A. N. : Part 2 has come ! This time, we'll be sticking close to Yuuta's PoV, but I think it shouldn't be too jarring. (Who am I kidding, PoV changes are basically my trademark at this point haha)

Once again, I'll be posting some background information/research on my tumblr (crescentmoonrider) regarding this part, under the tag "manifesto commentary". So if you're interested in an annotated edition, just head over there !

Warnings for this chapter : referenced suicide attempt, survivor's guilt, anxiety, and some short but graphic depictions of injuries.


Time is the best teacher, but having an actual teacher also helps


By the time Yuuta and Toji-san make it far enough from the city to be relatively, hopefully safe, night has fallen for real. Honestly, Yuuta expected sneaking out to be much harder, between the closed doors and the guards, but following the river proved to be an effective way to avoid prying eyes.

Which is a really, really good thing.

Yuuta can feel Rika-chan's agitation, her fury swirling around him like cold, northern winds. It reminds Yuuta of winters at home, of the angry blizzards making everyone fearful and nervous.

Only, now, Yuuta is the only one aware of the danger.

His kimono is sticking to his stomach still. Yuuta tries to imagine it's just water, like when Toji-san got him out of the river, and not the now cold blood of another person. It would be easier if not for the awful stickiness on his face and hands, for the smell of copper following him like his own shadow, or for the sword he is clumsily holding.

Toji-san insisted he take it. Said he would teach Yuuta how to use it.

Toji-san survived.

None of this feels real.

Yuuta steals a glance at Toji-san, now slowly crouching near the river and cleaning off the bulk of the blood covering his hair and arms.

As Yuuta draws closer to do the same, he notices the muted hisses coming from Toji-san's mouth with each movement. His hands go up to his face as he takes a deep breath, and then there's a sickening crack, and a whimper. He just put his nose back into the right place, Yuuta realizes.

With the foreign blood mostly gone from their respective bodies, it's easy to see the too many injuries on Toji-san's face. There are probably even more, hidden under the fabric of his kimono.

And once they get the fire running, Toji-san's wounds become that much more obvious. Some are even still bleeding, especially the nose he just fixed, and the big cut under his left eye.

It's awful, and Yuuta can't stand it.

"Please wait here, I'm, uh, I'll be right back."

Yuuta gets up under Toji-san's inquisitive gaze, heads for the nearby woods. The weather here is warmer than back home, and Yuuta doesn't know if that's because it's more to the south, or because it's lower in altitude, but even then he thinks he can find what he's looking for.

Although, in the night, with only the light of the moon to guide him, it might be a little harder than usual. But Rika-chan helps, her hands, curled protectively around Yuuta, emitting some light as always. He isn't sure she is doing it on purpose, the faint glow is just kind of always there, surrounding her whenever she appears, and between what happened earlier and the fact that Yuuta is now alone in the woods, she might just be here to keep him safe rather than to serve as a lamp. It works, in any case.

Once Yuuta gets back to the camp, he sees that Toji-san has taken both swords to his side, and is cleaning them and their sheaths of the blood their previous owners left on them.

Thinking about what happened makes Yuuta uneasy.

He hates this. The amount of death that follows his every step, the ways in which Rika-chan kills people, so terrible no one could even recognize the victims afterwards. It makes him sick. And it's all his fault, he knows.

Even if Toji-san said he shouldn't feel bad about these two men… they were still people.

To avoid thinking about this any more than he already has, already will, Yuuta focuses on the task at hand. Select the plants, separate them by species, then by leaves and stems and roots. Grind some of them into a paste, let others stew in water while he works, in bowls made from large leaves he picked up. Ideally, he would infuse these in hot water, but he doesn't have anything to hold his preparations in, that wouldn't also burn when exposed to fire.

Once he is at least somewhat satisfied with the result, he turns to Toji-san. His nose has stopped bleeding but is still an awful reddish purple colour, and the cut under his eye has swollen enough that it makes Yuuta wince to just look at it. Toji-san's wide-open collar also exposes the numerous bruises forming on his ribs, some of them already a mean blue.

Yuuta gets up, carrying his various preparations as carefully as he can. He stops, thinks for a moment, places one of them back down to pick up later.

Hopefully, that way he'll avoid dropping all of them.

Toji-san's eyes are sharp on him, and Yuuta does his best to look like a normal person whose skeleton isn't currently attempting to crawl out of his own skin in embarrassment. Being looked at always puts him on edge.

Still, this is something he has to do, no, something he wants to do – the difference is maybe slight, but it is everything. Yuuta can't remember the last time he wanted to do something.

He holds up one of his makeshift bowls.

"For your wounds", he murmurs, like speaking any louder would somehow make his first human companion since Rika-chan's death disappear into the night.

Toji-san's eyes widen slightly.

"Oh," is the only response he gives.

Yuuta hesitates for a moment, then decides it means he can go ahead. After all, Toji-san has made it very clear that disagreement is not a thing he keeps to himself, even just in the less-than-a-day Yuuta has known him for.

