CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #1: Welcome everyone! So the story behind this story is interesting. On Friday (February 4th for those of you in the future!) I was flipping through my extensive collection of Yvonne Strahovski pictures that I often use for posters and inspiration for my stories. Well, I stumbled upon the picture you see in the poster! I'll be honest, I think she's just breathtaking in this picture. Anyway, I was looking at this picture and inspiration struck, a line here, a moment there, I thought about it in bed and slept on it. When I woke up Saturday morning, I decided I wanted to write that idea as a one-shot, so I spent all day writing and revising and we get this!

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #2: So, what is this you might ask? This is my first ever first person POV story! This was a big deal for me just because i've never dabbled with first person POV. Beyond that, this story was a conscious effort to kind of leave behind some of my narrative habits and go in a new direction. You'll have to tell me how I did with the POV, it was a new creative endeavor for me.

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #3: This story was revised by me, I did this one all on my own without a beta, so I alone shoulder the responsibility for anything wrong with it lol.


Motherhood

A Story by

CharmingCharles2896

Six weeks… it took six weeks for Chuck Bartowski to capture my heart. He was goodness personified, a shining beacon of pure joy. After only one conversation with him, I knew he was special. Chuck Bartowski had gone through a lot. Both parents abandoned him, wrongfully expelled from Stanford, yet through it all he never lost that spark. His ability to make me laugh no matter what was happening, was something I always enjoyed about him. Our time together was short, something I did to us.

The memory of Chuck's face after he learned the truth about Stanford is still burned into my memory. He looked crushed, vulnerable, confused beyond belief. My own emotions were swirling inside my head. On the one hand I wanted more than anything to comfort him, but I knew I couldn't because of the ever-present cameras. I didn't want to jeopardize my career over an asset, but even I knew that wasn't the real reason. I still remember the moment, a turning point in my life, a crossroads where I chose a different path, even if I didn't know it at the time.

All it took was a single look, a single look into those deep, dark chocolate orbs, and I was a goner. In a flash, our lips crashed into each other's, our tongues dueling for supremacy. Chuck was a great kisser, something which had surprised me when I first met the man. I still don't know what came over me, but next thing I remember, our hands were exploring each other's bodies, Chuck's big hands caressing the smooth skin under my shirt. I don't know how long we made love, it could have been ten minutes or ten hours, but the experience was life altering for me. When I snuck out of his room, kissing his sleeping form on the temple before I left, I knew in my heart that I couldn't stay, so I didn't stay. I requested a new assignment, telling the truth to my superiors. I'd become compromised and I had to get away from him before I got him killed.

I wrote Chuck a letter saying goodbye before I left, I gave it to Casey to give to Chuck, but I don't know if Chuck ever got it. I choose to believe that he got it and knows how I feel about him and our time together. I can't imagine how much it would have hurt him if I left and he never knew the truth, I don't think about such things these days. Knowing that I had about three months' worth of paid leave built up from before my assignment in Burbank, I took a leave of absence to reset myself. Little did I know at the time that I'd never return to the field as an agent. Seven weeks into my leave of absence, two days after Christmas to be exact, I made a trip to the doctor to confirm my worst fear… I was pregnant. To say that my emotions were conflicted would be an understatement. I was terrified and yet surprisingly elated. A part of me that had laid dormant since I was a little girl was suddenly awake.

I wanted to tell him, I needed to tell him, Chuck had a right to know. The man was about to be a father, I knew I couldn't deprive him of that, not after what had happened with his parents. At first, I called him, but the number wasn't in service any longer, which made me nervous. The flight to Burbank was nerve wracking, I was going to see the man I abandoned. I didn't know what I'd tell him when I saw him, but I knew I had to tell him something. The fact that his phone was no longer in service had me scared, but I was thinking good thoughts, as childish as that sounds in hindsight.

I landed in Burbank in the afternoon, it was Wednesday, which was a day that Chuck had always worked at the Buy More, so I drove straight from the airport to the Buymore. When I arrived, I didn't recognize what I saw; the place was so quiet. It was the second of January, two-thousand and eight, what should be considered a busy day and yet it was so quiet in the Buy More. Chuck wasn't there, that was clearly apparent, but neither was Morgan or Casey for that matter. I found Anna at the Nerd Herd desk; she was typing up invoices.

"Anna," I said to her, trying to muster up some enthusiasm in spite of my growing nervousness. Anna looked over at me, only for her face to become a picture of surprise. Clearly, I was the last person she was expecting to see in the Buy More that day.

