A/N: OKAY sweet jesus, first i got behind because how massively long with chapter is compared to the rest and my work schedule being shit and then my laptop charger caught fire AND my entire city is cut off from the rest of our country. Anyways, Adeles new album slaps, ive been listening to Red (Taylor's Version) on repeat so sit down and get ready.

(Trigger warning: Homophobia / Gun Violence.)


Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."

Romans 12:17


A sleepless night was not something Will was used to, but he found himself tossing and turning at every hour like a clock. The sun hadn't even begun to crack the frigid dawn as he rolled out of bed. It had rained a small bit the night before, leaving the air with a wet lingering touch.

Without much thought, he pulled on a sweater and slipped his feat into whatever socks he could find before heading downstairs. It was the silence that surrounded him that brought him to an isolation he hadn't yet experienced; it was enchanting.

Slipping outside into the still air, the distant stars preparing for their slumber, he sunk down on the steps. His breath was visible in a morning mist and the chill tickled his nose. It was far beyond anyone to be normally awake, so Will sat, listening to even the tired air pass through the sleeping trees.

He felt like he could run for miles if he chose to. In the city, no one was ever fully asleep. But here, if he chose, he could be the only one. It was a separation that he clung to on nights where the city was restless. The swerving of cars and the shouting of those below never let him find a stillness. For a second, he thought about disappearing into the woods.

Would he be safe? It didn't matter. He would be free of everything around him. His worries would melt into the rustling of the bush below his heavy feet.

Maybe the commotion would be good for his wondering mind. The silence was way too welcoming for thoughts. He couldn't escape himself, but maybe he could drown himself out for a moment.

Being in his own skin was suffocating Will. He was choking on the air, filling his lungs as it stung. To return to the life he was living and to split between the life he once had left him divided and stretched too thin.

He was on a wire, and one pull too tight from one side threatened to snap him, leaving him freefalling. Maybe the impact below would be worth it, maybe it would kill him instantly.

Will wasn't sure how long he sat there, but when he took in the sights before him, he could see the sun beginning to shine behind the horizon. Even being on his own, he still needed to get away.

Will made his way over to the field where he saw Anakin skirting the fence. Hopefully, it wasn't too early, Will thought.

Will wasn't entirely sure what time it was when he finally made his way back to the house, but his fingers were numb. The apparent sunny morning was quickly overcome with clouds, taking up the blue sky.

His steps were a little wobbly as he finally dismantled Anakin, giving him some attention before sending him off. He was more than happy to comply.

When Will came up to the house, he noticed the car in the driveway was missing. He went to head inside.

As he crept up, he was hyperaware of music coming from within. For a moment, Will paused. As he tried to listen for recognition, he was baffled. Piano. It was piano.

Why was there piano music being played this early in the morning? Will paused, realising that maybe it wasn't exactly that early in the morning. He made his way inside.

As he entered, he made sure to be as discrete as possible. The music was sad. Angry. It made Will want to throw a chair and weep.

Nico was seated at the piano, still in his pajamas and oversized sweater. His fingers moved as if they were liquid. There was a level of concentration that Will hadn't seen on him. If he was being honest with himself, he had never seen Nico even touch a piano.

The way his fingers moved with the sound was just as compelling as the sounds coming out. There was a story being told in the music as well as the execution of it.

Will had played a little when he was younger, but he had quickly lost interest. He had very little musical talent compared to his parents. Despite have next to no rhythm, he still tried to force himself to keep up with guitar. He was decent, but nowhere near as good as he wished he was.

But Nico… He was speaking so much by saying nothing. He was captivating.

After listening in for a few minutes, completely mesmerized by the sound, he found himself heading over to the bench his boyfriend sat at. Without saying anything, he took a seat upon the empty half. Nico's playing faltered before coming to a halt. His fingers still resting on the keys in the last notes he played, still ringing out. He released his foot from the pedal.

"Naomi said she was heading into town for a bit."

"That was amazing," Will said, eyes still trained on the ivory. He didn't ignore what Nico had said, just moved past it.

"It was nothing," Nico spoke, his voice low as he brought his hands back to his own lap. Neither of them looked at one another, instead their eyes trained forward.

Will reached out and pressed a key, a G ringing out as he held it down.

"I used to play when I was younger," he said, releasing his finger. "I wasn't any good, though. Much like most things my parents excelled at, I was lacking the natural talent, and it frustrated me."

Nico looked over and watched as Will brought his hand back to his lap. Will could see him out of the corner of his eye but said nothing.

"I gave up much sooner than I should have."

Nico nodded.

Will brought his hands up to the keys and settled them but didn't press down.

"What were you playing just now?" Will asked as he looked over at Nico. Shifting, Nico faced forward and shrugged.

"I was making it up."

"You are incredible."

"I wouldn't say that."

"But I would."

Nico met his eye. He didn't say anything, but there was a flicker across his face that said what needed to be spoken. Will smiled and pressed down on a chord. He let it ring out before moving to the next. He was scrambling together everything he could recall from his time playing. Most of it had left, but what stayed was all muscle memory.

He could only confidently manage chords, but as he pressed them, Nico shifted beside him and started to play along. It was a fragile duet that rested heavy on Will not messing up the key, but it was pretty. With one hand, Nico mirrored and harmonized with Will's notes, and with the other, adding in the melody.

When Will did slip up, Nico was quick to catch and fix it on the fly. They worked together, and while it didn't always sound right, it did sound like them. Parts were crunchy, parts didn't always mix, but when they did, it was to a crescendo. There wasn't verbal communication to when they were going to stop, but when Will let the last note, without warning and in perfect harmony, Nico stopped too. While Will let his fingers rest, Nico was the first to lift up, settling his hands back into his lap.

His fingers felt hot as they rested on the cooled keys. Like, if he kept his fingers planted, they were going to burn up, so he drew back and rested them on his lap.

A million thoughts were swarming his mind and the sudden silence was only feeding the whispers that were seeping through.

"I'm sorry," Will said. He wasn't sure why, but he felt like he needed.

Nico didn't speak. For a second, Will wasn't sure he had even heard him, but the younger man took a deep breath in, letting out a sigh. Will looked ahead, training his eyes to find something to focus on. As he sat, he felt Nico's hand take his own.

They simply held one another's hand between them, neither looking at the other.

"I'm sorry," Will said again, feeling the words in his own mouth as he spoke them.

Nico squeezed but didn't say a word.

….

Will had agreed to help Cecil out with setting everything up for the bush party. Cecil lived pretty far out on the edge of town so he had a giant backyard and with it being spring break, they knew they would be fine for volume. But Cecil had panicked messaged Will at about three o'clock, begging for help setting up.

Naomi had gotten home earlier and said she didn't need the car for the rest of the day so they were fine to head over.

Nico and Will had just been hanging around the house doing nothing more than watching shitty T.V. for the past few hours, so they were more than able to head out.

As Nico was getting dressed, Will tossed him a hoodie.

"Trust me, it's gonna get chilly out."

"Thanks," he said, slipping it on.

"It said it wasn't going to rain, but I don't like the look of the clouds."

"You never like the look of clouds."

Will threw a discarded shirt at Nico who only laughed as he swatted it to the side.

"If it's going to rain, it might as well commit," Will told him, buttoning up his flannel.

"I don't want your stupid camo hoodie." Nico through the sweater back at his boyfriend who caught it. "And besides, it smells like shit." Taking a sniff, Will instantly through it in the dirty laundry.

"You got me there. At least wear a jacket."

"Yes, mom."

"Actually-"

"Hey, Naomi," Nico yelled, rushing past Will, grabbing his bag, leaving Will who was left laughing behind.

When Nico got downstairs, Will's mom was sitting on the couch, reading some book. She looked up from her page and cocked a brow.

"Where's the keys?"

She pointed to the counter.

"Should be on the counter, if not, check my purse."

"Thanks."

Nico looked around before spotting them under her bag. He pulled them out and twirled them on his finger before clutching them.

"Ready to go?" Will asked as he came down the stairs. He had a baseball-style cap on, his curls poking out underneath. He was adjusting something at his waist.

Nico raised the keys then pointed.

"No, you are not."

"What?" Will asked, readjusting his holster.

"You are not taking the fucking gun."

"Nico, there's coyotes, it's literally for safety," Will explained before he fitted the pistole in.

"Seriously?"

"If it make's you feel better, you can carry it," Will said, gesturing to the firearm at his side.

Nico rolled his eyes and turned, heading towards the door.

"I can't believe you."

"You'll thank me later when you're face-to-face with a wild animal."

"Have fun you two," Naomi called as she turned her attention back to her book. "Be safe."

"We will," Will called out as Nico said, "Not with him in charge."

She waved them off as they made their way to the car.

"I can't believe you," Nico said again, but Will only laughed.

…..

Pulling up to Cecil's house, Will parked on the other side of the street. He waved to Nico to follow him as they rounded the house. As they entered the backyard, Cecil was running around, struggling to seemingly get things set up. When Cecil spotting Will and Nico rounding the corner, he let out an audible sigh.

"Thank god," he said, letting the folded chair he was struggling to set up fall to the ground.

"Why are you strugglin' so much, dude?" Will asked, tossing his jacket off to the side. Nico followed him just half a beat behind.

"I was wanting to get snacks and everything, but I was so unsure of what to get, and then by the time I would have had to head into town, I was still trying to figure out chair arrangement and-"

"Okay, one: breathe." Will put his hands out to settle Cecil who actually listened to him. "And two: stop worrying, dude."

"But-"

"Seriously, this isn't a third-grade birthday party."

"It kind of looks like it," said a man who stepped out of backyard door. He was tall and blond and had a scar leading from his left eye, down his jaw. His clothes were tattered and weathered from wear. He wore the same lopsided smile that Cecil had but his looked more twisted.

"Luke," Will called out, waving to the older man. He had a can of beer in his hand and he cracked it open.

"Solace," he said, nodding as he took a sip. "How ya' doin'?"

