"No."
"Oh come on, I'm pretty sure she's not that bad."
*Munch.*
"No."
"Believe me I know people way worse than her."
*Munch, munch.*
"That doesn't seem possible."
"That's because you never met Pam or Carol."
"I thought her name was Cheryl?" Megumin asked between bites.
Archer and Kazuma sat at the bar of the guild discussing the matter of their most recent acquaintance. The other night while the girls were still cleaning off after the toad incident and Archer was chatting with some of the guild staff Kazuma was approached by a young woman named Darkness. Megumin was also sitting with them while eating lunch provided by the staff. For free of course thanks to Archer coaching her how to guilt trip in the few days since she joined.
"Who cares? The point is from what you told me this girl has an advanced job and wants to join. And she could have useful skills."
"The point is that we have enough crazy girls in our party and thanks to that we still can't get out of that damn stable."
"Okay fine. I'll concede the shittyness of the stable. But if you didn't puss out when ever we try for a high level jobs we'd have cash for a better place."
"How can we?! We have to give up any decent reward thanks to their screwups!" Megumin let out and indignant 'Hey!'
"And I'm saying that maybe bringing in the new girl might reduce the number of aforementioned fuckups. And for the record we don't HAVE to give up the reward." Archer finished his point by drinking more of his beer.
"But I have this feeling in my gut. I'm almost positive that Darkness is going to be the same as them!" Archer just shrugged and went back to drinking. They sat in silence for about a minute before footsteps approached the bar. The spy turned and raised both eyebrows when he recognized the description kazuma gave him. Mostly that she was blonde and wore fancy armor and had huge boobs.
"Excuses me sir Kazuma. I was wondering if you had reconsidered my offer to join your party?"
"NO." The rejection had an immediate effect on the blonde. Her face turned red, she wiggled in place and let out an audible gasp. Kazuma's face gave a deadpanned expression having seen it before. Archer just chuckled at the perfect opportunity for laughs.
"Hey Kazuma, you sure that feeling she gave you wasn't something else? And it wasn't in your gut, but your penis?" Those questions snapped all of them to the spy. Megumin nearly spat her food out, hands clamped over her mouth holding in laughs threatening to break free before she swallowed loudly. Meanwhile Kazuma fell out of his barstool and Darkness while stopped wiggling her face burned more.
"SHUT UP! LIKE YOU'RE ONE TO TALK YOU DAMN HORNDOG!" Kazuma, red-faced, shouted jabbing his finger accusingly at the laughing Archer.
"I'd say that was uncalled for if it wasn't fair." Archer had in fact proven his ability to get laid had not diminished just because he was in a medieval dnd setting. And thanks to his lack of care as to where he does it everyone in Axel knew as well. He had only been in town for a relatively short time but he already had relations a number of civilian women, female adventurers, and guild staff. Nobody who saw, heard and/or walked in would name names other than Archer. Mostly because he doesn't give a shit.
"So, this man is the deviant that has been tromping through the streets of Axel. And you yourself are his protégé on your way to be just as dastardly as him! A crusader such as myself can not let you roam freely! I insist on letting me join your party!" Darkness panted with her face red and smiling eagerly. They drew a bit of attention from the adventurers and staff. Some of whom had sex with the spy so they pretended not to see anything while still eavesdropping.
"Couple things. Number 1: Kazuma may be something of an apprentice but he is a total virgin in addition to being a wimp."
"HEY!" Kazuma shouted embarrassed. Some of the spectators suppressed their giggles.
"Oh shut up. I tried to take you out on the town to get you laid but you chickened out before we got out the door.." Archer turned back to Darkness. The news made the surrounding eavesdroppers snicker a little.
"Number 2: If you want to join I won't stop you. But you'll probably want to get our other members on board to out vote Kazuma."
"Damn it!" Kazuma had no chance now.
"And number 3: I don't know what you heard, but they're all consenting adults." He wants that point to be very clear.
"Even so! I feel that my purpose is with your party please let me join!" She practically demanded her face a little less red but still eager.
"Hey now, Darkness your being way too forward." A new voice cut into the conversation. A young silver haired girl dressed in light revealing adventuring clothing walked up to the group. She looked around Kazuma's age, thin, and had a scar across her cheek.
