Lockhart Versus Lockhart.


Well, we got Gilderoy Lockhart's rogue's gallery of baddies. And they seized up their mortal enemy like a snack. Astra, Kara, and I herded everyone out of the shop, although a few looked like they wanted to look at the battle that was about to take place.

Everyone but Umbridge. But, I honestly did not count her. If Umbridge accidentally got mangled by some monsters, oh well. That would be a real shame.

Only not really. I must not tell lies and all that.

"I don't understand this!" Lockhart yelled.

"Well, you beat them once before!" Umbridge yelled. "So do it again! I know you can. You're an amazing wizard, Gilderoy. Unless you lied in your books."

Oh, this is about to get spicy.

"Um, no," Lockhart said. "But, I'm not sure if I…"

The Terrible Troll lifted Lockhart up by the scruff of his neck. He kicked and screamed, and whimpered.

"Puny human pay for stomping troll's balls!" the troll growled.

"I didn't do any of those things!" Lockhart yelled. "I'm a fraud. Please don't kill me, I'm a fraud!"

"Astra, door!" I yelled.

A bright light blinded the beasts. The Vampire of Venice screamed in agony. More sunlight reflections went into the creature's face and made him groan.

I conjured a wooden stake and slammed it into the chest of the creature. The creature wobbled in agony.

The ghouls tried to snag Kara and lift her up. Kara wiggled out of the attacks and sent a super gust of breath to lift the bookshelf off and block Umbridge's view of what she was doing.

"Get this book shelf out of the way!" Umbridge shouted. "Do you hear me?"

I dodged the swinging fist of the Yeti. The Wagga Wagga Werewolf jumped on my back. I deflected the creature back. I'm not sure what a fictional werewolf bite would do. I don't know.

And I don't want to find out. Would either be the world's worst paper cut or it would be something nastier.

"Oh, of course, you've got this under control," Lockhart said. "If you need me, I'll be under the table right here…"

The Giggling Ghoul pulled Lockhart out from underneath the table. The troll almost stomped down onto Lockhart before Kara gave it a hot foot with her heat vision. Astra yanked him out of the way.

"Why are we saving this useless slug?" Astra demanded.

"Being the hero sucks sometimes," Kara murmured.

The Banshee took us down with a shriek which shattered every window of the shop. I waved my hand and tried to form a barrier. However, the creatures were not concerned about escaping. No, they were concerned about Lockhart.

"Time to make you pay!" The Banshee screamed. "You will pay for silencing me."

"Please, those were books, I didn't do this to any of you."

"Lies!" The Vampire howled. "LIES!"

"Hey!" I shouted. "Don't eat him. You don't know where he's been."

"Eat him?" the Yeti growled. "That's disgusting."

"Human tastes vile," the Waga-Waga werewolf snarled. "Especially with all of the hair care products this one uses."

"We're just going to peel off his flesh and make it into a coat," the Giggling Ghoul giggled.

"And I'm going to stomp his balls!" the troll growled.

Lockhart whimpered in agony. The Banshee kept us at bay. We fought through her super sonic scream. Kara made an attempt to use her super breath, but found it hard to breath.

"The Ghoul is doing something to the air," Kara gasped.

"HOW?" Astra gasped.

"You children should have not interfered," the Banshee growled.

"Stay down!" The Yeti yelled.

"Or else!" The Ghoul giggled.

"Going to eat us," I groaned.

The monsters all recoiled in horror.

"What is with this human?" The Banshee asked.

"Human flesh is disgusting," the Yeti said.

"We only want to skin the greatest hero that ever lived," the Vampire hissed.

"And since you couldn't find him, you settled for Lockhart!" I shouted.

The Ghoul created an energy field.

"Please, you've got to save me!" Lockhart groaned.

"Why?" I asked.

"You're Harry Potter!" Lockhart yelled. "You defeated You-Know-Who."

The Yeti grabbed Lockhart and almost ground his face against the wall. The troll pressed his foot against Lockhart's balls and ground up against him. Sweet revenge for the troll, who apparently took his ball kicking quite personally.

"I don't know who."

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" Lockhart yelled.

To be honest, I did know, but I enjoyed being a prick. Especially to this prick.