He applies himself, first using the yomogi, then the antiseptic on the open wounds, the cuts on Toji-san's cheek and lower lip, the broken nose, anything that was bleeding earlier. From this up close, he can see Toji-san clenching his jaw tightly, closing his eyes when Yuuta's fingers brush against the purple blotch that makes up the left side of his face.

It's impressive, how strong he is. Even though it must hurt so, so much.

The open wounds taken care of, Yuuta takes the paste for the bruises. Toji-san may be the strongest person Yuuta has ever met, but that doesn't mean he has to suffer any more than strictly necessary. The face, first, as gently as possible, and then Toji-san shrugs off the sleeves of his kimono without any prompting, so that Yuuta can access all the contusions on his ribs and stomach.

There are so many it makes Yuuta sick, but more than that – there are older wounds, too, scars done with something sharp, that look like they were made to hurt more than to injure, and Yuuta tries very hard not to let his eyes drop to the swords sitting beside Toji-san.

He shouldn't feel bad for these two, Toji-san had said, and Yuuta wants him to have been wrong, because otherwise their deaths might feel justified, and that's terrifying.

"How –" Toji-san takes a sharp breath as Yuuta brushes against one of his ribs. "How do you… know this stuff ?"

Yuuta looks up.

"What do you mean ?"

"Plants."

Oh.

"That's – my mom taught me." He shrugs. "Everyone at home knew how to do that. The basics at least. Is that…" Yuuta thinks maybe he shouldn't finish his sentence, but curiosity eats at him and he can't stop himself. "Is that not the case where you're from, Toji-san ?"

Toji-san grimaces. Yuuta opens his mouth to apologize, but –

"Nah. If someone got hurt we just called a pro. Or didn't call anyone and hoped they got an infection and died, depends."

His voice turned bitter at that last comment, and Yuuta cannot help but remember the samurai said Toji-san shared their blood.

"Were you… ?"

Yuuta isn't sure what he is asking. Were you a samurai too ? Were you not happy there ? Were you not wanted ? None of these are something he thinks Toji-san would like to answer. And yet… and yet Yuuta wants to know.

His two impulses (he wants to learn more about Toji-san, wants to be closer to him, because he can, for the first time since he was ten) (he doesn't want Toji-san to push him away, doesn't want to make him feel bad, doesn't want to be hated) fight as the unfinished question hangs in the air, tearing up Yuuta's insides while he busies himself with Toji-san's bruises, hands shaking slightly.

"What's the water for ?"

Toji-san is looking at the last of Yuuta's preparations, his voice cutting through the silence without hesitation.

"It's, uh," Yuuta's words feel foreign in his mouth, even though he knows what he is talking about, "for the pain. When you sleep. You – you drink it before going to sleep, and you'll be able to rest well even with bad bruises and" - something moves under the pressure of Yuuta's fingers - "broken bones ? Sorry," he adds as Toji-san winces in pain.

A grunt.

"I'm uh, I think I'm done now. You can drink up and I'll stop bothering you."

Yuuta turns his back on Toji-san, both to quickly put away what remains of his mixtures (there's no way to keep them, so he just drops them in the river while washing his hands), and to hide his embarrassment at having hurt the person he was trying to help.

He needs to be more careful. He always needs to be more careful.

"Brat." A pause. "Yuuta. Thank you."

Yuuta feels his face heat up. He doesn't know how to react, and so only lets out a "mhm", hands still in the river, back still turned so Toji-san cannot see his face.

"… you heard what Tadayoshi said, didn't you ?" Toji-san asks after a moment. He doesn't wait for the answer. "Well, you probably already got it, but I was. Part of his family. Had to leave so my kid would be allowed in. It's already been two years though, so don't bother with being like, formal and shit. Or sorry. Especially sorry."

Biting his tongue to avoid letting out a reflexive "I'm sorry that happened", Yuuta thinks back to everything he knows about Toji-san, from the swords to the samurai's words, and thinks that it all makes sense. Or, well, Toji-san having been a samurai (and how do you even stop being one ?) makes sense. The thing with his child doesn't, as far as Yuuta knows, but asking anything more would be indelicate, and he's done enough of that for today.

Instead –

"Won't you get in trouble ? For, uh…"

"For these two ? Don't think so. No one was around, no one outside of town will recognize their swords, and your girlfriend made it pretty clear they weren't killed by a human. Don't worry about it."

Yuuta tries not to think back to the state of the bodies Rika-chan leaves in her wake.

"Plus… With Tadayoshi and his goon dead, there's no risk he'll put his hands on Megumi anymore, so I should thank you really. Or thank your girlfriend, I guess."

Ah. Yuuta adjusts the collar of his kimono, brushes off the lingering sensation of that hand. If that man had made it a habit to do these sorts of things, the way Toji-san is implying…

Rika-chan's vindictive anger flares up around him, and it takes all of Yuuta's willpower not to let himself be swayed. He clenches his hands on his knees, breathes deeply, once, twice, long enough that Toji-san's snores start echoing behind him.

