A. N. : And we're back for another part, still following Yuuta's (mis)adventures, although we have a bit of a timeskip between this chapter and the previous one.

As always, I am posting annotations/research notes on my tumblr (crescentmoonrider) under the tag "manifesto commentary". If you're interested, just head over there ! I'm mentioning Barney the Purple Dinosaur in this one for some reason.

Please be aware that there's some implied sexual content in this one (although if you've seen an action movie not made by Disney, you've probably seen more explicit sex scenes before), as well as the usual anxiety and sads

Also Yuuta is aromantic. That one's not a warning, that's just how I write him


I need you, you need me (Won't you say you need me too)


It's been almost two years since Yuuta met Toji-san. The fact that Yuuta can know this, is able to feel time pass… it never fails to amaze him.

It's been almost two years since he started living again.

In that time, he's grown into his own, both literally and not. He might not know precisely his own age, but no one could mistake him for a child anymore. He's filled out, too, still scrawny, but not so unhealthy as he was before. Having Toji-san around to help out with the hunting and the scavenging, and especially with bargaining with the peasants they met while passing through villages – it was a blessing.

Having Toji-san around at all is a blessing.

The most important change in that time though, in Yuuta's own opinion, probably came in the way he holds himself. When before he walked with his head low, back hunched and gaze focused on the ground, he has now learned to emulate Toji-san's assured steps.

He carries himself the ways he carries the swords and bokutos resting on his back, strong and unflinching. Or he tries to, at least.

Faking assurance that he does not entirely feel yet, that he might never truly feel, especially when they come upon more frequented roads and Yuuta has to face the bad memories that come with interacting with other people – he can now somewhat convince both Rika-chan and strangers that he can stand on his own two legs. He really can, too, and that has got to be the truly incredible thing.

He is not a burden. He can defend himself, and that knowledge allows him to not even need to do so, most of the time. Rika-chan can stay by his side, and not need to hurt people.

That newfound assurance is why he and Toji-san have decided to try their luck in a city today. There are things you can't find anywhere else, after all, and avoiding larger settlements was always a bit of a problematic constraint, especially for Toji-san.

He likes the agitation, probably. That's what Yuuta thinks, at least. Toji-san enjoys the noise and the bustling streets and the opportunity for trouble.

Yuuta doesn't really enjoy any of that, but he is fine with following a few steps behind Toji-san and just looking around, at the various stalls, the foods he's never tried before, the colourful kimonos of the women around.

There's a lot to see, and while it's a little overwhelming, it's also fascinating. So long as Toji-san doesn't start a fight, at least.

It doesn't seem to be in his plans right now, thankfully, as he simply talks to a merchant, heavily laying on the charm to make the young woman lower her prices. Judging by how much she is laughing and how hard she is blushing, they'll probably have some very cheap food today.

That's another thing that took some time getting used to, Toji-san's habit of flirting with all and any people that might be susceptible to his charms, for fun or for profit. It was one thing to know, the "sleeping with a woman to get laundry done" comment from back when they met still haunting Yuuta to this day, mostly due to the utter bafflement he had felt hearing that – it's a whole other thing to see it take place in front of his very eyes.

Well, after the first few fishermen, merchants, and waitresses, and especially the food and clothes Toji-san earned this way, Yuuta got used to it. He can almost appreciate the craft now, the twist of Toji-san's smile and the way his scar highlights it, the lowering of his voice that makes his target feel like they're the only things worth speaking to in his eyes, the way he subtly leans into their personal space, close enough to feel almost intimate, but never pushing. The moment they take a step forward is the moment Yuuta knows they've lost, but he thinks Toji-san can see it even earlier.

It's almost an art form, honestly.

Toji-san laughs at all the right moments, leans forward as the merchant touches his shoulder, picks a nonexistent hair from the collar of her kimono. He says something Yuuta can't hear, that has the woman look to the side with her eyes almost closed.

She bites her bottom lip.

The food is quickly paid for after that, wrapped in paper that joins the bundle Toji-san carries on his shoulders. Utilities to him, weapons to Yuuta, that's what they decided on, after it became clear that Toji-san is maybe a little too quick to draw sometimes, and that Yuuta isn't allowed to touch some of Toji-san's possessions.

Which is why something twists inside of Yuuta's gut when Toji-san pauses for a moment, before handing him some of the money they earned by working here and there.

"Go buy yourself some noodles or whatever." Wha- "I'll meet you tomorrow by the east gate."

