Riding on Motorcycles with Angry Older Men
"Bethy - you know Daryl Dixon?" Hershel asked innocently.
Beth stared back with wide eyes for a second, tripping over her words as she struggled to come up with a lie. She was supposed to have been babysitting for Rick during the last several hours, after all.
"I, uh - yeah, we met briefly at Rick's." She gave Daryl a pointed look, hoping he would interpret the desperate please don't tell them in her eyes.
"Well it seems you left your phone over there," Hershel explained. "Daryl here was nice enough to bring it by."
At that, Daryl reached into his pocket and pulled out the phone to hold it up for her to see. Her eyes widened and she swallowed hard, cheeks growing warmer and warmer.
"Guess he beat ya here," Shawn commented with a smirk from where he stood beside Daryl's chair. "You really do drive like a grandma, huh?"
Hershel chuckled. "C'mon now, Shawn. We both know Daryl can be a bit of a speed demon on that bike of his."
The three men shared a laugh, though Daryl's came out a bit forced. Beth smiled awkwardly and nodded, taking a precarious step forward and reaching out for her phone. She kept her eyes locked on Daryl's and he glared back with a look that said, we've got some things to discuss. But he handed the phone over without hesitation before taking a long sip of his coffee.
"Yeah well, I made a stop at Sonic on the way home," Beth lied. "I wanted a milkshake."
"How was it at Rick's? Did Judith give you any trouble?" Hershel asked, urging his youngest daughter to join their friendly conversation at the table. "You want some coffee? I made a fresh pot when Daryl showed up a few minutes ago."
At least he hasn't been here very long, she thought thankfully. Not long enough to do any damage. Yet.
She shook her head and responded, "No, thank you. Judith was good, I'm just tired. Um - you want me to show him out?" She raised her eyebrows and looked at Daryl meaningfully.
"Don't be rude, Beth," Shawn scolded. "He just got here."
"I'm not being rude, it's just gettin' late," she snapped, scowling at her big brother. "We all have ta get up early."
"Oh, it's fine, he can stay a bit longer," Hershel insisted.
"Nah, 'salright," Daryl spoke up, clearing his throat and standing from his chair. "It is gettin' late, I should be headin' out. Thanks fer the courtesy, I appreciate it. Good talkin' ta you guys." He gave a nod toward Shawn and Hershel before stepping away from the table.
"You sure?" Shawn asked.
"Oh yeah. Gotta get ta work in the mornin' anyhow, best be headin' home," Daryl assured him.
"Well it was nice catching up, Daryl. You get home safe - an' don't be a stranger now," Hershel smiled, standing and reaching out a hand. Daryl took it and gave it a firm shake then turned and did the same with Shawn, nodding and bowing out of the kitchen.
As he walked past her to leave, Beth backed up toward the wall and met his eyes. She saw the silent message on his face and gave a curt nod of understanding disguised as a nod of goodbye. Hershel and Shawn called out their last goodnights and then the sound of heavy boots echoed through the entryway until the front door audibly opened and closed.
A few minutes later, she was bidding her dad and brother goodnight and watching them retire to their bedrooms while pretending to make herself a cup of bedtime tea. Merle had stood back shockingly quiet the entire time, though she could feel the smug grin that was plastered on his face. And he kept snickering like he'd played some kind of prank.
Once she was alone and hunched over the kitchen sink, Beth muttered, "I had my phone in my purse when I left."
Merle chucked. "Yeah, ya did."
She gritted her teeth. "What did you do?"
"Slipped it outta yer purse an' put it in his pocket, obviously," he answered, tone laced with amusement and pride. "And it worked. Jus' like I knew it would."
She sighed and forced herself to take several deep and calming breaths. Then she decided to bite back the spiteful retort that wanted to pour from her mouth.
Dixons ain't turnips, she thought. But Daryl showed up and not just because he had my phone in his pocket. Maybe there's some blood to be found in him after all.
