50. Hard Talks
I stared at the kitchen table, listening to Sodapop on the phone in the other room and sitting in silence with Darry. He was looking more worried than before, but I didn't know what to tell him. I'd do whatever they wanted if it meant I didn't have to go back to that boy's home. I guess that included talking to some stranger about what had happened. I didn't want to. The thought made my stomach turn over and I wanted to throw up, but I just sat at that table with Darry, neither of us talking, until Sodapop came in, all grins and laughter before he caught sight of us.
"Hey, what's going on?" he cried, punching me gently on the shoulder as he loosened his tie with the other hand. "You get to stay, Pone! Darry, we got him back! And that social worker seems nice. What's wrong?" he asked our brother, ruffling my hair, and I managed a half smile, starting to tell him that nothing was wrong…but Darry spoke up before I could lie.
"That social worker, Ms. Rhodes, gave me the number for a doctor…I gotta make an appointment for him."
Soda lifted an eyebrow and glanced down at me.
"Yeah? What kind of doctor?"
I stood up, stepping around Soda and heading out to our bedroom. Once inside, I changed as fast as I could, throwing the suit over my desk chair and pulling on jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt. When I stepped into the living room, I heard Soda getting loud in the kitchen.
"He doesn't need counseling, Darry! He ain't crazy!"
"No one said he was crazy, Soda," Darry argued, his voice a little softer, sounding almost hurt. "Glory, you think I want to do this to him right now? After everything?"
Choosing that opportunity to spend a little time alone, I left through the front door, closing it softly on my way out, and, shoving my hands in my pockets, I started walking down the street.
I didn't much want to be babysat, not that that was what my friends were doing…still, I wanted to be alone. It was about 10:30, so I headed into town, figuring that Two-Bit and Dal would still be asleep, so there wasn't much chance of me running into them. Johnny was at work, and Steve as going to meet up with Soda, so I was probably safe. It wasn't like I had to be with someone all the time, even though I think that's what Darry would have preferred.
I reached into my pocket, closing my fingers around my blade for a second. I'd grabbed it at the last second. The last thing I had the patience for at the moment were socs…it had been quite a while since I'd seen them around. In the last few weeks, they hadn't been around our side of town. It was the first time I'd even thought of them in months. The last thing I needed was to get in trouble with socs, but I was ready if they decided to bug me.
I always carried a blade now. Just in case.
I headed to the library. It was bigger than the one in New York, but not by much. Plus people around here might recognize me. I grabbed a book at random, taking it upstairs and sitting down in a chair in the corner, hoping I was hidden well enough that no one would bug me.
It worked, but I couldn't focus on the book. It probably didn't help that the book wasn't very interesting, but my mind didn't want to focus on a story. It wanted to go over and over the short conversation with my brother. I knew he was worried about how quickly I gave in to something I obviously didn't want to do. He'd been ready for an argument. But I was so tired. I just wanted to lie down and sleep…sleep without nightmares. Just…sleep. But I couldn't sleep in the library so I tried to focus on the book again. My mind refused.
A doctor. A doctor I'd have to talk to about what had happened at Richard's house. A doctor for crazy people. A doctor for people like the guys who came back from Vietnam barely able to function anymore. That's what that social worker thought of me. She thought I was crazy. Would Darry and Soda think that too? I mean, I know I wasn't the same as before. And I was still trying to get better. What could a doctor do? Give me pills or something? I'd do pretty much anything but I didn't want to take pills. I might put up a fight at that. And Soda might back me up, but Darry was afraid they'd take me again, he'd do just about anything they said. Would he make me? The thought of being a person whose brother had to force pills down his throat made me want to be sick, and I had to close my eyes, suppressing the shudder.
I read for a while, flipping aimlessly through the book until I decided to give up. I walked around the second floor of the library, running my fingers over the spines and failing to find anything interesting. I'd managed to kill almost an hour and it was nearly twelve, so I put the book away, leaving the cool library and wincing at the heat wave that hit me in the face as soon as I stepped outside. I didn't want to go home and talk to my brothers, so I stuck my thumbs in my pocket and made my way to the grocery store.
Johnny was on a ladder, putting something out of a box on the top shelf. I rapped my knuckles against the ladder and Johnny glanced down, the annoyed look dropping as soon as he saw me, changing into a grin. "Hey, man! How was the hearing?"
"Fine. When's your lunch?" I asked, leaning on the shelf. He glanced around, finding the clock on the wall, then looked back at the box.
"Uh…give me ten minutes?"
"Sure." I knocked on the ladder again, wandering around the store for a minute and wishing I had some money. No way I'd be able to get a job for a while, but I wasn't about to ask Darry or Sodapop for money. Not when they'd need to buy stuff for me again…more food and clothes for school and everything. And that doctor. No way that was free. How could they make us do this? How could they make me cost my brothers even more money? The grocery store was pretty empty, just a couple of girls my age in a group looking at some make-up a few aisles over, so I avoided them, keeping my head down and going out the front door and around the side of the building to wait as I usually did.
