I've repressed the memories for so long.

Mei stood up from the table that she'd been pushed onto. I know what that look on her face was. I remember what it was like, trying to let go of what I knew I couldn't have, bottling up my longing. Then, when I saw it ripped away from me, I couldn't take it anymore. And I broke.


Five Years Ago

Mei clutched her test sheet to her chest as she ran up to her house. Her feet were aching, and she was breathing painfully heavily, but she didn't care. She couldn't wait to show him.

She burst through the door. "Daddy!" she called out.

Mei felt her foot get caught on something and she lunged forward. Her test flew out of her hands, and she hit the floor, her forearms scraping against the wood.

"Mei!" called a voice that sounded like dad's.

Mei bit her lip to push down the pain from her stinging arms. That didn't matter right now. She snatched her test and pushed herself up. Mei beamed up at her dad, outstretching her arms with the test. "I got…" Mei said through her heavy pained breaths. "A hundred… percent…!"

Dad kneeled in front of her, their eyes level. "Honey," he said, tying her shoe. "I know you're excited, but you still have to take care of yourself!"

Mei teetered from side to side, not able to contain herself. "But, daddy! I did it! I did it! They said it was too hard to get a perfect score, but I did it! You're always saying, 'follow your dreams!' so I did!" Dad finished tying her shoe and returned her smile. He put his hand on her head and ruffled it.

"I'm proud of you, honey," he said. Mei's face stretched with an uncontrollable smile. "Let's get you cleaned up. And I'll put this on the fridge."

"Yay!" Mei cheered.


"I don't understa–" Mei's voice broke. This didn't make any sense. Nothing dad was saying made any sense.

Mei stood in front of her dad who was standing in the doorway. He knelt down and ruffled her hair. She almost smiled.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I wish I could make you understand. But your dad's not as strong as he thought he was. The thing is, I have my own dreams that I need to follow."

Mei was numb. "When are you coming back?" she asked.

He looked to the side. "I'm not sure yet. But I promise you'll be okay. Grandpa will take good care of you until then."

Mei opened her mouth, then closed it. Who was she to try to stop him? "Goodbye," she said. She stared at her feet, unable to lift her head.

"Follow your dreams, Mei," he said. She listened to the sound of his steps, then the creak of the door, then the earie silence after it closed. Mei's head snapped up and she stared at where dad was supposed to be.

She was so confused. What was she supposed to do?

"Mei-Mei?" said a hesitant voice behind her. Oh, yeah. She'd almost forgotten that Hime was visiting.

Mei started walking toward her room. Hime walked at her side.

"Do you want me to help you pack?" Hime asked.

"I'm not moving to grandpa's. Daddy's coming back."

Hime stayed silent. They reached Mei's bedroom.

"You can go home now, Hime. I want to be alone right now."

Hime hesitated. "Okay," she said. "But know that you can call me back whenever you want. Okay?"

"Yes," Mei said. Then she stepped into her room and shut the door.

For a half hour, she sat on the bed by her window, staring intently at the distance. It started raining lightly. Each minute, the rain grew heavier. It's okay. Daddy said I'll be okay.

He's going to come back, so I'll be okay. Mei's heart grew heavy.

I had to let him go. He wanted to go. Her throat dried.

He'll come back. Her eyes burned.

He'll… She saw the plane rising in the distance through the thick rain. Come back!

Mei stumbled off her bed. Her elbow ached from hitting the floor. She bolted up and swung the door open, sprinting through her house. She ripped the front door open and ran out into the rain. Her foot caught on the pavement, and she fell to the ground, her arms scraping painfully against the wet pavement.

She sat up and wailed over and over through her scratched throat, her arms bleeding.

The rain melded with her unceasing tears and washed away her blood.

After several minutes, she stood up straight and let her aching turn to numbness.

I'll make you proud when you come back.


Today

Mei clutched her heart. It was suffocating under her terror.

"Yuzu…"


Mei slid her shoes off and stepped into the apartment. Mother was making dinner, humming to herself gleefully.

"Welcome home!" mother called when she noticed her.

"Hello," Mei replied. She opened the door to her bedroom. No one was inside. She stared at the window. The rain was really starting to pick up. "Where's Yuzu?"