When the upstairs finally went silent and Beth was certain that Hershel and Shawn were tucked away for the night, she left her empty tea mug and cold water on the kitchen counter and slipped out the back door without making a sound. Then she went around the side of the house to find Daryl smoking a cigarette and waiting for her next to his bike, partially illuminated by the porchlight and the crescent moon above.
As soon as she approached, she began speaking defensively: "I dunno what yer doin' here but you didn't need ta get my dad involved. I - "
He cut her off sharply, "I only came here ta drop yer damn phone off but he invited me in. I didn't even tell 'im how ya got me kicked outta my favorite bar."
Beth huffed angrily. "I told you, I didn't do anything to your stupid beer. And I sure as hell didn't put my phone in your pocket. It was Merle. And I don't care if you don't believe me because - "
"I thought about leavin' the phone and the map an' goin' home 'fore you ever got here," Daryl interrupted, his voice rising in frustration. "But I didn't."
Beth's lips snapped shut and her eyes went wide, studying him and trying to figure out what he was getting at. Merle was standing beside her, suspiciously silent. But that smug grin was still plastered on his face.
"Why not?" She asked quietly.
Daryl shrugged and tossed his burnt-out cigarette into the grass, exhaling a cloud of smoke before answering, "I'ono. Maybe 'sall a little too weird fer me to ignore. Maybe I wanna make sure you ain't gonna snap an' murder that nice ol' man ya got."
She furrowed her brow and frowned. "That's stupid. I'm not crazy and I would never hurt my family - I would never hurt anybody."
"Yeah yeah, I know," he waved a hand dismissively. "Everybody says that. Till they don't."
She pursed her lips and swallowed back an angry retort. Then she paused and worried her lip for a second before asking, "You didn't tell 'em… any of it, did you?"
He let out a grunt of amusement. "Fuck no. I ain't tryin'a get a padded cell next ta yers. Yer brother mentioned you was s'posed ta be at Rick's an' I went with it. Lucky fer you, me an' Rick's been buddies for a while."
Merle scoffed loudly at that and grumbled something under his breath but Beth ignored him.
Before she could respond or even try to thank him for covering her ass instead of making the situation worse, Daryl jerked his head towards the bike.
"C'mon."
"What?"
He pointedly grabbed a handlebar with one hand and repeated, "C'mon."
She glanced over at the house, up at the window that belonged to her dad's bedroom, while Merle chuckled and let out a low whistle, mumbling a very unnecessary "told ya he'd come around." She ignored him and continued focusing on Daryl. She gave him a quizzical look, feet still planted where she stood.
"What - on yer motorcycle?"
Daryl nodded impatiently and gestured for her to hop on. "Yeah. Le'sgo. Won't take long."
Beth almost laughed, arching an eyebrow at him. "Um - it's already dark out. And you don't even have a helmet. And why would I go with you anyway when - "
"Jus' shut up an' get on the damn bike. I sat down an' listened ta all yer shit, least you can do is come with me an' see what I got ta show ya."
She frowned and narrowed her eyes in suspicion, refusing to move. Then she crossed her arms over her chest defiantly. "What could you possibly have to show me? Merle's already told me more than I ever wanted ta know."
Merle chimed in, "Oh shut the hell up, blondie. Jus' listen to the man an' get on the damn bike. A romantic li'l ride after dark won't kill ya, fer Christ's sake."
She shot Merle a scathing glare but Daryl was turning and mounting the bike so he didn't notice. He glanced back at her over his shoulder and said, "Last chance. You comin' or not?"
She hesitated despite the fact that all her muscles were urging her forward. Daryl revved the engine and it roared to life loudly, deafening in her ears but seemingly unnoticed by everyone inside the house. His hands were gripping the handlebars and his foot was poised at the kickstand, ready to take off at any second.
"He ain't gonna hurt ya," Merle insisted. "Jus' get the hell on an' see what he wants. This might be yer last chance ta get him to believe yer stupid ass."
