I laid on that couch staring at the ceiling for longer than I cared to admit. Sleep tempted me but the nightmares that lied just beyond it abated those desires. My nails were chewed to nublets and the bags beneath my eyes were fit to carry groceries by the time my body physically shut down without any input from my brain.
According to the clock, it was 2:33 am when I jolted upright, tired eyes scanning the room impressively fast, though not as quick as my heart rate which had me feeling like it was auditioning for a drumline. That was an interesting image and I'll admit I dwelled on it a bit too long.
Shockingly, it was not a nightmare that tore me awake, but rather, that haunting feeling of being watched. Again. Yes, the same one I had felt on several occasions, though only deep within the halls, never out in the open common room like this.
You're losing it even more.
I swept the room once, twice, five times… maybe it was just me.
Refer to my previous comment.
I couldn't shake it though, not even as minutes passed by, sitting in quiet speculation, chest tightening with every breath. Something was wrong. I couldn't explain but every bone in my body, all at once, suddenly screamed at me to run.
And I did.
I flounced my way down hall after hall like I had never run a day in my life, which wasn't too far from the truth in all fairness. I knew I wasn't supposed to go see Itachi, but between the sleeplessness, my questionable instincts, and the raw fear causing the blood to pump audibly in my ears, I wasn't exactly in the mindset to make, what we in the biz call, "smart decisions". I just wanted to feel safe, and he was the unfortunate association I had with that word.
I needed to talk to him anyway. No time like the present.
There I was, at his door. I had two reasons to be there, one was the feeling, the very odd, tangible sensation that I had not been alone, but also Itachi. Just Itachi.
You're obsessed. This is a bad idea.
My brain fought with my hand and my hand won out, rapping impatiently against his door.
Nothing.
He's probably sleeping like a normal human does at 3 am. Ya know… like you should be doing.
I felt the swell of anxious energy inside me and I had this crazy notion that just seeing him might dissolve it. Another swift knock. I was bouncing up and down on my toes as I waited, glancing nervously at each end of the hall.
I was about to knock again when I heard his voice from the other side of the door. A murmur from just behind it. "You never were good at following rules…" accented by a sigh and quickly followed up by a louder, impatient tone, "It's late, Izumi. Go back to bed." He did not open the door.
"Please, Itachi… I-I don't feel good. I have a bad feeling," I said, unsure how to explain, especially through the freaking door no less.
"Bed," he ordered again. He sounded tired. Or maybe he was just tired of me.
Well if you're doing this, then really do it. Don't take "no" for an answer, remember?
Oh biscuits. It was a lot harder in real life than it had been in my head. The confidence Kisame had instilled in me must have had a same day expiration date or something because it had gone sour fast. I really should have paid more attention to that. I also couldn't seem to find my invisible hat. Could this night get any worse?
"Itachi, please, I… there's something wrong. Can you let me in?" I pleaded.
A moment of silence passed followed by a click, the sound of the handle turning. It was deja vu as Itachi stood there looking down at me from the space of the cracked door. He didn't have to say anything, his frigid annoyance was written all over his face, demanding an explanation.
"I just… I feel scared… and weird. Like someone is watching me…" I explained, suddenly feeling sweltering hot under his gaze. I tugged at my collar.
"This may come as a shock to you, Izumi, but not everyone takes such an interest in you."
Ouch.
"I… I know that," I felt like I was already fighting back tears. This was not going to be easy, not if he was already on the attack. "I just... it's not the first time I've felt it and… well... I thought you might… help…me?" I winced at the end as his stalwartly stoic countenance didn't shift favorably. I realized how absurd I was sounding the further I went on and I had a feeling, based on Itachi's grimace, that the questions he would hit back with would hit hard. And boy did they. With gusto. And by "gusto" I mean a detached and indignant irritation, of course.
"Izumi," he was pinching the bridge of his nose, but this time it was not out of sexual frustration, just the regular kind.
Disappointing.
He whipped the door open all the way and stepped toward me. I usually enjoyed our size difference as his larger form made me feel safe when he caged himself around me, but now he was looming in a way that intimidated me into stumbling backwards a step.
"What do I need to say to you to get it through your simple head that I do not want you coming here. Hm?" He spoke in a low, tight voice, his words crisply annunciated, all edges and sharpness.
"I just thought…" I started quietly, wringing the fingers of one hand with the other. He cut me off.
"No. You weren't thinking. If you had an ounce of thought in you, you wouldn't be standing in front of me like some child that had a bad dream." He didn't sound angry, he just sounded done. Somehow, that seemed worse.