"Sarah?"

"Where's Chuck, and Morgan, and Casey for that matter?" I couldn't believe how lifeless the place was, everyone was simply working. None of the employees were goofing off or doing anything I remembered them doing in the past.

"Gone." I looked over at Anna.

"Gone?" I was suddenly overwhelmed by fear. What had happened? Had something happened to Chuck?

"I'm sorry, but I've got work to do, I'm sorry," Anna quickly fled to the back, leaving me standing there alone, in shock. What had happened here? The only emotions I could feel were suddenly turning my insides to ice. I raced over to Chuck and Ellie's apartment in Echo Park; it looked so lifeless. What had happened here? My first instinct was to check the mail boxes. As I suspected, Casey's name was gone. Casey had moved out, which meant Operation Bartowski was over. The question of how it ended consumed me, was Chuck okay? Had something awful happened? Would it have happened if I'd still been on the team? One glance at Chuck and Ellie's apartment told me that the place was different. I peeked in what Chuck used to call the Morgan door, the room looked dusty, like it hadn't been lived in for weeks and weeks. Chuck's Xbox controller was lying on the bed as if he'd set it down to come back to it and never had. What happened here? I knocked on the door, the number 1838 filling me with a hint of nostalgia. Nobody answered… silence. Needing answers, I picked the lock and entered. It quickly became obvious that Ellie and Devon still lived there, there things were everywhere and the place was well dusted.

As I walked around, I checked the refrigerator, it was full of items, evidence of people living in the apartment. There were bills on the counter, I flipped through them quickly. At first it was all junk, but my heart lurched when I saw the bill from the funeral home. A funeral home meant they'd had to spend money on a funeral, which meant…

"Chuck…" He was gone? How was that possible? Had Graham and Beckman moved him to a bunker? Had he been killed on a mission? Or was it simply, that he'd died in a normal, mundane way like anyone else. Either way, he'd never know he was going to be a father and that was a tragedy. I knew I never should have left, but I was afraid, I was a coward, and now he was gone. Knowing that I was technically breaking and entering, I set everything as it had been and crept to Chuck's bedroom. The door was closed, as if Ellie had closed the door when he'd passed and refused to go inside. When I entered the amount of dust was disappointing, Chuck and Ellie used to be such clean freaks, so to see Chuck's space so dusty made me feel like this was betraying Chuck's memory.

If it wasn't for all the dust, the room looked like he'd just stepped out for a moment and would be right back. I was fighting tears, my heart ached in my chest. I needed to leave this place, but I needed something of his, I knew I did. My heart told me that I needed something to remember him by, something to prove that what we had, no matter how brief, was real. I turned to his closet and flipped through his tee shirts, so many of them were nerd references. One shirt grabbed my eye, it was old and worn, obviously from long ago. The shirt was black and had a poster for Star Wars: Return of the Jedi on the front of it. When I saw the image of Luke holding Leia in her slave costume, my heart constricted. Chuck had practically drooled all over himself when he'd seen me in that very same costume. I knew at the time that he'd wanted to take me into his room and ravish me in that costume, but he'd controlled himself, far better than I would have if the roles were reversed in hindsight. That was not long before I'd left. That night I'd done something purely for his benefit; I could have worn any other costume to that Halloween party to protect my cover. The thing is, I knew how much Chuck loved Star Wars and I knew that he'd really enjoy seeing me dressed as Slave Leia.

I pulled the shirt off of its hanger and took it with me. As I went to leave, I saw the framed picture the two of us took on that very same Halloween. Chuck in his dress shirt and tie for his interview that he missed to save the lives of thousands of people, and me in my Slave Leia costume. I reached out for the picture, it was covered in dust, but I didn't care in the least. As I gazed upon our happy faces, my eyes grew cloudy with tears. I'd only known he was gone for a few minutes and already my heart broke from how much I missed him. I was going to be the mother of his child, a child he'd never even know existed. As I gazed upon his bright smile, I knew in my heart that I loved him. We'd only been together for a few months, not even, but I knew in my heart that I'd love him forever.

After that I made a quick exit from the apartment, careful to leave no traces of my being there, except for the two missing items I refused to part with. The shirt and the picture, I couldn't let them go, I needed something to prove we'd been real. Truthfully, I'd have the best proof of our love in a few months when our child was born, I hope it's a little boy with his father's brunette curls.

