The Gift That Can't Be Returned
Beth and Morgan both seemed to be tuning Merle out at this point because neither of them flinched at his comment or bothered glancing in his direction.
Morgan sighed, shaking his head. But it wasn't because of Merle this time.
"That's just Duane bein' Duane again," he muttered. "I don't like ta throw around terms like 'fate' and 'destiny.' It's reckless and irresponsible. Besides, you already knew that you needed Daryl's help. Because Merle knows, and he told you. He forced you to talk to Daryl, didn't he?"
Beth nodded. "Yeah. He did." She looked over and found Daryl staring at her, an odd expression on his face. As though he were beginning to feel remorseful about being so doubtful - and downright rude - now that he knew for sure she'd been telling the truth the whole time.
She didn't think she wanted him feeling that way, though. It wasn't like she could really blame him; she knew how insane it had sounded. She knew how jarring all of the information she'd given him must've felt. She couldn't even say she wouldn't have had the same reaction if she were in his position. And now that they were sitting in this odd swamp house, talking to a guy who was completely comfortable with seeing ghosts, she almost felt like the tables had turned. Though she wasn't about to start doubting the Swamp Witch himself. Not when he had all the answers she so desperately needed - and wanted.
Morgan glanced back at Merle, earning a scathing glare from the dead Dixon, then settled his gaze on Beth and said, "I have a strong feeling that this dead man will end up forcing you ta do a lot of things you wouldn't have normally ever done." He paused and shrugged rather nonchalantly, adding, "But that's just part of having these Gifts. Like the old saying goes, it's both a blessing and a curse."
Beth blinked and narrowed her eyes. "What - you mean, the Gifts you have… is that why I can see Merle? I have Gifts, too?"
He smirked, leaning forward in his chair with his elbows on his knees. "Of course you have Gifts, Beth. They don't discriminate. It's like me and Eastman. I know that mine were inherited from several generations, I know that I passed it on to Duane. My grandmother told me stories of the Gifted in our family, of her grandparents who were shamans and their grandparents who were priests and priestesses. In Eastman's case, he had a great-grandfather who was lobotomized for talking to the dead. And much farther back, a grandmother who was burned at the stake for being a witch. You must've had shaman ancestors - or more recently, perhaps an 'odd' relative or two? A grandparent that everyone claims was 'mentally ill?'"
She contemplated this new information for a moment and wracked her brain but no matter how far back into her memories she delved, there was nothing she could find. She'd never heard of anyone else in her family being like her. There wasn't even anyone who'd been insane or 'weird.' Not that her daddy talked much about his own grandparents… and his parents had died way before she was born… and her mama had been adopted so she'd never really known anything about that particular bloodline and it wasn't exactly traceable…
All the air left her lungs in a long and slow breath of realization. She looked down at the scuffed wood floor, still wracking her memory for any trace of… anything. But all she could come up with was:
"My dad told me it was old wives' tales," she said. She lifted her gaze and met Morgan's deep brown eyes to find him staring at her, listening intently. She suddenly felt awkward and shrugged. "I don't… I mean, that's it. I never had anything like this before. It just kinda came outta nowhere."
Morgan nodded, giving her a chance to go on. And when she didn't, he raised his eyebrows and said, "You and I both know that's not true. And that your father was wrong. He's a very wise man, but he was always wrong about this. These weren't old wives' tales. They weren't coincidences or products of your imagination. You've seen ghosts before; you've spoken with the dead, Beth Greene. You've witnessed them crossing over."
Beth was struck silent. She swallowed hard, unable to tear her gaze away from Morgan's.
"You've been peeking behind The Veil since you first opened your eyes."
Her response came out weak and shaky, "I have…?"
He nodded.
Her mama's doting voice echoed in her head, You were always such a chatty baby. You had so many imaginary friends! My perceptive little girl.
Daryl interjected with a question of his own, quiet and uncertain, "What d'you mean, The Veil?"
Morgan turned his intense stare to Daryl and explained, "The Veil is like a curtain: it separates the mortal plane from The Other Side, the living from the dead. You and most everyone you know lives in the mortal plane without ever catching more than a glimpse behind that curtain. But those of us with Gifts can see beyond The Veil, and some of us are able to balance between both planes with ease."
Some of us, Beth thought. Not me. If I could balance at all, I'd stay completely in the normal world. Where I belong. I don't want to see what's behind The Veil. There's a curtain separating us for a reason.