Oh.

Toji-san goes behind the stall to sit next to the merchant, who laughs, a hand in front of her mouth. He grins at her, then raises an eyebrow at Yuuta as if to ask why he hasn't left yet.

"Have fun," Yuuta smiles before turning around and walking away.

His cheeks are sore from just that much, from just the strain of faking a simple, happy goodbye. Not goodbye. See you later.

Not goodbye.

Yuuta looks around, at the crowd and the bustling streets and the stalls and the colourful kimonos, and he doesn't feel like sightseeing anymore. His fingers play with the rope holding the cloth sheath of the swords and bokutos to his back. The material is rough, and one time Yuuta burned his hand by letting it slip too fast. Toji-san had sighed and shaken his head and called him an idiot, with a smile that meant he found the situation very funny. Yuuta had laughed too, the irony of getting hurt not from the sharp, deadly weapons he carried, but from simple rope making him forget about the pain.

Toji-san had put some salve on the wound afterwards, his hands warm and comforting.

Yuuta's hands tighten around the rope, enough to leave a red mark when he lets go the very next moment. He wipes them on the side of his thighs, not sure if the dirt on them is real, or just the product of how sick he feels.

Rika-chan shivers around him, but he is too tired to figure out what she's feeling right now. Knowing her, it's probably just anger, although Yuuta has no idea who her target is.

He should probably buy some food for himself and retreat to a calmer place, a back-alley or something, before an accident happens.

He should, but the way his throat tightens at the thought, he might just throw up if he tries to eat.

He should leave town for today. Come back tomorrow morning and wait for Toji-san at the east gate.

Before an accident happens.

Shaking his head, Yuuta turns on his heels. He can't think like that. If he thinks about it too much, then Rika-chan will feel his unease, and then she'll be jittery in turn, and then…

Yuuta can wait until night to buy something to eat. Just… just the time for his insides to stop coiling around his heart. In the meantime he can look for somewhere quiet where he could sleep.

Toji-san taught him some tricks from his own time in the streets – avoid merchant and richer residential streets, the doshin are always on the lookout for burglars in those parts, and anyone who looks out of place is suspect. Bridges' undersides are nice when it rains, but there will always be someone there before you. Yuuta doesn't want to get into a fight, so he thinks he'll avoid that too. Plus, the weather is good today.

He just needs a quiet place. It's not like he's planning on sleeping a lot in the first place. Just a few hours, then he'll be off to the gate to wait for Toji-san. Toji-san never wakes up before dawn, even normally, but he didn't give Yuuta a time to meet up and maybe, just in case, just in case something goes wrong and he arrives early, just so he doesn't have to wait for Yuuta and doesn't have the time to wonder if maybe he should just –

No. No, no, not – not that. Yuuta can't think like that. It's wrong. He's wrong. He's just going to make Rika-chan nervous.

He breathes. Back against a wall, slightly hidden from the main street, Yuuta breathes.

"I'm fine, it's fine, just a bit tired. Sorry," he tells Rika-chan as she presses the tip of her fingers to his face. It's the closest she can manage to a caress, he knows.

He wishes he could embrace her back. Let her comfort him like she used to, when she was alive.

The most he can do though is lean into her touch and repeat his reassurances. He's fine. Nothing is wrong.

Nothing is wrong.

He lets himself drop to the ground, moves the swords off his back so they rest on the floor as well. Maybe… maybe he'll just stay here.

Breathing slowly, eyes closed, Yuuta sits with his back to the wall, listening to the chaos of the main street and the way it slowly fades away as the sun starts to set and the air grows colder. He holds the swords closer to his chest now, to hide their obviously suspect shape. It's one thing to have them on the road, where few people would risk giving him grief for breaking the law – it's a whole other thing to be found with swords stolen from the dead bodies of samurai in a big city like this one.

Being found guilty of theft and of carrying swords as a commoner… it would mean lashings and a criminal's markings. But if the investigation revealed the unnatural way the samurai died ? If he was accused of their murder ?

… Well, it's not like Rika-chan would allow anything to happen to him at all. That's kind of the problem.

He wonders, morbidly, how many people she could kill to keep him safe, how many deaths it would take for someone to reach him and finally end this.

Toji-san could do it. No collateral needed. But he said he doesn't want to, and Yuuta… Yuuta used to resent him a little for it. Now though, he…

He doesn't really know anymore.

