Just a few things in life proved to be as hard as resisting the urge to pick up the phone and contact Ranger. After a week I felt almost like a junkie fighting the need for a quick fix. After all this had most likely been the longest the two of us had gone without contact and being in the other one's life one way or another. Even when he was deployed to some hellhole he had somehow always managed to get a message my way or do something that told me he wanted to make sure I was alright.
Right now? Nothing. There were a few times when I almost cracked, thinking that this was stupid and that we were behaving like a bunch of kindergarten kids and that Cal was wrong. Let's face it when you break down our relationship and looked at the effects and impacts our presence had on the other one, I was almost certain, his existence influenced my life a whole lot more than my existence accounted for in his life. But I had made a promise to Cal. And despite how much I was about to pick up the goddamn phone and just call Batman, groveling and apologizing, I resisted.
"If it is any consolidation, he is just in a shape as bad as yours," Cal commented one grey and cold morning during one of our runs. "And as much as he hates admitting it, he's in emotional pain. And trust me, as sad as it is to witness, it also is a whole lot of fun."
The laugh that followed his statement wanted me to hit him. None of this felt like fun. And the fact that Cal was enjoying the discomfort a little too much didn't sit well with me. Despite the fact that he was talking about Ranger, it somehow felt like he also enjoyed my discomfort a little too much.
"I can't really say that this is fun. More like hell. But I'm glad I once more am able to provide ample entertainment," I grumbled annoyed and saw him stop a second later.
"That's not how I meant it, Steph," he started justifying himself.
"Then how did you mean it?" I asked. And yes, my patience was wearing thin, but could you blame me? I myself wasn't certain why I was doing what I was doing. And if you didn't see reason in what you were doing, why do it to begin with?
"Ranger is... a creature of habit and always in control of everything that could ever occur. He is – like most of us – not really the most emotional person and tries to shove everything in some internal box with a tight lid on it, never to resurface again. Seeing him in discomfort over something he can't control is a nice change. He is used to people bowing to his will and orders and you putting up resistance and telling him in less words that you do whatever you like has him chartering unknown territory. You don't bow down to his will and don't make up because you have to. And I know, you feel like you need to make up and be all best friends again, but trust me, that won't teach him the lesson he needs to learn."
"And what would that lesson be?" I asked curious.
"That you matter and that he can't push and order you around like most of us. That you will do as you please and that he actually not just cares for you, but also loves you. He just hasn't gotten to the point of painful realization yet. But he will get there, trust me. Just stay strong."
After that we went on for another two or three miles before we called it a day and I started on my job in catching skips.
It had been slow few weeks with just a handful of skips which I ended up rounding up rather quickly. Much to my, Connie's and everyone else's surprise. Today wouldn't be any exception. Connie had exactly one file for me and I had Ernest Holliday back in the system within two hours – a new personal best.
I dropped my body receipt with Connie, collecting my 200$ and made my way home, surprised to see Lester waiting at the front of the entrance to my apartment building. Dressed in the usual RangeMan black, wearing RayBans and holding two take-away coffee's, he was the image of relaxed cool. But than again, I felt like that could easily be said about everyone at RangeMan. Off course, no one had relaxed cool down to a tee as much as Ranger had.
"What brings you into my neighborhood?" I asked Lester amused, before my smile faltered when I thought about it. "There isn't a threat, is there? And Ranger is okay, isn't he?"
"Relax, Beautiful. It's my day off," he started with a wide smile, before he threw his arm over my shoulders and pulled me in while we walked towards the entrance. He had handed me one of the coffee's and held the door to my building open for me a second later. "It's my day off and I thought I pay you a visit and congratulate you on being the first person next to maybe Abuela Rosa to fight my cousin with his own rules."
"Not you as well," I said, walking through the open door and surprising Lester when I didn't go for the elevator but the stairs. "Cal was already all but worshiping the ground I walk on. Despite his and your words, this is painful as hell."
"My cousin needs to realize that you can't be ordered to do anything you don't want or that he sees as a requirement. Especially when he thinks his jealousy is reason and justification enough for anything. He can express his displeasure at you rather hanging out with Cal as your running partner than him, but he can't order you to stop or demand you tell him whether there's anything going on between the two of you. He technically only has that right when he claims you as his. Right now, he wants the best of both worlds. He wants to hold onto that #1 spot in your life and demands to know everything without giving you anything in return. He can't keep you at an arm's length but demand you put him above everything. You only get that right to wish for it when you are involved. And right now, he thinks you aren't. He thinks you are his best friend and he has any say in what you decide to do with the guys in your life. But as a friend that isn't his decision or demand to make. He wants your honesty, faithfulness and be your priority? He needs to make amends himself. You can't have your cake and eat it too."
"What is it with you guys and your sudden love for pep talks?"
"Maybe we just enjoy someone finally having the upper hand when it comes to Ranger," Lester laughed and I just shook my head.
"I am hardly having the upper hand. As a matter if fact, I am hanging by a thread and feel like I might give in any second now and just call him."
"Don't," Lester said, pulling me closer to him. "I know it doesn't feel like it, but all of us who have been in the office lately will tell you, he is just as much hanging by a thread as you are. And there's only a certain number of badass FTAs he can beat-up before he needs to really deal with his emotions and the situation between you and him."
"He is beating up… people? Because of me?" I asked shocked, this wasn't something Ranger was prone to do.
"Trust me, Beautiful. It's only people that deserve it. And it isn't excessive aggression. We make sure of that."
As if that was making things any better.
I let myself and Lester into my apartment and thought about his words for a second. In the end, what difference did a few more days make? I never made any promise to anyone that I would see this through and not break at some point. All I did was say I try. That's all they could expect from me.
Lester left a good hour after he had arrived and left me to my own devices and my free afternoon, seeing as I had no skips to go after.
I was lazing on my couch, figuring I had done enough for today and was watching reruns of old Judge Judy episodes, watching how she saved the day for some poor soul and everyone was embracing and hugging each one at the end of the episodes. I wish it was that easy for me.
I heard my phone ringing – which was a rare occurrence, seeing as I had it most often on silent. The last thing you needed during a tricky takedown was your skip being alerted to your presence when your phone rang.
If the ringtone of Batman wasn't a dead giveaway of who was calling, the display reconfirmed my suspicion.
I took a deep breathe and felt all of a sudden giddy like some teenage girl. It had been almost two weeks since I had stormed dramatically out of his office.
"Yo," I just said when picking up the call and waiting what he was about to say. He certainly did not disappoint.
"Babe, I need you…"
