All Kakashi wanted now was to be alone, to find himself a dark little corner and just stay there until Iruka's memories of him were inexistent. He really didn't understand how he could be so proficient in screwing up the nicest thing he had going in his life for a long time now. It's not like having a successful business and loyal, even if a bit crazy, friends made for a bad life. But he really had missed the thrill and the unexpected little things Iruka was bringing into his world, and he didn't even notice how he'd missed it.
His days before his lovely teacher came barging into his little social circle, cold water into his face and all, had been fun. He'd been experiencing lots of feelings he had either never felt, or had forgotten about. Not knowing if Iruka would smile at some silly thing he'd say, or if he would do that angry and adorable little pout, kept Kakashi on his toes, and he kinda liked it. To have to work for a relationship, it was different for him.
Not that his friends had come easily to him, on the contrary. But then, they were kids, and making friends as a child, even if you were a very strange child, was somewhat different than dealing with grown up, intelligent, full of personality, handsome professors. And it was Iruka's little nuances that made him yearn for more. To be close to him and decipher him, or just to enjoy his warm and comforting company.
Kakashi felt lost, he couldn't get a grasp on how to act around Iruka. He kept making a fool of himself and saying, or worst, doing the wrong thing. He would infuriate the other man and, Kakashi was pretty sure now, he was getting Iruka to hate him. He'd lie without intending to, because he couldn't think clearly around the other. He'd invade his privacy without even noticing that what he was doing was upsetting, because he was a practical man, and when he wanted to know something about someone, well, that was what he'd do.
Being logical and practical, throwing a bit of money at problems, developing straightforward strategies, that's the way of a businessman. And that's what has gotten Kakashi thus far. Being cold was necessary sometimes. Especially in his case, he'd been held to a very high standard and watched intently by his peers and the media since he was five, before that, even. Accounting for feelings, emotions, traumas and all these unpredictable little things, that he couldn't fit in statistics, that was difficult.
His friends, they were used to his quirks. They knew he wasn't an inconsiderable, selfish little brat. They knew he loved them very much and that he cared for them. He didn't need to tell them that, or do little gestures that would show them. Mostly because he didn't actually know how to. He was learning with them, but it was a long process.
Things he should've known from childhood and didn't, those were the things preventing him from knowing exactly what to do or how to act in normal social interactions. And he wasn't creating excuses for himself, he knew his shortcomings and he really wanted to work on them. He just hoped to be able to do so in enough time to regain Iruka's trust.
These new feelings were conflicting and made him anxious. He wanted to run from this as he did with anything that even resembled a relationship. Wanted to throw himself into his work and make some trips, to erase that warmith that surrounded his heart when Iruka smiled. Kakashi wanted to forget how sweaty his hands felt when he'd been so close to the other man, or how he could feel his pulse hammering in his chest as Iruka was approaching him. He really, really wanted to pretend that he never smiled like a foolish man when thinking about something Iruka had said. And he wished he didn't have urges to share with him the little things he heard or seen throughout his day. Things that made him think of Iruka.
Above all else, he wanted to never feel that gnarly twist in his stomach every time he did or said something that upset Iruka. It was desperating, how just thinking of never seeing the man again or having Iruka hate him, took his breath away. The anguish that left him with a tight knot in his throat and a cold feeling in his chest. That empty pit at the bottom of his stomach.
Yes, Kakashi wanted to run away from all of this.
But then, Iruka needed him. To protect him against Mizuki and help him out with the University job and Naruto's education. Ok, he wasn't even fooling himself with this one. Iruka didn't need him a bit. It was him that needed all that fire burning in those stunning brown eyes, and the soothing effect that voice had on him even when scolding him. It was Kakashi that needed the promises in Iruka's passion for life. Promises of days full of laughter and promises that even Kakahsi could be held, and loved. Promises of a simple life, with no midia or no expectations. A promise to just be, and have someone to be with.