It's still a reassuring thought, in any case. Toji-san killing him. Toji-san being able to kill him, no matter whether he actually wants to do it or not. Whether he's going to or not.

He could, that's what matters.

If one day things got completely out of hands, if Rika-chan turned into a full-fledged vengeful ghost somehow, or if Yuuta got in some real trouble… If there was no other option left.

Yuuta wants to live, he thinks. Or rather, he just doesn't want to die anymore. But without Toji-san around, he doesn't trust himself to do more good than harm quite yet. He tries, and he will keep on trying, for Rika-chan's sake if nothing else. He will do his best to keep her safe, keep her from worrying, keep her from having to do more horrible things. He will.

He hopes he can.

He hopes he can avoid being noticed by the doshin making rounds in the main street, too. He sees the light of the lantern, the way the shadows rearrange themselves around it, no longer hiding him as effectively as before. Hears the steps growing closer, then farther away as the doshin passes the alleyway Yuuta is sitting in.

Maybe if he pretends to sleep, he won't get in trouble even if the doshin sees him. It's not like it's a crime to sleep in the streets. He's not stealing or setting fire to anything, there's no reason anything should happen.

Then again, there doesn't need to be a reason. He knows that.

The light shines close to his face, blinding him for an instant.

"Oi. What are you doing out here ?"

Damn it.

Blinking quickly to chase off the lingering white spots from his vision, Yuuta does his best to look innocent. He is, hasn't done anything, but that hasn't ever saved anyone from trouble.

"I'm uh, I'm just trying to sleep, sir." He keeps his hands up, hunches closer to his knees in an attempt to hide the swords a bit better.

On the bright side, so long as the doshin doesn't ask Yuuta to open the sheath, there's no proof he isn't just carrying sticks or something. Which he is, the bokutos are sticks no matter what Toji-san says.

On the less bright side…

"I've never seen your face around here," the doshin says, probably aware that there's no way he would know all of the city's vagabonds. He just wants to make Yuuta stumble.

"I'm just passing through," Yuuta tries, "I didn't want to sleep on the road tonight. I'm leaving tomorrow. Sir."

The doshin tilts his head slightly, hums.

"I guess you could stay here for the night…" Yes. Please. "But you give me the creeps."

Oh come on.

"You just don't want to sleep in the wild, right ? Then jail for a night shouldn't be any trouble. You even get a roof this way, hah !"

He leans down, extends his arm.

Yuuta bolts.

The doshin manages to grab his wrist, and Yuuta knows he isn't strong enough to get out of that grip on his own. He is weak, and therefore he can't fight the same way Toji-san would.

He kicks the sheath hanging from his shoulder, with the swords and the bokutos inside, aiming for the doshin's arm.

"Ouch !"

The doshin cries out, loosens his grip for a second, and Yuuta starts running again.

He can't afford to stick around, even if he kind of worries he might have aimed wrong and injured the doshin instead of just lightly bruising him. He just runs.

Hopes the doshin will understand Yuuta really isn't looking for a fight.

The quick footsteps following him closely douse the little flicker of hope he had, though. Running is… he can walk for hours no problem, but he's not good at running, be it fast or for long. And he doesn't know this place, so for all he knows he might be heading straight into a dead end.

Maybe it's that hesitation that does it, or maybe it's just his weak body – a hand on his shoulder pulls him back, he stumbles, feels an arm around his chest restraining him, turns and hits blindly, his feet getting tangled up and –

Yuuta falls.

He feels his back hitting the ground, thinks his head did too, with the way the world slows and almost comes to a stop.

He can see a small cut-out of the sky, between the dark silhouettes of the houses around him. Can see the doshin, face lit up slightly from a source Yuuta can't see. The lantern just fell with them, probably. There's anger on the doshin's face, and also… fear ? He pushes Yuuta down with all his weight, straddling him and entangling their legs together to keep him immobilized, and he looks scared, scared, scared…

Rika-chan above them is furious.

"Don't –"

Yuuta struggles to free himself as Rika-chan's hand swipes down, claws aimed at the doshin's head. One arm free, the doshin fights back and Yuuta is losing time.

He pushes.

Shouts.

"Stop !"

Warm blood spills on his face, Rika-chan's claw stopping suns away from his nose.

The doshin looks down at him, then to the left, where Rika-chan left a deep cut into his cheek. Yuuta's elbow is digging into the man's neck, but he doesn't dare move. He just stares down, blood slowly dripping on Yuuta.