"Yuu… ta….." the night says in a raspy voice, right next to his ear.

He doesn't know what she wants, so he only whispers a goodnight back to her, before going to sleep near the fire.


When he wakes up, the first thing Yuuta does is tell Rika-chan good morning. It's a habit, both to make himself feel less lonely and because she seems to like it.

He couldn't keep her safe. The least he can do is make her happy in what little ways he can find.

"Mor… ning…" she answers lazily, the wisps of her body curling around him like a very content cat.

She was never a morning person, Yuuta thinks while scratching her eyes. It's cute how even now, in spite of everything, she still acts like she wants nothing more than to go back to bed, preferably with him sitting nearby to hold her hand or pet her hair.

It's… disorienting to remember how she was before, to think about how similar she still is to that time, and yet so, so different. It's painful, too, to think about what could have been. What was.

"G'morning," a masculine voice cuts through Yuuta's thoughts.

He jolts.

All of yesterday flashes back into his mind instantly, and –

Toji-san is still here. Toji-san is alive, and here, and Yuuta isn't alone.

There's something warm inside his stomach.

"Good morning, Toji-san !" Yuuta answers, probably too enthusiastically, while Rika-chan ripples in something like frustration. "How, uh, how are you ?"

"Didn't you just… nevermind." Toji-san sighs, or yawns. Hard to say, honestly. "I've been better, but I've also been way worse. 'S fine."

During the night, his bruises have taken a more blueish purple, less red colour, especially on his face. They probably still hurt a lot, and Yuuta makes a mental note to make more pain-killing balm for today. Right now, however, Toji-san offers some of the leftover food from yesterday as breakfast.

"We probably shouldn't hang around here too long," he says in-between tearing through a plum. "Too close to the city. 'S probably best we lay low for a bit, maybe go north ? Not a lot of folks to scare your girlfriend there, I think. And that way we don't have to think about hiding the swords yet."

Yuuta doesn't correct the assumption that the current Rika-chan would ever be scared. He is the cowardly one, but with how tied together they are, maybe his own emotions resonate with hers, just like her rage sometimes feels like his own.

And north… north would be more familiar, even if Yuuta doubts Toji-san would risk himself to the mountains. It would be nostalgic, and maybe a little painful, but –

Unlike before, when he left, Yuuta wouldn't be alone with Rika-chan.

He nods. Thinks for a moment more.

"Before we leave…"

Toji-san raises an eyebrow.

"I'll get more plants for you. Could you, uh," Yuuta is uncomfortable asking Toji-san to do anything, especially given the state he is in, but he supposes it's better to share chores and get to leave earlier. "Could you wash our clothes in the meantime ? If we meet anyone on the road, it would be better to, uh…"

"Not be covered in blood ?"

Yeah. That.

Toji-san looks at Yuuta, lips curved downwards in a half frown.

"Sure. Whatever," he finally says, right as Yuuta was about to apologize for asking something so tiring of him.

Then again, it's not like Toji-san would know which plants to select, so Yuuta couldn't ask him to do that instead.

He takes off his kimono (the dry blood on it makes the fabric almost hard, and Yuuta thinks this might be the time washing it tears it apart for good), grabs the knife Toji-san hands him, and heads into the forest.

With the sunlight filtering through the leaves and branches, things are much easier than yesterday, and Yuuta comes back pretty fast… only to be completely caught off-guard by the scene in front of him.

Toji-san, now in his underwear, sits by the river, holding his own drenched kimono like he's never seen it in his life. The ashes of the night's fire are seemingly untouched.

Wait. No. No, right ? Toji-san said it had been two years since he lost his status, there's no way his clothes haven't been washed once during that time ! Right ?!

"Er…"

Toji-san's head whips to face him so fast that Yuuta almost thinks it's going to break off. His expression is unreadable, face closed entirely, safe for wild, wide open eyes.

"Could it be… Toji-san, do you… Do you not know how to do laundry ?"

"Well I never had to know that !" His tone is so defensive it's almost funny. "It can't be that hard, anyway."

The shrug he concludes with is probably supposed to be nonchalant, but combined with the obvious confusion Yuuta witnessed not a moment ago, and the fact that Toji-san clearly has no idea of what he's doing and probably won't get anywhere on his own, Yuuta can't stop himself from snorting in amusement.

He guesses he can do the laundry and ask Toji-san to grind the plants down instead. As he steps forward to offer to switch, though, Yuuta can't help but wonder –

"How did you even manage to keep your clothes clean, then ?"

Another shrug, this one accompanied by an arrogant smirk that makes the scar at the corner of Toji-san's mouth dance.

"Oh, I just found myself a woman whenever I needed that stuff done. 'S a pretty good way to get warm food, or a roof in winter, too," he adds lightly.