Something Kakashi never wished for, or thought about. But now he had a glimpse of it, and all of the sudden he yearned for it. He was filled with melancholy when thinking about a day spent around a fire, telling little snippets of a life story, or walking on the sand of some fisher village. How could he miss things he never had?
If he was honest with himself, he would remember he did have these memories. In an earlier time, expent with two other people he never really knew how to love, two friends he'd lost, just to find out how much he really cared for them. Before Gai and the other two, before he'd vow to never really love someone again. Kakashi shook his head, not really wanting to open that pandora's box just yet.
He sat at his chair, having a breath caught in his throat, as if he couldn't release it properly and missed the oxygen even if he was breathing just fine. Kakashi was looking somewhere, his eyes unfocused as he thought about everything and nothing at the same time. He felt so anxious, without being completely able to pinpoint the reason. Then his door opened and he instantly raised his eyes to the new comer. Tenzou was standing at his door, a mixed expression of concern and annoyance on his face. Folding his arms in his chest as he leaned on the door.
They just stared at each other for a few seconds and when Kakashi finally opened his lips to ask what it was that the other wanted, Tenzou shook his head, as if to say that it didn't matter, Kakashi closed his mouth, turning his chair and staring out the window. His back to his friend.
"What important meeting am I losing today?" He asked instead, trying to hide how tightened his voice sounded.
"Not a meeting, but you should be at work, Senpai"
Kakashi smiled, even if Tenzou couldn't see it and even if it was fake, "Who says I'm not working? I'm the boss, I can work from home whenever I want to"
"I know you Kakashi," Kakashi flinched, he knew that tone and knew that Tenzou could see right through him, "What happened this time?"
"I screwed it up again, as always. Nothing new under the sun" Kakashi got up now, not really wanting to pursue this line of conversation, "I'll go and get ready, I'll meet you at the office"
"Boy, you must be really upset if you prefer to be working than to be here. Gai tells me that Iruka is here, at the library," Just to show how determined he was to not have that talk just now, Kakashi pretended no to hear his friend, going right past him. Just to have his hand grabbed, "What happened?"
"Tenzou, I can't believe you are preventing me from going to work" Kakashi said, feightning shock and pulling his hand away, "Don't dwell on it, I'm fine"
Tenzou did let him go then. Whispering to himself that - if Kakashi was really fine, he wouldn't be closing himself again.
After sometime of letting himself drawn in conflicted emotions Iruka decided that he should get up and at least assess the scope of the work he would need to do. His angryness wasn't taking him anywhere anytime soon. He didn't even know whom he was angry with. If with himself, for believing someone he really didn't know, or if with Kakashi for lying.
He could even be angry with himself for reacting the way he did, or for not really believing Kakashi had lied out of selfishness or pity. And he was definitively angry with himself for missing the feeling of being held in Kakashi's arms, or for wanting to hold him right back. He took a long, labored breath and got up, taking out his hair tie and trying to wrangle some of the rebellious loose strands falling down his face. Rubbing the back of his hand on his cheeks, to clean away the evidence of crying, he looked around once more.
The gross of the damage was obviously planned and easily reversed. But the library was really in need of some good cleaning and rearranging. Just looking at it, Iruka knew he would love to change the layout of the bookshelves and how the books were organised. He could see how some needed a bit of love and care, small repairs that he wouldn't dare to do, but certainly would recommend that a specialist do it.
He wondered if they had an inventory and if he would be allowed to make one in case they didn't. Maybe suggestions on how to grow the collection. Yes, there was a job to be done, even if most of it was caused by Kakashi and his infuriating need to interfere with Iruka's life.
Or maybe the man really just wanted to help and got a little confused on how to go about it. It wasn't difficult for Iruka to see now just how social inept Kakashi really was, and - as a teacher that dealt with a lot of kids with a whole plethora of traumas and quirks, he couldn't help but be sympathetic and understanding.
The man just needed a bit of guidance and patience, some scolding here and there, and he would be alright. He had his heart in the right place. Or so Iruka believed. The problem was, Iruka believed that Mizuki had his heart in the right place one time. And everyone knew where that had taken him.