"Enough games!" the Werewolf yelled. "Any last requests."

"I want my Mummy!" Lockhart moaned.

"He didn't defeat a Mummy, did he?" the Yeti asked.

"I sure hope not," the Vampire hissed. "Mummy's have it hard enough, with their handicaps without such dirtbag hunter hunting them down."

I thought of about six ways to break out of the containment field. Umbridge rose up to her feet.

"I demand you let him go at once!" Umbridge yelled. "I speak on the authority of the Ministry of Magic…"

"Troll says talk to hand."

And the troll got his pimp slap on and sent Dolores Umbridge flying several feet. I turned to Kara and Astra who sighed.

"So, are we saving him?" Astra asked.

"We have to, I guess," Kara said.

"Got to figure out how to get these monsters back into the book," Harry said.

"And speaking of books, why is that one hissing?" Astra asked.

Good question. Some of the serum seeped into the book. And there had been a wild flash of light emitting from the book which caused the monsters to step back from the simpering idiot on the ground. '

Something happened. I found a weakness in the containment field which the Ghoul put us in and took steps to free us.


The book flashed to light and another Gilderoy Lockhart popped out of the book. This one seemed different than the quivering flesh and blood wreck.

"Great, that's just what we need," Astra groaned. "Another Lockhart!"

"Maybe," I said. "Or maybe not."

"Away from that pretty boy, you vile miscreants!"

Lockhart, well the book version of Lockhart, jumped into the air and threw a pair of garlic bombs into the air. The Vampire hissed in agony before Lockhart plugged him with two rapid fire stakes to the heart. The vampire screamed out in agony when he stepped back.

Lockhart went toe to toe with the troll and the Yeti and managed to subdue them both. He moved with all of the skill and speed of a great action hero.

The Banshee attempted to scream. This Lockhart put a muzzle on her and sent her flying backwards against the wall with a sickening thud.

"Damn, this Lockhart is kind of a bad ass," Kara said.

"Of course, that's how he was written," I said. "And now!"

The Ghoul had been trapped in his containment field. Fictional-Book Lockhart pumped his hand in the air and stabbed the Waga-Waga Werewolf in the gut.

"Many thanks for the assist; young wizard!" Book-Lockhart yelled. "Now, stand back, so I can banish these foul creatures back to where they have come from!"

Book-Lockhart performed a series of action maneuvers and swift swell work which sent the creatures trembling with terror back into the books.

"Oh, sure, I could do that, if I really had to," Lockhart said. "But, you had the matter in hand."

"No," I said. "You couldn't!"

The flash of light brought the monsters back into the books.

"Ha, today the battle is won!" Book-Lockhart yelled.

"Yes, we did it!" Lockhart yelled.

Suddenly, Book-Lockhart's eyes locked onto that of the real Lockhart. And then, he tackled Lockhart and secured him against the table.


Umbridge finally called in some Aurors. Bit too late to do anyone any good, you wretched toad. Astra, Kara, and I moved back to give Book-Lockhart some room.

"Unhand me!" Lockhart yelled. "I created you. You're me!"

"My parents would have words with you about that one," Book-Lockhart said. "And I can see it right now. You're nothing but a fraud and a liar. You are a scoundrel who has taken the adventures of others and have taken credit for it. And you have put others in danger with your lies."

"It was just to be famous, to sell books!" Lockhart yelled. "I put in a lot of hard work keeping all of those stories straight. The timeline in order. You know how nerds are about continuity. I put it in such much hard work keeping that straight."

"And now, you'll be putting in some hard times!" Book-Lockhart shouted. "Arrest him, my dear lady."

"Hands off him, you abomination," Umbridge said. "Potter, you'll pay for what you did."

"Harry didn't do anything you pink abomination," Astra said.

"And you, be silent, when your betters are talking," Umbridge said. "You released this phony Lockhart out and performed some magical charm to befuddle the real thing. You made him think he was some kind of coward. Because, you're jealous of him."

"Right," I said. "I'm jealous of Gilderoy Lockhart."

"See, the boy admits it!" Umbridge yelled.

"Obviously, we're not familiar with sarcasm," I said.

