As his mind descended into oblivion and madness enveloped every thinking part of his brain, all Iruka could feel was excitement. The train approached his station quickly, bringing a raging storm in his heart. To quit his job and jump into a train the next morning, travelling happily to a destination he had never ever seen, accepting an offer from a man he knew almost nothing about. It was like butterflies had taken permanent residence in his belly, a warmith surging forward, staining his face red.
Iruka would never think that this was what insanity felt like. As if he was a kid going to his first day of school.
He couldn't stop thinking that maybe Kakashi's craziness was rubbing off on him. It wasn't natural to him to make rushed decisions, especially those that would change a great deal in his life. And it certainly wasn't his usual to hide these decisions from Naruto. To not tell Genma and Raidou was justifiable, at least in the beginning. But this was the type of changes he would thoroughly discuss with his son.
It wasn't only fear of judgment that made him act this way, but also the possibility that, had Genma known, he would be seen off on the station with a cheering team, encouragement posters and probably some organized dancing. He just couldn't deal with this right now.
To be so close to Kakashi wasn't going to be easy. Iruka really wanted to see how it would pan out, what exactly he'd say to Naruto when he finally sat with the boy to tell him the news. He wouldn't risk his most loved person to think he was actually approaching a rich man for money, nor that he was exchanging some part of himself, being company or body, for monetary compensation.
Not that Naruto would actually judge him or think that of him, but he sure would be worried. And honestly, Iruka didn't have the strength right now to deal with all of this properly.
He would, and he promised himself that, tell Naruto as soon as he had a grasp at exactly what he would be doing, both as secretary and as someone Kakashi had trusted his so precious library to. Probably at the end of the week, at most.
All of this reasoning couldn't take the guilt from his already overwhelmed heart. He had earphones on, playing something that should calm him down. But neither the music nor the hot tea he was nurcering was helping, at all.
Since he woke up, Iruka was trying really hard not to think about Kakashi. What his decision meant on a more personal and emotional level. He was giving the man a chance, something Kakashi had asked him countless times. Iruka was allowing himself to trust someone that had all the potential to hurt him tremendously. And he couldn't even explain why.
Allowing Kakashi into his life wasn't something he could take lightly. Yet, he was doing this pretty much on a whim. Excitement mingled with confusion. Endless questions he was screaming at himself went unanswered. So Iruka had to convince himself that it was nothing more than a job. That done, he ignored every little whisper of doubt in his mind, he'd made his decision, he was going through with it. And it would all work well, it had to.
The train stopped, bringing him back to reality. Finishing his tea and throwing away the cup he allowed himself to contemplate his decision. Hoping for all that was sacred to him that it was the right one. He was already being consumed by guilt for not telling Naruto about it, he didn't need the shame and hurt of taking the wrong step.
"Off with the negativity", he thought to himself, brushing imaginary dust from his shirt and looking hopeful at the stairs that would take him to the surface, he still had a fifteen minutes walk until he was finally at his destination. It didn't bother him to have to take public transportation or walk. But he would like the extra time in the morning that a car would provide him.
That was just another thing he had sacrificed to assure Naruto a good life and education, his car. It was an old green Nissan his father had left him, and it probably produced more pollution than his entire village alone. He did love it though. If nothing else, it was full of memories.
Iruka didn't know what to expect as he approached Kakashi's home, the man certainly had enough money for a mansion, but somehow Iruka knew it wasn't his style. He was so distracted that the change of scenery almost went unnoticed by him. People chattering and tall buildings were gradually giving place to more quiet streets, with houses and front yards, little gardens here and there. An old lady waved at him from a window and Iruka smiled brightly at her. For the last five minutes of his walk all he could see was greenery, with a gravel path leading to a tall and solid wooden gate.
He stopped some meters away from the gate, admiring how beautiful the entrance was. Iruka didn't expect a full on mansion, with iron automated gates and tall menacing concrete walls. But he didn't expect it to be full on traditional either. In reality, Kakashi's home was a mystery for him, as was Kakashi himself.
The gate that received him was dark and it seemed old, but well cared for. A live wall surrounded the property, trees on all sides gave it a subtle privacy. It wasn't cold or uninviting, and Iruka didn't really understand why this surprised him.
"No turning back now," he told himself, giving one more step towards the gate and stopping once more. He didn't know what to do. Should he go for the intercom or should he call Kakashi? Calling didn't feel right, he shouldn't cross the fine line between their friendship and professional relationship. The intercom it was.
Decision made he walked forward, not having time to find the intercom as the gates opened to receive him just as he approached. Of course they'd have a camera and would have known that he was there as soon as he arrived. He looked inside the front garden, curiosity robbing him of his manners. It had as many plants and gardens as the outside. Two paths made of gravel, a big one that he assumed led to a garage and a small one leading to the house.