Where's that backbone…? I know I put it around here somewhere…
"How can you stand to speak like this to me after how you were with me last night?" I pushed out in a huff, wiping an errant tear away roughly with the back of my hand before clenching both my hands into little balls at my sides.
Hey, there it is. Close enough, anyway.
He regarded me silently. His face was placid but I saw his eyes shift over me like he wasn't expecting that, and worse yet, really wishing I hadn't. Now that he was the speechless one, I took a page from his book and just kept going while I had it in me.
"I'm not buying this… this… whatever this is that you're doing!" I whipped my arms in the air in frustration.
"So you've woken me up in the dead of the night to tell me you're in denial?" he bit back calmly, leaning against the door frame.
"I-I think you're the one in denial." I flinched at my stutter but pressed on. "You're pushing me away and I... I don't understand why, but… you can't tell me you don't feel this," I said quietly, losing my edge in an instant, brows arched in a desperate plea, hands pressed and splayed over my heart.
"Tell me what is giving you this impression so I can disassemble it for you." His voice was dangerously low and his eyes darkened by the shadows cast upon them.
Sorry Kisame, but I need some credibility here.
"Kisame warned me you would do this..." I admitted.
"Kisame did, did he?" Itachi reflected on this flatly. "Well let me tell you something about Kisame. Kisame likes to meddle and he thinks he knows more than he does."
Itachi was smart, probably smarter than anyone else I knew. Was it so absurd to think he had Kisame fooled as well? I had taken his advice as fact, as gospel, like no one could have known Itachi better and it couldn't possibly be misinformed, but I was beginning to question if we were both made fools in this game.
I couldn't keep it up much longer. The burning behind my eyes had brought upon the start of welting tears. I really only had one thing in my arsenal and if that didn't work, I feared it would break me to pieces.
"You're lying, you're always a bad liar." I shook my head. Maybe in disbelief at the things he was saying, maybe as a warning to myself to shut up. I wasn't sure.
His mouth set into a taut line, sending me a forbidding look that cautioned me not to push this further.
"It is time for you to leave, Izumi. Now." He spoke slowly and there was a small space between each word that reminded me of when parents reprimand their children in this sort of universal code that indicated it would be the final warning.
It sent a chill down my spine.
He's so close to breaking.
"Itachi…" I said quietly, exasperated, daring to step forward and close the space between us. "You don't need to do this alone… you may not think it, but... you deserve to be loved and I… I" He cut me off.
"Izumi… don't." Itachi commanded in a rush. The look he was casting down quite literally petrified me. It had gone from an apathetic callousness to something different. I wasn't even sure if he realized he'd lost control of that poker face, the cracks showing a glimpse of something beneath. Something filled with dread, defensive and fearful. It reminded me of an animal being backed into a corner.
I shook my head, not breaking our locked gaze defiantly. Both hands reaching up to lay against his chest, fingers gripping into his shirt, scratching against the skin beneath.
His body went rigid beneath my touch, taking in a very controlled breath through his nostrils and holding it there, expressing his most dire warning yet with only the look in his eyes, and a slight, slow shake of his head. Everything inside me told me to shut my mouth and go, but I knew I would regret it forever if I didn't try.
Three words. Three words said with an ache, a plea so desperate for him to not only only hear them, but understand that I meant them. Even if it went against all reason or logic. Even if he was an S-class missing-nin and I was just some girl. I knew for longer than I cared to admit. It was intrinsic, it was palpable in the air around him, this magnetic pull I had felt always edging me closer to him. I had felt it for a long time and it frightened me to my core to finally say it out loud. But I did.
Three words. Three words was all it took for Itachi Uchiha to break, though not in the way I wanted.
The moment they fell from my lips, his face twisted with the worst expression I've ever seen on him. Like he couldn't believe I could be so stupid. That I could make such a careless mistake. Like he could not believe what I was about to make him do.
He started by wrenching my hands away from him, squeezing my wrists painfully tight and walking me back against the wall. His mask had all but shattered and the look of resentment that blared out at me was enough to fracture my heart on the spot.
Looking up at him and being met with the face of someone who looked like they had never hated anyone more, well, I imagine my own resembled someone who had just eaten a lemon.
What have you done, Izumi?
"Love me?" He almost choked on the word, like it was some vile thing that left a bad taste. "You don't even know me. Here is the truth, Izumi. I thought to spare you from it but it sounds like you need to hear it. I was attempting to meet a very base desire while in an inebriated state last night. Such things are usually beneath me, but at the end of the day, I am a man and you were convenient, so yes, I fucked you. You gave it a cute attempt. Let's not make this more than it needs to be."
