17. Killing Time

Pony was even worse than I'd first thought. He was like me...like how I was after I got beat up by those socs. Or any time my old man would hit me too much. He made himself small, shrinking away from people any time they'd get close. Even me. He'd offered to let me take the couch. He'd given me most of the food, even when he had to be hungry. I mean, he'd never been selfish or nothing before, but now he was beaten down and scared. Heck, it wasn't until we'd gotten to that grocery store that he'd really seemed like his old self, and that had been when that girl had talked to him, apparently recognizing him. She'd been real nice, convincing her dad to hire us, and whatever kind of job it was, it would at least pay for food.

Dally had asked me if Pony was okay. I didn't think he was. Not at all. I didn't know exactly what Pony had been through, but he was scared to death of his own shadow now. He cringed away from people and he wouldn't look me in the eye and he wasn't the same guy I knew before.

He was older...but not in a good way.

Back in the apartment, we sat on the sofa, him staring at the wall, apparently lost in his own mind. He'd always been kind of like that, and it had always driven Darry crazy because he'd worried so much about him getting jumped or something. The rest of us had gotten pretty used to it…like one time Two-Bit was telling us a story about Kathy's brother and stopped right in the middle, laughing a little and shaking his head at Ponyboy because he was staring off into nothing, not paying attention anymore. He'd made a joke about it too, but not when Darry was in the room because we all knew how much it bugged him that Pony did that.

It was even worse now though…not in a normal way. He'd stare off into space now, looking scared. Or worse, cold, like Tim. Blank faced. He still wore a long sleeved shirt, arms crossed across his chest he leaned back against the sofa. He was too skinny too...it was hard to tell with the long sleeve shirts he was wearing, but his jeans were practically hanging off of him, his face thinner and haggard. He kind of reminded me of Dally, sitting like that, after he would get out of jail or something. Cold and far away.

The scar was the worst. I did my best never to look at it for too long, but it was worse than mine. It went from his temple down to his chin, the cut scabbed over and the skin red. He was lucky it had missed his eye. I'd started shaving a few months ago, when Dally had ribbed me about growing a beard, but Pony was still smooth-faced. Despite that, the scar made him look tough, as long as you didn't look into his eyes. Beside me on the sofa, he was staring listlessly down at his hands. I reached out and touched his back, looking at him closely. I wanted to get a look at his arms...it was kind of a morbid curiosity that led me to wonder what they looked like. My old man had never done anything like that to me. Even he had limits, apparently.

"We got a job," I reminded him quietly, and he grinned a little, coming back from wherever he'd been.

"Yeah."

"We start Monday." He smiled a little bigger, nodding. I pat his back, pulling myself to my feet. "I'm gonna make chicken to celebrate," I told him. He started to stand, but I pushed him back. "You don't look so good, Pone. Rest for a bit."

He didn't argue, which worried me even more. Still, I left him in the living room, grabbing the pack of chicken out of the freezer. I figured we might as well make all of it, and if James wanted some, well, it wouldn't hurt to endear ourselves to him a little since we'd kind of taken over his living room.

I preheated the oven, glad I'd watched Darry cook it so many times. It was a good thing their parents had taught them to cook, and in turn, they'd shown the rest of us a few things. I could have gone for one of Sodapop's icebox cakes...or some colorful food. It always made Pony laugh when Soda would slip food coloring into whatever they were making. Darry would roll his eyes, but he'd always laugh a little too, and the rest of us would just eat it, knowing that the color didn't change the fact that we could always count on free food at the Curtis's house.

I glanced into the living room after I'd finished prepping, and all there was left to do was wait for the oven to heat up. Ponyboy was still on the couch, and on his lap was a big notebook like the ones he used to draw in, the light next to him on the table switched on and lighting up the paper. Joining him once more on the sofa and shoving my hands in my pockets, I grinned a little. "Whatcha drawing?" I asked, leaning back and peeking at the notebook. He never minded me seeing what he drew, even though it was a different story with Two-Bit, who'd pretend he was drawing naked girls or something and tease him.

