Chapter 4
The Wonton soup is delicious. Rachel takes another scoop from her bowl with a pleased smile. "This is really good, Mrs. Chang!"
The woman smiles kindly at her. "Thank you, Rachel. I'm glad you're enjoying it."
Rachel likes visiting the Changs, but Mr. Chang isn't the warmest man. She tries to ignore how his eyes jump between her and Michael and the slight tension around his mouth.
"How is Tina?" Mr. Chang asks his son.
Mike and Rachel share an amused glance. "She's good. She was supposed to join us tonight, but Mercedes begged her for help with something, so she went there instead."
Mr. Chang nods. "And how are your treatments going, Rachel?"
"Um, good, I guess. They're still going and I'm still living, so so far, so good."
Mike gives her an apologetic smile.
"But you're still stage 2?"
"Dad!"
"Michael!" Mrs. Chang chastises her husband before turning to Rachel. "I'm sorry, Rachel."
She shrugs awkwardly. "It's alright. Yes, I'm still stage 2."
"I don't mean this to be seen as disapproving, but why are you still attending school? Education is important, but so is your health. Have your parents considered homeschooling? It would allow you to continue your education while now overtaxing your body while you're sick."
She swallows another spoonful of soup. "They brought it up. I argued against it. I want to live a normal life for as long as I can. That means going to school. My dads said they'll let the topic drop, but will bring it up again if I hit stage 3."
Mr. Chang nods his approval. Mike squeezes her hand. Mrs. Chang looks uncertain, then tries to give the kids a way out of this conversation.
"Speaking of school, don't you kids still have homework to do?"
"Yes! We do." Mike immediately stands and turns to Rachel expectantly.
"Thank you for the delicious dinner, Mrs. Chang." She says, rising.
"You're very welcome, Rachel. Any time."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"For the second song, Valerie, our soloist will be Ms. Santana Lopez!"
Everyone applauds, though Mercedes and Kurt look a little grumpy. The Latina smiles happily, accepting her adulations. Mr. Schuester had held Rachel back yesterday and told her he was going with Santana. She had expected as much and told him so. Now that she's stage two, the risk of her collapsing during the competition, or being too tired to perform at her best, has increased. She hates it, but she understands it. He let her cry it out in his office, fully understanding her frustration. Everyone once again looks at her. She does her best to not roll her eyes. Santana narrows her eyes.
"What, no quip about how you're better than me? No arguing? You won't be getting a single solo in this competition, Berry."
Rachel smiles a little. "I know. And no, I won't be arguing. I think you'll rock this." She really does. She thinks she'd do it better, of course. But she knows Santana is the next best choice.
Artie's jaw drops and he lets out a quiet. "Whaaa?"
Santana looks at her oddly. "Wow. The world must be coming to an end. Are you, like, dying or something?"
"Yes."
Everything stops. She hadn't intended to tell them this way, but Santana's question was accurate and saying 'no' would have been a lie. Finn squeezes her hand. They stare at her. Some look startled. Some look irritated.
Quinn scoffs. "Not getting a solo isn't going to kill you, Manhands."
"That's pretty dramatic, even for you." Mercedes points out. "Saying you feel like you're dying because you didn't get a solo, I mean."
"Don't get us wrong, we appreciate that you're not fighting or arguing or storming out. But its still a very dramatic way of handling not getting a solo."
"I didn't say I feel like I'm dying. I said I'm dying. It has nothing to do with a solo."
She looks at Mr. Schuester. He is watching her sadly. He sets a stool front and center for her. With Finn's final supportive squeeze, she stands and moves to the stool to face her team. Mike, Finn, and Tina are watching her supportively. Sam, Puck, and Brittany look completely lost; blissfully ignorant. Quinn and Mercedes look annoyed. Kurt and Artie look nervous and confused. Santana looks like she's on the edge of grasping it and just needs a nudge to get there.
