Office Talk: Gin

"Aniki… Aniki!"

Gin startled and dropped the pen as his eyes shot up. "Oh, Vodka! I thought you went to the copier down in Admin."

"I did, I just got back," Vodka said as he set down the folder he'd been carrying and gave Gin a scrutinizing look. "Your pen wasn't moving."

Gin grimaced. "Oh. Sorry, I got lost in thought for a bit."

He quickly picked up a random paper on his desk and pretended to read it, but he could still see Vodka in his periphery watching him.

When Vodka showed no sign of returning to his own desk, Gin said, "You don't have to watch me so closely. I'll get my work done. Not like I can do much else with my leg still jacked up."

The last sentence came out more bitter than he'd intended. He no longer needed to wear bandages on his hand for the burns he'd sustained while fighting Vermouth, but his leg was still too weak to carry him without additional support. He'd used the walker for the absolute bare minimum that he'd needed to before switching over to a cane. It felt less demeaning, but he still resented his reduced mobility. All of his work had been confined to his rarely-used desk in his rarely-inhabited office for the past few weeks, and it was doing him no favors for his mental health. He thrived on being physically active and doing stuff. Sitting trapped at a desk indoors wasn't sufficiently stimulating. It gave him too much time to think…

The events leading up to and including Vermouth's attempted coup swirled around in his head like a festering miasma with the related memories occasionally springing upon him when he least suspected it. Thoughts and memories of his sister were frequent, especially with her approaching funeral in a few days.

Thinking of her usually reminded him of Rum who was now the new Chief to replace Karasuma who had retired. He was still not used to it and had been avoiding the man as much as he could. The fact that Gin had not once been forced to meet Rum directly since becoming Chief suggested maybe Rum was trying to avoid him too which suited him just fine. He already blamed himself for Emma's death; he didn't need to hear Rum accusing him too.

Imagining those accusations then made him think of the real accusations Vodka had hurled at him when he was being mind controlled. At the time, the thing he'd been most concerned was getting his friend back, but there had definitely been elements of truth to what he said. Unlike Rum, Gin had seen Vodka often, almost every day, in fact, since he was relying on him so much for the paperwork help, but they hadn't talked about what happened beyond Gin asking if he remembered anything from being mind controlled. He hadn't asked for details. He was scared to find out how much of what Vodka had said he genuinely felt.

Yet another person he was avoiding talking to was Akai, which was a bit of a problem since he was Akai's supervisor, and Akai was brand new to the MiB. Gin knew he was being both unprofessional and a coward, but now that Akai knew the truth about the Organization, Gin had a feeling that he would want to ask him about Akemi. Emma's death combined with Sherry's return and Vermouth's involvement reopened the mental wounds losing her had caused, which made him circle back around to thinking about his sister in one big continuous loop.

"Aniki, snap out of it!" Vodka's voice suddenly intruded on his thoughts again. Gin noted his partner's hands were on both his shoulders, and expression one of deep concern. He was about to make some excuse, but Vodka spoke first, "Aniki, how long has this been going on for?"

Gin felt himself mentally retreating, trying to find a way to escape this conversation. He didn't want it; he wasn't ready. "How long has what been going on for?"

Vodka's brow furrowed. "Edward, don't you run away from me," he said low and sharp, and Gin was stunned.

Vodka almost never called him by his given name, and he could count on one hand the number of times Vodka had used that tone with him. Vodka lifted one hand to his face and removed his sunglasses, another rare gesture, then reached out and gently cupped his cheeks between his large hands. He was intentionally making himself more open and vulnerable.

"Don't run. Not with me. I've been your partner and friend for years. I've seen you at your worst and we've shared most if not all of our secrets with each other. I'm not good at reading strangers, but I can read you, so what's going on? You've been through a lot recently, but why are you trying to hide from me?"

Sometimes, Vodka was way too perceptive for his own good. Gin couldn't look into those open, trusting eyes for a second longer and physically pushed away from the desk and his partner.

"Why are you like this?" Gin murmured.

"Sorry?"

"You suffered worse than I did, yet you're the one fretting over me," Gin said, still avoiding his eyes.

"I wouldn't say it was worse, but bad in a different way," Vodka said quietly. "But what happened to me… I know it did, but the mind control drug made me feel disconnected from my own body, like I was in a virtual world where nothing that happened was real. I guess I'm still having a hard time reconciling that, but the loss and injuries you've sustained by contrast are tangible, so it feels easier for me to direct my focus towards you rather than my own nebulous mental stuff."

Gin swallowed hard and whispered, "Was it true?"

The words left his mouth before he could stop himself, and he hoped Vodka hadn't heard him, but his partner's next words proved otherwise. "Was what true?"

He couldn't stop talking now that he'd started.

"What you said to me during our fight when you were being mind controlled. At one point, you said that Vermouth hadn't told you what to say and that all your words were things already living in your head but never spoken aloud," Gin said and chanced at glance at Vodka's face. His jaw was slack, and his eyes were wide with horror. There was no question that he knew exactly what Gin was talking about.

"No! That's just- No, I don't think any of that stuff about you! The order Vermouth gave me before I went down to the gym to fight you was to say any hurtful thing I could think of to throw you off your game and crush your spirit," Vodka said.

"You're not just saying that because you're secretly afraid I'll kill you for contradicting me?"

Vodka gave him a bemused grimace. "Aniki, we both know I can't lie to save my life. Have you been dwelling on this since the fight?"

"Off and on, amongst other things," Gin admitted.

Strangely, Vodka rubbed the back of his neck, an anxious gesture. "Well, I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you that there have been times when I've held back on saying things to you because I was afraid it would make you stop being my friend and wanting to be around me," Vodka said hesitantly. "Oh, but don't worry! Kir talked me through it and pointed out that if you really did drop our friendship because of a disagreement, then you wouldn't be the kind of person I should want to keep around as a friend anyway."

Gin's lips twitched into a rueful smile. "She's a smart woman, that Kir."

Vodka straightened and his eyes brightened. "Yeah, she is," he said happily but then sobered a little. "So what else has been on your mind? Curaçao?"

Gin's smile faded, and he nodded once. "Yeah, she's one of them, as well as Rum replacing 'that person', and Akai being hired as the new FBI liaison. I've been trying to avoid talking to either of them as much as I can."

"Umm… that seems like it would be a challenge when one is your supervisor and the other is your brand new subordinate," Vodka pointed out.

"It hasn't been a problem for me yet," Gin said.

He was going to avoid direct contact with both of them for as long as he could. Unfortunately, in the case of Rum, he likely only had until his sister's funeral in a few days.