Episode Four: Homer Simpson
You are watching TV and flipping through channels. It is late at night. You are excited to watch something new and different, and so you click on the Eric Andre show. A thing you don't know anything about, because you are a lame loser.
"Ladies and Gentlemen: it's The Eric Andre Show!" Eric runs on stage and then drops kicks the wooden desk. It breaks in half and reveals a birthday cake. A mouse comes up and starts eating it. As he eats more its revealed that there was a mouse in the cake. The two mice begin to fight each other over the cake. The mouse that was in the cake wins, and then leaves the set. Eric does not say goodbye. Eric starts to cry and then walks off the set of the show. He does not look back. Everyone looks around and is confused. Is he going to come back? Is he done with this forever? After a few days of sitting on the set not doing anything, someone says it's time to warp the season up.
People are crying. There is a big party on the set. It's supposed to be a good thing, a thing that brings everyone who worked on the set together. Hannibal says nice things to people. This on its own is a kind of upsetting thing, but it makes sense for the moment. Hannibal begins to take a bite of his cake, and someone reminds him that he should wait and let everyone get a slice before he starts. The Asian lady singer was in the bathroom and hadn't gotten any.
Everyone was about to leave the party, it had winded down by this point. It was long and everyone was just kind of sad and done with things at that point.
Then Eric kicked down the door.
This surprises you. You are easily surprised and yell at even the smallest of commotions. If there was an earthquake you would die of a heart attack and all of your teeth would fall out.
"Y'all ready for this episode?" He screamed. No one looked up, as they were used to this.
"What dawg? We thought you were gone from all this," Hannibal said. He was calm and nice about it, but underneath there was a sense of anger and disappointment.
"Nah, man. This is my show. I just had some cigarettes I needed to pick up from the gas station." Eric said. And then he went and sat at his desk. He didn't have any cigarettes on him, or at least that's how it appeared.
Hannibal followed him and sat in the chair next to the desk.
"So did you get a guest for this?" Eric asked Hannibal. Hannibal looked around himself, and finally, put his head in his hands.
"Nah man I didn't get anyone, I can make a few calls if you need me to think, '' Hannibal said and started looking through his phone. He started to call someone when Eric put a hand on his phone.
"That's okay, I think we got someone" and then a tv came out from the desk, and Eric put it on channel 4. He then asked Hannibal to get up off the chair, and then he put the tv on the chair.
"What the fuck is this," Hannibal said.
Then the Simpsons's theme song started playing. It was the old-school one with a little bit more animation and roughness to it. The entire theme song played and then Homer Simpson's was on the screen, alone sitting in his living room.
"Hello," He said.
"Homer, are you ready to be on our show?" Eric said. Eric didn't make eye contact with the TV screen, but he also never made eye contact with any of the guests, so it wasn't uncharacteristic or anything.
"So what kind of things are you into man?" Hannibal asked. He didn't seem like he was into this. Hannibal had a way of not liking things that were too weird or alt. He wanted to keep things as normal as possible. Hannibals' favorite stand up comedian was actually tom papa. This made sense when you kept in mind that Hannibal was actually black.
"Do-nuts" Homer Simpson supplied. Then he gave a wide knowing smile. "Actually, I hate donuts, that's just the character play on tv"
Eric smiled wide and Hannibal's mouth went agog. "Dude tight man dude" and Eric went in for the low five. Homer was of course stuck in the television and could not lower-five him, so he just let Eric and Andre hang. It left an emotional gulf between them that Hannibal wasn't sure the show could recover from. So they just want a commercial break. These commercials were terribly propagandist in nature. You are probably watching Hulu or something as bad as Hulu. Adult Swim has much better commercial breaks.
When the show comes back Eric Andre is on the street. He goes into a corner store in New York city. The person in front of him buys a pack of gum. It's good gum, a new flavor. The man at the cash register had highly recommended it to the purchaser.
"Hey man, can I try a piece of that gum, I'd love to try it before I buy it, you know what I mean" and Eric laughed at his own none-joke. The man looked at Eric, but then quickly said he could. He offered Eric to take a piece of the gum.
When Eric went to take a piece he was struck by lightning. He was being electronics to death. He was screaming in agony. "Oh my dear lord, OW, Please" he was on the ground withering in pain and crying. "An amulance please and ambulance" Then another lighting strike hits Eric Andre and wins the left eye. "OH JESUS CHRIST"
And then the man who sold the gum at the cash register was like "Why did you do that to that man? Why did you give a man with a pacemaker that trick gum? It says clearly on the label to not give it to those with critical heart conditions"
The man stared at the low-wage-earning employee for a few moments and then looked at the gum, which is normal and has noh warnings on it. It doesn't even look like it's joke gum. But this man is an idiot so he apologizes.
And then the screen card "We'll be back" happened, and the show went to a commercial break. There are a lot of commercial breaks during this chapter. Do you like that as a person who is paying absolutely no money to read this episode of the Eric Andre show? Because actually the commeiral go on for so long during this episode that you're like, whoa am I watching the Eric Andre show or am I watching like, the shopping channel. That's what you are thinking right now. That is, I said that, and now it's true.
The show resumes after about three hours of commercial and Eric is still interviewing Homer Simpson.
Homer is making jokes about how much he hates his wife. Eric is listening with intention and interest. It is very nice and wholesome for men, but not really for straight women who are part of the world and also watch TV and stand-up comedy.
The credits roll. You are still watching. You have not turned off the tv or the tablet or water you happen to be watching reading this on. Probably a movie screen. That's how good this fanfic gets. You don't leave until the last credit has rolled. You cry. You do many things in your life after finishing the episode, but mostly your life is hollow compared to what it was before this. You wish you had never seen the Eric Andre show in the first place.
