Hello my beloved readers! It's been too long, way too long (and too short of a chapter, considering how long i've been away) but I'm back! This chapter was one of the hardest chapter I've ever had to write because I knew what I wanted but the words just refused to come out in a way that I liked but I pushed through and I'm fairly pleased with what I've decided to post!
...PROGRESS.
I'm hoping this chapter doesnt throw too many of you for too big of a loop or make you side-eye me like "Sapphire, beesh, what is you DOING?" but if it does...I promise, what's happening is NOT for shock value or to "get back" at anyone. I wasn't kidding when I said we would tackle more mature stuff in this book, y'all. Pain and lust and uncertainty and different coping methods (methods that you may or may not agree with) are included in that.
Now, to the Corona shaped elephant in the room: The world is going through a really rough time right now and so I just want to take a moment to send a bit of love to everyone reading this and to all of your families/friends/loved ones. It's okay to be stressed, it's okay to not have good days and to not be perfectly okay with all the change/isolation that's happening. Know that it's normal to feel angry/scared/upset at this - it's an upsetting time! Just know that you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way! If any of you need to talk/vent/cry, my message inbox is always open and I'm happy to support to the best of my ability!
Please stay home, please keep yourselves and those around you safe, take some serious introspective time to get to know yourself and your loved ones better (everyone's free to text/call/FaceTime so TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT) and focus on what you can do to stay healthy/stay mentally stable during this time. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress due to the virus, which has lent itself to an even harder time writing/feeling motivated to write about anything but pain and sadness. Some days are good, others are bad, and I'm trying to be okay with the ups and downs. I was jobless for a week, which was panic-inducing, but I've found work now and I'm starting to feel like I might get through this. So yay for baby steps!
It's as our Lord (of tea) and Savior (of angsty, yet endearing, honor-obsessed morons) Iroh says: "Sometimes life is like this dark tunnel. You can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you just keep moving, you will come to a better place."
Let's all be kind to each other and to ourselves, and spread love instead of feelings of fear and hopelessness.
On that note, let's get to the chapter!
Chapter Title Inspiration: "Demons", by Jacob Lee
If you have any questions, concerns or excited shrieking...
PLEASE REVIEW!
Chapter 6: Tear It Down Piece By Piece
Several weeks after the New Moon Festival Zuko found himself having lunch with Mai in his mother's gardens, as was their routine. The small notebook where he had begun storing the snippets of information about his father's next moves was secure in the inner pocket of his tunic—it never left his person except for when he slept, and even then it was tied to his wrist.
Zuko found himself distracted during the meal because it had been weeks and his uncle had yet to respond in any way to the note.
What did you expect him to do? He's in prison, Zuko mentally chided, frustrated at both his lack of foresight as well as the continued silence from the person he needed to talk to the most. The discomfort grew to the point that he lost all interest in his lunch—grilled fish and spiced potatoes; some of his favorites—and had to push the half-eaten plate away. Mai noticed his lack of appetite immediately and reached over to run a hand through his hair. Her fingers were long and perfectly manicured and for a moment he wanted nothing more than to push them away because they weren't hers.
But he restrained himself, because Mai was only trying to help and she didn't deserve to be punished for something outside of her control.
"You okay?" she asked quietly, too quietly for any passerby to overhear. That small consideration made him smile; Mai understood the importance of appearances better than most. He nodded, gently but firmly pulling her hand from his hair—there were some places that she just couldn't touch, not now and maybe never. To soften the blow he laced their fingers together and rested the joined hands on his knee.
"Yeah, just tired," he lied, feeling a mixture of relief and irritation when she nodded without argument and continued eating.
Dakota never would have let it drop—she would have placed herself in front of him and stared him down before holding out her hand to share fire because she knew how hard it was for him to say the words sometimes. Or maybe she would have dropped it as easily as Mai; perhaps he was in the wrong for placing her on a pedestal.
A sour feeling twisted in his gut at that and all at once the smells and heat of the garden became too much for him. With a half-hearted excuse to Mai he exited the courtyard and took comfort in the darker tunnels. His skin felt overly warm, especially when considering how short of a time he had spent in the sunlight. He let his feet lead him, not paying much attention to where he was going, and blinked when he found himself in the throne room. His father was visiting a neighboring lord that day and so the chamber was entirely empty, though the flames that led to the throne were still lit—they always were, even at night.