Rika-chan bristles, causing a shiver to climb up Yuuta's spine. It's true that laundry is a woman's job, but even then, most men know at least the basics, if only to avoid having to spend days on end covered in blood during hunting season. Else bears could get ideas from the smell.

That Toji-san wouldn't know that kind of basic skill… Honestly, it's a bit worrying.

Yuuta changes plans.

"I can teach you." He smiles. "That way, even if we get lost, you'll be able to do it."

Also, Yuuta really doesn't feel like having most chores pushed onto his back. It's maybe selfish, given all the trouble he's causing Toji-san, but laundry sucks and he doesn't want to have to do it for two all the time.

Plus, Toji-san is teaching him how to use a sword. It's only fair he teaches Toji-san something in turn.

He places the plants he gathered under a rock, to keep them in place while he works, and then sets off to quickly weave together a few leaves to carry the ashes to the river.

Toji-san watches him attentively (his eyes seem to naturally have a sharp edge to them, Yuuta noticed), and it still puts him off-balance somewhat, but it feels… less uncomfortable than yesterday.

Gather the ashes in the makeshift basket, get enough water to make a paste more on the liquid end of the spectrum than not. Ideally, the mixture would rest for a full night at least, but they don't have that kind of time.

So instead Yuuta prepares the medicine for Toji-san, to give the soap a semblance of development time, and the clothes some more time in the water.

He takes this opportunity to explain everything to Toji-san – how to recognize the right plants, and which other species to be careful not to mistake them for, which parts to use and how, the desired texture of the pastes and the colour of the infusions.

All the while, Toji-san keeps his eyes on Yuuta, to the point that is stops feeling too awkward. He wants to learn, Yuuta thinks. That attentiveness to his every word and action makes something bubble in Yuuta's stomach, warm and cozy.

He feels useful.

After having helped Toji-san with his bruises once more, it's time for the laundry.

Yuuta grabs one of the kimonos, watches Toji-san do the same. He places the cloth on a large rock surfacing from the water, puts some soap on it. Rubs the soap in and the grime out, first by rubbing parts of the kimono together, then by using the rock and his own hands as support and tool respectively.

The stains are deep, and the soap unfortunately hasn't had enough time to be as efficient as Yuuta would like, and so he has to put a lot of strength into his work.

Next to him, Toji-san has copied his every action. In spite of his injuries, he doesn't complain, or ask for a break, or show any pain. He doesn't seem to go easy on the stains either, his muscles ripping in effort, sweat forming on his forehead.

Yuuta admires his strength. Not just the physical part of it, but the strength of character and the determination Toji-san has consistently shown since they met. It makes Yuuta want to do better. To become a better person.

He cannot wait for Toji-san to teach him.


Yuuta would like to take back a few things.

Now that Toji-san has recovered somewhat (it took a few weeks, what with his broken ribs and all, and Yuuta surprised himself by managing to keep track of the time, when before years used to pass without his notice), he's decided that it was time to keep his word and show Yuuta how to use a sword.

A few days earlier, he had cut two straight branches from nearby trees, and had then spent his free time robbing them of their bark, shaping them into something resembling a pair of swords, with a blade side and a handle side (although they are still mostly cylinders), and sanding down the naked wood to protect the hand from injury. Yuuta had watched the whole process with a mix of curiosity and excitement.

Now that he has the stick Toji-san called a bokuto in hand, though, the excitement has pretty much vanished.

For one, in spite of Toji-san's insistence that bokutos are training swords, Yuuta has a lot of trouble unseeing the tree branch it used to be, and feels a bit ridiculous holding it, like a child playing samurai.

For two, Toji-san has spent the last quarter-hour scolding him about the position of his hands, and it's kind of taking a hit on Yuuta's self-esteem.

And, sure, Yuuta isn't the kind of person to give up at the slightest difficulty, Rika-chan can attest to that, having stopped his many, many attempts at putting an end to everything. But Toji-san was the one to insist he learn sword fighting when, in all honesty, Yuuta doesn't really see the point.

"You're not listening."

Yuuta startles. He did admittedly tune out Toji-san's endless stream of criticism once it became clear that he wasn't saying anything new, but of course Toji-san would notice. Yuuta doesn't know why he expected anything else.

"Sorry." Toji-san raises an eyebrow. By now, Yuuta knows that apologies alone only serve to annoy him, and so adds "I don't understand why we're training with sticks."

"Not a stick."

"Bokutos, sorry, I know, it's just. I have trouble seeing where the handle part ends on this. It just looks like a stick to me."

Toji-san stays still for a time, then sighs.

"You're not supposed to see the parts. You're supposed to feel them." He comes closer, grabs one of Yuuta's hands. "Look in front of you, not at your blade," he says, placing the hand a bit higher on the bokuto, "otherwise you'll get cut in two."

Yuuta nods. Tries to focus on not looking, which is surprisingly difficult.

"Feel that under your thumb ?"

