A/N: For anyone who might be struggling to envision the heart windows mentioned in this story, I have drawings of them at the bottom of this same fic on Ao3. The post can be found here: /works/38314858

...SQ...

In a world where everyone is born with a white heart, there are only two states in which that heart can exist.

The first is a heart that is loved. For each person that loves that heart, their name appears inked across it in soft glowing red letters - the size and intensity of their name varying with the depth of the love they feel for that heart. If the heart is fortunate enough for the names to overlap one another until it is fully covered, it will illuminate with a constant bright red glow and the owner of it will become a Red Heart.

Therefore, the sign of a person that is beloved is a heart that is red.

The second is a heart that is hated. For each person that hates that heart, their name appears inked across it in dull black letters - the size and intensity of their name varying with the depth of the hate they feel for that heart. If the heart is unfortunate enough for the names to overlap one another until it is fully covered, it will darken like a piece of coal and the owner of it will become a Black Heart.

Therefore, the sign of a person that is loathed is a heart that is black.

It hurts Regina more than she would ever dare to admit that she is slowly becoming a Black Heart. She doesn't understand why she continues to torture herself this way - using every spare moment she gets to observe the small window in her chest to see if anything has changed.

She knows it's futile. Knows – by the obvious state of her heart - she is the most hated person in town. Yet still she continues to hope beyond hope, eyeing the organ for even the tiniest glimpse of red.

An entire lifetime ago, before the curse – before the Evil Queen – Regina had almost become a Red Heart. And though she barely remembers what it felt like, attempting to reminisce makes her ache with such longing, oh how she wishes she could feel as she did then, back when Daniel was alive.

Daniel had been her everything - her hope for freedom; a better life. And most of all he was helping her to fulfil her one dream of becoming a Red Heart.

To most, becoming a Red Heart didn't mean much - a luxury often taken for granted. But to Regina, it was everything. To a young girl who craved love and companionship her entire life, for her to be loved enough to have her heart turn red, that meant more than she could ever put into words.

And Daniel had understood that. Had loved her more than anyone had loved her before. Had loved her with such ferocity that just his name alone had covered almost one half of her heart.

But the world was too cruel for Daniel. And he - along with all of Regina's hopes and dreams - was snatched away far too quickly.

The red had begun to fade soon after; it didn't take long for the black to grow. Before long, Regina was exhausting her magic using glamour spell after glamour spell to keep the evidence of the hatred she knew was felt for her hidden away. So much so, that she didn't once look through the tiny window into her chest ever again.

Well, not in The Enchanted Forest anyway.

After the curse was cast, Regina found that along with a fresh start on a new life, she had been given a fresh start on a new heart.

For the first 18 years it had remained blank, as white as a sheet of paper - unmoving and unchanging. Regina suspected it had to do with time being frozen. People couldn't feel anything towards her if they kept forgetting every day.

And then Henry had come into her life and the red had begun to bloom. She remembers the nervous excitement she had felt that day when she had seen the glowing red name on her heart in her reflection. Remembers attempting to measure the size of Henry's name as it grew with him, a sign that his love was only growing as he got older. Remembers wearing blouses in the thinnest material she could find, even in the cold harsh weather, just to show off the soft red glow to the world, to prove that after everything she could still be loved.

But that had all changed when Henry had been given the storybook.

When he had come to learn she was the Evil Queen, his name had blackened so quickly that Regina was reminded of the instant when Daniel had been killed. When all the love she had once held for Snow White had turned to dust the minute Daniel's heart did.

She had cried herself to sleep that night, had felt the pain in her heart as if the black letters of Henry's name had been burned into it; had wandered around town, feeling like a ghost floating aimlessly in life.

After Emma arrived in Storybrooke, a second name had appeared on her heart so thick and so large that it overpowered Henry's to the point where his name could barely be made out. And by the time the curse had broken there were more than a dozen other names present.

And now - almost three years later - as Regina looks through the tiny window to her heart in the reflection of her bathroom mirror, she can feel the last remnants of hope of being loved slip away through her fingertips.

It had been Henry's Red Heart ceremony today. A celebration that takes place once a person's heart has become fully red. And Regina is absolutely elated for her son, really she is. But she can't help but feel slightly jealous too, enough to the point that she has been on edge all day.