"It's not a birthday party," Cecil tried to cut in, but when he realised his older brother was taking the attention, he huffed off to set up the chairs. Nico headed over and started to help.

"Good, just a bit tired. You?"

"That's my brother," Cecil told Nico as he handed him a plastic lawn chair. It was dirty, but he assumed no one would care.

"Ah, ya' know. Same old."

"School goin' well?"

"Fuck business school, dude. Never take it."

Will smiled and crossed his arms.

"Applied to med school, so…"

Luke made a face and took a swig of his drink.

"Worse. Much, much worse."

"You could say that, for sure."

"He think's he's so much cooler than me," Cecil muttered as he watched the interaction. His face was pulled down into a pout.

"Is he?" Nico asked, half as a joke, but Cecil just huffed.

"And don't worry," Luke adding, taking a swig again, "I made sure to stock y'all up for tonight. Just made a run to the store. Think of it as a small welcome back gift."

"I know he just got the beer he likes," Cecil told Nico before rolling his eyes.

It was obvious the Cecil was a little insecure next to his older brother, no matter how grateful he was. For a second, Nico thought Cecil was jealous of his brother for speaking with Will. He could kind of understand that feeling a bit.

"'Aight, I'm heading back in. If you need anything, Cecil, just yell. Have fun tonight." Luke waved as he headed back inside, finishing off his drink and tossing it into a small pile of discarded cans by the back door.

Will headed over to where Nico was standing, still holding a busted chair. Will raised a brow, asking him what he was doing with a nod of his chin. Nico held up the chair.

"I don't think we can use this one," he told him.

"I've sat on worse."

Nico rolled his eyes. "I bet."

"Okay, okay, Will – William, my boy," Cecil cut in, eyes darting across the lawn.

"Hello."

"Can I get you to run to the store and pick up some things? I'll cash app you, if that's okay?"

Will chuckled.

"It's completely fine. What do you want?"

"I'll text you." Cecil turned to Nico and it caught him off guard. "And you. I need you."

"Good luck," Will called out as he grabbed his things, heading back over to his car.

….

Will was back in no time and when he got back, he was accompanied by Lou and another girl.

"Look who I ran into," Will announced, setting the bags down on one of the chairs.

Cecil and Nico perked up from where they were standing.

"Kayla," Cecil yelled, waving at the strawberry blonde girl. She was about a head shorted than Nico but had broad shoulders. The tips of her hair were dip dyed neon green but it had obviously faded over time.

"Markowitz."

"This looks like your third grade birthday," she pointed out, earning a snicker from Nico who tried to hide it behind a cough when Cecil glared over at him.

"Luke said the same thing," Will said.

"Yeah, that sounds like him."

"Cecil," Lou shouted, holding up a bag, "I brought some good stuff."

"Oh, thank god. All Luke got was the shitty beer he drinks." Cecil took the bag and peered inside. "You are going to kill us."

Lou smiled. "That's the goal. Tonight's going to be wild. If I remember it, then we failed."

"That doesn't sound good," Kayla popped in. "She drove me here."

"I'll make sure she doesn't drive home," Will said. "And if you need a ride, I'm not drinking much tonight."

"Noted."

"Nico," Will shouted, motioning for his boyfriend to come over. As Nico stood awkwardly at Will's side, Will said, "This is Kayla. We were in band together all throughout middle school."

"I play a mean flute," she said. "Will over here, he almost got demoted to triangle he was so bad."

"Okay, that's enough," he tried to cut her off, but she pushed him, smiling.

"Trust me. Not a drop of musical talent."

"Dude."

"But he can whistle like a mother fucker."

Nico smiled. Kayla was gentle with her words but she made sure each one counted. Even when she was making jabs, it was obvious that everyone was in on the joke.

"Oh fuck," Lou yelled. "I swear Solace busted my eardrum the last time he did that. Too close and pop!"

"You guys are so mean," he said. "I'm glad I left."

Nico laughed, shaking his head. Will rolled his eyes.

"Nico," he said, sticking his hand out. Kayla took it instantly and shook her head.

"I know. I follow Will on TikTok. I see your guys' videos."

"Oh, wow… okay."

It was weird every time he remembered that there were people out there that knew of him, but to Nico, they were just numbers. It was always jarring, but he was starting to get used to.

"It's a good thing, don't worry," she reassured him. Her smile was warm and bright. She couldn't quite look him in the eye when she spoke, but it was relaxing.

….

The next people to arrive later into the evening was Leo and darker skinned girl with messy locks pulled up into a ponytail, stray hairs flying in the breeze. She had a vintage beauty to her, even with dirt covered overalls and steel toed boots. And following behind them was a heavy-set boy with his arm slung into a cast. He looked like he had gotten into some sort of fight and lost. Leo introduced them as Nyssa and Jake.

Will was quick to great them, the group slipping into a simple conversation. It was as if Will had never left and just took a week off of school by how smooth he was with these people he hadn't seen or spoken fully to in years. Nico knew Will always had an easier time with conversation and just making friends, but sometimes it intimidated him.

Leo went over and greeted Nico, giving him a high-five that left a sting on his skin. Shaking his hand out, trying to make the mental static leave, he nodded as Leo said, "Good to see you again, New York."

"Yeah, same."

"Blondie still treating you good?" he asked, and something about his brow raise seemed almost knowing yet genuinely curious.

Nico knew that if he stalled longer than a second, Leo might just pick up on Nico's budding anxiety. It wasn't totally Will's fault, he just wasn't the best in certain situations. He always found he spoke wrong when he opened his mouth, his anxiety getting to his lips before his brain could. He was surrounded by people he didn't know and it was a bubbling surge of words he was scared to say. And if he was being honest, there was somethings he wasn't entirely sure about, given him and Will's situation and where things stood. But he smiled and nodded.

"Yeah."

"Good, thought I would have to be your knight in shining armour."

Nico rolled his eyes at Leo's jerk-stop advances, but he knew he meant well. All the flirting was empty – mostly.

"My hero," Nico muttered, earning a hardy laugh from the shorter man. He cracked a small smile as he looked back over to where Will was engaged in conversation. When he looked up, the blond had his eyes locked on him, glancing over his shoulder. His brows were pursed together slightly but his expression lightened when Nico met his eyes. A smile cracked his lips as he gave a gentle nod before turning back to Nyssa who was waving her hands around as she spoke.

Leo clapped his back and held up a bag he had been carrying.

"Here I thought I was saving the day, but looks like this is just chalking up to be a good night," he said as he rested the alcohol he had brought next to the collection.

Nico glanced over the collection of liquor and bit his lip. He and his friends drank back home, but something irked him about that night. It shouldn't have bothered him, it should have been fine, but having the nauseating feeling consume him deep down left him back on the edge. Glancing back over to where Will stood, Nico crossed his arms, suddenly feeling too bare.

Will was laughing at something one of them had said, his eyes crinkling as he nodded along. There was something alien between them, unspoken words that threatened to end their silence even if neither of them was ready. Nico understood, he really did, but there was a distance this week had put between them, and with Will not wanting to fully explain what was going on his mind, it was doing nothing but chip away at his subconscious.

Thinking back to Leo's words, Nico wondered. Was Will treating him good?

Was he treating Will good?

…..

As the night continued on, the fire roared to life. Snacks were cracked open and passed between everyone, drinks being the first thing to see a dent in. Something Nico didn't realise was how well Will's friends could put back alcohol. Lou had started the night with two shots.

"Oh, I'm just getting started," she announced when Kayla told her to pace herself.

"We all saw you at New Years," Jake pointed out, earning a laugh from the rest of the group. Lou waved him off and tossed him a beer that was lukewarm at best.

"Shut up and drink, Piss Boy."

When Nico cocked a brow at the nickname everyone seemed to understand and laugh at, Cecil was quick to jump in and explain the story behind Jake and how he had been caught taking a leak behind the school in the eighth grade.

And then Jake did just that. He pulled out his keys from his pocket and craved a hole into the side of the can, cracking the top as he chugged it. He struggled with one hand, explaining earlier on that he had gotten into a car crash that he had waved off, but he managed well enough. Jake crushed the can under his foot before chucking it back to Lou. She laughed the entire time, swatting the can away.

Following Lou's lead, despite her initial stance, Kayla was the next to take a shot, helping queue up the next few for the group.

When the shot got to Nico, the last thing he was going to do was turn it down. He took a sniff, earning a chuckle from Kayla as he made a face.

"Smells like Mr. Clean and cough syrup but tastes like lemonade," she explained. Shrugging, he shot it back and felt the familiar burn slid down his throat.

"Wow," he coughed, "that's…"

"I know."

And she did. It tasted like she had said but only about five seconds after the liquid had left his mouth.

She winked as she handed the next one to Will. He graciously accepted the shot and downed it without a second glance. It could have been pickle juice but he wouldn't have known in time by how fast it was gone. He licked his lips and nodded, handing the shot glass back to Kayla.

"That's not bad."

"Right?"

"Oh, you are weak" Nyssa shouted as she downed her shot. "Half full?"

Lou shrugged. "Don't blame me that Cecil doesn't have enough full shot glasses, someone had to take the double one."

"Luke has the weirdest collect," he explained. "Pretty sure he just steals them from bars and people's house."

Nyssa looked at her shot glass and then shrugged. "That checks out."

There were more conversations being passed on, each person talking over one another, sharing whatever story came to mind. Cecil handed out a mixture of metal and wooden sticks to roast hot dogs. One too many ended up falling into the fire, but everyone just laughed and passed a new one to the person.

The seating arrangement had been nice, but there wasn't enough chairs for everyone to comfortably have their own so Nico and Will sat on a log with a blanket thrown over so it wouldn't be as cold. Lou had claimed her seat to be the cooler, dubbing herself master of the drinks. You had to pass her vibe check to get another.

Even with his attention somewhere else and his right hand occupied most of the time, Will still had his free hand pressed into Nico's back. For the most part it just rested, but every so often he would pull Nico closer, kissing the side of his head. Despite being in a group of people he had next to no knowledge of, he felt relatively calm for the time being. It wasn't so much his anxiety lessening as it was the lack of caring for his and Will's relationship. It had been a while since they could be this open in Texas.