"She said she'd be having a sleepover with Ms. Taniguchi!"

She was disappointed and relieved at the same time. She knew she had to make it clear to Yuzu that they wouldn't be what she wanted. However, she had no idea how to do that and didn't want to make things worse. She had obviously been handling this situation poorly since the beginning. She had just done what made sense to her, what worked. If Yuzu just put an ounce of effort into the actual important things, none of this would have happened.

Later that evening, Mei sat down with mother for dinner.

"That Taniguchi girl is turning out to be really great friend for Yuzu," mother said while chewing on her food. "I'm relieved. Yuzu can be a lot to handle, so most of her friends came and went when she was growing up."

Mei swallowed her rice. "She shouldn't be slacking so much on a weekday."

"Ah, don't worry too much about that. She might procrastinate way too much, but at least she'll get everything done in the end. How else is she gonna keep her allowance to go shopping with Ms. Taniguchi? Have you two talked about going out together sometime?"

Yuzu's probably thought about it a lot. "I'm especially busy as the student council president. Yuzu is always behind on something, so I'd rather she'd do something important."

The two ate in silence for a few minutes.

"Yanno, Mei," Mother said as if trying to approach a hound. "Relaxing and having fun is important too. Sure, Yuzu takes it to an unhealthy extreme sometimes, but still."

"I relax by reading and writing. It does help a lot. I'd rather not do it by going out with someone like Yuzu. She'd probably say we'll be back by six, then drag me from place to place until it's nine. It's hard enough having her making noise in the room when I'm trying to study."

Mother sighed with a smile. "Yeah, yeah, she's definitely annoying. But annoying in a way I cherish." She closed her eyes as if remembering something.

Mei stirred her soup. In the time Mei had known Yuzu, there were these weird moments. Moments when Yuzu pried too hard or got too talkative. It was painfully irritating, like a splinter. But something about it sometimes invoked… relief? She didn't know.

Her curiosity took her. "Why cherish it?" Mei asked.

"It's a bit personal," Mother said hesitantly but then smiled wide. "But we are family now, after all! Yuzu was always such a ball of energy, especially as a little toddler. Before her dad left us, there was a game I would play with Yuzu all the time. Let's just sum up the rules by just saying that there was a lot of running and jumping and messy furniture by the end. Had to spend that fireball's energy somehow. After her dad left, I was a complete mess. I didn't want to do anything. It felt like all the purpose in my life had gone away. I didn't know how to move on."

Mei's body tensed. She ate her food faster.

"Then annoying little Yuzu comes to me and begs over and over for me to play the game with her. I felt like a horrible mother at the time, letting my own grief keep me away from good parenting. And even worse, I remember feeling so annoyed and irritated that Yuzu would never leave me alone. But eventually, I gave in. For the whole week, we'd play the game for hours at time. I'd never seen Yuzu so persistent. One day, Yuzu asked, 'How come you don't enjoy your favorite game anymore, mommy?' I realized that she wasn't begging me to play with her every day because she wanted to have her own fun. The entire time, she just wanted to make me happy. And in her three-year-old head, she thought I came up with that game in the first place just because I liked it. Yuzu's so annoying because she's always thinking about other people's happiness, and nothing will stop her from pulling that out of you, even in your darkest moments. I'm so grateful to have her."

Mei thought back to when Yuzu visited her at her grandfather's house. Yuzu pried into her personal life. It was none of her business. Mei was pushed to the point of lashing out. However, Yuzu spelled out what she'd been trying to show and what Mei was blinded to. 'I care about you!' At the time, Mei was screaming 'why?' in her head, but in the end, those words made Mei wish for a sister, so she ran out to Yuzu on the street and told her that she'd come back home. Yes, Yuzu was special. That was the problem.

Yuzu got greedy. Being sisters clearly wasn't enough for her. Yuzu's kiss was frantic, pushing on Mei's lips desperately. Mei had to put a stop to this for their own good.


"President," the vice-president, Himeko, begged. "Please let me take care of it. You're already busy enough and it was my job in the first place."

Mei opened the door to the gymnasium and Himeko followed her inside. "Just go home early. I want to kill two birds with one stone. Yuzu is avoiding me, and I need to talk to her."