Even now with all of her guests downstairs chatting away and enjoying each other's company Regina had to step away from it all. The soft material of her blouse was scratching away at the skin around her chest area and she just had to remove it, just had to check once again to see if her heart has changed.

And once again she's left disappointed.

She sighs deeply, feeling the heavy weight settle once more, the growing disappointment and crushed hope always feels heavier just after she's checked her heart.

Many things have changed these last years since the first curse – the town, the people; Regina. But the one thing that has remained the same is her heart. Or rather the state of it.

It upsets Regina to know that even after everything she has done to change; to redeem herself, the names of the people that she cares for the most are still marked in black on her heart.

Though after everything, she does deserve it really.

She stands, unsure of how long she's been up here, inspecting her heart in resigned acceptance; tracing - with her eyes - the swirls and flourishes of the writing, black ink mocking her clear inability to be loved by others.

Upon closer inspection, she supposes she can take solace in the fact that at least Emma hates her more than her own son does. The four letters covering almost her entire heart - the hatred stronger than even the love Daniel had had for her.

Which, yes, that is a whole other level of pain if she's being honest, but Regina knows – has always known really – that Emma will never feel the same way for her as she does for the blonde.

She and Emma are friends, have been fighting on the same side for years - since Neverland - united by their son and the roles they play in protecting their town. But Regina has felt something a lot deeper for the blonde for longer than she can remember.

She can't say exactly when the feelings came about, but after managing to pinpoint what they were, she had been hit with a tidal wave of hope and dread all at once. Excited to have someone to share with the love she had to give, but afraid of not being good enough to be loved in return.

She had somehow managed to convince herself that she and Emma were just friends however, and that that was the limit of love Emma could feel for her, but even after years of being friends, Emma's name still hadn't changed to red. Nor had Henry's or Snow's or any of the townspeople that had come to let her know that they care about her and that she means something to them.

Regina often falls back on the idea that perhaps she is a defect. Truly incapable of being loved - that perhaps there is something wrong with her and as a result her heart.

The idea had first planted itself in her mind when she had broken the second curse with Henry using true love's kiss. After reuniting with her son, she'd rushed straight home, impatient to check the state of her heart. If she was able to break a curse using true love's kiss then clearly she was capable of being loved right?

Wrong.

She remembers the scream that ripped through her when she'd found that nothing had changed; luckily Henry had still been at Granny's with the others because Regina wouldn't have wanted him to see her in that state. Heartbroken that not even Henry's name – which had changed size and intensity significantly since the first curse – had become red.

Since then, the idea stayed rooted in the back of her mind. Springing forth every now and then, bringing with it a new wave of anxiety.

Regina knows she can feel love - feels it every waking moment and even in her dreams most nights. Remembers spying her name on Henry's heart when he was younger when she would change his clothes or bath him - the red elegant scrawl of her name adorning her son's beating heart as if she had written it there herself. And even though she doesn't want to doubt the words the townsfolk and her loved ones are saying to her, she truly believes that being loved by them is impossible.

Maybe this is her fate.

Maybe this is what she gets after everything she has done.

She's broken out of her thoughts when she hears a soft knock at the door before Emma's head pops in.

"Hey, you disappeared and I was wondering..." Emma trails off. Regina looks up at her and before she knows it the blonde is at her side, "Hey you okay?" she asks, tenderly cupping the brunette's jaw and moving it so that Regina can look her in the eye. Regina startles, unsure what is happening. "You're crying," Emma offers quietly at Regina's confused look.

Regina moves a hand to her cheek and sure enough her fingers come away wet with tears. "Hey," Emma whispers quietly and all it takes is for her to stroke Regina's cheek ever so softly for the dam to break.

Regina wants to stop, wants to push everything back deep down inside where it can stay hidden and buried, but she knows this pain has been simmering for too long, knows that now that it has seen the light of day there is nowhere else for it to go.

So she cries. Let's the emotions overwhelm her, tears down the walls that keep everything in and let's it all out. Emma immediately pulls Regina to her, wrapping her up in strong arms and a warm embrace, comforting her; keeping her standing upright when all she wants to do is collapse to the ground in a sobbing mess.

After some time Regina collects herself and they stay standing there – for what feels like hours - in silence. Emma rubbing the soft, warm skin on her back gently and keeping Regina grounded. Quite some time passes before Regina manages to croak out, her voice hoarse and breaking, "I'm unlovable Emma."