It sounds like rain, almost.

And Rika-chan doesn't move.

"It's alright," Yuuta says softly. "It's alright. You don't need to be scared. I'm not going anywhere."

Rika-chan dissipates into the night, curls up against him like his own shadow given life.

The doshin lets out a strangled, almost offended "What !?". Yuuta sighs. Lets his head fall back to the ground, uses his free arm to wipe some of the blood off his face. He tunes out the aimless ramblings of the doshin, closes his eyes for a moment, breathless, too happy to pay attention to anything but the beating of his own heart and the wisps of Rika-chan pooling around his body.

He stopped her.

He stopped her from killing someone who isn't Toji-san, without needing to use himself as a shield.

He…

There's a warm fire burning in Yuuta's stomach, bright like the flames flickering to his side.

Huh.

"I think your lantern is starting a fire, sir."

The doshing scrambles to his feet, swears, tries to put down the fire by stomping on it, and Yuuta just looks, still on the ground.

An idea tickles his brain. He might be going a little mad, he thinks.

He licks his lips.

"Rika-chan, do you think you could… ?"

A breath, like a gust of wind, and Rika-chan slams her hand on the ground, laughing.

She turns to him. Beams.

"Yuuta… !"

"Yeah ! You did great !"

He laughs, sitting up and letting her embrace him as she grows shapeless once more and comes back to his side.

The doshin looks at the shape of Rika-chan's hand in the ground, where his foot used to be not a moment ago. He raises a hand to his cheek. Looks at Yuuta.

"I…"

He closes his mouth, unsure. Opens it again.

Yuuta gets up. He tries to stand like Toji-san does, wordlessly daring the doshin to bother him again. See if he can deal with the consequences.

Hopefully it will have the same effect as when Toji-san does it. Yuuta isn't sure he could stop Rika-chan again, if the doshin really tried to hurt him.

"Look." The doshin scratches his head. "I can't – you can't stay here. Anyone could come around and, I don't know, try to mug you or whatever. And…" He looks at the shape of Rika-chan's hand again. "Someone could die."

"I'll just run."

Yuuta can't see the expression on the doshin's face clearly in the dark, but something tells him the man isn't impressed.

"I have to meet with a friend tomorrow. I can't go to jail."

If that wasn't the case, if Toji-san was here, none of this would be happening.

The knot in Yuuta's chest comes back, strangling the joy he felt a moment ago.

"Yeah, I, I'm not – leaving you in there. It wouldn't be good. Whatever is up with you, it's just…"

He doesn't finish his sentence, seems to think for a moment, before –

"Follow me."

Yuuta blinks. The doshin doesn't even bother gathering the remnants of his lantern before walking away. When he doesn't hear Yuuta's footsteps behind him, he stops. Turns around.

"I don't have all night, you know. The yoriki will get on my ass if something happens during my shift."

"Oh. Of course." Yuuta starts walking. Then, "Where are we going ?"

"The barracks. You can sleep in my room, no one will disturb you."

… Yuuta guesses that's a better option than jail. Less risky than the street, too. Staying at a doshin's place doesn't sound great, but this one shouldn't cause any more trouble for Yuuta. Not after seeing what Rika-chan can do.

All in all, it might not be such a bad idea.

Entering the small room, Yuuta thinks this might actually even be a good idea. There's a roof ! And tatamis on the floor ! And no bugs !

"Futon's over here. Do whatever, just don't cause trouble. And don't go out." A pause, the doshin passes his thumb under the cut on his cheek. "I'll be back at the hour of the ox after my shift, so don't freak out."

He doesn't say "don't kill me thinking I'm an intruder", but Yuuta gets the message. Rika-chan isn't that jumpy, but somehow he doubts the doshin would believe it if Yuuta told him.

When the door closes, the darkness grows into something almost palpable, undisturbed by the lights of the sky or by the unlit oil lamp in the room. Like this, Yuuta can almost feel Rika-chan sitting next to him the way she used to be, and not the sometimes misty, sometimes monstrous form she takes on now.

He settles with his back against a wall, unwilling to let go of the ghostly sensation of Rika-chan leaning against him, and thinking the doshin would probably like to have the futon when he comes back.

The sound of the door sliding open wakes him up.

It feels like no time at all has passed, to the point that Yuuta hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep, and yet it must be the hour of the ox now, since the one lighting the oil lamp is the doshin from before.