Moving said finger on the wood, Yuuta frowns. There's… a crease ? Perpendicular to the bokuto, apparently running around it in a complete circle, there's a crease, not deep enough to weaken the structure of the wood, but too deep and regular to be anything but intentional.

"That means you're too far." Toji-san lets go of Yuuta's hand. "Readjust."

Yuuta does, trying to follow the instructions Toji-san gave him earlier, this time doing his best to feel the wood for clues on positioning.

"Better."

The first compliment of the day ! Yuuta thought it would never happen !

He can't stop himself from smiling like an idiot, even when Toji-san snorts and calls him easy.

"You want to know why I'm not teaching you with the real deal, right ?"

Yuuta nods.

"It's 'cause you'd cut yourself. Swords are dangerous, so we never use them to train, unless it's, I don't know, cutting techniques and the like. If you don't need the sharp part, you don't use it."

That… makes sense, Yuuta supposes. Not that he would know, the only sharp things he was taught to use were a knife, to carve wood or to cut plants or to gut and skin animals or to prepare food afterwards, and the family hatchet. Swords are a whole other deal. They can't be used for anything but to hurt people.

"… I see…" he says, unable to put words on his unease, and doubtful that Toji-san would see it as something of value anyway.

"Good. Now that you've got the basics down, you're going to switch to a one-handed grip. And then back to two hands. And again, and again, until you can do it in your sleep. Ready ?"

Wait, what ?

"Start."


Yuuta can't feel his hands anymore. It's a good thing Toji-san agreed to carry some medicinal plants with his own belongings pretty early on, just in case, because Yuuta really doesn't think he could go and grab some fresh ones right now.

He could ask Toji-san to do it, but they're not quite there in terms of not grabbing poisonous ones. Not yet, at least.

It's a relief to have someone with him though. Not just emotionally, although obviously that's the main thing in Yuuta's opinion. On a practical level, too – more hands to carry useful items, yes, but also help with chores and unexpected tasks. Like having to grind a healing paste when your hands feel like they're on fire.

Toji-san hands Yuuta the completed medicine, and Yuuta presses his fingers into it with something like desperation. It stings, then soon turns cool against his raw skin.

Oh, that feels good.

Rubbing some balm on his hands, Yuuta notices bits of skin are peeling off, leaving the flesh underneath exposed. That's bad. It hurts, but more than that, it's worrying. There's the risk of infection, for one, but also the simple fact that a wound like that will hurt for days and will probably get in the way of just about everything.

Ideally, Yuuta would wrap it in a clean cloth, to at least protect it somewhat, but… well, the only thing around that's anywhere close to that description is the cloth Toji-san keeps for the swords. And even it is more oily than clean, in all honesty.

"You good ?"

Yuuta answers by raising his hands for Toji-san to see.

Toji-san pauses what he had started – more carving of the bokutos, apparently ? Why ?

He grimaces.

"I think I saw a few houses down in the valley. I can go tomorrow and get something to wrap that up."

"Thank you."

"Don't think you can ditch training just like that," Toji-san adds, knife digging into the wood once more.

Yuuta doesn't know whether he should be disappointed or offended. A bit of both, maybe. Training with his hands in that state does sound hellish.

Speaking of – "Why did you pick up that second sword ?"

The knife doesn't stop, slices into the wood following the nerves.

"Don't ask stuff you already know the answer to."

"I…" Yuuta's thumb digs into his palm, sliding between dead skin and raw flesh. "Why give it to me ? Why not keep it for yourself ?"

Toji-san picks up some of the wood he's carved out and throws it in the fire, sighing.

"You ever wondered why your girlfriend does what she does ?"

That's… not where Yuuta thought this conversation would go. Not that he really expected anything specific, just – he doesn't see what Rika-chan has to do with that.

As for Toji-san's question, well.

"I don't need to wonder."

Everything Rika-chan does is for his sake, Yuuta knows. For the sake of their promise. That's how ghosts work, at least in stories, with a promise, or a grudge, or something unfinished that ties them to this world.

We keep each other safe, they'd sworn after Rika-chan's dad disappeared and she came to live with Yuuta's family. But there were things no one could fight against, summer storms and landslides, and Yuuta broke his side of the promise by letting Rika-chan out of his sight that day.

She said she'd heard her dad's voice outside. But when the storm calmed down and Yuuta could see in front of him again, the only thing there was her broken body.

In a fairer world, it would have been the other way around.

Wood hits his forehead, startling him out of his memories.

"I'm talking to you." Toji-san holds some more bits of the bokutos in his hand, as if to say he won't hesitate to throw more at Yuuta if needed.

"Sorry."

Toji-san tsks. Yuuta shrinks. It's not like he can just stop apologizing completely, right ?

"Anyway, point is, from what I've seen and what you've told me, she's protecting you. She's being extreme about it, which is a pain in the ass, but she's not just killing indiscriminately."

Yuuta knew this already. Where is Toji-san going with this ?

"The problem is you."