That was what was so infuriating to him. Not knowing if he was right in being wary of Kakashi's motives or if he was just allowing Mizuki to take his ability to trust away from him. And Iruka didn't want to allow that, to give power to a man he'd done everything to forget. He'd taken his life back, he had sole control over it. He couldn't let that awful being prevent him from giving a little bit of his heart to someone that truly cared for him. Even if he didn't know why this someone cared.
He did feel cared for by Kakashi. It could be from the amount of times the man had asked him to allow himself to be cared for, or it could be because, despite the absurdity of Kakashi's actions, the man did put in an awful amount of effort to help him. Kakashi had slowly gained a space in Iruka's life, getting him to expect his presence, to even anticipate it.
He'd never admit how anxious he got when he knew Kakashi would show up. Or how he loved how Kakashi smelled, and how the other's voice made him shiver from time to time.
They were sharing something, experiencing something that Iruka couldn't put his finger on. But he was reluctant to let it go. He felt compelled to believe Kakashi, and hated the man for it. Iruka closed his eyes, forcefully relaxing his body. He needed cleaning supplies, a notepad to organise himself and a whole lot of water. He also needed to dive into his work and keep his mind from going too deep into his and Kakashi's relationship. Whatever relationship they had.
He jumped when the door suddenly opened, twisting his mouth in an annoyed expression before even turning to see who it was, "Kakashi, I told you that I need a little bit of time"
"I'm sorry Umino-San, I just wanted to talk with you," Iruka turned, blushing a little bit when he saw Tenzou instead of Kakashi. He hoped he could hide the disappointment from his face, "Is that ok?"
He bowed, smiling politely at the man, "Yes of course, is there something I can help with?"
"You can stop breaking my boss," Iruka looked at the man a bit confused, despite what Tenzou had said, he didn't look upset, "He really cares for you, and I can't have you two in this mess for too long, we have important meetings and events coming up"
"Look," Iruka began, his voice leveled and posture straight, ready to defend himself, "I understand that you worry abo-"
"Please sit down Umino-San, I need you to listen to me before you get offended," Tenzou offered the leather armchair, sitting himself in the couch that matched it, Iruka knew that whatever the man had to say, it was important, so he sat and prepare himself to listen.
"I understand it is difficult to deal with Kakashi, I didn't have an easy time myself when I started working with him. He deals with things his way, because that is the only way he knows how. He doesn't have a lot of close people and even the closest ones have difficulties getting him to interact and share his life. But he chose to share it with you for some reason"
Tenzou smiled, he seemed to know Kakashi very well, and to really care for him. Iruka thought it was nice that Kakashi had people like that around him. He could understand what the man was telling him, and why he'd worry about his friend. But he felt a little anxious, because it was obvious that Tenzou had a problem with their relationship and, even without understanding why, Iruka really didn't feel comfortable having Kakashi's friend disapprove of him.
"To put shortly, Kakashi is infuriating, sarcastic, and sometimes he can be a real lazy bastard. He hates being around people and having to talk to them, he ran away from every meaningful relationship he came close to have in the last ten years, he can put on a face in front of the cameras, sometimes be the joy of a partie, but he really loves to be alone and deal with just his three equally crazy friends, and me. He would hide from the world if we let him. He tries to solve everything with a bunch of information gathering and money, because that is what you do in business. He never had a significant other that I know of. He was hurt, traumatized and I think he hit his head as a baby too. He was alone until he found Gai and the others, he had already lost his mother, his father and two more important people to him, and he was only ten. I understand he seems to be cold and calculating sometimes. I understand that his actions can appear harmful or dishonest. But I assure you, they are not, it's just who he is, and how he works that's how he got through a very hard time of his life"
Iruka watched as Tenzou took a deep breath, apparently not done yet. Iruka wished he was, because it was already too much information. Things he didn't think he had the right to know, even if the other wasn't sharing details about it. Tenzou was opening Kakashi's life to Iruka, and the teacher didn't really know how to take it. He wished it was Kakashi telling him all of this, then he'd know what to do. He could hold him, or sit there and let him pour out his heart while being understanding and consoling him if he needed to. But this way, it seemed wrong. Kakashi wasn't a book for him to read, he was someone that had feelings and secrets. Iruka treasured his privacy, so he understood others that did the same.
