Fucking Gravity

Chapter 18

Even before I open my eyes, I know that it's going to be a bad day. Nausea rolls through me, there is a terrible taste in my mouth, my body feels stiff and aching, and it feels like a base drummer has taken up residence in my skull. This is all before I open my eyes, and realize I don't quite remember coming over to Kim's- all before flashes from the night before start carding through my brain- bringing with them the wave of emotions I had experienced.

I gasp, sitting up, and then clutch at my shoulder with a whimper. I vaguely recall charging full tilt into several walls.

I was in the woods. Seth found me. He was being so kind- I just wanted to tell him- just wanted to let someone be there for me, for once- just wanted him to keep me safe. And then Leah.

That blind anger. Blood. Terror and heartbreak and no longer feeling safe- not with her.

And that's all I can remember. Why can't I remember?

I jump as the bed shifts under someone's weight, and then flinch as a tan hand reaches out (it's his hand- then it's her's). Kim pushes back my hair from my face, and I relax slightly.

"Hey, it's okay- you're okay," she soothes, speaking to me in a voice that I've never heard her use before. She looks like she's the one who had a night with a bottle of Jack Daniel's, instead of me- hair wild, bags drooping her eyes. How the fuck did I get here? What the fuck happened after I left Leah's?

"My- my dad- did you call him?" I gasp as it occurs to me that, showing up as I probably did, might warrant a call to parents (if not to the hospital).

"No." She reaches out again to lay a hand on my on shoulder. I don't know why I still flinch. Maybe it's because of the way she's looking at me- like I'm something fragile- something halfway to broken. She's never looked at me like this before. Her eyes soften even further as she pulls back. "Seth suggested that we should hold off calling him."

"Seth said?" My voice wavers. "He's okay?" From the warbling images playing out in my head, I thought he might have died- that Leah- that she might have killed him. If he weren't wolf, he would have been killed- I'm certain of it.

And he told them not to call my dad. Does that mean he put it together? He must, at least, suspect.

"Yeah, Bright-eyes. He's okay. Wolves heal quick." She appraises me, like she thinks I might bolt. "You want to tell me what happened last night?"

"You've talked to Seth; didn't he tell you?"

"Humor me," she retorts impassively. "I want you to tell me your side."

"I got drunk, Seth tried to take care of me, but there was a misunderstanding, and L-Leah snapped." Even recalling that much brings images of rage and blood and fear- and my heart aches. It feels like I've lost something precious.

"How did you get these," she yanks at the hem of the shirt I'm in (a shirt that doesn't belong to me). She manages to lift it to the bottom of my ribs before I yank it back down.

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Did Seth do it?" That's insane- that's absolutely insane.

"No-"

"Did Leah do it?"

"No, no-"

"Well, someone had to have done that to you," she seethes, "-was it your dad?"

My jaw locks. Kim's eyes widen. I finally manage to get my vocal cords in order. "It's not-"

"No!" she snaps. Her chest heaves. "Shit." She stares at me, wheels in her mind turning. "Fuck, Fay! Tell me this was the first time!"

She seizes my arms, nearly shaking me. Her eyes are wild.

"It was the first-" she does shake me.

"Bullshit; tell me the fucking truth! How long?!" I don't know what she wants from me. I just know that she's gripping my bruise.

"Let go; you're hurting me," I try to pull away.

She wrenches herself away instantly, hands curling into her chest. "Fuck. Fuck- I'm sorry. Just. Tell me. Please."

My headache hammers at the inside of my brain, and my skin itches- feels tight- in stress and frustration. "Fucking always, okay?!" I burst, feeling stretched thin. Part of me whispers 'finally, finally, finally,' while another part screams 'hide, hide, hide!' "Now just leave it alone!"

Kim recoils, as if I lashed out with my fists. She stares with shining, horror filled, eyes. She stares as if realizing everything she's known of the world is wrong, and it's tumbling down around her ears.

She loves my dad. Probably more than I ever could manage. But he's never hid his true colors from me. I'm probably the only one he ever shows- who ever sees him. I wonder if my mother ever saw him- if she regretted, on her death bed, leaving me with him.

I can't keep watching as she wilts, so I turn my eyes to my hands clenched in the sheets.

I've gone my whole life hiding this. Figures it would all come out a few months before I'm done with it all.

Everything was perfect. I should have expected it to come crashing down.

"You- you never wanted to go home- always wanted to go to my house. You'd complain, and I'd just brush you off- tell you to suck it up."

"You didn't know the extent. I was always very careful."

"But, why?" She's gentle this time when she reaches out, pushing my hair back and capturing my face in both her hands. It forces me to meet her solemn eyes. "Why hide it at all? Why not tell someone- tell me?"

"Because I learned not to. I didn't even know that what he did wasn't normal until that time in third grade and the teacher heard us talking. When she pulled me aside."

"I remember that day," her brows furrow. "It was the first time I ever saw you get in trouble. I thought it was funny."

"Well, she called my dad. And the school called a social worker. When they finally left the house, he taught me why I can't ever tell. They didn't believe me, anyway."

"I believe you, Fay. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

I didn't know that I had a seed of anger, just a small one, towards Kim until the moment she apologizes. Apologizes for not noticing something I did my damn best to hide from her. How can that make sense, to resent her for falling for the mask I manipulated her into accepting?