Himeko slammed her fists down. "Why waste your time with that blonde bimbo? What's been going on between you two anyways? You've seemed kind of off ever since you met her."

Have I? The two were standing at the back of the gym. The girls on the field were playing basketball. Mei spotted Yuzu instantly because of her blonde hair. Yuzu also folded her shorts up to make them shorter.

"She's been trying to distract me from my responsibilities. I have to stop that and not just for my sake. As her sister, I have to help her focus on her own responsibilities and get her mind off frivolities."

Himeko crossed her arms. "There you go again, taking on more burdens. First, it was your father's, now your sister's–" Mei shot a glare at Himeko causing her to hang her head down.

Mei clutched her hands into fists. "This is… the only thing I can think to do."

"Mei-Mei," Himeko said, her voice pleading. "Is the only reason you've been doing all this your father?"

You ask as if that's a problem. "I want to do it for my father."

"But does it make you happy?"

"When my father returns and takes over, seeing how much I've improved the school for him, I'll be happy."

"But–"

"You can go home early, Momokino."

Himeko hesitated for a few seconds and then turned and left. Himeko always wanted to talk to Mei to support her, but unlike Yuzu, she respected Mei's privacy when she asked for it. For some reason, that comparison made her heart feel heavy.

The basketball match was ending, the students walking into the changing rooms. Yuzu lingered behind, still wanting to shoot a couple hoops. Mei strolled up right behind her. Yuzu bent down to shoot the ball.

"When are you coming home?" Mei asked.

Yuzu slipped and fell backwards, Mei stepping out of the way to let Yuzu hit the ground. Yuzu stared up at her, her jaw hanging and eyes bulging.

"Are you just going to hide away forever?" Mei asked, crossing her arms. Yuzu turned her head to the side, her face bright red. "I know you're not studying at Taniguchi's place. Just suck up your embarrassment. You need my help, or you won't make it to next semester."

Yuzu stood up, facing away from Mei. "Actually," Yuzu said. "I have been studying there. Pretty well, in fact." Mei cocked her head. "I wouldn't be able to focus with you. Not after… yanno."

She opened her mouth to tell her to come back but closed it. This was good. Yuzu was putting her studies above being around Mei. But…

"Even if I'm not helping you study," Mei said. "You still have to come home. You have to face this." Why am I insisting?

Yuzu's shoulders hunched. "You're not mad at me?"

Mei closed her eyes. "It was my fault for pushing you."

Silence.

"I'll see you tonight, then," Yuzu said and brushed past Mei to the changing room.

Mei let out a held breath. Yuzu was coming back.


Mei pushed her eyelids up; they felt like iron weights. She'd only been getting five hours of sleep each night recently. Just push through it. She glanced at the clock. Yuzu must have stopped somewhere on the way home. That girl never learned. Mei lifted her pen to continue writing. Her fingers ached when they gripped it.

The creaking of the apartment door sounded in the distance. That'll be Yuzu.

"Hey, Mei?" said Yuzu's muffled voice as she approached the bedroom door. "A letter came in!" Mei shuddered. "From your dad! I wonder what he's up to."

Mei pushed her chair to the floor and tore the door open. "Don't open it!" Mei squealed and snatched the letter right out of Yuzu's hands. Yuzu stepped back, her arms huddled in front of her.

"I wasn't going to! I just–" Yuzu looked like a puppy who'd just been yelled at.

Mei's nerves calmed now that the letter was in her hands. She sighed. "I'm sorry." Mei returned to her desk, Yuzu following hesitantly behind her. Mei opened her bottom drawer and tossed the letter in with the rest of them.

After a few seconds, behind her, Yuzu said, "Are all of those from your dad?" There it is.

"Yes." Mei sat down and looked at her papers. Her vision was blurring. Her head was light from standing up and sitting down so fast. She sat back and rested her head, closing her eyes.

"Do you not open any of them? Don't you wanna know what he's been up to? He's travelling the world, so he's probably done and seen so many cool things. And he still makes sure to share it with you. He must care about you a lot."

That's one way of looking at it. Mei stayed silent.

"What kind of person is papa?" Yuzu piped up after a few minutes.

