Yuzu clutched her coffee. No matter how much she drank, she couldn't get warm. She'd been looking forward to Christmas break, but now she just found herself frustrated at the cold.
"I don't get what the big deal is," Matsuri said, across from Yuzu in the coffee shop. "Being ranked thirty-eighth is still amazing. Is she really so egotistical that she won't be satisfied with anything other than first?"
Yuzu bit her lip. Mei was down from dropping so far but had been acting like she just accepted it, like she couldn't expect anything better from herself. Yuzu nearly wanted to slap her into caring more about this, but she couldn't bring herself to do anything because this situation was her own fault. She was strongly considering Momokino's advice that she should back off from Mei for a while.
"It's what I love about Mei," Yuzu replied. "She wasn't someone who settled. I don't want to see her settling. She didn't let the weight of responsibility crush her; it rose her up. It was beautiful."
Matsuri's eyes drooped. "Since when did Yuzu find 'responsibility' so beautiful? You used to be way more fun than this. Mei's realizing that she'd rather play around in the sheets with you than agonize over her stupid studies. You should be celebrating!"
Yuzu frowned. She was getting used to Matsuri's crude teasing, actually considering her advice. That made her even more uncomfortable. Matsuri making a good point felt dangerous.
"I did want her to stop being so hard on herself," Yuzu said. "I wanted her to see that there's more to life than her studies. But… this doesn't feel right. I don't want her to completely lose what makes her Mei, yanno? I didn't think getting closer would put her this off balance."
Matsuri sighed and then grinned. "Well, what did you expect? You're too damn innocent, Yuzu. You saved your damsel in her darkest hour and made her fall head over heels for you." Yuzu blushed. Matsuri was just exaggerating. There was no way Mei was that smitten. "And now you're toying with her."
Yuzu blinked. "Huh?"
Matsuri groaned as if it were absurd that she needed to clarify. "You're constantly making moves on her but half-assing all of them. How the hell is she supposed to concentrate on anything when you're getting her horny but not following through? It's really kinda cruel. If you just stopped being such a scaredy cat and gave her some satisfaction, then it'd be off her mind while she got back to work."
Yuzu was still cold, but her face flushed with warmth. She'd been doing everything she could to avoid thinking about these perverted things, but Matsuri just kept forcing her to. She was like a devil, trying to pull the darkness out of everyone to recruit more demons. But against all her better judgement, Yuzu considered her explanation.
In the photobooth, Yuzu realized that Mei was frustrated and disappointed with the way she kept getting flustered and scared. Mei wanted me to make a move. And then later, she said she liked the kiss. With the way Mei was acting lately, always waiting for Yuzu's next move with anticipation in her eyes, she wondered how far Mei actually wanted to go. Was she not doing enough? Maybe Matsuri was right. If Mei wanted to go further, then Yuzu's small steps would be painfully frustrating.
It was like she said to Momokino. To help Mei get back on track, she had to be there for Mei, not further away. Yuzu felt her hands start to shake from nerves. Her coffee wasn't warm anymore. I… I need to go for it. Then we'll both settle this confusion. Right?
Yuzu looked up at Matsuri and saw her grinning widely at her. It was kind of creepy, as if she read Yuzu's mind and heard her decision.
"Come on, Yuzu," Matsuri said with an inspirational tone. "Be brave and seal the deal. Make her yours!"
Every instinct in Yuzu was telling her to chastise Matsuri. She was frustrated with her for talking about this so lightly and frustrated with herself for considering it. But her explanation was making sense. Maybe Matsuri wasn't so mischievous and was just trying to help like she said.
"I'll think about it… later," Yuzu said. Matsuri smugly smiled at her. "Can we please just talk about something else right now? Something less perverted."
"Sure thing! You need to save your perverted energy for Mei anyways."
Yuzu frowned and blushed. This didn't feel right, but then again, everything was confusing lately.