As stories were passed along, Nico got to know more about Will's friends and their relationships. Nyssa had been in shop with Will and Leo back in middle school, earning a friendship that was bonded over the shop teacher losing a finger to a table saw. Jake put out that he had been absent that day and was wildly out of the loop as to why everyone refused to participate in class for almost two weeks.

"To my defense, no one told me and they just let me wonder around like an idiot for a few days."

Kayla and Lou shared an English class for the past few years and managed to develop a slight-of-hand code to help one another on tests. Jake and Cecil had known one another since they were in preschool and Leo's mother had babysat over half the group at one point.

The conversation was light and easy for the most part, but Nico still felt a little out of place. He didn't feel the need to step into the conversation other than to ask questions in stories he felt he had no context to.

"Listen," Nyssa started, motioning for Lou to fill her shot glass up again, "I know you left, but man, Will, you would have lost your shit over what happened right before Christmas break."

"Oh, my god – shit, you're right." Lou topped up her glass and filled her own up. A few more people sent their glasses her way and she got every body rounds.

"Someone dumped an entire carton of chocolate milk in Octavian's locker and when we got back from break, shit stunk up the entire school. Don't know how no one noticed until then, but he was pissed.

"Did they ever end up finding out who it was?" Leo asked, down his shot after thanking Lou.

Nyssa shook her head. "No one's gonna snitch on that freak."

"Octavian can eat my ass," Jake mumbled, sipping on his beer. He seemed to be the only one actually consuming Luke's present.

"Don't say his name or you'll summon him," Kayla joking, finishing off her cider. "Fucker's like Betelgeuse."

"Octavian – Octavian – Oct-" Nyssa couldn't finish her sentence before she was getting cut off by Jake slapping his free had over her mouth. All she did was laugh.

"We are not pressing our luck with him."

Nyssa huffed as Jake dropped his hand. "Just once I want to shove his gross, tuberculosis-looking ass into the ground."

"Listen," Lou spoke up, "if I could get rid of him and know I'd live to see another day, I would."

Will just hummed next to Nico. He thought he was feel Will tense up, but either between the alcohol or the presence of his friends, Will's tension felt minimal. Even the hand pressed up to his back didn't stiffen like he had expected. Nico knew he was two shots and drink in, so maybe that's all he needed to not freak out over just his name.

"We saw Bryce fuckin' yesterday," Lou added, cracking open her second standalone drink of the night seeming completely sober despite her shot count. "Said some shit about people not liking that Will's in town."

Jake's brows furrowed together. "How'd he even know if no one told him."

"Will did post a TikTok with his ma'," Kayla pointed out.

And she was right. While they had been down, Will had not skipped out on any chance he had to make content. Not a lot of it included Nico and it was mostly farm videos, but he had been posting he was back with his mother, Naomi.

He had dragged Nico into making one video of them dancing to some country song, but he was pretty sure Will hadn't posted that one. It was sitting in Will's drafts, something Nico would occasionally sneak in to view. It was just as embarrassing as it was endearing.

Will's face scrunched up in thought as he bit his lip, sipping the second drink he was nursing. Will could handle his alcohol and knew his limits, but he still was driving them home so he was pulling what they called "Pulling a Piper." It's where you drink as much as you can in the beginning until you feel it then you let yourself sober up until you're safe enough to drive. Nico knew Will was cutting himself off after this one last drink, but he was still a little bit worried about when it was time to leave.

"Yeah, I guess that's one way he might have known," Will finally spoke, taking another drink. "But it doesn't matter because I don't have to see him ever again."

"God, I hate seeing people live my dream," Nyssa mumbled as she downed the rest of her drink.

Nico shot a glance over at Will, his ever-present hand still warming his back. There was a glint in his eye that he couldn't quite make out, but it was enough for Nico to turn away. He stared out at the fire, watching the embers burn.

….

As the evening trenched on into the darkened hours of twilight, Nico had started to forget his anxieties. They still weened their ugly head, but even though he might have missed a lot of the nuances of the stories being passed from one person to the next about Will's old life, he still found it serine.

He quite enjoyed the group, most of them reminding him of his old group at home. Of course, though, he was reminded of the fact that they had already started to split up, and come next fall, every single one of them would be in an entirely different place. Hazel and Frank were both headed off, Jason was already in California getting his degree while Piper was only close enough through text. And Will. Come fall, he would be far enough down the coast that he would be just out of reach.

Will hadn't received his acceptance letter yet, but there wasn't a doubt in Nico's mind that he wouldn't get in. He always had the highest grades, the brightest smile, and his parents didn't hurt, too. Over all, come September, Nico was absolutely clueless.

Nico noticed he must have zooned out because Will ended up nudging him, bringing him back to reality.

Looking up to meet Will's gaze was like staring up at the stars. They sparkled and cracked with light in the roaring flames of firelight. Nico passed off a smile, earning a squeeze of Will's hand on his side, pulling him closer, before the blond turned away.

Nico looked down at the drink in his hand, his mind half a second behind the rest of him. Thinking back, he was trying to remember how much he had to drink so far, and he had settled on the drink in his hand being number six – shots included. He wasn't a light weight by any means, unlike Jason who could be taken out with just a few white claws. And yet, not like Frank who could out drink everyone twice over. He explained it as American beer was watered down more, though, Nico never understood why that mattered.

Alcohol never really effected him as much, but it for sure hit the rest of the group a little bit more than they were willing to admit. Loud was one way of describing those from Texas when drunk. Lou and Nyssa were shouting over one another while Leo and Kayla got into a heated debate. Will was shouting something to Jake, and even though Will was the most sober out of the group at that moment, even the alcohol in his system was loosening up his speech.

And the accents.

Nico had forgotten how much different everyone sounded. Will's words rolled off his tongue in such a bittersweet way that it was like molasses with every sound. Whatever he had done to try and remove it was completely erased. Nico knew Will's accent came out when he drank, but it wasn't this strong like it had been in New York. It must have been the other's bouncing their own back at him that he just slipped right back into it.

As incredible it was to hear – and trust him, Nico wanted to listen to it for hours – it made him isolated again. The slang, the sound, everything about all of their speech was just slightly off from the way Nico spoke. He was more aware of the sounds coming out of his own mouth than he did anything else.

The next thing to really hit him – and he could blame the shots on this one – was just how physically out of place he was. Everyone looked like they were ready to survive weeks in the wilderness on their own, with nothing but a match and their own wits. But Nico? He looked like he had just gotten into a car crash on his way to some concert. Ripped jeans was sported by pretty much everyone, but Nico's were black and torn from his own knife. Everyone else's? Worn from wear and hours of work. Even Kayla who sported a band-T looked as if she had stolen it from her dad before throwing on some flannel to keep warm.

Nico was obviously a city kid while Will fit in with the small-town crowd. It was moments like these that made Nico realise just how far away him and Will really were in the world. How they lived, how they grew up, even where they were headed. Under normal circumstances, they never should have even crossed paths. Will, for all accounts, should have just been another TikTok account that crossed Nico's page for a split second before he scrolled away. That's it. But here they were, living in the same world, just sometimes feeling like they were miles apart.

Nico finished off his drink, downing easily over half the can before muttering to Will he was going to grab another drink. Will gave him a quick look before being pulled back to something Jake was saying. Lou offered Nico something from the cooler and he didn't care if it was Luke's shitty beer, he was drinking it.

He thanked her and headed back to his seat next to Will. As alone as he might have felt, Will slipping his arm around him without a second thought warmed him up. Even if things didn't always make sense, Will's warmth would always be a constant he could depend upon.

Will pressed a quick kiss to his temple as he sighed in closer, closing his eyes. Nico had to remind himself that they were safe from prying eyes. The most that would happen would be Lou making fun of Will for being in love. And that was something Nico could deal with.

Things felt tricky, like there was no real escape from them, but Nico knew it would work out, that things would get better. They had to. He had his best friend by his side who loved him, and while he didn't exactly feel like he fit in, everyone around him accepted him. Things might have been tough, and he might have felt trapped in at times, but it would work out. He could feel it.

….

It was pretty obvious by the time the sun had completely petered out from the sky that Will was more than sober enough to drive, despite it still being a while before he even wanted to think about heading home. He smiled as he heard Kayla and Lou's voice raise, words beginning to slur from intoxication. They were in some heavy debate over something important, but the meaning had lost all touch to Will the longer they continued. He was pretty sure they were arguing the same point and neither had noticed it yet.

"Technically it follows the canon time line, but," Lou shouted, waving her hands around to emphasis whatever point she was making, "i's no longer that name. 'Cause when they separated, one took the name and one took the aesthetics. That's why the remakes look like dog shit."

"Yeah, but it's still not a Harvest Moon game!"

"But canonically it is!"

"It's Story of Seasons," Kayla exclaimed, downing her drink.

"Which is Harvest Moon!"

Yeah, Will thought, exact same point. He knew they would figure it out soon, but Cecil was heavy eyed, nodding along like it was a wrestling match. Will wasn't going to ruin his fun.

Will was nursing some can of soda Cecil had offered him, stumbling the entire way over when he waved off another round of shots. He still had to drive and he knew stepping over his personal limit would prevent him from being sober enough to do so.

It was a small town and he knew these roads inside and out, but he would never risk anything with someone in the car, let alone Nico. At first, he had debated to just crash at Cecil's place or get his mother to pick him up, but he knew being hung over wouldn't bode him well on his limited time in town, especially with the week almost at an end. So, sobering up was his plan, even if that meant being the only one there who was.

And speaking of his boyfriend, Will had noticed how tense Nico had been for most of the night. Even though he was a pretty outgoing person among their own group, Will's friends were a whole other thing. He didn't know them that well so there was no surprise he was being hesitant. He still smiled, though, when he saw Cecil, drunk off his ass, try and make small talk.

