Sirius couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he'd fallen for Remus.
Because, in a way , maybe he'd always been in love with him . Maybe since the first time they met, on the train .
He was alone in the compartment, bouncing his leg up and down anxiously .
he'd just escaped from a group of Slytherins who were trying to introduce him to some other Slytherins , or radicalise him before the sorting ,or teach him how to bully people- or something like that.
It was still early - to his luck he'd managed to leave his parents behind on the platform - and there were barely any kids on the train yet .
But then the door slid open slowly and the first thing he saw was a head full of honey brown curls.
Or maybe he fell a few weeks after that . It was a warm September night and he'd gotten another letter from my parents that morning.
They weren't happy he was in Gryffindor . He got a lot of letters , a few Howlers too , cursing him and sometimes saying things that sounded like threats.
Sirius knew his mother was capable of hurting him ,she'd done it once or twice . He'd just thought it was a one time thing but now he wasn't so sure . He sort of wished he was sorted into Slytherin . He was terrified of what his mother might do because she sounded so angry , so disappointed .
That September night he was tossing in his sleep . He could hear his mother shouting at him . He could feel her hitting him .
And then there came a gentle voice .
''Sirius .Sirius wake up ,"
His eyes snapped open and he jumped away from the hand.
Remus was standing over him , his features soft in the moonlight .There was concern glimmering in his turquoise eyes as he scanned Sirius' face .
"Re-Remus," Sirius choked out .
He was ready for the boy to laugh at him or make fun of him but instead.
"Are you okay ," He asked .
Sirius blinked "It - It was a nightmare."
"I know ." Remus said "I get them too . Do you want me to stay with you ?"
"Ye -Yes . Yes ,Please"
Remus smiled at him softly and something fluttery appeared in his stomach . Something he didn't understand back then.
Or maybe he fell in second year when he'd got that letter that caused a panic attack . Maybe it was on that Saturday morning after they'd done the prank and he was happy . So happy that he thought nothing could ruin his mood, not even a letter from his parents . So he'd opened it in the Great hall .
But then phrases like "blood traitor" and "filthy half-blood " flooded his mind along with a sentence .
"When you get home for christmas we'll make sure to knock that nonsense out of your head".
Sirius felt the world had stopped and was pressing into him from every direction .His heart was beating so hard , his chest hurt and his head was pounding .
Was he dying?
Absently , he dropped the letter on the table and ran out of the great hall .He couldn't hear his friends calling him .He managed to get to a deserted corridor and collapsed onto the floor .His back pressed against the cold stone wall, he began to shake .
He squeezed his eyes shut , tears dripping out .He wanted to scream , he wanted to run he wanted it to stop . The ringing in his ears , the pounding in his chest and the fact that he felt like he was falling apart .
"Si?"
The voice was familiar but he started anyway . His eyes snapped open and it took a few seconds for them to get back into focus so he could see the boy kneeling beside turquoise eyes , honey brown curls falling over his forehead and face full of freckles .
"Hey , It's okay " Remus said softly "You're having a panic attack"
Sirius wanted to say something but he couldn't manage a single word like there was a rope around his throat .
"Can I touch you? " Remus asked softly .
Sirius nodded , and then slowly he felt Remus' fingers on his own .He looked down and saw Remus gently pulling his hand towards his body .
Remus lifted his shirt and pressed his hand against it . Sirius felt the scars on his skin - both old and new .But more importantly he felt his heartbeat , the steady rise and fall of his chest .
"Breathe with me ,okay? "Remus said and Sirius lifted his eyes to meet his.
"In and Out "
Sirius didn't know the exact moment he'd fallen for Remus , but he knew one thing Sirius had always loved Remus and he'd always known it .