I had imagined that when the world crumbled from beneath me, it would be this big dramatic thing. An awe-inspiring, chaotic event in which I would pull apart at the seams and float off into a hundred pieces with a dreadful, drawn out tearing noise. But it wasn't that. It was practically silent, in fact. I cringed. That's all. My face, my entire body, somehow all of me cringed simultaneously when he said it. But that was it. I couldn't seem to move, or speak or even blink. The tightness in my chest seemed to spread through my whole body causing it to seize up and just...kind of… stay there. I vaguely felt the warmth of tears streaming down my cheeks. I stared ahead.
"So yes, I fucked you."
He was so matter-of-fact in his frustration. It repeated in my head a thousand times over within the course of a second. He never spoke like that, certainly not to me. It was so beneath him. But so was I now, so perhaps I was just seeing what had been behind the curtain this whole time.
I continued to stare.
"Go," he said, quiet and sour, stepping aside.
I didn't look at him. I couldn't. I was slow in my steps but I managed to move, staring ahead. The door shut behind me. I heard something against it. A thud. A sliding noise. I kept walking down the hall.
I felt dissociated from my body as it made its way through the complex. I had become numb to it all, even that feeling of being watched. But it soon became clear to me that it had, indeed, been true. I rounded a corner and straight ahead of me was that man. That subordinate I had seen on several occasions and the one I always suspected of causing this sense of discomfort.
I kept walking. My alter questioned the move, screaming in the back of my head to go find Hidan or someone, anyone. But I shushed her. I was on autopilot and that felt okay. Besides, Kisame told me he was fine. He even had a name, Eichi. That was a nice enough name, I supposed.
An Aside: Itachi and Kisame
"Uchiha, you in there?" Kisame shouted with a rushed rapping of his knuckles against the bedroom door. He went to push it open after what he considered to be long enough to qualify as a courtesy knock, but it hit against something. Something that produced a sleepy groan.
"Hm?" Itachi mumbled as he snapped awake, quickly standing up from his position on the ground.
Kisame regarded his partner rather curiously as he pushed his way in. "Hey man, I'm not one to tell you how to live your life, but you should really give the bed a shot. You never know, might end up liking it."
Itachi didn't laugh or even let slip an airy look of amusement. It had been a long night and he very much wanted Kisame to get to the point of his early morning visit.
"Alright, so we're not joking today, got it." Kisame said, putting his hands up in mock surrender. "Anyway, I was just seeing if Izumi was in here."
"No. Why would Izumi be in here?" Itachi asked calmly. Kisame rolled his eyes.
"Keh… and I thought we weren't joking around?" Kisame said, raising a knowing brow at Itachi, who only stared back, praying to God his poker face was holding. He'd been having a difficult time with that as of late.
"Okay, fine, have it your way. I'll pretend I don't know what's going on between you two, would that make you feel better?" Kisame asked. Yet another eye roll.
"Why are you looking for her?" Itachi asked, disregarding his partner's question. He was going for calm and collected, his signature look, but he was trying hard not to let on to the fact that the thought of her missing had already sent a spike in his blood pressure.
"So, funny thing, we can't find her anywhere," Kisame said with a sigh, scratching the back of his head.
"What do you mean you can't find her?" Itachi asked a little too quickly, a little too heightened. And he knew it as soon as the words left his lips.
"Is there more than one way to interpret that?" Kisame asked. The smartass. "She mentioned she was gonna talk to you this morning so I was hoping she'd be in here… Man, Pain is gonna flip the fuck out." Kisame said with a heavy sigh, his forehead creasing with worry lines.
Itachi stared at the floor intently like it might have answers and Kisame was not blind to this or his oddly tight voice.
"Oh boy... what do you know?" Kisame asked, clearly on to him. Itachi truly was a bad liar. It was one of the reasons he preferred the silence. It was inherently harder to read.
Itachi's eyes snapped up to meet Kisame's and there was indeed, a strangeness to them. Something odd between fear and guilt.
"I… may have upset her last night." Itachi admitted.
"Upset her how…?" Kisame asked, an accusatory tone to his voice, and for good reason.
"I said some things to her that were… cruel," Itachi said carefully, uncomfortably. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having. He was already embarrassed enough that the events had even transpired in the first place, let alone divulging the details to arguably, his closest companion.
"For fuck's sake, I feel like I'm going fishing and catching minnows here, would you just lay it out on the table for me, man? " Kisame groaned, dragging his fingers down his face in frustration. "I don't know if you recall but she is missing. Kinda on a timeline here."
Itachi frowned with some sort of strained noise in his throat. "It was hard enough saying it the first time."
