Episode Two: Kim Jong-Un and Tilda Swinton
"Ladies and Gentlemen: it's the Eric Andre Show!"
Eric runs up to the wood desk. From behind the desk pops up a samurai in full armor. Some interns hand Eric a samurai sword. The two bow at one another. The samurai goes for a stab. Eric dodges. The samurai then goes for his left side, and Eric deflects it but loses his balance. This gives the samurai the opportunity to slice Eric's arm off. Blood spurts out of Eric's arm in huge waves.
The band keeps playing. The Asian woman is vomiting into a powerade bottle, but continues playing the guitar, just a little bit worse than before.
"AAHHHH, someone - a doctor, a doctor, please god - someone, a doctor-" The samurai bows at Eric and walks over to him. He takes Eric's wallet, and then walks off set. Eric is still bleeding profusely, and a lot of blood splashes onto the samurai's armor.
A doctor walks on set and sews Eric's arm back on. Then he gets up, brushes himself off, and throws himself at the wall. The drywall breaks, and Eric grabs a chainsaw from behind the desk. He begins to chainsaw the drywall into an elaborate modern art piece.
Eric sits down at his desk. The curtains behind him fall, and the rest of the set follows. He is panting loudly. He feels invigorated. He feels alive. He feels horny.
Hannibal Burress, a sexy man who obviously fucks a lot, walked on set. Everyone grabs their dick at the mere sight of this man. He walks over to a chair and sits down. People let go of their dicks out of respect.
"Yo," Hannibal says, glancing over at Eric. Though he is not wearing sunglasses, he has the cool approach of someone who is.
"Yo," Eric says to Hannibal.
"Are you going to start the show?" Hannibal asks Eric.
"I thought today maybe you could do some stand up,'' Eric says to Hannibal. Eric knew that someone with the charisma of Hannibal would be a great stand up comic, and an even better father. Since Hannibal hadn't been expressing very much interest in kids, Eric was hoping to get his friend to do more stand up.
"Nah, man I'm not about that," Hannibal says, and then opens up a National Geographic magazine he pulled out from under his chair. It is an issue about the world's water security.
"Oh, okay, I'll try," Eric said.
He got up to the mic and began to mime getting into a car. It Was very impressive because it showed how much strength Eric had in his thighs because he was kind of doing a squat for an entire just like a really really good five minute comedy bit. Most people were laughing but people
"Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite actresses, Kim Jung Un!'' The band played a cool song, everyone was really into it. Kim Jung Un came out from behind the curtain. He looked very dazed, and confused, but not like he had been doing weed just like he had an entire country's livelihood on his shoulders, and sometimes he might succumb to that stress. He walked slowly to the guest chair. Eric tried to give him a high five but he got flustered and went for a fist bump instead. Kim Jong Un for his part tried to be very chill about all this. He shook Eric's hand and gave him a smile.
"Thanks, '' Eric said, and whipped the sweat off his brow. Kim Jong Un sat down, and didn't mention anything about how awkward Eric had treated that. He smiled politely. A man with wrap-around sunglasses poked his eyes from behind the curtain. This was Kim Jong Un's bodyguard. He was doing a good job.
"So, uh, you come here often?" Eric asked.
"No, never," Kim said.
"Oh. Well uhhh, what do you think of baseketball?" Eric asked.
"I think it's a good sport." Kim Jong-Un responded.
"Oh, me too," Eric said.
And then Angela Merkel walked on set. Eric had not invited her, so he didn't know why this was happening. He got up from his chair and tried to redirect her. But it was too late, Angela Merkel had locked in on Kim Jung Un.
Kim Jung Un and his bodyguard noticed Angela Merkle at the same time. They both went for their guns. Angela Merkle didn't have a gun so she went for fists. The bodyguard didn't shoot his gun fast enough, Angela Merkle had the physique of a young Bruce Lee combined with comedian Bruce Bruce. She kicked both kim jong un and his bodyguard in the nuts.
"Whoa, that's my guest," Eric said.
"Get better guests," Angela Merkle said and blew on her clenched fist like it was a still smoking gun.
"NO!" Eric said. And started stomping. Anglea Merkle looked disgusted.
Then it cut to a scene in the middle of the city. Eric Andre was in the library. A large truck was pulling up. It was one of those that you could rent at like a low rent. He was helpeding it get parke. When it parked roughly twenty men came out. They each were carrying a box full of pornography.
They carreid the box of porno magainse to the drop off box. They each put their entire box into the recruiter bxo and then left. One after one they returned their porn and then left the library. Eventually the drop off was full, and then men started to just put the pron aroudn the drop off box. The library staff started to notice.
"No, you can't. We dont' take that."
"What, these are just books I'm returning,"
"Those are magazines," Just then another one of the men came in with a dolly full of porn on it. He looked up, and had a confused look on his face.
"Uh, is this the right library,"
"No,"
"Oh. Okay" and the man left, not taking the dolly with him. Everyone else dropped all the porn they had in their hand, and just left. There was even more porn outside of the library.
Eric had been putting porn on the shelves of the library. The camera zoomed in on him,and put little anime blush marks on, and then And then the screen card "We'll be back" happened, and the show went to a commercial break. They were okayish
Kim Jung Un was standing behind Hannibal, looking very confused. Trying to keep himself as physically far away from angela merkel as possible. Anglea merkel was in a fighting stance. If kim jung un so much as moved, she would take him out. For the time being, Eric was just sitting down. He was looking at his notes.
"So uh, anyone here like-"
"SHUT UP Eric" one of the band members said. Then she went on to play her flute some more. She was very good at it. Angela Merkle's attention was not removed from KimJung un.
"Angela. Let's stop this,"
Anglea did not move. And then Kim Jong Un's bodyguard shot her. She began to bleed.
Eric Andre ran over to her. He put his hands over her bullet wounds. She looked Eric Andre in the eyes. With her free hand she careered Eric's cheek.
"I'm sorry, I'm actually Tilda Swinton,"
And then she pulled off her skin and proved that she was indeed Tilda.
Kim Jung Un screamed.