And Emma almost snorts because the idea is simply preposterous, before collecting herself, "That's impossible Regina. The whole town adores you."

Regina breaks out of the embrace, moving away slightly, uncaring that she is currently standing in front of the other woman in only her bra and trousers, face tear stricken; makeup most likely smeared across it. She takes a step back so that Emma can see through the little window into her chest – she hadn't enough time to replace the glamour spell before Emma had come in.

"As much as I want to believe that, the evidence doesn't lie. See these," she says gesturing to her heart, "These are hate marks Emma."

Emma chuckles softly, "There's no such thing Regina. Becoming a Black Heart is a myth. Hate marks aren't real. There are only marks of love or the absence of them."

"You're lying. I saw my heart when the first curse broke; there were names all over it. Just like there are now."

"Then shouldn't that say something to you? Regina, the name of someone only appears on your heart if they feel something good for you, even something like admiration and their names will still show up."

Regina scoffs, "You cannot be serious. Why would anyone have admired me back then?"

"Because Madam Mayor, even though you were a pain to be around, you still had admirable qualities. Your love for Henry for one, your determination to get things done and keep the town running smoothly; fierce protectiveness etc., etc. the list goes on." Regina starts shaking her head about to protest, but Emma continues, "And now, after all this time, the list is endless; we just can't help but to love you. It's just a part of who you are." Emma steps forward then, gripping her upper arms; squeezing slightly so Regina will look her in the eyes; "You – Regina Mills – are not unlovable."

Regina swallows; she can feel the burn in her throat, the tears building up ready to fall once again. How badly she wishes to be able to believe in Emma's words, "If I'm not unlovable then why is my heart turning black?" she asks quietly, feels her voice cracking and wills herself not to break down once more.

Emma smiles softly; brushing her thumbs across Regina's upper arms in comfort, "Well, do you feel like you deserve that love? Do you love yourself Regina?"

And Emma isn't asking. Not really. She already knows the answer. Knows that the brunette feels anything but love towards herself. And it's sad really, because there's so much about Regina that there is to love.

But Emma gets it. Understands that sometimes loving oneself can be the hardest thing to do in the world. She's had that problem herself. It wasn't until she began to understand and find herself during her time in Storybrooke - surrounded by people who fought for her and wanted the best for her - did she begin to love herself. And only then did the names start to glow and was she able to witness the amount of love people had for her, rather than have blind faith in their words.

Regina doesn't dignify that with an answer, knows that Emma knows how she feels about herself. Emma pulls her into another hug, feels Regina's shoulders start to shake and whispers, "You have to believe you deserve the love people give you Regina. You have to accept yourself, the good and the bad. The only way to ever truly be in control is to love yourself. It's the only way."

...SQ...

So Regina spends the next few months – reluctantly at first - trying to be kinder to herself. And instead of fighting with herself, she takes the time to listen. Instead of agreeing with her demons and drowning in her pain and insecurities, she tries to understand that though these things all have their own purpose; she will not let them dictate her life.

At times when she struggles to do that, Emma steps in, reminding her that loving one's self is a process that can't be completed in the blink of an eye, and that it takes time and that it will all be worth it. Emma manages to convince her to stop using a glamour spell to hide her heart away and to embrace it for what it is and for what it one day will be. And Regina just rolls her eyes, grumbling about the blonde's blind optimism having clearly inherited it from her mother, but she secretly gives in and doesn't use the spell again.

They grow even closer during this time; Regina knows that Emma knows how she feels for her, the evidence painted across the blonde's heart covering a great deal of it, but she noticed her name is more faded than the rest and suspects it is to do with the state of her own heart.

Even still, Emma often makes it quite clear how she feels about Regina in her actions and her comforting words and quite obviously by the size of her name on Regina's heart. But Regina remains reluctant to move ahead and start any sort of relationship with the blonde, because Emma's name is still black and though she is leaning towards the idea that maybe it is the absence of her own love of self that is the cause, the niggling feeling that she truly is a defect remains.

...SQ...

It's a few months later and Regina is currently standing in the middle of The Sorcerer's Mansion attempting to reason with Emma. The Snow Queen has unlocked something within the blonde, causing her magic to become unstable. Emma cowers in fear as sparks flash here and there, lights flickering, causing the chandelier up above to sway this way and that.

"You have to leave. Now," Emma cries flinching away as sparks flash once more.

"I'm sorry," Regina says softly attempting to calm the blonde, "I won't let you do this."