"I was diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia at the start of the school year." Santana's face drops into one of resignation. Everyone else looks shocked. Rachel takes a breath. Keep it together. Keep it together. Just state the facts. "It's a rare blood disease characterized by an inability to create new blood cells. It is life threatening. There is no cure, but I've been getting weekly treatments at the hospital. If my body starts responding better to the treatment, I could go into remission. Otherwise, I will die. I am currently in stage two. I am dying, but I still have a decent chance of surviving."
All of them are watching her, looking horrified. Kurt's hands are covering his mouth, but his wide eyes betray his feelings. When no one says anything, Rachel goes on.
"So, no, I am not fighting for solos. My energy has to be dedicated to fighting for my life." A single tear escapes and slips down her cheek. She's mostly accepted it, but she hates talking about it.
Kurt bolts from his seat and barrels into her, wrapping her in a bear hug. Despite being startled, she hugs him back. He starts crying in earnest. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
Brittany and Mercedes join the group hug. When they step back, Santana comes forward. Rachel is surprised to see tears in her bully's eyes.
"I'm sorry, Berry. I didn't know." She hugs her.
Quinn, Puck, Artie, and Sam take their turns hugging her. She looked at Quinn warily. The blonde shrugs.
"I hated you for pining after my boyfriend last year. I was mad that you told him my darkest secret before I had the courage to do it myself. I hated that you're more talented than me. And I got really annoyed whenever you'd pull a diva move and demand a solo. But I don't hate you. I'm sorry for…..for bullying you. And I'm really sorry that you're going through this."
When tears mist her eyes, Rachel hugs her. She doesn't speak, though. Does she forgive her? Probably. Right now? No. Quinn seems to realize that and nods when they release the hug. They both start to return to their seats.
"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Mercedes asks. "You said you were diagnosed months ago."
Rachel pauses before sitting, turning to answer her. Before she can, Mike beats her to it. "Because she was afraid that none of you would care."
Her head snaps over to the Asian dancer. "Mike!"
He gives her a look. "What? It's true. And they need to know."
"No, they really don't." She glares at him.
He glares right back.
"What do you mean she thought we wouldn't care?" Brittany asks, frowning.
Rachel groans quietly and sits, crossing her arms and looking down. Mike opened this can of worms, he can eat it.
"Think about how badly and for how long she has been bullied. Over her clothes, nose, and attitude. Think about the insults, the name calling, the slushees, the physical attacks of being shoved into lockers or having books knocked from her hands. Think about the inappropriate drawings of her. Everything. Think about how many people have been cruel to her. Many of you sitting here. Now think about how many people have stood up for her. How many times has she been invited out? How many times has she been complimented or praised or even spoken to kindly? How many people, before recently, called themselves her friend?"
The group squirms uncomfortably.
"But she—" Mercedes starts, then stops herself.
Rachel looks up at them, noting their expressions. She sighs. "I know I'm annoying and arrogant. I don't dress in popular styles and I have a big nose. I'm selfish and rude. But I've never gone out of my way to be mean or hurt anyone. Any time I fought for a solo it was either because I thought I was a better fit for the song or because I didn't think the person who got it had earned it. I work hard. I go to voice lessons and dance lessons. I practice on my own at home. I work hard to be the best I can be. I get frustrated when you guys don't. You're all very talented. But many of you are also lazy. I want it more, so I work harder, so I felt that I should get more solos. It was never because I thought you weren't talented. Besides, I like winning. Winning means putting the best forward. Since I think I'm the best of an admittedly talented group, I'd get upset if I didn't get the solo. Because that meant our chances of winning weren't as high as they could have been."
They're looking at her in a new light. She hopes they truly understand and believe her. She hates talking about this. She can feel her heart rate increasing and she works to keep her breathing normal.
"But I never bullied anyone. I may not have tried to be nice, but I never tried to be mean. So when all of you were either mean to me or ignored me, I knew that meant you didn't care."
"That's not true!" Kurt argues.
She frowns at him. "Kurt, last year you flat out told me that I wasn't wanted here. That you only tolerate me for my voice and that even that is replaceable."
