A Blonde and a Dead Guy Walk Into a Church...

A moment later, Beth and Merle were approaching the front steps of the bright white church with the huge cross jutting up from the roof. He made crude comments and cackled to himself from the moment they climbed out of the truck until they stepped through the front doors of the church.

There was a woman at the opposite end of the large room and a few random people seated in the pews, praying silently. Beth strode down the long aisle and toward the woman at the other end. As she got closer, she saw that the woman was older and dressed conservatively, busying herself with organizing stacks of hymn booklets. She lifted her head and smiled when Beth approached.

"How can I help you?"

Beth frowned and glanced over her shoulder at Merle, who was leaning against a row of pews and watching patiently with a smug smirk on his face. She turned back to the woman and asked to speak to whoever was in charge - minister or pastor or whatever he wanted to be called. Admittedly, she didn't know much about any religions outside of her small church in Senoia. But that wasn't going to stop her today.

The woman chuckled softly and said, "I'll get the pastor." Then she turned and walked off to fetch someone from a back room.

Merle clicked his tongue loudly and grumbled, "Ain't this one a them black churches? Dunno whatcha think you'll get outta these folks - "

Beth hissed through clenched teeth without turning her head, "Don't even start."

He let out an indignant humph and mumbled to himself just quietly enough that she couldn't quite tell what he was saying. But she caught a couple of key words and it was enough to make her blood boil.

"It's bad enough you're an insufferable horse's ass, you don't need ta be racist, too," she muttered, keeping her voice low so none of the scattered people within the church could hear her. "You just get worse an' worse the longer I know you." Her jaw clenched and she refused to glance over in his direction.

At that, he chuckled. "Oh yeah? Well you ain't seen nothin' yet, sweetcheeks."

She rolled her eyes.

Finally, a black man emerged from the back room and approached Beth in front of the pews. He was younger than she'd been expecting, maybe mid-30s with a clean-shaven bald head and a beaming white smile. He had soft brown eyes and stood only a few inches taller than her with broad shoulders and a husky build. He was dressed in a crisp maroon suit and polished dress shoes and when he spoke, his voice was both confident and gentle.

"What can I do for you today, young lady?" The man greeted. He reached out his hand between them in greeting along with a formal introduction, "I'm Pastor Theodore. You can call me Tee, if you'd like."

But he didn't glance in Merle's direction, not even when Merle let out a cold laugh and said, "Well he sure can't see me. Jus' like I told ya, blondie." She felt a pang of disappointment at the realization but didn't let it discourage her.

Beth smiled and shook Theodore's hand briefly. "Nice to meet you, Tee. I'm Beth. Um… well, this might sound odd, but I was wonderin' if we could talk - uh, about something that's... bothering me."

Merle scoffed from behind her. "You think yer bothered? Try bein' dead." She ignored him and kept her eyes locked onto Pastor Theodore's.

The pastor clasped his hands together in front of him and smiled wider, though he was looking her up and down somewhat suspiciously. "Of course. That's what I'm here for. Although… I can't say I've ever seen you in church before. Are you with our congregation?"

Beth tensed and shook her head, feeling horribly awkward. "Well, no. I'm sorry - I'm not from around here. But I'm looking for advice - some kinda guidance, I guess. And I can't really find any answers in my own church."

His eyebrows lifted and he nodded in understanding. "Oh - I see. You're looking for an outsider's perspective."

She shrugged. "Somethin' like that. Maybe a second opinion. Or just any opinion that might actually help."

He chuckled softly. "Don't worry, I get it. I can't promise I'll be much help, but I've never doubted that God can speak through me to those who need it. Even in the most trying times." He then turned to the side and gestured toward the door of his office. "How about we speak privately?"

Merle chortled. "Oh yeah, God speaks through 'im alright. Right through 'im an' out the backside. I wouldn't wanna meet this guy in a dark alley. Let alone a 'private' room."

Beth had to resist from rolling her eyes again or scowling in Merle's direction. Instead, she smiled and nodded and followed Pastor Theodore to his office. She knew Merle was following because he consistently objected and commented on the decor from behind her. And as soon as they entered the pastor's small office, he started in on another spiel about Baptists and churches and black people. Though at this point, he'd become no more than background noise in her ears.

