11. Decisions
Darry looked like he was in shock, and I didn't blame him. He'd thought his little brother was dead. Glory he loved his brother so much. I knew Pony had thought he'd hated him, but Darry loved him more than anything, and after their parents had died, I don't think Darry could have taken losing his baby brother. Soda had his head in his hands...looked like he'd given up yelling at Dal. He was just mad, but I knew he appreciated what Dal had done.
I was kinda mad too. Dally hadn't told me that Pony was okay...that he'd gone to see my best friend while he'd been in that awful place where they'd hurt him, and he'd known that Pony was alive even after that cop had come. He'd known everything but he hadn't told me that my friend was alive. I'd thought my best friend was dead! I mean, I hadn't wanted to say anything, especially not to Darry or to Sodapop...the gang all needed to believe he was okay somewhere. But I'd given up. I'd given up on Ponyboy. My best friend. The closest thing I had to a brother. I'd given up and I'd thought he was dead and now...he was alone.
This was all my fault. While the others were busy plotting and looking at the pictures Ponyboy had drawn for his brothers, I couldn't help the thought. I was useless here. Ponyboy was out by himself somewhere...and for months he'd lived in some hellhole like my own house only worse and I hadn't even been there to talk to him. He always listened to me when I talked about my parents. I hadn't even asked Dally to help me find him. What kind of friend was I? I'd thought about him every day...all the time. My best friend. Practically my brother. He'd been so scared that night...heck, so had I. Now, he was gone, completely alone, and there was nothing I could do.
Pony couldn't be alone...not like this. He was only fourteen...no...fifteen now. Still. No way he could take care of himself. I mean, Pony's smart. He's been alone for a long time...since they took him, apparently. First in the boys' home, and then at the foster home, and now wherever Dally had sent him. But it wasn't right. Pony shouldn't have to be alone. He'd been alone for too long, and now he needed someone with him.
I knew I wasn't the best at fighting. I was small for my age, and people always thought me and Pony were the same age. I was a little taller, now that I was seventeen, but I'd probably always been short. That was fine with me. I was an alright fighter for my size, and besides, fighting wasn't what I wanted to spend my whole life doing. Not that I knew what I wanted to spend it on...it wasn't fighting, anyway. Pony was the smart one of the gang, but I wasn't stupid or nothing. Pony was the better reader and he could study real good, but I got okay grades too. I'd probably never go to college, but I knew about cars and maybe I could get Steve and Soda to show me more. I wasn't strong enough to be in construction like Darry, or comfortable enough around horses to race like Dal. It was one of those conversations I'd always meant to have with Ponyboy. He always got things like that.
I owed Ponyboy a lot, and I guess he would say the same about me. We looked out for each other. Even though he was two years younger, he was my best friend. Had been since we were little kids. He knew my parents were bad but never bugged me about it, and he was always there to listen if I needed to talk. He could listen like no one else...just sit and take it in. Dally always had to be doing something to fix stuff if something was wrong, but Pony thought about stuff.
That night...when I'd stabbed Bob, I'd wanted to go to Dally. Dally would fix it...if I had to pick a hero, I guess Dally was the closest thing I had. But Pony had shaken his head, watching Bob's friends drag him away. We'd been lucky they'd been anxious to get him to a hospital and had lost interest in us.
"Darry. He'll know what to do."
Darry hit you, I'd wanted to say. You ran off because you got in a fight and your big brother hit you. But no matter how they fought, I'd known, and I knew Pony did too, that Darry would always have his back. Darry and Soda loved him a lot, and they'd happily fight anyone that messed with their brother. It made me wish I had siblings, but I knew the gang was the same with me.
So now, after everything that Ponyboy and I had done for each other...after all the fights with socs and tagging along with Dally and movies and poker games, I knew I had to do something.
It had been awful to watch them take my best friend. All three brothers had taken it real hard, especially Darry. It was worse, somehow, to see him broken up about Ponyboy. I knew Soda loved Pony. He wore it on his sleeve. Those two had never been anything but close. But Darry was always quieter about things like that. He watched out for Ponyboy but it was like they were always fighting. Not that day, though. That day, he'd been crying too, holding Pony so tight that I hadn't known if he was gonna let him go. I wouldn't have blamed him if he hadn't. It wasn't right. Pony hadn't done anything! There weren't even any charges! Self-defense, they'd said. Those socs had attacked us and we'd protected ourselves. The only thing Ponyboy had that night done was almost drown, anyway. I'd been the one to stab Bob! Why did they have to go after Pony?