The fashionable boy looks stricken and shrinks down in his seat. Mr. Schuester is glaring at all of them. Rachel is starting to shake. Her heart is pounding and she is struggling to keep her breathing even. She needs to end this.
"All of that together made me feel that I wasn't wanted. So why would you care if I'm sick?"
"It's worse than that." Mike picks up. "She wasn't just afraid you wouldn't care. She was afraid you'd be happy to hear that she's dying. Not only would she not be around to annoy you, but she wouldn't be fighting for solos. She was afraid you'd be happy about that."
Mr. Schuester looks crushed. Rachel glances at the rest of her team. Guilt and regret hang from every face. Except Sam, who is too new to have truly had a part in it. But even he is frowning. The room sways slightly. Her breaths come faster. She can't stay here. Finn grabs her hand again.
"Rach?" He asks quietly.
She shakes her head. She can't stay here. She can't— Rachel abruptly stands and hurries from the room. Screw it if they think it's just another diva storm out. Voices start shouting behind her, but she can't make out the words. They sound muffled. Her heart pounds in her ears, drowning out all other sounds. Her legs shake harder now. She grasps the wall, trying to propel herself onward. Hands grab her arms. They take her weight off of her and slowly guide her to the ground. She didn't want to sit. She wanted to leave! To get away! She opens her mouth to argue with the hands but all that emerges is a moan.
"—kay, you're okay. Just breathe."
The voice is right. She needs to get her breathing under control. She closes her eyes. Arms gently wrap around her, pulling her back against someone's chest. She is being cradled, now. A hand presses on her upper chest. She feels the chest behind her push into her back as the person takes a deep breath in.
"—low me. Match my breathing. Breathe in. And out."
She does. The chest behind her once again presses against her back in a big breath. She follows it. The body behind her breathes out, shrinking down. She does the same. They do this a couple times until she is breathing normally on her own. Rachel becomes aware of someone holding one of her hands. Her other hand is gripping the hand on her chest. She's exhausted and has a headache. She lets her head slump back against whoever is holding her. A boy, by her guess. The boy presses his cheek against hers. It calms her further. She has always thrived on touch. Not having friends, or even a large family, to accommodate her need has been challenging for her. She hears feet moving around her and quiet voices muttering.
Rachel opens her eyes. Tina sits beside her, holding her hand. Tears drip down her worried face. Kurt is holding her. That's a surprise. Finn, Mike, and Santana kneel around them. Mr. Schuester stands behind them. Turning her head, she sees everyone else in the choir room looking out into the hall.
Fuck.
She's never had an audience during a panic attack before.
"Rachel?" She looks at Mike. "Are you okay?"
She nods tiredly.
"What happened?" Mr. Schuester questions. He has his phone in his hand. Whether to contact her fathers or an ambulance, she's not sure.
Rachel lets go of Kurt's hand and he slides his arm down with the other one so he's hugging her. She doesn't answer.
"Rachel, was that a panic attack?" The gay boy asks softly.
"Yes."
"Have you gotten them before?"
"Yes. More often, now, though." Her voice is quiet. She sits up and turns, looking into his sad eyes. "How'd you know?"
He smiles bitterly. "I've had my share. Mostly because of Karofsky. My dad got me a counselor who taught me how to handle the panic attacks."
She squeezes his hand. Mike and Finn pull her up. Finn keeps her against his side, supporting her as they re-enter the choir room. She tries not to be frustrated. They just helped her, after all. But she'd wanted to leave, not be back here already. So she doesn't look at anyone. Once she's sitting, she leans against Finn's side, hoping he doesn't mind.
"You said you've had panic attacks before. How many of your storm outs were actually panic attacks?" Tina asks curiously.
"About half."
Mr. Schuester crouches in front of her seat. "So it wasn't a symptom of AA?"
"No. AA just made it…worse."
"Worse how?"