He was glad Cecil and Nico had gotten along, knowing it would have been real awkward between everyone if he hadn't. Will suspected Lou would have been too much at first, so he was kind of riding everything on it.

"Trust me," Cecil slurred, stopping for a moment for his mind to catch up with his eyes as he turned his head, "these two will go on for hours if ya' let 'em. I think it's funny." His words were spread out and deliberate as if he was thinking each letter through. It was obvious that Cecil was in the "I'm not trying to seem drunk, so I'm going to be hyper aware of how I sound to convince them I'm fine" stage of drunk.

Nico just nodded his head as he gave him a look. It seemed to be enough to please Cecil as he nodded back, his smile as wide as it could be.

"He's so fucked," Nico mumbled to Will, making sure Cecil couldn't hear. Though, he probably wouldn't notice anything going around him by how out of it he was.

"He's always been the light weight of the group."

Nico leaned back against Will. It was a simple gesture that made Will's heart skip a beat. He still got butterflies whenever Nico would meet his eyes. He loved him so much that it was almost painful.

Will felt horrible for how he had been acting this week, and he wanted nothing but for it to fade away. He knew Nico understood, but even still, it was no excuse to put it on him. He was scared, yes – terrified even – but that didn't mean he could be an asshole.

He pulled Nico in closer, wrapping his arms around him as he set his can off to the side as to not spill it. Will just held him, feeling the everlasting heat radiate off of his boyfriend. He could hold him forever and never get sick of him. Even if he couldn't speak what he wanted to, he hoping this was enough to convey how much he loved him.

Will felt Nico melt under his touch. The tension in his shoulders was sliding away with each rise and fall of his chest. All they needed from one another was reassurance. And despite all their worries and woes, it was the one thing Will could give him in abundance.

….

Much of the stress and anxiety from standing just a little too far out from everyone had pretty much melted away with the sixth shot of the night. Nico could feel the alcohol really hitting him and it was nice to not have those worries constantly plague him. He was using Will more as a wall to lean on as he sat, resting his head on his shoulder. He could tell his boyfriend had zero complaints about it, often muttering to him how drunk he was and that he needed to drink water.

He was joining in the conversations and even jumped in on Lou's newest debate.

"No, because a hot dog is a sandwich," was Lou's stance but Kayla had taken the defensive.

"It's not. A hot dog is in a whole other category of its own."

Everyone had taken sides with the conversation, each person deciding if they were team dog or team sandwich.

Jake had shaken his head and cracked open another can with ease, despite his lack of mobility. He had managed to situate his drink between his legs and leverage it that way.

"It's between two sides of bread making it a sandwich. Therefore, it is a sandwich – ah, fuck." Jake seemed very proud of himself on that one, even though he split a bunch of his beer on himself.

Nyssa had taken Katie's side in that is was in a category of its own while Cecil just nodded along with whatever anyone else had said. Leo was keeping track like a sports announcer and Will was just happy to be there. Back and forth the argument went, both sides drawing out the same points. Words were slurred and lots of blank stares as people lost their thoughts midsentence.

"You're wrong," Lou shouted, shoving an accusing finger at Kayla who flipped her off.

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you."

"Oh! And words have been fired from both sides," Leo interjected, his voice in a cheese accent.

Nico raised a finger after regaining himself from a small fit of laughter. Nico wasn't a messy drunk or one that craved attention, but he was one that thought everything was funny. And this debate was enough to fucking send him.

"Okay, okay," he said, earning the eyes of everyone, wondering what side he would take. Like Leo, he had sat off to the side listening, but he thought he had it. "You are both wrong."

"How can we both be wrong?" Lou asked.

"And here's New York, coming in hot with a new take on the development," Leo said, still putting on his best sportsman voice he could muster in his clearly not sober state.

"Yeah," Katie joined, "it's either a sandwich or not."

"No, because you're both wrong. It's not a sandwich because it's one continuous piece of bread."

"Ha!" Katie shouted.

"But it's not a new category," he added to settle her premature celebration on the topic. "It's actually a taco, if you think about it."

That led to silence as a mixture of drunk teens tried to process that piece of information.

"Yeah, but you didn't have to say it like that," Nyssa added as Cecil broke out into laughter, followed not to long behind Leo.

And that struck the topic of hot dogs being tacos to start, each side trying to disprove it, but neither could. Nico just nursed his drink as he smiled and watched.

It was fun and the air was light. Every worry had let loose from everyone's muscles as they started to try and top one another's voices. The fire was roaring to life as Leo stumbled over to feed it some more.

"Valdez, watch it or you'll catch yourself on fire," Nyssa shouted but she was just dismissed by a flimsy wave of his hand.

"Psh, I got this." And he did. Dispute his lack of balance standing up, he did successfully fuel the fire without catching himself or any of his clothing on fire. He did come close and made it back to his seat with a little ash that Nyssa brushed off, but he was fully unharmed.

Will wrapped his arm a little tighter across his back, pulling Nico in closer. The younger man had no objections to his boyfriend's actions, happily falling into his grasp. Even with everyone around them, Nico found the warmth of Will's embrace and sunk into it.

"Drink water," Will spoke to him, his voice low and gentle as he kissed the side of Nico's head. He just wanted to roll his eyes, but he had been doing so. He had a glass set off to the side filled with water he had been slowly working on, knowing he would have a nasty hang over if he didn't.

"Yeah, yeah," Nico muttered into the cup as he took a sip, finishing it off after realising how thirsty he truly was.

"Good boy," Will whispered as he took the now empty glass away and set it beside him.

Nico let out a hum at the back of his throat, closing his eyes and leaning more into Will. He didn't need the thoughts crossing his mind to take him out, especially with other people around. But he was beyond tipsy and a little needy so he settled for Will's strong grasp on him for comfort.

If there was music playing, Nico imagined it would have stopped instantly. As the conversation evolved from the previous topic, nothing sent a shiver running up his spine as fast as hearing a voice he didn't recognise come from off to the side.

"Well, ain't this cute."

Even with blurry eyes, Nico spotted three figures making there way from the shadows into the fire light. The voice that spoke sounded like it was covered in cough syrup. It was thick and a little heavy but it couldn't quite keep words from slurring together. There's a sound that comes from a person's voice when they don't have good dental hygiene, and even in the dark, Nico knew the owner of the voice had several untreated cavities.

When the group came to a silent halt and shifted their attention over to the owner of the voice, the first thing Nico noticed was how stiff everyone went. The second was Will pulling away from him.

The man sported a stained sweater with grease-covered paints that fit way too large on his hips. His hair was thin and scraggly, but blond. Following the lack of colour in his hair, his skin was grossly pale and his eye sockets were far too sunken in. Just the mere sight of him made Nico's entire body seize up. He wanted nothing more than to get out of his sight.

As Nico wondered who the guy was, he spotted Bryce, the man from the day previous. He pieced it together as Lou spoke.

"Octavian."

The man smiled. His teeth were crocked and one even looked chipped from where Nico sat.

It was dark and the fire cracked in restlessness. Only the stars accompanied its light.

"What are you doing here?" Jake asked, holding a steady hand on Nyssa's lap who looked ready to jump him. And it was probably Nico's intoxicated mind that agreed with that thought, but it was when he saw the weapon resting at Octavian's side that he did think twice.

In almost an instant, he went from leaning on his boyfriend, half drunk and having the most fun he's had all week, to feeling stone-cold sober and wanting to disappear.

This was the man that drove Will across the country. This was the guy who threatened Will's life as well as his mother's. This kid is the reason for a week of tension and a lifetime of Will looking behind his back. He had never seen a face so punishable in his life, he realised.

"Stay silent," Will muttered, keeping his eyes trained on Octavian who's attention was elsewhere for only a brief moment. Nico wanted to ask questions, and it might have been the alcohol making him think he could away with it, but he shut his mouth. As much as he hated it, Will was trying to save his ass just as much as his own.

"I thought I would stop by for a visit," he spoke, walking closer into the light, seeing just how hollow he really was. His eyes were wide but not kind. He walked with a swagger that showed he could get away with anything, and the guys beside him followed suit. "Heard our fairy, William, was in town and I wanted to see if the rumours were true. Damn near pissed myself laughin' when I heard."

"Leave," Lou spoke. Nico noticed he wasn't the only one to momentarily sober up at his presence.

"Oh, ain't that just a down bad way to speak to a guest?"

"No one invited you," Kayla spoke up, meeting his eye. Octavian's wild smile faded into a grimace, but his eye's never changing.

"Shut up, bitch. I wasn't talking to you."

It was Lou's turn to hold her down. Her strawberry blond hair was fire, the green being washed out by the harsh light. The embers reflecting in her eyes were nothing short of the rage Nico could tell she was feeling.

"Octavian," Will started, something about his demander completely changing, "can you just leave?"

"Oh, trying to get me to go so soon? And after I came all this way down here to see ya'?"

The question being asked wasn't one he was expecting a response for.

"We don't want any trouble. We're just trying to-"

"No trouble?" he cut off Will. Octavian grinned, but there was nothing positive about the expression. "He say's he wants no trouble, and yet…"

Bryce and the boy beside him laughed. Every time Nico glanced over at Bryce, the man was watching him. It looked like he was doing everything in his power not to speak, so he held his glare.

"If you wanted no trouble, you would have stayed away. But here you are," he said, throwing his hands around like the point he was making was crystal clear. "Bringing your stupid, pathetic, faggy boyfriend with you."

Nico could feel all eyes turn to him. Each stare was burning holes into his skin. He was suddenly freezing.

"Oh, you thought I wouldn't know? Aren't you the one broadcasting your bullshit for everyone to see? It makes me fuckin' sick," he spat, his face dropping once again. He took a step forward and Will and Leo were both to their feat. They didn't take any steps back, but they took ground. Nyssa soon joined them.

"Ya' bring fuck thing here after parading him around for the whole world to see. It's disgusting how ya' just advertise him like that. That shit is unnatural."

It was taking a lot of strength for Nico not to bite back. He had dealt with this enough his entire life and the alcohol in his system was giving him just enough of a boost to actually follow through, but he had to keep himself in check. He needed to constantly remind himself he couldn't actually get involved. Not when Will specifically told him not to.