"Please," he whispered, not sure how to address the man after all of that, "I don't think you should be sharing this with me"
"I should, because if I don't he won't, and I'll have to watch both of you losing a potential beneficial relationship, both for you two and for the rest of the world" Iruka stared blankly at the other, just a moment ago he was sure Tenzou wanted to tell him to disappear from Kakashi's life, what was that about beneficial?
"I'm telling you all of this because despite Kakashi having chosen to pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist, he wants to be close to you, and he doesn't have a clue about what he is doing, but he is trying very hard"
"Yamato-San, I don't understand why you're telling me all this," Iruka finally said, because he was already very confused and he didn't need anymore weight to his heart, "I can understand you're trying to help him, but really, I don't feel comfortable having this conversation with you. It's like I'm prying his life, I didn't like when he did It, so I don't want to do the same"
"I'll go right to the point then, Umino-San, either you stand by your word and give him a chance. Understanding that you will need patience and comprehension. Or you let him go, let him down gently and don't allow him to have hope. Because, all of this is hurting him, and I can see it is hurting you as well"
Iruka was shocked, knowing an ultimatum when he saw one. He just didn't expect this coming from Kakashi's assistant, whom he had seen only one time in his life and highly suspected the man didn't like him a bit. The day had started bad from the moment he woke up, guilty from a lie, to the moment he had a trembling Kakashi in his arms. He wanted to be angry with Tenzou, for coming at him and interfering like that. This conversation should be between Kakashi and himself, how could the other propose something like that without Kakashi even knowing, and Iruka was sure, Kakashi didn't know Tenzou was there.
"I can see you didn't like what I just said," Tenzou said, interrupting Iruka's thoughts and smiling guilty, "I apologise for being to forward, I worry about him"
"So you suppose I should either accept everything he does, liking it or not. Or just erase him from my life like nothing ever happened?" Iruka answered calmly.
"Neither, you can't just accept everything he does. I was the one that said he is infuriating. Bat shitty crazy really. I actually hope you teach him a whole lot," Iruka raised a brow in question, Tenzou laughed softly, "I want this to work, you are good to him. All I'm asking is that, if you give him a chance, you have patience with him. And trust him, that's the most important part"
"I thought you didn't like me," once again Tenzou laughed, genuinely, and if Iruka got any more confused he'd need a therapist to sort him out of this mess.
"You're wrong, I don't know you, but I do think I will like you. I've never seen Kakashi trying so hard in a relationship before, I actually never seen him try. As I said, I care for him, I want to see this work. But for that you'll need to trust him. I saw him just a moment ago and he was muttering about doing something wrong again"
"Would you believe if I said he and his friends made this mess in the library so I could come and fix it?"
"Without questioning it. I actually was trying to not focus on this disaster. Last time I came here it was dusty, but what the hell did they do to the place?"
"Kakashi didn't wanted me working on a cafe"
"I see" Tenzou smiled, Iruka found himself smiling back'
"I was very angry, I felt manipulated. He said he didn't want to lie, but it came out of his mouth without him even thinking"
"I'm sure you did," Tenzou got up, apparently done with the conversation, "But that's Kakashi for you, he saw a problem and he solved it. Not to manipulate you, but because he felt like it would make you happy, and because he can't think right when you're around, or in his mind. Do you know how much trouble he put me through in that trip because he'd daydream about you all the time?"
Iruka averted his eyes, fighting away the blush beginning in his cheeks, and got up too, expecting Tenzou to say goodbye.
"Will you trust him?" He asked instead.