Beth bit her lower lip and scowled at Merle, tightening her arms across her chest. Then she said, "You have to stay here. How about that?"
"What?! Are you outta yer damn mind?" He objected, outraged.
She merely shrugged and said, "I can't focus with you always behind me makin' smartass comments. So stay here. If you trust yer brother so much then it shouldn't be a problem… right?"
Merle wasn't happy about that and it showed on his face. He grumbled angrily under his breath and scowled but when Daryl revved the bike's engine again, he finally shook his head and slashed an arm through the air.
"Fine. Have it yer way, princess. But it ain't gonna be this easy ta get rid of me an' you best jus' keep that in mind. Got it?"
"Yeah, whatever," Beth said. She couldn't refrain from smiling widely in satisfaction.
In all honesty, Beth hadn't expected Merle to actually oblige. In fact, she'd expected him to reappear at any moment, whether it be at the side of the bike while it sped down the dirt roads or in the grassy field once they'd stopped. But he never did.
For the first time in nearly 48 hours, she was free of him. Though it was a give and take: she was free of Merle for the moment, but that meant she was with Daryl. And she still wasn't sure if he was an improvement or not. He was alive and that was the only plus side to knowing him thus far.
Riding on the back of his bike meant she had no choice but to wrap her arms around his middle and hold on tight, her front pressed uncomfortably close against his back. He didn't seem to mind, barely flinching when she linked her fingers over his belly and pressed her chest into his back. She tried not to think about how Merle had referred to it as a "romantic" ride - because this was anything but romantic. Yet she still felt terribly self-conscious pressed up so tightly against a man she barely knew.
He drove way too fast for her liking and she couldn't stop clenching her jaw, clutching onto Daryl like her life depended on it. She'd never really ridden a motorcycle before so it was kind of terrifying, especially without a helmet. But he navigated the dirt roads as though he were born on a bike, speeding past wide open fields beneath the starry night sky. The only light was the moon above and the narrow beam of his headlight illuminating the path ahead. The wind whipped Beth's hair back and tangled it up in a whole new way but all she could focus on was not falling off the back of the bike.
She couldn't really guess just how far they'd driven. The outskirts of Senoia were an endless mass of greenery and dirt roads that all looked the same. Daryl had turned left here and right there and another right and another left and Beth simply couldn't focus on what direction they were driving in anymore because she was too nervous about losing her balance and tumbling over the back of the bike to her inevitable death. She prayed that Daryl was as good of a driver as he was acting - she wasn't sure he was supposed to be pressing down so hard on the accelerator or doing so much weaving. And she was still desperately wishing she had a helmet.
But then they were slowing and pulling off the side of the road into a green field of grass and she realized that she hadn't fallen off or died and they hadn't even wrecked. So maybe Daryl knew what he was doing after all.
The field he parked in didn't look too terribly different from the field she'd escaped to an hour ago. Then again, once you got out to the boonies like this, pretty much everything looked the same: lots of grass and trees and untamed nature stretching out further than the eye could see. Daryl killed the engine and the sound of crickets and owls filled the air around them. Beth climbed off the back of the bike and stepped away with relief, legs still shaky from the constant vibration. She glanced around but saw nothing notable - no buildings or markers of any kind, no other vehicles anywhere in sight. The woods in the distance were completely dark and the field around them was dimly lit by the moon, though Daryl left the headlight of his bike on to give them some light.
She did a second glance around to reassure herself that Merle had really stayed behind. She couldn't even sense his presence. It suddenly felt like her shoulders were fifty pounds lighter.
"Where are we?" She asked, ears still ringing from the deafening engine.
"Merle's place," Daryl stated simply. "Last place he'll ever have."
Her heart dropped. "Oh."
When he began walking forward, she followed. He shoved his hands in his pockets and led her out to the middle of the open field, far away from the road. The bike's headlight shone on them and lit the path. Then she saw it: the wooden cross stuck into the ground. Daryl stopped in front of it and Beth stayed about a foot behind him, staring at the marker with wide eyes. There was a wreath of Cherokee Roses wrapped around the cross, but no disturbed soil to hint at any kind of proper grave. The cross had something carved into it but she couldn't read it without getting closer.
