36. Coming to Terms
I stared at the ceiling from the floor where I'd been sleeping for the last few hours. James had had a card game going when we'd gotten back from work the night before…it had gone until three a.m. when Pony had just about fallen asleep on the coffee table. Yawning, James had kicked his friends out, heading into his own bedroom, and Pony had dragged himself to the sofa where he'd slept for about two hours before waking up crying again, his face in the pillow muffling the screams.
Barely awake myself, I'd felt a brief urge to just ignore him…just let him sleep it off. But he was crying, just like he had been every night since he'd beat the crap out of those guys.
How many times had he had to suffer through this alone? How many times had the other guys in the house just let him sleep it off? How many times had he woken up crying, alone and scared and missing his brothers?
So, climbing to my feet and feeling a little ashamed, I went over to him. His lip was bleeding again…a consequence of the last fight three days ago, and his eye was still bruised and painful looking, even though the swelling was pretty much gone. Sitting on the sofa, I put a hand on his shoulder.
Pete's buddies had gotten us twice since that first time in the store, each time when we'd been walking home from work. The first time they'd jumped us was about three days after Pete and his buddies had come into the store. Thursday night. Pony and me had been walking home from work, him real quiet as I'd come to get used to. I mean, he was always kind of quiet, but this was new…well, not entirely new. It was just like right after he'd lost his parents. He seemed lost in thought most of the time, barely talking to me even when I asked him stuff. It was like living with a ghost, and I hated it. I knew his brothers had hated it too, and had tried real hard to get him to come out of it. Now I wasn't sure what to do.
We'd sort of been keeping an eye out, but honestly, we hadn't seen those guys around since Monday, and no one had ever bugged us when we'd been on our way home, so we hadn't been paying much attention. Two hoods had jumped out from an alley about three blocks from the apartment and grabbed us, throwing me against the wall and shoving Ponyboy further into the alley.
We'd managed to get away, but not before they'd busted his lip and about knocked me out. Ponyboy had dragged me back to the apartment and James had left for the night again, not coming back until the middle of the next day with a black eye and a bandage on his knuckles. Then Pony had sat with me all night, a cold rag on my head, keeping me awake and looking scared. I'd done my best to reassure him I was fine, talking to him about the book I'd been reading until he'd fallen asleep sitting up beside me.
I'd stayed home from work the next day, which Ponyboy had insisted on, and he'd told our boss what had happened. He told me that Mr. Williams just asked if I was okay or needed a hospital or anything, but Pony had assured him that I was alright, just needed to rest for a day. We'd stayed home that Sunday, hiding in the apartment and reading all day, neither of us suggesting we go out. When I'd gone back to work on Monday, he'd pulled us both into the back with a real serious look on his face.
"You boys sure find yourselves in trouble a lot, don't you?" Mr. Williams had asked, then patted me on the arm. "Are you alright?" he'd asked me, squeezing my shoulder a little.
"Yeah…we got away from 'em before they could do too much damage."
He'd eyed Pony's busted lip and the bruise on my head.
"I hate to think of what you boys think is 'too much damage.'" He'd sighed, crossing his arms, looking as serious as the day we'd gone back to work after Pony had beaten up those guys. "No one told the police that you two work here, so you ought to be fine. If they come around, I'll tell them I hired you today…that I wanted some extra people around the store after what happened. No one's gonna say anything else about it."
And that's been all he'd said. Nothing about Ponyboy about killing someone. Nothing about me barely stopping him in time. Sue hadn't spoken to us in two days, and then, she'd been pretty quiet. Heck, she was still skittish, barely meeting our eyes. We were just a couple more hoods to her now, I guess.
The next fight had happened on Wednesday night and this time it had been four guys. Once more, we'd been on our way home from work. I couldn't remember it much, but I'd woken up to James shaking me and slapping my face. "Wake up…kid wake up now!" he'd barked, and I'd looked around the alley blearily, hands shaking as I'd tried to remember what had happened.
"Pony? Where's…"
"We've got him. We gotta get you two back home. Hell, it would be better to get you to the hospital…" He'd trailed off, pulling me to my feet, and I'd glanced over to find Pony propped up between his other two friends, Ed and Terry, his head against his chest as he'd tried to walk.
"Pony…" I'd tried to reach out to him, but James had shaken me a little.
