31. Sleepless Nights
When I woke up, I felt more awake than I had since…well, as long as I could remember. I mean, I felt like I could hardly lift my own head, but I wasn't so sleepy anymore. For the last few days, it had been all confusing dreams of Richard or my brothers, or once, all three of us in the house with him, me trying to get my brother's to hide. Soda had laughed like I was joking, and Darry had just looked kind of worried, putting his hand on my shoulder and asking if I was alright.
No, I had tried to tell him. I wasn't okay. None of this was okay.
I dreamed about Sodapop and Darry most, but a few times, Two-Bit had wandered in. And Susan sometimes. We hadn't spent all that much time together, but sometimes we would walk home together after school or exchange books. Once or twice, Sodapop had asked if I liked her, and I'd just told him that yeah, she was nice. I figured that, had she not been Two-Bit's sister, Steve or maybe Dal would have teased me about it, but since she was basically family, she was safe. I liked her just fine, and she was pretty and everything, but I usually had my mind on other things than girls. Soda assured me that would change, and I guess he was right, but probably not for a while. I thought briefly of Sue then shook that thought away. That was trouble I didn't need.
I didn't want to sleep anymore. I didn't want to dream about Richard or that house, or what had happened to Rita and Lianne. I didn't want to remember. So I sat up, or tried to, but my arms would hardly support me, and I dropped back down against the pillows. On the floor, Johnny was asleep in a pile of blankets, and I remembered that him and James had gone somewhere…at some point. I guess it had been earlier that day but I couldn't seem to keep things straight in my mind. I'd talked to my brothers, but not for long. I think they were worried, but I couldn't remember all of it. And there had been something about Susan.
Then I remembered. They'd gone after her. The guys that Richard hung around with. They'd gone into her house. I remembered what they'd done to Lianne and felt my stomach clench. Surely…Darry and Soda would have known. She would have told someone. Two-Bit at least. But they hadn't…they couldn't have. Right? I clenched my jaw, dropping my head back. I didn't want this. I didn't want to think about it and I didn't want to remember. I rubbed my hand down my face hard and sighed, trying to think about something else. Anything else.
I looked around for a clock but didn't find one, and tried again to push myself upright, gripping the sofa and pulling hard. After fighting for a second, I managed it, sitting back against the back of the sofa and wiping my clammy forehead. I thought about trying to make it to the kitchen on my own to see what time it was, but figured I wouldn't make it. Then I thought about calling my brothers, but they might be sleeping or something. Sighing and dropping my head back, I looked around the apartment, trying to remember if that radio had been there the whole time I'd been staying there. I didn't think so…
On the floor beside wasere a stack of books, and I blinked a few times, reaching out and grabbing a familiar looking one, realizing it was the book I'd been reading at the library. For a minute, as I bent down, I was so dizzy I was scared that I was gonna go tumbling onto the floor, but I managed to pull myself back up, dropping my head back and closing my eyes until it passed. In the front cover of the book was a stamp card from the New York Public Library and a black stamp telling me that the book was due back in two weeks. I wondered how Johnny had managed to get a card…surely James wouldn't have one...then, giving up on trying to figure that out, I just opened the book to the last page I'd read and tried to get lost in it.
Johnny woke up about an hour later, mumbling and rolling over and finding me sitting up on the sofa. "Hey there, Pony," he muttered, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes. "How you feeling?"
"I'm alright, I guess. Not so tired anymore."
"Good. Still got a fever?"
"I don't know…I guess." I shrugged, putting the book in my lap. "Where'd you get this?" I asked.
"James took me to the library this morning," he told me, grinning. "He got a library card."
"James? Like…the guy we're staying with?" I confirmed dubiously, and he laughed.
"Yeah, man. That lady asked about you, too. Said she hopes you feel better"
I felt my stomach drop. "She recognized me?"
"Just asked about my blond friend. Don't worry about it. She's got no idea who you are. Even if someone asked about you, no one knows you've got blond hair now. Not even your brothers or Dally."