Iruka thought that he would have to think for some time to answer it, he didn't "Yes"
"Good," Tenzou bowed, a little bit too low for someone like him, and waved goodbye, Iruka had already sat down again when the man picked around the door, "Please don't tell him I told you that. He'd kill me and then fire me"
Iruka laughed. A bit of relief mixed with good humor. That conversation had made him a lot of good. Tenzou not only helped him reach his decision and gave him a bit of insight about Kakashi, but also allowed him to release some tension.
"Senpai?" Tenzou tried to gain Kakashi's attention, and as the previous three times, it was to no avail. Robbed of other plausible options and, with a little of frustration building up, he did the only thing that could take Kakashi out of his trance, he screamed "SENPAI"
If he was a lesser man Kakashi would jump in his chair with a wince, being who he was, he just flinched. Damned be anyone that said the contrary.
"What, for the love of all that is sacred, possessed you, Tenzou?" kakashi adjusted his position in the chair, looking very astonished at his usually stoic assistant.
"I was just trying to say that the advisors asked if it is possible to consider a cut on the University funds, they've been complaining about the raises you made," The man smiled like he hadn't just given Kakashi the scare of his life. No, not scare. Just a little unexpected surprise.
"No can do, I won't be adjusting the donations anytime soon" Kakashi smiled like that wasn't just another migraine added to Tenzou list "Can you make them aware of this?" Kakashi said, idly taking the papers Tenzou just laid on his table.
"As your personal advisor I must say," Kakashi watched curiously as Tenzou cleaned his throat, suddenly getting very serious, "Bad Kakashi, very bad decision. So naughty."
Kakashi stared at the man, the pen he was using to sign the new contract made a full horizontal line before stopping at the table. He couldn't help but to gawk. Mouth open behind his mask and eyes wide open.
"What the hell was that for?"He asked when no explanation came, begging the God's to never allow such sight again. He'd first take away his eyes.
"I'm adopting a new police to deal with your bullshit," Tenzou put simply, shrugring, "This way I don't strain myself and I can say tell those old rats that, not only did I advise you not to do something stupidy, but also gave you a scold"
"I much prefer the old way of doing it," Kakashi whined, still shocked.
"What? Me wasting my vocabulary and wisdom just so you do what you want anyway? I like the new way, I'm sticking to it," Tenzou smiled brightly, gathering the documents that were signed and making a mental note to provide a new copy of the now useless contract, "May I ask why you've been investing so much on the University?"
"The mean old lady asked me to," Kakashi leaned against his comfy chair. Enjoying how Tenzou paused what he was doing to stare at him.
"Understandable," Tenzou took a seat in front of him, ignoring the glare he received.
"When I want something I have to justify it in five pages or more, but she asks and all you say is that it is understandable?" Kakashi asked, offended. It was his money after all.
"Sure, exactly like that" Kakashi rolled his eyes, putting his pen away and opening his mouth, no doubt intended to complain some more.
And then the door bursts open. A very scared, very flushed Gai entered the room, his eyes told the history of a man that saw death.
"She's here," He announced and seconds later he had to physically restrain Kakashi so he wouldn't jump out the window. From the top floor, "As much as I understand your instinct on protecting your life my dear friend, I must insist that you calm down. It was you that called her after all"
"No, let me go," Kakashi struggled, trying his very best to go and meet his death, "I can't deal with her. Not today, not ever. I just made cuts to her department" He heard Gai muttering a curse and he couldn't agree more.
"So why did you summonon her?" Gai asked very logically.
"Forgot she was coming when I signed that damn paper" Kakashi finally stopped his dramatics, trying to uncrumple his suit.
"Anko?" Tenzou asked Gai, who solemnly noded, "Bye, have to go," Kakashi stared daggers at him, the traitor.
"Go your coward, it was you that made me sign those. I will cut your payment in half" He shouted down the hall, Tenzou didn't even look back.
They heard the distinguished sound of boots against the linoleum floor and Kakashi shivered.