"The fuck did you say to her, Itachi?" Kisame demanded. Rarely had he seen Itachi on the ropes so it must have been bad.
Itachi breathed out a wave of self-loathing and irritation from his nostrils, lips pressed tightly together in a thin line as if mentally prepping. "I told her to leave," he said, pausing to wet his lips and failing to do so as no moisture existed there at the moment. "...that sleeping together was purely to meet a need, that I was just drunk, and I… said it in a way that would hurt."
"Whoa what?! I'm sorry, can we go back to the part where you guys slept together?!" Kisame hissed, eyes bulging. "When did this happen? Hold on... let me guess, it was the night before last. Because immediately after, you turned into a raging dick. Oh man, it all makes so much sense now." Kisame stared at Itachi, his head shaking in a tutting motion, hands on his hips.
A heady blush overcame Itachi under the scrutiny as he quickly looked to the ground. "You made it seem like you knew…"
"I mean I had hoped, but no. So let me get this straight, you slept with Izumi… Izumi," he repeated for emphasis. "Izumi, the clumsy little mess of a human that couldn't hurt a fly? Izumi, the cute little bubbly thing that takes care of us for some reason? Izumi, the literal nicest person in the world? You slept with her and then told her what?"
"I had no choice, Kisame." Itachi's voice boomed sternly with a warning, uncharacteristically loud for him. If anyone should have understood, it was Kisame. He knew this was no world for Izumi to get involved in. She was too good for it. Someone like her? It would devour her whole and it wouldn't even spit out the bones. He could never forgive himself, he already had enough skeletons in his closet.
"Guess I know why you look like such shit, now." Kisame scoffed.
"I didn't really sleep."
"You always look tired. I meant that you are a huge piece of shit. Like this officially makes you a piece of shit, officially." Kisame clarified.
Itachi frowned, knowing that:
A. That was too many "officially's" for one sentence, but it was neither the time nor place to bring it up. And...
B. He deserved it and then some. He wouldn't bother trying to defend against it.
"Anyway, you chose to fuck her, so what's this about no choice?" Kisame folded his arms and gave him a pointed look, very curious to see how Itachi was going to talk his way out of this one. Itachi stared at Kisame.
On one hand it was obviously a bother to be questioned like this, but at the same time, he hadn't realized how close Izumi and Kisame were. He knew they were friendly and would banter and tease each other out of boredom, but it was oddly endearing to know Kisame found it in him to actually care for the girl behind closed doors. It was so very unlike him. It even seemed like Kisame liked her even more than him. Itachi didn't blame his partner one bit considering he shared a similar stance. Even in the throes of the painful event they were currently navigating, he marvelled at her affect. She truly was impossibly impressive. Never once had he thought it a joke.
"That was a mistake, and I told her such. Kisame I… I don't know how to put this any other way... I fucked up, in a big way..." Itachi said in a manner that alluded to something more. Something with a great deal of guilt behind it beyond what he'd already confessed to. He ran a shaky hand through his hair before tying it low at the base of his neck. Even Kisame wasn't used to seeing this fettered version of Itachi. It was unnerving.
"What'd you do, accidentally put it in the wrong hole?" Kisame speculated, bewildered.
Itachi didn't bother dignifying that with an answer. "I…" he took a second to growl under his breath, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. "I came inside. I was lost in it, I didn't even think to pull out..."
"Fuck dude, you didn't wrap it?" Kisame asked with a wince.
Itachi's expression made it painfully clear that he did not.
"Damn and I thought you were the smart one... Soooo, did she flip out?" Kisame asked, looking all sorts of yeesh.
"No, she… she didn't even mention it," Itachi said, exasperated. "I don't even think it was a thought for her, she was just… happy. I feel like I completely took advantage of her trust..."
"It's probably fine, man. The odds are in your favor." Kisame offered as a small comfort. It was small indeed.
"But what if they're not? The odds, I mean. Can you imagine?" Itachi asked rhetorically, though given the look on his face, closed eyes with a disgusted, weak laugh, it looked like he was imagining it in great detail. "For all I know, I've done nothing but curse her. I'm not long for this world, Kisame… you know that, but she doesn't. To be with her in the little time I have left… and to potentially leave her to raise my child alone." He stared at the floor with disdain, as if he could see his reflection in it. "What I said to her, however cruel… it was merciful compared to a fate such as that."
"You still have that death wish, huh?" Kisame had become oddly somber to match Itachi.
"The medicine doesn't help like it used to. I know my time is approaching. There is no need to burden her with such things."
"Tch, you know if it's not you, it's just going to be someone else." Kisame pointed out with another eye roll.