I nodded. I guess that was true. "But what about you?"
"Don't worry Pone. No one's looking for me."
I flinched. "Johnny…"
"It's fine. Really." He grinned, jumping up and sitting beside me on the couch. "The guys know where I am, right? That's what matters." There wasn't really much I could say. His parents didn't care if he came home, which made me miss Darry even more. He'd always cared. About me and Johnny. But I guess Johnny knew that. He knew that Darry and Soda and the guys all cared about him. It wasn't as good as having parents that cared, but it was something. The guys and my brothers were all either of us had at this point.
Johnny made soup for lunch, letting me know that it was about noon, making it around nine at home. I guess I could have called Soda…or even the house. But if I called the house, Two-Bit might answer, and what if Sodapop had been wrong? What if he was mad at me? What if he blamed me for what had happened to Susan? And I didn't want to keep bugging Soda at work. Instead, Johnny and I read, me starting to doze a few times, but managing to stay awake. James was gone all day, and when Johnny handed me the thermometer, it showed that my fever was pretty much gone.
I was feeling real hungry for the first time in a long time, I guess because I hadn't really eaten anything but soup for days, so we made sandwiches, me insisting that I could walk all the way to the kitchen by myself and Johnny insisting on helping. I ended up leaning on him some, but I was feeling stronger after we ate and had some soda that either James had bought or that Johnny had taken from the store. I wasn't sure which. I asked him about work and he told me everything, how it was kind of boring at night when everyone was gone, and how he'd be glad when I was able to work again and he wouldn't be by himself. He also told me that Sue had been asking about me, grinning and nudging me with his elbow, and I'd shoved him off, trying not to turn red and knowing I was failing.
"Hey, she's real pretty," he told me, smirking. "I'll bet she'll be glad when you get back to work."
"I helped her out once when I first got here, that's all," I grumbled, ears hot.
He chuckled. "You told Soda and Darry about her?"
"Nothing to tell," I insisted, reaching for my book again.
"Oh, come on, Pone. Don't be mad. I'm just kidding with you." He threw an arm around my shoulders and I couldn't help grinning…it almost felt like things were normal again. "I mean, she is really pretty, but she's just friendly." He patted my shoulder, squeezing me a little and shaking me. "So…what did you do for her?"
"Some guy was bugging her and I helped her out," I told him. "It was no big deal."
"She seems awful grateful for something that was no big deal."
I just shrugged. "Think I can go back to work Monday?" I asked, changing the subject. He grinned a little but went with it.
"I don't know…maybe. Depends on how you're feeling I guess. We don't want you falling off a ladder again. You might crack your head open or something."
"I can mop and stuff."
"Maybe. We'll see how you're feeling. You really don't need to be working if you're still sick, though. You might make it worse."
"Yeah, I guess." I glanced back down at my book, but I was feeling dizzy and tired of reading, so I closed it and put it on the couch beside me. He got up and turned on the radio, and I closed my eyes, jerking awake when the door opened. Beside me, Johnny sat up, and we both found James and a guy I didn't recognize coming through the front door. I wondered how long I'd fallen asleep for this time.
"Hey kids," James greeted, slamming the door shut behind him. The other guy nodded, staring at me for a minute before glancing at James. "This is Terry." He jerked a thumb at the guy with him. "We work together."
The guy reached out a hand, giving a half smile. "What's up man?"
"Hey. I'm Johnny."
I glanced at James who nodded, then reached out and shook the guy's hand. "Ponyboy."
"Yeah, we met…sort of." He crossed his arms, looking at me critically. "You look better, kid. Thought you were gonna die or something."
"Nah. Kid's tough." James shoved past him, laughing a little when he had to catch himself on the couch.
"I guess so, putting up with you," Terry called. James gave him the finger before disappearing into the kitchen, leaving us alone with his friend. He didn't say much, though, just waited for James to come back out with beers, then they disappeared into his room. I didn't bother asking Johnny what he thought it was they were talking about. If it was some kind of trouble, it was something I didn't need to be worrying about. I had enough stuff to think about…my brothers and the guys back home and Susan and Richard and work and hoping I felt good enough to go to work on Monday.