Yuuta watches him yawn, rub his eyes, stretch his neck…

"Long night ?"

The doshin nearly falls over at that. Ah, did he forget about Yuuta ?

"What the- what the fuck are you doing here !?"

"… Waiting ? You're the one who-"

"No, yes, I know that, I… Why aren't you sleeping ?"

"I was."

"Here !?" Then, as Yuuta tries to remind him once more that the doshin himself asked him to stay in this house, "I mean, here. Just, sitting on the floor. You know there's a futon, I showed it to you, so why would you just."

He gestures vaguely at Yuuta. Mumbles angrily.

"Scared the shit out of me. D'you think you're in a bad ghost story or what ?"

And, well…

"Don't answer that," the doshin adds, apparently only just now remembering about Rika-chan.

As he lays down the futon, though, he still can't seem to let it go.

"Did you want to scare me ? Is that why-"

"What ?" It occurs to Yuuta that he really didn't make a good impression on the man. Which, fair, but still. "No, I, I just thought… you've been working all night, so… you'd probably want to sleep well afterwards. In your own bed. I'm used to worse conditions anyway."

The doshin looks at him in a way Yuuta doesn't get.

"You're…"

He seems to change his mind. Pats the futon down one last time. Undresses for what little of the night is left.

As he slides under the cover, though, he sits upright and turns to Yuuta once more.

"I don't get why a good guy like you would risk staying the night in town, what with… you know."

… A good guy ?

"I, uh," Yuuta's voice shakes a little from the unexpected compliment. "I told you, I'm, I'm meeting with a friend, so…"

"You could have waited outside. Meet them after the city opens. That way no one gets hurt."

"No, but, it's, what if I'm late and Toji-san leaves ?"

"Well then I'm sorry to say but your guy fucking sucks."

"He doesn't ! You don't, you don't know him."

Yuuta's gut twists as he tries, almost desperately, to find convincing words.

"Sure, maybe he's not very nice, but he. He's not a bad person. He accepts to travel with someone like me, and he took care of me when my hands were injured and… and…"

And he helped Yuuta hate himself a little less.

"You…" the doshin starts, softly, then frowns in realization. "Wait, you travel together ? Why'd you need to meet him here then ?"

Toji-san's grin when he sat next to the merchant is painted inside of Yuuta's eyelids as he closes his eyes for an instant. He swallows down the unpleasant feelings that surely come from Rika-chan and the way she coils around his throat.

"He's…" The doshin doesn't need to know, really, but for some reason Yuuta wants him to. "He's spending the night with a woman."

"Ooh… That's gotta be rough for you, man."

The doshin's eyes are sympathetic and kind, and Yuuta thinks maybe… maybe that's what he wanted.

"But man, for him to just leave his lover alone like that and go sleep with some girl… you sure you want to stay with that kind of guy ?"

What.

"What."

"Hm ?"

"I'm, we're not… What ?" Yuuta can't help but laugh, awkwardly. What kind of weird misunderstanding is that ?

"You're not ?" Yuuta shakes his head. "Huh. Guess he's not as much of a dick, then." Of course ! Yuuta is the unreasonable one, getting upset at nothing ! "The way you talked about him, I thought…"

… What ?

"It's unrequited, then ? That sucks."

"I'm… I don't understand ?"

He really doesn't.

"You like him, don't you ?"

And, well, Yuuta can't say he doesn't. Toji-san is fun to be around a lot of the time, always having a sarcastic comment up his sleeve or some weird anecdote from his time on the street. Yuuta likes his company, and most of all he likes that he can have that company at all. He likes that Toji-san chooses to stay by his side.

Isn't that normal ?

"That's why you're jealous of that woman, isn't it ?"

And no, no ! That has nothing to do with this ! Toji-san's been flirting with so many people, Yuuta would have noticed earlier if he didn't like it ! It's just this time, this one time…

He shakes his head again.

"No ? You don't want to be in her place ? You don't want this Toji-san of yours to hold you ? Don't think of him when you're touching yourself ?"

The doshin's voice is almost a whisper now, and yet Yuuta can't seem to ignore it. He wants to cover his ears. He wants to, and yet…

He's never… he's never thought of Toji-san in that way. Sure, Toji-san is good looking, and Yuuta has stared at his arms in envy more than once, but this ? The thought of Toji-san holding him, his callused hands on Yuuta's body, as warm as when he held Yuuta's hands…

Yuuta hasn't ever thought about it, but now he can't seem to stop.