Now, after finding out what that man had done to my best friend, I had to find him. It wasn't like I was wanted at home. I remembered Two-Bit hitting Pony after my friend had said the same thing. It wasn't like he was wrong, but it had hurt to hear it coming from him of all people. Of course, he'd apologized immediately, and I'd known he hadn't meant. I'd figured he liked that Cherry girl and was just embarrassed to have Two-Bit and me get on him in front of her. I didn't blame him one bit. Regardless, my parents wouldn't care if I disappeared, and the gang would be alright without me. The only problem would be finding out where Pony was. I figured I would just have to wait for him to call and ask him...or I could get Dally to tell me. But I knew neither would want to tell me. Dally was obviously keeping it a secret for a reason, and Pony had probably agreed not to tell anyone.
I had to figure out a way to get one of them to tell me...or find out another way to figure out where Pony was hiding. Not that I had any idea how to do that. But I had to find him...soon. I needed to see my best friend again. And I couldn't help the twinge of anger when I thought about Dally. He'd found Ponyboy! He had seen him months ago! And he hadn't told me. I mean, it wasn't like I couldn't keep a secret. His brothers would have flown off the handle, and even Steve and Two-Bit would have probably done something crazy, but me...I just wanted to see Ponyboy. I wanted my best friend back. I couldn't imagine not having him around...this last several months had been the worst. I'd had no one to talk to...no one to hang out with. Sure, the rest of the gang was still around, but Ponyboy was the one I could talk to!
"Johnnycake?"
I jumped, realizing everyone was looking at me. I looked around the living room, trying to figure out who had called my name.
"Huh?"
"You alright, Johnny?" Sodapop asked, distracted from worrying about his brother by his worry for me. It was good of him. I knew he was scared to death about his brother, so it was nice of him to bother caring about me right now. He was holding that card in his hand, careful, so he wouldn't crumble it. It was real good...Ponyboy was the best artist I knew.
"Yeah...sorry. I was...uh...just thinking."
Soda softened then, sitting down beside me, his shoulder against mine.
"Hey, we're gonna get him back," he told me quietly, his eyes fiercely determined. "Don't worry."
I nodded, grinning a little, trying not to give myself away. They couldn't know what I was planning. They'd try to stop me. Soda put a hand on my shoulder. I'd always wished he was my big brother...my real big brother, and that I was a real part of this family. But since that couldn't happen, I was happy to have him as a surrogate brother. The gang had all but adopted me from day 1, and I appreciated every one of them...but it had started with the Curtis brothers.
I looked at the folded piece of paper in his hands. The card Ponyboy had sent him. It was the best drawing I'd ever seen Pony do, and I'd seen a lot of his drawings. Sometimes I would watch while he drew out in the lot or in his bedroom. He'd even drawn me once, after I'd asked him. He'd let me keep it too. He was getting better. I wondered if he'd ever thought about doing it for money.
"I'm gonna try and get ahold of our old social worker tomorrow...I'll call off work," Darry announced. "I'm gonna go down there...heck, I'll go to her house if I have to."
"And the police?" Soda asked, his hand still on my shoulder.
"Let me talk to the social worker first."
Soda nodded, squeezing my shoulder and then dropping it, leaning back against the couch.
"I'd better get home," I announced suddenly, jumping to my feet, arms crossed. All eyes were on me, all concerned and confused. It wasn't really like me to want to go home, and usually I didn't go there until it got dark and I had to, especially lately. Dally narrowed his eyes, cocking his head, and Darry looked like he wanted to say something. Those two had always looked out for me...more than anyone, even if Darry did sort of scare me sometimes. A tense, strange silence filled the room, and I swallowed. "Um...I ain't been home in a couple of days. I'd better, uh...go. Before they...before my parents um…" Worry wasn't the right word. My parents didn't care if I was okay. But they did expect me to show up every once in a while. I shrugged, letting the sentence trail off. "I'll see you guys tomorrow," I mumbled, hurrying out of the room.
