Daddy's Little Girl
Today I'm not replying to all of you personally since I just don't have the energy to do so anymore. Today hate won and I cannot even express how disappointed and sad I am over the election of Donald Trump.
But I still firmly believe that love trumps hate and that we should build bridges instead of walls.
That being said, this chapter reflects my mood perfectly. #imstillwithher
Doom Day
A week later Savannah had left. The two women had cried at the airport and promised to call every day (which they did) and visit each other more often, or at least as often as their schedules would allow it. When Addison made her way down the stairs on this rainy April morning she had no idea what day it even was since she had been incredibly busy at work and with all the activities her daughter had planned for the both of them. When she opened up the newspaper at the breakfast table she looked up at Richard in utter shock.
"Is today the seventh? April seventh?" Her voice was shaky and tears were welling up in her eyes. She felt like she couldn't breathe anymore.
"Yeah. What's wrong with the se—" And then he wasn't only hit by the other part of the paper his wife had been reading but also with the realization of what had happened on April seventh two years ago and his face fell. "Addie, I'm so sorry, I didn't…" But she wasn't listening anymore. She was only staring into space before she got up and muttered something about having to go to work.
"Addison, you don't have to work today, really, stay home." Richard said quickly as he and Adele followed her to the door where she was already putting her coat on.
"No, I'm fine." Of course everyone knew that wasn't true but she had already walked out of the door. Today was a day like any other and the last thing she needed was to sit at home and have those horrible memories that were already trying to make their way into her thoughts.
xxx
"So, what are your plans for tonight?" Derek had been grinning until she had turned around and he could immediately tell that something was wrong. Really wrong. "Are you okay?"
"Derek, I can't do this anymore." She whispered and saw the confusion on his face. "You and me, I can't." She clarified and quickly turned around, leaving a very stunned and confused Derek behind. What had happened? They had talked on the phone the night before and everything had been fine and now she was ending everything between them for no reason? He felt his heart sink when he only thought of the possibility of losing her. He had to find her and talk to her.
But when he saw Grace sitting on one of the gurneys close to Richard's office he noticed that she had almost the same expression on her face as her mother had had before.
"Sweetheart, are you alright? Why aren't you at home?"
"I wanted to spend the day with uncle Richard but he got paged and now I'm waiting for my mommy because uncle Richard sent her home…" She didn't look up at him but only sighed.
"Grace, what's going on?" Derek questioned softly as he sat down to her.
"Today is the day my daddy died." She slowly looked up at him and there were tears in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry, honey." He stroked her curls when she wrapped her arms around him and began to cry. Derek felt his heart break when he felt the silent sobs that went through Grace's small body and he knew that feeling just too well. Every year on the anniversary of his father's death he took the day off and just blankly stared out of the window.
"Do you still miss your daddy?" After a few minutes Grace had pulled back a little to look up at Derek.
"Every day." He admitted and wiped the tears away from her cheeks. He had told Addison that it got easier not to miss someone but easier from feeling absolutely numb still wasn't really good. But then his pager beeped and he quickly glanced at it - 911. "Are you okay to wait for your mommy?"
"Yeah, thank you." She gave him a slight smile and another hug before he had to run down the hallway again. Derek knew he really had to talk to Addison but she didn't need that right now, she probably felt awful and he could only understand her too well.
xxx
Addison had been miserable and she had felt terrible about the way she had acted towards Derek and felt like she owed him an explanation. But that night she had looked at her wedding album she had hidden all the way in the back of her closet and she hadn't been able to stop crying. Seeing her and Christopher smile happily into the camera had made her heart break into a million pieces no one could tape back together ever again and she missed him so much she could hardly breathe. There had never been anyone like Christopher. He was kind, considerate, sweet, funny, smart, handsome, always making fun of her and even thinking about all of this in the past tense made her body shake with sobs. It wasn't like he had been sick and they'd had time to say goodbye. Addison had been telling herself that this might have made it easier to let go of the love of her life because when the police had showed up at work, where she had been waiting for her husband so they could have an early morning breakfast after her long night shift, she had felt like she had lost everything, even the ground she was standing on. She had just stood there and listened to their condolences after they had told her that he had been in a car accident but that had been all she could do then – stand there. At the funeral she had felt absolutely numb, probably because of the medication she had been under and the many glasses of his favorite scotch she had washed the pills down with. But when they had lowered the casket into the wet ground on that gloomy New York morning she had felt like she was about to break down and cry until he would come back to her. Of course she couldn't do that, not only because she knew that he would never come back, but also because of Grace. Addison had felt horribly selfish and self-absorbed because she had mostly been dealing with her own feeling but her little daughter had lost her father. Christopher hadn't been like other fathers Addison knew. In every free minute he took Grace camping, to the park, to the zoo, to the library, to school or anywhere she pleased. Ever since he had seen her being born he had been telling her how much he loved her and how she was the biggest blessing he could have ever wished for. And to Grace her father was the ultimate superhero who saved lives and could brighten up any day. She had adored him and then he was suddenly gone. Addison knew that children Grace's age couldn't comprehend death and the loss of a loved one the way adults could but ever since Christopher had passed away neither of them had been the same. When Grace had come home crying because a boy at her school had told her that her father would never ever come back when she had talked about him in the present tense Addison knew that they had to get away from everything. It hadn't been fair to take Grace away from her friends, her family and her grandparents but it was the only way Addison felt that she could preserve a bit of her sanity because she had caught herself talking to Christopher. She had been talking to him like he was still there, she had even argued with him and then noticed that she was at work, surrounded by interns and coworkers who gave her those looks that she had always hated so much. So a city where no one knew about their tragic past had seemed like the best option. But then she had met Derek. And she felt like the most selfish person to burden him with all of this. He didn't deserve that.
