Kakuzu, who was nearly as finicky about camping spots as he was money, blessed us by deeming a nearby clearing acceptable with almost no fuss. Hidan set me down on a giant shelf of a rock, bundling me in his cloak and dotting my forehead with a peck before he and Kakuzu took to the surrounding forest to scrounge up firewood.
The air had a chill to it now that it was fully night, and while I kind of couldn't wait to crawl into the warmth of my bed roll, I was enjoying the free smooches I'd get each time Hidan had to pass by me.
They usually came with a smile, sometimes a wink, and subsequently, a lot of blushing and uncontrollable smiles of my own. It was kind of surreal, that he was still this doting. I had half expected us to leave that town and have some sort of veil lifted, for him to come to his senses, take one look at me and realize his whoopsie.
Nope. Not yet, anyway.
I honestly wasn't looking to question it, so lucky me, I supposed.
Hidan was too cute as he watched the fire he built get lit aflame by Kakuzu. He looked so proud, and it really was a very good fire–chaotic and robust, like him.
"You cold, baby girl?" he asked, glancing over as he began unfurling our sleeping mats by the blaze.
"Not horribly," I assured, ruffling the cloak in a way to suggest it was doing a decent job.
"Not horribly? The hell is that?" he asked–disgusted–and kept going before I could respond. "Not good enough, that's that that is. Give me a second, sweetheart, I got an idea."
Kakuzu groaned under his breath as he set up his own spot, surely at the thought of Hidan having an idea.
Hidan, not noticing or caring about this, flashed me the most endearing look of excitement as he grabbed my bed roll and yanked it over to his. Dropping onto all fours, tongue peeking between his lips as he worked hastily at combining the two into one mega bed roll.
Suddenly I was looking forward to curling up in there even more.
"Eh?" Hidan questioned, clearly pleased with himself as he stood, brushing his hands together and admiring his handiwork. "Whaddaya think? Pretty good, right?"
"I think 'pretty good' is a pretty big understatement," I said, smiling. The thought of a cozy night's sleep wrapped up in Hidan sounded like the best kind of medicine to me.
"Glad you think so," he murmured, biting his lip as he sauntered over to me, firelight burning in his eyes. It was a half-shadowed, inscrutable look with an intensity that had me wondering what was going through that head of his.
"What's this look for?" I asked more quietly than intended, the breath flushing out of me beneath the weight of his stare. He leaned down, hands pressed against the rock on either side of me, face inches from my own, and his gaze was unwavering as he held mine like that.
"For you," he eventually elaborated in the most unhelpful of ways. My already waning breath was left to simply catch in my throat as he closed the space between us, ensnaring me in a kiss.
Medicine. Yes. It did feel like that. I drank it greedily.
Grabbing my hands, he pulled them to loop around his neck in a wordless directive to hold on, then his fingers were weaseling beneath my thighs and hoisting me up. I held tight, squeezing my legs around his waist as he carried me over to the sleeping mats, all the while enjoying the comfort of his lips, wishing for more when he finally broke away.
"I know it's no cushy brothel, but maybe I can make a decent enough bed for you tonight," he offered, setting me down to stand. It came out sweet with a shocking lack of sexual undertone.
Regardless, I had to laugh. "Pffft, you'd make a terrible bed!" I punctuated it with a smack to his stupidly built frame.
Hidan's jaw dropped like it was the betrayal of the century. "Ouch, what the hell? Thought you were my girlfriend, damn." But he wasn't a good enough actor to tamp down the amused quirk of his lips.
"I-I am!" I shouted a little too quickly, causing his smirk to stretch into something a lot toothier. "I just meant you're too hard!"
"Heh… yeah I am." Suddenly his eyebrows were doing a very wiggly dance and I knew just where this was going.
"Not like that!" I scolded quickly, trying to head him off before he could say something that turned me into a tomato or made Kakuzu shove his perfect face into the ground. "I meant your muscles!"
"The dick is a muscle," he asserted, giving me a look like 'you should know'.
Ugh. It was tomato time.
"Yes, but–"
He cut me off to double down, "the dick is the strongest muscle in the human body, sweetheart."
"Wha–no. Where are you getting that from?"
He grinned, tapping his temple. "Personal experience."
Kakuzu suddenly stood, grumbling something about being too old as he stalked off into the woods. He halted before passing too far beyond the tree line, still visible as a gloomy figure with his back to us.
Ah. So he was peeing.