Zuko had been in the throne room several times since returning home but there was something utterly different about walking towards the throne alone. The fire roared on either side but the sound was muted due to his focus being on the ornate chair situated so high above the rest. With every step, a different memory flooded his mind, some from when he was but a child but most of them from the final days of his time in the Fire Nation before his banishment. How confident and ignorant he had been back then to think that his title of "prince" made him untouchable.
The young man reached the steps leading up to the throne and slowly ascended them. His skin crawled when the embers to his right let out a particularly loud hiss and another memory came back to him, then, this one somehow more jarring than all the rest.
He…he had done this before. Not in real life, but in that strange dream he had had that day in Ba Sing Se. Heart pounding, Zuko turned around, half-expecting to see the gold and blue dragons and hear Dakota and Azula's voices just as he had then.
The empty throne room was silent save for the familiar crackling of the fire. In the dream, he had been the one to light the pathway, had been so proud of the heavy Fire Lord robes he wore and so eager to sit in the throne. Almost without permission his hand reached out to touch the closest arm of the chair, sliding along the slight depression in the leather from where so many Fire Lords had rested their forearms as they oversaw the Fire Nation's affairs.
Zuko looked back at the smooth stone floor of the chamber. If he tried, he could almost see a much younger Zuko and Azula seated there before their grandfather, both nervous but Azula hiding it infinitely better than he ever could. The voice of his grandfather hadn't aged along with his body; it had remained crisp, sharp and cold until the day he died.
"Pathetic, truly, that the firstborn can't even meet my gaze. If it is out of fear, then all the more shame—fear of me is expected from weaker minds but as the heir it is your duty to hide that fear. Your sister has no hesitations in looking at me, but then again I never expected different from her…"
Zuko looked down at his feet, sucking in a deep breath as the old shame threatened to swallow him whole. Fire tickled the palms of his hands; an angry, bitter heat that whispered of the person he had once been.
"I was your grandson," he hissed into the emptiness, knowing that no answer would come but feeling the need to say the words anyway. The anger rose higher as his mind more securely settled into the statement—justified in the fury because the former Fire Lord hadn't minded that a child was completely and utterly terrified of him.
The fire faded from his fingers as he recalled another instance in which he had been scared to meet the gaze of the person before him: that night by the river after beating that drunken swordsman well beyond reason. Raw from sharing fire and confused by the sheer terror of what Dakota would say in response to what she had undoubtedly felt in said fire, he had avoided her eye and focused on his bruised hands instead—it was easier to look at the damage done to his hands than risk looking up and seeing the damage his recklessness might have caused.
The gentle urging in her fire proved to be too much; he was helpless to resist the urge to look up. What he found stole all the breath out of his chest: a smile. Not one that mocked and sneered down at him but one that understood.
Shaking his head to return himself to the present moment, Zuko glanced back at the chair that had been his obsession for so many years. The draw was still there, still tempting, but there was something stronger behind it. No longer was sitting on the throne a fantasy or a distant dream that might never be realized.
It's not if, Zuko realized as he strode down the stairs and out of the throne room, but when.
Dakota's blood burned, her hands grasping for purchase as strong hands hooked under her thighs and hoisted her up so that mouths could meet without much effort. Her back loudly collided with the cool wood of the mostly hidden alcove but she was beyond caring, her focus narrowed down to the heat skittering across her skin.
"You okay?" Wiat gasped when they broke apart for air, uncharacteristically concerned.
Too worked up to think of a coherent response, Dakota let out a sound of frustration and yanked Wiat's face back to hers, biting none too gently on the taller girl's lower lip. The response was immediate; the gypsy lashed out with her own teeth but on Dakota's neck rather than her lip.
A very undignified sound escaped her at that. Wiat snickered before kissing her again, rough and filthy and glorious.