On the paper was a picture of a girl...a pretty good one. She was leaning on a porch rail, a cigarette between two fingers, her lips turned up just a bit in a smirk. "She's pretty." I told him without thinking, then felt my heart drop at the look on his face. His eyes were wet, his jaw clenched, and he nodded, looking away from the paper. "Is it her? Lianne?"

He nodded again.

Lifting an arm, I put it around his shoulders, squeezing, and his head dropped back against the wall, his breath escaping in a shaky sigh. "What's going on back home?" he asked suddenly, wiping at his eyes and shutting the notebook, the pretty dead girl disappearing under the thick cover. "How's everybody?"

I forced myself to move past the girl on the paper. Whenever he was ready to talk more about that, he would, but he had been away from home for almost a year, so I did my best to fill him in. "Uh...Darry's been working more. He's always on the phone with the State, but he ain't really getting anywhere with 'em. He was saving up to hire a lawyer for when y'all had your court case. And Sodapop's...well, he's pretty upset. Won't do much. Just goes to work and comes home...cleans the house in case a social worker comes by. That new lady hasn't been by since they took you."

Ponyboy stared down at his lap, looking guilty, but I didn't want him to feel bad about it. It wasn't like he'd done anything wrong.

"He misses you a lot, that's all. Him and Steve hang out at your place. Dal's...well, he's the same as always. You saw him. But uh...he's been off by himself more. I think he misses you too." It was true…Dally almost never went to the Curtis house anymore. We still went places together, or out with the rest of the guys, but he'd been quieter than normal. Getting into fights and stuff.

"What about Two-Bit?"

I hesitated but figured he might as well know. "He's been drinking a lot. Laying around...he flunked again. He'll have to do the whole year over. He could have done summer school but he wouldn't do it."

"Yeah?"

I changed the subject a little, not wanting him to feel guilty about that either. I knew it wasn't his fault how Two-Bit chose to react to him disappearing, but there was no way to tell Pony that. Besides, I didn't know much about what he'd been up to this last year. "What was your new school like? Any socs bug ya?"

He seemed to collect himself, clearing his throat. "Uh...not really. The boys home had the school on site so, uh...it was fine. Quiet. No socs, really. A couple, but no one bothered them and they didn't bother us. They didn't want to be there any more than the rest of us. And then, at the foster place...the teachers were fine. No socs or anything...no greasers either. Just...people." He paused, and I almost said that sounded nice. Of course, it obviously hadn't been, but I figured it had to be better, being in a place with no socs to call you a greaser or jump you. "Guess we won't be going back to school in August…"

I grinned. "Yeah, I don't think our aliases are gonna hold up in school."

"Really? Mike and Pat, no last name? I think they're great." I snorted at the half-hearted joke. "What about you? Were socs bugging you or anything? Cause of Bob?"

I knew he just didn't want to talk about himself, but I went along with it. "Nah. Bob's back in school, but the greasers in town were all pretty upset cause of what happened. Then they took you and it got worse. There was a rumble and we beat em, so they've backed off some. Steve and Two-Bit keep an eye out at school, but nothing's really happened. Did you finish the year?"

"No." He sighed a little, rubbing at his eyes again. "I missed the last two weeks…we were taking our finals. You?"

"Yeah. One more year and I'll be done."

"Guess I skipped a grade for nothing."

"Maybe when this is all over you can take your finals or something…"

He shrugged, running his hand through his hair and looking awful…uninterested and far away. Shut off, like he'd closed himself in somewhere. I wanted to ask if he was sick but I doubted he'd tell the truth. I went with the vague 'You feeling okay?' instead.

"Yeah. Just tired."

"Didn't you sleep last night?" The couch was fine, but not that great for sleeping. Plus the city was noisy at night. Then again, maybe he had nightmares, not that he'd woken me.

"Some." He shrugged again. Before I could say anything else, the front door was thrown open. Pony went real stiff, his whole body tensing, but he relaxed when James stepped into the room, looking between us with his eyebrows raised.

"Hey kids," he greeted, nodding as he shut the door behind him.

"Hey." Pony pushed his hair back and sat up a little. "We're making chicken if you want some."

