Mei set her pen down and lifted her arms, stretching out her body in well-earned relief. Squinting at the bright light coming in through the windows, she wondered what time it was. The sun seemed a bit too low. If she was late today…

Mei let down her arms and released a breath at reading four fifty-five on the clock. Not even five yet. This was the first time she'd finished her student council work early since her father's visit. Mei smiled to herself and closed her eyes. The warmth and brightness of the sun. The feeling of being able to relax after a day of hard effort. It was odd how such simple things felt so new, so satisfying.

The world wasn't what changed. It was her world that changed, her view of it. She still didn't know what she wanted, but she saw so much beauty all around that she never had before. How could she not find her passions when she found herself liking so many things? It was only a matter of time, and she was the one who'd make certain of that.

"Done already?" Himeko asked as Mei stood up from her chair.

Mei pushed her chair in and reached for her bag, lifting it up around her shoulder. "I'm sorry. Did you still need my help with something?" She'd nearly forgotten that Himeko was next to her. She was so focused on her work so that she could meet Yuzu for their date as soon as possible.

"No. I just–" Himeko looked back down at the table. "I'm glad to see you've gotten your focus back. I was really worried for a while there."

Mei's eyes drooped. "Yeah, me too." Actually, she was still worried. Her current focus wasn't built on a foundation of responsibility or of passion. It was built on her hope. And even though that was such a flimsy thing, she knew for certain that Yuzu loved something real and beautiful in her. So, she'd work hard every day and eventually find a meaning to her efforts. Hope was fragile but a strong motivator.

"Mei?"

Mei blinked. Oh, man. "Eh. My work ethic is on point, but I still need to put a lot of effort into not spacing out, it seems." Mei gave Himeko a light smile which Himeko returned.

Mei looked over to the door as Himeko packed up her things.

"Um, I was thinking," Himeko said. "Do you want to come over to my place tonight?"

Mei started. That was… complicated. She couldn't exactly explain that she had a date with Yuzu planned for tonight. If only she could just disappear to avoid this conversation. "Why?" Mei found herself asking. Himeko looked away with downcast eyes, and Mei felt a jab of regret. That was such a carelessly heartless thing to ask.

"I mean," Mei said hurriedly, "What did you want to do?"

"Oh," Himeko said, slowly collecting herself. "Nothing specific. It's just that we haven't hung out in… huh… I think since the amusement park. And! And seeing how much brighter you look these days reminded me of how you were when we were kids. We used to play together a lot in those days. I guess I just miss that."

I look brighter? Well, she did feel brighter, and apparently it was showing. But she wasn't the same as when she was a child. There was passion in that person. This version of her was bright because she was trying to find passion. That was why…

"I'm sorry. Not tonight, Himeko," Mei said. Yuzu, their relationship, their dates–that was the focal point of all her progress so far. She just had to prioritize that. "Some other time, maybe. I already had plans. I'm sorry."

Himeko laughed, which Mei felt was a little too forced to be genuine. "Ah, don't worry about it! It's no big deal at all! Plenty of other chances in the future. Oh, shoot! I just realized I forgot to do something." Himeko set her bag down on the table and rushed over to a filing cabinet, opening it up and rustling through the papers. "Have a great night, Mei! See you after the weekend!"

Mei squinted at Himeko's back and sighed. She should've gone over ask what was bothering her. Himeko was probably even worse at hiding her emotions than Yuzu. But… it probably wasn't actually a big deal. It was like she said–things were brighter these days. Why go looking for a problem?

"Goodnight, Hime," Mei said and hurried out the door to find her girlfriend.


Mei pushed through the door and caught sight of two figures standing by the school gate.

Yuzu stood in a relaxed lounging kind of way, her clothing casually worn as always, a bright smile practically painted on her face.

In front of Yuzu was Taniguchi. Yuzu's overly touchy best friend. She had a hand on her gut, laughing at something Yuzu said. Mei watched with an unblinking stare, just waiting for them to inevitably jump on each other like the idiots they were.

Mei shook her head. She shouldn't be so petty. They just acted how friends often did.

As Mei stepped forward, Yuzu noticed her and waved.