"Here 'e is," Daryl grumbled. "This is where I scattered his ashes. This is all that's left of ol' Merle Dixon."
That you can see, she thought. But she couldn't help feeling a bit depressed as she gazed down at the handmade cross, the dying wreath of flowers, the indiscernible carving that marked a man's entire life. Sure, Merle was an asshole but… this was just plain sad.
He glanced back at her and read the expression on her face. "Couldn't afford nothin' else. An' I sure as hell wasn't gonna keep some dead guy's ashes in a vase in my house. He always liked it out here so this is where I put 'im."
She nodded, tight-lipped and wide-eyed. She clutched her cardigan tighter around her against the chilly breeze that flowed through the field. Then she cleared her throat awkwardly.
"You don't have to explain yerself to me," she said.
He turned around to face her and said, "I'm not. 'M explainin' ta Merle."
Beth blinked in surprise. "Well - he's not here. I told 'im ta stay back. So we could talk."
Daryl furrowed his brow and frowned, grunting out an emphatic "huh." She could see the doubt quickly forming on his face.
She raised her eyebrows. "You still don't believe me… do you?"
He shrugged, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. The bright light from the bike reflected off his eyes as he stared down his nose at her, scrutinizing her once again. Like he was trying to see through her entirely. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, staring at her so hard that she wanted to squirm beneath his gaze.
"Don't want to. An' why would I," he growled. Then his voice softened. "Yer prob'ly batshit insane. But yer family ain't. An' neither's Rick. So I don't really know what to believe."
She sighed and muttered, "Yeah, well... welcome to my world."
He quirked a brow and gave her a quizzical look. "'S that mean? Can't tell me this is the first time you ever had somethin' like this happen. It ain't like you went out an' sought mental help when some dead guy started showin' up - like anybody else would. An' the way you talk don't make it sound like any sorta one-off thing. So why're you playin' so goddamn dumb?"
Beth reeled, stunned silent for a long moment as her mouth went dry. She wasn't playing dumb - she was fucking lost, she was clueless, she was in need of some kind of help that she couldn't seem to find. How could he not understand that? And how could she ever expect him to understand if he wasn't even fully convinced that she was telling the truth? What did he want - her life story? Did he want more reasons to believe her? Because she was pretty sure no matter how many reasons she gave him, it would never be enough.
Yet she could practically hear Merle's voice in the back of her head (as though she could never escape him), telling her to "nut up an' give it a goddamn shot 'cause there ain't nothin' left to lose." And she couldn't even say that he'd be entirely wrong.
What the hell, she thought with a defeated sigh.
"You're right," she said, clutching the sides of her cardigan across her chest and looking down toward his boots while she spoke. "I mean, I'm not 'playing dumb' - but it's not… the first time. Not at all." She swallowed hard and chewed on her lower lip, growing more and more uncertain as the words formed and fell away all the same.
She'd never fathomed that she might have to explain the things she'd experienced throughout her life; the inexplicable things, the things that may or may not have actually happened because maybe it was just her stupid little kid brain or maybe it was just her overactive imagination. She'd left all those occurrences on the pages of old journals that remained tucked at the very back of her closet. In fact, she'd wanted to forget about them altogether.
But she couldn't.
Daryl shifted his weight again and Beth could see his fingers curling inside his pockets, his shoulders tensing. She could feel his eyes boring a hole through her and saw the bob of his adam's apple as he swallowed hard. Yet he remained silent.
She kept her eyes on his boots and his jeans, occasionally on the cross behind him. And she explained, "My dad used to tell me it was just old wives' tales. But I think my mom knew better. If she did though, she never really told me much about it. 'Cept the whole thing about animals and little kids seeing spirits an' stuff like that - but those were superstitions. I believed my dad fer a long time. I never had anything like how Merle is now - nobody ever followed me around or haunted me or anything like that. I mean, there was lots of weird stuff: shadows in corners, people who would show up an' vanish before I could really see 'em, voices coming outta nowhere. But it wasn't like the devil tryin' ta possess me or something. So I kept my mouth shut. I tried to ignore it - I jus' wanted it to go away."