"That's why y'all can see Merle an' I can't?" Daryl asked.
Morgan nodded. "Basically."
Beth couldn't help but mutter, "Consider yerself lucky."
Daryl grunted out a half-chuckle and then Morgan was reaching out with both hands across the coffee table, toward Beth.
"May I see your hand?" He asked.
She hesitated, caught off-guard, and shared a look of puzzlement with Daryl. Though she was probably less puzzled than he was. She was reminded of Lady Jadis and her bullshit palm reading. Forty bucks down the drain…
Nonetheless, Beth held out her right hand and allowed him to take it in both of his. He turned her palm up and leaned farther forward until he was on the edge of his seat and peering down curiously at the creases in her skin.
"I saw that woman - Jadis, she calls herself - reading your palm," he explained quietly, tracing one fingertip carefully through the lines. "I couldn't see what she was seeing, but she had the strangest look on her face. Like... "
His voice trailed off and then his lips were pressing into a thin line and he was nodding to himself, like something was suddenly making sense. He let go of Beth's hand and looked at her. "The other hand?"
Without question, she offered out her left hand. He took it in both of his and turned her palm up, just as he'd done with the other. But he didn't even glance at the lines. Instead, he slipped his thumbs beneath the thick bracelet she wore around her left wrist and pushed it up half an inch to reveal the horizontal scar that lay there.
He ghosted across the raised mark with a fingertip and muttered, "Here's not here."
As soon as she realized that her secret had been publicized, she jerked her hand back and shoved it between her thigh and the couch. She felt her face growing hot as Morgan leaned back and stared at her, an expression on his face that she couldn't quite decipher. He didn't look satisfied, but he didn't look disappointed either. It was more like he'd just been given an answer that he was expecting yet dreading all the same.
"W-what? What'd you jus' say?"
"Here's not here. Not for you, Beth," Morgan explained. He began to speak quieter, softer. "Lady Jadis may be misguided, but she's certainly not stupid. You've been toeing the lines between planes of existence for your entire life. This is more than just peeking behind The Veil. You were given a Gift - a spectacular Gift. An extremely difficult Gift. And you've had to navigate it without any guidance this entire time…" He sighed and glanced away toward the floor before adding, "Yer probably not gonna like any part of what I'm about to tell you."
She worried her lower lip and stared back at him, determined. For some reason, his words were creating a tight and painful knot in her stomach. Though she was almost certain that he wasn't about to tell her anything she didn't already know. She willed him to meet her eyes again.
When he did, she said, "Tell me."
Morgan cleared his throat. Then he began, "All those odd incidents when you were young - the people you could see that others couldn't, the shadows and the voices from nowhere, the old couple walking out of the burning house…"
Her eyes widened and she nodded, silently urging him to go on. Her heart was in her throat.
He continued, "You were stepping behind The Veil. Constantly. You weren't just taking peeks, you were taking full-fledged strolls through planes where you did not belong. Lady Jadis saw all the splits in your life line; she was confused because normally, a split in that line would mean you've died. And all those splits would mean you've died several times. But obviously, you haven't. You've remained very alive for twenty-four years. You were simply… jumpin' around. In and out, over and back. Without even knowing it."
He seemed just as fascinated as she was by the things he was telling her. Though he also seemed a bit melancholy, as though there was some kind of darker realization to be found. She subconsciously held her breath, hanging on his every word and naively hoping for the best. But she never could've prepared herself for his next question.
"Did your parents ever tell you that you died before you were born?"
Beth froze. She stared at Morgan blankly, completely dumbstruck. No - what?! She wanted to say. But her voice had fled and all she could do was shake her head weakly.
He nodded very matter-of-factly and told her, "That was one of the first visions I had of you. The umbilical cord got wrapped around yer tiny little neck while your mother was in labor. You died before your head had so much as crowned through the birth canal. You didn't take your first breath for three long minutes once you came into this world… And because of that, you were born with one foot on The Other Side."
Her mouth was hanging open and she almost wanted to cry. But she couldn't.
Morgan saw the shock on her face and how speechless she was. He smiled reassuringly and said, "It's okay - you survived. You defied all odds and as a result, you were given a rare and blessed Gift that so many could only dream of possessing. Maybe you are the first in your family, or maybe it was inherited from someone you've never heard of. Either way, you are special, Beth. You've always been special… Whether you wanna be or not."