I never even drove to my hotel room, canceling it via phone call as I drive to the airport. I quickly bought a one-way ticket to Washington DC, I needed answers and the only way I could possibly get them would be from Langston Graham himself. On the drive from the Dulles International Airport to Langley, I dialed Casey's number, eventually a familiar gruff voice answered.

"Walker?"

"Casey," my voice was nervous and clipped, I was on edge, afraid of what I might learn from my former partner, the best one I ever had.

"Yeah? I'm sort of busy right now, what is it?" I knew from his tone he was only half telling the truth, more than likely he just didn't want to talk to me.

"I need to ask you a few questions," I spoke to him as calmly as I could.

"He's dead, Walker, that's all I can say and you know that's all I can say." My heart sank, I should have known he'd give me the company line.

"Casey, please." I wasn't above begging, but I didn't want to do that yet.

"It was quick, he didn't suffer, that's all I can tell you," His voice wasn't as hard as it was before, it wasn't lost on me. The knot in my throat seemed to grow larger after his words registered.

"Did you do it?" I didn't even know if I wanted to know the answer, but I asked anyway.

"It wasn't a mission; I can't give you any details. I'm sorry, Walker, I wish I could talk about this, but I can't. Now I've really got to be going." He really didn't want to talk about this, that was obvious, so I spoke quickly, my heart had to know just one more thing.

"Casey, wait…" there was a long pause before I heard a tired sigh.

"Yeah?"

"Did uh… did you give Chuck my letter like I asked you?" My voice was fragile and vulnerable, betraying the fear that was welling up inside me. The letter told him how I felt, the letter told him all of it, the letter was supposed to make it all okay. If Chuck hadn't read my letter before the end, then he died without knowing I loved him.

"Yes, it helped a little, he understood." I got his meaning. Chuck understood why I'd left, he hadn't liked it, but he'd understood. He'd known how I'd felt, but that didn't stop him from hurting.

"I should have kept my damn mouth shut and stayed, he'd still be here, he'd know…"

"Walker, don't do this, it won't help," Casey said in as caring a tone as I'd ever heard from him. The tears were pouring from my eyes as I drove, I balanced the phone in my shoulder precariously and wiped my eyes.

"He's never going to know about the baby," I said no louder than a whisper, too emotional to speak.

"I'm sorry, Sarah." Casey had never called me Sarah before, it was jarring.

"Not as sorry as I am; goodbye, John." I didn't have the energy to continue the conversation.

"Goodbye, Sarah; you were the best partner I ever had you know."

"You too." I said before I hung up and tossed my phone onto the passenger seat of my Porsche. My heart was shattered beyond repair, the love of my life was dead and the government may have killed him, or not. I didn't know and it was killing me.

When I arrived at Langley, I quickly made my way to the office of the Director of Central Intelligence. Langston Graham had recruited me, shaped me into the perfect spy, and had used me to fight injustice all over the world. Now he was going to give me answers. I walked into the reception area for his office and simply brushed passed his latest bimbo secretary, he'd always had a thing for these dumb bimbo types that he could fuck at work, it was a miracle he hadn't propositioned me before, but then again, I'm not as thick as two short planks.

"He's free, but you can't just barge in there!" the dumb blonde said as she struggled to keep up with me in her too tight skirt and too tall heels. I pulled the door open and walked in with authority, a look of business on my face.

"Agent Walker, what a surprise," he said in his typically smarmy tone when he wasn't happy about being surprised and out of control of the situation. "Please have a seat," he offered as he motioned towards the pair of chairs that were specifically designed to be shorter than his desk chair, so as to project power.

"I'd rather stand, Sir," I said without a second's thought, I wasn't going to be pushed around, I wanted answers.

"Okay, what brings you by, anything I can help you with?" he asked, obviously trying to regain control of the situation.

"What happened to Chuck Bartowski?" my words were spoken with a tone that I'd never used with Graham, he'd never actually met the Ice Queen, but he was certainly meeting her now.

"I can't divulge that information, Agent Walker, you know that." His condescending tone made me angry, I wasn't ready to start spitting fire just yet, but I was close.

"Don't give me that. Did we terminate him? Did you kill Chuck?" I knew my tone was tipping off how much I cared for Chuck, but in that moment, I didn't care one bit. Graham laughed to himself for a moment, which made my blood boil with furious anger, this asshole was laughing at me.

