The Misery of Lord Voldemort.


Merula looked to be edging closer to death by each passing breath. Kara, Astra, and I managed to get her down to the Dungeons rapidly.

"What happened?" Kara asked.

"She's not making much sense," I said. "We'll get her help first and then we'll deal with who attacked her."

By her perspective, and I guess mine, I dropped Merula back off in the present six months ago. Almost a week before I got shoved back into my younger body thanks to the Timephoon.

"Professor Haywood!" Kara yelled. "We need your help! It's urgent."

Penny opened the door up and her mouth hung open for a second.

"Merula?" Penny asked.

"She's been poisoned," I said quickly.

"We need to get her a healer, now," Penny said.

"No," Merula gasped. "No hero…Godric's Hollow…fountain."

We lead her inside of the Potions classroom. Penny's trembling hand went to the back of the room. Zari and Gideon found their way down to the Dungeons rather quickly.

"She's been poisoned," I told them.

"By a magically modified Milos Viper," Gideon said. "It's a nasty snake, very rare, but extremely poisonous."

"I'm going to need to find the entry point of the poison, and extract the venom from the snake to get an antidote," Penny said. "I'm going to have to tell Professor Patil. She might be able to help us."

"Fine," Merula said. "But, no one else."

Merula collapsed on the modified bed Penny hastily transfigured. Sweat stained her face instantly. Penny rushed down the hallway to Preeti Patil's office.

"Kara, search for anything embedded in her skin," I told her.

"Right," Kara said as she scanned Merula's back. "There. Base of her spine."

"Merula, bite down on this," I told her. "This will hurt."

Merula bit down. I will spare everyone the gory details, but needless to say, I got a nearly invisible snake out of Merula's spine and just managed to flush the venom out. The snake hissed angrily.

"She's struggling," Astra said. "There's some kind of dark magic, it's causing her white-blood cell count to deplete. Whoever attacked her wanted her dead."

"There was a nasty fight by the looks of things," Zari said. "Anything else, Gideon?"

"No, the viper and that curse were the two major things, although she appears to have fallen from an immense height at least twice."

"Merula? My God!"

Beatrice rushed in in shock. The viper I dug out of Merula made an attempt to escape. I sealed it in a jar.

"What happened to her?" Beatrice asked.

Preeti stepped into the room next to me.

"She'll be fine," Penny said. "Professor Patil will help."

"Cassie, still in danger," Merula groaned. "Barely got away."

"Relax," Preeti said. "You can't help anyone right now."

"Beatrice, I need you to fetch me the ingredients from this potion from the store room. It should stabalize her. Although she needs a proper healer."

"What's going on?" Beatrice asked.

"Time is of the essence, please," Penny said.

"Right, I know, "Beatrice said. "I wish she would get better."

I leaned down to make sure there were no other nasty surprises. The broken bones, bruises, and cuts were lethal enough. The snake allowed us to concoct an antidote.

We let the two Potioneers do their thing, although Preeti had a decent enough ground in healing. Astra, Zari, and Kara all leaned back and watched.

"Her vital signs are slowly returning back to normal," Gideon told us. "She will be fine."

"Thankfully," Astra said. "She mentioned Godric's Hollow."

"Yes," I agreed. "We better give them some room. If she's not up by morning, we're heading down there, ourselves."

"It might be dangerous," Zari said. "We don't know exactly what we're going up against."

"She mentioned Voldemort," I said.

"But, he's just a shade, without a body right now," Kara said.

"And he wasn't in good shape after you burned his last host," Zari added.

"Indeed," I said.

It was something to think about. I watched Penny and Merula. Merula started to get signs of life back into her eyes.

"Drink," Penny said. "Please."

"So ,do you want to explain what's going on?" Beatrice asked us.

"It's…we're working on something," Kara said. "Something important."

"Oh, and how did Merula get involved?" Beatrice asked. "She seems to know you."

"She does," I said. "We'll tell you if you really want to know, but not here, not now."

"Was it what that Centaur was going on about?" Beatrice asked. "Was she involved with that? Was Cassie?"

"It's dangerous," Astra said.

