Episode Three: Paula Poundstone
"Ladies and Gentlemen: it's the Eric Andre Show!"
Eric did a flip on a small trampoline and landed back first on his desk. Then a samurai sword was thrust into his body, from under the desk. It kept going and and went all through Eric's body, and then it went through the roof and then it went through the sky, and the clouds and then into the moon and then it cut the sun in half. This made people a little bit sad. Then God prayed a little bit and he made a new Eric Andre, and everyone was happy again.
Eric then pissed on the camera, and then things went dark for a second, and then it started from another angle. Then there was a big pinata that looked like Eric Andre. Everyone on staff began to fight each to beat it. The executive producer won and he smashed Eric Andre the pinata head first. Eric Andre watched, and there was sadness in his eyes as he realized that the staff held such anger towards him.
The band kept playing throughout all this. They were playing jazz. It was bad.
Eric got out a new Xbox and smashed it open and then took from it a gun. Which he used to shoot the desk until it broke. Then he played Madden on the same Sbox, and lost a game. Upon losing he tore off all his clothes in anger, and did a body slam on the executive producer. He was naked and he left a dick print.
Then he farted so hard the desk broke and sat at the chair. He took off and was in orbit. He did a few loops around the moon, then looked at his wrist, which had a watch on it. He realized he needed to get back down to earth so that he could do the show. He flew through the atmosphere, breaking through the ozone layer, breaking through the clouds that looked like snoop dogs, breaking through the ceiling and the pipes, and landing straight on the drumset of the band. He got up, dusted himself off, did a cymbal clash and then went to the desk and sat down. He smiled widely, and then waved at the audience. He took a large swig of water from a glass and smashed it on the ground.
The curtains fell, there was a new desk and everything was cleaned up. Eric was panting.
"Welcome to the Eric Andre show,'' Eric said loudly. Everyone on set looked around to try to figure out how he was walking. There was no one that was making eye contact with Eric, so maybe he was just aligning himself?
Eric walked up to the camera, and began his stand up routine. He aggressively grabbed the mic. He tore off his shirt, to reveal a white wife beater that he hand on under his jacket. There was something about Eric Andre that seemed sexier, something that seemed younger, something that said, this man spends a lot of time on myspace.
"You know how when you like⦠go to the bathroom, and then there are like, other people in the bathroom" Eric said into the mic very energetically- like he was doing a Dane Cook impression, but being actually quite funny indeed.
Hannibal Buress, a very good stand up comedian, who was nothing like the genius Dane Cook, walked onto the showroom.
And then the screen card "We'll be back" happened, and the show went to a commercial break.
"Dude what? We just started, you can't go to a commercial break" Hannibal said. But it was too late, there was already a commercial for pop tarts happening. Hannibal pulled his head into his hands. He was taking this commercial break very hard. It was just a pop tarts commercial.
After the commercial we see Eric on the streets of New York City. He was wandering around with an umbrella. It was not raining, but it was hot out. He was using it to keep the shade- as he forgot his sunscreen at home. It was an absolutely lovely time in the city.
And then a large bird swooped by Eric, grabbed the umbrella and picked him up. Eric held on to the umbrella. He was a foot off the air. The bird was dragging him just slightly off the ground, around the city block.
"Stop it you bird, stop it!" The bird did not stop. It swooped up even higher and now Eric was about 15 feet off the ground. Still holding on to his previous umbrella.
"Someone help, someone please, kill this bird," the people on the ground craned their necks to look at him. No one was able to do anything. Some people called out to him, telling him to drop the umbrella. Others just watched and didn't say anything. Eric than pulled out a gun from his back pocket, and dropped it the now 20 feet, so that it fell to the ground
"Please, someone shot that bird"
No one went for the gun. Everyone just looked at one another.
Then a man went to the gun but did not pick it up. He hesitated.
"Please, someone help me"
And then the bird flew away with Eric Andre. Most people watched, but some walked away. They were into what was happening. Eric probably died. That is the best case. Eric could have been lifted up and waay nd taken Eric to fuck him. Hopefully that was not the case, but who knows, anything could happen, especially with how horny birds have been lately.
Back in the studio Eric Andre was sitting at his desk. "Now five a warm welcome to Paula Poudnstone"
Paula Poudstone walked out. She had on a large suit with huge shoulder pads, it was vibrant green. Her tie was the like the color scheme of an 80's
"So you were the first woman to do comedy ever right?" Eric asked Paula. She did not answer.
"Are you gay or whatt?" Eric shouted at her like a horse.
"I'm not gay, I don't have any problems with gay people but I'm not," Paula said this in a way that did make her sound homophobic.
"If you did have a problem with the gay people what would your problem be?" Eric asked.
"Uuhhh," Paula Poundstone played with her tie for a second. "Probably with how they decorated my living room,"
"WHOA," Eric Andre exclaimed. He vomited on the ground in the disgust of her bigotry.
"Yeah man you can't say that today, that was really bad," Hannibal said. He put his hand on Paula's shoulder, which was quite large because the suit she was wearing had huge shoulder pads.
Then a lobster came out from underneath the Paula Poundstone chair. It did not attack her, it was quite a double lobster, maybe it had been smoking weed, and just wanted to see what was up, but either way, Paula screamed quite loudly.
"Hey man don't do that, that's gonna hurt Larry the Lobster from Spongebob's feelings" Eric remirndared Paula. Paula didn't say anything to that. But someone in the bad, looked very annoyed that Paula would dare to make the lobster feel welcomed.
The lobster walked off the sound stage, and went to return to his friends and family at the butcher store. He really regretted taking that second job with the Eric Andre show. Not because of Eric or any of the usual staff, but just because Paula had been so mean, yelling at him just for existing like that.
Of course, the lobster was on social media. He thought for a long time if he wanted to post about it. I mean Paula Poundstone was mostly known for her work with npr. NPR wasn't bad or anything.. They had done multiple stories on lobster, and this lobster had felt that they really had the lobster's best interest in heart. But Paula.
One day he got drunk. It was just supposed to be a fun day with the guys. But then someone had made a slight about the certain color of red he was turning with his old age, and with living close to the deep water horizon site. And then he heard her. He already hated waiting, wait, don't tell me. But when he heard Paula's voice, he cracked. And not like he was about to be eaten.
He tweeted out how Paula was lobster phobic. It went viral very fast.
A Lot of people are demonizing Paula Poundstone. A lot of people asked, who was Paula Poundstone again. Some people make grand sweeping declarations about the types of people that go into comedy. Some people remember that weird thing Paula had with her kids. It was all over the palace. The lobster regretted it, and deleted the tweet. But now everyone was jumping to cancel paula poundstone.
Paula made an attempt at an apology. One that the lobster felt was more than enough, but the mob didn't care. Eventually Paula went and lived in a cave. She was happy there.
