Episode Ten: Taylor swift

"Ladies and Gentlemen: it's the Eric Andre Show!"

Eric Andre wiped his dick out and started pissing all over the TV. But his piss was green. It made a lot of people think about green eggs and ham. And so Eric began to read that book to the camera, with his pants off. Since his piss was so hot it was evaporating off the camera and now we could see Eric's big ol' cock. It was bigger than a horse's, it was bigger than a giraffe's, it was bigger than a whale dick. It was expanding. With every word of green eggs and ham that Eric spoke his dick got bigger. Soon it burst out of the filming room. It hit many people when it burst the door open. Eric was definitely going to get me to take over this one day.

"Hello Taylor Swift," Eric Andre said. He made eye contact with her, and they shook hands. She sat down and seemed to be rather comfortable.

"Hey, how are you?" Taylor Swift said with a wide smile. She was very charming and very nice looking.

"I'm good, would you like to eat some fish?" Eric Andre asked very politely and handed Taylor Swift a rather generous portion of mackerel. She did not take it, and her smile faded.

"What,"

And then the screen card "We'll be back" happened, and the show went to a commercial break. When they came, Eric was sitting on his balls. He was in pain but he didn't want to make Hannibal, who had noticeably small balls, feel bad. That is how much of a good guy and great friend Eric was. In fact, Hannibal was thinking about making Eric a friendship bracelet- or at least that's what Eric thought that Hannibal was thinking about. Hannibal was actually thinking about his joke where he talks about eating a penguin burger. Good joke man.

"Hey, you need to keep doing the show, man," Hannibal said. It had been five minutes of quiet ball sitting, and Hannibal knew that would not be good for the audience's enjoyment.

"Right, right, who's ready for the Da Baby to rap OVER THE SOUNDS OF BABIES"

"No," Hannibal said and then got up and left.

"Dang man, I'm really good"

"Oh, okay," Hannibal said and then sat back down in his chair. Taylor swift left the area, as she was not that interested in da baby or rap music. She liked country music. And classical music. And modern jazz. None of that was Da baby, and so she was going to relieve herself.

Six baby strollers were pushed into the showroom, and then the beat dropped and Da Baby rapped harder than any of those babies. Those babies were not even trying compared to a baby. Da Baby was rapping with all his might. Which was way more than all the babies. Da Baby rapped so hard that he knocked over not one, two but four of the baby strollers. The babies fell to the ground, barely having rapped at all.

Then we'll come back.

When we get back to the episode, Eric is on the couch. Sitting, looking bored. "Well, it's time for Taylor Swift"

Taylor swift, perfectly amped up, ready to sing and dance and be a relatable human girl, walks out from the back. She walks carefully, waving like Princess Diana. She was dressed better than anyone had ever dressed in for the Eric Andre show before.

"Hello Taylor Swift," Eric says, folds his hands into one another, and leans back in his chair. "Tis' been a long time,"

"I don't remember ever meeting you before," Taylor Swift said. And then a Taylor Swift impersonator began to play a song with the band.

"Man, that's good music," Eric said. And it was good music. "Better than the kind of trash they play on the radio,' Taylor swift looked at him, then she looked back at the person playing her song, they had a blond wig on and looked much better than Taylor swift had ever looked in her entire life. Taylor knew this. Well, I mean how could she not?

Taylor began to cry.

"I'm not dealing with that," Eric said. He pulled out a Rubix from between the two cheeks of his buttox. The cube was stinky, but damn was Eric great at playing it. He solved it once, twice, and then three times before Taylor Swift stopped her beach whale-esque crying.

Taylor Swift eventually stopped crying.

"So you're ready to be interviewed then," Eric said.

"Yeah, I mean as ready as a girl can be,"

"Alright, well tell me, where do you get your ideas," Eric said this with a straight face, and stared down at Taylor Swift, trying to get an answer to where someone, anyone would have come up with a song like "black space'

Taylor took a big breath in, she pondered the question. "It's so many things really,"

"But what kind of things?" Eric dug deep, not letting Taylor Swift off the hook with this one.

" I mean, so much of it comes from my parents, they're a great source of inspiration, and they have so many stories," Taylor said.

"So many stories," Taylor Swift said airly. She was thinning from a bygone time. And Eric was thinking of a much different bygone time. Where hillbillies were just called people. And reindeer were just called roadkill. And road kill was just called a second cousin. Nobody knew anything, and much less of all, nobody did know Taylor Swift. And Eric for what it's worth, though that might just have been a better way.

It was right then and there that Eric decided to stop giving folks platforms. Yes, he loved the Eric Andre show, yes he thought it was a jolly ol' good time putting it on. But it harmed folks. It gave Taylor Swift a platform to promote her brand and bolstered her self-image. Well, none of that. Eric, without saying another word, got from his chair and left the stage. He was free.