A fairly quick chapter update...that is, it's quick in comparison to my usual sloth-like speed!
I'm preparing to head home after 2 years in Spain (Y'ALL DO WE REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I WAS GOING TO SPAIN? TWO YEARS HAS FLOWN BY?) and so my life is a bit of a whirlwind trying to get everything sorted and packed up. But I was determined to get something out to you guys, especially since this month and next month I wont have much time for writing. I'm headed to Colorado to start studying speech pathology, isn't that NEAT? (I'm super nervous send help and chocolate k thx)
Chapter Title Inspiration: "Half Light" by Banners
I hope you guys like this chapter and as usual, if you like what you see and want to see more ASAP...
PLEASE REVIEW!
(Funny side-note...I wrote "please review" as "please update" 2 times before I got it right...Freudian slip, anyone?)
Chapter 4: You'll Live A Half Life
Zuko had spent so much of his youth wondering about the lavish feasts the Royal House would arrange for the nobles of the city, wondering and lamenting that he wasn't yet old enough to see for himself—fifteen was the traditional age to be allowed to attend. The feast was held on the night of the new moon, and as such had grated even more at his younger self to have to be sent to his rooms like a child every single month.
He wished he could go back in time and give his younger self a very solid smack to the head for such thoughts, because now he was sitting at his very first New Moon feast and he would pay ridiculous amounts of gold to be anywhere else.
The eating had ended hours ago, taken over by excessive drinking and dancing, and Spirits was it pointless. Men and women alike were drunkenly stumbling around and laughing too loudly at jokes that weren't the slightest bit funny, all the while dancing boisterously to music that was far too mellow for the pace they were setting.
The Fire Lord was absent, busy going over war plans, and as such Zuko was required to stay and represent the Royal Family. Azula had claimed to be sick—why hadn't Zuko done the same thing and escaped this disaster?
Oh yes, because he was stupidly curious and couldn't resist the opportunity to see if his younger self had been right to be envious of those allowed to attend. Something dark and guilty awoke in the back of his mind the longer he remained sitting at the Royal Table. He should have demanded to meet with his father to discuss the next steps in the war, he should have refused the invitation and done what he set out here to do!
And yet there he was, dressed up before the masses and hating himself for not being stronger-willed.
Someone slid into the open chair beside him and Zuko turned to snap at the newcomer to go away—only to stop mid-word because it was Mai.
"Good to know I'm not the only one suffering," she said, lifting her half-empty goblet of wine in a mocking salute before taking a deep drink. Her words were slurred slightly, but he only noticed because he was so attuned to her normal speaking voice; no one else would be able to tell, he was sure of it.
"I can't believe I used to think about sneaking into these things," he said under his breath, his lips quirking into a smile when Mai snorted in a very un-Mai like manner.
"Yeah, we were pretty stupid back then…but then again, here we are years later and we're still stupid," she whispered back, her eyes focused firmly on the dancers. Zuko frowned at the sad lilt to her voice, and leaned over to gently extract the goblet from her hand.
"How many have you had?" he asked, trying to discern the answer for himself by examining her eyes. She swatted his hands but didn't resist when he managed to take the cup and put it far away from her.
"Not enough for my parents to notice, don't worry. I've been worse than this at New Moon, you know, and they don't care. I'd have to be bleeding out right in front of them for that to happen."
Zuko's brow furrowed, and in an instant he made his decision. He stood, waving a dismissive hand at the nobles on his other side when they made to ask him where he was going before carefully helping Mai to her feet. He kept a hand on her lower back to steady her without making it look too obvious that he was doing so.
"Let's go for a walk," he said to her, loudly enough for those around them to hear. He thanked the Spirits that Mai was still coherent enough to play along; she only stumbled once, and that was when they reached the stairs leading to the outside hallways and that was out of range of most of the guests.
Once outside, he wrapped a hand around her waist more securely, walking with her in the direction of her rooms. She was quiet at his side, leaning into him in a way she never would have if she were sober, so close that he could smell the light floral scent of her perfume. It was sweet, sweeter than something he would have expected her to wear.
As a young boy he remembered being so in awe of how unyielding and untouchable Mai was, and so the image of her doing something as dainty and feminine as putting on perfume struck an interesting chord. That was something else he'd tell his younger self: never determine a woman's character by what they present to the world. He had done it with Mai and later with Dakota—and with the latter of the two he had very quickly learned that particular lesson.