"Yes, I figured as much when Merula came back looking like death warmed over," Beatrice said with a slight roll of her eyes. "It's fine, if you don't want me to know. But, is Cassie involved in this?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted. "Merula babbled her name, but she said something about Voldemort and a Fountain and Godric's Hollow."

"I wonder if it has anything to do with those weird events that are all over the news," Beatrice said. "I've just been hearing people talking about it on the Wireless. Some people think it has something to do with ambient magic in the air that only appears about every ten years."

"Oh, it's a lot longer than that," I said. "Beatrice, I know you have a lot of questions."

I would too when I was her age.

"It has something to do with You-Know-Who," Beatrice breathed softly. "He's trying to come back again, just like he did when he possessed Quirrell. And you stopped him. And you can stop him again."

"If I have to," I said.

Beatrice might have been onto something. Although nothing made sense. Voldemort was a lifeless shell. All of the people who would come after him had been indisposed in some form or fashion. The people who claimed the Imperius Curse were being put under a microscope these days.

Yet there was this Misery person Merula mentioned in her incoherent ramblings.

"You will," Beatrice said. "Why won't he just stay dead?"

"Because he's taken insane steps to cheat death," I told her.

Beatrice said no more. She sat down and sighed.

"Is it really him?" Gideon asked.

"Knowing my luck, his fingerprints are in it," I said. "We'll deal with it soon."


About an hour before we planned to head off to Godric's Hollow to investigate the matter ourselves, Penny walked out with me.

"She's better," Penny said. "She's her normal self anyway. She wants to talk to you, Harry, and only you. And she refuses to say anything more unless she speaks to you."

"Have you told anything about her?" I asked.

"Well, Professor Ravenclaw will have known, she has to," Penny said. "But, she's often said that Hogwarts will be a sanctuary for those who need it. I'm just afraid Merula's gotten involved in something dangerous."

"Likely," I said.

I stepped inside and put up the necessary privacy charms. Merula, heavily bandaged, sat up. She winced when moving.

"There's a good reason why you almost flew into my dormitory window, right?" I asked.

Merula motioned to the door and the walls.

"Privacy spells are up, no one can hear us," I said to her.

"You dropped me off back in the present," Merula said. "And you went nuts. Well past-you did."

"Future me from 2021 got put in past me from 1991 if you must know," I told you.

"Oh, that explains a lot, you were lashing out because you can't have sex about twenty times a day for another three years."

That's a half-truth. Well almost a half-truth.

"Let's not talk about what I've done," I said. "What were you doing?"

"I met up with Cassie," Merula said. "We encountered a bit of a situation. There were these weirdos wearing cloaks who were acting dodgy."

Consider my interest, piqued.

"Cloaks?" I asked.

"Your dodgy dark wizard types," Merula said. "Knockturn alley regulars. Their leader is a particular gem. Her name is Christine Bates, but everyone calls her Misery. She's got a few screws loose, to put it mildly. Cassie and I had our fair share of encounters with them, while dodging the usual inept Ministry stooge. There's this guy named Dawlish who really is persistent. And persistently stupid."

"I'm aware of him, yes," I told her. "Is this Misery dangerous?"

"Skilled at magic, although she's vapid as hell and she's in love with Voldemort," Merula said. "To the point where I almost fear for his virtue. I'm talking about Bellatrix Lestrange on crack levels. But, never mind. We found out they were after the means to bring Voldemort back. And it just so happens it's in Godric's Hollow…"

"The Fountain of Imperium," I told her.

"You know?" Merula asked. "And why are you still here? You should be getting there right now."

"Well, that was my plan, until you smacked headlong into my window," I said.

"Cassie pretty much shoved me on the broom, just as that damn snake bit me," Merula said. "And she told me to get help. You're my help. Because, you're the only person I know I can trust. Even if you are not exactly at the peak of your powers. She was fighting them with everything she had, and took down a few on my way out. Although Misery won't stop. Not until Voldemort comes back. And they planned to use either Cassandra or me as a sacrifice to bring him back, using the Fountain."

"They really have no idea how the Fountain works," I said.

"They're not going to stop at one sacrifice," Merula said. "So, let's go."

Merula stood up and took a couple of steps, before wincing.