Yuuta… also knew this. Hearing it said out loud hurts, but he's been aware for a long time that everything is his fault. If he wasn't here, Rika-chan wouldn't need to kill people. He knows this.

"You're weak."

Yuuta's nail carves a crescent into his palm, drawing blood.

"You can't protect yourself, so she reacts at the slightest provocation, because she doesn't know what you can or can't deal with on your own. You're keeping her on edge with your weakness."

Yuuta bites the inside of his lip. If he starts crying, if he shows his pathetic weakness again, will Toji-san finally have enough and leave ?

"So you gotta grow stronger."

… Huh ?

"Grow strong enough that your girl can trust you not to get yourself beaten up every time you talk to someone. Learn to protect yourself, instead of depending on her. Learn to fight, instead of wallowing in self-pity. That's why I gave you that sword."

It's too much.

A sob tears Yuuta's throat in half, and he folds onto himself, head almost touching the ground, hands clutching his chest as he cries in pain.

All this time, all this time he's lived his life like a burden. Like the only way to solve things was for him to disappear.

How painful it must have been for Rika-chan, to see him like that ! She just wanted him safe, and he did nothing to help her, only hoped for death. She wanted him safe, and he forced her to carry the weight of his entire life on her shoulders.

He didn't keep her safe. All he did was hurt her, over and over again.

"Can I," he struggles to get the words out through the tears, "can I really, really get stronger ?"

Can someone like him really protect Rika-chan ? Do right by her for the first time in his life ?

"That's for you to decide."

And so Yuuta makes his choice.


Following that discussion, Yuuta threw himself into training, for Rika-chan's sake. Toji-san even told him, once, that it sometimes didn't feel like he was even the same person anymore.

Yuuta hates the person who hurt Rika-chan throughout all these years, so he took it as a compliment.

One good thing about Yuuta that even he can acknowledge is that when he is motivated, he's a really fast learner.

Mastering the way to grip the sword and shift his hold on it didn't take that long once he understood how to do it right.

Then, Toji-san had him swing the bokuto vertically, to build muscles, an exercise he said they'd repeat every day, much to the suffering of Yuuta's hands (now constantly wrapped in makeshift bandages) and back. And his shoulders. And his arms. In short, his upper body is currently in a constant state of pain, one way or another.

And now Toji-san has decided to teach Yuuta how to strike correctly.

The bokutos have been modified so that the blade part now has both a back and an edge. It might have been helpful to make them this way from the start, Yuuta doesn't say when he sees the result of Toji-san's nightly carving.

He comes close, though. He is still somewhat insecure about criticizing Toji-san and his teaching style, because in his experience that's the fastest way to get someone angry, but on the other hand Toji-san seems to like it better when Yuuta says what he thinks openly.

It's complicated.

"I'll hold my bokuto one way," Toji-san explains, for once standing close enough that Yuuta could almost hit him with his own training sword, "and you'll have to strike it with your blade perfectly perpendicular to it."

Yuuta nods.

"Swords are strong, but fragile."

With time, they figured out that Yuuta learns better when he understands the reason he should do something a certain way, so now Toji-san always takes some time to explain the point of an exercise before starting.

In the end it saves them a lot of time and frustration.

"Cut straight with one, and it'll go through its target easily, like cutting through soft tofu. Strike the side, though, and it will break like a simple teacup. And then you'll be vulnerable and you'll also look like a complete idiot on top of it."

Yuuta snorts. Toji-san truly has a… way with words. It's sometimes hard to believe he was raised as a proper samurai.

"Remember to always keep the swing constant in speed, like I taught you, and look out for the way you stand," Toji-san concludes before giving the start signal.

Putting himself in position, Yuuta tries to keep the instructions in mind as he strikes the bokuto Toji-san holds – it's horizontal, meaning…

Vertical swings are the ones he's practiced the most, thanks to the muscle-building exercises, and it apparently paid off, since Toji-san grunts approvingly and quickly repositions his bokuto – vertically this time, inviting a horizontal strike.

Yuuta switches to a single-handed grip, slices through the air. The impact makes him stumble, however, and he drops his bokuto to avoid falling.

"Good thinking, bad execution."

Toji-san's voice is dry, but Yuuta has learned it's just the way he speaks, much like his eyes are always sharp and calculating. It doesn't mean Yuuta is hated.

He picks up his bokuto. Gets in position.

It continues like this for a while, Toji-san having Yuuta strike horizontally, diagonally, vertically, at different angles, faster and faster as he learns the correct strategies with each successful blow.

"Your sword just broke. Do it again."

And Yuuta does, each time. He might not have Toji-san's strength, but if he can learn technique, then he can keep Rika-chan safe the way he was supposed to.

He needs to grow stronger. To be better.

"Watch your legs."

Toji-san hits the side of Yuuta's shin, causing him to lose his balance and fall down with a pained yelp. Ouch, he's going to have bruises from this later, how dare

His blood runs cold at the unexpected fury swallowing him. Oh no.