"How was Student Council today?" Yuzu asked as Mei stopped beside them.

"It's going well. I've been getting a lot done on time."

"Any progress on giving this fun-forsaken place a culture festival?"

"Good luck," Taniguchi said with a chuckle. "I think hell will freeze over first."

"You keep asking about that, Yuzu," Mei said. "But I still don't think I should even try. Not only would it be extremely difficult to get anyone to agree, but it's not even a good idea. Everyone here is busy. Including you two."

Yuzu huffed and pouted but quickly put a smile back on. "Aaanyways. It's still winter and I've got plenty of time to change your mind. On the other hand, I've got great news for right now!"

Taniguchi put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes.

"Yes?" Mei asked, incredulous.

"I invited Harumin to the pool with us! Now it's basically a party!"

Mei stared blankly, her brain feeling foggy. Great news. Huh. Interesting way to put it.

Their date, one they planned ever since Yuzu wrote in their diary that she wanted to go to a swimming pool with her, just suddenly evaporated. It was no longer about them. It was just a regular outing now. Mei met Yuzu's eyes, her obliviously excited eyes. Mei took hold of her facial expression with every fiber of her being and smiled lightly.

"It sounds even more fun now," she said softly, and Yuzu's beaming brightened even further.

"You've sure lightened up," Taniguchi said to Mei. "Yuzu told me that you actually enjoy going out and having fun now, but I never thought I'd see the day."

What could she say to that? She didn't want to say anything. She wanted to rewind this whole situation and walk outside again to find Yuzu by herself. She wanted her date back. It wasn't the "going out" that she'd been enjoying, it was all about a specific person.

"Everyone wants to have fun," Mei's façade said. Express positivity. Keep everything okay. Don't make them worry. "I've been really looking forward to it after a hard day of work. Let's have a blast."

Whatever her face looked like to them, however she sounded, it worked. Yuzu and Taniguchi started chatting about something, not a single crack in the positive energy. It was one ruined date; she could accept that. And it obviously didn't matter to Yuzu. The least she could do now was not bring everyone down with her.

Mei glanced at Yuzu. Even with her frustration freshly cold on her mind, Yuzu's smiling beauty still sparked a flicker of warmth in her. Yuzu… was just an idiot. In her mind, bringing along a friend would be an innocent good idea. Mei wasn't mad at her, she was just… mad.

The three started walking off when Mei heard a familiar voice calling out behind them. They all turned around to see Himeko coming up to them. "Hey, Mei! I didn't think you'd still be here," she said.

"Oh, this is great!" Yuzu cheered. "You should come along too, Momokino!"

Mei hunched up, her heart pounding in embarrassment. 'I already had plans.' Time seemed to stretch, a few seconds feeling agonizingly long as Mei dreaded in the realization that Himeko would now assume the Mei was excluding her from a normal outing. The frustration she'd buried, boiled over. Yuzu meant well, but…

Mei could feel the pain that she saw on Himeko's face. A brief furrowing of her brow, downturn of her lips, creasing around her eyes, all of which fading into a fake smile to cover it up. When was the last time Mei and her best friend shared genuine smiles? An eternity ago. Oh, gods, why was this happening right now?

Yuzu and Taniguchi briefly explained that they were going to a swimming pool, and Himeko happily agreed to go along. The four took off, Yuzu and Taniguchi ahead, Mei and Himeko behind. Voices chatted in the front while silence lingered in the back.

There was no way to fix this. Her love was a secret, something she couldn't, didn't want, to talk to anyone else about. So, Himeko would go on assuming she'd been set aside. Well, wasn't that true anyways? Mei had chosen to prioritize her relationship over her friend.

While Yuzu did the opposite.

I will not blame Yuzu. But at the same time, it wasn't like it was her own fault. It was just unfortunate circumstances. Accept the pain and move on.


Mei left the changing area last, joining the other four. Any embarrassment she would've had over wearing her bikini in the presence of Yuzu was long gone. Mei glared at the pink haired devil sitting at the edge of the pool, just ahead, swinging her legs back and forth.