And still the doshin is looking at him in that unreadable way.

Yuuta brings his knees closer to his chest, awkwardly trying to hide the heat building in his stomach. He wants… he wants to hide, to disappear, to find himself somewhere quiet where he can take care of those new, unexpected fantasies and the way they set his body and mind ablaze, on his own.

He wants the doshin's eyes to stay on him.

"I…" Yuuta's voice cracks before he can figure out what he's trying to say.

The doshin doesn't give him the time to think about it any longer.

"Sorry," he says. "I was just teasing you, but… yeah, sorry. I went too far."

Yuuta can only nod. The doshin is still watching him in that odd way, like… like he wants Yuuta. Still, the man doesn't do anything but say goodnight, blowing on the lamp's tiny flame to return the room to darkness.

And Yuuta could leave it at that. Could just close his eyes, try to go back to sleep for the few hours left until dawn.

Or he could…

He could get up. Walk across the small room, doing his best to avoid the low table. He could feel his way to the doshin's shoulder, hesitantly shaking it to get attention.

He could ask, quietly, if they could… if the doshin would be alright with holding him, even though it's late and he probably wants to sleep and –

Fabric rustles, the doshin grabs Yuuta's hand and sits up, presses his forehead against Yuuta's, as his other hand finds the crook of Yuuta's neck.

"Come here," he says, fingers sliding under Yuuta's collar.

His hands are warm.

Yuuta leans forward, closes his eyes, feels the way his kimono slides off his shoulders, the way the doshin's hands move against his body, making him shiver.

A hand on his hip, the other on his chest, pushing him down as the doshin presses kisses along Yuuta's jaw and throat. Yuuta lies on his back, watches the doshin's backlit silhouette above him as the man grinds down slowly, as their legs tangle together and –

Yuuta gasps.

Rika-san stares at him through the doshin's head, and Yuuta knows, knows that the moment he gets hurt even slightly, even on accident, Rika-chan will do as she always does and he won't be able to stop her.

Even as he wraps his arms around the doshin in a semblance of protectiveness, even as he silently mouths that he wants this, please Rika-chan don't, even then he knows that nothing he does will stop her.

All he can do is stare at her and hold onto the man who might soon not be one anymore if Rika-chan decides so, and wait for everything to be over.

Yuuta leaves before the sun rises, when the sky is still dark enough that no one else would be up, but not so dark as to be truly night anymore. He doesn't wake the doshin.

It's rude, he knows, but it's for the best.

He cleans up quickly at the nearest well, letting the cold water wash away the gross and sticky leftovers of the night. The sensation of failure doesn't go away, though. Neither does the anxiety building inside his gut, or the nausea it brings.

He needs to hurry to the gate.

He needs to see Toji-san.

The night watch looks at Yuuta oddly, probably wondering what he's doing here before the city has even opened, but doesn't say anything.

Dark ink turns to white as the sun starts to emerge, then to orange and yellow and pink and blue as it rises higher and higher. The uneasiness gripping Yuuta's body makes his eyes water. Or maybe that's from watching dawn march on without blinking.

Without daring to blink.

Please. Please please please please.

He wonders what the emotion twisting his insides is called.

The relief that washes over him when he sees Toji-san arrive, hours after the break of day, almost drowns him. He can't seem to breathe for an instant, the air remaining blocked inside his throat along with his heart.

There's fire, too, burning so hot he has to grind his teeth to avoid –

He doesn't think he can blame this one on Rika-chan. Not when she is the one curling around him in comfort while he stands there, unable to walk up to Toji-san and greet him properly.

Toji-san waves lazily when he reaches Yuuta, says they might as well leave now. He got some free food they can eat on the way. Yuuta nods. Follows.

His jaw hurts.

They stop after maybe half an hour of walking, next to Ojizou-sama. Toji-san offers Yuuta an onigiri, which he accepts without a word.

There's no telling what would come out of his mouth if he were to talk.

"So," Toji-san starts as Yuuta takes a bite out of his food. Oh, it's salted plum, "did you have fun yesterday ? Eat anything good ?"

His gaze is pointed as always, focused on Yuuta as he chews and tries to force the right words out of his mouth, and not whatever is tearing through his chest, sharp as Rika-chan's claws.

"It was," Yuuta didn't eat anything last night, let alone something good. "Normal."

"… Normal."

"Yes."

"Is that why you got blood on your clothes ?"

