I know that i am a horrible person and I only update once in a while, but I promise you that I will finish!
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DISCLAIMER: I do not own The story Fairy Tail.
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Chapter 19
Insecurities
"You know that girl on team Natsu?"
"You mean her?"
"Yea, don't you think that she is like, so pathetic?"
"She is so damn week!"
"She is so ugly!"
"She looks like a whore."
"That ugly blond hair of hers, it must be a reflection of her brain size."
"I heard she got plastic surgery to make her blobs that big, I mean, they like can't be natural!"
"I heard that she is a whiney crybaby."
"I heard that she is a coward that runs away."
"She's only on team Natsu as a cheerleader. She does absolutely nothing."
"I heard she slept her way into the guild and onto the team."
"How disgusting, I wouldn't put it past her!"
"I bet you I could take her and I have no magic!"
"She should just leave; no one really wants her there."
"Yea, they're just too nice to tell her."
I listen to these girls talk and even though I know that I shouldn't listen to the words of strangers, especially when those words have to do with me, I can't help it. It's not the first time that this has happened. I hear this all the time. I try not to let it affect me, but after you hear it over and over and over and over and over again from tons of different people, their words start to take a toll. It's like the waves hitting against a rock, eventually that rock will slowly break and become tiny pieces of sand.
While I know that some of the things they said is total bullshit, I mean, I think I would know if I ever got a boob job, I can't help but feel that some of the stuff they said have some truth. I am weak, probably the weakest in the guild. Wendy is way younger than me and she is way stronger than me!
Whenever we go on missions, I'm the one who always faces the weakest enemy. I'm the one who is usually used as bait. I'm the one used as a diversion. I'm the one who always is protected. I'm the one everyone is scared for, fearing that I will be hurt on a mission. I'm the one who never goes on dangerous missions alone. I'm the weak link in the chain.
I walk away sullenly from the gossiping people of the town, continuing on my way to the aforementioned guild. A few times, tears threaten to overcome me, and a few times I almost turn back and decide to stay home for the day. But I don't. I persevere through and continue on.
I feel as though I'm back in that dream, the one where I was running through a black hole and all I could hear was my father's booming laugh and his words of ridicule. This time though, his voice is being replaced by those girls' voices. They mock me, belittle me, and try to break my already fragile self-esteem.
When I finally reach the guild I'm feeling absolutely wretched and am already regretting my decision to not go home. Standing outside the impending door, I'm staring at it unseeingly frozen. Taking a deep breath, I force myself to no longer tarry and I open the guild door. Inside, despite my inner turmoil, the guild is completely normal. Bar fights, drinking early in the day, lots of laughter, and plenty of loud chatter permeates through the room. The sigh relieves me and also oddly leaves me with a feeling of bitter disappointment.
I make my way towards the bar, not bothering to announce my presence and say hi to everyone like usual. I order some tea from Mira and then sit in silence. She comes back a couple of minutes later with my drink. I thank her softly and drink in silence. Mira watches me with a frown.
"Is everything okay?" She asks me worried.
I frown slightly for moment, hating that I was being to transparent. I force my usual smile onto my face before she can notice and say in my most happy tone, "Of course, everything is fine. What could possibly be wrong?"
She looks at me skeptically, "You just seem a little down," she says.
"I'm fine," I say forcefully. Realizing that my tone was too harsh, I say more gently, "Really I am."
She looks at me deeply, as if looking into my soul. I start to get nervous that she will see right thought me but eventually she reluctantly just shakes her head and walks away to go help the other customers. Every once in a while, I catch her sending worried glances my way, but I studiously ignore them.
While I drink my tea in solitude, I face in such a way where I can quietly observe he whole guild. I marvel at their strength, their courage, their fearlessness, their easy countenance, and their obliviousness. While this sight makes me happy, it also fills me with bitterness and a slight jealously. I am not like them, and I will never be like them no matter how hard I try. When I first got to the guild I thought I had finally found some place when I belonged, I ignored all the difference that I found, figuring that they would slowly fade away with time, but that did not happen. If anything, the differences have become more apparent as times gone by. I'm a human living amongst fairies.
When I am finished with my tea, I look into the cup to see the tea leaves left behind.
What most people don't know, or forget, about celestial mages is our connection to astrology, and all that it entitles. Astrology has long been used as an instrument of foretelling the future. Using the time of birth and the alignment of the planets and stars you can pretty accurately see what the future will hold.