She smiles slightly. "I normally get further away and out of sight before it fully forms. I was too tired this time. And my head hurts."
"Do you need to go home?"
She nods. Finn tightens his hold on her. Mr. Schuester steps out to call her father. She's worried that if she closes her eyes, she'll fall asleep. She has never been so tired in her life. The room is silent. No one seems to know what to say. Rachel turns her head towards Kurt.
"Thanks, Kurt."
He nods. "Any time. I mean that."
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Rachel's dad arrives. Mike insists on carrying her to the car. When he returns to the choir room, everyone is sitting in a circle. There's a single empty seat, waiting for him. As soon as he takes it, Mr. Schuester begins talking.
"I am so disappointed. I knew you didn't all get along. I knew there was some name calling and some insults, but I had no idea it had gotten so bad. The fact that anyone on our team thought that the others wouldn't care if they were dying is shameful. Kurt was being bullied by Karofsky and didn't feel he could reach out to his teammates here. Rachel was being bullied for years and didn't have a single friend to turn to until just weeks ago. I'm sure there are other situations that I'm not even aware. But I want to be made aware of them right now. We will not work as a team if we're being cruel to one another. You need to support each other, even if you don't like one another. And Rachel is going to need our support more than ever. She is literally fighting for her life. If that's not stressful enough, the one thing she loves to do and is passionate about is being taken away from her. And to top it off, she only found real friendship a month ago. She has a loving support system at home, but it's small. I've spoken to her fathers. Her one dad's family disowned him after he came out. The other father had a few members disown him. Only a few remain connected and still, they're not close. Growing up, Rachel has really only had her fathers. That's it. She does have a single grandparent, an aunt, uncle and cousin. But they live out of state and don't visit often. They won't be around in this difficult time. She doesn't have much support. Just her fathers."
"And us." Finn says.
Mr. Schuester gives him a look. "Does she?"
Finn's face takes on a hard look. "She has me."
"Now." Tina scoff quietly. Everyone looks at her. "He only just started being her friend a few weeks ago."
"You, too!" He argues.
"Yeah, but I never dated her. And I didn't brush her off when she needed me the most. That was you."
Finn cringes and looks down. The others frown.
"What are you talking about?" Quinn asks.
Mike stands. His anger from the other night returning. "Stand up." He tells Finn fiercely.
The tall boy does. Mike punches him in the face, knocking him down. Others jump up, but he holds up a hand, stopping them. Finn regains his footing and stares him down. Then he drops his gaze.
"Another?"
"Yeah."
"Just not the face."
Mike punches Finn in the stomach. Hard. The quarterback doubles over, coughing and groaning. Anger depleted, Mike retakes his seat. Stumbling, Finn does the same. Everyone looks at them warily.
"What was that?" Mr. Schuester demands.
"In August, they were still dating. The doctors told her they thought she had leukemia and that she needed a bone marrow biopsy to confirm it. She called Finn, crying and scared, telling him she needed to talk to him. He thought she was crying about something trivial or just trying to get his attention, so he brushed her off."
If looks could kill, Finn would be dead 10 times over. Even Quinn looks disgusted.
"What the fuck, man?!" Puck glares at his best friend.
"I didn't know!" Tears leak out of his eyes. "I didn't know. Fuck I regret it. I know it's not an excuse and I will never forgive myself for not being there for her. But I swear to God I'm there for her now. I realized I still had feelings for her before she told me about her diagnosis."