"Arrest that trouble making boy!" Umbridge yelled. "He's nothing, but trouble."

The Aurors looked at Umbridge like she had lost her mind.

"That's not what I've seen," Book-Lockhart said. "I see a budding young hero who risked life and limb to get these people out here."

"That's right!" one of the patrons from outside yelled.

"He got us all out of there before that monster trampled us!" another one of the patrons yelled.

"And he got us a good deal for books, when your Ministry bullied Flourish and Blotts into raising their prices for Hogwarts students!" another yelled.

"If you arrest, Potter, you'll arrest all of us!"

"Fine!" Umbridge yelled. "If you don't stand aside I'm going have all of you thrown into Azkaban and…"

An overripe tomato smashed Dolores Umbridge directly in the face in mid-sentence. Not sure, who threw it, but nice shot mysterious tomato throwing person. And suddenly, an avalanche of fruit had come in, with Dolores Umbridge getting smacked down. She looked like the world's most demented salad.

"Arrest them all!" Umbridge yelled. "They're creating an insurrection."

"Really, looks like they're making a salad," I said.

"INSURRECTION!" Umbridge shouted.

And a watermelon smacked her in the face and sent Umbridge flying backwards. More fruit buried her alive and Umbridge struggled to get to her feet. Umbridge pointed her wand at me, but Book-Lockhart jumped in front of her and drew his wand.

"Pulling your wand on a child is a new low, even for a Ministry stooge," Book-Lockhart said. "Perhaps, you should pick on someone your own size!"

"Arrest them both!" Umbridge yelled.

"Yeah, I think I have some vacation time coming," one of the Aurors said.

"Me too," another Auror said.

"No time like the present."

And with that the Aurors left, and Umbridge slipped and landed on her keister when smacking into the ground. She struggled to get some order. Although she was slipping and sliding in fruits and vegetables and whatever else the unruly public threw at her.

"I leave for fifteen minutes, and it's complete and utter chaos," Andromeda said.

"I know," Sirius said. "I threw the first tomato by the way."

"Good one," Kara said.

Something told me that Umbridge was not about to give up without a fight. She screamed and cursed at us. She lost what passed as sanity for her. And she was not the most sane of individuals to begin with. The people lost interest or ran out of fruit.

Helena Arnaut walked up next to me and looked terrified at what she just let out.

"I…you could have been hurt," Helena said. "Sorry."

"I don't hurt that easily," I told her.

"It's true," Kara said.

"Still, I thought I could do some good for the world," Helena said. "And all I did was unleash these monsters. These hideous and ravenous beasts. I did one of the worst things anyone could do. I let my research be perverted for evil purposes."

"It wouldn't be the last time," I told her. "And we'll track down the person who did it."

"Crouch having a squib son is a shock," Andromeda said.

"The fact he covered it up, not so much," Sirius said. "Just one question. What do we do about him?"

Book-Lockhart struck a triumphant pose over the secured bodies of Umbridge and his phony real world self. It was amazing how the actual Lockhart was the phony and the real Lockhart was the real deal.

"I…I don't know," Helena admitted. "The monsters were driven back into the book on their own accord."

"Yes, they fled to avoid further thrashing!" Book-Lockhart yelled.

Well, fictional Lockhart was as boisterous as his real world counterpart. But, he can back it up. So fairplay to him.

"I'm going to call Madam Bones," Sirius said. "See if she could secure you and your research. And track down the other samples that Amadeus and his hunchbacked minion stole."

"I have a feeling this was just a test run for something more insidious," I replied.

"Well, that was quite thrilling, but I really have to leave," Book-Lockhart said. "There's evil afoot and I wish to be around to stop it. If you need me, just call and I'll come rushing to the stunning siren song of adventure. Huzzah!"

And then, Book-Lockhart vanished with a slight pop. Astra turned to me.

"So, are we really going to let him run amuck out there?" Astra asked.

"He'll be fine," I said. "You can't cage a hero. And he might return to his books before too long."

Maybe, I had no idea how the serum worked. The books which Lockhart's rogues gallery came out of had been secured.

"Can't even go shopping for books without something weird happening," Astra said. "Wonder what Hogwarts is going to bring?"