Hidan mused, "Yeah, I could piss," before taking off into the shadows beside Kakuzu. I plopped down contently by the fire, not desiring to pee with the boys. Having to listen to them was enough of an experience in it's own right.
Kakuzu began complaining as soon as Hidan stopped near him. "There's an entire forest, Hidan. Don't stand so close to me."
"Come on, man. It's fucking dark and scary out here," Hidan whined, unfettered by his partner's request. A second tinkling stream soon joined the first in spraying against the ground, coupled with a deeply relieved groan from Hidan.
"Hidan…" Kakuzu growled a warning, shuffling away from him.
"What? Oh whoa, nice cock, bro," Hidan remarked with a long whistle as he leered over at Kakuzu.
Aw, that was… kind of sweet… I supposed? I wouldn't pretend to know if comments like that were considered normal passed between men, I was just grateful Hidan was being nice for once.
A split second later I nearly jumped out of my skin, startled by the splintering crash of Hidan's body being plowed through several trees at the other end of Kakuzu's detached hand.
"How many times have I told you to stop saying that shit to me!" Kakuzu's continued berating was nearly drowned out by Hidan's incessant laughter as he tried to stand up, only to be further shoved back into the dirt.
Impressively enough, the steady stream of urine hitting the crunchy forest floor did not pause at any point during the altercation on Kakuzu's end. Ever the seasoned professional.
I sighed, poking at the fire with a big stick and absently wondering how often Hidan commented on Kakuzu's genitalia to earn that response.
"Why the fuck not? It's a compliment dude," Hidan protested, brushing muck off his cheek with a drag of his forearm.
Kakuzu didn't spare him so much as a glance, growling, "You're just being a jackass, you couldn't see shit from where you were."
"Are you saying it's not a nice cock then?" Hidan asked incredulously, stepping in front of him, forcing some attention out of his partner.
Kakuzu met Hidan with a repugnant glare, holding it for several seconds before his eyes averted. "...No," he grumbled, scowling deeply.
"Yeah, that's what I fucking thought," Hidan laughed, casually backhand slapping Kakuzu's chest like some sort victorious I told you so.
Yep, Kakuzu wasn't having any of that. Another bout of violence had Hidan's face becoming part of the landscape several more times. I suspected the point was to stop him from cackling like that, but it only seemed to make him lose his beans even more.
I was going to have to step in.
"Boys?" I called out sternly and was met with silence. Yeah, they knew they were in trouble. "Hidan, stop commenting on Kakuzu's anatomy, and Kakuzu, you do need to work on taking compliments!"
Kakuzu was the first to come back. A chuckling, dirt and blood covered Hidan swaggered out not too far behind him, cracking his neck back into place.
Throwing me a defiant look, Kakuzu asserted, "I know how to take a compliment. Hidan doesn't know how to give one."
I pursed my lips. There was some truth to it. Looking over at a guy taking a leak and alerting him to the niceness of his penis probably wasn't exactly up there as far as social acceptability went… but still, sometimes with Hidan, you had to make some small concessions.
"You've completely ignored every compliment I've given you, and mine were far nicer than Hidan's," I pointed out.
Kakuzu grunted. So that was that.
"Baby, Kakuzu is being mean to me," Hidan whined like I was supposed to do something about it. "I think he made me pee on myself."
I huffed, of course he did. "Better go wash your pants in the river then. I'd like to sleep next to you not covered in urine, please."
"Aw, shit…" Hidan muttered, sulking away.
He returned quickly and entirely naked, which earned him more angry bemoaning from Kakuzu and brightly flushed cheeks from me… and also possibly some googly eyes, just a little ogling. Not too much. But really, was there such a thing as too much?
"What?!" Hidan balked, flashing us a finely-sculpted ass as he turned to hang his clothes. "It's nothing you guys haven't seen for fuck's sake. They gotta dry somehow, don't they?" he rebutted, adjusting his dripping pants near the fire before crawling into the sleeping bag with his thingy swingin'.
Kakuzu raised a brow at him. "Don't think I'm letting Izumi get in there with you like that."
Hidan made a face. "Tch, why not?"
Kakuzu glared at him, deadpan, as if to say, 'Is that really a fucking question, you horny bastard?'
Hidan laughed, "Oh please, like if we wanted to fuck, I couldn't just fucking whip my dick out anyway? Like pants would have stopped me?"
No doubts here.
"Oh my God, Hidan!" I shrilled, clapping my hands over my face. Why was he always like this?
