"Uh oh. Does he look angrier than usual? I think he looks angrier than usual." I nervously shifted to walk with Hidan in front of me–my immortal human shield.
Ah, the perks of dating an ageless, deathless, hunk.
Oh lord. Hidan was kind of my boyfriend now, wasn't he?
Now that was weird to think about. It seemed surreal. Me being… well, me. And him being this statuesque muscle man with a perfect smile and face and pretty much everything including his incredible ability to handle me at my worst.
"Relax, he ain't gonna do shit," Hidan assured, reaching back to grab my hand and pull me alongside him, lacing our fingers together. It was so natural for him, all one fluid motion, and I couldn't help but stare down at our hands with a stupid little smile.
Hidan gave a squeeze and tossed me an adoring look. "He's a lowkey member of the Izumi fanclub. Oh hey! Speaking of which, what kind of badges have I earned lately? Musta gotten some new ones, right?" he asked, brightening deviously.
I knew exactly what he wanted badges for.
"Hm…" I hummed aloud, looking up in thought. "Yeah, you've gotten some. You earned the super cutie badge and the… um… the shameless badge. Yeah. Those."
Hidan pursed his lips. "First of all, don't act like I didn't already have that shameless badge," he tutted, angry brows and all. "Secondly… That's it? How about longest orgasm? Best orgasm? Bestest most longest orgasm?"
"Hey, 'super cutie' is a really good badge to have!" I protested with angry brows of my own. "And for the love of beans, Hidan, would you please keep it down? Just because you're shameless, doesn't mean I am," I scolded quickly, glancing anxiously around us.
No passers-by seemed to notice, which was shocking, as Hidan made literally no attempt at speaking quietly on the subject.
He grinned and gave me a look that said 'I'll think about it… but not a lot'.
"Calm your beautiful little tits, sweetheart, no one fucking heard me. Even if they did, worst they'd be is jealou—"
"Hidan," Kakuzu interjected as we got close. "You know plenty of people can read lips, right?"
Oh. That made sense. Definitely seemed like a skill shinobi might pick up over their years. It especially made sense for Kakuzu, old as he was.
Boy, was my face red. That meant he'd just witnessed Hidan ask me for a freaking made-up fanclub badge for 'bestest most longest ograsm'... then something about my tits…
Sometimes, despite having died once, it felt like death couldn't come soon enough.
"Yeah, okay so you can read lips," Hidan sneered. "But can you read this?" He sauntered up, brazenly flipping Kakuzu off with his free hand.
Kakuzu quickly grabbed the finger. "Yes." There was no hesitation as he snapped it back with a cracking noise that had me scuttling away with a cringe and Hidan wailing angrily.
"What the fuck, you fucking cucklord!" Hidan spat, tearing back and cradling his hand to his chest.
"Were you able to read that?" Kakuzu asked without much inflection.
"That actually fucking hurt, dude!" Hidan whined, bending the finger back into place with a wince.
Kakuzu snorted, derisive as always. "Good. Sounds like you managed to read it after all."
"You're a real cock, you know that? A bunch of 'em. A bag of 'em. A fucking shit ton of cocks, that's what you are!" Hidan ranted, and I knew better than to assume it would be over any time soon. "Yeah. A shitty variety too. Buncha smelly, deformed, dirty ones—a whole fucking cock zoo." Hidan fell into a raucous fit of laughter at this. "Oh God," he gasped, still cracking up, "I can't even believe it took me this long to realize how you got your fucking name. Your parents are are fucking legendary, dude."
"Hidan, I swear to God…" Kakuzu ground out, squaring up like he was about to hurt more than just Hidan's finger this time. "I will castrate you, stuff your cock down your throat, and sew your damn mouth shut."
Hidan pulled a face. "Hey, you keep that weird shit of yours away from my mouth."
Notice how he doesn't protest to his own penis in there though.
Yeah, that didn't go over my head.
"Guys!" It was time for me to step in. "Shouldn't we get going?"
"I dunno, ask Cock Zoo," Hidan muttered, folding his arms over his bare chest with a disgruntled huff.
I gave Kakuzu a pleading look to drop it. If either of them were capable, it was him.
Now that his attention was on me though, it didn't seem to waver. His gaze drilled stern and scrutinizing into me, and I felt like if he kept it up, it might actually whittle me down to my bones.
"Wh-what?" I stuttered out defensively, trying to shrink away from the laser-precise stare with no luck. "Why are you looking at me like that? Are you mad at me or something?"
"No." His voice was stony and he offered exactly zero elaboration.
I squinted at him, disbelieving. "Then why are you looking at me like you're considering the best way to remove my fingernails?"
"Pliers work best. Everyone knows that. Teeth work fine in a pinch, I gues–"
I cut him off quickly, "I wasn't actually curious about that!"
Hidan–idly messing with his recently broken finger–approached, giving me a sweeping once-over before looking back at Kakuzu.