She sat in one of the two chairs in front of the pastor's desk while Merle settled with leaning against the door behind her. Pastor Theodore took the seat behind his desk and folded his hands atop the smooth wooden surface before gazing over at Beth expectantly.

"So what is it that's troubling you, Beth?" He asked.

She swallowed hard and tried to rearrange all the words in her head. Merle made quiet and crude comments from the doorway but she tuned him out, determined to resolve this situation despite his relentless taunting. She struggled not to let the reactions show on her face while Tee was staring so intently and expectantly at her.

"Well… at the risk of sounding a little crazy," she hesitated, gauging the pastor's reaction as she spoke. "Do you think it's possible… that souls don't always leave the earth right away? Like maybe they - I'ono, it'll sound stupid and like I've watched too many movies, but what if some of them get…"

Tee was furrowing his brow but nodding along nonetheless. When her voice drifted off and she couldn't decide on the proper wording to finish her question, he suggested, "Stuck?"

She nodded. "Yeah. What if they get stuck, or-or left behind? I mean, d'you think it's even possible?"

Merle muttered spitefully from behind her, "I ain't stuck. I know exactly what I gotta do. This prick ain't gonna get it."

The pastor leaned forward and stretched his intertwined fingers atop the desk surface. He seemed to be pondering her question even as he attempted to answer it. "Well, I can't say I'm the superstitious type. But there is a lotta talk of angels and demons within my church, as I'm sure there is in most churches."

Beth nodded, lips pressed tightly together as she listened intently.

"But," he continued. "As far as said angels or demons being 'lost souls,' I can't say. There's no evidence that really supports that theory. In my own personal opinion, if it comes to something like - oh, let's say ghosts or spirits - I firmly believe they are all demons in the business of persuading and seducing humans. They're sent to earth to do Satan's work. They'll take the form of dead individuals in order to persuade and terrorize their victims."

A cold chill ran down her spine and she couldn't help but shoot a look over her shoulder at Merle. He rolled his eyes and laughed.

"Trus' me, I ain't no more of a demon now than I was when I was alive. It ain't sayin' much, but I sure as hell ain't workin' fer that red-assed pussy. He can do 'is own goddamn bitchwork."

For some reason, she didn't take a whole lot of reassurance from that statement.

Tee noticed Beth's odd glance back at seemingly thin air and narrowed his eyes. He lowered his voice and asked gently, "Are you… experiencing a demonic presence, Beth?"

She quickly shook her head and smiled, though she wasn't sure it was entirely convincing. "No, no nothin' like that. I just - well, if a person told you they were hearing and seeing someone that no one else could see, you would know they were mentally unstable, right? Because that's like, schizophrenia. Isn't it?"

Tee smiled and chuckled softly. "In all honesty?" He raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "I can't say that would necessarily be the case. Sure, it's usually some sort of mental illness and I would absolutely advise that person to seek professional help before they hurt themselves or anyone else. But then again, some would say that my whole congregation - me included - hears and sees someone that others cannot. We even talk to 'someone who isn't really there.' And I'm very confident that we are not mentally unstable."

"Oh, I beg ta differ," Merle commented. "Y'all are batshit insane - you too, blondie."

She struggled to ignore his comment and share a light-hearted laugh with the pastor. Despite that, Tee's words were filling her with a slight relief.

"That's a good point," she agreed. "I… I guess I'm mostly just confused about God's part in this."

"Oh?" Tee frowned. "How so?"

"Well, if someone hears and sees somebody that might not be there - a 'lost soul' or whatever - then they can't even help that soul because everyone will just think they need mental treatment. So why would God put someone through that? There's no reason for it. One person can't help a soul that's stuck on earth."

The pastor pursed his lips for a long second and Beth could practically hear the snide smirk that was undoubtedly plastered on Merle's face. Thankfully, he remained silent. But Tee leaned back in his chair and placed his hands in his lap, gazing across the desk at Beth with a contemplative look on his face. He didn't make her feel like he was judging her, though. More like he was trying to figure out the reason for all of her odd questions.

"You're right. One person cannot help a soul if that soul is already destined for a fate of the Lord's choosing," he finally said. "Yet one person can make a huge difference if they listen closely and follow God's guidance. He speaks to us all the time - He speaks through us. But it is still so rare that we actually listen."