"Kakuzu you shit, look what you did!" Hidan yelled, gesturing to me, "you're getting her all upset!"
"Me?!" Kakuzu snarled, making a motion to get up–probably to grind Hidan into the dirt again.
"Hidan," I interjected quickly, jumping up and positioning myself between them with a hand on Kakuzu's shoulder–as if that would keep him seated.
Hah.
"Please just… why don't you go to bed, Hidan? I'll wake you up and join you when your pants are dry, okay?"
"Aw, come on baby," Hidan whined, exasperated. "You don't have to listen to him, not like he's your fucking Dad."
Now that's just funny, all things considered.
"Well I don't have one of those, so maybe he's the closest I'll get," I countered with a huff, flopping against Kakuzu from behind, arms clasping around his collar and chin resting on his shoulder.
Hidan scowled and tore the sleeping bag over his head. His voice was muffled as she shouted from inside it. "Fine, have fun gossiping about me. I'm fucking tired anyway."
Kakuzu snorted–part derision, part amusement–with a half-hearted roll of his shoulders to loose me from him. He didn't try too hard to shrug me off, so I didn't move too quickly to comply. I was enjoying making him feel something, because despite the obviousness that a part of him was uncomfortable with it, I refused to believe a larger part didn't need that hug.
He'd had a hard day too.
I took my time in lazily peeling myself from him. "Don't go anywhere, okay?" I said, sneaking a quick peck onto his cowled cheek before padding over to where Hidan was before I could be grumbled at.
"Hey you," I whispered, peeling back the blanket cocoon to see his face. He looked genuinely upset and my hands worked to smooth out the lines of his scowl while my lips took to his forehead. "Don't be mad at me. I'll come to bed as soon as I can, alright?"
Hidan sighed. "This isn't mad, baby girl," he murmured, closing his eyes and grabbing a wrist to pull my hand to his lips, dusting kisses across my knuckles. "Tired. Just wanna lay with you. Sorry I fucked it up like usual."
I shook my head, brows knitted, and assured him he hadn't, showering him with a bit more affection as he looked to be in desperate need of it. "You know I love you, right?" I reminded softly, my free hand finger-combing through his silvery hair.
"Mm, no, I forgot. Remind me again?" he mumbled against my knuckles, continuing with the barrage of kisses.
And so I did, in between returning the gesture with soft pecks to each closed eyelid, his forehead, tip of his nose, lips, and ending with another little reassurance, "I'll come to bed as soon as I can."
"How about now?" he perked hopefully.
"Hidan…" I tutted, half-hearted. "We've been kind of annoyingly affectionate, and Kakuzu has been shockingly tolerant. I'd like to keep the peace, okay?"
He sighed, now lazily pretending to gnaw on my knuckles, resigning himself to mutter, "Fine, you've got the big brain. Guess I'll trust it more than mine."
I laughed. "Your brain is big too, you know, you just don't like to use it so much."
"It's a lot of work," he justified.
"I know it is. Now give it some rest, please."
Difficult as it was to break away from him looking so softened by both the firelight glow and the affection he was far from used to, I eventually did, making my way back over to Kakuzu who was sitting on his mat, staring blankly into the flames.
I sighed, kneeling behind him and tapping his shoulders. "You know the drill."
He made a noise as if he disapproved, but actions spoke louder than guttural noises, and he otherwise silently removed his head coverings. I took to fanning his hair out to begin our little ritual.
When he went a few minutes without so much as a grumble, even when I'd hit a snag–highly unusual–I dared to sneak a peek at his face, and was pleasantly surprised to see his eyes were closed, a sort of blank, peaceful expression ironing out the usual grimace and severe angle of his brows.
Hidan was already snoring, of course. It sounded like someone was sawing down a freaking tree. What was it with these Akatsuki boys and the snoring? Hidan seriously gave Kisame a run for his money.
"So…" I began, finger-combing down Kakuzu's scalp, "How are you feeling?"
He scoffed. "Why are you asking me a useless question like that? I'm in perfect health and I still don't have gout."
"Ah yes," I mused agreeably, "nothing out of the ordinary happened today, right? You didn't, by chance, run into your long-lost elderly daughter or anything? That kind of thing can be–"
"Izumi…" Kakuzu warned.
"He's asleep," I soothed, knowing he wouldn't want Hidan's ears anywhere near this conversation. I added quietly, "You didn't seem too surprised to see her there."
He didn't say anything.
"I think it was really sweet, what you did for her."