The group talks for a while. They start by talking about how the other three found out about Rachel being sick. They praised Mike for being such a good friend to her. He brushed it off, turning it around on them and pointing out that she should have felt like she could tell them from the start. Mr. Schuester had called Ms. Pillsbury, Coach Sylvester, and Coach Bieste to assist. The four adults helped guide the conversation. They talked about Rachel's diagnosis and how they felt about it. They talked about why they had been mean to her and how they can support her now. They talked about grievances they had with one another and hashed it out then and there. There was yelling, cursing, crying, and even laughing. They were there for hours. The adults ordered pizza and the kids called their parents to explain why they'd be home late. By the time the conversation came to an end, they were all physically and emotionally exhausted and it was dark outside. Thankfully, it was a Friday. They talked about how to bring it all up with Rachel and whether or not they should. Ms. Pillsbury cautioned them to let Rachel take the lead in those conversations and not to push her to discuss a topic she wasn't ready to.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The Unholy Trinity stand fidgeting on the doorstep. Santana rings the doorbell. Mr. Berry answers. He frowns when he sees who it is. It makes Santana wonder how much about the bullying he knows.
"Yes?"
"Um, is Rachel home?" Brittany asks.
"No. She's out with friends."
They frown, disappointed. They had wanted to talk to her and didn't want to wait until school on Monday. The man hesitates, then tosses them a bone.
"They're at the park a few blocks that way." He points in the right direction.
They thank him and turn to leave.
"Girls, wait." They turn back. Mr. Berry steps out onto the porch with them and adjusts his glasses. He looks tired. "Yesterday was rough on her and it carried over to today. She's out of the house, but it's not a great day for her. She's still shaky; both physically and emotionally. Please try not to upset her today. I'm not sure she can handle another rough day."
Guilt floods through Santana, making her nauseous. They nod. "We promise. If we think we're upsetting her, we'll leave."
"Thank you."
The three get back in Quinn's car. The head cheerleader starts the engine. "Should we go or should we wait until Monday?"
"We should go. Like we told her dad, if she gets upset, we'll leave."
"Okay."
They find the park easily enough. Once in it, they have to wander to find Rachel. They're assuming Finn, Mike, and Tina are with her. They're right. The girls find the four friends sitting on a blanket in a small grove of trees. They're bundled up against the fall weather. Rachel and Tina are sitting side by side and leaning against a tree. Rachel is pale. The boys sit on the opposite side of the blanket. All four are holding small cups. As she gets closer, Santana realizes the cups are tops to thermoses. They're drinking hot chocolate. The four look up, surprised to see the three cheerleaders.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Can we join you?" Quinn asks awkwardly.
There's no immediate response. Everyone looks to Rachel. The small brunette keeps her eyes down and takes a sip of her cocoa. She doesn't invite them, but she doesn't ask them to leave either. Mike hesitantly nods.
"Sure. Grab a spot on the blanket. We weren't planning on staying much longer, but we can stay a few more minutes."
Santana wonders if that's true or if he's giving Rachel an easy out. She doesn't mind, she's just curious. For a minute, they're silent. Santana starts to feel bad for interrupting the fun afternoon the other four were undoubtedly having before they arrived. But they're here for a reason.
"Is that hot chocolate?" Brittany asks.
They grin. "Yeah, it is. Mr. Berry made it."
"Daddy makes it from scratch." Rachel offers quietly, smiling slightly.
"That's neat." Santana says, hoping it sounds sincere.
Brittany is looking at the four cups, clearly noticing there aren't any extras. Rachel grins.
"Do you want some?"
Brittany's eyes brighten. "Can I?"
Rachel shrugs. "Sure. I'm not really drinking it anymore. I'm just holding it for the warmth."
Brittany smiles and scoots so she's pressed against Rachel's other side. The small diva giggles. Brittany takes the cup from her and sips it, immediately making a happy hum. She's such a sugar whore. Santana grins.
"So, what are you three doing out and about?" Tina asks.
"We didn't want to wait until Monday to talk to Rachel." Quinn admits.
The girl in question frowns. Tina looks a little worried. Thinking about their promise to Mr. Berry, Santana makes Rachel the same promise.
"Look, Berry, we're not here to upset you. If you don't want to talk or even want us to leave, just say so. We just wanted another chance to say we're sorry for how we treated you before."
"You already apologized." The diva points out quietly.
Quinn nods. "Yeah, but it bears repeating. We were horrible to you and for no real good reason. We're truly sorry."
Brittany nods. "Very sorry."