She paused and dragged her eyes up to meet his. Surprisingly, he was focused on her with his lips pursed tightly and he didn't look nearly as disbelieving as she'd expected. He was waiting for her to go on, so she did. Her voice threatened to shake but she kept it steady.
"When I was in elementary school, like nine or ten, I saw a lady outside the playground at recess. She was begging me for help but I… I didn't say anything. Nobody else could see her. And then she was just… gone. I didn't wanna sound crazy so I tried to forget about it. But about a year later, the Clarks' house caught on fire."
Daryl was furrowing his brow and chewing on his lower lip thoughtfully.
She quickly explained, "They were this old couple that my parents were friends with, they lived a few miles down the road from us. All their kids moved away so my mom an' dad always helped them out. But they were like, really old." She shook her head. "Anyway - they didn't make it outta the fire. It was outta control before we even knew what was goin' on. We stood out by the road an' watched the firefighters put it out and we kept hopin' they'd pull the Clarks out but… then I saw 'em. Except it wasn't them, exactly. Nobody else could see 'em. Just me."
Daryl's brow went from furrowed to raised, his mouth in a tight line as he gazed down at her with intrigue.
Beth swallowed and licked her lips briefly, glancing away and toward his boots once more as her cheeks grew warm. "They died. I saw… I saw them walk out of that house. Through all the flames. And they were happy. But when I turned around, they were gone."
"They crossed over."
His deep voice startled her and she looked back up to meet his narrowed azure eyes. Shocked, she nodded.
"Yeah," she confirmed, her voice cracking. "They did. And I saw them."
He gave a brief nod of his head, as if to say 'okay, go on.' She shifted uncomfortably in place and licked her lips again.
"I didn't see anybody else - not really. I thought it went away after I hit puberty an' I was happy about it. I wanted to forget all the weird stuff, I jus' wanted to be normal. And my mom got sick and then she died and I… didn't see her at all. Even though I would've liked to. So I thought it was, like… over. I thought it was just me bein' a weird kid. I thought Daddy was right: it was all just an old wives' tale."
There was a long moment of tense silence.
Then Daryl grunted and clicked his tongue and said, "And then Merle showed up."
Beth nodded in confirmation and pressed her lips together, trying to gauge his reaction and interpret the contemplative look in his eyes.
"And then Merle showed up," she echoed softly.
There was another long moment of silence, this one even tenser than before. She couldn't read him, couldn't decipher whether he actually believed her or if he was about to burst out laughing and tell her that she was insane. Her heart sped up and she struggled to maintain eye contact.
"'M pretty sure ya ain't on drugs. But I still think yer a little crazy," he finally muttered, pulling one hand from his pocket to stroke his goatee thoughtfully while he spoke.
She frowned and sighed, shrugging. "Then so be it. Maybe I am. It would sure as hell make a lot more sense than all - " she gestured broadly to the cross and the bike and everything back at the farm " - this."
He smirked and continued fiddling with his goatee and she was sure he was about to make a joke at her expense. But then he said, "That's the thing - crazy people don't know they're crazy, an' they sure as shit won't admit it."
Her heart lifted with hope and she held back a smile, straightening her back and squaring her shoulders almost proudly.
Daryl jerked his chin toward her expectantly and said, "Still don't make sense, though. Why the fuck would Merle need help crossin' over? An' why from you?"
Beth shrugged and replied meekly, "I don't know. He said he tried gettin' people to hear him for weeks till he found me. But then the kid outside the psychic's - "
"He even tell you what kinda person he was when he was alive?" Daryl interrupted, and her mouth snapped shut.
"Yeah. Fer the most part," she answered.