"What? Pour some dirty water down her throat?"
I snorted. "Yes. The dirty water. That's exactly what I was talking about. Nailed it."
He fell silent once more with an annoyed shake of his head.
"I'm just saying, I thought it went really well," I defended innocently.
"What do you want me to say, Izumi?" Kakuzu snapped. "That it was therapeutic?"
I brightened, "Ohhh, that'd be a good start!"
He let out a derisive snort. "I don't need the things you think I do."
"Who said anything about need?"
He said nothing, but I was almost certain I heard his eyes rolling back in his skull.
I huffed. "Look… if you only let yourself have the things you need–food, water, shelter–you'd be no different than an animal."
"Sounds about right," he dismissed.
"Kakuzu…" I sighed, exhausted. "You are not a donkey, okay? You are a person. One who's lived a very long, complicated life." I had to stop myself from pointing out the fact that he probably had a lot of complex feelings develop over that long life as well. That would be too much to acknowledge though, regardless of its truth. "But I do have to say… that whole donkey thing was just a teensy bit funny."
A deep, gravelly noise, not unlike a growl–though I knew it to be something akin to a laugh–rumbled in Kakuzu's chest. "Yes, well, it does sound like something my ex-wife would do. She was funny like that."
"Something your daughter inherited, apparently."
"Hm."
"Still got your scowl though," I teased.
He agreed, "Unfortunately for her."
"Eh," I said, shrugging. "You both wear it pretty well. Wouldn't be the same without it."
He had nothing more to say, but that was fine, I was happy to be chatty enough for the two of us. Pulling the brush through his thick length of hair with ease now, I sectioned it out and went to work on the braid.
"And about what you gave her, it's not like I'm going to tell anyone," I assured with a light scratch to his scalp. "I just thought it was cute. I was proud. Also, on a totally different note, she was hilarious and amazing and I think we should plan a trip to accidentally run into her again when things settle down."
Kakuzu let out a snort. "When things settle? Between you and Hidan I can't see that happening any time soon. Now that you're fixed he thinks it's his turn to be a pain in my ass."
"Ah… yeah, Hidan. He's a handful, alright," I said with affection. Hidan was a handful, but he was my handful now, so I was kind of okay with that.
Kakuzu agreed with a grunt. I finished tying the braid and brought it over his shoulder, knowing he liked to fiddle with the fringe.
Resting my hands on his shoulders, I rubbed absently as I stared over at the loud lump that was Hidan, his silver hair peeking out from the blanket. "He mentioned he talked to you about his problem…" I said, my voice dropping into something lower, something more serious. "You will help him, won't you, Kakuzu?"
Kakuzu also glanced over at Hidan's sleeping form, but met me with more strained silence. I slumped over his back once more, squeezing around his collar like a plea for him to be nice, just this once.
"He admires you in a way, you know. Looks up to you. It may not seem like it, but he really cares about you, he just doesn't know how to show it. We're working on that," I said, feeling a strong sense of deja vu. I was pretty sure I'd had this exact conversation with Hidan with a flipped script.
Another scoff from Kakuzu. "He's an overgrown imbecile."
"Mhm, one that needs your help," I agreed, knowing arguing wasn't going to get me anywhere.
Hidan wasn't actually an idiot, in fact he was rather clever and intuitive when he wanted to be. It was simply that no one ever expected more from him, and he wasn't the type to feel any obligation in fighting against whatever preconceived notions they had. But I'd seen him pick up on the tiniest of nuances plenty of times when it came to me, when it was something he cared about.
"I'm not sure anyone can help him," Kakuzu eventually said, clipped and flat, staring hard at the fire.
"Don't say that," I pleaded quietly. "You know as well as I do that you're all he really has in the way of friends."
"We're not friends."
"I know, I know… you're immortal enemies," I mused dubiously. "You hate each other's guts and are always fighting, getting meals together, spending most of your time together, cracking jokes about your gross tentacle beard, chatting about meaningless garbage with each other. Totally not friends. I understand."
"Izumi…" He was clearly annoyed that saying my name in a cranky way was his only counter argument.
"Kakuzu…" I thought I'd give it a try, too.
"Get off me." He rolled his shoulders.
I squeezed them and pouted, "But I'm cold and I'm not allowed to get into bed because you made Hidan pee on himself."
"I did not make him–" he cut himself off, breathing in deeply through his nose like it might stop him from giving me the people's elbow. "Fine. Get off me and I'll give you my cloak too."
"Really?"