"You need to go," Jake spoke, his eyes trained on Octavian. "You're not welcomed here."

"Look's like the cocksucker's friend is getting all defensive."

"Octavian, please leave," Will said, his voice steady.

He tilted his head and smiled.

"It's not me who should be leavin'. I want your faggy ass out of town. You never should have come back, and especially not with your faggy boyfriend."

Will straightened his spine and took in a deep breath. Nico could feel his heart pounding in his chest, every single one of his senses being escalated by the alcohol in his system.

"We are leaving," Will said, his voice calm and slow. It was obvious he was settling himself down to below Octavian's level, if only just to get him to leave. "But just for tonight, we ask ya' to please leave."

"Is that so?"

"Yes," Will added quickly. "We're only in for two more days and we won't even be in town for most of that, anyways. You won't see us and we won't see you."

Octavian looked like he was thinking it over. It had been clear he had come to scare Will, but seeing as he was sort of getting his way, he was considering it.

"Ya' never comin' back again?"

"Promise."

There was silence and it appeared Bryce and the other guy were not liking Octavian's wavering on this. As Octavian mulled it over, he scoffed.

"I don't want to see ya' ever again, ya' hear? You get out and leave us alone. If I hear word of even a possibility of you bein' here, I won't be as nice."

"Got it."

"Good." He looked at his friends and motioned with his chin to head out. At first they looked like they wanted to protest, but they quickly followed suit as they grumbled.

Nico could feel his heart picking up again, the initial adrenaline draining out of his system. His shoulders relaxed as he watched them walk away.

"Hope I don't have to see their ugly asses ever again," he muttered, mostly to himself but to clarify exactly what everyone else had said previous. And it appeared to have been the wrong thing to say as Octavian stopped and turned on his heel. There wasn't a spoken word as he pulled out his gun and raised it at Nico.

All air in his lungs left him and what was remaining got caught in his throat. Octavian closed the gap he had made from his previous stance and then some.

"What the fuck did you just say, faggot?" he shouted, the click of the safety coming off.

Nico was paralyzed. He didn't know enough about guns, but he did know enough that the next move Octavian made would not be in his own favour. All blood had left his body at this point and his muscles went stiff.

While Octavian closed most of the gap, he wasn't the only one to move. Leo and Nyssa both moved towards him, both drawing weapons. This only led to a ripple of Bryce and the other guy drawing theirs. It was a standoff and, in the middle, Octavian and Nico.

"What did you fucking say, faggot?!" he screamed again, his face turning red. The manic look in his eyes was now replaced with pure rage, and it was clear that he didn't care with what happened next. The veins in his forehead were popping as he shook. Each word he said, he spat, saliva projecting from his mouth.

"Woah, woah, woah," Will said, not able to fully jump in between, but still catching himself in the action.

Octavian's eyes were glued to Nico's, neither of them threatening to even blink as it might be the thing to set him off.

"He didn't mean it," Will tried to say, but the other blond wasn't listening.

"I'm not talking to you, fag. I'm talking to this piece of shit."

"Octavian," Lou tried to say, but she was met with the gun swung her way for a split second as he yelled, "You shut your filthy whore mouth, you dyke."

This had given Will enough time to pull his own gun, holding it up when Octavian swung back around and aimed at Nico once again.

"You want to say that again?"

"He's sorry."

"I'm not speaking to you!" he snapped, drawing the gun to Will. They stared at one another, both with their pistols drawn on one another. After several painfully long seconds, he brought it back to Nico. "I'm talking to this piece of shit."

Nico had his hands raised, trying to show he was defenseless as he stood up. And he was. At any given moment, Octavian could fire at him and kill him. And from what he had heard, he couldn't drop it as a possibility. He would do it and probably get away with zero consequences.

"How dare you speak to me like that, you disgustin' piece of shit. I hope you burn in hell when I put a bullet through your pathetic skull. It's going to be so nice to finally silence one of you fags up for good. You all deserve to die for how disgusting you are. You thought you could speak to me like that and get away with it? I should kill you right now for what you said."

"Enough, Octavian," Will said, his own gun steady. Nico could feel him just off to the side, but there was nothing standing between him and a loaded gun.

"Shut up, faggot!"

"He's sorry, right?"

Nico nodded. "I'm sorry." As much as he didn't want to give in and apologize, he was sure doing so was the only way he was getting out of this alive.

"You should be – you fucking should be."

"I'm sorry," Nico said again, surprised by how still his own voice was.

"Pathetic. You have no fucking back bone to stand with. You're so weak I should just put you out of your misery. Shoot you like a dog."

"He said he was sorry," Will said. "Look." Will brought his arms down slowly, putting the safely back on that Nico hadn't noticed came off, and put it away. Each movement was slow and deliberate. Bryce had shifted his gun on Will and watched as he put it away. Raising his hands back up, showing them empty, he continued. "We mean no harm. He didn't mean what he said and he's sorry. No one has to get hurt tonight."

"But some people should."

"Perhaps, but right now we can all settle this without violence or getting the cops involved."

It was that sentence that made Octavian stagger. Nico recalled his father being the chief of police in town which is why he was getting away with so much. Getting the police involved would mean his father getting involved. And an investigation. Nico knew that if Will got hurt or worse, thing's might not be so easy for his father to cover up, but Nico…

Octavian shifted his weight from one foot to the next as he thought over what Will had said. There was more silence as he glanced between Will and Nico. Every time his eyes landed on him, Nico felt like he was losing a game of roulette.

"I want ya' both out of town," he finally said, letting out a breath. Will nodded, his hands still up as he took a step to stand half in front of Nico and the still loaded gun.

"Of course. And we're sorry."

Octavian began to nod as he put the safety back on. Nico felt the air trapped in his lungs finally release as his muscles started to turn to jelly. Closing his eyes, he prayed to whatever God would hear him out.

"Good, now," he put the gun in its holster, "ya' better keep that promise or you'll pay."

"Yes, of course."

Octavian nodded. Bryce and the other guy weren't so keen on doing so, though. They wavered before they put their weapons away. Leo and Nyssa lowered theirs but didn't disarm.

"Ya' better keep your words to yourself. I could have ya' dead in seconds if I wanted to, fag."

Nico had a sharp grasp on his own tongue the entire time Octavian and his friends walked away. He couldn't physically move. He knew if he did, his body would give out and he would collapse. It wasn't until their shadows were no longer visible did Nico collapse back in on himself and sit down.

His thoughts were racing. Everything he had ever wished in his life came back to him. He could have died. Octavian could have shot and killed him without a second thought. There wasn't a second that Nico thought he was joking. He had the safety off and was ready to follow through on every promise he was making.

Nico couldn't hear the sounds around him, but his heartbeat alone. He thought of his mom, his dad. For a second, he thought how they would react to the news that he had been shot and killed. How he had died for being gay. Would they mourn? Would they grieve? Would they talk ill on his name? Would they think he deserved it for his lifestyle?

He thought of his sister and how she would cry. She would be sad at first but turn angry. She would want to make things right. He could see her at the trail, cursing and screaming. And if Octavian got off with anything less than twenty years, she would take matters into her own hands.

Next was Hazel and Frank. He thought about how they would react, how they would handle one more empty seat at the lunch table. He knew Hazel would have joined Bianca. How Piper would somehow blame herself for it then blame everyone else. She would scream at Will for not doing enough. She would make it known she was angry. Jason, he would probably be the most upset out of them all. He would think he wasn't doing enough to protect him. He would want justice to be gentle and kind in the worse way possible. He wouldn't cry in public, at his funeral, but in private, where no one else could see.

And Will. How would he react? Would he be angry? Upset? Would he cry or shoot him back? There would have been blood on his hands in more ways than one. Would Will grieve properly or would he simply sit there as everyone else spoke about a version of himself that Will knew to not be true? Would Will understand or would he sit idly off to the side.

Thoughts swarmed his heads in a matter of seconds, knowing he couldn't place any of them without the threat of vomiting. All these were simply hypotheticals now, but moments ago were active possibilities.

Nico needed a moment. His head wasn't there just yet. His mind was trying to catch up to the reality around him where Lou was shouting over top of Nyssa and Leo. They were speaking but Nico couldn't understand them. He didn't know if it was because his head was pounding or English had failed him in this moment, but it was enough to make him confused and in pain.

Through the glimpses in and out of the reality around him and the spot on the log that time seemed to not touch, Nico spotted Will, still unmoved from where he stood. With everyone all around him, he simply watched where Octavian and co had left, his hand hovering over the holster. Whether he was doing it intentionally or not, Nico wondered if given the chance, would he have fired?

...

Will still was in a frenzy as everything was calming down. He felt like he had to watch his back and every snap of a twig was enough to make him reach. He was furious. At Octavian, at Nico, at himself.

Nico.

He hadn't even checked on him in the minutes he swore turned into hours as he watched the shadowed path that led to the front. And he still couldn't bring himself to do so. Why was he so mad when he should be crying in relief that everything turned out fine?

Because in any other situation, it might not have. If he hadn't been there, if his parents weren't well known, if they didn't have several other people as witnesses…

He was upset, furious at Nico for not keeping quiet. All he had to do was keep his mouth shut and none of that would have occurred. He had asked, prayed, that he would listen. Why, unlike every other incident, he had to go and open his mouth and make the worst possible decision?

Will, in that moment, didn't care what happened next. If Octavian had done anything, he would have been just as bad as him. He wanted to hurt him, to see him suffer for all the pain, and if he would have done it…

Will didn't realise how angry he was until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He almost snapped, cursing at whoever was touching him. Just as he was about to bite at the person, he noticed Lou's chilling eyes meet his. She might have been a head shorter, but the grip she held meant she could read him.

She knew his anger; she could understand everything he was thinking. Lou didn't speak a word, she simply stared as the world came crashing back down around him. How long had he been staring? How long had Octavian even been here? It couldn't have been the hours it felt, but then again, he could never tell when he was enraged.