His eyes followed the small one, stopping at a tall and broad man coming in his direction, dressed in green gym shorts and a tight dark green tank top. That would be Gai, running towards Iruka with a smile so bright it was almost blinding.
It was nerve wracking, to stand there as the man ran towards him. He smiled back to Gai, waving timidly. At a loss of words.
When the Gai wrapped him in a bear hug, Iruka saw moments of his life passing before his eyes, and he could only think that if he had a chance to live again, he would probably be a little less predictable and eat more chocolate.
But then the embrace was gone and Iruka took a deep breath, running his hands all over his body to make sure no bone had broken.
"Iruka-Sensei," Gai said as excitedly as possible and the professor immediately looked up, "I can't contain the glee in my heart, such is my happiness to see you finally here. Kakashi is so anxious he can't stop walking around the house, so scared he is that you wouldn't come"
Iruka stared, was Kakashi really that anxious? To think that he'd cause this reaction was somewhat endearing.
"I'm sorry if I made you wait," Iruka recovered and smiled, Gai had been kind to him from the first moment and - even if he didn't know the concept of personal space, Iruka couldn't help but being kind too "I underestimated the walk here"
"There is no need for you to apologise" The security guard had his arm wrapped around his shoulders and quickly ushered him inside, at this point Iruka just let him, "Come, let's not make my dear friend wait any more. I think one more minute and his hurt will burst, his anguish is unmeasurable"
Iruka didn't know how to respond to it, but already being good at translating Gai's speeches, he rested assured that Kakashi's heart was at no risk of exploding any time soon. He took his time to look at the house. It was wonderful, a mixture of tradition and modernity, white and dark wood, big glass windows that for sure would bath the house in light, plants all over the path and entrance. Iruka was beginning to suspect that all the green around the house was Gai's doing.
He expected to be received by Kakashi himself, but instead he was welcomed in by two other men, they smiled at him, bowing lightly. Their energy was much more contained than Gai's. Both seemed pleasant and somewhat curious.
"Nice to finally meet you Sensei." The one a fringe on his forehead greeted him. "I am Izumo, this is Kotetsu," He said, tapping his hand lightly on the chest of the man next to him, they were about the same height and dressed ins suits, Kotetsu had a messy hair and got a bit closer to Izumo as Iruka bowed to them.
"I hope Gai didn't give you much trouble, I'm sure his already making plans to help Kakashi and you to accept the love destiny is offering," he laughed when Iruka looked at him, ready to retort, "Don't worry, we are the ones trying to assure your sanity remains in place thru all this ordeal"
"And the ones that convinced him he should look for an escort," Iruka smiled when they blushed slightly, guilt written all over their faces, "I'm just guessing".
"You must understand, it is not easy for us to deal with Kakashi without some reinforcements," Izumo justified himself. Iruka couldn't help but notice how he pushed Kotetsu forward, using him as a shield.
"We were hoping to distract him a little bit, we knew he wasn't going to take it seriously, but we did get him to socialize. And, in the end, he met you. So I guess it worked out just fine" Kotetsu said, shrugging, he pushed his hands on his pockets and smiled, noticing that Iruka was just teasing them. Iruka smiled back, amused.
"It's my pleasure," Iruka finally said, noticing how Izumo relaxed a bit. He couldn't stop wondering, with the proximity of both men, if they were something more than friends. They looked very connected to each other.
"Off with you three," Iruka looked behind the men, having to stop himself from smiling like a love struck teenager when he saw Kakashi. The man had relief written all over his face, and something else that Iruka chose to not read too much into, Iruka's heart was already pounding happily in his chest as it was, "You came," Iruka did smiled then. How couldn't he, when joy was so evident in Kakashi's voice.
"I told you I would," he could see how big Kakashi's smile was even with the mask, they stood there, looking at each other with smiles on their faces. As if the world had stopped and the other three men in the room didn't exist.
"So," Izumo began, Iruka looked at him instantly, in time to see how smug he was, "I see you guys need some privacy," Iruka glared, wich made Izumo's smile grow bigger, to his dismay, "Kakashi, behave ok? We'll see you guys later"
Iruka glanced in Kakashi's direction, the man was avoiding eye contact, the little amount of skin that was visible was tinted red and Iruka could swear he heard him muttering something about "Insolent servants" with no real bite to it.
"We should stay and assist Iruka-Sensei in his work, we are at the spring of our youth and our strength would help a great deal in the effort to bring the library back to its prime, we should show our new friend our hospitality" Iruka was ready to answer Gai, tell him that he appreciate the offer but it was really his job, but Gai was already being pulled away from them, Kotetsu muttering to him, not with much discretion, that they should just leave them alone.
The implications were not lost to Iruka.
"Shall we?" Kakashi was quick to call Iruka's attention back to him, he was already composed, hands shoved in his pockets as he obviously tried to hide how unsure he was. The way he looked at Iruka was endearing, softening his heart up with not much effort.