"Johnny?" Darry called, and I froze in the doorway, not turning around. He came up behind me, his hand on my shoulder where Soda's had been. "Hey, Johnnycakes, you alright?" he asked.
I couldn't really answer that. I wasn't alright, not at all. I needed to find my best friend. I made myself talk to him anyway, careful of what I said."Yeah. I just gotta get home," I told him. Nothing new in that. My parents really did get mad if I didn't show up, and that made it worse when I did come around.
"You can stay here if you want, you know that right?"
I glanced up at him. I knew he'd hit Ponyboy. I knew they'd had their issues, and that they fought all the time...but now all he wanted was his brother back. He wanted to fix it. And he would do better. They both would. But right now, Darry had to take care of things here, and Ponyboy was off alone somewhere. With Dally's friend. We all knew what kind of 'friends' Dally had. He needed me.
He'd been there for me so many times before...
I forced myself to smile.
"Yeah, I know. Thanks. I'd better go, though. They get mad if I don't show up for a while."
He nodded, jaw tight. We all knew what happened when my parents got mad. More than once I'd showed up at his place in the middle of the night after my parents got mad. When his parents were still alive, they'd welcomed me into their house every time, his mom with coffee or hot chocolate and a first aid kid, their dad with an arm around my shoulder, telling me I was always welcome to spend the night.
After their folks had died, I'd been afraid to come over like that, showing up in the middle of the night with a black eye or busted lip. But after a pretty bad night, I'd done it anyway, and Darry had opened the door, eyes widening as he'd taken in my bloody mouth. Immediately he'd reached out, pulling me inside. "You need a doctor?" he'd asked, rubbing my back and leading me to the kitchen.
"No," I'd mumbled, more ashamed than anything. He'd ruffled my hair, coming back with the first aid kid, then putting a bandaid on a cut on my cheek.
"Sleep here, okay kiddo?" And that had been it. In the morning, no one had seemed surprised to see me on their couch, and over the last few months, I'd spent more time at the Curtis house than ever, missing my best friend every day. Pony had never asked if things were okay at home...he just sat beside me on the sofa in the mornings when he'd find me...before they took him. He'd be the first one up, sometimes, or come in when Darry was cooking breakfast, and he'd just sit beside me, his shoulder touching mine. He'd grin a little bit, his eyes saying everything, and sometimes I'd explain. Usually I wouldn't. He didn't mind, either way. It's why he was my best friend.
Now his brother watched me carefully, then nodded, dropping the hand. "Alright, kiddo. See you around. If you change your mind, you can come over anytime."
"Thanks, Darry." He turned to go, but before he could get back to the living room, I blurted out the words I'd wanted to say for months. "I'm sorry." I closed my eyes, clenching my jaw, wishing I could shove those words back in my mouth. I could feel the weight of his stare, and I made myself meet his eyes.
"What for?" he asked, looking honestly confused.
"Ponyboy...it was my fault, Darry." He started shaking his head immediately, but I hurried on., backing off when he would have put his hand on my arm. I had to find Ponyboy, and I might not see Darry again for a while...he deserved an apology for this. "No...it was. I should have just brought him home. Or stayed in the lot with him. Or...or we should have run. Something...I'm sorry. I just...I need you to know that."
Without waiting for a reply, I hurried off, hands shoved in my pockets as I headed to Buck's. I figured I could beat Dally there, if he was even going back there that night, and once I got there, I would just have to hope he'd left some kind of clue as to where Ponyboy was.
The plan sounded stupid even in my mind, but it was the only one I had.
I didn't even make it halfway there. The footsteps behind me made me falter, and I glanced back, not really surprised to see Dally coming after me. "This ain't the way to your house," he observed, crossing his arms and lifting an eyebrow. "Hell, your house is about a mile that way." He tilted his head backwards. I didn't bother answering him. He probably had it figured out already. "You can't do this, Johnny."
"You gonna stop me?" I asked, shoving my hands in my packets and lifting an eyebrow. He smirked. If anyone else had tried that with him, he'd have knocked their teeth out, but I knew he wouldn't hit me...even though I was pushing it a bit. He came closer, towering over me, arms crossed.