Yuzu scowled at her reflection in the bathroom mirror while she blow-dried her hair. As always, she didn't feel like herself when she saw herself without make-up. She had brought her make-up, but now she felt stupid for considering it. Putting on make-up in the evening, when she'd just be staying home, would be plain weird. She doubted Mei was even someone who cared about that sort of thing. How about just a bit?
Yuzu tied her hair into a ponytail that she flung over her left shoulder. When she got started on applying a bit of eyeliner, she nearly poked herself in the eye upon seeing herself. A ponytail across the left shoulder was how Mei usually tied her hair most evenings. Yuzu didn't even realize while she was doing it. Mei was always so beautiful in the simplest ways.
Yuzu sighed and finished applying a very thin outline. Here she was, worrying so much about being pretty while Mei did it without even trying.
Yuzu left the bathroom and entered the bedroom. Mei was sitting on her side of the bed, writing in her diary. She'd never seen Mei sitting on the bed to do something instead of doing it at her desk.
Mei paused from her writing and turned to Yuzu. Her hair was in a ponytail over her shoulder. "Hello," she said. "How was your bath?"
"It was, um, refreshing. It's relieving to finally be in Christmas break, huh?"
"Yes," Mei replied and then looked to her diary but didn't continue writing. Yuzu smiled nervously. Mei wasn't the best at holding up a conversation. Yet, it made it even more adorable that she kept being the one who started them. She was trying.
Yuzu sat on her side of the bed, right next to Mei. Mei turned her diary away so that Yuzu wouldn't be able to read it. "I wouldn't peep on your diary," she said.
Mei pulled a lock of hair behind her ear and looked at Yuzu with condescending eyes. "Maybe you wouldn't be able to help it. You're always prying."
Yuzu scratched her cheek and smiled. "I mean, yeah, I guess. But a diary is sacred. I know you'll share something with me if you really want to." Yuzu was taken aback by her own words. When they first met, Mei was like a fortress, resisting Yuzu's every attempt to get her to open up. Now she just assumed that they were close enough to share secrets. "I– I just mean that I'm here to listen if there's ever something important you wanted to talk about, and you should know that."
Yuzu glanced at Mei. Mei was blushing. Blushing! Yuzu fidgeted with her ponytail. At least while they had school, they were occupied by studying. Sitting on the bed and just talking was even more awkward.
"I know," Mei finally replied. "Mother was right. You're annoying in a good way."
"Huh?" Yuzu blurted before she could stop herself. Mei and mama talked about me? Her heartbeat quickened. "Thank you… I think."
Mei went back to writing in her diary, still angling it so that Yuzu wouldn't be able to see. Annoying in a good way, huh? That's not at all how it's felt lately.
"I'm sorry about your ranking," Yuzu said.
Mei continued to write. "It's not your fault."
"It is." Mei's writing halted, and she turned to look at Yuzu. "I've been distracting you, haven't I? With this… thing… that's going on between us? Whatever it is." It felt stressful and relieving at the same time to finally talk about their weird relationship.
There were a few moments of aching silence. "You can't blame yourself. If I'm struggling, It's my responsibility before any one else's. Besides. I don't mind what's going on with us."
Yuzu felt a weight lift from her heart. She was still worried that she'd been making Mei's studies harder, but Mei accepting Yuzu's advances was so damn heartwarming.
Yuzu edged closer and Mei stared at her with wide eyes, those eyes that always looked so eager to find out what Yuzu was going to do. It made her even more confident.
"Your eyes look different," Mei whispered.
Yuzu smiled. Mei had noticed the effect of the eyeliner without noticing it. "Do you like how they look tonight?"
Mei broke eye contact. "They're as fine as always, I suppose."
Yuzu's smile deepened. That didn't make any sense, but she found it cute. She cupped Mei's cheek in her left hand and leaned her face in close to Mei, bringing their eye contact back. "I need to ask. Can you explain this to me so that even an idiot like me can understand?" Yuzu asked. "What is going on between us, Mei?"
"I–" Mei mumbled. "I don't know." She dropped her diary down to the floor.