He smiled sheepishly at the memory of Dakota standing up to yell at him in Zhao's military tent, her usually timid eyes bright and feverish with the force of her anger. Back then he had brushed off the tingle of warmth he felt in the base of his spine as a mixture of shock and disdain, but the reality of it was that he had thought about that exchange for days afterward. One morning he had even woken up gasping from a very interesting dream involving—
"What's so funny?" Mai suddenly asked, and he turned to see that she was watching him, her eyes wide and open as if she had spotted something incredible. Drunkenness did strange things to a person, Zuko knew, and for a moment he wished he could indulge—if he were actually here to be the Prince of the Fire Nation and not a spy, he probably would.
"Just thinking about how I used to be so jealous of you—of how you wouldn't take anything from anyone. I always felt like an awkward komodo-rhino in comparison, especially when Azula was around," he said, laughing quietly when her face scrunched up in disbelief.
"I was quiet and the good Fire Nation nobleman's daughter, that's all. But you…you were you. You've always been you and it's the bravest thing I've ever seen."
Zuko blinked at the earnestness in her voice, focusing on his steps for a few seconds rather than respond. He felt the guilt creeping back in, then, because he wasn't being himself, not really. Or at least, he didn't feel like he was, but Mai's words sparked a bit of doubt in him.
Was this who he was meant to be?
They reached the gardens just outside the entry hall to the noblemen's quarters and Mai stopped suddenly, moving around him to walk down into the torch-lit gardens. Zuko let her, following close behind because he was unsure of how her balance would fare with the pathways' cobblestones.
"Do you remember this place?"
Zuko looked around at her question, taking in the shadowy fountain and the small pond just beyond it. In a flash, memories of cruel laughter and an apple catching fire atop a much younger Mai's head.
He grimaced. "I'm still sorry for how I tackled you into the water."
"I'm not."
Zuko turned to look at her; she was smiling at the fountain, her eyes years away. She caught him staring at her and glanced down at her feet before continuing:
"It was the first time anyone cared enough to get me out of harm's way. Azula did it to embarrass me and make you look foolish, but all she succeeded in doing was make me like you even more."
She wobbled as she spoke, and Zuko instinctively reached out to steady her, putting his hands on her hips as she regained her balance. They were standing so close that he could see the flecks of darker bronze in her golden eyes, so close that her hair brushed against the front of his shirt.
Her gaze flickering down to his mouth was the only warning he received before she leaned up—not too far, because she was nearly as tall as he was—and kissed him.
That same doubt from before settled itself more securely in his chest because deep down, he was tired of dreaming of Dakota. Not tired of thinking of her, not regretful for having known her, never that. But how long could he be happy with the same sadness coating his tongue every morning, every day mourning the same impossible dream of holding her once more. Whether the Fire Nation won or lost, he was never going to see her again—he trusted that Katara would see to that, if for no one else than for Dakota's sake. He needed to do his part in helping the Avatar, of course, but he also needed to start accepting that his future didn't have Dakota in it—that he didn't deserve one with her in it.
And so he kissed Mai back, tasting the wine on her lips and wishing he was intoxicated enough to not feel the hiss of betrayal that came with the now-unfamiliar pressure of her mouth against his.
The clicking of shoes pierced through the moment, making both of them jump apart and look towards the source.
Azula was leaning against a pillar of the hallway; her form brightly lit from the nearby torch and her smile positively wicked in the firelight.
"Oh please, don't stop on my account! It's nice for long-laid plans to finally yield fruit, don't you think?" she simpered, batting her eyelashes in Mai's direction. Zuko felt Mai's body stiffen in his arms, saw her expression harden into its usual indifferent mask, and with a quiet 'goodnight' to Zuko she withdrew and unhurriedly made her way to the entrance to the noblemen's sector.
Zuko waited until she was gone before turning and making his way to the opposite side of the garden, intending on going to his rooms. He was almost to the archway when Azula's voice called out:
"It's nice to see you adjusting so well, Zu-Zu," she said gleefully, languidly crossing the garden to stand before him. He refused to let his irritation show—whether the anger was directed at himself or Azula, he couldn't quite say.
"Aren't you supposed to be playing sick?" he bit out. She laughed, flipping long, unbound hair over one shoulder.
"For all of my jokes, brother, I truly am happy for you," Azula commented in a softer tone, soft enough to fool some but not him—never him.
"Happy to be humiliating someone, you mean," he threw back, quickly enough that Azula seemed the slightest bit surprised at the sharpness of his barb. It was quickly covered by her usual smirk, however.