How do I return this Gift? Where's the receipt? She wanted to ask. But her voice remained stuck in her throat and she could barely think clearly enough to keep breathing.
Morgan obviously understood, though. He gave her a chance to respond and when she didn't - and when Daryl kept sitting in silence and staring with the same amount of awe - he went on with his explanation.
"This Gift is a heavy weight to bear," he said solemnly. "And for some, it will fade away during puberty. If it's left neglected and mismanaged. Maybe that was the case fer you."
She quickly nodded to affirm his assumption, though that was all she could manage. The rest of her body felt numb. How did he know things about her that she'd never even known?
He blinked long and slow to acknowledge her before continuing in the same solemn tone, "But then you ventured farther…" He gestured toward her wrist. "When you tried to take your own life, you unknowingly created another split in your life line; you took an entire step out of the mortal plane, practically a leap. And your Gift came back with full force. You've been tethered to The Other Side for years. I reckon you just didn't know it."
There it was: the thing she'd been desperately hoping he wouldn't mention. He'd uncovered the scar on her wrist and now it felt like he was trying to reopen it. Her jaw was still slack but she had no response, no explanation.
A heavy silence hung over the cabin for what seemed like the longest moment ever.
Then it was abruptly broken as Daryl asked, "You tried ta kill yerself…?"
"Christ, blondie," Merle muttered from beside the mantle, an uncomfortable look on his face. He didn't even have a smartass remark to follow, he just shifted his weight from one foot to the other rather awkwardly.
Beth's mouth snapped shut and she felt all the blood rushing to her cheeks, her face becoming unbearably hot. She suddenly wanted to disappear.
She looked to Daryl with shame, frowning as she muttered, "When I was seventeen. I was in a bad place. It was stupid - I didn't really wanna die."
She didn't know why she felt the need to explain herself to him, especially considering how he'd been treating her. But for some reason, she felt horribly embarrassed. This was one of her deepest, darkest secrets. It was one of those things that changed the way people looked at her and thought of her and acted towards her. She hadn't wanted anyone to find out, let alone Daryl or Merle. Or the Swamp Witch.
Yet here she was, being told that her most selfish and shameful act had actually been the catalyst to reviving the Gift she'd never even known was a gift to begin with.
Morgan seemed pleased with her explanation and said, "No. You didn't. And that's the most important part."
Here's not here. Here's not here, she repeated inside her head, trying to comprehend it. How could I have been in two places at once without ever realizing it?
It still didn't make sense, though. If anything, all this revelation did was make her really mad. It brought back old memories and buried feelings that she didn't like dealing with. She suddenly felt angry and frustrated, furious with how ashamed she felt but also annoyed with herself - mostly her past self, the weak Beth who'd opened her own wrist in a pathetic cry for attention. And aggravated with Morgan for bringing all of this up in a way that only seemed to make everything worse. A way that made her look just as crazy and hopeless as the dead guy that was haunting her.
"If I can see dead people, then how come I couldn't see my mom?" She asked, staring at Morgan as though he were withholding every answer she'd always been searching for. Even though she knew he wasn't. She couldn't stop her voice from rising, couldn't stop her pent-up anger from rearing its ugly head. "After all that? Did you see it in yer visions? All her suffering, how much it hurt ta watch her die? To lose her? How hard I prayed fer the chance to see her one more time an' say goodbye? Did'ja see any of it?"
She hadn't even realized that her hands were clenched into fists atop her lap, or that her back had gone stiff and her jaw had begun clenching tightly. She could feel Daryl's shocked gaze on her but she didn't even care. She kept staring at Morgan, waiting for an answer - any answer.
His lively brown eyes dimmed and he frowned, meeting Beth's glare with a sympathetic expression. "Yes, Beth. I know how much it hurt you ta watch yer mama leave this world. Trust me… I understand. It's a heavy burden for anyone to carry, and often it doesn't feel fair."
He let out a deep breath, a pained look drifting across his features. Then he paused and licked his lips before finishing softly, "Your mother crossed over without incident, though. She's in a better place now. Be grateful that you didn't need to help her."
Beth huffed out a humorless laugh. "Oh, I should be grateful for that?" She gestured toward Merle and asked angrily, "So why him? Of all people, why did I get stuck helpin' the racist redneck asshole?! How the hell am I supposed ta help somebody when I never even knew 'em while they were alive?"