Yuzu gulped and then leaned in close. "I need to find out," she whispered. Then she planted her lips on Mei and felt Mei lean into the kiss. Mei seemed to have just as much longing, if not more. Yuzu guided their motions and felt Mei grip her shirt, pulling her to come on top. Yuzu accepted the unspoken request and slid her hand down from Mei's cheek to her chest. Mei's heart was racing. Yuzu pulled back slightly and saw that Mei was blushing heavily.
Yuzu leaned down to Mei's neck and kissed her there. Mei lifted her head to give Yuzu better access. Then, she wrapped her arms around Yuzu's back. Yuzu kissed softly all across her neck while her hand felt across the softness of Mei's chest. Her whole body felt alight with burning desire. Mei moaned softly with everything Yuzu did. She wanted to hear that sound more. It was intoxicating.
Yuzu lifted from her neck and Mei gazed up at her. Her heart felt so light from someone looking at her with such wonder in her eyes. Mei was accepting all of Yuzu's advances. She wanted this.
"This… You want this, right?" Yuzu found herself asking. Why am I asking? I can already tell.
Mei looked down. Her hesitation broke Yuzu out of her lust and made her start to feel awkward. "I also want to know what we are," Mei said. She looked back up at Yuzu. Those eyes were awaiting her next move.
Yuzu's body felt stiff. She wanted badly to continue what she started, but for some reason, her body just wouldn't move. I can see that she wants this! Just keep going!
But as Yuzu stayed still, Mei just kept waiting, not making a single move of her own. She didn't answer 'yes' to Yuzu's question. Instead, she just told her that she was just as confused as her. They were both stumbling around in the dark.
What am I doing?
Yuzu pulled back from Mei and looked down. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I can't do this." She looked up at Mei. Mei was staring blankly. She looked utterly overwhelmed with confusion. Then her expression went blank, and she stood up from the bed, picking up her diary and sitting down at her desk.
Yuzu cursed herself for being so stupid, but she didn't even know where she went wrong. Was she an idiot for trying to take things so far in the first place or for stopping halfway through? That confusion made her even angrier at herself.
She turned to Mei. "Mei?" Yuzu asked. They were close, right? They could sort this out if they just talked about it. Mei didn't answer.
"Hey–?" Yuzu's throat tightened up. Mei just continued to write.
Yuzu bit her lip and held back the tears that started welling in her eyes. Who am I kidding? We aren't close at all. Not really.
Yuzu buried her face into the pillow and smacked her legs up and down repeatedly. Then, a foot pushed her on the side, and she was rolled over from her stomach to her back. She'd gripped the pillow and was still holding it tight to her face.
"Come on, little baby," Harumin said from above. "Last time I let you hide away at my place, I was patient enough to not pry into why you were a complete mess. But since this seems like it's gonna be recurring thing, just help me help you. What happened?"
Harumin tugged on the pillow and Yuzu let go. Yuzu turned onto her side and pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them. Harumin sat down next to her.
"Oh damn," Harumin said. "You're actually crying this time!"
"Why did you think I was hiding in the pillow?" Yuzu asked.
"Eh, I just figured you were making out with it, like a rebound love. Is that what's going on? Please don't tell me you already got dumped."
Yuzu sniffled. "I thought that's what you wanted. Yanno, so that some knight in shining armor doesn't take your best friend away."
Harumin groaned and threw her head back. "I'm not so callous that I'd want to see you get your heart broken. Now quit being all mopey and tell Mama Harumin what's going on."
Yuzu sluggishly sat up. "Well, you know how something's been going on between me and someone and that it's been kinda complicated?" She spoke slowly, picking her words carefully. There was no way she could really explain everything.
Harumin nodded repeatedly, clearly eager for Yuzu to get on with the rest.
"Well, I've been trying to get closer. It felt like it was going right for a while. But now I feel like we're further apart than we've ever been. I don't know, I think I tried something stupid. Or I was stupid for not doing it. I don't know! The point is that she's ignoring me now!"
Yuzu blushed and slapped her hand onto her mouth.
"She?" Harumin asked. Then, she laughed. "Oh, come on, Yuzu. No need to be embarrassed about that little detail."