She nodded, absorbing his words and letting them race through her mind. She worried her lower lip for a second while Tee sat patiently and continued to study her from across the desk.

"So… at the end of the day, it's up to God anyway," she said softly. "We don't really have any power. We can't help a soul if the soul's mortal life is already over."

"Perhaps," the pastor said. "Or perhaps not. The only thing I can tell you with certainty, Beth, is that God doesn't bring us to anything that He doesn't think we can handle. Every single person has a purpose, a power. Sometimes they have to be thrown into the deep end, to put it simply, in order to discover the true power they possess. The Lord teaches us each as He sees fit. And who would know us better than our Creator?"

She nodded while Merle laughed obnoxiously behind her.

"Yeah - that makes sense," she mumbled. Though she still wasn't entirely convinced.

The pastor could see her doubt and he smiled understandingly. "Look, I'm not gonna claim ta be the wisest man around. I'm not even the wisest man in this building right now - "

"Got that right," Merle muttered.

" - but I know my God. And if He's the same as your God, then whatever you're going through has its purpose. You're being led to something for a reason. Maybe it's your reason, maybe it's your calling in life. Or maybe it's the great test that will determine what kind of person you want to be going forward, or the kind of person you need to be. But whatever God is telling you, listen. And listen close."

Beth sat frozen in her chair, Tee's statement sinking deep into her skin and hitting every nerve with a painful shock of awakening. All she could do was nod deftly in response.

The pastor smiled and added, "It's like my father always used to say: the Lord works in mysterious ways."

Her breath hitched and she mumbled, "My daddy always says that, too."

Tee chuckled. "That's because it's true."

Merle chimed in sourly, "Wouldn't be so mysterious if you'd jus' listen to me once in a goddamn while, ya stubborn li'l brat."


Beth left the Baptist church feeling only slightly better. If anything, she was filled with more questions. She couldn't even be bothered to listen to Merle's smart-ass comments, too lost in her own head as she mulled over Pastor Theodore's advice. She took solace in the fact that Tee had been a lot more accepting and helpful than she'd expected. At least he hadn't told her that she was insane and needed to seek professional help. But the disappointment from knowing that even a wise and understanding pastor couldn't see Merle hadn't faded away just yet.

The man said he could talk to God, yet he couldn't see the obnoxious redneck asshole that was so clearly standing ten feet away? He couldn't hear the racist taunts and cruel remarks? Really?

Whatever. She still had a list of addresses written down and she fully intended on visiting every single one until she got an answer. Or an equally definitive lack of an answer.

As she drove down the street and away from the church, heading in the direction of the next address with the help of her phone's GPS, Merle rambled about their visit and how he'd been right from the start and how they were only wasting their time driving around Atlanta when they could be driving back toward Senoia and his brother.

"...I'ono what you even expected 'cause ain't nobody gonna tell ya somethin' that I couldn't tell you, 'specially not some stupid nig- "

"Shut up an' smoke yer damn cigarettes," Beth cut him off sharply and pressed the button to roll his window down before turning up the radio. She wasn't in the mood to chastise him, she just wanted him to shut his mouth already.

He chuckled in amusement but did as he was told, to her surprise. It gave her a little more time to think without the sound of his voice interrupting her thoughts. She drove through Atlanta silently with Pastor Theodore's advice still echoing inside her head.

Their next stop was a Lutheran church. It wasn't much different from her regular church back in Senoia, but the Baptist church hadn't been much different either. Merle had plenty more smart-ass comments during their visit, though she was finding it easier and easier to tune him out. And he seemed to be following the terms of their little agreement so far, which made everything a lot easier than it had been thus far.

Unfortunately, she didn't get any helpful advice from the Lutheran church. The man she spoke to basically echoed what Pastor Theodore had said - with a bit less eloquence and a lot more judgement. And of course, no one could see or hear Merle. She left feeling defeated.

Next, she drove to a Pentecostal church. Merle would barely shut up the whole time, constantly making jokes about speaking in tongues and "having seizures in the name of God." He made obscene comments about nearly every member of the congregation that they came into contact with, but they couldn't hear him. The person that Beth spoke to didn't offer any help other than a long rant about demons and how tightly Satan was currently grasping at the whole of society because of a "serious lack of morality in modern living." She left feeling even more confused and dissatisfied.