For a long time, all celestial mages were well versed in this art. In fact, they all knew how to tell the future from all type of different ways; palmistry, tarot cards, oracle cards, crystal balls, tea leaf readings, and other methods. As time has passed, this art has dwindled, and very few celestial mages still know the art. Thanks to my mother, I am proficient in many of the fortune telling methods. I rarely practice though. Sometimes it is better not to know the future.
When Cana was reading the cards to me, I didn't tell her that I could interpret their meaning myself. When we beheld the results of the cards, I did not discredit them, knowing that they can actually tell the future. Cana read the cards wrong though, a small mistake, and I didn't bother to correct her. The cards didn't say I could meet my true love soon, it said that my true love was near. A very small difference that made all the difference. I declined correcting her due to the fact that unrequited love is painful enough itself, no need to make it worse by having everyone know and pity me.
One of the reasons I drink so much tea, besides it tastes good and has a plethora of health benefits, is to read the leaves that are left behind at the bottom. For me, they are usually just small indications of the immediate future rarely predicting events that take place past a week.
I look in the cup trying to interoperate the picture that the tea leaves made. My eyes blink excessively in shock. The picture is very clear and unusually detailed. It appears to be a dragon wrapping itself around an object. On closer observation that object appears to be a heart
Now comes the hard part. Anyone can see and label a picture, but it is interpreting the image that is tricky. I usually don't know until time has passed and the fortune happened. Like, sometimes the tea leaves will show me a shoe. That could mean I'll lose a shoe, buy some, trip over my shoe lasses, or even get hit in the head due to someone throwing their shoes out the window. I usually don't know which one until it has already happened. Though sometimes the picture is unambiguous and the meaning is blatantly obvious.
This picture is leaning on the extremely ambiguous side. The dragon seems to be in possession of a heart. The way he is wrapped around it makes me think that he is guarding it, protecting if from everything outside its grasp. It's as though the heart is his possession, his most precious guarded treasure.
What could this possibly have to do with me? It doesn't mean a dragon is going to kill me and steal my heart . . . hopefully. It can't possibly mean that someone is going to obtain my heart soon. One, I don't fall in love quickly. Two, my heart is already in someone's possession. Stupid, pink-haired oblivious idiot. If only he would realize . . . if only he felt the same . . .
"Yo, Lucy," a loud booming voice calls me. My head snaps up, breaking me out of my musings.
I see Natsu making his way towards me. I smile softly, not able to conjure up as much energy as usual, not with everything that has happened today.
"What's up?" I ask him softly, my small smile struggling to stay on even with the comfort that his presence always brings.
"I just beat Ice-stripper into a shriveling little cry baby," he boasts, thankfully, as usual, not noticing my mood.
"Who the hell did you beat up, Flame-brains?" Gray yells from across the guild.
"You, Snow-Princess," Natsu yells back to him in glee.
"Are your brains already ash, obviously I won the fight," Gray disputes.
"Yea right stripper! You wanna go again!?" Natsu yells, joy obvious in his voice, looking forward to another fight.
"Let's go!" Gray yells, already making his way towards us, stripping on the way.
Normally this is where I come in. I would call Gray out on his stripping and pull Natsu away, enticing him with the promise of fire food. But today, I can't seem to muster up the energy to do this. I just sit and watch the spectacle in silence, not bother to keep the smile on my face anymore. God, this is all too tiring.
Thankfully Erza is here today, not away on another mission, and with one glare and a harsh warning, they hug each other while shaking in fear. Seeing that they have lost her attention, they hurry to get away from each other. Natsu comes back to me.
"I totally would've won," Natsu says confidently.
"Hmm," I say nonplus.
"I wasn't afraid of Erza!"
"Hmm,"
"She's not scary at all!"
"Hmm,"
"Gray is such a scaredy cat."
"Hmm,"
"Hey, Lucy?"
"Hmm,"
"Are you paying attention to me?"
"Hmm,"
"I'm going to burn your hair,"
"Hmm . . . wait, what!?" I ask, jumping away from him, patting my hair as if to protect it.
"Pft, you're so funny Lucy, I was just kidding," he says smiling. "Why are you dazing out?" he asks concerned and slightly whining. What, must I always give him my full and undivided attention?
"Sorry," I apologize, not bothering to explain.
Natsu's smile slowly fades, making itself into a slight frown. "What's wrong?" He asks concerned.
I force a smile and say "Nothing's wrong."
"Don't lie to me. What's wrong?" He asks insistently.
"Nothing," I say losing my smile. Why must he be so insistent?
"Lucy! Stop lying to me!" he yells.
"I said it was nothing goddammit!" I yell right back. "Just let it go!"
"Just tell me already," He screams.