Johnny met me out back, carrying two sandwiches. He thrust one at me and I took it even though food was the last thing on my mind. None of the gang would let me skip a meal, whether or not I was hungry, so I nibbled at it, both of us taking seats on the milk crates we'd dragged out back. "You want some soda or something?" He asked, and I shook my head.
"Nah."
"How was the hearing? Darry got custody?"
"Yeah…he did." Johnny narrowed his eyes, able to tell immediately that something was wrong.
"What? What happened, Pone?"
I glanced around, not wanting anyone to hear. "The social worker told Darry I had to see a doctor."
"Thought you already saw a doctor."
"Different kind of doctor."
"Yeah?" He asked, holding the sandwich but not taking a bite. I picked at the crust of my own.
"Like…a doctor I'm supposed to talk to…about everything. Like…for crazy people." I told him, my voice dying, but he was shaking his head before I'd even finished.
"You ain't crazy, Pone."
"What if I…"
"Stop. You ain't crazy. We all know that. You went through a lot of stuff but it didn't make you crazy.
"Then why do I got see some doctor for crazy people?" I grumbled.
Johnny hesitated, taking a bite and swallowing, then leaning in. "You know, I don't think they're just for crazy people, Pone. I think…maybe it could even help to talk about it." I gave him a betrayed look, and he kicked me. "Don't look like that. You won't talk about it and keeping it in ain't helping."
"I told the cop pretty much all of it." I reminded him.
"Yeah, but you didn't talk about it."
"I don't want to talk about it. I ain't a girl." I gave him a look and he grinned.
"Didn't say you were. But what you went through was bad, and it might make you feel better."
"I just want to forget about it, Johnny." I admitted softly, and he reached out, grabbing my arm.
"I know, but I don't think you can." He told me. I took another bite, wiping irritably at my eyes.
"It sucks." I muttered, and he nodded.
"Yeah it does." He left it at that, taking a bite of his own sandwich, and we finished the food in silence, him pulling out a pack of cards when we were done. We played until his break was over, and he pocketed the cards again.
"You like this job?" I asked as he was headed back in.
"Yeah. It's like the one we had. Just putting stuff away. Mr. Williams called and gave me a reference and everything. He was great." He grinned, punching my shoulder. "Maybe when Darry lets you get a job, you can work here too."
"Yeah, maybe." I shoved him toward the back door, then emerged from the alley and made my way back towards my house. Wasn't like there was much to do on my own around town. I guess I could have tried to sneak into a movie, but I didn't want to risk getting caught.
"There you are!" My steps faltered when Sodapop came running from the direction of the house, Steve a few steps behind. "Don't do that!"
I was kind of surprised…Soda seemed really upset. "Don't do what?" I asked, lifting an eyebrow.
"Disappear without telling us where you're going."
I glanced at his friend, giving a half grin that he returned, nodding to me. "You and Steve?" Soda rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and not looking amused. "I met Johnny for lunch on his break," I told him.
"We need to talk, Pony."
I felt myself shutting down at the words. "Why?" I didn't want to talk…not about what I was sure he wanted to talk about.
"Look, Darry told me…"
"Don't you have a card game to go to or something?" I asked, hating that Steve was here…that everyone would know that I had to see a doctor for crazy people, no matter what Johnny said. It was bad enough all the guys knew everything else…privacy was pretty much nonexistent. I didn't want to talk about this. I wanted to sleep. I wanted it to be over.
"Yeah, we do. C'mon, Soda." Steve tugged at my brother's arm, apparently reading my tone better than my brother, but Soda shook him off.
"Pony, the social worker just thinks…"
"I don't want to talk about it, Soda." I cut him off, turning toward our house. "Have fun at your card game. Try to win some money," I called over my shoulder.
"We need to talk…"
"No," I cut him off again, ignoring the fact that he was following me. They could force me to go see a doctor, and they might be able to force me to talk to him, but they couldn't force me to talk to Sodapop. I wasn't gonna do that to him.
I hadn't protected Lianne but I could at least protect him.
Soda grabbed my arm, pulling me to an abrupt stop. "Pony, we need to…" I wheeled on him, feeling the frustration build and boil over as I yanked my arm out of his grip.
"I said no!" I stopped just short of shoving him, but I did take a step toward him, fists balled. He took a step back, eyes wide, and I felt the blood drain from my face. I didn't scream at Soda, not in the middle of the street. I didn't put my hands up like I was gonna hurt Soda. I didn't all but threaten my brother who was also my best friend. Dropping my hands, I spun on my heels and took off toward the house, not running but moving fast. He didn't come after me, but I felt their eyes on me until I turned the corner.
