I wondered who else would be part of the "early risers" club as I awoke in another cold sweat at 5:12 am according to the kitchen clock, which was quickly becoming a close and trusted friend of mine.

Who needs sleep when you have clocks.

My questionable logic was a good indicator that sleepless Izumi was bad news for everyone. No one else was awake and the entire complex was completely silent, which I thought would be relaxing… but honestly, it was boring. I realized, not without concern, that I had grown accustomed to, and even enjoyed the cacophony of living with the Akatsuki.

I downed a cup of coffee and poured myself another before starting breakfast, assuming someone would be up soon wanting to eat.

"Aren't you up a little early for someone who was also up so late?" Kisame's voice came from behind me, and it did little to hide any insinuation. I turned around with a sigh, crossing my arms.

"Good morning to you too, Kisame." I said sweetly with a fake little smile.

He grinned. "Lucky for me though, you're just the person I wanted to talk to."

"Oh? Why's that? Not that I'm surprised, considering my charming wit and all," I said, beginning to make him a plate despite his overall lack of tact. He chuckled at this and nodded.

"True, I suppose that's probably how Itachi sees it, anyway," Kisame said. I paused at the mention of his name. Truth be told, my stomach had been in knots from the moment I woke up. Nightmares aside, as that wasn't the only thing eating at me.

"So you want to talk to me about Itachi…" I realized aloud.

"Well he's not much of a talker, if you haven't noticed, so I figure I ought to step in and do some of it for him."

"I'm not so sure he'd like that," I said, apprehensive but secretly dying to hear anything he'd have to say on the matter. It was obvious that Kisame and Itachi were close, so if anyone had any insight into that brooding noggin' of his, it'd be Kisame.

"Heh, look, I'm doing him a favor. Itachi is good at a lot of things but talking to women is not one of them."

"He seems fairly proficient to me…" I said, recalling all the times he expertly challenged me by way of banter and that endearing, quiet smile of his on the occasions I'd been lucky enough to tease it out of him.

Kisame sighed and conceded. "Fine, let me rephrase that, he's alright at talking to you, BUT… and it's a big 'but'…heh... only because you're good at talking to him. Trust me when I say he's not typically a suave guy with the ladies, pretty damn awkward actually. Tends to scare them, I think." He said with a sniff.

I thought back to my first interactions with Itachi, which seemed like eons ago by the way, and visibly cringed at how scarily intimidating I thought he was in the beginning. Now he was just regular intimidating.

My, how things have changed.

"I'm not so sure that I'm good at talking to him, though I certainly like to… I suppose I can see what you're saying though…" I agreed, somewhat, as I humorously imagined Itachi participating in a few rounds of speed dating rather unsuccessfully.

"Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it, the man's been eye-fucking you for weeks now… well, not that he's the only one, but that's besides the point."

"Kisame!" I hissed, my face heating up like a lobster in a pot.

Well that was a hard left turn down Pervert Alley. Thanks for the ride, Kisame.

"What? It's true." He said casually. No big dealio.

"It most certainly is not." I was beginning to think I was morphing into an adder of sorts since I couldn't seem to speak without hissing anymore. "It would never be like that, you guys are all… all... " I found myself stumbling with hesitation, not sure how much I wanted to divulge my girlish insecurities to Kisame.

"Go on, spit it out. What are we?" He seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the whole thing. I bit my lip and stared at him for a moment in contemplation. "Come on, I know you've been stuck in this place with a bunch of testosterone-ridden jocks, so let's have some girl talk." He wiggled in his seat a bit and rested his chin on his finger-laced hands, looking at me with anticipation.

"Pretty sure that term would inherently require you to be a girl for it to be relevant here," I pointed out flatly.

"You've got a wild imagination, put it to use."

I looked him up and down with a laughing scoff. "Not even my imagination is wild enough for that, my dear."

I was lying of course, but the image of Kisame as a woman actually made it more difficult to talk to him about these things. Femme Kisame was scary and she looked like she would suplex me at any given moment.

"Look, I'm trying to help you out here, kid, and if you don't think I'm helping you, trust that I'm helping Itachi at the very least." I could tell he was becoming a bit exhausted by me.

Serves him right. I'll exhaust him all darn day… wait, that didn't come out right...

I conceded with a sigh, if it would help Itachi...

"Ugh, fine. You guys are all sort of... amazing? Like you're all some combination of smart, powerful, attractive, talented…"

"Ooh I like this, keep going."