Right as they'd reached the indoor pool they'd planned to go to, Matsuri had shown up to invite herself. Yuzu inviting others to their date frustrated her. Hurting Himeko saddened her. But this thing crashing in… this made her furious.

Mei walked over to the edge of the pool. Yuzu, Taniguchi, and Himeko were all off on the deep end playing with a beach ball.

"That's a really cute bikini," Matsuri said. "I hope she likes it. Though she's probably used to seeing even more than that by now."

Mei slipped into the pool, jaw clenched. Matsuri was the only person who knew about their relationship, the person whose existence ruined the secret, the privacy of it. She ached to make this girl leave but would never do it. Express positivity. Don't cause a scene.

Matsuri sighed behind her, then also slipped into the pool. "Never mind. I should've known you wouldn't be dumb enough to play along. Let's just have fun with our favorite gal, shall we?"

Mei stumbled to the side as Matsuri took off in a splashy breaststroke towards the others. Water splashed onto her face from those wildly kicking feet, and she stopped to wipe her eyes. Looking back up, she found Matsuri clinging onto Yuzu, her arms wrapped around her. Yuzu smiled in her embarrassed kind of way, leaning away from Matsuri.

Oh, words hadn't worked, so this was her plan B to tick Mei off. That's enough. I'm taking my date back.

Mei slipped into a breaststroke, all the muscle memory from when she practiced so long ago coming back in an instant. With minimal splashes and not tiring at all, she reached the group at the deep end.

Himeko just barely caught a ball thrown to her by Taniguchi. She bobbed up and down before stabilizing and wiped the water from her eyes. Mei turned away. Matsuri was still holding onto Yuzu like leech. Damn Yuzu for being too friendly to just push her off.

"Mei! Catch!" Mei snapped her head and saw the ball flying from Himeko to her. Well, not exactly to her. Himeko wasn't very good with sports.

As the ball arced, Mei watched it and suddenly saw it in a completely different way. That was her weapon.

Mei lunged with skill and grace to where the ball was landing, caught it, and swung around, throwing the ball straight at Matsuri. Yuzu yelped, and the ball hit Matsuri right on the forehead, sending them both splashing apart.

"You were supposed to catch that," Mei said condescendingly to Matsuri as the little girl rubbed her head.

Matsuri just grinned up at her. That was the last reaction Mei would have expected.

Yuzu laughed nervously and picked up the ball which had drifted in her direction. "If you're so good at catching, Mei," Yuzu said and held the ball back for a throw. "Then get this one!" She threw the ball up high in Mei's direction and drifted back from the force of the toss.

For a moment that seemed to stretch, Mei just gazed at Yuzu's figure fluttering in the waves of the water. Her yellow bikini and all her exposed skin were distorted from clear view, but still so…

Mei's mind snapped away from the distraction and yanked her body backwards to chase after the ball. Reaching the ball's trajectory, she caught it easily. Yuzu hollered and cheered as Mei drifted back to them.

They went on playing like that for a while. Himeko kept struggling, so she always threw to the nearest person. Taniguchi kept having fun tricking people out. She'd make to throw at someone, then did a quick surprise throw to someone who wouldn't expect it. Matsuri kept calling her throw out to Mei but sending the ball flying far behind her. Every single time, Mei ignored it. The last thing she'd do was go off on her own and let Matsuri jump back on Yuzu. So, however the games went, Mei never let herself or Yuzu drift away from each other. She felt stupid, like a shy kid who stuck to the one person they knew at a party. But she had to stay close to Yuzu.

"Ugh, Mei keeps refusing to play with me!" Matsuri whined. "I wanna play a new game!"

"How about some Tag?" Yuzu immediately suggested. Then, Yuzu put a gentle hand on Mei's arm. Mei pulled back immediately, blushing from the sudden unexpected touch. "You're It Mei!" Yuzu called and went swimming away.

Mei just floated in place. Even though Yuzu was always touchy with her friends, Mei couldn't shake this fluster. It was just a light touch on the arm, and her mind had fallen apart. How was that fair?