And then that seed is suddenly yanked free from my chest, and I feel… a strange peace. Nothing overwhelming or truly profound, but like I managed to take a breath- just one breath.

"Fuck, Kim, when did you get so weepy?"

She laughs, the tears that have been teetering in her eyes spilling over.

A commotion outside pulls at my attention, and we both turn our heads to the window. Kim is on her feet in one fluid motion and pressing her face to the pane to see.

Her face darkens, and she wipes the tears from her cheeks. "I'll be right back," she says, and storms from the room. A moment later, the noises get louder, rising to near shouting levels.

I climb out of bed, pausing to grab a pair of pants out of one of Kim's drawers.

I freeze just inside the front door, seeing Leah there on the lawn. She looks a mess, trembling and pacing, as Kim, her mom, and Jared create a barrier between her and the front door.

Leah runs both of her hands through her hair in what clearly isn't the first pass. "I-I just need to see her- she was hurt- and I need to explain-"

"And I said now isn't the time," Kim snarls.

"Now, I don't know what's going on, Leah, but you need to calm down," Ms. Connweller says sternly. "You can come back later."

"I'm not going to- to fucking hurt her; just let me see her!" She moves forward like she's at her wits end and just plans to bulldoze her way in, but Kim boldly gets in front of her.

My heart jolts as Leah's arms tremble and she snarls, sounding unhinged. Jared moves forward quickly with his own warning rumble, to put himself between his girlfriend and the perceived threat, but Leah is already backing up quick, taking deep, gulping, breaths in an effort to calm down.

She looks up and spots me.

"Fay," she says, drawing everyone's attention to the doorway.

"Fay, go back inside," Kim says, "You don't need to deal with this right now."

My heart thunders with adrenaline, fear still seeping into my veins from seeing my best friend put herself in the wolf's way. For me. After what she knows Leah did to Seth.

"It's okay," I say, stepping fully out onto the porch. "Just… give us a moment."

Kim hesitates, before tugging her mother toward the door. I know we're going to have to give the woman some sort of explanation after this, of why all of us aren't at school- why I showed up at her house at some point in the middle of the night- why Leah is making a big scene is her front lawn.

Jared lingers a moment, shooting a warning look at Leah (but her eyes are only for me- hungrily drinking in my face- darkening on my bruised cheek), before following after his girlfriend.

"Fay, I-" she starts toward me, and I instinctively take a jolting step back. Her face crumples. "I would never hurt you."

"You hurt Seth." That's the main thing circling my head as I look at her. His bloody face. My pleas for her to stop- falling on deaf ears. My stomach still turns in nausea, but that might just be the hangover.

She blinks back tears, and I can see that she regrets it. She regrets her loss of control- but that doesn't change the fact that it happened. "I- I couldn't think- I thought he-"

"It was Seth. He's your brother. I know you love your brother. And you hurt him. I begged you to stop. Why didn't you stop?" Tears clog my throat, and it feels like snot might start streaming out of my nose any second. I'm so tired of crying.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to," she sobs suddenly. The sound tears at my heart. Because I love this girl. Despite being terrified of her, right now, I fucking love her.

"I can't do this," I whisper. I shouldn't have done this- because after yesterday, I finally remember why I was resisting in the first place. I knew what I was getting into. I knew it- so I shouldn't be surprised this is the way it ends.

"What?" Leah rasps.

Panic surges though me. I don't want to do this. I don't want to break her heart. I don't want to break mine.

"I can't do this," I snivel, hugging myself. My head aches. My ankle aches. My back aches. "Leah- I- I can't."

She fists her hands in her hair and bends double. "Don't say that, please don't say that. I love you!"

I love you. Not our solum exchanges of 'I hate you.' I love you, said out loud, real, a plea. A plea drowning in memories of kisses, warm touches, laughter, fire, happiness I never knew I could feel. Love, love, love, love.

"It's not enough," a wretched cry tears through my raw, clogged, throat, and I stumble with the force of it. "Can't you see it's not enough?"

Then I turn and bolt because I can't do this- can't watch her break down, same as me, and convince myself that my words are true. It's not enough. Just love isn't enough. Not if I'm always wondering, in the back of my head, if she can almost kill her brother (who I know she loves more than anything), what's to stop her from ever losing it on me?

Kim is at my side as soon as I slam the door behind me. Which is good, because I instantly start to collapse, unable to hold myself up from the strength of my bawling.

I didn't know heartbreak would feel like this. I didn't know anything could hurt worse than my father's anger. Surely Leah's wrath on my body wouldn't hurt as bad as this, right now, in my heart (I hate the part of me that thinks- maybe- it would be worth it).

Kim lowers me to the ground, supporting all my weight, and I cling to her- my best friend- my lifeline. She rocks me and soothes me and, when I start to hyperventilate, she doesn't let me go tearing after Leah to take it all back.

"You're okay, you're okay," she murmurs, even knowing for absolute certain that it's not true. Still, it's a nice lie- one I've been telling myself since I could speak.

Funny how it's only now, for the first time not having my breakdown in solitude, that I can acknowledge the deception.


A/N: Oh, the damage I can do. The damage I am doing. And I don't even regret it. I think I'm tampering my darker urges fairly well, don't you? No? Alright then.

Please review.

~Silver~