"Agent Walker, may I remind you that Chuck Bartowski stopped being any of your concern the second you asked me to reassign you?" Graham began before changing tact and speaking much more softly. "Chuck Bartowski was killed in a hiking accident, he fell, it was a tragedy." The change in Graham's tone instantly told me that he was lying, but I simply nodded anyway, knowing I wasn't going to get any answers from the schmuck. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my CIA ID, the badge on the front was well worn and the picture inside of it was from when I was a rookie agent, things were so idyllic back then. I tossed the badge onto Graham's desk and turned to leave.

"Wait, what's this?" I stopped at the door, but didn't look back.

"I can't do this anymore, he changed me, made me a better person, I quit." I left without another word and never looked back. I was in a fog the entire drive back to my Bethesda, Maryland apartment. When I finally arrived at my spartan apartment and sat down, the last twelve hours finally sank in. The love of my life was gone, he'd never know that he was a father, I'd never get to tell him that I loved him. As I sat alone with my grief, the tears finally fell, and I cried for the first time in nearly fifteen years. I was going to be a single mother, with nobody to lean on for support. I couldn't go back to Burbank, not after I'd left them all, likely causing Chuck's demise. I couldn't rely on my father for obvious reasons. Sadly enough, I also couldn't rely on my mother; because of Kieran Ryker, I'd never be able to see her or Molly ever again. I was alone, truly, and the weight of my future threatened to smother me.

I went to my suitcase and pulled out the mementos I'd stolen from Chuck's room. I hugged the shirt to my chest and I looked at the image of us as a happy couple in a real moment, one of our few.

"I miss you already," I whispered as I looked at his beautiful face and curly hair that did indeed make funny animal shapes.

"I miss you so much."

June 7th, 2008

Six Months Later…

Eventually the crushing grief turned into a dull ache that nestled deep inside my heart. It never quite left me, but it no longer consumes me. I eventually mustered up the courage to reach out to Ellie, that happened in March. Once I explained that I was pregnant, I told her that I'd heard that he'd passed away. I explained that my grief and shame of not being there kept me away, which wasn't completely a lie. Ellie was her typical forgiving self and simply told me that grief was different for everyone. I moved back to Burbank in April, my pregnancy now clearly showing. When Ellie saw my belly, she broke down into tears, which of course made me start crying. She couldn't get over the fact that there was one last piece of Chuck inside me, one last reminder of him.

Eventually I asked her how he died and she told me that it was a car accident, which only made my fear worse. Anna said nothing, Casey said it was quick and he didn't suffer, as if he was terminated. Graham told me Chuck died in a hiking accident. None of the stories matched up at all, which made part of me believe that he'd been moved to a bunker and Casey had known about it, but hadn't wanted to admit that. In the end I chose to believe Ellie's version of events, Chuck Bartowski was killed by a man driving a fuel truck. The driver was drunk and he couldn't control his rig and crashed. Chuck's body was too badly burned for identification, but the car and the belongings were all Chuck's so it was assumed that the burnt body found was Chuck's. Chuck was dead, because I couldn't live with myself if the man I loved was locked away in some hole and there was nothing I could do about it. No, it was easier for my grief, if I simply believed he was dead, as awful as that sounds.

Ellie explained that after Chuck's death, Morgan grew up a lot in a very short period of time. He dumped Anna, moving on from that toxic on and off again relationship. Finally, Morgan moved to Hawaii to study benihana, which had always been his secret dream. Apparently, Morgan was still sad, but he was living his life as best he could. Casey moved out a week after Chuck's funeral, claiming he had a job lined up out east, Ellie hadn't heard a peep from the man since. Now it was just Ellie, Devon, and I in Burbank. Where the Bartowski clan had once been six, now it was three, with a fourth due in August.

At present, I'm sitting in the dog park, with the latest addition to the family, Peaches. Back in late May, Ellie had suggested that I get a dog to help with my grief, I was really struggling to cope with the loss of Chuck. Taking her advice to heart, I went to a no kill rescue shelter and stumbled upon this beautiful, nine-year-old Golden Retriever. She was an old soul like me, who'd been in the shelter a long time. As if it couldn't be any more like fate, the name on her tags was Peaches, as if Chuck was looking down on her and sending me a message. When I saw the name tag, I instantly remembered Chuck's story about his dog Peaches and I started crying. I had to have her, so she came home with me that day and instantly brightened my life. She was an old soul, on the tail end of her life; it was as if she recognized that I was mourning, because she was always near me when I was home alone.