He clicked his tongue, shaking his head. "Oh, come on, dude," Hidan balked with realization. "You fucking kidding me?"
"What? Wh-What's wrong?" I gaped, inspecting and patting myself down, bewildered.
After throwing his head back to let out a barking, humorless laugh, Hidan gave Kakuzu an incredulous look. "He thinks I fucking hurt you."
"What?!" My brows were thoroughly furrowed.
"Yeah," Hidan laughed, "He's fucking checking you over. Thinks I'm some sort of horny, raging lunatic that fucked your guts up with my fat cock or something."
Always so subtle…
"Oh my God, Hidan!" My face flashed with heat, hands slapping to cover it. Muffled, I muttered in a rush, "That's n-not…I-I feel fine, Kakuzu!"
Kakuzu snorted. "Like you'd rat him out even if you didn't."
I couldn't even respond. I could barely peek at him through my fingers before shaking my head furiously into my hands.
"Aw, come on," Hidan complained, but not without a smirk, pulling me into him and rubbing my back. "Leave her alone, man. She's fine. I'd be the first fucking person to tell you if she wasn't."
Kakuzu raked over Hidan with scrutiny.
"Look," Hidan sighed, "I was fucking good to her, just ask her yourself."
I whipped around to face Kakuzu, my eyes practically bulging past the fingers they were peeking through. "What?! No! No, don't ask me that! I'm good, can we just go!?"
Hidan mumbled slyly into my ear, "Yeah, you're good alright," causing my cheeks to become so hot they nearly seared my palms.
Either ignoring Hidan or not hearing him, Kakuzu glared at me, growling, "Now you're telling me to get going? You two were the ones who took so fucking long."
"Hey!" Hidan bit back, pushing me behind him, sending a currently unbroken finger to poke at Kauzu's chest. "It's a fucking shrine, it ain't fuckin' going anywhere. It's not even half a day's travel! Untwist your nasty ass granny panties, you geriatric assbag–"
The longer Hidan went on, the more Kakuzu's chest seemed to puff out. I stepped in at the first twitch of his fingers.
"Hidan!" I cried, snatching his arm away, practically dangling from it with effort at first. I clutched it protectively so Kakuzu couldn't destroy it. "Please. Kakuzu, I'm really sorry we're getting such a late start. That's my fault, not Hidan's. He's just being protective. I swear I'm alright and we're ready now, so can't we just go?" I begged, pleading with the biggest eyes I could muster.
Kakuzu stared for a moment. "Fine," he agreed.
He seemed keen to accept that I was intact. I suspected he had no more interest in hearing about my little romp(s) with Hidan than I had in relaying the spicy info.
Like 'expecting to have diarrhea later' amounts of spicy.
God, I hoped not. We'd be on the road.
Amazingly, we managed to make the trip to the shrine by that afternoon without any bowel movements–not on my part, anyway– or additional violence… not physical, anyway. There were definitely some cutting words thrown around, especially as Hidan had become quite tickled about the whole 'Cock Zoo' revelation, which didn't please Kakuzu at all.
By the time we got there, it was the hazy part of afternoon just before evening. It seemed most had left the shrine by then.
"Alright, now go remember something. Be quick about it," Kakuzu ordered, ushering me toward the structure with a pushy hand to my back.
Oh, sure. Now why didn't I think of that?
I stumbled toward it and stood there, staring. It was a pretty, but modest shrine. The structure itself was roofed, held up by four sturdy pillars, the wood ornately carved and embellished, but it was otherwise open to the elements with no walls.
Centered beneath the pitched roof was a fountain. Water spouted from a sculpted brass dragon's mouth and splashed quietly into a pool at it's base.
It was all very lovely to look at and lord did that not help me at all. What the heck was I even supposed to do? I didn't even have a tingle, not a twinge of a memory floating up to the surface of my swimmy little brain.
Glancing over my shoulder, Hidan slouched against a tree on the other side of the pathway.
"You got this, baby," he encouraged from afar as if I were up to bat at my first little league game. Me having to play baseball would have been less painful than this...
I stood there staring at the shrine some more, willing my brain to… I didn't even know… do something? Anything? When that didn't happen, I looked to Kakuzu who was still at my side.
"Um, so, funny thing. I don't actually know what I'm supposed to do at a shrine. Any thoughts?" I asked with a dithery laugh, looking up at him like a lost puppy.
Kakuzu gave me a flickering once over and grunted. "Do I look like a man that visits shrines? Just do what everyone else does."
A quick glance told me the few people still there were packing up. I huffed.
"They're all leaving… I'm not sure–oh. Here comes someone! I'll watch her."
An elderly woman atop of what looked like an equally elderly donkey slowly bumbled up the path behind us. She was muttering under her breath at the animal, cursing it's lazy pace. It nipped at her and I barely managed to stifle a giggle at her nipping back. This lady was a little old spitfire.