"We also want you to know that we're here for you." Santana insists.
Rachel looks at them quietly. "I forgive you. God knows I haven't been pleasant to be around, so I'm sorry for being so arrogant, selfish, and rude."
Santana cracks a grin. "Forgiven."
Rachel is still frowning, though. "I forgive you, but it may take a while for me to trust you. It's a little odd…you going from being my worst bullies, to apathetic teammates, to…..whatever you are trying to be now."
"Friends." Brittany offers.
"That's…sweet. But a bit of a jump. Isn't it awkward to go from insulting me to supporting me in such a short span?"
The cheerleaders frown. "I guess."
"Honestly, I may still call you names." Santana admits. Finn, Mike, and Tina glare at her. She shrugs. "What? Like Berry said, it's awkward. I can't go from insulting her to being nice overnight. But I can promise that from now on my teasing will be meant in good humor. I no longer intend to be mean or hurt you with my harsh words."
Rachel grins slightly. "No longer."
"No longer. So if I call you Hobbit or something, know that I mean it….friendly."
"Like how friends tease one another." Brittany adds on.
Rachel thinks it over. "Okay. Thank you."
Brittany hands back the cup. Rachel shakes her head. "You finish it. I can't."
"But it's yours."
"I literally can't." The brunette looks at the rest of them. "My treatment includes medications that are immune suppressants. The longer I'm on the meds, the more my immune system starts to suck. I am more susceptible to catching colds and stuff going around, now. I need to stay away from people who are sick and avoid spreading germs. Like sharing drinks."
Brittany looks confused. Santana figures she doesn't really grasp what was just said, but has at least understood that Rachel can't share drinks. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have had any of your drink."
"It's okay. I offered. Like I said, I was done drinking it. I was just using it for warmth. Part of being severely anemic is that I get cold easily." She frowns. "Winter is going to suck."
Tina hands her a pair of gloves. Rachel thanks her and puts them on. The group talks about school and Glee for a while. When Rachel starts to shiver, they decide to call it a day. Tina helps Rachel stand, but her legs shake. Not as bad as yesterday, but still. Like her father said, she's still not recovered. She's still shaky. Literally. Brittany quickly grabs her other arm and helps. The two unlikely girls wrap their arms around Rachel's arms and start a light conversation while walking slowly out of the park. The boys begin packing up the blanket and thermoses while Quinn and Santana watch.
"How did we not realize she was sick? I'm guessing she didn't suddenly get so weak." Quinn asks quietly.
"We're teenagers. You were caught up in your own lives. And you're not her friends. Yet." Mike points out bluntly. "I found out about her illness when she was stage one. Now she's stage two. I've been watching her symptoms slowly get worse. It sucks."
"But we would have noticed if she was like this all the time."
"She's not like this all the time. She has good days and bad days." Finn tells them. "Today is a bad day. Yesterday was a worse day. Who knows how she'll be on Monday. She could be singing and dancing and fine. Or she could be dizzy and tired and need to sit out."
"About that," Mike begins before making sure the others are out of earshot, "on her bad days, it's not just physical. Sometimes it's emotional, too. She gets upset or angry or scared. She may need help with something like going up a flight of stairs. Or she might need a hug. Or to vent. Or to be left alone to mope."
Finn nods. "Have you noticed how touchy she is? I mean, physical. Uh…..I don't know how to say it right. She likes having her hand held. She likes being hugged or cuddled. She likes sitting on people's laps. She likes when people play with her hair. When Kurt pressed his cheek against hers after her panic attack, her whole body relaxed more. She needs touch for comfort."
"Good thing Brittany is the same way." Santana says, grinning. "They can cuddle each other."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She's recovered by Monday. She sings and dances and acts almost normal. They rehearse with no problems or interruptions. In fact, it is the smoothest rehearsal they have ever had. Rachel comments on it. She's not sure she likes the way they look at her after her comment, though.
"Actually, we'd like to talk to you about that." Mr. Schuester says, smiling a little.