Darry found me in our bedroom, sitting on the floor, my knees up to my chin, my fingers tight in my hair at the sides of my head. He didn't say anything at first, even though I knew he was there, just stood there. After a minute, he sat down beside me against the wall, putting a hesitant hand on my back. He didn't ask, though, just sat with me. I knew he was worried.
"You should have let me go back to the boy's home," I told him, my voice flat, and he recoiled like I'd slapped him. He was quiet for a minute, and I thought he was going to yell. When he did speak, he sounded so mad he might as well have.
"What the hell makes you say something like that?" he asked, sounding choked. "After all we've gone through…damn it, Pony…"
"You guys would be better off," I told him simply. "You could go to school and…"
"Stop" he ordered, his voice cold. "I don't know what's gotten into you but it had better stop right there. You hear?"
I didn't answer, just stared at the insides of my eyelids. My fingers were so tight in my hair that it hurt and my hands were shaking. Come to think of it, I was shaking. Was it because Darry was mad? Maybe. I was gonna start crying and I wanted him to leave. I wanted it to be over. I wanted Richard's hold on my life to be gone.
The hand returned to my back and rubbed slow circles, and I had to choke back a sob. Darry knew, though, and put his arms around me. "Just tell me," Darry urged. "C'mon, honey, just tell me."
"He's still hurting me." I choked out, and Darry leaned his head back against the wall, sighing and rubbing my back. It wasn't fair to do this...to drop all this on my brother. He didn't deserve this. But even letting those words out helped a little...let some of the pressure out. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't talk, but I was even more afraid of what would happen if I did talk. "I can't sleep…I'm so tired but I can't sleep. They won't stop. The nightmares won't stop."
"Maybe that doctor can help with that," he suggested, soft and almost tentative.
"I ain't crazy!" I snapped. He didn't rise to the bait, though. Just kept rubbing my back, and the anger left as soon as it came, just like it had with Soda. That worried me and reminded me too much of my bloody fist being pulled back by Johnny in a grocery store. "I don't want to be crazy."
"No one said you were. I don't think you're crazy, Ponyboy. I think you went through something really awful and just…you were alone for a long time. But you aren't anymore. Maybe talking to someone about what happened will make you feel better. And…maybe they can give you something to help you sleep."
I shook my head, pulling away and shaking more. "No. No. I don't want to, Darry." The look I gave him must have scared him, because he caught my shoulders.
"Okay. Hey, I ain't never gonna make you take something if you don't want to, okay?"
"You promise?" I asked, hands still shaking.
He nodded, eyes dark and serious. "I promise."
I accepted it, leaning against the wall again, and his hand went to my back once more. "I yelled at Soda," I admitted, shame making my face hot. "He wanted to talk about the doctor and stuff and I yelled at him."
"You know he can't stay mad at you."
I thought back to the night in the grocery store…of beating a man almost to death and not remembering it. I shuddered and he pulled me closer like I was cold. "Darry?"
"Hm?"
"What if I am?" I whispered it, not meeting his eyes but staring across the room. Normal people didn't do stuff like this. They didn't feel waves of rage that went as fast as they came or shake when someone got too close or have nightmares that kept them up every night. I knew that because I used to be normal. Before Richard. "What if I'm crazy?"
"You're not…"
"What if I am?" I insisted.
He sighed, holding me against his side. "Then we will figure out how to make you better," he told me, his tone reasonable.
And I tried real hard to believe that it was even possible.
Sodapop didn't get home until late, after Darry had already called and scheduled an appointment for me the next day. Apparently, the social workers had already talked to this doctor…they wanted to get me in before school started. I hadn't wanted to talk about it and Darry hadn't pushed, letting me hide in the house all day and not bugging me about it. Two-Bit had come over with Susie for a while, but I'd stayed in my room, and Darry had covered for me, telling them that I wasn't feeling real well. I appreciated it. I didn't want to talk to Two-Bit or anyone else really.
Soda came into the bedroom after I was already lying down, curled up under the blankets. I heard him get undressed and pull on pajamas, then felt him crawl into bed. I knew it was him, but I still stiffened up a little. He lay beside me in silence for a minute, then spoke quietly. "You want me to sleep in the other room?"
My eyes got hot and I shook my head. I didn't want to have this fight, but I knew we had to.
"You want me to stop asking? Stop trying to talk to you? Just butt out?"
I shook my head again, hating that I was crying for the second time in one day. I didn't want those things…but it would be better, I knew, if he did…if he left it alone.
"Cause if you do…it doesn't make a difference. I'm not going to stop. You dig?"