"If it'll get you off me."
"You must really hate me, huh?" I asked, amused, finally letting up on my hold.
"Really hate. Yes. That sounds accurate," he muttered, tugging off the garment and shoving it onto me like an impatient child dressing a doll.
I smiled up at him, drowning in not one, but two oversized Akatsuki cloaks. "You're funny, Kakuzu."
He chuffed at the notion. It clearly wasn't something he was told often–probably only by Hidan, otherwise. Sitting down, I scooted up against him to at least steal some warmth through my arm. It only earned me a brief glare, so I figured it was acceptable.
A long stretch of silence passed between us, the harshness of it softened by the ambience of the crackling coals and firelight. Despite its controlled, comfy warmth, I had a hard time looking at it without feeling like I'd been tossed into one of my nightmares. Like there was the shadow of a man tucked deep into the embers, flickering, beckoning.
I knew logically that there was not a tiny man inside the fire calling me forth, but that did not stop me from seeing him. I sighed. Hallucinations simply would not do.
"Hey, Kakuzu?"
Now he sighed. "You've never once said that and followed up with anything good," he dismissed, not sparing me a glance.
"Mm… I just… Do you know what Orochimaru looks like?" I asked quietly, chewing at the inside of my cheek.
Kakuzu went still before letting his gaze fall on me. "What makes you ask that?"
I hesitated, taking a breath. "I've been… well, you know how my memory seal broke when I died?"
He nodded.
"I've been seeing a man in my dreams–well, nightmares I guess. Anyway… I just have a really awful feeling about it… about him."
Kakuzu's eyes drilled into me like no one else's could. He was an absolute master of the unblinking death stare. "So are you going to describe who you've been seeing or not?" he asked, annoyed that he even needed to. Like I should have just known to spew it all out.
"Sorry… I–"
"And what have I told you about apologizing, Izumi?" he snapped, that mean look on his face.
I cringed, feeling especially fragile for some reason. The fire, the visions… they were certainly putting me in a mood. "Sor–never mind. You're right, it's stupid. Sorry." I scooted a few inches away and pulled my knees to my chest, staring down the man in the fire–so rudely staring back.
I heard the harsh sigh of air scraping out of Kakuzu and I could imagine all too well, his hand pulling down his face.
"Izumi, that's not–" He cut himself off.
There was a pregnant pause. I fought against the knot in my throat, wanting to say something more, but not wanting it to be the wrong thing. It was weird to talk about–those dreams. I hadn't really done it much.
"He's pale," Kakuzu said abruptly. "Paler than Hidan. He had long, black hair when I knew him."
I swallowed, picking at my nails as I glanced up at Kakuzu. He was staring down at me with an unreadable expression.
"This person had, um…" I paused to swallow again, suddenly feeling like my tongue was too big for my mouth. "They had purple markings around their eyes? And the eyes themselves… they were kind of like a cat's."
There was a slight knit of his brows, eyes flitting over me like he was checking me for lies or something. It seemed like I said something he wanted me to be lying about. Like maybe I'd just complicated things.
"Not feline–reptilian. Specifically snakes… and yes. That's him." He stared back at the fire. Maybe it was easier to look at than whatever grimacing expression I wore.
"Oh," the word wavered out of me. "I… yeah, I had a feeling it was him."
I hugged my knees harder, eventually closing my eyes–losing the staring contest with the figment of my imagination in the coals. Seemed kind of rigged anyhow.
The sudden sensation of being grabbed by my shoulder made me jump and probably shave a few years off my life. Luckily my bowels held it together. Bewildered, I snapped my eyes open to find that I was sidled up against Kakuzu once more, tucked neatly into the nook between his side and arm, which had pulled me close.
He was looking away, staring off into the distance like maybe his arm did that on it's own and he couldn't be bothered to pay it any mind. I figured I should probably follow suit, keep my acknowledgement to a minimum and just enjoy the small, rare sentiment.
I let my head lean against him with a contented sigh and summed up my thoughts simply, "Everything's just been a lot lately."
His eyes shifted to examine me silently.
"It has," he eventually agreed, pausing to examine me further like he was trying to decide on something.
"Everything okay?" I asked.
"I have something."
I paused, blinking. "O-okay… um. Like a disease or… uh, an object? Or maybe a–"
"For you," he clarified with an impatient growl.
"O-oh! …Oh?"
Kakuzu did not just gift things to people, not really, and definitely not out of nowhere. My curiosity was piqued, to say the least.