"You're in no condition to fight," I told her. "Astra, Zari, Kara, and I will go there, rescue Cassie, stop Voldemort, and smack down this Misery person."

"You think she's still alive?" Merula asked.

"I have a feeling Cassie's not the one they really want," I told them.

"So, you know it could be a trap, but you're willingly walking into one?" Merula asked. "Wow, you can take the Boy-Who-Lived out of Gryffindor, but you can't take the Gryffindor out of the Boy-Who-Lived."

"Harry?" Astra asked.

"She's not going to like me going off on my own," I said.

"Better to ask forgiveness than permission," Merula told me. "Either you leave with me now, or I'll go there myself."

"Not going to happen," I told her.

I flung the door open.

"Gideon, I need you to monitor the map," I told her. "Zari, Astra, and Kara, you're coming with me. Merula, stay put."

"What?"

"You heard me," I said.

"Absolutely not, you don't know what Misery's capable of," Merula said. "I've fought her."

"And she sicced a snake out of Herpo the Foul's wet dreams on you, didn't she?" I asked her.

Merula crossed her arms.

"We could use her," Astra said.

"You need me," Merula said. "You Legends get into trouble without my help half of the time."

"That's a rather skewed perception of reality," Astra said.

"And I'm not a Legend, I'm just a ride along," Kara said. "Only there because I'm with Harry."

"But, you were involved too," Merula said. "My wife is literally going to die to some genocidal fangirl, if we don't do something now."

"Wife?" Astra asked. "When did this happen?"

"Vegas, that happened," Merula said.

"It happens," I agree.

"Hence why you're banned from going," Kara quipped.

I just smiled. We were wasting valuable time. I grabbed Merula's hand and Astra's. And Astra's grabbed Zari's and Zari's grabbed Kara.

I disapparated us all out of Hogwarts.

Yes, I know you can't do that.

Fuck you, I'm Harry Potter, and fuck your rules.


Nocturna said I needed to go home so the old Potter house would be the best place to start. Astra, Merula, Kara, Zari, and I just landed on the ground.

"They're close," Merula said.

I waved my hand and a snake rose up out of the grass.

"How dare you?" It hissed. "Put me down human."

"Where is Misery?" I asked it.

"That silly girl?" it asked. "She's down below. Where the magic purifies the air! Where unworthy will decay!"

"Cassandra Jacobs, is she down there?"

"They chased her beneath," the snake said. "Let me go. Every second is misery."

"Indeed," I said to the snake. "Cassie went below and Misery and her crew followed her."

"Beneath?" Astra asked.

"There's magic, seeping beneath those rune stones," I told her.

"Great," Merula said.

Merula waved her wand and several flickers of light flashed leading through the rune stones. She leaned down and slowly traced the patterns.

"This is taking too long," Astra said.

"I know," Merula said. "They scrambled the runes. I swear this Misery, I'm going to make her pay when I get my hands on her. If she's done anything, I'm going to…"

The runes beneath myself and Merula cracked and swallowed us down into the ground. We went down what appeared to be some kind of magical vortex, which took us to a twist and a turn and an insane journey where I had no idea where it ended.

It spat Merula and me into some kind of underground chamber. A strange glowing light emitted around us.

"Well that was a fun ride," I said. "Can we go again?"

"You're mental," Merula said.

"And we're on the right track," I told her. "Look, mushrooms."

"Yes, and run off," Merula said. "And blood. Please don't be Cassie's."

"It could be anything down here," I told her.

A loud rumbling growl from further down the tunnel caused my hand to tense. With my luck, it could be some elder demon with way too many tentacles. We walked further down the tunnel.

More lights, more water, and more mushrooms. I reached for some of the water, but it sped away. It returned to whatever the central source is.

"It's leading us on," I said.

Two bodies laid on cold ground. Merula rushed over and flipped the hood off both of them. A bald gentleman and a man with white hair, neither of them Cassandra Jacobs.

"Good," Merula said.

"And that's the end of the tunnel," I told her.

Crumbling rock indicated there was a cavein. I scanned the area. No bodies underneath which was an encouraging sign if I do say so myself.

"Only way to go but down."

Merula eyed the slide apprehensively.

"Ladies first," I told her.

"Fuck your chivalry," she grumbled.