"Hey Kakuz–"
Oh. He was gone. And not just casually gone like, 'hm, I'm tired of standing, think I'll have myself a seat', but gone like briskly retreating as if this old woman were a grizzled debt collector and boy did he owe.
I watched, scrutinizing him as he plopped down on a faraway bench in the shade. He shifted awkwardly so he was mostly facing away, but not so much that he couldn't keep a peripheral eye on things.
That was… weird. He was definitely being weird.
As the woman passed by me, I smiled and waved, excusing myself as I stepped out of the way. She flashed a smile in return. It was sweet and genuine, albeit exhausted.
Despite the smile though, she simultaneously wore an almost permanent scowl.
It wasn't her fault really, just age running lines through her tanned skin, hunkering down for good. Her green eyes were deep set beneath brows that had obviously spent their fair share of time furrowed. A dark crease set stubbornly between them as a permanent fixture.
"Good evening," I offered up as a nicety.
I was racking my brain for where I'd seen her before. There was just something about her.
"Is it?" she quipped with a chuckle. Her voice was like sandpaper and as soon as I heard it, I knew.
Hidan was now sprawled beneath that tree, idly inspecting his muscles it would seem… that would take him a while. He was blissfully unaware of the unlikely turn of events unfolding at that very moment.
Probably for the best.
Indeed.
Kakuzu, beneath an entirely different tree, was sitting as rigid as the stone bench beneath him. Arms folded, turned away, yet so very obviously watching what I had assumed was me.
Narcissist.
As I approached though, his eyes straining at their edges did not budge from that old woman. It was to be expected, considering who she was.
I took a seat beside him.
"Hey," I greeted casually, scooching close.
He offered a neutral grunt in response.
"Your feet get tired?" I asked.
"What? No."
"Well, you left pretty quickly. I thought you might have gout or something."
He scoffed. "I don't have gout."
I hummed like I wasn't convinced. "You should stop drinking if you have the gout, you know. Slows recovery. Though I suppos–"
"Izumi. I don't have the fucking gout," he growled.
I didn't actually think he had gout. I just wanted to annoy him into relaxing a bit, but the fact that he was denying it so vehemently made me wonder if he actually did have it... I'd try to remember to check on that later.
I squinted at him suspiciously. "Then why'd you ditch me as soon as that random old lady showed up? Hm? The whole thing reeks of gout, Kakuzu." I shook my head with disapproval.
Kakuzu breathed in deeply and shut his eyes for a moment. He was quite obviously attempting patience. It was kind of cute. "Aren't you supposed to be watching her?" he snapped at me with a curt nod to said random old lady.
"Mm, seems like you're watching her enough for the both of us," I noted with a knowing little look, which earned me a sharp glare. I sighed, "I watched her a bit. She seemed strangely familiar. You know anything about that?"
He crossed his arms, looking away. "No."
Kakuzu was a horrifically bad liar.
"I think it's pretty adorable," I said, smiling and reaching up to pull my fingertip down his forehead, tracing the deep line between Kakuzu's brows. "She has the same thing, you know."
He watched me, eyes deadpan and arms crossed, not even bothering to swat me away. He knew that I knew. Rarely did he give up entirely and just resign himself to take whatever affectionate abuse I had to dish out.
Good. He's starting to learn that such methods are ultimately useless.
"Sometimes you're too observant for your own good," he complained under his breath before threatening quiet and low, "Not a word, Izumi. Not to her. Not to Hidan. Now get your hands off me before you make Hidan jealous. I like him how he is."
"Aw, Kakuzu. That's actually really swee–"
"A good distance away from me," he clarified.
"Oh."
"Yeah. Now go over there and remember something," he ordered with another overwrought nod toward the shrine.
I sighed. "Alright, fine. You're coming with me though."
"I am not," he asserted with a stern glare.
"Please?"
"No."
I huffed. "She'd never suspect anything. You look far too young and studly." I grabbed his wrist and began pulling with some serious effort. It did nothing and he said nothing.
"Come on," I gritted, straining to budge him even an inch. "It's your freaking daughter, this might be your only chance to talk to her."
He chuffed, disgruntled. "What if I don't want to talk to her?"
I chuffed my best impression of his chuff. "What if I called you a big dumb liar?"
"It would be stupid and you would have wasted your breath. Nothing you're not used to."
I gave up, deflating against him.
"I'm not going until you come with me," I declared breathlessly. "So have fun explaining that to Pain when we head back with nothing."
Oh, now that was a dangerous look he gave me. Perhaps I was learning some bad habits from the Akatsuki.
"He'll be upset with you, not me," Kakuzu said with a scoff, brushing me off.