I turned over, hiding my face in his shoulder as he held me, hating that I was sobbing again. I'd turned into a real crybaby. He was crying too, though, which made me feel a little better.
"What did I do, Pony? Why don't you want to talk to me anymore? Are you mad?"
"No," I sobbed into his shoulder, telling him a partial truth.
"Then why? Why won't you talk to me? You used to talk to me about everything. I ain't gonna tell anyone. I promise. I won't tell Steve or anyone. Not even Darry if you don't want me to. You know you can trust me."
"It's gonna hurt," I whispered, the words slipping out against my will, and he stopped, even making his breathing quieter so he could hear me. "It's gonna hurt, Soda."
"What?"
"When I tell you. It's gonna hurt you." He gave a laugh that was more sad that anything I'd heard, arms wrapping even tighter around me. "It's gonna hurt a lot."
He seemed to think for a minute, trying to find his words. Eventually, he did. "It already hurts," he admitted softly. "Knowing what happened…it hurts more than anything in the world…except knowing that you're hurting and won't let me help. That's worse. Wondering…wishing I could help. That's worse. Glory, Pony, you lived it and I couldn't help. But if talking to me might help…I can take it."
He was wrong. I knew my brother. He was one of the toughest guys I knew, only not when it came to me.
"I don't want to hurt you."
He shook his head, running his fingers through my hair. "You're not going to. It's not you hurting me, Pone. It's just sharing what happened. It won't be so heavy if you let me help you carry it."
Heavy. That's what it was. I felt like I was being crushed by all of it. My jaw almost hurt from keeping it clenched to keep the words inside. So I opened it, deciding to give in just a little.
"I almost killed someone," I whispered, forcing the words out of my mouth. "A guy and his friends came into the grocery store where Johnny and I worked. The same guys that had caused trouble for James and his friends. They were bugging Sue and stealing…one of 'em grabbed her. I don't even remember what happened next, but the next thing I remember, I was sitting on top of him. My hands were broken open and he was beat so bad he was almost dead. I thought he was gonna hurt her...like Richard hurt Rita and Lianne. I just kept hitting him until Johnny grabbed me. I would have killed him. What if I am crazy? Or dangerous? What if I hurt someone? What if I hurt you?" The words came out like a wave, pouring out of me until I had nothing left to say, slumping back on the pillow, crying and shaking.
My brother was quiet, but he held me close, rubbing my back and running a hand through my hair. "You aren't crazy, and you wouldn't hurt me," he assured me softly. "You were mad at me earlier, right?" I just nodded. "And you were gonna come at me." I heard him smiling a little. "I thought you might for a second. But you didn't. You stopped. You knew what you were doing."
"But I didn't before…"
"I think you should tell the doctor about this. You don't have to tell him where you were or even where you were working. Just…tell him about it. Maybe he has some answers. I don't…I mean, I'll listen and I think it's gonna help you to talk, but maybe the doctor will have answers. Darry was telling me what the social worker said. This doctor talks to people who've gone through the kind of stuff you went through. Kids from bad homes and bad foster homes. And he helps them."
"I don't want to tell him anything."
"I know," It was more of a comforting noise than a real answer, so I went on, admitting to him something I hadn't wanted to say to anyone else.
"I don't want to be alone with the doctor."
He got quiet then, the arms around me going tight. "Darry has to work tomorrow. He tried to get off, but honestly, we need the money. So I'm gonna be taking you to that doctor. Darry said they probably won't let me go in the room with you when you're talking to him. And that's all that's gonna happen, savvy? Just talking. Darry was real clear about that. All that doctor should do is talk to you. But I'm gonna stay in the other room the whole time, and if anything happens…if you need me for anything, you yell. I know you can yell loud. And I swear, I'll break that door down. You hear?"
I nodded, smiling a little. "I hear."
"Good." He pulled away and lay on the pillow in front of me, stretching and yawning.
"How was the card game?" I asked, desperate to talk about something else, anything else.
He propped his head on his hand and grinned, the heavy atmosphere disappearing. "I won twelve dollars," he gloated, and my eyes went wide.
"Yeah? You cheat?"
He gasped, putting a hand to his chest, and I had to laugh. He was acting like Two-Bit. "Me? Ponyboy Curtis, I'm hurt."
"No, you're a cheater."
He smacked me upside the head. "Shut up and let me tell you the story. So, there we were, Steve, me, Tim, that guy from that other DX…you know…Frank or something, and the guy with the tattoo of a heart on his neck."
"Ah, yes, our good buddy neck-tattoo-guy."
He kicked me but snorted. "Yeah. So it was the final round and I had nothing but aces and queens…glory you should have seen Tim's face."
"Which sleeve did you pull those from?"
"Shut up and listen."
Grinning, I put my head down on my pillow and did just that. And for the first time in days, I slept without nightmares.