"Hatake Kakashi," The voice came roaring through the hallway, "What do you mean my department will have a cut? Are you out of your fucking," And she kicked the door, "Mind" Anko stopped, looking at Gai as if he was making her job that much harder as he once again prevent Kakashi from trying to fly to the next building over, "Let him go Gai, that way he will stop wasting oxygen"
Kakashi eyed the window, calculating the fall and how hard he would have to fight so Gai would let him go. It wasn't worthed. He had plants to raise and friends that loved him. Not to mention a very small chance that Iruka would be one of those friends some day.
"The thing is," He composed himself, Gai still holding his wrist discreetly, "We think that, although the department of survival training is essential to our dealings" He began, trying to placate her anger, "The snakes that you use in your classes don't need to be so well fed. I mean, you really need the most expensive live food there is?" He once again sat in his chair. Looking nothing like he was scared for his life.
She was going to fix it.
"They-are-my-babies," she rested her hands on the table and leaned forward, "My fucking BABIES" Kakashi inched close to the window, away from her, "I won't feed my babies second class food, you should be thankful for that, is the only thing keeping you alive"
"Anko, calm down, breath," Gai tried to be the voice of wisdom in the room, talking very calm and very loudly, "I think your resolve to feed your...babies, with nothing but the best is honorable. You care for them like a mother would for its offspring, and I commend you for that. They are helping a lot of the youth training under our business to learn how to keep the fire in their hearts burning bright" Kakashi wanted to take advantage of the confusion in Ankos eyes and just run for it, "But I'm sure Kakashi has an explanation"
"I'm listening" she once again was focused on him, he'd waisted his chance.
"Uhm," She didn't look impressed, "The board said I'd have to do cuts to be more conservative and attract more investors" They did say that, he had proof, "It was this, or Ibiki's torture devices, and I'm not touching those"
"Be careful Kakashi," Anko had a leer in her face, Gai Closed the window as a precaution, "You don't want to sleep with hungry snakes"
"I don't want to sleep with snakes at all," he whispered, frightened, "To be honest, they are trying to cut the survival training and personal security department, and focus only on sports. I'm buying my time until I can open a separated branch that'll allow you guys more freedom"
"You're trying to pull my leg" She answered, intelligently.
"I'm really not. Survival skills are becoming a trend lately. I want a separate business focusing on that," Now she looked interested, he was on the right track, "Why don't we make a deal?" Kakashi smiled, gesturing to the chair right in front of him and waiting for her to take a seat, "I have a job for you, that I'll pay with my personal money, I'll be generous enough so you can feed your little...babies, as well as you wish. And when I get business were I want, you and Ibiki can lead the new branch"
Anko crooked her brows.
"As well as they deserve," Anko corrected and Kakashi nodded happily, he wasn't going to dwell on technicalities, "Spit"
"I have someone that I want you to keep an eye on, name is Naruto," He opened the drawer beside his leg and took a folder that he prepared earlier, "I want to make sure he is safe, he's taking prep classes on the University right now, there is a professor there that might want to cause him harm"
"What does the guy have against the kid?" She opened the folder, taking a more serious tone as she looked through the pages. It was all about Mizuki, a little bit of his history with Iruka, without mentioning too much. Just enough for her to do the job. He'd learned his lesson.
"He's a idiot, he hurted someone I care about and I think he can be stupid enough to do it again," Kakashi took a envelope and pushed it in her direction, "First part of the payment, should cover two months of food for your, ahem, thingies. But before you answer, I have to ask his father if this is okay"
"Suppose I say yes," she began, playing with the envelope, "How would I do that? Shadow the boy?"
"I heard you used to be a very good Biology teacher," He smiled, Anko stared at him like he'd grown a second head.
"You better pay me very well Hatake, I don't like kids"
The silence extended, Kakashi was still smiling, satisfied. At least when it came to solving problems at his workplace, he was good.
"So…" Gai said with a smile that could bring vision to a blind man, "You really care about him, don't you?"
Kakashi cursed.