After that, she drove to a Catholic church. As soon as they pulled into the parking lot and Merle saw the sign, he began laughing mischievously.

"Catholics?! These people're off their fuckin' rockers, girlfriend. The hell kinda answers you think they got fer you? 'Sides the best way ta molest a kid."

She rolled her eyes and bit back a retort, hoping he would lose steam if she didn't give him the reaction he was so clearly aiming for. But he didn't care because even as they climbed out of the truck and approached the building, he was rattling off every Catholic Priest joke he'd ever heard. She refused to so much as look over at him.

"Hey, hey - how d'you get a nun pregnant? Dress 'er up as an altar boy!" He laughed at every one of his stupid jokes as he recited them. "Oh oh - ya know what priests got in common with McDonald's? They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns! HAH!"

Beth struggled to keep him tuned out once they entered the church and found a priest. He spoke slightly quieter, but he didn't stop. Even as she tried to have a serious discussion with the priest.

"'Ey, blondie, why do priests wear holy dresses? Ta hide the altar boy underneath!"

She knew that no one in the church could see or hear Merle because if they could, he would've been kicked out before he'd taken so much as ten steps inside. Regardless, the priest didn't offer any helpful advice except to echo the same sentiment she'd heard from Pastor Theodore. She thanked him for his time and left with more ideas in her head of eternal damnation, strange new forms of divine punishment, and a mysterious but angry God.

She hadn't spoken a word to Merle the entire time, though he seemed completely unbothered by it. He was still amusing himself even as they climbed back into the truck and left the Catholic church behind them.

"Alrigh', one more: a priest says to an altar boy, 'what's the difference between a penis and a banana?' The altar boys says, 'I'ono, what's the difference, Father?' The priest says, 'doesn't matter, you wanna come on a picnic?'" His obnoxious laughter filled the cab of the truck until Beth reached over and cranked the radio volume up.

She was beginning to regret this trip into Atlanta. With every new address she visited, she felt more and more deflated. And Merle was sure to continue reminding her how stupid and pointless her idea had been. She'd been so certain that it would be like a process of elimination, but it was only turning into a mad search that took her in endless circles. The lack of an answer she kept receiving wasn't nearly as definitive as she'd thought it would be. In fact, she had more questions than ever after talking to so many religious leaders and realizing they were just as blind as everyone else.

She suddenly began to wonder if any religion actually had it right.

The next stop on her list was a Jewish Synagogue. As expected, Merle had plenty of antisemitic jokes and remarks to throw out during their visit. She was sure that her eyes would roll clear back into her head before the day was over.

The rabbi had no more answers for her than she'd already gotten. And not a single person inside the church could hear Merle. Beth left with a heavy heart and her head held high, waiting until she got into the truck to admonish Merle for all his ignorant remarks over the last couple of hours. He brushed her off, laughed, and went back to smoking his cigarettes and mumbling about his brother in Senoia.

Sadly, she had no real leverage to threaten him with and he was well aware of the fact that he had the upper-hand in their relationship. Regardless, she insisted that she absolutely could not listen to any more ignorant, racist, sexist, and hateful comments from him because it only made her not want to help him. He just laughed and muttered something about no one being able to "change" him, even after death. She sent up another silent prayer that she would somehow find someone else that could help her before she lost her damn mind.

She'd been thorough - and desperate - in her search for answers. The next address on her list was a Hindu Temple. Merle got a real kick out of that one. He didn't have any jokes prepared though, to her relief. She had higher hopes of finding someone who could hear Merle in the temple, keeping her fingers crossed that this unfamiliar and spiritual religion would be more helpful than the others. But those hopes were quickly dashed after a short conversation with a man who called himself a pujari. Several minutes later, she was back in the truck suffering through more of Merle's taunting criticism.

Beth was getting hungry and tired and her headache was rapidly returning to throb painfully within her skull. She decided to make one last stop before calling it a day and finding somewhere to eat a late lunch. The next address led her to an Islamic Mosque, where she had to wait outside for someone to either emerge or arrive. Merle made plenty of rude comments but she didn't bother trying to explain to him that she respected other religions and their beliefs, and no matter how different they may be, she would take help wherever she could find it.