I figured Astra, Kara, and Zari were going to try to find their way in. I was leaving a trail which Kara could pick up with her X-Ray vision. Merula went down the slide and I followed her.

The bones lying at the bottom greeted us. And then I saw a huge and hideous object, a rat the size of a van. Or whatever was left of it. It had been skinned alive and harvested for something.

Neither Merula nor I talked as we moved forward. The intoxicating power got even stronger. We had to be getting closer.

"Watch it!" I yelled.

A large hole in the ground opened up and a tentacle poked up from underneath. The eldritch abomination underneath tried to get a bit too friendly with Merula. She blasted the tentacle and caused blood to splatter everything.

I blasted it further out of the way. The fact it kept slithering on its own accord was rather foreboding.


It was so silent it unsettled me. I managed to keep leaving the trail so Kara, Zari, and Astra could follow our path. Although I can just imagine Astra's reaction right about now.

"We've been going around circles for almost a half of an hour," Merula said.

A light shined down the tunnel. Merula and I braced ourselves for a fight.

"What are you doing down here?"

For a second, I blinked. Bellatrix stood on the other end of the tunnel, wand raised. And thankfully she did not attack us.

I had so many questions right now. I lead with the obvious one.

"Where did you get a wand?" I asked

"Oh, I picked it off a corpse back down that tunnel," Bellatrix said.

"A corpse?" Merula asked in surprise "Where?"

"Well, it's not like they're using the wand," Bellatrix said.

"You shouldn't have been able to leave Hogwarts," I told her.

"I had to," Bellatrix said. "I managed to work around the bracelet. Especially when this started burning."

Bellatrix rolled up her sleeve and showed the dark mark burning. Instantly, Merula lashed out and blasted Bellatrix down the tunnel with a banishing spell. She smacked against the wall with a crunching force.

"I deserved that," Bellatrix groaned.

"One of his most devoted followers just happens to be down here in the tunnel," Merula said.

"I'm not devoted to him anymore," Bellatrix groaned. "I've learned some of the terrible things he's done."

"Oh, I don't buy it," Merula said.

"Don't," Bellatrix said. "This thing keeps burning like a bad reminder."

The dark mark burned brighter. And blacker on Bellatrix's arm.

"Stronger, growing stronger," I told him.

A stinging pain came over my scar. Not as bad since I knew how to control it. However, I realized something rather unsettling.

He was here. Tonight. Of all nights.

"Voldemort's here," I told them. "We have to reach the Fountain."

"Do you have a plan?" Merula asked.

"I have a plan," I said. "Whether it's a good one, I don't know."

"Who needs a plan?" Bellatrix asked. "That just means they have a chance of foiling your plan."

I noticed the suspicious looking crack in the wall. A small cut in my hand dripped blood on the crack and the cave wall slid open.

"After you," Merula told Bellatrix.

"Just who are you?" Bellatrix asked.

"Merula Snyde," I said.

"Oh, I met your parents," Bellatrix said. "They were wicked. Real quiet at the end after the Dementors sucked away their will to live."

"Just go," Merula growled.

Bellatrix did so. I could hear the dripping of something running off. And it was getting even colder down here. Something was wrong.

My scar still hummed.

Merula rushed over to the corpse on the ground and rolled it over. A look of permanent fear had been etched on the man's face. As if it was scared to death by something.

I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel.

"Not, Cassie," Merula murmured.

She lit her wand and it went down the way. Ice covered the cave walls despite it being in the middle of June. Between the three of us, we shined through a rapidly thickening fog.

"Dementors," Bellatrix murmured.

"Lower," I told them. "Just push though."

"You can do a Patronus," Merula said shakily. "You backed off those snakes on the train."

"What do you know about that?"

"I…I was keeping tabs on Misery, and I saw her release them," Merula said. "I chased her down, but she gave me a slip."

"Who is Misery?" Bellatrix asked.

"Voldemort's number one fangirl," I told her.

"Kid has no future," Bellatrix said.

We came to a figure slumped against the wall. Red hair, blue eyes, rather lithe, and athletic. Hastily patched up wounds in her right hand as if something had been slammed through it. And blood splattering her face and robes.

"Cassie?" Merula asked.