James nodded again, glancing at me and back at Ponyboy, then strolled past us. "Call me when it's done." He yelled over his shoulder, shutting his bedroom door, and not for the first time I wondered why he didn't want us in there. Maybe it was a privacy thing. I mean, Darry never said it outright, but no one ever really went in his room. Maybe it was like that. Or maybe he had something in there he didn't want us to see…like drugs or something. It didn't matter, I guessed, so long as he let us stay.

James ate with us, all three of us crowded in the living room with him on the floor and Pony and me on the couch. Dinner was pretty quiet, and right after he was finished eating, James took off, leaving the two of us alone. "Wonder where he's off to." I asked as the door slammed behind him.

"No idea." Pony grinned. "I figured I'd better not ask."

"Probably a good idea. Whatever it is, we'd probably be better off staying out of it. We're in enough trouble." For a while, we were quiet, just sitting in the living room, until Pony grabbed our dishes and took them to the kitchen. "Wonder why he doesn't have a TV or anything?"

"Maybe he can't afford it," Pony suggested, scrubbing James's plate.

"Yeah, maybe. No TV, no radio. What does he do all day?"

"Thought we decided we shouldn't ask."

I snorted, glad he was feeling well enough to kid around. I was curious, though, about our roommate. Or rather, the guy that paid for the place where we were living. If he was doing something illegal, would we get in trouble too? We'd just have to hope he didn't get caught.

On Saturday, we headed to the library after sleeping in. Pony slept longer than me, but I didn't care. He wasn't looking too good, so I left him alone until almost noon when I finally shook him awake. "Pony, you sure you're alright?" I asked, a hand on his shoulder. He blinked at me, bleary as he rubbed his eyes, and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just couldn't get to sleep last night."

I left it alone, helping him sit up, and we both got dressed and headed toward the library. We didn't exactly have anywhere else to go on a Saturday, but since we couldn't take the books home, Pony suggested we hang out for an hour or so for something to do. I went along with it no problem, figuring we could stop somewhere on the way back to get some cards or something.

He found a book right off and turned to a page in the middle, so he must have been reading it for a while. I looked around on the shelves for a while, finally choosing a book that Pony and I had seen the movie of a while ago. I dropped into a chair beside him, trying to focus on my own book, but every once in a while I glanced up at him, worried. His eyes were drooping as he stared at the book, and not once did I see him turn a page. I didn't want to ask if he was okay again and bug him, though.

One of the librarians, an older lady with glasses, kept wandering over, her eyes on me and Pony. I wondered if she thought we were gonna cause trouble or something since we looked kind of rough, but she just smiled a little when she met my eye. I figured maybe she had seen Pony here before. I managed to read a page or two, but I couldn't keep my head on the book. I just kept thinking that Pony didn't look too good and I hoped he wasn't getting sick or anything. I guessed I could have called Dally or maybe even Darry but I didn't want to worry them in case it was nothing. Darry would really freak out and I had no idea what Dally could do from so far away.

We spent a few hours at the library, me trying to read and Pony nodding off in his chair before I finally stood and asked if he wanted to go get some food. I was sick of reading and my butt was numb from the chair, even though Pony looked perfectly comfortable in his. He shrugged, climbing to his feet and putting the book back on the shelf where he'd found it.

"Too bad we can't get library cards," I muttered, put my own book back on the table by where we'd been sitting. Pony was quiet, so I just went on trying to fill the silence between us that felt so uncomfortable now. "I guess it's somewhere for us to hang out, anyway."

"Yeah. I came here a couple of times…been reading that book for a while. Yours any good?" he asked, blinking a few times and rubbing a hand over his face.

"Yeah. Gone with the Wind. We saw it at the movies, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember." His eyes were kind of sad when he said it, looking far away like he was remembering back when we could go to the movies together and he was home with his family again. I jerked my head, leading him out of the library and to a burger joint. I ordered us burgers and fries, then milkshakes. Pony picked at his food but finished the milkshake, which was good. Once more, I didn't let myself ask if he was feeling alright, just drank my own milkshake.