He had never thought himself to be much of an angry person, one controlled solely by emotions, but he didn't know these days. He had a temper, yes. He got that much from his father, but it was starting to scare him.

Resentment was something he was starting to find popping up around him. He would get petty and jealous over nothing, and sometimes it took a little too much to not let it blow up and cause him to lash out at whoever was closest.

Will felt his shoulders relax as he loosened his jaw. Things were happing fast and he needed to properly ground himself. He was fine, Nico was fine, everyone here was fine. He needed to remind himself that. The gentle squeeze from Lou was enough to get him the deep breath he needed.

Scanning, he noticed just how on edge everyone was. Nyssa had already put away her gun and cracked open one of Luke's beers while Kayla was speaking in hushed tones to Jake and Leo. Cecil was on his phone, probably sending some sort of message to Luke. As much as Luke had given them trouble growing up, the only other person he knew that would blow up and meet Octavian's level was him. One text and Luke would be on a man hunt. He wasn't sure they needed it at that exact moment, but it would be nice to have that extra eye out.

It was clear this had taken the mood out of everyone's night. Even if he wasn't exactly where he wished he was in his sobriety, Will was pretty sure he could get them home as long as he stayed cautious. He wasn't one to drink and drive, but all he wanted was to just go home and sleep. And judging by the darting eyes of everyone around them, he wasn't the only ones.

For the first time since Octavian had left, Will looked over at Nico. His eyes were glued to the fire, watching it with a glossed over gaze. Will could tell he had a million thoughts racing through his mind, but he had no clue what they were. Sitting there, he looked smaller than he was. Even at his height, Nico looked like he had folded in on himself.

"I think we should call it a night," Jake said. Will turned to face him just as everyone else. No one argued at the statement. As much as everyone wanted to keep going, after that, no one mentally could handle it. It had sobered everyone up nice and well it seemed. Wasn't enough to drive everyone home, but enough to realise that Octavian had ruined what was the last nice night with his friends he'd probably ever have.

"Yeah, I think that's smart," Nyssa added, taking a sip of the beer, but not seeming too interested in it.

"How is everyone getting home?" Will asked, seeing as he was the most sober and still questionable on his driving abilities.

"I'm crashing," Lou said, pointing at the house and Kayla nodded.

Nyssa thought for a moment, taking a glance at the can in her hand.

"Luke said he can drive you guys home if you needed," Cecil popped up.

"What about the car?" Leo asked.

Cecil shook his head. "Leave it here, you can get it then."

"We'll pick you up," Kayla said. Leo nodded.

"Sure, think ma will want me home, anyways."

The rest of the group made plans, words still a bit slurred, but nothing that would hinder communication. Will could feel Lou staring at him, even if she had backed up to double check plans.

Words rushed over him, washing away the numbing feeling that was buzzing all around him. He felt so far separated from his body and yet it was like he was drowning in himself. He was aware of his hand, but it didn't feel like it was apart of his body. Looking out felt like he was seeing through someone else's eyes.

"Will," Lou's voice cut through, "you good to get home?"

Will nodded, shooting her a reassuring smile. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I stopped drinking awhile ago."

"You sure?" She didn't seem entirely convinced but she wasn't any better than him so she couldn't fight back all that much.

"Yeah."

As he spoke, Nico seemed to register that they were heading out and stood up. He seemed to be on autopilot with his movements, but as long as he could walk to the car, they were fine. He could tell Nico wasn't anywhere near sober, but after that night, he could fake it pretty well.

Will made his rounds, saying goodbye. Everything about the attitude was fake. Cheap smiles and half-assed goodbyes were all he could muster as Nico grabbed the bag he had been carrying earlier when they got here. After he was content for the time being in his farewells, him and Nico headed out front to where he was parked on the side of the road. Lou flashed him a look once more, asking him if he was okay, he assumed, but he dismissed it. He didn't need her worrying about him.

As they walked, Nico was quiet. And Will didn't know why, but it was bothering him. He hadn't spoken to his boyfriend since before the incident, and other than speaking to Octavian, he hadn't said a word. It's like he had shut down - gone mute. What had happened shouldn't of and they needed to discuss it. Will knew this was not the time, but something pushed him to say, "You shouldn't have done that."

Nico stopped where he was walking, mid road, and turned.

"Will."

"I told you to not say anything, and you did."

"Okay and? What do you want me to do about it now?" Nico snapped.

They stood in silence. If it wasn't the middle of the night, Will would have kept an eye out for traffic, but he doubted he would have to worry about it this late.

Will wasn't sure what to say, how to respond.

Nico raised his arms, looking around as Will stood, silent and unmoving. He looked utterly exhausted.

"What, Will? Tell me."

"I'm just saying this entire thing could have been avoided if you would have just listened to me."

"Well, thank you, William. Glad you told me that now. Why didn't you tell me that before I had a gun pointed at me head?" Nico shouted, his voice dripping in sarcasm. It was getting on Will's nerves.

"I did. I told you not to-"

"Well, I'm sorry. You happy now? I'm sorry for speaking because that's all I ever seem to do."

"Do what?"

"Fuck up around you."

"Nico," Will sighed, holding his keys out.

"No, Will. Is this what you want? Me telling you how sorry I am for always fucking everything up? I'm sorry I can't seem to say anything right, how I'm making your life so much worse by being here."

"Nico, just get in the car. We can talk about this when we get home-"

"No, because you wanted to start this here."

"Please."

"You know what," Nico said, kicking the ground, "I can't do this right now." Nico started to walk off.

At first Will just stood there, looking around the street to see if he was serious.

"C'mon, Nico."

As Will stood in the middle of the road, only the stray street light illuminating their way, he watched as Nico headed off down a road he had no idea where it headed. And then he flipped him off.

"Nico."

"Fuck off," he shouted.

Will debated chasing after him so he took a few steps forward.

"Nico, come back."

But he didn't respond. Instead, he kept pushing forward until he turned down the next street.

This was stupid. Nico didn't know where he was and it was late. Why he would do such a stupid, idiotic move was beyond Will. He loved him, but this…

When he realised that Nico was not turning around, Will sighed and got into his car. Starting it, he headed towards the street Nico had turned down. He wasn't going to watch Nico walk all the way back to the farm. On foot.

Will was beyond exhausted and Nico's outburst was just draining him. The last thing he needed was this. All he wanted was to go home and crash. He didn't want to be awake anytime before twelve o'clock.

As he turned down the road, that's when panic started to sink in. Where he thought he would see Nico, walking down the road or over on the side walk, he wasn't there. Will rubbed his eyes and started to search. He couldn't have gone far, he was right there. It had only maybe been a minute since Nico had headed out on his own, there was no way he had vanished.

Will drove a bit further down the road until he hit another intersection. Nico couldn't have made it this far yet.

"Fuck," Will cursed under his breath, feeling like maybe he had still been too tipsy to be driving. He couldn't have just missed him, could he? He pulled a U-turn in the middle of the street and headed back down to where he came. Once more, no Nico.

Quickly, he grabbed his cell and dialed Nico's number.

"C'mon, c'mon," he mumbled as it rang. Once – twice – thrice – silence. Nico had hung up on him. "Fucking shit." He tried to call again and this time it went directly to voicemail. Will wanted to scream, and when he found him, he probably would. But in that moment, panic and fear was winning out over anger. Where was Nico and why would he be dumb enough to go out on his own?

He drove the street a few more times before making turns. This part of town was mostly residential and there were no obvious signs of which street would head back into town.

Upon his fifth drive by, that's when Will wanted to punch himself. Each time passing, the one thing he hadn't noticed was the park that broke away from the side of the road. He recalled it from his time with Cecil, sneaking junk food and anything they could get their hands on to the mostly covered swing set. If Nico had turned in there, no way he could have seen him from the road.

Will quickly parked the car and got out, hoping Nico had just decided to sit on the swings until Will found him. But as he entered, heart racing a mile a minute, there was no one to be seen. Will cursed as he looked around, even calling out Nico's name in a loud whisper. When he was met with silence, he cursed again and headed to the car. Nico must have used it to slip out of view and into another part of town.

Will's head was spinning as he ran back to the car and started to drive off. He needed to find Nico. The last thing he needed was for Nico to be walking around while Octavian was still red-hot from earlier. If he found him first…

No, he couldn't think about that. If he did, he would only worry himself into another panic. It was pointless and he needed to gain control as best as possible.

Will had lost how long he had been driving around when the manic worry kicked in. Every second that passed was an hour sped up for him. He was going insane. Will was passing every situation that could possibly happen in his mind and he needed to stop, but he couldn't. Before he lost all self control, he pulled over and grabbed his cellphone.

"…Hello?" a very tried Naomi picked up. Will wanted to cry when he heard her voice.

"Mom, has Nico called?" he asked, trying to keep it together.

"No, honey, why? Did he say he was?"

"No."

"Will," her voice wavered slightly, the sound of rustling on what he could only assume was bed sheets came from the other line, "is Nico with you?"

Will wasn't sure what to tell her.

No, was the truth, and Yes would be the lie, but the lie wouldn't make sense and the lie was what he needed the answer for. So, Will swallowed the lump forming in his thoart and said, "No, he's not."

There was a moment of silence on her end.

"Why not?"

And Will broke down. He started to cry. Everything that had happened that night was finally coming back and hitting him. All the pain and anger was wearing him down and he had lost all strength to fight. He told her the bare minimum of what happened, not caring anymore. He was scared and lost and his best friend was missing and he was a little tipsy and he wanted his mom.

Naomi hushed him, trying to sooth the son that wasn't with her physically.

"Will – Will, I need you to calm down and stop crying. It's going to be okay. We just need to find him. Have you called him?"

Through sniffles, Will said, "Yeah, I did. Just goes to voicemail. I think he turned off his phone."

"Okay, okay. Do you have any idea where he might go? He doesn't know this place and nothings open, but maybe…"

Will thought for a moment. It was a riddle that he didn't want to solve. All he wanted was to go home and wake up and have this day reset. He couldn't think, how was he supposed to know. Just like his mother said, Nico didn't know this place. It wasn't New York. Nothing about this place was like New York.