"Merula?" she breathed. "It's a…."

Trap, of course it's a trap. Devil's snare burst through the ground and ensnared Cassie, Merula, and Bellatrix. I managed to dodge the attack and try and burn the damn thing.

Fire spells did not work.

That's concerning.

The viper just sinking its fangs into my shoulder is concerning as well. The venom seeped in for a second and it did not embed itself into my spine like it did Merula's. Still, it left me open for the Devil's Snare to grab me.

"You won't die. Not yet."

A three-headed snake appeared from the shadows. It's beady little eyes fixed upon us. Along the familiar chilling feeling of a Dementor washing over us. And I could not move my arm without the Devil's Snare strangling up.

Trapped down here without the girl who could shoot heat from her eyes. That would kind of be useful right now .Considering heat spells did not work at all.

One shot.

"Expecto…" I breathed.

Pain like thousands of white hot knives shot through my body.

"It's like those snakes on the train," Merula gasped.

"You brought, Harry Potter here?" Cassie asked. "Oh, Merula, that's the one thing she wanted."

"I knew it," Merula said. "What did it say?"

"It said we won't die yet," I said.

"Reassuring," Cassie said. "It's a pleasure to meet you, by the way."

"Likewise," I said.

"So, did you enjoy your Christmas present?" she asked me.

"Oh, Merula's was nice, very beautiful," I told her.

"Thanks," Merula said.

"And mine?"

"That was kind of illegal what you sent me," I breathed. "Did you steal those from the goblins?"

"No, I took them from my brother," Cassie managed. "Who stole them from some Ghoul guy. Who took them from the Goblins?"

"Ghoul guy?" I asked.

"Raze Ghoul I think Jacob said his name was."

Wait, her brother's name was Jacob Jacobs?

That's like getting married to some gigolo and finding out your name is now Marcy Darcy.

The things you think about when you're getting slowly strangled to death like you're in some mobile game with a dodgy energy mechanic.

"Raze Ghoul?" I asked. "You mean Ra's al Ghul!"

"Yeah, that's what Jacob said that guy's name, he went to some place called Nanda…Parbat, and well to get enlightenment after everything he's been though. Some League or something. Maybe it's a society."

Oh, I've got something that the Demon's Head would like back. That seems like a future Harry problem, maybe. I'm sure people would be thrilled about the potential crossover.

To be fair, I killed Ra's al Ghul already. Twice.

Bloody Lazarus Pits.

And Eobard Thawne about five times.

And Damien Darhk once.

Although we're on pretty good terms these days.

Fuck Thawne though.

Going to have to deal with this bullshit too.

Ra's daughters are hot though. So there's that.

I know, more crossovers.

Might as well take over the League of Shadowy Assassins again. I think I might have done that before. Hard to tell when the oxygen is slowly leaving my brain.

This really is a future Harry problem. Got to focus on staying alive right now.

Well, maybe not. I think I'm going to die.

Maybe I'll wake up in the cupboard again for a redo. Wouldn't that be nice?

Maybe next time I can cosplay as Sting cosplaying as the Joker.

The wrestler, not the singer.


"Oh, this brings back some memories," Cassie said. "Remember our first year?"

"I said I was sorry!" Merula gasped. "Why isn't this killing us?"

"Because, we already died and are now trapped in a free to play mobile game?" I managed.

"Our guests have arrived!"

A bubbly, very excited, and extremely shrill voice arrives. A dark haired young woman merrily skipped her way into the corridor and madly. She dressed in black robes, although she lost the intimidation factor with the pigtails. A few dark wizards and witches arrived behind her.

They looked slightly more macabe them their leader.

"And the guest of honor is here," she cooed. "Hi, I'm Misery. My friends call me Misery. My enemies call me Misery. My mother called me Christine but she's now dead, so she's not doing that anymore. And Professor Snape called me, Ms. Bates, you are a useless airhead, who can't even stand up a cauldron without it being a disaster. Well, you're in Azkaban Professor Greaseball and I'm going to help the most awesomest Dark Lord in the entire history of forever complete his plan to enslave Mudbloods, half bloods, and blood traitors!"

Oh, this is somehow worse than getting slowly strangled to death by Devil's Snare. Astra, where are you? Kara? Zari?