"He's fine. We can't stay out here, though, okay? Come on. Work with me." And slowly, we'd all made our way back to the apartment a few blocks away. They'd gotten us in almost the same place as the week before and I cursed myself for not keeping a better lookout.
I'd fallen asleep again as soon as they'd dropped me on the floor where I usually slept, and hadn't woken up until the next afternoon. I'd immediately sat up, looking around and found Ponyboy sitting up on the sofa. He'd had two black eyes and his lip was bleeding a little. His face had looked like one big bruise, and I'd figured I didn't look much better. James had come in from the kitchen then, handing me a glass of water and two pills that I'd swallowed without question. Beside him on a table, Pony had had a similar empty glass.
"Do yous two ever look where you're going?" James had snapped, glaring between us. "I mean, shit! I know actual mafia guys that get into less trouble!"
"You know real mafia guys?" Pony had asked, a slight smirk on his face, and I'd bit back the laugh. It was good to see him cracking jokes again.
James had wheeled on him though, and Pony had tensed, jerking back against the sofa, all humor forgotten, his face real pale under the bruises.
"Look, you little shit…"
"Cut it out!" I'd snapped, jumping up despite the spinning in my head and taking a threatening step forward that I was sure wasn't too threatening.
He'd just stared down at my friend who no longer met his eyes and had sighed, running a hand down his face. Pony had been real quiet, his hands shaking in his lap. I wondered how many times Richard had said that exact thing to him…had towered over him, fists clenched, ready to hit him.
"We're gonna have to rumble again," James had told us then, glancing between us, his tone softer. Pony hadn't looked up again, though. "I'm gonna go talk to Terry, then I gotta work. You two think you can survive until tomorrow?"
We'd just nodded, and Pony hadn't really spoken to James for a couple of days, although it hadn't been for a lack of trying on his part.
Mr. Williams hadn't said anything about our new injuries that night, but he had been keeping an eye on us since. Last night had been the first time Pony had been brave enough to talk to James again. Now it was Saturday morning, a little over a month since I'd joined Ponyboy in New York. Close to two since he'd come here himself…since Richard had killed his foster sister. Closer and closer to a year since he'd seen his brothers. August and the start of the new school year was coming up and neither of us would be able to go.
I reached out and shook my friend, hating how he hid his face in a pillow so he wouldn't scream…even in his sleep. That meant he was so scared, even in his sleep, of making noise that he was trying to keep quiet. What had Richard done to him? How could my friend get better if stuff like this kept happening?
"Wake up, Pony." I murmured, rubbing his back, and he jerked awake, staring at me blearily, his eyes still wet. "You're alright. We're at James's apartment." It helped him when I told him where we were, I guess, because he usually came out of it pretty quick when I did. Now he just sighed, closing his eyes and dropping back against a pillow.
"I'm real sick of this, Johnny," he murmured in a watery voice, and I patted him on the shoulder.
"Yeah, I know man." I knew he was tired and scared to death all the time and stressed out, and it felt like there was nothing I could do to help. "Get some more sleep, alright? Want some aspirin?"
He nodded and I grabbed us both three pills. We shared a glass of water, downing the pills, then he curled up on the couch under the blanket and went back to sleep.
I didn't have as much luck, and I was glad we didn't have to go to work for the next two days. I was still awful sore, and I was sure he was too. I left Pony to sleep, slipping out of the apartment with a dime in my pocket and heading across the road to the payphone, keeping a sharp eye out. James had told us that him and Terry had tracked down a couple of guys that ran around with Pete and had beaten the hell out of them…payback I guess, and he was still talking about a rumble. The last thing I wanted was to get in the middle of a New York City gang war, but I appreciated them sticking up for us.
Buck answered the phone at the bar, sounding tired and irritable, but I didn't much care. It was probably around seven in the morning there, and I'd thought about calling Darry and Soda, but they'd want to talk to Pony who, as far as I knew, had only called his brothers twice in two weeks. "Let me talk to Dallas," I told Buck, and after only a second of grumbling, he sat the phone down, probably going to find my friend, and then Dally was on the phone.
"Yeah?" he asked, sounding tired.
"Hey, Dal," I greeted, grinning so big I was sure he knew.
"It's about time, kid. What the hell is going on? The kid's brothers are freaking out…I'm waiting for them to tie me up and make me call you guys."