I glared at him and continued with a cock of my head. "Stubborn, psychotic, emotionally-illiterate, immature-"

"Alright, I get it, I get it…" He laughed quietly and I recalled we were the only ones up and should make it a point to stay quiet if we wanted our conversation to remain private. "So what's your point, exactly?"

"My point is that you guys are all these things and then there's me. There's not a single reason for a single one of you to be eye-whatevering me. I'm not powerful or particularly knowledgeable, not about anything that matters anyway, and I'm not exactly much of a physical specimen… definitely not compared to any kunoichi." I blew a raspberry through a sigh as I squeezed the softness of my tummy and continued racking up the list in my head.

Not to mention clumsy, insecure, naive, danger-prone, oh and there's that random section of hair that's curlier than the rest.

Kisame deadpanned, his palm to his face and head shaking. "This is even worse than I thought."

"What?"

"Has anyone ever told you you're a fucking idiot?" He blurted out.

"I'm sure Hidan has a few times, and look, now you're on the scoreboard too. How's it feel to be in the same category as him?" I asked curtly with a click of my tongue.

"Ugh, God, there are too many things to address here..." he grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose. "For starters, on the topic of Hidan… just stay away from that guy. You want to talk about a scoreboard? He's just looking to add you to his. Also, the word unstable comes to mind."

"You don't need to worry about Hidan, he just tries to get a rise out of me, it's not like he's capable of genuine interest." Kisame just stared wordlessly, his eyes somehow able to say, "you really are a fucking idiot", all on their own.

Okay rude… but also like, a little impressive.

"Besides," I continued, "even if that were the case, what reason do I have to believe the same isn't true of Itachi?" Just saying it out loud was painful, the thought alone even, but that was the answer I was really after.

Kisame stifled a laugh at that. "Oh Izumi, sweet, naive Izumi… you really are in the dark. Thank God you have me, right?"

I rolled my eyes, waiting for him to finish his little spiel. "Enlighten me, Kisame-sama."

"Hey, I like that. Kisame-sama. That's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?" He looked thoughtfully at the ceiling, tapping his index against his chin. I didn't want to know what he was fantasizing about.

"Focus, please," I steered him back on track, snapping my fingers. I was beginning to feel better about how easily distracted I thought I was.

"So, full disclosure, there isn't much of a dating scene when you're in the Akatsuki, as I'm sure you've realized," Kisame said.

I nodded in understanding.

"Some of us need a little… well, I'll call it stress relief, from time to time. A very specific kind of relief. You get what I'm saying?"

He received a hearty eye roll coupled with a blush from me. "Yes… I get it."

"Just checking… with anyone else I'd assume they'd follow but God you're thick sometimes."

"You had a point, I'm sure." I huffed.

"Oh yeah, I did have one of those, thanks Izumi." He grinned. "The point is that sometimes… some of us partake in certain activities in seedy places… no pun intended. Heh. I'll have you know, much to my disappointment I'll add, Itachi is not typically one of those people. That being said, I seriously doubt he's trying to put a notch in his bedpost."

I furrowed my brow at this. "Really? He seemed so… confident?"

"Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he knows his way around the kitchen, so to speak… and as you may very well know by now."

"I don't," I interrupted him quickly.

"Sorry to hear that. Poor guy is probably pent up as hell, the last time he did anything must have been at least… God I can't even remember…" He scratched his head. "Maybe it was when we wer-"

"Oh my lord you can spare me the details!" I was back to hissing.

"Fine," he said with a lazy smile. "How about I get back to my original point?"

"That would be delightful, Kisame."

"Wouldn't it? Alright, so here's what's going to happen... Itachi just can't get out of his own damn way, the man literally will not allow himself happiness. Tortured soul and all that. So what he will do is try to push you away at some point if he starts feeling too warm and fuzzy. My advice to you is don't let him." Kisame, while still half-joking, as was his permanent state of existence, took on a slightly more serious demeanor which I felt gave some weight to what he was saying.

"A. I think you're giving me a lot of credit for the insinuation that I would even be able to provide said 'warm and fuzzies'...and B. Don't let him? I don't even know how I'd go about that. Itachi does what he wants."

"A. No he fucking doesn't if you guys really haven't… ya know… and B.I don't know kid, use some of that charming wit of yours."

I simultaneously grunted and sighed at his comments which made for a very interesting noise.

"You'll figure it out," he assured.

"Ugh… is it really that obvious? How I feel about him?" I asked, fidgeting with my sleeve.