"Harry Potter!" Misery yelled. "Hi!"

"Hello," I said.

"You're going to die today, okay, sweetie?" Misery asked. "But, it's going to be so totally cool, because you so should have died a long time ago. The Dark Lord will rise again. And everything will be poggers!"

What the hell is this thing? And how can we kill it?

"O-M-G!" she squealed. 'It's Bellatrix! Bellatrix Lestrange! Oh, Bellatrix, I want your autograph. Sign it in blood. On my boobs!"

"You need to settle, kid,' Bellatrix said.

"It's just you are so totally my hero and you are like, so wicked, and stuff," she said. "And when I went to Albania, it was like so totally grim, but then, I met my little boo. And we are going to do great things. The Dark Lord will come back!"

"This is the dangerous threat that gave you trouble, Merula?" I asked.

"Oh, Merula, Merula, honey, you should have picked the winning team," Misery cooed. "But it's too late! It's too late for you all. Especially you, Harry Potter. I'll get you. AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!"

"I don't have a dog," I deadpanned.

"Well, every kid should have a dog," Misery said. "I'll buy you one, okay, sweetie. And then…I'M GOING TO GET IT!"

She laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and coughed, and then wheezed.

"Merula, this is the threat that gave you trouble?" I asked her.

"Hey, we're trapped and you've been poisoned, haven't you?" Merula fired back.

"True," I said.

"Oh, my precious little Devil's snare, so misunderstood," Misery said. "I've got a thing for so many creatures and plants and things. You see, I was just a lost little lamb without a purpose until my friends made me see the light. And I got this bitching cloak just like them."

Misery ran a nail down my face. I shuddered.

"Too bad, you're going to have to die," Misery said. "You have beautiful eyes. Think the Dark Lord will let me keep them?"

"Misery?" a familiar voice hissed. "I grow tired of this game."

"Oh, there he is, my little boo-boo sweetie," Misery cooed

"I was never this infatuated at my worst," Bellatrix said in disgust.

"Do you like the Devil's Snare?" Misery asked. "I made it myself. Or my Runespoor Dementor? Or the runes I carved into the wall that prevents you from casting any Patronus Charms or flame magic? How about that, mmm? Because, you were a bad, bad, boy, Harry Potter. Chasing those snakes down and starving them. I wanted to feed them all of those delicious children and all of their fears."

"You sick psycho bitch!" Merula snapped.

Merula almost let out a scream when the Devil's Snare started to crush her again.

"They don't like it when you talk bad to their Mommy," Misery said.

"MISERY? I need nursing!"

"Coming, sweetums!"

The Devil's Snare relaxed its grip on Merula. Blood dripped from the ground.

"So, do we have a plan?"

"Bring the stroller over here. I want him to see what I've done! NO, don't do it like that. CRUCIO!"

She's got a few screws loose.

Misery returned, and she had a baby in her arms. Who was, well doing what babies did what they were hungry. Said baby wore a onesie, with emerald green booties.

Was she having…no, I refuse to even entertain what was happening!

I swear I was having a really bad trip.

But this was real.

Very real.

"What the fuck?" Bellatrix breathed.

"Hello, Bella."

The baby turned its head and showed the snake-faded vistage of Voldemort turned towards me.

"M'am, you have an ugly baby," I said.

"Potter," Voldemort said.

"Hello, Tom," I replied. "Nice booties."

"CRUCIO!" Misery yelled at me.

"Misery, you actually have to point the wand at him," Voldemort hissed. "And drop me and you will be sorry."

"Oh, don't worry, my Lord, I've got you," Misery said. "Mommy's got you. Mommy will make you strong. Just like Mommy birthed you into a new body after that mean old, nasty Harry Potter set your old one on fire. Oh, he is a bad, bad, Harry Potter, yes he is, yes he is."

I could see the look of annoyance crossing Voldemort's face as this woman of questionable sanity kept cooing at the most feared Dark Lord in a century in baby talk.

"Potter," Voldemort said. "Welcome. To my new beginning. And your glorious end."

Oh, it's about time for a villain monologue. Just love those things.

I really wish I had brought a book.

To Be Continued.