Even in these moments, Dakota's brain couldn't entirely shut off. A small part of her knew that she was using the unexpected but not unwelcome sexual chemistry between Wiat and herself—discovered during a friendly sparring match a week after Dakota Firebent for the first time since Ba Sing Se—as a buffer but it felt so good that it wasn't too difficult to tell that part of her to shut the hell up.
Another part of her was marveling; before Wiat had kissed her for the first time on the watch post, she hadn't even considered the idea that she might be attracted to women. Sure, she found them beautiful and openly admired them but never had she felt that strong of a draw until the day Wiat smiled at her for the first time.
Wiat was sarcastic and pretty and her soft lips were so different than Zuko's—
Ice flooded Dakota's veins, just for a moment, and thank God for Wiat because the girl chose that moment to slide one of her hands down Dakota's body and between her legs. The feeling of the girl's thumb against her most sensitive spot was so sudden and sharp that it yanked her right out of the ice and into the fire again.
"Spirits, you're so hot," Wiat whispered, and Dakota couldn't help but giggle a little at that, a giggle that morphed into a whimper when the older girl moved her hand in just the right way.
"Where I come from," Dakota panted. "Saying someone is hot is saying that they're super, super attractive."
Wiat's dark green eyes met hers, then, and the intensity in them made Dakota's heart lurch uneasily.
"I mean it both ways, then."
Dakota blinked, unsure of what to say. Wiat didn't seem to care that she was silent and wasted no time in moving her thumb again, this time more firmly and—
"Can someone find her, then?" Luka's voice came from around the corner of the alcove. Before either Wiat or Dakota could move, the girl in question walked into view, her next orders dying in her throat as she took in the position they were in. Dakota frantically squirmed out of Wiat's hold and onto her own two feet, scowling when Wiat's face remained unfazed.
"Oh for the love of—never mind!" the Waterbender yelled back to whomever she had been speaking with. Dakota's cheeks were so red that they'd probably burst into flames in the next few seconds.
Luka fixed both of them with an exasperated look, one that was softened by the slight smirk that threatened at the corner of her mouth.
"I've heard rumors that a Lelino and a Rena have been sneaking around for the past few weeks and I have to say…I'm not in the least bit surprised."
Dakota crossed her arms over her chest. "What's that supposed to mean? We've been subtle!"
Wiat let out a sound that was suspiciously close to a snort but when Dakota fixed her with an accusing glare the girl's face was smooth and innocent. Luka smiled, but it was a weak smile, and it was then that Dakota saw the tension in her friend's shoulders.
"Is everything alright?" she asked, combative mood sobering at once.
Luka's lips pursed. "Our lookouts have spotted a conflict between two Fire Nation ships a few miles away. One of the ships is using a combination of Earthbending and Waterbending—"
Dakota didn't register the next words, the world shifting on its axis in a flurry of memory. A flash of an image on a television screen—Toph, Sokka and a man that could only be Sokka and Katara's father dressed in Fire Nation attire and standing on a Fire Nation ship—and suddenly she knew.
Luka's voice brought her back:
"You know them."
Dakota nodded. "They're the ones that saved me after Azula…after she…"
The words stuck themselves in her throat, sharp and unyielding, and before her mind could take her back to the icy chill of that horrible room a hand fell on her shoulder. Startled, she looked up at Wiat, only to find the girl looking down at her with a small smile on her face.
Luka's eyes were somber as they flickered between the two of them. Before Dakota could ask what was wrong the Waterbender straightened, every bit the Chieftess she would one day become.
"I'll go tell my father that we need to send aid, then. Go to the docking raft when you hear the bell," she ordered. With one last look at Wiat, Luka turned and hurried away, her long brown hair shining in the bright sunlight.
"So," Wiat said casually, leaning against the wall. "I guess this is it."
Dakota frowned. "You say that like I'm never going to see you again."
"You won't."
The statement was a slap to the face and Dakota felt anger join the shock of Luka's revelation. Pushing Wiat away, she squared her shoulders and glared up at the other girl.
"Why would you—" she began, but was cut off by Wiat suddenly leaning down to kiss her.