He raised his eyebrows and took a step toward her. "Yeah? He tell you how he did absolutely fuck-all with all those years he had? He tell you how much shit he got us into an' how much shit I had ta get us out of? He tell you how many people he hurt? How many times he put himself before everybody else - even his own blood?"
She swallowed hard, withering beneath Daryl's intense gaze and even more intense tone of voice. "Well - yeah. I mean… he killed yer dad, Daryl. I know Merle was awful. I know he led you around an' put you guys in danger all the time. I know he drank way too much an' had a drug problem an' should've been in jail more often than not. He told me at least some of it."
"Yeah?" His voice was frigid. "So you know jus' as well as I do that he was fully aware of all the fuckin' pain he caused in his lifetime…"
She nodded hesitantly.
His hand flew away from his chin to gesture angrily toward the cross behind him as he partially turned his body toward it. "Ya know why I made that stupid fuckin' wreath? 'Cause when I put 'im out here, I told myself there should be somethin' nice that he left behind. Just one goddamn thing. 'Cept there never would be an' I knew it… I'm not fool enough ta think there's any flowers bloomin' for my brother. He was a small-minded asshole and he didn't care about nobody but himself."
She stared back, speechless. Daryl slashed his arm through the air and scoffed loudly.
"...And he still expects us ta help him? Fer what? What the fuck do I owe that bastard that I didn't already pay in tenfold over the last twenty years? He need a goddamn hand ta hold while he marches down into the pits of Hell? Huh - is that it?!"
Beth might've normally flinched or been taken aback but if she'd learned anything from this excruciatingly long day, it was that one Dixon wasn't a whole hell of a lot different from another. And they both seemed to lash out in the same manner, their angry outbursts mirroring one another; all emotion with no real substance besides pent-up angst and resentment. So she was unfazed, clenching her jaw and refusing to look away from Daryl's scathing glare. In a way, she'd been expecting this reaction; preparing for it. Because she was just as angry as he was. Probably more so.
At least Daryl didn't have to hear his obnoxious dead brother. She did.
"I don't know, okay?" She said, her voice rising defensively but remaining firm. "I'm just as confused as you are. He seems like the worst person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting but here we are. And no matter what he did while he was alive, he's stuck here now - stuck with me. And you. He's probably destined fer Hell, but who am I to say? He seems pretty damn intent on this whole thing and it's startin' to make me think there's more to it. The way he talks, yer the only person he's ever given a shit about. And that's still the case."
Daryl ground his teeth angrily and glared down at her, scratching the stubble on his cheek awkwardly before shoving his hand back into his pocket. His rage withdrew and he said, "Maybe there's some shit he ain't tellin' you. That'd be pretty typical fuckin' Merle for ya."
She contemplated his words for a few seconds, worrying her lower lip. She didn't want to appear as uncertain as she felt because that comment had suddenly sent a surge of doubt rushing through her.
What else are you not telling me, Merle? She wondered. How am I supposed to help if you're leaving things out?
Beth shrugged and muttered quietly, "Maybe. He keeps sayin' that it's all between you an' him."
Daryl grunted and rolled his eyes skyward, heaving out an exasperated sigh. He shut his eyes and mumbled, "Fuckin' figures…"
She cleared her throat and avoided looking at the cross, focusing on Daryl instead. "So you believe me now?"
He groaned and stepped toward her, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'ono. Maybe. Maybe not."
"Well if you brought me out here ta prove that Merle's dead, it wasn't necessary," she said. "I already know. I never doubted it."
"Alrigh', well," he grumbled, stepping past her and heading back toward the bike. "Think it's time ya show me where that statue is."
"What - now?" She spun around and began following after him, nearly tripping over a clump of tall grass in the process.
"We're already out. Might as well."
"We'd have ta go back an' get Merle - "
As if on cue, Merle appeared literally out of thin air mere feet in front of Beth, grinning and holding his hands out like he was presenting himself as some kind of prize.
"Somebody call me?"
to be continued...