"He hasn't called?" Of course, I'd pretty much known. For the last couple of days since we'd gotten jumped the second time out in the alley, Pony had gotten more withdrawn than before. I didn't know if it was 'cause he was scared of the hoods or because he was scared of James. Either way, I knew he hadn't told his brothers or the guys anything about our trouble with these New York hoods and wondered why. I guess he just didn't want to worry them even more.
"Not since Tuesday. They're scared he's sick again or something. Soda said something wasn't right last time they talked…he's worrying himself to death."
"He ain't sick…he's fine." I glanced back at the apartment across the street, squeezing the phone. He was barely sleeping and didn't eat much of anything at all…which couldn't be good. He was so skinny those stupid long-sleeved shirts were falling off him. His jeans too. I wanted to tell his brothers that, but I knew they couldn't help from back home. "We had some trouble with a couple of guys…they came into the store and they were causing trouble. And since…well, it's happened two more times on our way home," I admitted. He needed to know.
"They hurt you two?" he demanded.
"Not bad," I lied. "At the store, they had a hold of me but…Pony about killed 'em."
"Shit…really?"
"Yeah. He was pretty shook up after. I was scared he wasn't gonna stop hitting them."
"Doesn't sound like the kid," Dally told me finally, talking real slow.
"I think he's messed up, Dal. I mean…he seems okay sometimes but that night he got ahold of one of those guys and just kept hitting him. He would have killed him if I hadn't grabbed him. Then he was just out of it. I took him home and he had some kind of awful nightmare…woke up crying and couldn't stop shaking. I don't know what all that guy did to him but it must have been real bad."
"Yeah, no shit," he grumbled on the other line. "Where is he now?"
"Back at the apartment. Asleep. He's been having nightmares every night…it's getting so bad he barely sleeps. Won't eat much. He's lost weight and…I don't know what to do, Dally." I'd come to help him…to make sure he knew someone was with him, but it didn't seem to be doing nothing.
"There's nothing you can do, man," he assured me quietly. "You're with him. That's about all there is to do. He needs his brothers I guess."
"Any luck talking to those foster kids?"
"Mark and Tyler split. No trace of 'em. They ain't gonna come back to talk."
"And the girl?"
He sighed, sounding defeated. "She's gone too. Left a little over a week ago. No more kids in that house…not yet. The cop can't find nothing…Darry and Sodapop are going nuts trying to figure this out. I even suggested bringing the kid back to testify and Darrel just about lost it. Told me I'd put the kid in danger again over his dead body…I think he meant it."
"But no ones been bugging you guys?"
"Not really. Someone left a note in their mailbox. 'Tell the cop to leave us alone or we'll kill you' or some shit like that. Darry showed it to that cop, but they ain't worried. Two-Bit and Susie are staying with Darry and Soda a lot of the time. I don't know what they're gonna do, man. That cop can't find proof of anything and the kids from that house are gone. Until they get new foster kids and start hurting them…I don't know."
I don't think I'd ever heard Dally sound so helpless…it didn't feel right. Dally always knew what to do!
"What if me and Pony just come back? Don't tell Darry. Talk to the cops?"
"It ain't safe."
"So what? It ain't safe for Ponyboy to stay up here like this. We go to work and he reads books and stuff but he ain't all there. Something's wrong with him. And now we got those hoods after us…"
For a long time, Dallas was quiet. Then, "How much you two got saved?"
"Just about enough for two bus tickets. We save almost everything we make. He barely eats anything so that helps."
He snorted but didn't sound amused. "Give it another week and I'll talk to Darrel about it again, okay. Maybe that cop too. If we're gonna bring you two back, we gotta at least talk to the cop. Darry's gonna kill me if I bring you two back and it ain't safe. But the kid needs to come home…you too."
"Yeah…alright."
"Can you get him to call his brothers? One of 'em at least?"
"I'll do my best," I promised.
"Do me one better…just call them yourself and hand him the phone. I don't care why he's avoiding them…they can't take this right now. They're gonna lose it and I don't feel like dealing with it right now, man."
"Alright. I will," I told him.
"Get him to do something…go to the movies or something. Hell, go shoplift something. Just…try to get him out of whatever the hell's going on with him."
"We're going to church on Sunday. The Pastor's real nice."
"That help?" he asked, dubious.