Mei looked around. Everyone was floating in place, watching her, waiting for her to chase someone. It felt so childish…

Mei met eyes with Yuzu. But did that have to be so bad? She could play with her, after all. The thought washed away her insecurity and she dived straight toward Yuzu.

Yuzu yelped with a smile and swam off. However, her form was wild and didn't let her build up speed quickly. Mei quickly caught up to her, and without giving herself any time to talk herself out of it, she jumped on Yuzu.

Yuzu laughed from being caught, her face all wet from the splash. Arms wrapped over Yuzu's shoulders, but not pushing heavily down on her, Mei relished in this brief moment. It wouldn't look overly intimate to anyone watching, but she felt scandalous. Still not thinking, she brought her mouth closer to Yuzu's ear.

"You're It, baby," she whispered, then released and kicked off swimming in the other direction. What the hell. Did she actually just say that? Mei kept kicking her feet and only stopped swimming when she reached a far end of the pool, a good distance away from everyone.

She watched Yuzu continuously chase after the other girls, failing to catch them. Mei's date might have been taken from her, but she'd snatched a tiny bit of it back. She held onto that small feeling, like it would slip away into the waves at any moment. Mei smiled, wondering how red Yuzu's face got after she swam off. She'd have liked to see that.

The game went on, someone getting caught every now and then. Laughs and splashes echoed through the room. A long stretch went on where Himeko was It and couldn't catch anyone. Then, finally, she caught Matsuri who seemed like she'd gotten distracted. Huh. Matsuri wasn't trying to be overly touchy with Yuzu anymore. Got tired of trying to screw with Mei?

Then suddenly, Yuzu bolted in Mei's direction. Apparently, she was It again and wanted to get back at Mei. Mei smiled, her heart thumping at the idea of it. She swam off past Yuzu who reached out a hand but barely missed. Yuzu slowed heavily from turning, but Mei had no such difficulties, so she easily put some distance between them.

Okay, that was frustrating. Now, playing the game meant staying away from Yuzu. Like hell. Mei pretended to stumble with her form, slowing her down. She heard Yuzu catching up, and then felt Yuzu's hand briefly slide across her back.

"Gotcha!" Yuzu cheered through heavy breaths. "Finally! Damn, you're a good swimmer, Mei."

Mei's heart thumped from the compliment that meant so much only because of who it came from. This whole thing… Doing all this with a girlfriend… she was actually having fun. Smiling, excited, light. The date hadn't been ruined. She'd just had to try harder to get it back.


It was dark out by the time they'd finished. Taniguchi and Yuzu stood up by the street, chatting. Mei lingered by the building. She didn't want to awkwardly third wheel on them like she usually felt like she did. Wait. Shouldn't Taniguchi have been the third wheel? Mei huffed to herself, trying not to let her social anxiety bother herself.

The door beside Mei opened and she turned to see Matsuri who'd finally finished changing. What was taking Himeko so long? The sooner they left, the sooner Mei could be back home, alone with Yuzu.

"Have fun today?" Matsuri asked, leaning against the wall and not looking at her.

Mei didn't want to talk to her. But ignoring one of Yuzu's friends completely… "Yes," Mei finally said reluctantly.

"Looked kinda sour at first," Matsuri went on. "I'm relieved that fighting for Yuzu's attention worked to improve your mood."

Mei snapped her head towards Matsuri. "What?"

Matsuri still didn't look up. "No big deal. I'm just glad it worked. It's hard to read that stone-cold face sometimes, but I could've sworn I saw a bit of happiness on it."

Matsuri walked off toward Yuzu and Taniguchi. Realization and humiliation made Mei's face burn. There was no way that that was Matsuri's intention all along. That… she was clinging to Yuzu just to motivate Mei to take her back. That–annoying little–

Mei released a breath. It was a confirmation of all the things Yuzu had said about her pink haired friend. That she was amazing at reading people, and then used mischievous methods to manipulate people into doing what she thought was in their best interest. That just made Mei more frustrated. She needed that kid to stay out of her relationship; it was none of her business.

The door opened again, and Himeko walked out. The two met eyes, and Mei felt a flicker of relief. Himeko's light smile felt genuine. Maybe her worry earlier in the day was overblown. Maybe that misunderstanding wasn't actually a big deal to Himeko.