"I'm just saying, it's good to see that you've finally come to your senses about these things. Sure, the Dakota girl—"
"Don't—" Zuko angrily tried to cut her off, trying to tamp down the twinge of pain that came with hearing her name because oh Spirits he had kissed someone else.
Azula continued as if he hadn't spoken:
"—was a nice distraction, something for life in exile, but you're a prince. It's logical to match with someone who understands you, who can support you in your role."
"I'm going to bed," Zuko said through gritted teeth, turning on his heel and walking away.
"Sweet dreams, Zu-Zu," Azula replied in a lilting, almost mocking tone, and Zuko prided himself on the fact that he didn't flinch at the use of that dreaded nickname or hesitate in his retreat.
Inside, however, he felt weak and trembling.
Is this who I'm meant to be?
Katara leaned heavily against the metal railing of the stolen Fire Nation ship. Aang hadn't yet noticed that she practically fled the room every night after finishing their healing sessions but she wasn't naïve enough to think that he wouldn't catch on eventually. Maybe he already had and was playing dumb to make her feel better. It sounded like something Aang would do—sweet, kind, perceptive Aang.
Had he always been so observant, or had the accumulation of their travels together finally reached a point to where her eyes were forced to open and really see him?
The night air blew harshly against the exposed skin of her arms and she instinctively hugged herself in an attempt to stave off the chill. Part of her yearned to go back inside, back to the warmth of the heaters and the comforting sounds of her father and brother regaling the rest with tales of their respective journeys but a stronger urge kept her right where she was.
The Oasis water around her neck—normally she didn't notice it, accustomed to the weight by now—seemed to be pulling her down with every passing second.
Katara had been so close to using it, so close…but Aang had blinked awake before she could, his eyes far away and glazed over but it didn't matter because he was alive! If she closed her eyes she could almost feel herself back in Appa's saddle that night, staring down at her friend as he fell back into unconsciousness and not even trying to hold back the sobs of relief as she clutched him close to her chest. Sokka hadn't tried to pull her away, surprisingly, instead just wrapping his arms around them both and holding on tight. Toph had joined them a moment later; one calloused hand had snaked in to wrap around Katara's wrist and the other rested gently on Aang's shoulder.
The Waterbender's back straightened at the sound of the cabin door opening with a quiet creak. Bare feet pattered across the metal deck and the distinctive sound made her relax—only one person she knew chose to go barefoot everywhere.
"Hey Toph," she murmured. The Earthbender in question grunted in acknowledgement, leaning against the railing alongside her. Katara looked over to see the blind girl's face turned out towards the horizon. Absentmindedly she wondered how it felt when Toph was on a boat. Was it then that her blindness became true blindness? Sure, the ship was metal, but Toph had told her once that being on solid ground let her see so much more than what was right in front of her.
Katara let the silence grow, content to breathe deeply and enjoy the smell of ocean salt, and Toph didn't seem in any hurry to break it.
Finally, a long time later, Toph tilted her head slightly in Katara's direction.
"Sooo…what's wrong?"
Katara let out a huff of amusement. "I'm just tired—"
"Try again."
The Waterbender blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Try. Again," Toph said slowly, as if Katara were a small child. "I'm a lie-detector, remember?"
Katara opened her mouth to protest but after a moment closed it and let out a sigh instead. Her chest clenched, as it always did when she let her mind get too close to Aang's injury and the events preceding it. It was why she couldn't be in the same room as Aang for very long, why looking into his gentle gray eyes made her stomach twist with a guilt so powerful it almost made her want to vomit.
"I…" she began, but trailed off when words escaped her. Her stomach was definitely hurting her now, tears of frustration and anger—anger at Zuko, anger at herself for listening to him—filling her eyes.
Toph's hand slid over to cover Katara's, the touch surprisingly gentle considering the person it came from.
"You're not gonna scare me off, I promise. Just say it."
Katara let out a shaky laugh at that even as tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. How could Toph say that without even knowing what Katara had done?
"Zuko…" she started, having to stop to suck in a deep breath. "He and I were locked up together, and I…I was so stupid—"
"Oh Spirits, did you kiss him?"
Toph's horrified question was so unexpected that it actually helped loosen the tension in Katara's chest. She laughed, a real laugh this time, and vehemently shook her head before remembering she had to actually say something due to Toph's blindness.
"No!" she said, scrubbing at her tears and sending Toph a half-hearted glare. The shorter girl was already glaring right back, the Earthbender's sightless eyes somehow finding hers as they always did.