"NO! Just leave me alone!" I yell. Not being able to take it any longer, I storm away. Midway through, I start running. I hear him calling my name behind me as I run out, but I don't stop. When I am finally out of sight, tears start falling. I'm running and crying, it's a miracle I haven't bumped into anyone or anything.
Why couldn't he just let it go? Why can't he just understand that there are somethings I just don't want to talk about? Why must he be so pushy? Why is he so stubborn, I am not worth it. I wish he would stop pretending to care about me. The longer it goes on, the more my hope sores, the more hurt I am going to feel in the future.
Someone grabs my hand, stopping my running. Before I realize what is happening, said person pulls me into their arms. The muscular arms, mostly bare chest, unique scale scarf and mucky scent clue me into whose arms I'm in.
I struggle trying to get out of his arms, but his hold is strong and unyielding. I gradually give up when my efforts turn out to be in vain, I just don' have the energy to continue. I completely break down in his arms, hysterically cringing in the middle of the street with everyone watching. I hate having others see me cry.
Natsu does nothing but hold me tightly to him, gently stroking my hair. When I stop struggling completely, he picks me up and carries me to some desolate ally way where we can get some privacy. He sits down against the wall taking me with him so that I am now sitting on his lap, still crying into his chest and hiding my tear ridden face from him.
It takes a while, but eventually I am able to stop crying. Still, though, I keep my face to his chest and I stay in the comfortable confines of his protective arms.
Even though he doesn't say anything, I know he is waiting for an explanation for my behavior. I know I owe him one, but I am having trouble putting it into adequate terms. How do you tell someone that all your insecurities were pointed out by random strangers in a malicious way?
I'm about to start speaking but I am cut off.
"Did you see her?" Female one says.
"Yea, that Lucy bitch was running, crying in the street!" Female two says.
"It was so pathetic, what a baby!"
"You think Fairy Tale finally got bored of her, told her, and kicked her out?"
"Probably, I mean, it's about time!"
They keep talking away, their chatter eventually fades the further they walk until we can no longer hear them. At least I can't, who knows with his stupidly great hearing.
I hide my face in his chest, ashamed that he heard that. A few more tears fall from the confines of my eyes, but they go unnoticed as I do not utter a sound.
Natsu's grip on me tightens. A vibration of some sort comes rumbling from his chest. It takes me a moment to realize he is growling.
Fear rushes through me. What if he finds truth in what they said? What if he realizes how much I don't belong in the guild? What if he has always thought so and now finds it the right time to tell me? Not Natsu. Natsu can't do this to me. If it was anyone else, I might survive, but with Natsu, I don't see me making it out of this with my sanity, even more with my life.
The fear petrifies me, I can't move a muscle. I'm frozen in place, waiting for a verbal response to what just occurred.
Even though I was waiting for him to start speaking, I still flinch when he finally starts speaking.
"Bullshit," he growls out angrily.
Thinking he is talking about me, more tears escape from me, and I try again to leave his arms. He doesn't let me; his grip is like Gajeel's iron.
"What they said is bullshit," he growls out.
Surprised, I stop struggling. Seizing this opportunity, he acted.
Hands caress my face, lightly cupping my face; sending tingles all down my body. Gently, he brings my face out of its hiding place so that I am now staring deeply into his onyx eyes.
"Total, utter bullshit," he says gently. A strangled sob of relief escapes me, happy tears fall from my eyes. He wipes them away with his thumb until they finally stop flowing.
Placing his forehead against mine while his eyes never waiver from mine. "You are our precious Nakama, never doubt that."
A huge smile breaks across my face. Overcome with all the emotions running through me, I through my arms around him, hugging him desperately. His hands leaves my face coming back around me to reciprocate the hug.
He mumbles something ineligible, but I couldn't catch it. I dismiss it from my mind, and enjoy this time that I have in his arms.
Why does everyone pick on the poor bunny!? Thankfully, she had the dragon there to comfort her. He was glad, though not because of her tears, but to be able to be the one who comforts her. It was also a plus that he got to hold her in his arms. I wonder why the dragon is always picking fights with the polar bear. It couldn't be because of his petty desire to appear strong to the bunny? No, even the dragon wouldn't be so desperate as to pick fights with the polar bear, just to prove his strength and have the bunny's attention on him. Right? That tea reading the Bunny did, if only she would realize that he is the dragon and that he has possession of her heart and promises to protect and treasure it. If the bunny had as good of hearing as the dragon, she might have heard him mumble something about her being his precious and he will never let her go. Something like that . . . maybe.
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