"Oh? Are you sure about that?" I asked keenly, standing my ground. "Because the way I see it, he expects me to screw things up. I'm Izumi, I'm a walnut. But you, you get things done. Right and proper. You're Kakuzu. You're efficient and reliable. What'll he say if you come back with me not knowing anything more because you weren't willing to walk up to the shrine with me? Hm?" I pressed, inwardly feeling very devious and powerful and doing all I could to repress my cheeky smugness.
His eyes intensified on me, flitting across my face as he processed what I was saying. Suddenly, and possibly for the first time, I felt like he was appraising me in a different way. Like he was taking me seriously, like maybe my words carried some weight. That I wasn't just some silly little girl, after all.
"Is this… Izumi, is this a threat right now?" he asked, eyes narrowing.
"No! It's a desperate plea!" I groaned, grabbing at his arm again and yanking uselessly. "Now come on, I'll be with you the whole time."
Kakuzu deadpanned for probably the tenth time that day. In my defense, Hidan was responsible for most prior offenses…
"Izumi. You seem to be operating under the idea that I am a child in need of coddling, despite the fact that between the two of us, you are clearly the child here."
I pursed my lips. "Yeah, but someone has to do it and you, like… never coddle me?" I argued with a shrug, not really sure what point I was trying to make, but it was true enough.
"You're alive aren't you?" he countered.
"Oh! You know what, that's a great idea," I brightened, completely ignoring his comment and talking about my own, not-yet-vocalized idea.
Have I mentioned you're a narcissist?
"When you come over with me, I'll just pretend you're my dad," I said with a reassuring pat to his chest.
"Stop saying 'when' like this is going to happen. And what does that solve?" he demanded, rearing his head back and making a face as if the suggestion alone had a foul stench–impressive, considering I could only really see his eyes.
"You're worried she'll somehow know, right? Well she definitely won't even suspect if it's just little old me and my cranky old dad! Hm, we should take off this headband too," I said, tapping it thoughtfully.
"Ugh… Izumi…" Kakuzu grunted, pinching the bridge of his nose. As far as I was concerned, it looked like the beginning stages of him accepting his fate.
Perfect…
"I'm not going without you. I mean that," I insisted.
He glared. "You know I can just make you go."
"Yeah? How exactly do you plan on doing that?" I called his bluff, hands on my hips. "What can you do to punish me that you'd actually be willing to go through with?"
Kakuzu's eyes flashed with anger. Oh, he was mad–not so much at my defiance, but rather, at how precisely I'd hit the secret little nail on it's softy little head.
I knew he wouldn't do jack beans to me. The cards were on the table, and for the first time, it became painfully clear that I could see his hand… and it was not a good one–not for him anyway.
So yes, that made him mad. So mad, in fact, that he felt inclined to begrudgingly agree to my terms just to get it over quicker.
Double perfect.
"Let's just fucking go, then," he muttered, ripping his headband off and standing abruptly. He glared down at me. "Well?!" he spat, waiting for me to do something.
I couldn't at first, dumbfounded that actually played out just as I'd hoped. I wasn't used to things going according to plan... it was almost suspicious. But I quickly snapped into action, flashing him a bright smile and grabbing his hand.
Practically skipping, much to Kakuzu's ire, I led us over. He dragged behind me with a scuffing gait, and his expression reminded me of a neutered cat forced to wear a cone.
I ignored how clammy his palms were. The closer we got, the more he began to question my plan.
"Do you even know what you're going to say?" he grumbled.
"Nope," I chirped with a squeeze of his hand. With the other, I waved at the old woman who had finally dismounted her donkey with some effort.
"Hello!" I greeted.
As she hitched the donkey to a post, she regarded me with a chuckle. "Well, aren't you friendly and full of energy? Wouldn't mind if you lent some of that to Kakuzu here."
I froze, choking on a cough and some words before I managed to get a few out, albeit tight and squeaky. "Come again? Sorry?"
If she somehow knew already, I was in such deep dooty with Kakuzu…
I felt him go rigid beside me, drenched palm, not breathing and certainly not looking at the woman. No, his eyes were trained on me, somehow bulging and narrowed at the same time.
"The donkey, dear," the old woman clarified with a bout of scratchy laughter. "He's old, could use some pep is all."
Oh sweet Lord. A bazillion thank yous for this mercy upon my stupid little soul.
"So your… your donkey's name is Kakuzu?" I asked.
Yeah, I just really needed to clarify. It felt like my life depended on it based on how tightly Kakuzu was clasping my fingers at that point. Pretty sure he had no idea he was doing it.
God, I miss circulation.
She gave donkey Kakuzu a good pat and it nipped at her. "Yep."
"That's kind of… an unusual name for a donkey, no?" I pressed, finally getting a hold of my nerves.
At this, she burst out laughing. "I suppose it is… don't think about it much anymore. All my donkey's have been named 'Kakuzu'. Bit of a family tradition, you see."
I couldn't help but raise a brow at that, feeling more amused than worried now. "Surely there's a story behind that?"