I'm thirty weeks pregnant now, and Charles Irving Bartowski Jr. is growing just fine inside me. At first, I was looking for an apartment of my own, but Ellie suggested I move in with her and Devon if I needed help. I thanked her for the offer, but kindly moved into the apartment next door, the apartment that had ironically been Casey's place a few months ago. I asked if I could have some of Chuck's stuff, and Ellie began to cry once again and told me I could take whatever I wanted. She said that she wanted me to have it because nobody loved Chuck like I do. In the end I took most of Chuck's stuff; all of his comic books and graphic novels. I took all of his other books and his collection of records. I took his action figures, his Han Solo action figure displayed prominently in my office, after Ellie had explained the significance. His TRON poster now hangs in my bedroom above my bed; boy was I shocked when I saw the back. It doesn't surprise me that he was trying to keep track of everything. It was a confusing time. I kept basically everything of Chuck's, except for his video games. I gave his clothes to goodwill, except for his tee shirts and sweat shirts, I plan to sleep in and or wear those once I'm no longer pregnant. Now days I work a desk job as a management consultant, my Harvard degree in international business coming in handy. It isn't the most exciting job in the world, but it pays well, so I can't complain.

I'm pulled from my musings by the sound of Peaches; she's lying in the grass to my right, her leash in my hand as I sit on a bench. I look down at the old girl and she looks up at me, panting, her tongue hanging out lazily. I can't help but chuckle at her, she always knows how to cheer me up or lift my spirits whenever I'm thinking about the past.

"Yeah, I was thinking about Chuck again, you always seem to know when I do that." I reach out and give her some scratches behind the ear, she gives me that doggy version of a smile in return. "Is that the spot? Yeah, it is!" I can't help but beam at her as her face scrunches like it does when I scratch that one spot that is juuuuuust right. Eventually Peaches stands up and shakes herself, her long blonde hair fluttering everywhere.

"Ready to go home?" I ask her, she whines in return, her typical response in the affirmative. I nod to myself and slowly rise to my feet, my current condition rendering any form of movement difficult at any pace faster than slow as fuck. I used to be a deadly assassin, now I can't sneak up on a deaf person. That life is behind me, a life as a mother to a beautiful baby boy ahead of me. As I walk Peaches back to my new Toyota Camry, the Porsche having to regretfully be sold in preparation for my new life, I can't help but feel at peace. It's a bittersweet peace, that ache still present inside my heart, but I'm at peace with my world. I'm going to be a mother soon, I've got a real job, and a real family, I've got everything I've ever wanted.

Well, almost everything… sigh


CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #4: What did you think? I know what happened to Chuck was left ambiguous, that was the point, she can't find out for sure, so you won't either (muhaha!) Beyond that, how did the POV go? Did the POV work out well, or was it a flop? I've always wanted to try it, but i've never put anything out in this POV. It's funny, arguably the hardest part of this story, was finding a place in season one to start it. I wanted a spot early in season one, that was emotional, but not angsty between Chuck and Sarah. It ended up being a harder choice than I thought it would be.

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #5: For those of you who want a little update on I Don't Want Your Desire, I've deleted all of the song lyrics from the story to make it compliant with the rules. I know the rules are kind of loosely enforced around here, but Desire means too much to me to risk it for something as stupid as that, I'm sorry! On another note, I finished chapters 12, 13, 14, and i'm half way through chapter 15. You all are going to LOVE Nora Rogers, she's just so cool! I've got big plans for Nora Rogers and the team in the coming bazillion chapters lol. I've also decided that i'm going to call chapters 11 through 17 the second arch, because it's going to establish the new team. Then i'm going to do shorter arcs, likely 5 or 6 chapters each, based around an individual mission. I've made this choice because what is chapters 11 through 17, was supposed to be chapters 11 and 12 in my original outline. That is to say that my story tends to grow as I flesh it out (sorry not sorry :P). All this means is that all of y'all are going to get a crap ton more I Don't Want Your Desire. I can't tell you when i'm going to start posting more Desire. My plan right now is to finish chapters 15, 16, and 17, and then post chapter 12 through 17 weekly. I figure this is how the arcs are going to play out. As if we were watching seasons of Desire. With my class schedule getting busy, my progress is slowing, but I am pushing through it as fast as I can, I PROMISE! Stay tuned everyone, Desire will return!

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #6: So, what did you think? If you wish to opine, leave a review and tell me what you think! Constructive criticism is always greatly appreciated, it helps me grow as a writer.

Until Next Time :D