Everyone knew he used to go to church sometimes. Once Steve had started to tease him about it after his parents had died, but Darry had pulled him aside…more like grabbed him and threw him into the wall in front of everyone but Pony, and told him that if going to church helped his little brother, then he could damn well go to church.
No one had dared tease him after that.
"A little. Our boss's daughter likes him. She's there."
"Yeah? The kid's got a girl?" he sounded like he was grinning and I did too.
"Nah…he don't even notice I don't think."
He sighed. "Try to get him to."
I felt bad for bugging him about all this when he had so much more to worry about, but I didn't know where else to turn.
"Take care of yourself, alright? Call sometime next week and we'll see where we can go from there."
"Sure thing. Thanks, Dal…for everything."
"Yeah, whatever, kid. This is the last favor I do for you two."
I knew that wasn't true…Dally would always help us. He was gallant.
Right as I was about to hang up, he caught me. "Hey, your old lady came by the Curtis's house today…was asking if they'd seen you. Darry told her you were around."
"She waited this long to ask about me, so screw her," I snapped, hating how hot my eyes were, and I heard him snort on the other end.
"You got that right, kid," he told me, not unkindly.
Ponyboy was asleep when I got back to the apartment, and I was as quiet as I could be, slipping into the nest of blankets on the floor and figuring I could get more sleep.
When I finally got up, I smelled food. Stretching, I climbed to my feet and found Ponyboy in the kitchen, a plate of eggs already made. He nodded to me, gesturing for me to take it.
"Thanks."
He nodded, making his own plate, which had only about half as much food as mine.
"I ain't all that hungry, man. You sure you don't want more?" I asked, but he just shook his head. I ate most of what he'd given me, and he picked at his food. "Man, if you don't eat more than that, you're gonna get sick," I warned. He just shrugged. "You're freaking me out, Pone," I admitted then, and that got his attention.
"I'm just…tired," he assured me, smiling weakly. "Still sore from Thursday."
We hadn't talked about the guys who'd jumped us…I didn't want to, and I guess he didn't either. But I felt like we ought to.
"Think James and his guys can take care of it?" I asked, putting my plate on the table in front of us. He glanced at me, then back at his eggs, shrugging. "I sure ain't itching to get jumped again for a while," I tried to joke.
Pony swallowed hard.
"Maybe you ought to head home, Johnny," he almost whispered, and I jerked my head around to look at him.
"What?"
"You didn't sign up for this, you know? It ain't fair, you getting beat up just for sticking around with me. We got enough for one bus ticket, and I can keep my job with Mr. Williams and keep saving. I'll be fine."
"You want me to leave?" I asked, incredulous, and felt my heart twist uncomfortably when a tear ran down the side of his face. He turned his face away, his eyes just about dead as he wiped absently at his face.
"You ought to. Before you get hurt more."
I reached out, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him hard, turning him so he had to look at me. He didn't meet my eyes and I saw how exhausted he was…how scared and small and broken he looked. Keeping a hold of his shoulder, I reached out with my other hand and cupped his neck like Darry did.
"Hey, I ain't gonna leave you," I told him, real quiet. "You hear? I ain't gonna leave, not unless you come with me, and it ain't safe for that to happen yet, so we'll keep working and saving money, and everything's gonna be fine."
He put a fist up to his mouth then, biting down and sobbing against his will, the sound forced out of him.
"I won't leave you here by yourself. You ain't gotta be alone anymore, okay? It don't matter what they do, I won't leave you. You're my brother and I'm staying with you."
He was shaking real hard and I put my arms around him, remembering a day almost two years ago when he'd found me in the lot, my head hidden in my knees, a black eye forming from a punch my old man had given me. It was the first time they'd actually kicked me out. He'd sat down beside me, putting his arms around me, holding on when I went to shake him off, ignoring me when I told him to beat it…to leave me the hell alone.
"I ain't gonna leave you, Johnny," he'd told me, a sad smile in his voice. "I won't leave you here by yourself. You're my best friend, and I'm staying with you."
"I talked to Dally on the phone," I told Ponyboy after he'd cried for a few minutes, knowing he wouldn't want to talk about that.
He wiped his eyes and I pretended not to notice. He was usually more emotional than the rest of us, but not this bad. Then again, Sodapop had been real emotional in the last year too. And Darry…hell all of us had missed him so much it hurt.
"Everything okay back home?"
"Yeah, except your brothers are worried sick. How come you haven't called them?"