Yuzu set her head down on her knees and wrapped her arms back around her legs. Of course, Harumin wouldn't think much of that. She already caught Yuzu buying a Yuri manga, and she was always so chill about everything.
Harumin lifted her head and put a finger to her chin. "Hm, I would say that you need to talk to her about it since you don't even know what you did wrong, but if she's ignoring you then… Man, this is a pain in the ass."
"I'm really sorry. I know you didn't want to talk about relationship stuff…"
Harumin scooted towards Yuzu and gently bonked her on the head with an outstretched hand.
"What was that for?" Yuzu asked.
"For being Stupid Yuzu. Yanno, your other half that's only worrying about other people and not doing her best to think through her problem to figure it out. Come on, I need your help here. I'm no good at love advice, so let's put our heads together."
Yuzu found herself smiling. Harumin was so sweet and straightforward. How could Yuzu not be at ease when with her? She cleared her throat and tried to calm her mind. "This all started because Matsuri convinced me to make a more… intimate… move," she said.
Harumin sighed. "You actually listened to that little demon? That was your first mistake. My poor Yuzu's been corrupted by perverted desires because of her."
"It made sense at the time! Besides, I could see in my… person's… eyes that she wanted me to make more moves!"
"So, what made you change your mind?"
Yuzu thought back on that moment. It was frustrating to do, reliving the awkward silences and hesitations. "I realized… that neither of us knew what we were doing. We don't understand each other at all. So how could we do something like that? I don't know. It just felt wrong."
Yuzu looked up at Harumin who was rubbing her chin in thought. "It sounds like," Harumin said, "you just need to figure each other's feelings out. Lay everything on the table, see where you stand with each other. Take a step back before you worry about getting closer."
Yuzu groaned. "I told you that she's been ignoring me since this happened yesterday! How can I figure out her feelings when she won't talk to me! This is so unfair! It's like I make one little mistake and it snowballs into more problems that make it impossible to fix the problem which causes even more problems and–" She ran out of breath in her sentence.
Harumin let out a light chuckle. Yuzu glared at her. "Sorry," Harumin said. "I don't mean to make light of how horribly tragic your situation is, but it reminds me of a cheesy drama. Or rather, it reminds me why I don't watch or read any anymore. It all seems so unnecessarily complicated. I hope I never fall for anyone if this is what it's like."
Yuzu raised an eyebrow. "You really don't want to find love?"
Harumin laughed. "I've got plenty of love. I love my best friend. I love my family, even if sis gets on my nerves. It's a way simpler kind of love, I think. I guess that's why we get along so well. I mean, think about it. There's no anxiety about each other's deep-rooted affections. There's no possessiveness or jealousy. We don't get spiteful or hold grudges. We can just hash things out like it's nothing. I've never been in a relationship, but it seems like the complicated emotions make it way harder to do that."
Yuzu bit her lip. "Then what am I supposed to do? I can't just get rid of those complicated emotions. I do care about her more than a friend."
"Well, plenty of people seem to make it work, somehow. Maybe it's just because the two of you are individually too complicated, so when you come together it's like a deadly explosive reaction."
Yuzu frowned. "That's a comforting picture."
"I highly doubt you're the complicated one–no offense but you're pretty easy to understand–so maybe she's just too emotionally messed up. That could be why you can't move things further without them getting all unstable."
Yuzu's heart grew heavy. She knew that Mei had been going through so much with her dad leaving, coming back to crush her hopes, then making up with her and setting things right. She'd gone through such a roller coaster of emotions. Even if Mei had wanted to get closer with Yuzu too, she was too emotionally lost and vulnerable to make any moves of her own. Then Yuzu had to go and push her too far while also pulling back, putting her through even more emotional whiplash.
Maybe what Mei and I are doing… whatever we are… just isn't what Mei needs?
Yuzu buried her face into her knees, feeling heavy and drained, but no tears came. This pain didn't feel like despair. It ate away at her feelings and thoughts, trying to make her numb.
Maybe Mei and I just aren't compatible.