"Okay. What's going on?"
"I'd like you to know that after you left on Friday, we had a long discussion."
"A looong discussion." Artie says, smirking. A couple kids chuckle.
"We were here until eight o'clock." Mercedes admits.
Rachel's eyes widen. "Why? What was so important to talk about?"
"You. And each other." Kurt says with a soft smile.
"We got all our disagreements and anger at each other off our chests. There was some yelling and cursing. And some punching."
"Yeah, I saw Finn's black eye. He and Mike told me about the punch." Rachel is glad to see his eye looks much better by now.
"It wasn't just them. Everyone aired all of their grievances."
"Again, why? Why then?"
"So that we can get along better and work as a team better." Mr. Schuester explained.
"And become better friends." Sam says.
Santana leans towards her. "Look, Berry, I think our years of bullying you already made our old feelings for you pretty clear."
Rachel looks down, a lump starting to form in her throat. She nods.
"But," Quinn takes over, "that leaves you as the only one who hasn't had a chance to air their grievances."
"So, out with it. Let us have it, girl!" Artie encourages her.
Rachel looks at them. "I already did."
"When?"
"On Friday." She explains.
They're still confused. "What do you mean? All you did was point out how we treated you and how it made you feel you couldn't tell us you were sick."
She nods. "Yeah, and I explained that I fought for solos when I felt people were too lazy to earn them."
They share odd looks. "Rachel, that's not airing grievances. We mean for you to tell us things we have said or done that you're still angry or upset about. Get it off your chest."
She blinks. "I have an excellent memory."
They frown. "Meaning?"
"Meaning I remember every insult. Every name I've been called. It's quite a list and I don't see the point in going through it. It….still hurts…..when I think about them."
"More reason to say them, diva." Kurt says softly.
The rest of them nod.
"RuPaul, Treasure Trail, Manhands…." She goes on, listing every name and insult hurled at her, including insults about her dads and repeating the times she was told they didn't like her and only tolerated her for her voice or told she didn't matter or wasn't liked or that no one cared.
Most of the girls, and Kurt, are in tears by the end.
"So, yeah," Rachel finishes. "That sucked."
Those in the room who were responsible apologized sincerely. She forgave them.
"I noticed that you didn't add Hobbit on there." Santana says carefully.
Rachel looks at her. "I wasn't sure if you meant it unkindly or not. You talked about teasing me in a…..friendly….way….but I've rarely had friends and have only ever been called names to hurt, not to tease. So I wasn't sure."
Santana's expression softens. "It was meant teasingly, not to hurt. I thought it was nicer sounding than others I'd thought of. Like Dwarf."
"Santana!" Their teacher scolds.
Rachel grins.
"After working out our problems with one another, we talked about how we could best support you. You're going through hell." Finn moves the conversation along.
"But we realized we don't really know how to help you." Sam admits.
"We'll start by not being mean." Mercedes says.
"Then we'll work on getting to know you better so we can become friends!" Brittany seems truly excited by that prospect. Rachel smiles at her.
"You need to tell us what else you need, though. So whenever anything comes up and you think of something you need, let us know. We'll see how we can help."
Seeing everyone smiling and nodding, Rachel has to blink away her tears.
"Thank you. All of you."
"I have a question." Finn is grinning. She grins back. "I know you like being, like, held and stuff. Hair played with and hugging and holding hands. All that." She nods. That's very true. "Are you comfortable with us doing that? Hugging you? Holding your hand?"
She blinks. Feeling a little awkward, she nods. "Only if you want to. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable."
Mercedes nods. "If you need a hug or a hand to hold, all of us are happy to fill that role for you."
Sam takes over, smiling at her. "Some of us are more physical than others. We're happy to cuddle or whatever at any time and for any reason."
Finn whispers in her ear. "I'm not as physical with people as some of the others are, but with you I am. Don't hesitate to come to me for anything."
She smiles her thanks.