"My powers are out of control; there's no other way. Please go now," Emma says turning away from Regina towards the door in front of her.

"Giving up your magic is not the answer," Regina says and Emma halts her movements. "There is another way Emma."

Emma turns around then, a pleading look in her eyes, "What is it?" she whispers, and Regina's heart hurts at the panicked expression on the blonde's tear-stricken face.

"You have to accept yourself Emma, the good and the bad. The only way to ever truly be in control is to love yourself," Regina says, echoing Emma's words - from months previous - back to her. "You taught me that," she adds quietly.

Despite everything that's going on, Emma smiles softly shaking her head in fond amusement. "How long have you been waiting to throw my own advice back at me?"

"Longer than you know," Regina says holding her hand out for Emma to take. The blonde's smile drops immediately and she freezes up. "It's time to stop being afraid Emma."

"No. Regina this could kill you," Emma says holding her hands closer to her chest as far away from Regina as possible.

"I'll take that risk if you will," Regina says softly.

A few moments pass in silence before Emma – going against everything in her mind telling her not to – grasps hold of Regina's hand tightly and watches as a beam of rainbow light bursts out from where their hands touch, before her magic calms from a raging storm to the quiet lull of waves on the seashore.

Emma exhales deeply, relieved.

She starts chuckling before being cut off by a yawn - very clearly exhausted from the long day.

Regina watches her with a soft smile, "Come on," she says poofing herself and Emma to the living room in her mansion. "Get some rest. I'll go and update Snow."

"Wait," Emma grasps the brunette's hand in hers. "Thank you," she breathes ever so softly, smiling at Regina with so much love in her eyes that Regina feels breathless, quickly becoming overwhelmed. She gives herself a small mental pat on the back, so thankful that she was able to stop this beautiful creature from doing something that would harm her.

And that's when it hits her.

She feels a hum in her chest, the feeling bubbles up thrumming through her entire body as if she's finally come up to the surface and breathing air for the first time.

Emma gasps, "Regina look," she says pointing to the brunette's chest.

And Regina knows without even looking, feels the warmth spreading through her, like threads of electricity setting her alight. She looks down slowly, after all this time afraid to be disappointed once again; even though she knows this time it's different.

Finally after what feels like an eternity, her eyes land on her chest area and sure enough it's glowing red.

"May I?" Emma asks, moving her hands towards the buttons of Regina's blouse. Regina looks up at her, searches her face for a few moments before nodding her consent.

Regina inhales feeling Emma's soft breaths on her face as the blonde's nimble fingers begin to unbutton her blouse. She closes her eyes tightly; afraid to look once again when Emma's hands move away once she's finished.

"It's okay," Emma whispers, "You can look."

Regina gulps before exhaling heavily then looks down at the small window in her chest and there - in soft glowing red - are all the names of the people she loves – proof that they all love her right back. Regina wants to laugh, she wants to cry, she wants to scream and jump for joy. Instead she settles on simply observing the beating organ in her chest.

"It's not as bright as I imagined it to be," she says after staring for a while.

Emma chuckles, "It gets brighter the more you feel you deserve it." Regina hums and nods, continuing to stare at it in disbelief. "And look," Emma says pointing to the heart, there in thick glowing red scribble, covering almost all of her heart is Emma. Regina smiles to herself before beaming up at her. Emma smiles back before getting lost in thought.

Regina startles when Emma abruptly takes her jacket off tossing it onto the sofa before pulling her tank top over her head and letting that join the pile, leaving her in a similar state of undress as the brunette.

She watches with a raised eyebrow while the blonde looks down at her own chest; regarding her heart, before looking up at Regina with tears in her eyes. "Emma what is it?" Regina asks worried.

"It's gotten brighter, your name," Regina takes a step closer moving to get a better look and sure enough it has. She gasps smiling before looking up at Emma and seeing the blonde look back at her with a cheeky smile and a glint in her eyes. "I think we're finally ready to be more than friends now, don't you?" Emma says before pulling Regina into a fierce kiss.

And Regina returns the kiss in equal force, smiling as Emma softens it and allowing herself to melt into the touch. Because for the first time in her life Regina feels a certain calm wash over her and she now knows – There is no secret formula to getting people to love you, you have to love yourself first to truly feel the love of others.

...SQ...

'If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.' - Charles Bukowski

'You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.' - Buddha