The kiss wasn't one of the bruising, savage kisses that set Dakota's body aflame. It was gentle—too gentle, because instead of burning through the pain of her memories it took her back to that day in the alley behind Pao's tea shop, took her back to the moment in which another person had kissed her with that same hesitant tenderness—
Dakota took a frantic step back, breaking the connection and struggling to keep her expression from betraying just how close to tears she was. If Wiat's knowing look was anything to go on, she had failed miserably in her attempt. Her chest felt too tight, too raw, and yet she found herself unable to break eye contact because even through the tangled mess of her emotions she recognized that she was witnessing the beginning of something and an end to that something, all at once.
When the sounds of the boarding bell reached them, Dakota was the one to walk away, neither of them saying a word as she did.
Toph snarled under her breath as the entire ship shuddered with the force of the enemy Fire Nation ship's attack. Her energy levels was still high but their supply of earth and scrap metal was running low and that was what worried her. Katara was doing some damage with her Waterbending but there was only so much the older girl could do from such a distance.
"How much longer do you have?" Sokka asked—if it had been anyone else, the almost silent approach would have been rewarded with a solid punch to the stomach but since it was him she settled for scowling.
"I can go all day but I don't think we have enough dirt and metal for that," Toph gritted out as she readied another sharp, earthen disk. Without needing prompting Sokka shifted to stand behind her and moved her so she was facing the enemy ship that she couldn't see. On his count she let the large projectile fly and felt her chest swell with vicious pride when the sounds of it hitting her target vibrated across the water.
Yeah, she was pretty awesome.
The sound of Katara creating a wall of water shivered across her skin—no matter how many times it happened, the watery hissing sound always sent chills down her spine. Sokka's dad—his voice was lower than Sokka's but had the same intonation and therefore was one that Toph could pick out no matter how loud things got—called out for them to take cover and without thinking she used the earth scattered around her feet to create a protective dome above Sokka and herself.
A few pieces of metal hit her makeshift shield; even though Katara's shield could easily extinguish any fire sent their way, it wasn't quite enough to keep the shrapnel from reaching the deck.
"We need Aang," Toph groaned as more metal hit—one piece pierced the lower end of the shield and scratched at her thigh. The cut wasn't deep but it hurt! "Airbending is the only thing that's going to keep the metal from hitting us!"
"If he comes up, we'll have to kill every single person on that ship to keep his secret safe. We can't let that happen," Sokka shot back. Spirits, but was he noble—or, in other words, annoying.
"Even when they're doing their best to kill every single one of us?" she demanded, ignoring the throbbing of her leg in favor of preparing another disk. This one she added sharp spikes to—maybe it would do enough damage to cease the attacks long enough to give her a breather.
Her attention wavered when Sokka's heartbeat suddenly jumped in speed. Disk forgotten, she flung her arm out in his direction in an attempt to figure out what was wrong. In the same moment she heard an unfamiliar sound—a deep, unified drumming that seemed to come from every direction.
"Sokka, what's happening?" she asked, silently cursing—not for the first time—their need to be on the ship and in the open ocean because sure, it was a good way to travel but it also meant that Toph was useless.
Her entire body froze at the vibrations filling the air—the roar of fire and screams from the enemy ship that had been busy attacking them just moments before. Sokka's grip on her tightened and for the first time since the fight had started she felt a tickle of fear at the back of her throat because the entire ship was silent and that meant that no one knew if the unfamiliar presence was friend or foe.
And then, what felt like seconds later, the air was deathly silent and the only thing Toph was sure of was the thudding of her own heartbeat and the forced calm of Sokka's breathing. The sound of a ship approaching was almost a relief after the silence and as it grew closer—the splashing of the water against the boat told Toph it was made of wood, not metal—she heard a shocked gasp from Katara, followed immediately by frantic whispering to her father.
In the same moment Toph felt Sokka's entire body freeze, mirroring her own, and she was left confused and frustrated until a familiar presence touched down on their ship's deck. The moment it did everything shifted because she knew that weight, knew that specific warmth even if the way the person held herself was slightly different than it had been before.
Dakota spoke, then, and the sound of her voice would have removed all doubt had Toph allowed any to fester in the first place—which she hadn't, because her senses were never wrong.
"Finally—I got to save someone else for a change!"