Santana whisper from her other side "And don't let Puck's gruff exterior throw you off. I know for a fact that he is a very physical guy who loves hugs and cuddling. The whole 'sex shark' thing is just an excuse to be held."
Rachel bites down a smile.
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Life goes on. They rehearse for Sectionals. They attend classes. But there are a lot of changes. Most good. The first change is that the Glee club as a whole is lighter and happier. They get along better and are becoming closer. That also means their rehearsals and performances are better. The second change is they all start hanging out more, in various small groups or even as a whole group. Including Rachel. She's not suddenly invited to everything, nor would she want to be. But they actually think to include her now. The third change is that they do their best to make sure Rachel is rarely alone. As soon as Brittany realized that Rachel is as physical as her, she happily began spending more time with her, holding her hand, grabbing her arm, playing with her hair, or hugging her. Rachel is quite happy about this.
The next change is that her friends, as they insisted they are now, have shown interest in attending her treatments. She always has at least two of them with her at treatment each week. She teased Mike that his "duty" as the "solitary friend" to be by her side has ended. He was dismayed and said he'll return to joining her after everyone else who wants to has had a chance. Mercedes admitted she's not good with needles, so she won't be joining her. Rachel assured her she understood. Kurt is fine with needles, but not with vomit. He came once, but said it may not be a frequent thing. Just to avoid the vomit, he assured her. She'd laughed. Quinn may no longer be mean to her, but they're far from being close friends. She smiled at Rachel and said she'd hold off on joining her for treatments. Again, Rachel understood. She was surprised Santana came once, but figured it was more because Brittany came.
The other changes are not good ones. Rachel begins sitting out of rehearsals on occasion. And coming late to school some days. As predicted, her nosebleeds become more frequent, as do her headaches and dizziness. She hates it. The first time she sat out, she'd been near tears. Mike sat next to her and got her to help him watch the other's dance moves to make sure they were doing it right. They know that she's supposed to be limiting her physical activity, so they try to help out. They rearranged the dance numbers so that she's in the back and to the side. Another part of the rearrangement was making sure there was always someone strong enough to lift her right by her side. They're to keep an eye on her during the songs. If she gets dizzy, they're to keep an arm around her. If she passes out, or seems like she might pass out, they are to lift her and spin off stage, making it look like part of the dance. Rachel was embarrassed by this, but Mr. Schuester put his foot down. He flat out told her it was the only way he'd allow her to participate.
She no longer attends gym class. Now, she uses that time as a study hall. This time period is supervised by either Coach Sylvester or Mr. Schuester, depending on the day of the week and their schedules. On the days it's Coach Sylvester, she often has Rachel do some mild physical activity, just to keep her strength up. The harsh lady has softened a bit. She makes sure Rachel doesn't overtax herself, but explained the necessity of not completely dropping all exercise. Her dads have already forbidden her from her morning jogs (not that she's often awake early enough to do them anyway) and they limit her time on her elliptical. Sue supports that, and has Rachel walk, stretch, or do yoga with her. On days with the cheerleading coach that Rachel admits to not feeling well, they sit in her office. Rachel works on homework and Sue….does whatever Sue does. On the days she's with Mr. Schuester, he sometimes lets her sing, sometimes they talk, and sometimes they just work quietly. One day, just before Thanksgiving break, there was an overlap. Both teachers thought it was their day with Rachel. They playfully argued until Rachel interrupted them with a song. They ended up spending it together singing, although the two teachers insisted they only sing songs that involved some form of 'argument'. Rachel had been very amused and had a good time. It made her wonder if the two teachers are actually friends who just pretend to not like one another.
Mike may not be her "solitary friend" anymore, but he refuses to step back completely. He doesn't come to every treatment, giving the others a chance instead, but he's still around more than them. They hang out in school. They hang out at his house or hers after school or on weekends. She may have more friends now, but she will never forget that Mike was the first, and truest, friend she has. Rachel is incredibly grateful to him. She does her best to make sure he knows this.
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