"Sorry about my friend. She gets too excited at times. I will say that you guys are hilarious. Name's Chris." The girl introduced herself to the party.
"Hey." Archer waved slightly before going back to his crimson demon beer.
"Anyway I heard you saying that you two might be looking to learn some skills." Chis said with a hand on her hip.
"For the love of god your job better be thief." Archer said almost demandingly.
Chris smiled. "Yep! And I'd be happy to show you both some skills in exchange for a drink."
"Hey! Luna! We need a few more over here!"
Aqua and Megumin hung back at the guild while Chris taught the Kazuma and mister Archer her skills. Reason being that Megumin was still eating and Aqua was wowing the guild patrons and staff with her party tricks. She got herself tips and snacks for her performance. Afterwards they sat down at a table by the entrance to relax until they returned.
After about half an hour the doors swung open to a laughing Archer while the youths following behind didn't seem to be quite in the laughing mood. Everyone went back to eavesdropping mode, suspecting something juicy.
"So." Megumin glanced at the three before looking back at Archer. "How did learning her thief skills go?"
"Well, I got learn a good chunk of the skills she had. Which she demonstrated on Darkness over there, so we were off to a pretty great start." The crusader pouted brushing pebbles out of her hair.
"Anyway it ended with her showing us the 'Steal' skill." And Archer started to laugh once more. Much to the trio's growing embarrassment.
"Can we not/Can we not?" Chris and Kazuma asked in sync. Now that Aqua and Megumin looked closely both their faces are decently red.
"So she showed it off by swiping Kazuma's wallet." The spy continued ignoring both of them. "So she challenged him to a showdown to steal it back. Ha, only she forgot to mention the skill is semi-random. A-and he stole something else."
Please Stop/Pleas stop!" The two were begging.
"He stole her freaking panties!" Archer started laughing again. "Then they started to freak and I reminded them it was showdown. So she just had to steal them back, Ha Ha!"
The guild stopped pretending and laughed with the spy. Aqua and Megumin doing their best to hold it in. Not very well though.
"And then it just snowballed from there! Both of them nearly buck-ass naked standing there holding each others shit!" Archer finished nearly doubling over from recounting the tail.
"We get it!" Kazuma shouted over the laughter.
"Oh man! It was great, you two should have been there." Archer wiped a tear from his eye.
And so they settled down and went over their new situation. Darkness won over Aqua and Megumin to nobodies surprise and they had a total of five members. Chris went off to join some dungeon expeditions to make her money back. Having challenged mister Archer before Kazuma, only he did successfully steal her money pouch.
The next day had them dealing with what the two earthborn thought was utterly batshit when they saw the flying cabbages. Riddiculous or not, the two of them made out with about a million eris each in rewards thanks to the thief skills Chris taught them. Despite the tomfoolery he initiated Kazuma asked if she wanted to join their party. But she declined saying she had other stuff going on. They continued as a party of five after introducing Darkness to their routines. Mainly Megumin's daily explosion.
At some point they used their rewards to upgrade their gear, with the exception of Aqua. Kazuma looked like a proper adventurer and Archer had opted to stick to his espionage roots and commissioned a few different sets of clothing for different situations. For now he was sticking to the clothing he wore inside the Antarctic base since the clothes would take time and will be damned if he keeps them in a stable. Besides winter was coming and his warm clothing turned out to be pretty useful. Their first mission had them meeting a surprisingly friendly and incredibly stacked lich .
Aqua being Aqua took over the grave duties out of pride and her own sense of superiority. Some days later the party received a quest from the guild to rid a mansion of spirits. A huge bonus was they got ownership of the mansion afterwards. The five of them found themselves in front of the manor. It was decently fancy for its fantasy setting and so far no complaints from anyone.
"So the place was pretty much cleaned out. We just got move our stuff and Aqua has to clear out the spirits." Kazuma informed the party.
"Just leave it to me!" Aqua proclaimed with a thumbs up.
"Dibs on master bedroom." Archer called walking past the gates.
"Damn it/Damn it!" Kazuma and Aqua cursed. They forgot to call dibs!
The next morning Archer got up from his king sized bed and joined the rest of them in the kitchen for some breakfast. But for some strange reason he woke up surrounded by dolls. He shrugged it off and left the master bedroom.