Kakuzu silently warned me to knock off my incessant prodding with a sharp glint in his eye, but I'd already prodded, so it couldn't be helped.
"Hah. Naturally. Not a long one, mind you," she giggled in a harsh, scraping kind of way, her voice addled with age, though the mischievous shine in her eyes belied her years. "I was a little girl when my mother decided to buy our first donkey. She was a merchant trader–a lot of trips, a lot of travel. You know how it is."
"Sure." I pretended to know things.
"Anyhow, one day she came home with this donkey, right? Named it Kakuzu–my father's name–because according to her, it was, and I quote, 'a good name for an ass'." She cackled, rubbing the animal's rear for good measure.
Uh oh. I knew that wasn't something I should laugh at… but I couldn't even help it. My free hand clapped over my mouth to at least contain it inside me, but even that seemed futile. Her laugh was too contagious, and I'd come down with the giggles hard.
Part of me felt so bad for Kakuzu. There he was, bullied into interacting with his elderly daughter, only to get immediately dunked on by not only her, but also his ex-wife from beyond the grave via petty family tradition.
The other part of me was still laughing really hard. I squeezed his hand and leaned into him apologetically, but that was all I could really do at the moment. I'd have to apologize better later.
"It's okay to laugh," she assured Kakuzu, addressing him directly for the first time. "Never met the guy, died before I was even born. My understanding is he didn't have enough feelings to have 'em be hurt, so don't worry about speaking ill of the dead," she laughed.
My heart promptly lodged itself into my throat. A furtive glance at Kakuzu told me he'd heard her well enough. Would he know how to respond not like he was the target and said shots, but like a normal human?
That made me cringe. I would hardly set the expectation at 'normal human' for any of the Akatsuki in any situation. Certainly not this one. I mentally prepared to swoop in if need be.
"Sounds like you were better off with this kind of ass anyway." Kakuzu vaguely gestured to the donkey which hissed and bared his teeth at him.
I snorted with relief. Good. So he was able to joke about his own fictional death and factual emotional distance.
Kakuzu scowled, appraising it further. "Hn. 'Kakuzu' seems a suitable enough name for a beast." His voice came out shockingly even, if not just a little too calm. I picked up on something mildly heartbreaking in the undertones.
The woman did not pick up on that at all, however. She burst out laughing again, smacking Kakuzu's arm approvingly which he immediately honed in on with an impassive expression. "You folks are certainly making my time at this boring old shrine a bit more interesting today. Must be travelers? Haven't seen you here before."
"Oh, yes! Do you come to this shrine often?" I asked.
"Mhm. Every day. Not much to do when you're an old woman except visit your local shrine and try to squeeze another few years of miserable life out of it," she laughed, somehow warm and gritty all at once.
That was interesting. So she went there every day… I had a sneaking suspicion Kakuzu probably knew that. No wonder he'd wanted us to leave so early–would have avoided her.
Ah, how the pieces come together.
"Well that's perfect!" I chimed. "I've actually never been to a shrine. I basically had to drag my dad here to take me, but now that we're here, I'm… not really sure what to do?"
Her smile was warm as she listened and nodded. "Ah…I see. Well I can help with that. What's your name, dear?"
I told her happily, amazed at how sweet she was despite being the spawn of Kakuzu. There was a lot of him in her, in the lines in her face and the expressions she made, but there was also an outward kindness I wasn't expecting.
Her smile made me wonder what Kakuzu would look like with an expression like that. Maybe one day I'd find out.
Hah. Maybe in hell.
"Pretty name," she said. "You can call me Terumi."
"Oh! Thank you, yours is pretty too!" I gushed, overly excited to get a compliment from Kakuzu's daughter. Somehow it felt like an achievement.
I knew that as an immortal deadbeat dad, the last thing Kakuzu wanted to be confronted with was his own geriatric daughter, but I was kind of having a great time and so was she. And between Kakuzu and I, maybe I was the child, but I also seemed to be the only one that knew this was actually for his own good.
Whether he ever acknowledged or thanked me for it didn't matter, but this was big for him, and I was proud of him.
"So, Izumi," Terumi gestured toward the shrine, "shall we?"
I nodded with a smile. "Yes, of course! I was just hoping to creep on someone to see what I was supposed to do, so this is even better."
At this, she cackled. "No creeping required, dear. There's not much to it, but I'll show you all there is." She shifted her attention to Kakuzu. "Which means we'll be needing your help for the ceremony if we want to do it right. Come now," she ordered, grabbing him by the elbow and pulling him over to the fountain.
I did all I could to bite back my amusement at witnessing the awkwardness that was Kakuzu being handled by his senior child. He didn't dare fight her as she positioned him to kneel on one side of the water-filled basin.
"Izumi, you next," she called, waving me over, and I skipped to comply. "Not every shrine has the same purpose and rituals. This one in particular is for health and longevity," she explained, seating me to kneel across from Kakuzu on the opposite side of the pool. "Drinking from it blesses you with these things."