"Is there like… an occasion? I feel bad, I didn't get you anything."
"You don't need to get me anything," he established curtly. "You've given me plenty."
"I don't think I've ever given you anything…" I pondered aloud, tapping my fingers to my chin in thinking.
"Headaches. Lots of them. For a lifetime, and I'm immortal, so think about that."
I snorted, "You're on a roll with these zingers tonight, Kakuzu."
"Just pay attention, would you?"
"Paying attention," I chirped, clapping my hands. I was prepared to pay some deadly serious attention.
"It's stupid, so you'll probably like it," Kakuzu preempted.
"Aw, Kakuzu, I'm sure I'll love it even if it's not stupid, but you really didn't have to get me anything! I know how much you hate to spend."
"It was free, I… made it…" he muttered, ending quietly like it was some shameful confession.
AW, KAKUZU.
I tried to keep most of my fawning internal. If I made too big a deal, he'd get flustered and retract into his grumpy, old man shell.
"You made it?" I had to question, at the very least.
It was a bit shocking honestly, definitely tough to imagine him making anything for me. Only thing I'd ever known him to make was money. My brain started rifling through the things it could have been.
Some sort of macaroni art? Handmade herbal soap? A salt scrub? Uhh… mittens maybe, or a hat? Something knitted with his weird guts?
That was pretty gross when I thought about it further. If he made a hat out of that stuff inside him… would it continue to writhe separately from him? Would it stay warm? Or rot over time perhaps? What would that smell like? Would it stay fresh as long as he was still alive? Would he know when I was wearing it?
So many questions, and somehow I didn't want answers to any of them.
"Yes. I made it. Now just shut up and pay attention, Izumi."
Right. Okay. I can do that.
I observed as he brought his arm from behind me and held it outstretched before him. It was honestly kind of disgusting to watch as his hand pulled back at the seam that dotted along his forearm. It unhinged entirely–knuckles pressing to his bicep–as a thick, twisting clump of tendrils bulged it's way down his arm and squeezed out of the opening.
I let out a yelp, startled and revolted as the undulating mass plopped onto the ground in front of us with a splat.
"Oh my God!" I hissed, clinging to Kakuzu and scooching as far into him as I could. "What the heck did your wrist just spit up Kakuz–"
I stopped abruptly. The thing had unfurled itself, going from a gross, shapeless lump of worms to something… very different.
Something very cute.
This tiny creature–about the size of a fat cat–shivered, shook out it's limbs, and did a biiig stretch before looking up at me with a cock of it's masked head. The eyes were bulbous and set too far apart, and even though it was just a mask, it seemed to wear an adorably derpy expression.
It's four legs–or flippers, rather–slapped clumsily against the dirt as it waddled towards me. I went utterly slack-jawed with nearly inaudible cooing as I offered my hand out to it.
Hesitant but curious, it approached, seeming to sniff at the air, then me, as it gathered it's bearings.
"Kakuzu…" I whispered in utter disbelief, tapping his leg to get his attention, afraid to speak too loudly and scare the little bugger. "This is… for me?"
He grunted. It meant 'yes'.
My heart. Oh God, my heart. It was melting. The thing's little backside wiggled ecstatically and it began clambering up my legs without much success.
I knew in my gut what this was–who this was. It was the freaking fish from well over two months ago, back when we were at the festival.
"Lucky!?" I piped, snatching the creature up and pulling it into a hug. "Kakuzu… What? H-How? What?!"
I wasn't sure what to ask, and I wasn't sure I really cared anyway. It was the cutest thing ever. In the entire world. No contest.
"Funny thing about goldfish," Kakuzu began dryly, like the whole thing was an annoyance and very far from funny. "They grow as large as their vessel allows. If you keep it in a small bowl, it stays small."
"...But you didn't keep it in a small bowl," I murmured, putting the pieces together. "You ripped it out of my hands–you jerk–and kept it's heart alive in your stupidly massive body!" I finished for him, practically bouncing up and down with excitement.
He scoffed at my description, but didn't bother correcting me because I wasn't exactly wrong.
"Yes, and it's becoming a problem. If this body could handle more hearts, then I'd have them. If I keep that in me, it'll keep growing and take resources away from the useful hearts."
"Hey!" I scolded, clapping my hands over Lucky's… uh… well, where I imagined ears might be. "Lucky is useful! Just look how cute he is!" I insisted, pushing up to my feet and holding Lucky out at his eye-level just inches from his face. Like maybe Kakuzu just needed a good look at the all-encompassing adorability of the thing.