"Well excuse me, but your voice kept getting higher and your heartbeat sped up in the way that always means funny business—"
Katara snorted. "No, Toph, I didn't…do that. Zuko and I were locked up in there together, and…and he offered to send us information from the Fire Nation, information that would help us defeat his father," she explained. "I'm…I'm the reason he was able to walk free and later find us in the cavern. He told me he wanted to help us and protected me from falling rocks, but then he…he…"
The calm dissipated as her tears returned with a vengeance. Aang could have died and all because Katara was stupid enough to believe that Zuko actually wanted to help and deserved a chance to prove himself. She should have disabled him in some way, sent him and his uncle back the way they came rather than risk them helping Azula. She had been so stupid!
Toph was silent for several moments, her expression focused in a way that made her seem years older than she actually was.
"Katara," she began in a hushed voice. "I think Zuko was telling the truth. Aang said it himself—Zuko could have killed him, but chose not to. Think about it: if he hadn't done it, Azula would have, and that would have—"
That made Katara pause. "Aang told you what?" she almost shrieked.
Toph scowled. "He told me a few nights ago—but he would have told you first if you hadn't kept running away before he could get a non-injury related word in!"
Katara flinched at the accusation in her friend's tone, and found that she couldn't quite refute it. It was true, she had been running away, and she spent a few seconds cursing her own cowardice.
"Katara," Toph said, her eyes bright with energy even in their sightlessness. "This is big! We have someone in the Fire Nation, someone who wants to help us, and you wasted all this time feeling sorry for yourself!" the Earthbender hissed.
"Okay, first off, I thought I was the reason Aang got hurt, so you can take that tone and just—"
"We have to tell Aang and Sokka! Come on!"
Katara yelped as Toph grabbed her hand and yanked her towards the cabin door. Before they could reach the entrance, however, the blind girl stopped and turned her head slightly in Katara's direction.
"Sorry about…I just…" Toph attempted, her tone hesitant in a way that made most of Katara's irritation fade away. "I know what it's like to feel responsible for someone getting hurt. You're not alone, kay? So don't shut us out next time. We were all worried about you—the boys are just too scared of you to actually say anything."
The Waterbender felt new tears well up, this time due to a different emotion entirely, and before she could lose her nerve she leaned down to give Toph a tight hug.
"Thank you," she whispered. The younger girl let the embrace linger for a few short seconds before pulling away and facing anywhere but in Katara's direction.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm awesome, I know," she muttered, and Katara wisely said nothing about the pink color that had risen to the girl's cheeks in favor of keeping her fingers intact—Toph had quite a solid grip on them, after all.
Without another word, the two girls disappeared below deck, letting the heavy metal door creak shut behind them.
Miles and miles away from that particular Fire Nation ship, a starlit boat rocked back and forth in the Ba Sing Se port, lazily testing the strength of the rope keeping it securely tied to the dock. Two figures approached the ship, one of them tall and muscular while the other slender and curved. The smaller figure was leading, stride sure and determined. The taller of two kept having to jog to catch up, the tension in the shoulders clear even in the dim light.
"You're sure?" the taller one asked, his voice quiet enough to not carry—they were alone at the dock, sure, but it never hurt to be careful.
"I stood by and did nothing for years the last time I was in that place, and then continued to do nothing for years after that—enough is enough," the shorter figure replied, her voice gentle even with her hands clenched into tight fists.
"You told me that going back there would be suicide!"
"That was before he called for help."
"It's a call for help I'm perfectly able to answer on my own," the tall man asserted.
"Looking like you do? Oh darling, you really are a Ba Sing Se citizen through and through—the other nations aren't nearly as accommodating to outsiders."
"What happened to not wanting to risk being recognized?"
"I'll never get close enough to anyone who has anything to do with those who would even come close to recognizing me."
The man reached out to grab the woman's arm. She reluctantly allowed the touch, pausing long enough to turn and look at him.
"Are you sure?" he asked once more.
The woman tilted her head at him, her face hidden by the thick shroud she wore. She turned to search the horizon, reaching down to grab the hand of her companion as they both turned towards the ship.
With her free hand, the woman reached up to unclip her veil, eyeing the thing with open distaste before carelessly tossing the garment away. It floated on the breeze for only a moment before sinking down into the blackness of the water.
Ursa of the Fire Nation smiled at the feeling of the ocean air against her uncovered cheeks—it had been years since she had dared to show her face outside the safety of her flower shop walls. Freshly cut hair fell against her shoulders and sharp golden eyes scanned the horizon as an almost-forgotten fire began to tickle the skin of her palms.
"It's time to go home."