As Will was working himself to the bone, cursing and screaming mentally to get himself together, that's when the worst idea he ever had hit him. This place was nothing like New York. It was small, tight knit, everyone knew everyone. The difference between a small town and a city was just that. The only thing that would stay the same, however, was the one place Will had sworn he would never return. In this moment, Nico might have just turned to its familiarity.

"I-" Will tried to say, but his heart was racing and his mouth was dry, "I might know."

"You sure?"

Will nodded even though Naomi couldn't see him. "Yeah. Just – let me check and I'll call you."

"Please be safe and let me know when you find him."

"I will. Love you."

"I love you, too."

Will hung up and threw his phone into the passenger seat. With one calming breath in and out, he headed towards the church, praying that Nico both be and not be there.

Church had always been Will's least favourite place. He had been forced to go when he was younger, the bible verses still hot on his tongue. He remembered preaching words he didn't understand or believe. When his mother had let him no longer have to go, he had truly been free. He hated it with every fiber of his being, and while it might be sanctuary for some, it was never to him.

Parking the car was the strangest feeling. He had personally come back to these grounds. He had memories of Sunday school and church sermons. He could see Bryce's family two rows in front of them, swearing to have lived a holy and devout life, knowing that they spoke only hatred and lies when they left. Coming to this place by someone else's will was one thing, but coming on his own volition, that was something that pained him. He had only done so once before.

Will had been aware of the church always being unlocked. Once, he had slipped into its doors to escape the pained watch of Octavian and what he had done. When the first boy Will ever swore he loved was driven out of his life, he had come here.

Will knew every person who no longer had any connection to religion always had that "last moment," the moment that made them truly give up hope. While he had long ago driven himself away from God, plunging all teachings from his mind, when he had searched out a reason as to while God must have hated him, that was his last day. In these walls held the tears he shed when he thought he had lost everything. And now he looked to these walls to have everything he refused to lose.

It had taken a minute for him to gather up the strength to breach the doors he once loathed. The haunting architecture that had lasted decades without budging stood tall and demanding, peering into his soul as he trenched forward. All the silence of the world around him was cut by the doors begrudgingly swinging open. It was as if the building was telling him to head back, giving him one last chance to turn away. But he would never know unless he pressed on.

When he entered the foyer, it felt like stepping into another world. He was taken back to being six, done up in dress clothes with his curly hair gelled back. His grandma still held his hand as she spoke to the women around them. Being six and being eighteen were two totally different feelings. He no longer felt small. Looking up, he was no longer haunted by the building. The painfully whitewashed paintings of Jesus that hung no longer struck fear. The son of God no longer watched as he headed further in. What once was unbearable only seemed laughable now.

For a second, he prayed Nico wasn't there. He wanted so badly to see the place empty, only illuminated by the small light that was left on for those who seek refuged in the night. He wanted more than anything to turn on his heel and never come back. But at the same time, the wave of relief he felt spotting a familiar jacket and head of hair a few rows in was enough to over power his past grief.

Will wasn't even sure how long he had been looking before he called his mother and came here. He had lost all track of time, but finally the world had slowed down just enough that he could catch up.

Without a word, he slipped into the pew beside Nico.

Nico was leaning forward on the pew in front of him. His eyes were trained forward, heavy lidded in thought. What caught Will's eye the most wasn't the muttered words that barely ghosted his lips or the way he seemed almost fearful yet earnest when he would glance up, but the chain of beads in his hand. As much as Will wished he could forget, he would recognise a rosery anywhere. He had been gifted one by his grandma long ago, but he couldn't tell anyone where it was even if his life depended on it. He wouldn't have been surprised if it was broken.

Will sat, silent as he watched his boyfriend for a moment before turned his attention forward at the podium. He could still recall the sermons that he watched there.

It was funny, he thought. How different yet so similar his and Nico's life were. Both had come from a place of family and God, but while one had managed to escape and distance himself from it, burying all knowledge of the time, it seemed as if Nico still drowned in it. Even if he hadn't gone to church in years, Nico knew almost any passage thrown at him. He would utter words that were not his own as if they were second nature.

Will had emptied out that part of him, only hanging on to the bits that refused to shake. As much as he wished he could fully run, there were parts that made up his being, dropping them would fundamentally change him as a person.

Neither spoke for a bit, just the creaking of the old wood and Nico's breathing filled the air. If it were any more silent, Will swore he would hear the word of God telling him he knew he would be back.

He had ran. Nico had done the one thing he had told himself he wouldn't do and ran. He always did so. He would panic and run from whatever was bothering him that day. He had been so desperate to get away from the way Will was looking at him, the quirk in his eyes that said he had messed up.

He might have made that up, but it still came from the disappointment he knew his boyfriend felt.

And in his darkest moment, a need for some sort of answer, he had come here.

Nico looked up, feeling the cold beads in his hand. He needed answers.

He had sworn he was going to throw them away, but like every time before, he held on to them. Why he had brought them along in the first place was a mystery. But it was a safety net to him. When all else failed him, he knew the cold and judging eyes of God would be there to take him in.

All the religion did was hurt him, all it ever did was tell him he would never be good enough, unlovable, but he still came back. Without fail, he was a kicked puppy who was so desperate for love and the need to fit in, he came back.

And he could hear Will's breathing beside him.

Nico wasn't sure he wanted to acknowledge Will when he came in, to run, curse, scream, so he stayed silent. Maybe, just maybe, if he prayed hard enough, he would leave and Nico wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of his actions.

How had Will found him? That was the part that scared him. Did Will really know him well enough that he knew he would return to the place that had fucked him up so much as a kid for some sort of truth and warmth?

He knew he had to speak. Nico needed to say something, the silence was killing him. The whispered prayers that would escape his sin-filled lips were haunting his ears.

"I swore I would throw them away," Nico finally spoke, not sure if his voice would even carry. Will didn't speak and he didn't even bother to check to see if he was even paying attention. Nico looked down at his hands that were out in front of him, resting on the back of the pew in front of him. The beads were chipped and bothered, but still whole. "Every time I thought I could, I found myself putting them away. I guess I only really have myself to blame for it."

Nico smiled and let out a weak laugh. It was almost funny, really. He never spoke about this sort of things with anyone, even Will. Religion was such a touchy subject for him.

Nico sniffed quickly before looking back up. Hanging above the alter was a stature of Jesus, suspended by wire. It was haunting to see.

"Can–" Nico paused, not sure if the next words out of his mouth would be best. Biting his lip, he pressed on, "Can you pray with me?"

Nico was only met with silence for a long time. He felt his breath get stuck in his throat as he closed his eyes and gripped the beads.

"Hail Mary or…" Will's voice petered. Nico understood what he was asking.

"Doesn't matter right now."

He heard Will shift beside him, leaning forward on the pew before him. They were one move away from falling on their knees. He might be close, but Nico knew if he fell, he didn't know if he had the strength to stand.

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, The power, and the glory, For ever and ever." Will's voiced paused for a moment, stronger than Nico expected it to be. "Amen," he finished. The last word rang through the pews, bouncing off the stained glass that coated them in a haunting glow.

It was without fault, Will's words, each one coming from muscle memory of years of practice. It must have pained him to utter those words as much as it strained Nico's ears. But he knew he wouldn't have been complete in that moment without them. It was a pain that felt so nice to suffer through, like melodic nails on a chalkboard.

"I tried to run from this place for so long. Even the thoughts of being between it's walls strangles me. It's suffocating. But every time I leave, I'm always dragged back." Nico gripped the beads, hating the burning sensation that filled him. "I thought, if I can just leave, get out and never come back. If I didn't have to go to church anymore with my parents, I would be fine. Everything would be just so much better if I never went. And for a while, it worked. I started to find myself. But still, when things get to the point where I don't even know myself, I'm here. I run but every road leads me to these halls.

"I am on the other side of the fucking country and still, the only familiar place is this place. It makes me want to cry." Nico laughed, but it was pained. He could feel himself becoming overwhelmed by the pressure behind his eyes. And still, Will said nothing.

"I know you hate this place," he continued, loosening his grips on the rosery, turning his attention back to the Jesus statute. "I hate it, too. But somehow you found a way to escape and I still always end up here. I can't seem to get away. I'm trapped here and I want to scream. I want to cry. I just want to leave."

He could leave. It was just a building and the doors weren't locked. He could get up, walk to the door, and leave. But still he sat.

"We both started here. We both lived in places and with family who followed the words to heart. I know that even when I'm old and dying, even if I haven't thought about this place in years, even if my mind is gone, when it all comes to an end, I will still have every prayer ingrained into my memory."

Nico looked over, looking at the blond for the first time the entire time he had been there. It was dark and little lighting they had did nothing for either of them. Will looked aged. Looking upon Will in the lightening, in this church, he could see him ten years down the road. It made him want to cry.

With a shaky breath, Nico turned back. He couldn't see him like that anymore.

"You got out. You hated this place and escaped. You burned every bridge that led back here, and I can't seem to leave. Why are you everything I ever wanted to be?" He let those words ring out. He needed Will to hear the simple sentence he had on repeat in his mind. He wanted everything Will ever had, and he hated him for it.

"You came into my life and fit so well. Within a few weeks, it's like you'd always been there. My friends, my family, everything. You had come into my life and nothing was out of place. And yet here I am, in the world you grew up in and all I can do is fit in to the one thing you ran from. I get along fine with your friends, I'm adored by your mother, but at the end of the day, I don't belong here. I will never belong in your life as much as you fit in with mine. And I hate you for that. I wanted so badly to be so perfect in this life you once lived and all I do is remind you of who you used to be. I only fit in to the part of your life that you threw out long ago."

Nico had surprised himself just how long his voice lasted. He hated that he had spoken those thoughts, that Will knew how he felt next to him. Compared to him, Nico felt dull.