"Oh, interesting," I murmured, reaching out for the water. Terumi stopped me.
"It is good to drink from the shrine and receive it's blessing. It is better to have the blessing bestowed upon you."
I stared at her, confused, and she laughed at whatever stupid look I had on my face as she knelt beside me, her knees cracking too many times as she did so.
"You there. Her father, yes?" Terumi questioned, looking pointedly at Kakuzu.
Kakuzu grunted with a nod.
"Well, Dad, looks like you'll be bestowing the blessing to us lovely ladies today. Lucky you, hm? It's done with your hands, so I pray they're clean."
"Yes, they're fucki–" his grumbling halted when he caught my tight lipped glare. "They're clean…" he amended, muttering.
"Alright. Come now," she coaxed, reaching over and grabbing his hands. Terumi's thin, leathered skin looked so strange in contrast to Kakuzu's which was rough and scarred, but still youthful.
Kakuzu, under Terumi's guidance, cupped his hands like a bowl and gathered water from the basin. He watched his daughter intently, uncomfortably, far too close for his own comfort. Luckily for him, it did not last long. He tipped his hands forward and she drank from them.
We exchanged a look, Kakuzu and I. His was wildly uncomfortable, but I couldn't fully tamp down my pleased little smile. This was good. This was sweet. I knew this wasn't really his thing, but I hoped it would bring some kind of peace to him.
Terumi, finished with a slurp, wiping her chin and resuming her position next to me. "And that's it. That's the ceremony," she said, shrugging.
"Seems easy enough," I assessed, scooching forward just a little.
"Told you it was simple. Now for Izumi." She gestured for Kakuzu to gather another handful of water, and he did so with an impatient huff. It was quite obvious he couldn't believe he'd been roped into such a stupid thing.
I'm not sorry.
He wasn't a man of religion or even beliefs outside of firmly believing in tax evasion, so I could only imagine how silly this was to him.
Kakuzu held his hands out to me, looking thoroughly done. Leaning in, my face inches from the water, I detected a faint odor and I suspected this was actually a mineral spring. That explained the healing and longevity aspect to it.
My lips hit the water, and the water hit me like a punch to the gut.
It sucked the air out of me. The vision out of me. Whatever senses I had, as crappy as they were, they were stripped like I'd just sucked in bleach to cleanse my every synapse and leave me with nothing but stark whiteness.
It was so bright. Far too bright. And from the brightness came areas of shadow, forming before my eyes like a mist, creating shapes and images–all a blurry mess at first. But it came into focus over time, almost too sharply in fact. With it came voices, noises, people around me, water trickling, licking up my sides. I felt it cool against my skin.
I was standing in it? I was standing in it.
A ceremony… it was a ceremony. Like with Kakuzu and Terumi, but different. Grander. More people, and all of them dressed in flowy garb that floated ethereally in the breeze.
I couldn't seem to focus on any one thing for long enough, it was just a bunch of snippets, flashing images moving too quickly. My hands were so small. The tree we stood beneath dwarfed me further–truly gargantuan and knotted like nothing I'd ever seen.
There were so many faces, all surrounding me, all smiling. My mother–smiling the softest, so pretty–a man beside her, and far more people spectating in a semicircle. All eyes on me.
An elderly man was in the water before me. Hands cupped, extended out, filled with water.
I tried to drink but I was gasping, and then he was hitting me, slapping my face, growling my name.
"Izumi!"
Kakuzu's voice came out of the elder.
Well that certainly didn't seem right… not that the rest made perfect sense.
"Izumi, God damnit. Wake up," he demanded, roughly patting my cheek.
I came to with a gasp, clutching at whatever was in front of me, fingers twisting into Kakuzu's cloak.
It was so disorienting, everything that just happened. I winced, fighting to assess my surroundings with a groan.
It was all just a memory? It was all just a memory.
I'd been pulled onto Kakuzu's lap. Terumi was hunched at his side, hand on his shoulder, gazing down at me with brows pinched in concern. Hidan must have rushed over, that or I was out for a long time, because he was there too, dropped down to his knees beside me looking a bit manic.
Blinking madly, everything started coming together, I realized that what happened was exactly what we needed to happen. Finally, I remembered something. Finally, I wasn't a screw-up.
I breathed out, decompressing into Kakuzu. He was like the human personification of a freaking fortress, and I relished in the safety that came from being within his walls.
Even so, I still felt oddly jarred and in need of gathering my bearings like I'd just been torn through a wind tunnel and jostled about enough to make my temples throb. I breathed heavily again, untwisting my fingers from Kakuzu's cloak in favor of just letting my hand rest there against his heart.
"Kak–" I stopped short of saying his name. Kakuzu's wide-eyed, warning look did wonders to shut me up before 'uzu' made it out of my mouth.