"Of course, I'm already late, aren't I?" He smiled and bowed quickly, "I'm sorry for not being here earlier, I miscalculated the distance and ended up having to walk a bit more than expected"
"You...walked?" Iruka straightened up and nodded, not understanding the puzzled look in Kakashi's face.
"Yes, and took the train, don't worry about it," Iruka said before Kakashi opened his mouth, already knowing what he was going to say, "Realy, don't, I'm used to it"
Kakashi stared at him for a while, wheels turning in his head as he fought his instincts to say something about it, he finally settled and smiled at Iruka, "I'll show you the library, come with me Sensei"
Iruka frowned at the nickname, but didn't retort, a tiny smile curved his lips and he was doing his best to hide it. This was new, this warmith enveloping him, attracting him to Kakashi. He felt safe there, surrounded by the man's smell and his supriziling cozy home. Iruka could see it was big and the decorations were certainly expensive, but it wasn't a mansion and it wasn't full of unnecessary demonstrations of the wealth. It was decorated with good taste and had personal touches of Kakashi, and the others - judging by the big green landscape painting he could see in the hall.
And then the library doors opened, and Iruka froze. It was as if he had just found the results of a large-scale natural disaster. The level of destruction was incomparable, books were scattered on the floor, shelves were drowned in an unholy amount of dust. Iruka noticed that there were a lot of crumpled paper, but they mostly looked blank. As if someone had literally picked up a handful of paper, crumpled it, and scattered about the place.
Even in all that mess the teacher could see how big the place was, bigger than all the places where he had lived. The shelves on the walls were wood, as was most of the house, and extended from floor to ceiling, with some stairs positioned to reach the tallest books, curiously in place, arranged in perfect order. Iruka also noticed some decorative pieces that seemed extremely expensive, and which seemed not to have been touched, not a grain of dust.
Iruka looked a second time, absorbing every little detail. There were very old and precious books that sat carefully at a leather armchair, they looked a bit dusty, but nothing really worrisome. Yes, books were scattered about, opened randomly, some on the shelfs - out of place if judging by how they didn't match themes or authors. It was certainly chaos, but it looked like a controlled chaos.
And in the midst of all that mess was Kakashi. Completely relaxed looking very interested in a potted plant in a corner.
"You did it on purpose," He accused and Kakashi finally looked at him. His eyes were curved into a small smile and he put his hands in a defensive position..
"You being unfair, Senseiā¦" Kakashi looked around, as if searching for the reason he was being blamed, "I hardly believe I could make such a mess on my own, don't you think?"
"Hatake Kakashi, you did it and you got your friend to help," Iruka said with his best teacher glare, enjoying for a brief moment how Kakashi recoiled at his voice. The enjoyment didn't last for long, being soon taken over by the anger boiling low in his heart.
It was infuriating, how Kakashi could take him from one extreme to another, keeping him on his toes. How could a man affect him so much? And for god's sake, why did Iruka let him? Once again he had given Kakashi a chance, just to realise he had been lied to just so Kakashi could gain what he wanted from him.
He stared Kakashi down, the man didn't dare to deny again. Already looking like a beaten up puppy despite Iruka not having said a word. And Iruka wanted to, he wanted to scream and curse and give the infuriating man exactly what he was in for. But he found himself muted. A knot in his throat prevented him from saying even a word.
Kakashi was looking at him like he was desperate, scared even. And, despite being still angry, all Iruka really wanted now was to hug Kakashi and promise him everything would be fine. It wasn't fair, it really wasn't. How the other created so many contradicting feelings in him and pushed his boundaries. Iruka took a deep breath, his gaze softening, but he was still fuming. He pressed his lips together, wanting to scold Kakashi, but not knowing what to say or how to say it.
"I can't believe you did it," Iruka whispered and Kakashi flinched at the disappointment in Iruka's voice, "You ask me for a chance and say you want to take care of me, but then you go ahead and lie to me. Just so I do what you want"
"Iruka, listen" Iruka turned his face and Kakashi stopped talking right away, not really knowing what to say. How to justify himself.
"Why Kakashi? Do you really care, or did you just want to force me to be close to you? Or, maybe it was pity, so, which one Hatake-San? "
"Iruka, please, just listen to me," But Iruka wouldn't, he stared at Kakashi again with those hurt filled eyes and Kakashi swallowed his words.
"Did you have fun Kakashi-San? Knowing I'd quit my job and come work here, stuck to a situation that you had full control of?"
"Iruka, please" Kakashi couldn't keep the pleading out of his voice, he wanted to, needed to, sit Iruka down some place and wrap him up in a comfortable blanket, give him tea and make him listen.