Johnny didn't bring it up either, just turned up the radio and picked up his book again. I hadn't had any dreams or anything…at least, none that I remembered. Still, I didn't want to risk it. Pushing myself to my feet and waving away Johnny's offer to help, I went to the bathroom, then got myself a glass of water. I thought about making a sandwich or some pasta or something, but I was already starting to get dizzy, so I headed back to the living room and started reading again.
Johnny and I spent most of the weekend sitting around until I was going nuts. Soda was usually the one who couldn't sit still, and I was usually pretty good at it. I could sit through church and movies and school, but after almost a whole week of pretty much just sleeping and laying around, by Sunday night, I was about to go crazy. I wanted to call Darry and Soda, but I was scared…scared to find out that Susan was hurt worse than they'd thought or that Richard had done something else or that Two-Bit blamed me for all of this.. And I hated it, but scared seemed to be how I was almost all the time now, thanks to that asshole. I was scared of cigarettes and people that yelled and belts…glory, I was going to be the laughing stock of the neighborhood when I got home and some guy wearing a belt and smoking a cigarette yelled at me…hell, Steve could yell at me and I'd probably start crying. Or they'd find out I couldn't hardly look anyone in the eye anymore…or that my hands never really stopped shaking. That someone lifting a hand made me flinch. That I cried in my sleep almost every night…
The nightmare woke me around three am on Monday morning. It hadn't been anything new…just Richard and the belt…and Lianne. It was always Lianne. I woke up biting a pillow, fighting to keep my mouth shut. He'd hated it when any of us yelled…or made any kind of noise. Ever. He liked us best when we were silent and invisible, which Lianne had never quite learned. Or cared about. And I couldn't just let him hurt her…or Rita neither. I dreamed about her too. The two of us had barely even spoken, but I still thought about her a lot. I hoped she was okay. I hoped she got away. I figured she ought to be eighteen soon. I hoped she left on her birthday and never looked back.
I was sobbing into the pillow when I opened my eyes, my face hidden as I cried. Pushing the blankets away, I sat up in the dark living room, wiping my face and wondering if I'd ever get past this. If the dreams would ever stop…if I would stop being afraid. I was miles away, and there was no way he could find me, but he was after my brothers now, and our friends. Johnny had come all the way up here with me, and he had to get a job and sleep on the floor and…it was all my fault.
I dialed the phone before I gave myself time to think about it. It only rang twice before someone picked up, barking out a hello so quick that I didn't catch who it was.
"Hey…who's this?" I asked, wiping at my eyes and hoping whoever it was didn't know I was crying.
"Depends. Who's this?" I hesitated, not about to say without knowing who this was. "Kid?"
"Yeah?" I answered, hesitating. Did they know it was me? Was it someone I could trust? Who else would be at my house, though?
The voice got a lot nicer then. "Hey, Ponyboy. It's Two-Bit."
I sighed, turning my face away from the phone. Not only was he the one I was hoping not to talk to, he was also sure to know I was crying. Steve probably would have known too, but he might have ignored it. He didn't sound mad, though. He actually sounded like he was grinning. And sober. It was past one am there…he should have been drunk by now. Or asleep.
"Hey, Two-Bit." I hadn't talked to him in so long...months. Almost a year now. And I missed him like crazy. Still, I hesitated only a second before asking what I needed to know, wiping my eyes. "Is Susie okay?"
"Yeah, kiddo, she's fine. She's asleep in Soda's old room."
"Really?" I asked, hating how scared I sounded…how young.
"I swear, Pony. She's fine. You want me to wake her up so you can talk to her?"
"No." I laughed a little, eyes still hot. "Don't wake her."
"You sure? She's probably just pretending to sleep. Darry told her she ought to go to bed when him and Soda did, and she listens to him a whole hell of a lot better than she listens to me or Mom."