He shrugged, uncomfortable, but I couldn't let it go.
"Why don't you call them tonight? They're scared something's happened."
"Something has."
"Yeah, and they're gonna want to know."
"They can't do anything about it."
"No, but they'll still want to know." He just kind of shrugged, and I let it go for the moment. "Wanna go to the library? I'm out of books."
He nodded, looking grateful for the reprieve, and after we got dressed, we grabbed our stacks of books and headed to the library. We hadn't been since last Saturday and had managed to read all the books we'd brought home with James's library card the week before. He'd checked out three old books, classics I guess, and I'd grabbed three mysteries, reading all of them and one of his. It was boring, actually, but he seemed to like them.
It was so hot out I started sweating the minute we stepped outside. He had to be hot, or maybe he was getting used to the long sleeves and jeans. I shifted my books, wiping my forehead and feeling sweat start to drip down my back. I looked at him as we walked, and he was getting sweaty too…guess he was hot.
"No one's gonna care if you roll your sleeves up, Pone," I told him quietly as we walked, knowing he wouldn't like it but trying anyway. "It's awful hot up here."
"I'm fine," he assured me.
I let it go, and sighed in relief when we stepped into the cool, shady library. The same old lady was still at the counter and she smiled to see us.
"Good afternoon, boys," she greeted, kindly as ever. I nodded, putting the books on the counter, and Pony grinned a little, muttering a hello and then the two of us headed over to the stacks, trying to find books we hadn't read yet.
"Never thought I'd say this, but I'm kind of sick of reading all day."
I snorted, nudging him with my elbow.
"Your brother's gonna be glad to hear that," I teased. "Always said you kept your nose in a book too much."
He grinned, nodding and trailing a finger over the spines of the books, looking for something new to read. I had a feeling he wouldn't mind Darry's scolding so much anymore.
Eventually we picked out two books and settled into our usual chairs, him curling up sideways, me cross-legged, and managed to read for a while. I could tell his heart wasn't in it…he was determined though, and I figured it would kill the time so what could it hurt. We'd been there for about half an hour when a familiar voice interrupted us.
"Mike? Patrick?"
Pony and I glanced up, him grinning a little, and I put my book down in my lap.
"Hey Sue," I greeted quietly, keeping an eye out for a librarian who might shush us. She had her arms crossed, leaning against a bookshelf.
"What are you guys doing here?"
Pony held up a book and I chuckled. She did too.
"Is this what you guys do on your days off? Sit around and read?"
"Sometimes we go to the movies." I shrugged.
Her eyes kept darting back to Pony but I couldn't tell if it was because she liked him or if it was because she was scared of him. We both looked pretty rough, which was a good thing if anyone wanted to mess with us, but it might scare her. Either way, her eyes kept going back to his face, which was turned down toward his book. He glanced at her sometimes, though, smiling a little, and I fought not to roll my eyes. Was this what he was gonna be like when he liked a girl? Then again, I wasn't much better, I had to admit.
"You guys ever go swimming?" she asked, the question taking us both by surprise.
I glanced over at Pony who looked interested. We liked swimming when we could afford to go…usually it just cost a nickel and we'd go with Two-Bit or Soda and Steve and we'd horse around until the lifeguard blew his whistle at us. Once, Dally had gotten us kicked out, but they'd let us back in the next day. The socs usually had their own pools, so they wouldn't come to the public pool and bug us. That made it safe for me and Pony to go by ourselves most of the time so that was cool.
"Yeah…sometimes," I told her.
"Wanna come? I was going to go with Tessa but she bailed on me." She was grinning at us easily, but I wondered if that was true. Still, I glanced over at Pony, remembering what Dal had said. Distract him. Pull him out of whatever kind of rut he was in…get him to notice that Sue seemed to like him.
"We don't have swim suits," I told her.
"You can swim in shorts. Got any of those?"
I nodded, and Ponyboy did too. He tugged one of his sleeves down a little further though.
"Your shirt too, if you want," she told him, her eyes dropping to the floor. "Nobody's gonna care."
He stared down at his lap, his ears getting red.
I nudged him a little. "You wanna go?" I asked, and went on when he didn't answer. "Beats sitting around here. Besides, you said you were sick of reading, right?"
He glanced up, grinning a little, and I grinned right back, glad to see a little of my friend back.
"Yeah, alright…sounds like fun."