Kakashi couldn't hear another word, and in a second Iruka had his back pressed against the door and Kakashi all around him, hugging him as tight as he could. He could feel how Iruka's chest raised with a deep breath, that he held as he stared at him in shock. Kakashi's arms around Iruka were firm, but they were also gentle, not to hurt or scare him. Kakashi finally understood what he had just done and opened his eyes wide as he realized how close their face and body were. Only then did he realize that he was almost gasping..
"Calm down," Kakashi whispered, and he could feel how Iruka's tense body reacted to it, relaxing for a split second, "I don't feel sorry for you, I'm not trying to control you. Please listen to me, please," Kakashi had watery eyes and he didn't know why, his voice was strained and he felt something heavy in his chest.
"How can I listen to you again if all you do is lie and manipulate me?" Iruka tried to sound defiant, but all he could do was a breathless whisper.
"Iruka, I'm not manipulating you. I'm trying to help you, I have no ill intentions towards you and you know that, so please listen to me," Kakashi relaxed his grip a little when he noticed that Iruka was more subdued. But he didn't move his body, the warmth and welcoming smell coming from Iruka was too inviting to get away from, "I undertand how stupid this is, and how crazy I sound, I offered you the library without thinking and I wouldn't withdraw the offer. I only wanted to see you doing what you love, and see you happy"
At some point Kakashi laid his head on Iruka's chest, and the teacher allowed him to. Hatake was trembling, without thinking much he pressed Iruka against him again, releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding "But I did it for you, not out of pity, nor to have you do what I want you to. But because I know that you love to teach, not to serve coffee. And for now, all I can do is to have you close to me, where I can make sure Mizuki wont get to you, and somewhere I know you'll love to be"
"Why?" The question was whispered in such a delicate voice that Kakashi only heard it due to his closeness.
"I don't know, but I have this need to take care of you. So, please, let me," Kakashi was literally begging, "You don't have to keep me company, you don't have to talk to me. You don't even need to look at me, just let me help you with the job," He took a deep breath "Please"
"Hatake-San," Iruka whispered, again Kakashi flinched, he could just hear the ""no"coming.
"Please," He whispered, the feeling of Iruka's hand's on his hair had his heart doing little flips in his chest, he felt so happy and yet so hopeless, "I have a library completely destroyed, and I can't think of no one better than you to put it back in order. Please. You said you were going to give me a chance, that we could be friends, didn't you?"
"The only reason it is destroyed is because you destroyed it," It seemed like he had said the wrong thing, Iruka pushed him away and the warmith was gone. Kakashi felt suddenly very cold and alone. Iruka's eyes were smouldering.
"Yes," Kakashi smiled sheepishly, and for some reason he knew Iruka wasn't so mad at him anymore, "What do you say?"
"Will you leave me alone while I'm doing it?" Kakashi nodded enthusiastically, he just wanted to take Iruka in his arms again, would him be mad if he did it? "And will you stop interfering with my life?" Iruka had a certain authority in his voice and sternness in his gaze that indicated that this was not a question, but an order.
"Yes?" Kakashi tried an answer that would not compromise him, knowing he walked a fine line.
"Hatake-San ..." Iruka said warningly.
"Yes," Kakashi answered firmly, biting his lips under his masks, "But please, call me Kakashi"
Iruka took a deep breath, looking away from him and shaking his head, Kakashi waited, his heart pounding, "Kakashi," the man finally said, making him relax with a wave of relief.
"Yes?" He whispered back.
"Leave me alone, please?"
Kakashi opened his mouth, ready to say something, but he had nothing to say. Iruka wanted space, he should just give it to him. And so he did. Taking a very reluctant step back, not really wanting to get further away from him. But he did, and Iruka got away from the door so he could leave.
As Kakashi left the room he was no longer feeling the dread he felt before. He did feel, however, that he had screwed up immensely. It was like his relationship with Iruka always took two steps forward and one step back. They were moving slowly. And Kakashi was sure that if he kept this pace, they wouldn't move at all anymore.
He needed to get a hold of himself. He had something with Iruka that he was not going to give up anytime soon.
Iruka slid down the door, his breath still raged, he didn't know what the hell had just happened. He was furious and ready to just burst into flames in a moment, and completely flustered in the other. He couldn't react with Kakashi as close as he had gotten, holding him so dearly that it washed away all of Iruka's rage.
He was the one who was lied to, yet Kakashi had felt so fragile and desperate that he couldn't do anything but console him and hold him close. The man had trembled and begged him and Iruka felt like giving him anything he asked. And Iruka just hated it.
If he was fully honest with himself he pretty much wanted to take Kakashi's mask away and just kiss him. For his sanity, he wouldn't be fully honest with himself. He was feeling so lost and angry that he could just sit there and cry without even really knowing why. Tears rolled down his eyes, but it wasn't coming from sadness, he remembered Kakashi's words and how he'd held him. He felt insane as he smiled, a certain giddiness and euphoria overwhelming him.