"Did you have fun?" Mei asked hopefully.

"It was alright, I suppose," Himeko said, twirling a lock of wet hair. "I'm not very good at swimming. It's kind of frustrating."

"You don't have to be good to enjoy it," Mei explained. "I might be very well practiced, but that wasn't what made tonight so fun." Mei blushed from realizing how easily she'd admitted that.

"What did then?" Himeko asked softly.

"Doing it with–" Mei's voice caught. "Friends," she finished quickly. She couldn't say that she only enjoyed tonight because of her time with Yuzu. That'd be… weird.

"I agree!" Himeko said immediately, her voice a pitch higher. "It doesn't really matter what you're doing! You'll enjoy anything if you do it with friends! But, um, you and me didn't really spend that much time together tonight, so…" Himeko paused, as if her next words were a struggle to get out. "Do you want to come over? We could have a sleepover like we used to way back."

Mei felt an adrenaline rush, as if she were under attack. Why the hell? That was such an innocent request. Why am I…? Mei's sight focused on the figure of Yuzu in the background, her blonde hair still so bright in the night. And here Mei was, back in the same situation as early in the day, to make amends. But she'd already gotten herself looking forward to when she could go home and be alone with Yuzu. Didn't she earn that right? She went along with a whole event that happened in place of a date she'd been looking forward to. She deserved to finally get some time for her relationship. Himeko could wait a bit.

"Maybe next weekend?" Mei asked, trying to keep her voice as consoling as possible.

Himeko looked away. "Oh! Yeah, that sounds great!" Then she started walking up toward the others.

Mei followed beside her. She knew that Himeko didn't take that well, but… Shouldn't she be able to handle it? Couldn't Mei prioritize what was most important to her and have her friend accept and understand that? Except, Himeko didn't know the truth, couldn't know.

I'm so sorry. But this was what she had to do, for her own mental health. To pursue her new relationship and all the new feelings that came with it to reignite passions long buried.

Himeko's pain wasn't her fault.


That night, Mei pulled out her diary and sat down at her desk. Not the diary that she shared with Yuzu, her regular diary. She'd kept many of them ever since her father left. Writing was one of the few pastimes she had during those cold years. It felt odd coming back to it. Things had gotten so much better in the past couple months, so she hadn't needed it. But she felt cold tonight and didn't know why.

Yuzu was in the kitchen cooking dinner. Distance sounds of clattering and groaning brought Mei small smiles as she imagined Yuzu's struggled attempts at cooking. But the chill under her skin remained.

She brought her pen to the page and cycled though her thoughts for something to write.

The fun times at the pool? The exciting feelings she had with Yuzu today? The frustrations of Matsuri…? The… disappointment she caused her best friend…

Mei shook her head, her jaw starting to clatter. That wasn't her fault. It was just a complicated situation.

She needed to rediscover her passions. Yuzu showed her that there was something beautiful and alight deep down. Now, she had to find them!

She gripped the pen in her hand; her fingers had started shaking too much.

She'd started feeling cold as soon as Yuzu left the room to make dinner.

The very moment she left, I…

I…

Tears streamed down Mei's face as her body shook from the chill.

I need her. Her presence pulls that passion out of me. When she looks at me, I feel beautiful. When she listens to me, I feel interesting. When she chases me, I have fun. I need her to reach that passion.

Mei tossed her pen aside, and slammed her diary shut. She leaned forward, clutching her arms around herself, doing everything to keep her sobbing quiet.

First, her father's dream. Now, her relationship with Yuzu. Will she always be so pathetically dependent on others? Today, all it took was for Yuzu to leave the room, and she felt the familiar cold numbness overcome her again. That terrifying emptiness that she lived with for five years. Something she thought she could escape but could now see was as strong as ever, waiting to catch her unawares. Yuzu had been helping to distract her from it, but Mei couldn't live her whole life being coddled. She wanted to stand strong on her own. I thought I could!

She wiped her tears, letting the relieving numbness blank out her unsettled heart. Have I not changed at all?