"How… dare you hurt... Yuuta !"

Yuuta raises his head just in time to see Rika-chan's claws swipe at Toji-san, who stands still and –

"No !"

Air and dust blow in Yuuta's face as Rika-chan's strike reaches the ground, and he loses sight of Toji-san for a single, terrifying instant. No, no, please no, not again, not him

And then he sees, through the cloud of dirt and grass. Toji-san, rolling to the side, bokuto still in hand. Toji-san getting up, eyes darting from side to side, before settling on Yuuta.

Toji-san's arm, bloodied and injured, the sleeve of his kimono torn by the strength of Rika-chan's anger.

Rika-chan strikes again, and Yuuta's eyes go wide as he tries to give a warning in time, tries to get up and do something. Toji-san dodges, dodges again, stepping to the side and rolling to the ground and holding the bokuto like it could somehow protect him from Rika-chan.

"Stop."

Another swing, another miss, closer than before.

"Rika-chan, please !"

Dust flies as Toji-san avoids another hit. He swears, making Yuuta notice his closed eyes and pained expression – did he get blinded by the dirt ?

"Rika-"

The ghostly hand of Rika-chan swipes downwards as if to crush Toji-san under its weight.

Yuuta runs.

"I told you to stop !"

She does.

A single sun away from Yuuta's face, right before striking the both of them, Rika-chan… stops.

"I'm fine, see ?" Yuuta's breath is ragged, and he is so scared he can't keep himself from shaking. "I'm fine. So, you don't need to do this. Alright ?"

He looks up at Rika-chan, at her monstrous face, at the sharp teeth that were only a moment earlier bared at Toji-san as if to threaten to bite his head off. At the amulet around her neck, that she keeps even as she is now.

She looks dumbfounded.

"I'm fine. I promise."

Yuuta does his best to keep the tears at bay, even though he wants nothing more than to curl into a ball and cry for an hour.

"I didn't mean to worry you. I'm sorry."

He is so, so sorry. For everything.

He wishes he could have stopped her before.

"Yuu….. ta…."

She strokes his cheek with one finger, as gently as possible, and he closes his eyes. Then, as if nothing happened at all, she goes back to her shapeless, misty form, coiling around Yuuta the way she does when she is tired.

Yuuta's hand goes to his neck, to the red cord tying them together.

They keep each other safe. And for the first time –

"What the fuck," Toji-san breathes out behind him.

He managed to keep someone else safe as well.


This scene is starting to feel familiar.

Toji-san sits in silence, kimono taken off of his upper body, while Yuuta takes care of his injured arm. The cut is less nasty than he feared, less nasty than it looked at first, but that doesn't mean it's good either. On the bright side, Rika-chan's claws are sharp, so thankfully the wound's edges are clean.

Unfortunately, it also means she sliced through skin and flesh like air. The bone wasn't touched, but…

For now, Yuuta cleans the wound and uses some yomogi to stop the worst of the bleeding, and then grabs a spare cloth to bandage it. Wrap tightly, the cut is deep and will keep bleeding otherwise.

Wrap tightly, Yuuta's hands are too shaky and painful to attempt sewing it close.

"I'm sorry."

Toji-san sighs.

"It's my fault you got hurt and I can't even heal you properly. I'm sorry. I'm really, I'm so sor-"

"Stop that."

Yuuta flinches. His bottom lip is trembling. He bites down on it, focusing on the pain to avoid crying.

"It's my fault I got hurt in the first place. Should have been able to avoid that. And you stopped her, didn't you ? Stop whining like that when you did good, it's a fucking pain."

There's nothing Yuuta can answer to that. Toji-san is right, he should try to focus on his success more. Not put himself down so much. He can't keep on being a burden. Can't…

Wait.

"How were you supposed to avoid her ?"

"… what."

"You said – you said you should have been able to… But, Toji-san, you can't see Rika-chan, right ? I've never met someone who could. So… it's not your fault."

Toji-san stays silent, doesn't move. Did Yuuta say something wrong ? He just wanted to reassure him, the same way Toji-san keeps doing for him.

"I should be able to see her."

Huh ?

"I should – I should be able to sense her, at the very least. Even people without sight can do that much. Even fucking dogs can feel it. But that's too much to ask of a monkey like me I guess !"

He laughs, or barks, Yuuta isn't sure. There's no warmth in it. Only bitterness, and the same words the samurai used. The same words Toji-san's family used.

"The Zen'in, we're a clan of exorcists you know. That's how we serve our daimyou, on top of the usual stuff. Get rid of any annoying vengeful spirit, or even just ghosts that are being a bit too loud. That's why – lots of us can see. Really see, I mean. Like you. Even ones that can't, they're still useful. They can call a shikigami for help, to act as their eyes if they sense something's up. Even a bag of shit like Tadayoshi, or Sunao who's dumber than a fucking table, even these two could do it. Even…"

The more Toji-san speaks, the more agitated he becomes, and the more Yuuta feels a knot forming inside his throat.