Daughters did not call their fathers by name. And that name was a no-no regardless, unless I was talking to the donkey, of course. I wasn't.
Terumi squinted down and asked bluntly, "Did she just say 'cock'?"
Yep.
That was it–just cock–then silence.
Hell is real and you're there right now.
It wasn't just that I'd said 'cock' and 'cock' alone, either. Oh no, that would have been too merciful. It was also the way in which I said it.
Cock uttered breathlessly.
Cock laced with perplexity.
Cock pontificated with an air of philosophical questioning.
What is cock? Why is cock? How does one truly cock selflessly? I cock, therefore I am.
All of these absurd ramblings tumbled off the tip of my tongue in just one word with that delirious, puzzled inflection I rendered upon it.
Oh, I could have died. I wanted to.
Death by cock.
What a way to go.
Hidan's expression shifted the quickest. He burst out laughing, cutting the tension like it had no right to be there.
"Alright dude," Hidan laughed, wiping his tears, "pass her over here, pretty sure she's asking for me."
"Oh my," Terumi muttered with a blush and an awkward school girl giggle.
"Hidan!" Kakuzu and I both scolded at the same time–his fuming, mine mortified.
"What?!" Hidan defended. "Pretty sure out of everyone here, I'm the person best equipped to give her what she's asking for?" He ended on a rising question and a shrug.
"I wasn't asking for that!" I denied quickly. "I was… I-I… well I–" There was no way to explain this easily.
"Izumi, stop," Kakuzu commanded. "You're going to hurt yourself."
Despite his prior chastising, he shoved me into Hidan's arms who instantly pulled me against him like the protector he was.
"You okay, sweetheart?" Hidan asked with a kiss to my forehead, then my cheek, then the other cheek. I was effectively shut up and forced to endure the intensifying kissy shower with nothing but giggles and squirms as my defense–useless. He pulled back with a grin to actually let me answer.
"Yeah," I laughed wearily. "I'm fine, really."
Curling into the crook of Hidan's neck, I quietly assured him it was just a vision–a memory–and I'd tell them later. He approved with a hum in my ear and a press of lips to my hair.
"I'll go have her eat something," Hidan said to Kakuzu. "Should be good to go after that."
"She got what she needed from here?" Kakuzu questioned.
"Pft, evidently not if she woke up asking for cock…" Hidan muttered, and I twisted to unfurl in his arms like an adder, hissing like one too. He hummed, continuing to muse, "I mean, I guess I could administer an emergency dosag–"
The rest of whatever he was going to say was snuffed out by my hands clapped over his mouth. I could feel his grin against my palm before it even reached his eyes with that devious glint.
I reprimanded him with reddened cheeks before looking to Kakuzu in a huff. "Yes, I think we got what we came for!" I kept my hands over Hidan's mouth until it seemed safe that there would be no more blatant cock talk.
To be fair, you started it.
I definitely hadn't meant to…
Kakuzu nodded, placated by this. "Good. Go eat, then we'll head out." He seemed very ready to go. The miniscule allotment for social interaction he could withstand had long been exceeded, and I could see the stress from it in his eyes alone.
"Suppose I should be off too," Terumi sighed gruffly, beginning to unhitch the donkey. "Before Kakuzu here gets to be a real asshole, anyway. Cranky old bastard, he is, especially when it gets late."
Hidan's mouth fell open as he choked down a laugh, clearly waiting to see if Kakuzu was going to turn this poor old lady into pulp, but his silence couldn't hold. A torrential outpouring of cackles left him shaking and nonverbal.
As much as I shouldn't have, I couldn't help but join in. Kakuzu looked none too pleased, especially seeing as Hidan was not in on our ruse, and could ruin it at any given moment with any flippant comment–Hidan's favorite type of comment, by the way.
"Dude!" Hidan wheezed, still dying laughing. "That old bag only met you for like two seconds and she already–"
Kakuzu's face verged on panic as much as it could beneath the mask. I could see it shaky in his eyes though, a certain strained helplessness that looked so foreign there beneath his pinched brows. He couldn't just pound Hidan into paste–Kakuzu's go-to method of shutting him up– because Hidan was holding me.
I nearly laughed aloud at the thought of me coming to Kakuzu's rescue. That was not our usual dynamic to put it generously, but it was clear it'd be up to me to stop Hidan from saying anything too reckless.
I certainly couldn't, nor did I want to, pound Hidan into paste. Between the two of us, Hidan was the one that did the pounding, and paste wasn't quite right, 'boneless whimpering mess' might have been more accurate. My thoughts kept traveling back to last night and the morn–
You're getting distracted.
Oh yeah. I had to shut him up, not that I had much in my arsenal. Slapping my hands over his mouth would have only raised suspicions. Simply telling him to stop talking wouldn't work either. I needed to distract him…
Quickly, Hidan still mid-sentence, I grabbed his face and pulled his lips to mine, immediately running my tongue to beg for entry.