He choked on a laugh. "Well, no more obvious than he is. I may be a little more astute in my observations though, considering I saw you two rubbing your hot little bodies against each other last night."

"Oh my God KISAME!" I covered my face and spun away from him in a fettered whirl.

He produced an annoyingly loud guffaw that ended in a belch, paying me no mind. "Welp, thanks for breakfast, Izumi. Say good morning to Itachi for me, I'll be out in the training yard. Nice girl-talkin' to ya."

"Kisame, wait," I called out before he could make it out the doorway.

"Hm?" Glanced back over his shoulder.

"Why did you tell me all this? What do you get out of it?" I asked with a skeptical undertone.

He smiled with a shrug. "Well you know, it was always my dream to be a matchmaker growing up."

"You're a biscuit-head," I deadpanned.

"Because I wanna get my wingman foot in the door before Sasori does?" he tried again.

"Oh, so now we're worried about Deidara, are we?" I asked.

"He's too young for you."

"He's a year older than me," I corrected.

"Yeah, but men are five years behind women as far as maturity goes so he's basically a 14 year old. Not only is that science but it's gross, Izumi. You don't want to be a pedophile, do you?"

I had a hard time hiding the amusement wrinkling the corners of my eyes.

"You're the gross one." I rolled my eyes.

"You love it," he said, turning to leave with a wave of his hand. I scoffed and he shot me a wide grin before finally leaving.

Maybe I do, what of it?

"Speak of the devil!" I heard a very muted Kisame shout from down the hall. Soon after that Deidara appeared in the kitchen.

"You talkin' about me?" he asked proudly, strolling into the kitchen with his hands in his pockets.

"Well you're certainly no angel," I said, pursing my lips.

"Oh I'm sure he could be, for you." Sasori followed in just behind Deidara. "Couldn't you see him with a halo over that blond hair?" He said, lazily drawing an imaginary ring above Deidara's head in passing before taking a seat and beginning a sudoku.

Deidara grinned and innocently posed his fingers beneath his chin, blinking at me. Yes, he was very cute and yes, I was suddenly very aware of Sasori's "wingman" status. Life was easier when I was oblivious to these things…

Deidara dropped the act quickly as he looked at me for longer than 2 seconds. "Holy freakin' bags, what did you do with Izumi's eyes?" He questioned incredulously, pushing into my space and grabbing my face to get a better look.

"Dei!" I squealed, my voice made odd from having my cheeks pushed together, giving me a wretched case of fish lips.

"Uh-oh, don't let Kisame see her like that, he might realize she's his type," Sasori commented dryly from the table. Deidara barely even tried biting back his laughter at whatever fishy face I had going on. I eventually stopped fighting to pull away, instead reaching out and plucking up two chunks of hair atop his head.

"Halo? Um no, I definitely see you with horns," I said through my squished mouth, regarding him thoughtfully as I imagined it. He released me with a playful grin.

"Yeah, you could say I have a little devil in me." He said prouder yet, arms behind his head.

"Play your cards right and you could have a little devil in you too, Izumi," Sasori said quietly from the corner with a devious little edge, glancing up at me from his Sudoku.

"Hey!" Deidara and I yelled at the same time, though for very different reasons. Deidara was displeased with his partner's choice of the word "little", whereas I was displeased with the entire sentence. Sasori chuckled softly to himself and plotted a number in his puzzle.

"You guys made it too easy…" He said with a shrug and another number on the board. Deidara and Sasori bickered over something regarding ship sizes and ocean movements over breakfast and I milled about, positively oozing nervous energy as I mechanically stirred rice in a pan that had long since been done cooking, my thoughts elsewhere. Each minute that passed without Itachi entering the door set me on edge even more.

"Something wrong, Izumi?" Sasori asked, observant as ever.

"Hm? Oh, no I'm fine…" I chewed my lip, deciding against my better judgement to ask what had been on my mind. "Say, have either of you seen Itachi around this morning?"

"Tch, no." Deidara scowled with a mouthful of rice.

"I think he went straight out to the training grounds this morning," Sasori said absently without looking up. Another number.

Of course he did. He knew that's one place you wouldn't be.

A/N: OOooOOOoOOhhHHh DRAMAAAAA. Kisame is a good lil wingman though :3

Thanks for reading ;) More to come soon!

Also, I drew a little comic of Izumi's imagination of of femme Kisame, go check it out on my tumblr! Same handle as here, fireflylitsky.