Mei's memories flashed through her mind. That time felt like a distant dream. Or rather, it felt like the memories of someone else. Yuzu wasn't going to stop prying and Mei wasn't going to tease her anymore. She'd better just lead her along enough to satisfy her. "He was the most respectable, hard-working, dedicated person I'd ever known."

"Was?"

Mei hadn't even noticed that she worded it like that. "I can't presume to know someone I haven't seen in five years."

"Then why don't you read the letters?"

I'm afraid. Mei bit her lip. She'd avoiding thinking about this for so long, and now Yuzu had to go and force her to. She'd lived in the comfortable assumption that her dad hadn't changed one bit. She'd never admitted it to herself before now, but she couldn't open those letters because it could prove that he'd betrayed himself. If she didn't open them, the was a chance that her idol still existed.

"Sorry," Yuzu said. "I won't ask about your dad if you don't want." Mei opened her eyes. This was new. "I talked to Momokino today. That's why I was a bit late."

Mei leaned toward her papers. Her vision was still too blurry to work. Damn it. I can't afford this.

"Yeah, at first I thought she was really annoying." Says a lot coming from you. "She kept implying that I was putting too much pressure and burdens on you. I eventually gave up arguing 'cause… well, I guess she's right.

Yuzu's voice sounded muffled. Mei could barely hear her.

"Mei?" Mei's eyelids gave way to the weight.

Huh? Mei looked up and saw Yuzu's face. Mei was on the floor, and Yuzu was holding her up, one arm wrapped around her shoulders, the other around her waist. Yuzu's face was red and her arms were shaking. her embrace wasn't completely uncomfortable. Mei let her head go limp against Yuzu's chest. Just a quick nap. Then back to work.


Mei rubbed her eyes and squinted. Yuzu was sitting in front of her on her side of the bed, her arms wrapped around her legs. She was staring straight ahead and unnaturally still. She'd obviously been watching Mei while she slept.

Mei removed the covers she'd been tightly wrapped in. "Don't wrap me like a spring roll next time. I'm going to die of heatstroke."

"Uh! Sure! Noted!"

Mei lifted herself and stood up off the bed. Her head went light for five seconds, her vision black the whole time.

"What are you doing?" Yuzu asked. "You're not working this late!"

"I shouldn't have taken a nap. I have to make up for it."

"Surely it can wait until tomorrow! Mei, you passed out! You need to take it easy!"

I'm just trying to do what's right! Why is everyone trying to stop me? Mei stepped toward her desk, but something tugged at her arm. She looked down and saw Yuzu holding her wrist with both hands.

"As… as your big sister, I'm ordering you to take it easy!" Yuzu pulled on Mei's arm. The memory of showing her dad the hundred percent she got on the test flashed through her head. 'You still have to take care of yourself!'

Shut up!

Mei yanked her arm out of Yuzu's grip, but Yuzu resisted, causing Yuzu to get pulled into Mei, and the both tumbled onto the floor. Yuzu pulled herself up but didn't get off. Mei scowled.

That's enough! "Stop pretending to be worried about my health! We both know you don't want to be my sister! All you want is to take me away from my duties to my father and the school so that I can be a pretty little thing for you to have all to yourself!" Yuzu lifted herself off the floor and sat back on the bed, looking away from Mei. Mei pushed herself up. "The day my father left, I wanted so badly to get him back. Because I was a selfish stupid kid. But there, in the rain, I decided to accept it and wait for him. I'd take all the burdens the school gave me until he returned because that was the right thing to do for him, no matter how much it hurt me! When are you going to take any responsibility instead of chasing pointless dreams?" 'Follow your dreams, Mei.'

Mei was breathing heavily. How do you do that, Yuzu? Pulling out my heart so easily?

Yuzu crawled to her side of the bed and laid down, hugging her pillow. "You must love your dad a lot…" she said through a scratchy voice. "But there should be someone to love you too."

Mei leaned her back against the bed and stared up at the night sky. Thunder clouds were coming in. She tried to steady her breathing. I don't need anyone to love me. It wasn't even a consideration. She'd accepted the aching in her heart a long time ago.

She couldn't bring herself to get on the bed, not next to Yuzu. She didn't have the right to get closer to someone she kept hurting.