Good questions. I took care of many of the expected things. Which left the unexpected. Which does make life worth living.

"Hope Helena's safe," Kara said. "She means well."

"Plenty of well meaning researchers have their work twisted for nefarious purposes," I reminded her.

"People are jerks," Astra grumbled.

Looks like I might have gotten myself banned from Flourish and Blotts. Which is perfectly fine, because with their outrageous prices, I could get a lot more elsewhere for a lot less.


It was one one of those things people would just have to expect. I casually walked into Azkaban, with Andromeda and Amelia walking next to me. I think both women thought there were certain things they were better off not knowing. Fair enough, I thought.

The Dementors fleeing at my very presence was just standard fare. I just waved at them.

"Bartemius Crouch Junior," Amelia Bones said.

"You can't be even considering this lunatic plan to release my son!" Senior yelled.

"Quiet!" Amelia said.

"I never should have had him released from Azkaban," Crouch Senior said.

"Well, obviously," Junior said. "But, Mum guilt-tripped you into doing so. Because, you got her sick because of the stupid deal you made. And you owed her. Big time."

"Don't talk about what you don't understand, boy," Senior said.

"After I sign this release form in, the Wizengamot will close the loophole and omit Hogwarts from the work release program," Amelia said. "So, this is the last time you can pull this one."

"This is the last time I want to," I said. "Junior, you have information for me."

"Yes," Junior said. "I understand you're still on the lookout for my squib brother. And the rest of the serum. I know you've taken Professor Arnaut into protective custody."

"I don't know how you get your information."

"It's…not important right now," Junior said. "I'm going to die if I stay here too much longer. The Dementors are going to suck every bit of desire out of me. Or they're going to come after me. Because Amadeus has lost his senses and went rogue."

"And you're released and will be reporting to Hogwarts to work for Sirius Black as his new deputy caretaker," Amelia said.

"You're making a huge mistake, Bones," Senior said. "What if his magic comes back? How are you going to control him? My son is one of the smartest wizards ever to attend Hogwarts. A master of deception."

We ignored Crouch's words and walked Junior out. We took a Portkey from the prison to Hogwarts, as Junior had been fixed with his restrainer bracelets.

"If you try and harm someone, these will shock you," Amelia said. "Do not attack any students. Or staff."

"Bellatrix seems to enjoy it," I said.

"Not really surprised," Junior said. "The Longbottoms might not be who you think you are."

"What?" I asked him.

"Either Frank or Alice was involved with them," Junior said. "Maybe both. And after we attacked, the Cloaks moved in to get rid of a potential leak. My father had an argument with them, the week before they were attacked. And I think he set them up, because he wanted to cover what he was doing. He worked with the Cloaks because he wanted to be Minister."

So this is juicy. And rather heartbreaking to Neville, if true. Then again, Junior might believe it was true.

"Who else knows this?" Andromeda questioned.

"Just my father and myself and the Longbottoms, although they're in no condition to tell anyone anything," Junior said. "Maybe you should haul my father in to see just how much he knows about what happened to them."

"Do you have any names?" I asked him.

"Mr. Potter, I strongly discourage you from getting involved," Amelia said. "Capable as you are, you're still only twelve years old."

Technically and legally, yes. Although it was odd that a capable adult was advocating for me. That was strange and unsettling for me.

"My memory is a bit muddled from my father using the Imperius Curse on me," Junior said. "If I remember, I'll let you know."

Junior winked at me for a second. I remembered he successfully impersonated Mad-Eye Moody for a year. And fooled a lot of people, not just Dumbledore. I couldn't credit this one on Dumbledore playing some kind of game as he tends to do.

It appeared Junior loved dangling these pearls, what little he knew in front of us. I'll find a way to get it out of him. But, he knows something. That's for sure.

"These people need to be stopped," Junior said. "The Dark Lord was our best chance. The lesser of two evils. But, I fear that they are too strong."

"We can't sacrifice ourselves to Voldemort just because of some shadow group is causing problems," Andromeda said.

"I agree," Amelia said.

"We're going to have to find another way," Andromeda said.

"I hope you can," Junior said. "These people don't play by the same rules you do. Even the Dark Lord had certain standards. They don't."