Turns out fridges are a work in progress but coolers are fairly easy to come by. Not super modern by any means but it was basically the same thing. Just chop up some ice and food stays fresh.
"Morning." Archer yawned and began to pull ingredients out of said cooler to make himself food. He had meant it when he said he was done with servants after Alistair. Meaning he had to do things himself. He knows how to make eggs Woodhouse by heart anyway, even without the cooking skill he got.
They all looked at him in surprise. "What's with you guys?"
"Did you not hear anything last night?!" Kazuma asked.
"No. Why?"
"The spirits were all over the place! Damn possessed dolls flew at me and Megumin from across the entire mansion." Kazuma explained to the spy.
"I'm guessing Aqua screwed up somehow." Archer said setting his plate down and started eating.
"I did not!" Said Aqua with her mouth full of her own food.
"Are you positive about that?" Archer asked drinking out of a new flask.
"Ah." Now Kazuma understood how Archer slept through the night.
"Well who cares. House is clear of ghosts, so now we just have to report it to get the deed and the cash for the quest."
"Fine. But you're coming with us to put your name on it too." Kazuma demanded.
"Deal."
They finished up and went to report to the guild. They asked Luna what the deal was with all the spirits and the answer they got was about what Archer expected. Aqua got lazy about her graveyard duty and just up and put a holy barrier around the entire thing and forgot about. As a result the spirits swarmed to the mansion in droves without their home.
She had to undo the barrier and Kazuma refused the cash part of the quest reward despite Archer telling him not to.
Canon omake
"Step aside Kazuma!" Aqua shouted at the towel clad adventurer. While shielded a petite lingerie clad succubus from the three girls. She and Megumin in their pajamas while Darkness also had a towel wrapped around her body.
'Damnit this is not good! I can't let them harm Lolisa, but I can't explain about the café! I'd get banned for life' Kazuma thought with cold sweat. Everything had gone so wrong. What he thought was the dream service was actually Darkness and him in the bath. And then the succubus he hired got lost on the way to his room and was discovered by aqua.
A chase ensued and nearly all of them stood in the hallway.
"Mind controlled or not it's still Kazuma! We can restrain him and the demon will be ours!" The goddess called out to her comrades.
'Screw it! I'll definitely lose but I have to stall them so she can escape!' He steeled his resolve ready to face the coming storm.
Aqua charged forward with a battle cry.
And was smacked in the face by a door being swung open.
"GOD DAMNIT!" A shout of anger halted all their movements. Except Aqua who flew onto her back unconscious. A bright red mark forming on her forehead while her leg twitched.
It was at that moment that the youths realized exactly where the chase had stopped. Right in front of the master bedroom. There stood mister Archer angrily holding the door that knocked Aqua out. Only unlike Kazuma or Darkness he was completely naked. The only thing blocking the view of his genitals from the rest of them was the champagne bottle clenched in his other fist. When all of them looked in the door they saw that another blonde they knew from the guild was holding a blanket up to her chest to cover herself.
"WHAT, the HELL, Is your PROBLEM?!"
Darkness and Megumin shielded their eyes stuttering out responses and failing, feeling too shocked and awkward to speak properly when they realized what he was doing compared to Kazuma. The newbie succubus shifted uncomfortably unable to speak. She wasn't at that level like the head of the café who saw real action.
"Uh-" Kazuma was in the process of coming up with an excuse before he was cut off.
"You know what, I don't want to know! Just get Aqua to her room and go to bed!" He commanded. Megumin and Darkness scooped her up and bolted to her room. Evidently eager to leave the scene as quickly as possible regardless of the succubus being in their house. When they were out of sight Archer looked back at Kazuma who looked more nervous somehow. He turned his gaze to the succubus before turning back to the Japanese teen. His look changed to one of approval.
"Nice." He said with a nod.
"Huh?" the two of them uttered.
"Seriously, good job Kazuma." Archer patted him on the shoulder before walking back into the room.
Just the before the door closed Kazuma and Lolisa saw Luna from the guild give the two of them the tiniest smirk and a thumbs up before the door shut and locked. Both faces burned hotly, realizing that the lack of context gave off entirely different implications. Made even more embarrassing by the fact both of them are completely inexperienced virgins.
And that's about it. hopefully you enjoyed the chapter. Please leave a review and check out my other fics if you got the time.