Just then a slop of threads fell out of his butt with a wet noise against the ground, just missing my foot.
"Uh, oh God…Kakuzu," I panicked, bouncing on my heels. "I think I broke him? Is he okay?!"
Kakuzu rubbed his temples, glaring at the messy pile of squirming tendrils still partially connected to Lucky by a few longer pieces. "It's fine, it just hasn't developed it's motor skills yet. I'm not sure if it ever will."
To my relief, and not a second later, did the threads slurp right back up into Lucky's bum. Well, most of them anyway…
Works for me!
Kakuzu scowled and shoved it away from him.
"That was mean, Kakuzu!" I reprimanded, aghast and pulling Lucky back against me. It snuffled into my neck and shook it's butt as I scritched it with no shortage of cooing and baby talk, much to Kakuzu's dismay.
"Yes, in case you haven't noticed, I'm mean. Also, cute and useful are not the same, Izumi. Regardless, I thought you might like this stupid thing and you do, so why don't you just go to bed. I don't care about Hidan's pants at this point, just keep him in line."
"Whoa whoa whoa, slow your roll for a hot second there, mister," I protested.
"I don't even know what that means, but no."
"You cannot just gift me the cutest creature alive, totally out of the blue, and expect me to fall asleep right after without so much as a question about it."
"I can and I do," he doubled down.
I scoffed. "Pfft! Well, prepare for your expectations to be unmet."
"Hidan is my partner, I prepare for this exact situation every day of my existence."
"Then it should be easy," I brightened.
"Izumi. Bed. And take that thing with you."
My eyes narrowed at Kakuzu as I hugged Lucky to my cheek. "This thing's name is Lucky."
"It doesn't need a name. None of the others have names."
I balked, "There are more?!"
Kakuzu's entire being cringed as he realized his mistake. "We'll talk about it later."
"Now I need to think up more names. How many are there besides Lucky?"
"It's not fucking Lucky, Izumi."
I shot him a stern look, clicking my tongue. "It's either Lucky or Mr. Wigglebottom, your choice."
Our gazes tethered defiantly, both of us straining through the tension until Kakuzu eventually broke it with a huff.
"It doesn't matter what you call it. Lucky, sure. That's fine. I just need you to take care of it."
"Why? Does it have to like… eat and go to the bathroom and stuff?"
"No. Nothing like that. It's just going to pester me. It'll want to get back in, so I need you to keep it company and distract it."
"Oh, I can do that!" I assured, running a hand down Lucky's back and scruffling his little tushy. He flopped onto his side in my arm, exposing his belly and pawing at me with a flipper.
"Oh. My. God. Kakuzu, are you seeing this?!" I squealed.
Death by cuteness overload.
Kakuzu breathed in deeply, looking oddly uncomfortable. "Yes. Now bed."
"Okay okay okay," I agreed, fawning over Lucky with my heart about to burst before beaming at Kakuzu one more time, "Thank you, Kakuzu. I love it."
"I can see that. Bed, Izumi. Please."
An Aside with Kakuzu:
Mistakes were made.
Kakuzu immediately realized he hadn't really thought this through. It wasn't that he hadn't been one for planning or plotting or otherwise strategic thought. No, he was rather good at all that, actually. One of the best.
What Kakuzu hadn't accounted for was an outlier, something that didn't even cross his mind.
That thing–Lucky, as it was annoyingly being called now–was connected to him. What he was accustomed to with these pseudo-creatures was merely letting them out to stretch on occasion for some battle. They'd fight alongside him as allies under the pretense that they'd obey Kakuzu's will.
His will–that was very important.
He never needed to make the conscious effort to bark orders at them–unlike with Hidan–they just knew what to do because they were pieces of him. They obeyed commands, sure, but left without any, they still acted on their own in accordance with Kakuzu's general wishes.
So that was why this was all very bad.
After about two seconds of watching Lucky interact with Izumi, it became painfully obvious it had a considerable soft spot for her… and if it acted in accordance with Kakuzu's will, that was merely a reflection of it.
How the hell did he allow for such an oversight?
If certain people figured this out, he'd never hear the end of it. It would be absolute chaos–anarchy. He could see Hidan now, somehow twisting Kakuzu's fondness for the useless child, stupid as she was, to get his way with things. He'd already used her as leverage to convince Kakuzu to help him. How far would he care to test the limits of that soft spot?