"Nah. I just…I wanted to make sure."
"Don't worry about it, Pony. We're all keeping an eye on her."
"I'm sorry, Two-Bit. Glory I'm sorry...I swear…if I'd known…" I cut myself off, choking on my words.
"What, Ponyboy? You would have come back? Gotten yourself stabbed?" The words were harsh but his tone wasn't.
"Better me than her." I muttered. He sighed on the other line, sounding almost mad. "I didn't think he'd ever go after her, Two-Bit. I swear...I never thought..."
"I know that, Ponyboy. I ain't mad at you," he assured me, real soft.
"You ought to be," I argued.
He sighed again, the sound harsh. "That's where you're wrong, kiddo. Ain't none of this your fault, unless you told that asshole about my sister, in which case, I'm gonna come find you and kick your ass." He was grinning again, and I laughed, feeling better already. He always was good at that. "How are you feeling? That James guy said you were awful sick, and Darry and Soda were worrying their heads off."
It sounded like he had been too, but I wasn't about to bring that up. "I think I'm pretty much over it. I'm gonna try and go back to work tomorrow…well…tonight."
"You sure that's a good idea?"
I wasn't, but what else was I supposed to do all day? "I can't sit around this apartment anymore. I'll go nuts."
He chuckled then. "Yeah, I guess you've been cooped up for a while." He was quiet for a second. "So…how are you doing? Really? And how come you're up at 1 in the morning when you've been sick?"
I didn't bother telling him it was three am where I was…he might be able to figure out where I was and he might just come find me. He didn't have a job or nothing keeping him in Tulsa. Except Susie…but he might just bring her. For a second, that thought sounded so wonderful I almost did it. Glory I missed Two-Bit…instead, I answered his question. "Just…couldn't sleep."
"Nightmares, huh?" he asked, and I sighed.
It wasn't like he didn't know about them. The whole gang did. But this wasn't like the screaming ones where I couldn't remember them when I woke up. They'd all been around for those. These were nightmares that had me sobbing and biting pillows, scared long after I woke up. Surely I was too old for those kinds of nightmares, and my ears got hot thinking about him knowing I woke up crying. Still, it would be no use lying to him. Wasn't like he thought I was tough or nothing.
"Yeah," I admitted.
"What about?" I didn't want to tell him that. I didn't want to think about it or talk about it or anything else. He went on though. "Richard? I guess they usually are, huh?"
"Yeah." I wiped at my eyes again.
"Don't blame you. After what he did, I'd probably have nightmares too."
I doubted it, but it was good of him to try and make me feel better. Still, I hated to think that he knew even some of what Richard had done to me.
"We're gonna get that asshole, kiddo."
"I know..." I muttered, even though I didn't, wiping my eyes. "I'll let you go, man."
"Hey, Pony, hang on a second," he stopped me before I could hang up. I sighed, leaning back against the sofa and glancing over at Johnny. He was still asleep, and I kept my voice down, trying not to wake him. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't wanna, okay? You want me to wake Soda or Darry?"
Glad he'd changed the subject but not wanting to wake my brothers when they were probably real tired, I shook my head. "Nah…they gotta work tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah, they do. They wouldn't mind, though. I swear, kid, they're worried sick."
"I'll call tomorrow…I can talk to them then."
"How's Johnny?" he asked, and I wondered if he just wanted to keep me on the line. The thought made me grin a little. Maybe he'd missed me almost as much as Sodapop and Darry.
"Sleeping right now. But he's fine. He's been working and stuff. Reading. James got us some books from the library."
"Yeah? That was good of him."
"He's nice sometimes." Two-Bit laughed on the other line. "What about you guys? What's going on at home?"
"Nothing much. Susie's been hanging around, with me or one of the others. Tim too. His guys are keeping an eye out, trying to get one of your foster brothers to talk."
"They ain't gonna." It was true…no way Mark or Tyler would ever stick around after they turned eighteen, and to talk before then was basically a death sentence.