Nico knew neither of them knew what time it was, and at this point that was the last thing he cared about. It was early into the morning and for all he cared, him and Will were the only ones awake – alive. He had nothing else to say, so he closed his eyes once again, fiddling with the beads in his hands. Nico knew, deep down, that he would never throw them out. No matter what he told himself, to throw away the rosery would be to throw away a piece of himself.

Nico heard the rise and fall of Will's chest as he assumed he sat back. He never spoke, not a single word was uttered. And Will never spoke again for the rest of the night. All he did was reach up and take Nico's hand in his own. Neither spoke as the sat, hand in hand, under the praying watch of God.

He could feel Will's heartbeat through their connected hands. It was a drum that tapped at his skin, echoing Nico's own. It was a squeeze of his hand that drew Nico's attention to him after minutes of silence. No words, but Nico knew.

They both stood and headed back out to the car.

Only the tires against the road and the sound of air escaping through the cracked window soundtracked the car ride home. The stars flickered above as they moved out and away from the populated area. Nico could have looked at the clock on the dashboard or turned his phone on, but he didn't. He sat there, glaring ahead, his own thoughts screaming away. He had never felt so small in his entire life then he did in the passenger seat of Naomi's car.

…..

When they finally got back to the house, Naomi was still up, the living room illuminated by a single lamp. Nico could feel his head pounding; not enough water – still a little dizzy for earlier. Entering the front door, Naomi was up on her feat, heading towards them. She looked frazzled. Her face had seemingly aged with worry as she embraced Nico in a hug. Her robe draping across her back as it caught up with her.

Nico didn't fight it. He let her touch him, pulling him in fully like a worried mother. That's what she was. She was a mother, worried into a frenzy over Nico's actions. He almost wanted to keep going, keep disappointing her to see what she would do. Or maybe he would cry in her arms. His mind was a mess.

She didn't pull away, she simply soothed him as his muscles ached. The night was catching up to him. He heard Will slip out from beside him, heading up stairs. He didn't speak, but he did feel Naomi's arm reach out to touch him for a brief moment.

All Nico wanted to do was to be wrapped up in Naomi's arms and be held for the foreseeable future. This was all he ever wanted from his life. It pained him. But he still didn't cry.

"I love you," she muttered, rubbing his back. She smoothed out his hair as she took in a deep breath. "I love you dearly."

He still didn't cry.

She pulled away, cupping his face. Time still flowed around him yet seemingly passing just him by. He could have been standing there in her arms for minutes or hours, and both seemed perfectly reasonable.

Her face reminded Nico of how Will looked older in the church. He felt a pull in his gut, but he didn't cry.

"I love you so much, Nico."

He didn't say anything and he didn't move. He stood there as she watched him, her eyes flicking over his face. She was hesitant at first, but she did pull away, wrapping herself up in her robe. It was a few more seconds before he moved, but Nico headed up stairs. He could feel her watching him as he went, each step his legs becoming heavier and heavier.

He hesitated outside of Will's room, feeling like he didn't belong in there after that night. But he pushed the door open. Will wasn't in there but his clothes from that night were. The room smelt faintly of firewood.

Nico discarded the clothes he was wearing for something a bit more favourable. It was too late – too early – and his hands weren't wanting to properly work. As he finished, Will entered. Nico used this time to slip out and brush his teeth. His movements were slow and the lights were too bright, but it was buying him time. In that moment, he still didn't know if he would be welcomed back to the room.

Spitting and finishing, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were sunken in, his hair a mess. He felt gross and wanted nothing more than to sink ten feat under the ocean to wash off and slip away. He couldn't take looking at himself anymore so he flipped the light off and headed back out into the hall.

Standing, Nico looked down. He saw Naomi's bedroom light still on. He could go and get her to hold him again, but he decided against it. Turning to look down the stairs, all lights were off and only the faint glow of the stove light and moon illuminated the wooden floors. He turned to look at Will's door. It was slightly ajar, but he still felt shut out. He walked to it.

Opening, he clenched his jaw. His heart was racing. His hands were stiff.

Will was in bed, only the dim light of his phone shining his face. He was once again eighteen, no longer twenty-eight. Nico still held his breath. He stood, half in the doorway as Will looked up. They met one another's eye. Will turned his phone off and shoved it onto his desk. Nico was ready for Will to turn over and ignore him, but he moved the blankets aside and motioned for Nico to join him. He let out the breath he was holding.

Nico headed over and crawled in. As he let his weight be carried by the bed, he noticed just how tired he really was. His mind was circling, but his body was now at ease. Will was quick to pull Nico in, wrapping him up in his arms. Nico was more than happy to collapse into the arms of the blond, feeling his grasp hold him tightly.

It only took seconds for Nico's body to give out and fall to rest. His head, though, did not. He heard a monologue of all the things he had ever been worried about blast from every corner. He couldn't run, so he let it play.

As he laid there, wrapped up in Will's arms, he wanted to break.

So, he did, his voice little more than a strangled whisper.

"I don't think I've ever really liked myself," he started, unsure of where any of this was going. If he was telling Will everything, it might as well be everything. "I know it's not really something I should care about but sometimes I wish I could be someone else.

"For the longest time, I swore I wanted to be just like you. I think I still do, a little. I've always wanted to be seen as you see yourself, to have your family. But," Nico paused, knowing that there was no going back. He tightened his grip on Will, "I know I'll never have what you do. I used to think if I could like girls, then maybe things would be okay. My mother wouldn't think less of me, my father might actually like me more, I wouldn't be… wrong.

"I used to pray when I was younger for God to make me normal. I don't even know what That means even now. I thought, if I tried hard enough, I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't have these thoughts and insecurities and that my faith was just lacking. I used to cry myself to sleeping, thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I was normal, my life would get better." Nico swallowed. He couldn't stop it. He had opened the dam that had kept these feelings locked away and now he couldn't close it.

"And the worst part is I still think that. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I still want to be normal. I want all of this to end. I still want to fit in. It's this painful reminder that no matter what I do, I will never be enough. If I could, I would give up anything just to fit in.

"I love you – God, I fucking love you, but a part of me wished I had never met you. A part of me that I hate more than anything curses the fact that you came into my life. It's the same part that wishes you had never liked me or that I never fell in love with you. It's so loud when all I want is for it to go away. And I don't want to change anything, having you in my life is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Even just having you as my best friend was more than enough, as long as I kept you in my life. But, if given the chance, if God gave me one wish, a part of me knows that even though I love you, I would give anything to be straight."

Nico felt a single tear roll down his cheek. He held Will, his grip unmoving as if releasing him would mean he would no longer be in existence.

"I would give anything to no longer be gay, but I know that that isn't possible. I know that I can't change this. And even though I know I have literally the greatest possible outcome, I would give it all up. And I know that's ridiculous to think. I know it's so stupid to think that I would ever be able to change, that I would risk all of this, but I would. I would give all this up just to fit in, for the possibility of living a normal life.

"I used to pray to God to fix me, even though there's nothing to fix. I know that – God, I fucking know that. I'm not stupid. I just don't want to be gay. I never wanted this. I hate it. But I don't want to lose you. I never want to lose you. But to have you is to be gay, but I don't want to be gay. I don't want to leave you; I just don't want to be gay. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I can't just be happy for once. I hate that I want to lose everything just to fit in, but I know it wouldn't really…"

He hurt. Everything about him hurt. His head, his body, his heart. If Nico could burry himself then and there, he would have. Dying would have been easy than telling Will every thought that had ever plagued him. But he needed to be honest. He couldn't keep this in anymore. Will deserved to know that he was willing to throw everything away if it meant the promise of normality. But he also loved him more than anything in the world. No one was more confused by this than Nico was.

He felt himself cry, but he didn't register it. Nico clung to Will, waiting for the moment Will rejected him. He should. He should hate him just like he hated himself. It was only a matter of time before Will saw him for who he really was and moved on. He deserved better. He deserved so much better than how awful Nico treated him. And he would understand. And he would hurt. And he would cry. And he would understand.

And it was the hardest thing in the world for Nico to admit.

But Will didn't push him away. He pulled him closer. They were a lifeline for one another, desperate to hold on while the boat went under. And Will didn't speak. He pressed his lips to the top of Nico's head.

And finally, Nico fully cried.

He had no clue how he was still going. His body should have given out, shut down, long ago. He was crying because he was in pain. He was crying because he was hurt. He was crying because he could have died. He was crying because he was loved. He was crying because he was wanted. He was crying because everything in life was falling apart.

And he cried. In Will's arm, he let everything go. He no longer held himself up, no longer pushed aside everything. He was tired, he was so ungodly tired. So, he cried, in Will's arms, hand's gripping for dear life, until his body and mind gave out. He cried until everything came to a static. He cried until he finally fell asleep.


A/N: I- am so upset that i completely forgot that i had used Austin in Sour. I had this whole thing planned out and then about three ish weeks ago, my friend pointed out Austin in Sour and i had to SCRAMBLE to rewrite his part in my planning. so Austin should have been with Will and Kayla, but my dumb ass used him in Sour as a minor character. Anyways, i don't think my Austin rant should really be the first part of my A/Ns, especially after this chapter :D

On a happier note, i just sat down for over an hour planning out Sweet (third part in this series) and im not even done the rough draft, so needless to say, it will be the longest part in this series. I have so much planned content wise so keep your eyes open. i will most likely be taking a two week break between Bitter and Sweet just because theres a lot of planning for the chapters and how their structured and that will take several evenings to get done.

I hope you aren't angry at me :D this entire fic was built around this chapter. The way i poured so much of my catholic knowledge for this even surprised me. I only googled proper spelling for things, but other than that, all by memory. i hope other people with catholic trauma/guilt enjoyed this one.

I will be coming up with a music recommendation list for each fic in this series come Sweet so if youre wanting to do a reread, i will have a list of songs for each series that i listened to while writing. some are a bit more obvious than others, but it really sets the tone for it!

anyways, i could say a billion other things about this chapter, but for now ill leave the words to yall. let me know ur thoughts!

kitty