It took a while for someone to arrive in the parking lot and once they approached the front door, Beth tried to ask for permission to enter and a moment to speak to an Imam. But she was very clearly a white, non-Muslim woman. And as far as anyone could tell, she wasn't accompanied by any men. So she was turned away with a soft apology.

Merle laughed harder than ever as they climbed back into the truck and drove away. Beth headed for the nearest fast food drive thru within sight and turned up the radio until his voice became no more than faint background noise.

She was forced to listen to him while she went through the drive thru and ordered food, though. And he must've known because he quickly seized the opportunity to make a suggestion of his own.

"You dragged me around ta every damn branch of nuthouse today, but yer forgettin' one. A real important one."

She didn't look over at him as the employee in the window took her debit card and turned around to swipe it. "Pray tell, which one?" she asked sarcastically.

"The Satanic Church!" He said, completely serious. "Y'don't think they might have some answers for ya? Might know a helluva lot more than any a them Jesus freaks an' raghead Allah worshippers."

She whipped her head to the side and stared at him indignantly. "Are you insane? I'm not going that route. No matter how desperate I am."

At the same moment, the drive thru employee happened to turn back around and hand her debit card over. They gave her a confused look and she smiled apologetically, taking her card back and muttering a thanks before driving forward as quickly as possible. Her face was bright red. Merle laughed. Before he could make any more absurd suggestions, she grabbed her earbuds and put one of them in her ear so it would look like she was on a phone call rather than mentally ill.

"Well that ain't fair," he continued. "Thought you'd be all about equal opportunity."

"Not when it comes to literally dealing with devil worshippers," she snapped, sitting and waiting patiently for an employee to appear in the window.

"Oh, c'mon. You got ol' Jesus on yer side, right? What d'you got ta be afraid of?" He chuckled.

"That's not it. I just… no," Beth said. "No. No way."

"Fine. So what's next? You gonna buy a Ouija Board? Or you gonna finally pull the stick outta yer ass an' accept the fact that you have ta find Daryl?"

An employee handed over a bag of food and a drink through the window and Beth carefully took it, thanking them and rolling her window back up as soon as she'd set her things down beside her. She yanked the earbud out of her ear and drove over to a parking spot, where she turned off the engine and tried to ignore Merle's questions while she began eating. He seemed to be waiting for a response and she could feel his expectant glare boring holes through her.

After several bites of food, she said firmly, "No Satanic stuff. No Ouija Boards. You're more than enough demon for one person."

He grunted and clicked his tongue. "So that only leaves ya one option, sweetcheeks."

She frowned and chewed slowly, thoughtful. She hated this, she really hated it. But if she expected to get anywhere, she would have to swallow her pride and admit when Merle was right. Or at least, when he wasn't entirely wrong.

At this point, what other choice did she have?

She balled up her food wrappings and tossed the crumpled bag to the passenger side floor with an exasperated sigh. Then she took a long sip of Sprite and leaned back in her seat, staring through the windshield rather than over at Merle.

"I told you: call me Beth," she said decisively. "And if I'm gonna meet this brother of yours, then I'm not goin' in completely clueless. I'm not gonna take any risks when it comes to makin' myself look insane."

She knew she'd caught his attention this time because he didn't chuckle or scoff or even grunt. He paused, then said, "Alright, Beth. What d'you need ta know then?"

She turned her head and met his gaze. "Everything."

He furrowed his brow and a long crease appeared across his forehead. "Everythin' about what?"

She shrugged. "All of it. About you, about your brother and your relationship with him… about your death. I need enough reasons for this guy ta actually hear me out and not dismiss me as some crazy stalker."

Something flashed across Merle's face that she hadn't seen before and he looked away. There was a long moment of silence, then he coughed.

With his eyes averted downward, he replied, "Deal. 'Cept there's a little… catch."

There always is, Beth thought, holding back a groan of frustration.

"And what's that?" She asked.

He turned and met her gaze again and she saw a sadness in his eyes that almost seemed out of place. She heard it in his voice too.

"Somebody killed me. An' I don't remember a goddamn thing about it."

Shit.

to be continued...