Ah. Right. The doshin did get injured when Rika-chan… Yuuta had felt the blood splatter on his face, but he hadn't thought about his kimono.

He amends his statement.

"I got in a bit of trouble with the machikata, nothing bad."

Looking down at the state of his clothes, Yuuta realizes they aren't as dirty as Toji-san's words made it seem. He could've just said he had a nosebleed. Damn it.

"That's supposed to reassure me ?"

"That's –"

"Either it's your blood and Rika probably killed whoever did it, or it's not and the machikata want you dead now. Either way, we can't go back to this city. How is this normal ?"

"I stopped her."

A pause. Toji-san looks at Yuuta in disbelief.

"She didn't, she didn't kill anyone. Just cut the doshin's cheek a little. He was fine when I left. So, if you want to go back, it's fine."

It isn't, not really.

"You… stopped her ? You – why didn't you –" A breath. "That's great, Yuuta ! It's great ! You should be bragging about that, not calling it normal ! What the fuck is wrong with you ?"

Yuuta thinks back to the breathless relief he felt when Rika-chan came back to him, even though the doshin was still immobilizing him. Thinks back to the terror of seeing her again, in a similar but different context, and the taste of failure in his mouth as the doshin lay boneless by his side, alive only by chance.

There's a lot wrong with him, he thinks.

He grabs another onigiri to fill the silence suffocating him as Toji-san stares. Mustard leaf, this time. He makes a face.

"Y'said the doshin got injured though, right ? How come he let you go ?"

Ah… of course Toji-san would pick up on this.

"He, uh, Rika-chan scared him, so he thought putting me in jail would be too dangerous. For everyone else."

"But letting you go free wasn't ? Hah !"

Toji-san's laugh is cruel, probably because of his dislike for the machikata, and also because, well, it would have been a pretty irresponsible decision if the doshin had actually done that.

Yuuta doesn't need to add anything. He could let Toji-san call the doshin an incompetent bastard and move on. Let him think Yuuta's night went by normally after that initial encounter.

Yuuta doesn't need to say anything.

"He offered to let me stay in his room for the night, actually."

The thing twisting and clawing inside of him, though, wants to. He doesn't know why. Doesn't understand.

There's a bitter taste in Yuuta's mouth, like sharp edges and mustard leaf.

"He what ?" Then, "please tell me you didn't do that."

Yuuta shrugs, falsely nonchalant.

"It sounded better than sleeping in the street. Quieter, too. He was only there for a few hours once his shift was over, so I got to sleep before that."

Toji-san's jaw clenches.

"And you just – Yuuta, you know samurai can't be trusted !" There's something tense in his voice, almost fearful. "What if he took advantage of," Toji-san's eyes widen for an instant, "did he try something ? Did he do something to you ? Is that why you didn't want to talk before ?"

It should feel good, Toji-san's worry, his anger at the thought of someone hurting Yuuta. Should feel warm. Should make Yuuta smile and reassure Toji-san and apologize for worrying him.

Instead, Yuuta just laughs, bitter and mean, sharp like Rika-chan's claws and the sword Toji-san gave him.

Like the sword Toji-san taught him to use.

"Oh, please ! The last person who tried to do that without my consent was your cousin, and I'm sure you remember what Rika-chan did with him." Blood and flesh and bones, not even human anymore, and Yuuta is so angry he doesn't care. Maybe angry isn't the right word. He doesn't know. He feels like throwing up. "So really, I don't know why you're so worried." Is that really his voice ? It doesn't sound like him. "Or do you just think I can't decide to spend the night with someone ? Because if so," it feels like wood splinters are lodged inside his throat, painful and raw and Yuuta claws at his own neck, at the phantom sensation, as he spits them out, "then you're a fucking hypocrite."

He expects Toji-san to maybe be stunned, to give him the time to catch his breath before he answers Yuuta's words. That's not the case.

"You… why the fuck are you angry ? And wait, you're pissed at me ? So you just, fucked a doshin !? Couldn't you at least find someone less disgusting if you wanted to… what did you even want to do with that ? Make me jealous ? Is that it ? Because that's fucking stupid ! And why are you even angry, it's not like we're-"

"I was scared !"

At this, Toji-san stops talking.

Yuuta's eyes sting.