Junior once again locked eyes with me and I wondered what he was trying to say.

"I'll get you set up with Sirius, and you can do your job," Andromeda said. "And if you happen to remember any names, you can tell us at once."

"Right," Junior said. "But, don't sleep on the Longbottoms. I hope it is just Frank or Alice who was involved. But, with something this deep there could be people involved and the won't know it. Even the Dark Lord and Dumbledore could be used if the right chess pieces can be shifted. And even you, Potter, you could be just another puppet."

"Oh, they have no idea what they're getting into with me," I said

"Pride," Junior said. "It's a sickening sin."

He does have a point.


The lovely Penny Haywood and Chiara Lobosca waited to give me their findings of their deep studies of the Longbottoms.

"There's something you should know," Penny said. "Chiara will explain it to you."

"Oh?" I asked.

"Frank Longbottom is being kept in a state where his higher brain functions cannot control his body," Chiara said. "I've run multiple tests, and tried to figure out a way to jumpstart his nervous system and stimulate his brain. Return him back to what he is. His muscles are weak, but the right potions should do that. The problem is, none of the elements are strong enough. Penny helped me eliminate everything and we need this chemical compound to help stimulate Frank."

I noticed the equations before me. Well, this could be a bit of a problem.

"I've never seen that before," Penny said.

I have. And it's the one thing which I did not want to deal with.

"It's called Lazarus," I said. "It's a chemical which occurs deep beneath the Earth's surface. And manifests in pits. It can heal, but it also can induce madness."

And this point, Frank cannot go even madder.

"What about Alice?" I asked.

"Alice is…she's strange," Chiara said. "I've looked into her medical records. Frank was admitted into St. Mungos since the attack. However, there was a three day gap which Alice was gone And she was perfectly healthy until this gap was over. She doesn't appear to have any higher brain functions at all."

I nodded slowly.

"And I ran more tests," Chiara said. "She has the appearance of woman in her late thirties, but her body ages to that of an eleven year old child."

Well, fuck, I understood what this meant, even if Chiara did not complete did.

"She's a construct," I said. "A clone of the real Alice Longbottom."

Junior might be onto something. Alice, the real Alice Longbottom, might be a part of the Cloaks. Both Penny and Chiara looked at me gobsmacked.

"What happened to the real one, then?" Penny asked.

"I don't know," I said.

"You must have some idea," Penny prodded.

"Oh, I have ideas," I told them.

I once again tried to scan Alice's mind at the thought. Her main thought was to hand her son the gum wrappers when she saw him. And that was about all I could pull out of her brain before her eyes flashed open. Thankfully, she had been sedated to avoid the attack from earlier.

"Frank can be cured," I said.

"So ,what do we tell Neville?" Chiara asked. "Or his grandmother?"

Hey, Neville, your mother is really a clone. Yeah, that's not exactly a fun conversation. Although, she was only a clone from the Lestrange attack on. And your real mother might be part of a shadowy magical organization bent on control with goals which I don't yet fully understand. That seems like something youwld bring up for tea.

Clones. Feels like something from a 1990s comic event. Some kind of saga or something, featuring clones. Hope this doesn't go on for way too long. Or get too convoluted.

"Going to have to break this one to him gently," I said. "For now,keep it from him. Until we know for sure what the deal with Alice is."

"I…I guess we should not tell him yet," Penny said. "If you're sure."

"I'm sure."

I hated keeping secrets from anyone. But, there are rare times where it is the nature of the beast. Only for a few more weeks though, and I would have to break it to Neville. The entire situation made me sound insane. Because, the entire situation was very insane.

I didn't make these things up. I just dealt with them.

Gideon arrived and she looked a bit giddy.

"I've decoded Alice's message," Gideon said.

"Really?" I asked. "Because, Alice is a clone."

This caused Gideon to pause.

"Oh, that's…that's quite the twist," Gideon said. "Then this might be a trap."

"Maybe," I said. "What was she trying to tell Neville?"

"The one who wields the Green Flame Torch holds all of the power," Gideon said. "And will control the fate of magic."

Green Flame Torch? What was this? 2004?

To Be Continued.