"You can't do anything," he told me simply, the smile dropping a little.
"He's my best friend."
"C'mon, Johnny. He's fine."
"No, he's not. He's alone, wherever the hell you sent him. He's only fourteen, Dal!"
"Fifteen," he reminded me, and I rolled my eyes.
"Dally…" I sighed, staring down at my feet for a second, then met his eyes, begging him for the first time in my life. "Please, Dally. Please. He's my best friend, and he's been alone for a long time." Dally ran a tired hand down his face, sighing deeply. "He's always been there, you know?" I mumbled, crossing my arms defensively. "When my old man...when I ended up at the Curtis's. Pony was always there. And...he always listened." I tightened my arms, staring down at my feet. Across from me, Dal swore tiredly. "You know my parents won't care." That was the final blow.
He nodded, jerking his chin back toward my house. "Go home. Pack some clothes...I gave Ponyboy all the spare ones I had. Meet me outside Buck's in an hour. I mean it kid...don't give me a chance to change my mind. If you can find any money, bring it. Steal it if you have to. God knows I don't have any left."
"Thank you, Dal."
"Just go. Glory, you kids are killing me," he grumbled, and I knocked my shoulder against his with a grin when I passed him, hurrying to my house.
The house was silent. I figured my old man was at work, but my mom was probably somewhere around so I'd have to be careful depending on what kind of mood she was in. Pushing the front door open as quietly as I could, I glanced around the dirty living room, wishing again that I lived at the Curtis's house instead. There were cobwebs on the ceiling and in the corners, empty beer bottles on the coffee table. Our sofa was ratty and the TV had been busted for weeks, not that either of my parents would ever fix it. The shades were all drawn, and I heard someone snoring.
My room was across the hall from my parents, so I slipped inside, grabbing a backpack I rarely used from under my bed and grabbing whatever clothes I found first. I hadn't done laundry in about two weeks, and my mom rarely did mine. I found some clean jeans and a few t-shirts though. Socks and underwear were buried in my drawers and I dug them out, filling the bag. I knew I needed money, too, but I sure didn't have any hidden away anywhere. My parents barely remembered to give me money for lunch, and I sure didn't get no allowance. I didn't have a job, except for mowing lawns with Pony sometimes in the summer, so it wasn't like I had a savings account or anything. Hell, Dally or Two-Bit paid for me most times when we went out to eat or to the movies. Pony too, if he had some spare change Darry or Soda had given him.
Pulling the backpack over my shoulders, I stepped out into the hallway and froze. Someone in the bedroom was snoring.
I pushed the door open just a crack and peeked in. My dad was asleep on the bed, his arm hanging off the side, three empty beer bottles sitting on the table beside him with two more knocked over on their sides on the floor. I wondered if he was off or if he'd lost his job again. If he'd lost his job, it was a good thing that I was getting out of town for a while. He liked to take it out on me like it was my fault he couldn't quit drinking long enough to work for a few hours. I wondered if my mom was at work, then, but whatever concern I had for them was cut off when I saw the wallet on the bedside table.
For a second, I was paralyzed. I'd never taken so much as a quarter from my mom's purse. I couldn't imagine how they'd react if they caught me stealing...but then I remembered the last time my old man had given me a black eye. I thought of Ponyboy off alone somewhere, not knowing what to do and scared of being by himself...missing his family and the gang and maybe me too.
I thought about what that man had done to him and how scared he must have been, running off like that by himself. I had to have money if I was going to get to my friend. My dad probably had some money in that wallet. Making my decision, I stepped into the room, walking real quiet even though he was passed out drunk. I grabbed the wallet, surprised to find thirty dollars in fives inside. My dad almost never had that much money on him...what if it was for bills or something?
I thought about Pony again. It wasn't my fault my dad couldn't keep a job. He'd just have to find another one. Maybe my mom's sister would help them out or something. Either way, I needed that money. For a second as I started to leave the house for the last time, I wondered if they'd miss me. My heart dropped a little when I realized I was being stupid. They'd never miss me. But Pony probably did.
Shutting the screen door as quiet as I could, I took off toward Buck's.