"You- Don't-" He tries to breathe through the twisted knot in his throat. "I don't care if you think I did something gross, I just. I was," the feeling he was trying to keep at bay and hide all this time emerges from the torrent of words, like Yuuta's very own ghost, "terrified. I thought maybe, maybe you would have so much fun, and I only ever cause trouble for you anyway, of course you wouldn't want to come back. I don't want to be alone, I didn't, it didn't matter who it was, I just… I thought if I could, I don't know, do something normal people do ? Maybe I could live on my own, maybe, even if you get tired of me, I could still want to live." Yuuta wipes a tear from his face, head low. "It didn't work, by the way. It, Rika-chan was there the whole time and I thought she was going to kill him and I was. I was scared. I can't go back to who I was before, I can't…" His voice cracks. "I don't want to be alone anymore."

There's relief, somehow, among the tears and the feelings he's imposing on Toji-san. Relief at getting it out, at finally putting words on the anxiety that was eating at him ever since Toji-san left him yesterday. The lifting of a weight from Yuuta's shoulders.

At the same time, there's shame, crushing, pressing on him so hard he can't even look up. Can't look at Toji-san anymore.

How could he, when his true self is nothing more than a leech ? When he is burdening Toji-san with that knowledge ?

Yuuta stares at the ground. Flinches when he hears Toji-san's voice once more.

"You… you've been feeling like that since we separated ?"

Yuuta nods.

"Why didn't you tell me ?"

"I…" Yuuta's voice sticks to the inside of his lungs. He takes a slow breath, tries to get the air out. "I couldn't ? I mean, I just, I don't want to make you feel bad, or," breathe, just breathe, "or stop you from having fun. It's your life, it's, I don't have the right to tell you what to do. And I already, I'm always trouble, with Rika-chan and how much you already do for me, it's not, it's not my place. It wouldn't be fair of me, to ask you to stay. It wouldn't be fair."

Toji-san doesn't say anything. Of course he doesn't, what could he even answer to that ? It's all true. Yuuta doesn't have the right to stop him from living his life, from having his fun, even if it means Toji-san will realize how much he's missing out on by staying with Yuuta.

Even if he decides to leave for good.

There's a sigh, deep and so full of potential meaning it makes Yuuta shiver. He's said too much, he's made Toji-san feel bad, he –

Feels a hand on his head.

Toji-san pulls Yuuta against his chest awkwardly, his warm hand remaining on Yuuta's head as if to protect him, like the hats the old man gifted to Ojizou-sama.

"I'm not going anywhere," he says. "I need you. You know that, right ?"

Yuuta doesn't. He shakes his head, pressed between Toji-san's hand and the side of his breast, shoulder uncomfortably twisted to avoid stabbing Toji-san in the ribs.

"You're the only one who sees any good in my worst part," Toji-san says. Yuuta doesn't know what he's talking about. "Even Okiku, she just didn't care about that. She couldn't see, so it didn't matter to her that I couldn't either. But you… you said you're glad." His voice shakes a little. "You said you're glad. So, it's fine if you… if you can't live on your own anymore. If you need me. 'Cause I'm the same."

Oh.

They stay like that for a while, even though it's a bit painful and the rising sun makes Yuuta's brow sweat where his head lies against the heavy fabric of Toji-san's clothes. The hand is warm, and it should only add to Yuuta's discomfort, but instead it feels like home.

Rika-chan coils around him, too, cold enough to help with the heat, warm in her intentions. She doesn't let her wisps near Toji-san's hand, even though she is otherwise wrapping herself all over Yuuta.

Yuuta isn't sure if it's because she dislikes Toji-san, or because the hand is warm and soothing, and she knows Yuuta doesn't want it gone yet.

He is thankful nonetheless.

"Did you…" he starts, quiet, still against Toji-san's breast. "Did you have fun ? Last night ?"

Toji-san hums, the sound resonating inside of Yuuta like a taiko drum's.

"Ah… well… let's just say that, you know, at least she was cute ? Yeah."

He shrugs, destabilizing Yuuta's already precarious position. Yuuta tries to catch himself before he lands face-first into Toji-san's lap, props himself up with his elbow, accidentally puts all of his weight onto Toji-san's thigh, earning himself a "ouch !" and a shove.

From where he now lies on the ground, Yuuta can see Ojizou-sama's peaceful face watching over him, head perfectly safe under his hat, can see the sky and the clouds passing over the world, can see Toji-san, still sitting nearby, massaging his inner thigh with a pained expression and an exaggerated whine in his voice.

Yuuta laughs, and Toji-san follows in turn.