"Wanna sneak into a movie or something?" I suggested, and that pulled a grin out of him.

He led me to a movie house where we snuck in the back, dropping into chairs and watching some beach flick that wasn't too bad and killed almost two hours. The place was almost full, so it wasn't so hard to sneak in. Ponyboy seemed to be enjoying it, and I realized that I was paying more attention to him than the movie. I couldn't help it. I felt like I was responsible for watching out for him now…for Darry and Soda, but for him too. He was my best buddy and I wanted him to be okay.

After the movie was over, we started walking back to the apartment, stopping in at a convenience store where I grabbed a pack of cards and a couple of chocolate bars. I figured he might eat those, since him and his brothers were nuts about chocolate. Sodapop made the best chocolate cake that they let us all eat for breakfast, and Darry was okay with it, even though their parents hadn't let them, since he loved chocolate too. Or maybe he just hadn't wanted to tell his brothers 'no' so much after their parents had died, and it didn't hurt nothing, them eating cake for breakfast. I hoped chocolate didn't make him sad or think of his brothers even more…I just wanted to cheer him up.

After I'd bought the stuff, we headed back to the apartment that I was already starting to think of as home. Once we got there, we dropped onto the floor and I pulled out the deck of cards. "Wanna play?" I asked, holding them up. He nodded, even though he didn't seem too enthusiastic. He looked tired…even though he'd slept in. I hoped he'd be okay working on Monday. I figured we'd be doing some physical work, so it wouldn't be good if he was getting sick.

We played war, then rummy, until the door was thrown open and James came in. Apparently, that was just how he opened his front door...with force. He lifted an eyebrow, staring at us for a minute, then dropped onto the floor beside us. "Hey kids. Whatcha playing?"

"Rummy," I told him. "Wanna play?"

I didn't expect him to say yes, but he nodded, dropping onto the floor beside us. "Yeah. Deal me in."

I grinned, meeting Pony's eyes, and he pushed his cards over for me to shuffle.

"Where you been?" Pony wondered, and I was surprised he was brave enough to ask.

"None of your business, kid," James told him, but not mean, more dry and amused like Dally.

We played for a few hours, James beating us almost every time, but Pony did manage to win one round, and I won two. "Not bad, kids. Dal teach you to play?"

I nodded, but Pony hesitated, dropping his eyes to his cards. "Nah…my big brother."

Sodapop had taught him to play, and to cheat too. Back before their parents had died, and after too, we'd all sit in their living room playing cards for hours. And I knew sometimes when Soda didn't have plans, he'd hang out with Pony on the weekends sometimes, the two of them playing cards before Soda would take him to the drag races or the track where Dally raced horses. Soda was pretty good at cheating at cards, and he'd taught Pony everything he knew. Pony hadn't cheated tonight, though. He rarely did.

"Well, next time we'll play for some money and see what your brother taught ya." He stood, knocking Pony on the back of the head. It was almost nice…like he liked Pony and me. He grinned at me too, nodding and heading to his bedroom. "Night, kids."

"Night!" I called, and Pony echoed me, waving as James disappeared into his room. We played for another hour until Pony was nodding off, and finally climbed back onto the couch. I dropped into my nest of blankets on the floor, finally letting myself ask the question I'd been holding back all day. "Pony, you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah…"

"You're acting kind of…I don't know…like you're getting sick."

"I'm just tired."

"Yeah?"

He sighed in the dark. "Yeah…even though I slept late, I still feel tired all the time."

"Think you might be getting sick?"

"I hope not. We got work on Monday." He sounded like he was smiling but I felt like he was worried too.

"Yeah…maybe we ought to just sleep in tomorrow. I know you wanted to go to church…"

"Sure. Maybe that'll work. I'll take some aspirin and I'll be fine. Don't worry about it, Johnny."

"Alright. I'll go out and get some aspirin tomorrow."

"Thanks."

"Sure thing, Pone."

He was quiet for a minute, and I thought he'd gone to sleep, but he spoke up again after a minute. "I mean…thanks for being here."

I grinned in the dark. "Of course. I ain't going anywhere, man, so get used to it."