He hated that term–soft spot. People would speak of it endearingly, like it was something cute, but all Kakuzu could think of was fucking fruit. Bruised fruit. Something imperfect and damaged. Something to be tossed out.
He neither wanted or needed a damn soft spot, yet there he was, just an apple that gave a little beneath the pad of a finger. Pathetic.
It wasn't only that though... No, because it couldn't be just that. It got worse.
It was the connection too. The quality was excellent–high fucking definition–which usually proved useful. It was something he had with all the creatures that housed his hearts.
If one of them got punched in the gut, Kakuzu would know. It wouldn't necessarily feel like he got punched in the gut. It wasn't an equal transfer of sensation–that would've been a raw deal– but there was something residual he would feel, something small and whispered in his bones, poignant enough to alert him to what was going on. They were a part of him, after all.
So Kakuzu watched Izumi drifting off with increasing irritation. She was tucked in beside Hidan, hugging the thing nuzzled contently against her chest, fingers gently scratching and comforting it as she dozed off. He watched, and he felt it.
It translated as soft and warm in the back of his mind, like something trying to ease it. He didn't want it to be eased, damn it. He liked his anger. It was comfortable and he wanted to feel all of it, not whatever this was.
Yes, he could see with his eyeballs that she was clearly petting the creature and not the inside of his skull. Logically, he knew this to be true, but what he saw and what he experienced were two very different things. It was downright invasive, how the comforting touch struck him so delicately.
If Kakuzu was going to be struck, he wanted it to knock him off his damn feet. He wanted it to give him a reason to feel disoriented. But feeling off-kilter from this gentle affection delivered to him vicariously through this creature without a single brain cell? It was appallingly unacceptable.
He was half tempted to wake Hidan for the express purpose of starting a fight. Just so Hidan would clock him in the jaw–and he'd let him–just to have something to point to as an explanation for his miserable reaction to all this.
It complicated things, and Kakuzu did not take kindly to complications.
It was an ungodly amount of uncomfortable–this warmth, this foreign feeling of lingering endearment every time Izumi would hug the little bastard closer. He knew it would only get worse. That girl would shower the thing with shit like this every day, he just knew it. It was stupid and cute–Izumi's favorite fucking things. Just his luck.
Kakuzu had two choices. Deal with it, or kill the cretin.
That wasn't pragmatic though, executing it. Destroying a part of your own life essence, regardless of how utterly idiotic it was, seemed like a bad decision on paper. So it was too late now, he wouldn't willingly eliminate a piece of himself–that went against every survivalist instinct in his body–but he was certainly free to hate it.
As if hating a part of himself would be anything new. That was fine.
Kakuzu was definitely kicking himself for what began as a simple experiment though.
He only wanted to mess with Izumi that day he yanked the stupid fish into him. He'd never pulled an animal heart inside before, and it came as a shock when he managed to sustain the heartbeat at all.
There was a disturbing element to that. The fact that an animal heart could live inside him seemed like a solid indicator that he was no longer fully human himself. That didn't bother him though, not really.
Not a lot, anyway.
Regardless, he only wanted to see how long he could keep it going at that point. An experiment–research. Just a tiny little heart, not even big enough to call for a mask. Surely nothing bad could come of it, he'd thought.
But the heart did not stay little, and surely nothing good would come of it.
So there he was, dealing with the consequences of his own actions. He tried being angry about it, but Izumi's gentle caressing was soothing his nerves and maybe he could just be mad about it later.
Yes, the next time she wasn't petting Lucky, he would make a point to fume.
Damn it. He'd really fucked up on this one.
A/N: 50 FREAKING CHAPTERS OF THIS THING CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE IT?
I can't.
I tell you what, guys. I started this fic over 10 years ago, wrote maybe like 60k words and dropped it within months. It was totally different. Edgelord OC, different characterizations. Hidan was mostly a dick and not much more. Deidara stood more of a shot? (lmao sorry bud)
So the pandemic happened and me, with all my 3 months of pervious writing experience a decade ago, said fuck it, let's go back and finish that fic. I really thought it would be a quick thing, but as you can see, it was not.
I do apologize for the novice writing and some of the stupid plot things I'm kind of locked into since I plotted it when I was more of an idiot, but you know what, I'm having fun with it, so I'm only a little sorry.
Also, you might think I'm wading into directionless waters here, especially with weird, bantery chapters like this, but I assure I'm going somewhere with this lol. We will be back at base next time :)
As always, thanks for reading fam 3