"Even Megumi, a fucking baby, can see. He kept looking at the shikigami around the house back then, kept flailing his little baby arms like he could grab them somehow, and he… I couldn't take him in. After Okiku died, my wife didn't feel like raising a bastard, and anyway being the son of trash like me… hah ! Can you imagine ? His life would've been hell. I had to beg – to beg that stupid drunk to please adopt my son in my stead, just so someone would take care of him ! I knew the old man would accept, good eyes are always… Didn't expect him to kick me out, though. Should've seen it coming, I guess. A baby's gotta be more useful than a monkey anyw-"

"Stop saying this."

Yuuta can't take it anymore.

"You're not, you –" he can't even get the words out. The inside of his chest is hot. It's been along time since he felt like that of his own accord. "You're a person. Not a monkey, not – not whatever they told you ! Just because you can't see ghosts doesn't mean you're-"

"You didn't listen, did you ? It's not just about seeing. I'm sure – you've heard about stuff like cold spots, or haunted houses or whatever, right ? Places people avoid. People that feel just a little off. Maybe you've had dogs hate you for no fucking reason, because they just knew Rika is tied to you. But me ? I don't know any of that. Never felt that shit. I can avoid her because you look at her when she attacks, and she moves the wind if she's hitting real hard, but she could be standing right next to me right now and I wouldn't know. I'm lower than a dog, Yuuta. That's just how it is."

It's not fair.

It's not fair of Toji-san to say these things, not when he's the strongest person Yuuta knows, not when he's been saying, over and over, that Yuuta can have some sort of worth even when the person he is right now is still so, so flawed. Still so similar to the one who kept hurting Rika-chan.

It's not fair to say these things when Toji-san is the one who –

"I don't, I don't know any of the things you're talking about." Yuuta is still angry, still boiling up inside, but he feels his chest constrict around the words he wants to shout, like cold water around his body. "I… Ghosts and exorcists and your son… I can't understand any of it. Because, I've only ever known Rika-chan. Cold spots or haunted houses, they're not" – he shakes his head – "they're not things I get. But, Toji-san, you know, people are always, they always act weird with me. They're always angry, or they avoid me, or… Animals, too, dogs and cats and even if I'm trying to hunt, they just run away before I can do anything. So if you're saying it's because they can sense Rika-chan's presence, then I'm glad you cant ! I'm glad –"

Yuuta had raised his head while talking, looking straight at Toji-san, desperate to reach out to him, to claw himself out of the water, or maybe to reach into it and drag Toji-san out.

This last line, though, he isn't brave enough to say while looking at Toji-san. His eyes fall down, on his tightly-closed fists resting on his thighs, on the reddened wraps around his hands. He hadn't even noticed the pain, too carried away in his anger to pay attention to anything but the person who saved him, in more ways than one.

"I'm glad I can stay by your side."


Toji-san didn't say anything after Yuuta's outburst. Or even later, when Yuuta asked for his kimono, to try and close the hole Rika-chan made. He just handed his clothes to Yuuta without a word, and went back to taking care of the swords.

Yuuta can't help but feel it's his fault. He shouldn't have gotten so angry. He shouldn't – he couldn't help it. The idea of someone insulting Toji-san in that way, even if that person is Toji-san himself…

He grits his teeth.

He was scared, too. It felt like, if he didn't do anything, if he didn't say something, he was going to lose Toji-san somehow.

What was he supposed to do ?

Using two fingers to grab one of the needles he keeps in his obi, Yuuta winces. Holding his hand in this way, he feels the base of his thumb tense, and the newly re-opened wound pulsate in time with his heartbeat.

Still, he pushes through. Pulls a thread loose from some leftover cloth, pinches it tight to pass it through the eye –

"Ah !"

It hurts. The more strength Yuuta puts in his thumb, the more it feels like fire, climbing from his hand to his head.

It's a good thing he didn't try to sew Toji-san's wound shut earlier. The result would have been…

He can't even stab the needle where he wants it, even when holding the cloth as close to his hand as possible, and using a finger as a guide.

Both his hands are shaking, too.

There's blood on the thread.

Why can't he do just this single thing right ?

Yuuta stabs the needle through the kimono at random, before putting everything down. He sighs. He managed to bleed on Toji-san's kimono, too…

It's useless, isn't it ?

"Give me your hands."

He raises his head. Toji-san is sitting close, holding out a hand for Yuuta to put his own onto.

"You'll need new wraps," Toji-san says after examining Yuuta's now exposed palms, and the state of his wounds.

Then he picks up a small, oddly shaped container made of roughly weaved leaves. Puts a few fingers in it, emerging with a bit of greenish paste.

Yuuta used the last of their plants on the cut Rika-chan made, he is sure of that.

Maybe, just maybe, that knowledge is even more soothing than the yomogi on his wounds and Toji-san's hands on his.