Hidan seemed to no longer care about Kakuzu's existence. There was a quick intake of breath through his nose, fingers curling tight around me. It took a brief moment for him to register what was happening, then immediately fell into rhythm, his mouth falling open with a sigh and overtaking mine in an instant.
You're welcome, Kakuzu.
Ah, yes. I was so self-sacrificing, kissing Hidan like that. My fingers running through his hair, gripping it to pull harder against him. It wasn't like I'd been dying to do that all day or anything.
"My, they're uh, affectionate," Terumi snorted.
The reminder that all eyes were on Hidan and I making out was plenty for me to break the breathless kiss.
"Yes, and they're leaving," Kakuzu said pointedly, throwing me a look somewhere in between grateful and disapproving.
Hey. I did what I could, Dad.
"Yes! Leaving!" I agreed, somewhat muffled with Hidan still pecking at me. "Thanks for bringing me here," I said, giving Kakuzu a small, thankful smile. "That was really sweet of you."
He scoffed, shaking his head. "You make it sound as if I had a choice."
Terumi cut in with a cackle. "Hah! As if choice exists when she's got a face like that."
Hidan snorted. "Yeah, that's her fucking kekkei genkai. Big, stupid puppy dog eyes you can't say 'no' to."
I rolled my apparently big, stupid eyes and regarded Terumi. "It was really nice meeting you. Thank you so much for everything! Oh, and I'm super sorry for the dramatics... I swear I don't usually just up and pass out like that," I apologized with a nervous laugh.
Hidan and Kakuzu both shot me a scrutinizing, brow-raised look.
"That's true," Kakuzu ended up agreeing, which I appreciated. "Typically it's worse."
That's it. No more appreciation.
I scrunched my face at him which did not have the biting affect I hoped for. It never did.
Terumi laughed, thanking me for providing the free entertainment. Guess I was good for something at least.
I watched her and Kakuzu exchange a few words as Hidan ferried me away. They spoke longer than expected. I had the swallow down my heart which was annoyingly trying to beat it's way up my throat when I saw him hold something out to her–a small pouch.
It was something he picked up off the ground and acted like he'd just found it. Technically he had, yes, but even more technically, it was something he'd dropped there to begin with. Something that would help her live a more comfortable life, however long it may be.
She tried to refuse it, probably claiming it wasn't hers. Surely Kakuzu was saying the same thing. As she unhitched Donkey Kakuzu and heaved herself onto it, Person Kakuzu discreetly made sure the pouch made its way into her stuff. She'd find it when she was home and no one would be the wiser.
Except me, of course.
With that, she was off. She'd go back home and maybe think fondly on the odd pair of strangers she'd met that day. It was just a blip on her radar, not even the blink of an eye in the context of her whole life. But it was more than Kakuzu was to her before.
With my chin on Hidan's shoulder, I watched Kakuzu watch her. He was perfectly still and unblinking, looking on with a mask of stoicism until her form dipped from sight down the winding path.
He stood there a moment longer before his chest heaved with a single, large breath. He closed his eyes, exhaled, and reset his gaze on Hidan and I, moving to join us.
By the time he made it over, I was sitting against a tree, munching on a rice ball. I patted the ground next to me for him to sit.
"No, we better go," he said, his voice sounding more tired than usual. "The sun is setting and we still need to find a spot to camp."
"What's wrong, Kakuzu? Mad you couldn't get a date?" Hidan jeered. "Gotta say though, nice to see you going after someone more your own fucking age–"
Without a word of warning from Kakuzu, Hidan's head was suddenly being slammed into a tree. Then there was a lot of yelling from Hidan. Something about Kakuzu being an old taint raisin if I heard him correctly. I wasn't sure what that was, but I finished my rice ball as they fought, and they would have gone further had I not put the kibosh on it.
It didn't take much, just a weary hand on Hidan's leg and telling him through a yawn that I was tired. He looked at me, blinked, and all but forgot what he'd been wailing about as he took to wrapping me up in his limbs and affection.
"Aw, how can I help, baby girl?" he asked, collapsing around me and pulling me onto his lap, burying his face into my hair and breathing in deeply. It was nice to see I wasn't the only clingy one.
"Will you carry me to wherever we make camp?" I asked, rather pathetically, to tell the truth. I usually tried to do as much as I could on my own, but I was too comfy in his arms and I didn't want to move.
"Of course I will," he soothed with his fingers edging into my hair and scratching gently at the roots. "I'm your man. That's what I'm here for, sweetheart."
God, he made my stomach feel like it might actually fly away from the criminal amount of fluttering he caused it in. I decompressed against him, closing my eyes, thinking of the disjointed visions I'd had and trying to tease them apart as we took our leave in silence.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Life has been hectic and winter is depressing. I continue to write, just slower. Based on reviews, I have about 3 people reading this lol, so to you guys… I hope you're all doing well :3