Itachi cocked his head with a questioning glance. It's not that he hadn't thought it himself, he most certainly did, but he had written it off as a bout of jealousy. Or two. Or ten. It didn't matter, he'd never let on.
"Oh, like you don't notice everything. You'd have to be blind to miss it with Hidan anyway. You wanna take bets on how long it takes for him to lose his temper with her? You think he'll kill her or just maim?"
"Kisame…" Itachi sighed in a scolding way, as if he was being absurd.
"No, I'm serious. You think one of these other fucking guys won't jump at the opporunity to save the damsel in distress? Especially that damsel, the one you distressed? I don't know how merciful it is in reality, just in that twisted, dark head of yours."
Itachi would never divulge to Kisame that he'd thought about this more than he'd like to admit. But Izumi in a relationship with someone like Hidan or Deidara… he knew it would be fleeting, either one would mess it up quickly enough. And he would be close at least. Close enough to keep an eye and step in it need be. That's what he told himself, anyway. He did need to sleep at night, after all.
"Alright fine, I'll do it," Kisame grinned widely, lacing his fingers behind his head. "I know you're too shy to ask, but I'll take one for the team and be with her."
"I wouldn't have needed to go as far as I did if you hadn't encouraged her in the first place. Yes, she told me. So was this your plan all along, Kisame?" Itachi asked, a hint of humor mixed with bitterness.
"Oh no, no, no. Don't you try to pin any of this on me. I didn't put your dick in her."
"Yes, thank you for that uncomfortable image, Kisame…" Itachi sighed deeply. "This isn't helping us find her." He tried to steer them back on track.
"Fair point. Okay, so you said she was scared when she first showed up? something about someone watching her?"
"Yes…" There was that guilty look again. "And I just sent her off on her own..."
And there was that disgust again. Itachi let himself trail off, he had already shown his partner enough weakness, enough emotion for one morning. He felt strange and vulnerable far too often lately, it was uncomfortably forgeign and only ever eased by her,and now he didn't even have that. He couldn't get her face out of his memory, there when she showed up at 3 am. She had been so frightened, it damn near scared him by proxy.
All he had wanted to do was pull her into his chest the moment he saw her. Stop her from making that face. Fix it, whatever it was. He had tried to keep the door closed because he could hear that fear quaking in her voice and he knew the moment he laid eyes on her, he would see it, and it would not be something he would be able to scratch from his memory.
"Hey man, in your defense, she should be safe within these walls." Kisame pointed out.
"I'm concerned she left on her own," Itachi confessed. "She doesn't need to be able to perform jutsu to get out technically, she could just phase through the door."
"Hm true, you were a pretty huge dick. But even so, you really think she'd do that? She strikes me as a rule follower."
"You'd be surprised…" Itachi murmured, mostly to himself.
Kisame raised a brow with an approving sort of look but decided not to touch that in a rare moment of self-restraint.
"So maybe she left to... I don't know, cry outside? I won't pretend to know what girls do. Imagine if we go out there and she's just straight whipping kunai at a picture of your face nailed to a tree." Kisame pondered thoughtfully with a chuckle.
"This feels unnecessary and unproductive," Itachi deadpanned.
"It's called brainstorming." Kisame countered.
"Storming? Kisame, I wouldn't even call that a brain drizzle."
"Hey, that was pretty funny, Itachi. Good for you." Kisame seemed genuinely impressed, nodding and pushing his bottom lip out in a 'not bad' kind of way.
"Can you please focus?" Itachi was back to rubbing his temples.
"Alright, alright... so Deidara has the top down view, we'll have him do a full aerial sweep, the rest of us will sweep the ground. Zetsu can do his weird ass tree shit and a couple people will stay back and keep looking around here in case she shows up. Maybe check the subordinate floor?" Kisame paused, looking up like he had just remembered an important detail.
"Yes?" Itachi prompted impatiently.
"It's just… hm… so there was this time a couple days ago," Kisame began, explaining the incident in which Izumi flung a kunai at his face with her eyes closed. Itachi, despite his dour mood, had to bite back a smile while imagining it. It sounded about right, having been the victim of an attempted assault by way of flying spoon once upon a time.
"So maybe we go check on Eichi, just to be safe." Kisame suggested.
"Hn," Itachi agreed curtly.
A/N:
BIG OOF for my bbs D:
Now I know I don't usually do the changing POV thing, not really a huge fan, but there MAY be times when I really want to highlight an interaction between two characters without Izumi present. Pls tell me if you hate this because I'ma probably do it again in moderation if y'all are cool with it.
Sorry for sad chappie but tonks for reading 3