"Well, they're trying anyway. We haven't seen Richard or any of his buddies around. Your brother talked to that cop, Officer Charlton, and now there's cops in our neighborhood keeping an eye on things. Our neighbors aren't happy, but I think Susie feels safer."
"What are we gonna do, Two-Bit?" I asked, my voice too small. "They ain't gonna talk." He was quiet for a second, then I went on. "What if I come back? Tell the cops myself." I hated the idea even as I said it. It was stupid and dangerous and I'd probably end up dead, but glory I was sick of hiding out up here. I was sick of everyone I cared about being in danger because of me.
"It ain't safe, kiddo. They'll put you back with that asshole...your brothers ain't never gonna let that happen. Me neither."
"I know but…if they catch him doing something to me…"
"No! Hell no, kid!" He sounded real mad then, taking me by surprise and cutting me off. I flinched, glancing over to make sure we hadn't woken Johnny. "We're not using you as bait, you hear me? Don't even think about it! And don't try that crap with your brothers either. They ain't gonna risk him hurting you."
"He already did," I reminded him. It must have been how tired I was that let me say it…my eyes were hot again, and I wiped at them impatiently.
"Shit," he whispered, and I knew he was shaking his head, rubbing a tired hand down his face, or stroking his sideburns. "We ain't gonna let him hurt you no more, kiddo. I swear. We'll find a way to get you home without letting him get close to you. Hell, we'll kill him if we have to."
I felt my skin go cold. "Don't joke about that, Two," I warned, even though I knew he wasn't joking. Our friends were tough guys, I knew that. Dallas was usually good to me, but he'd been to jail more than any of us, and he'd beat a guy half to death in a rumble once. Plus he used to tell me stories about jumping people that made my hair stand on end. Two-Bit got along with just about everyone when he wanted to, but he carried a black handled switch and I knew he'd held it to one of his mom's boyfriend's throat's when the guy had hit Susie. Steve goofed off with Soda all the time and he could lift a hubcap faster than anyone I knew, but he had a right hook that could knock a soc on his ass.
As for my brothers, Sodapop was my favorite person in the world. He loved me and he'd always stick up for me, but in a rumble he could be vicious and mean as anyone. Then there was Darry…glory Darry was big. He could bench press me easy, which he'd done a few times just to prove he could. Heck, he had me sit on his back when he did push ups sometimes. So if it came to killing someone, our gang could pull it off easy, not to mention if they got Tim's crew involved.
"Who's joking. I'll bet you anything your big brothers would off that guy in a heartbeat. Any of us would."
I knew that. I knew that if you pushed my brothers hard enough, especially if it involved threatening me, they could kill someone. The thought made me sick. I couldn't stand the thought of Darry or Sodapop having to go to jail because of me. "If you got caught…"
"Tim's guys can do it. No cop's gonna catch them."
"And what about his cop friends?"
He sighed, and I knew I had him. "We're still working on that part. Just…sit tight, Ponyboy, and focus on getting better. Okay?"
I hesitated for a second, but figured I might as well agree for the moment. "Yeah, okay."
"Good. Go to bed, kid. Call back tomorrow and we can all talk to you." He hesitated. "I sure do miss you, kiddo. You know?"
"I miss you too." I murmured, letting the tears fall this time and sniffing quietly. He knew I was a baby just as much as the rest of the gang, I guess, so it didn't matter. "I miss you guys...just wanna come home, Two-Bit."
"I know. You'll get to soon. I swear kid, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna make sure you get home. Okay?" I nodded, even though he couldn't see me, but I guess he thought I didn't believe him. "Shoot, I ever lie to you, Pone?"
"I don't think so."
He snorted. "Night, kid. Get some rest, and I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Night, Two." Hanging up the phone, I dropped back onto the sofa, staring up at the dark ceiling and feeling the hot tears drip down the sides of my face, missing home so bad it hurt my chest. But Two-Bit had never lied to me. They'd make it safe for Johnny and me to come back...I just hoped they did it soon.