xxx
"Hi…" Addison really didn't know what she should say. She had called Derek two days after telling him that she couldn't do this anymore. And by this she had meant their relationship. She hadn't been at work since then and she had heard how happy his voice sounded when she had called him and it had made her feel even worse. Now he was sitting outside on his front porch and looked absolutely worried.
"Addison, I'm so sorry, Gracie told me ab—" He had gotten up but saw the look on the face and had stopped talking.
"I know, she told me…" Addison had spent the last few days telling her daughter all the stories about how she had met Christopher, about their wedding day and everything else Grace had wanted to know. After that Addison had gone back to her room to cry her eyes out. It hadn't gotten any easier and now she felt so guilty that she had stopped missing her husband for so long because she had been so preoccupied with Derek and with falling in love with him.
"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" The only reason Derek even asked was because he couldn't stand the silence anymore and the look on her face was killing him. All he wanted was to just wrap his arms around her but when he had only taken one step towards her she had immediately taken one step back.
Addison lifted her eyes up to his and tried to desperately blink her tears away but they just kept streaming down her face when she slowly nodded her head. "It's just not fair to you, this is the second time I freaked out on you like this and it's just not fair," she whispered. "You deserve someone who makes you happy and not someone who still hasn't dealt with… Anything in the last two years."
"But I don't want anyone else." He tried to take another step towards her but she only shook her head.
"You're wonderful and you deserve someone who can love you completely and not someone who treats you like this." Her voice sounded so sad and tired that it broke Derek's heart. He knew that he had already fallen in love with her and he didn't want to let her go again.
"Addison, I want you and no one else."
"But you can't have me." She shook her head. He was only making it so much harder because all she wanted right now was to just be with him but she also knew that that would be selfish of her. He didn't deserve to be treated like this so it was better to end it now. At least that was what she kept telling herself.
"What are you so afraid of?" He had walked towards her and she no longer knew what she should say. He was right, she was afraid. Afraid of getting close to someone, afraid of hurting him, afraid of losing him and most of all afraid of falling for him more than she already had.
"Please don't do this." She whispered and looked at him, a pleading look in her eyes as she walked towards her car.
"Addie, don't leave." She felt her heart ache when she heard the pain in his voice but she didn't look up at him again and got in her car. It was for the best, she told herself.
xxx
"Mommy, are you okay?" Grace asked her mother the next morning when she was sitting next to her at the table along with Adele and Richard who had been more than just a little worried.
"Yes, I'm fine, don't worry." Addison gave her daughter a smile and kissed the top of her head. "So what do you want to do this weekend?"
"Can Derek take me to the zoo again?"
Addison flinched at the mention of Derek's name. She hadn't been able to get even a minute of sleep the night before because she had hated herself for breaking his heart and her own in the process. Being with Derek had been incredible and she had finally felt sane again but it wasn't fair to drag him into all this. "I think he's busy this weekend, sweety."
"But can you ask him at work?"
"Yeah, I will." Addison still tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she got up from the table to get another cup of coffee.
"What happened last night? When you came back you looked even more upset than you did before." Adele had followed her into the kitchen and was now leaning against the counter. The last time she had seen Addison looking this heartbroken had been two years ago after Christopher had passed away.
"Derek and I broke up." Addison finally whispered before walking back into the other room. She didn't want to talk. To anyone. And especially not about Derek because every time she even thought about his pain stricken voice she felt like throwing up.
There it is and judging by my mood atm I might just leave it all at that. For everyone who is offended that I used the authors note for "my own" political agenda, I'm not even sorry, cause this is my story and I can do whatever I please. That being said, LOVE TRUMPS HATE!
I'm guessing you didn't like this chapter but it was just inevitable. Reviews are still love though (maybe some of you are just as shocked as I am over the outcome of what I had thought was a sick joke…)