"Hey!" Merle objected.
But Daryl was nodding in agreement, quick to add, "'S a good question - she's makin' some good points here, man."
Morgan put up his hands as if to defend himself, shaking his head. "When I say you should be grateful, I don't mean it condescendingly… I had to watch my wife die. I had to help her find her way to The Other Side. That's how we learned that Duane had inherited my Gift. And that entire experience… is something I would never wish on my worst enemy, let alone a child. You were still a child when your mother died, you were still a child when you thought you wanted ta die. Yer no longer a child, Beth Greene. You're an adult and that means yer gonna be put through some tough situations."
She suddenly felt very stupid and her anger was rapidly receding into shame. How could she have been so crass, so presumptuous? She didn't feel like herself lately, but that was no excuse to be ignorant.
"'S time ta nut up er shut up, princess," Merle commented. Then he paused and mumbled, "Wait - 's that from a movie? Shit, I think I'm losin' my edge over here. Can we move this along already?"
Beth was too frustrated to acknowledge him and Morgan seemed to have no problem ignoring his off-handed remarks.
"I know you're frustrated," Morgan continued reassuringly, focusing his attention on her. "I know the whole situation is nonsensical - but I'm tryin' ta help. Okay? I'm not gonna have every single answer yer lookin' for, but I do have most of the answers that you need. You're not gonna like 'em all. I warned you."
She forced her shoulders to relax, exchanging a look with Daryl. He seemed to be telling her the same thing with his eyes and she immediately felt even more embarrassed than before.
Why was she lashing out at the one person who could help her? Why was she so upset about learning the truth when this is exactly what she'd wanted to know? Being around two very stubborn Dixon brothers had really taken its toll on her mental state today.
"I'm sorry," she apologized meekly, shrinking into herself and trying to backtrack the outburst of anger. "I didn't mean… it just doesn't make much sense. And my wrist - that was a long time ago. I was different back then, I was weak. If I'd had any idea that it would come back to literally haunt me like this - "
"You weren't weak," Morgan cut her off firmly, staring intently into her eyes. "I know. You don't need to apologize. You just need to listen. It's a lot to wrap your head around but you have to try. And then you have to do what you can with all the information you have. These Gifts are given to us for some kind of reason, and I'm almost positive that it's not random."
Beth hmphed softly and tried to sound less aggravated. "Lady Jadis said somethin' about service to others being the rent you pay for yer place on Earth. Did you hear that part in yer vision?"
His eyebrows furrowed and he appeared displeased, though he nodded. "I did catch that bit." He paused, contemplating his next words. Then he said decisively, "And I think it's bullshit. She spoke as though you weren't meant to be here. Like you're fillin' some space that wasn't intended for you and paying the price with your life, with some 'destiny' that you have no control over. That's bullshit. She may have had some decent advice, but she doesn't see the big picture. She doesn't see you, Beth. You were very much meant to be here - exactly as you are, exactly where you are, and exactly as you'll ever be."
Beth was stunned into silence. How the hell was she supposed to respond to that? She could feel Daryl's eyes on her once again and it was getting harder to ignore him, harder to pretend that she didn't notice him staring at her in her periphery.
He appeared even more shocked by all these revelations - which didn't make sense because it didn't even have anything to do with him. Why did he care about her sad little tale of seeing ghosts and attempting suicide? None of this affected the Merle situation in any way. Daryl may as well have stepped out for this conversation. And she was kind of wishing he had.
So much for not thinking I'm crazy, she thought. She was partially expecting him to tell her that there was no way in hell he'd ever trust someone who had taken a knife to their own wrist - and she would understand. Especially since he'd so recently lost Merle in an all too similar fashion.
At the same time, she wasn't sure why she cared so much about what he thought.
"But yer saying I basically have no choice - that I have to help Merle," she said. "Why? Just because I have some Gift that I never even wanted?"
Morgan smirked at this and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. He blinked and told her, "I never said you have no choice. You always have a choice."
Suddenly, the heavy weight on Beth's back felt twenty times lighter. She stared back at him, confused.
Then he pointed to Daryl.
"Him, on the other hand?" Morgan shook his head and said matter-of-factly, "Not so much."
to be continued...
A/N: Pleeeeease go check this fic out on AO3 because there's lots of pretty pictures to go with it now :)
