Kindred
By Sweetprincipale
Set in early Season Five. When Dracula called Buffy 'kindred'' he was doing a bit more than just saying they had a lot in common. Hungry for knowledge of herself and her power, Buffy didn't realize what kind of connection he had forged with her until he left town, and the damage was done. Hoping to break his hold over her, Buffy requests help from Spike. However, the way you break the hold of one vampire is to let another one possess you more fully. But, it'll only be temporary, right? Simple business, that's all…
Dedicated to: stuff'n'nonsense, kyanaM, 666, sjwheelhan, pgoodrichboggs, jbu1810, The Three March Hares, omslagspapper, Brokenblackrose89, and the kind guest reviewers.
PART IX
"Will you tell me something?
"Anything. But first, are you all right?"
"I'm fine. Now. That spell? What the hell was it used for?"
Giles looked at the clock in the living room from his vantage point on the couch. Nearly midnight. "Sacrificial spells. Where something had to be removed from the victim, or rather the- uh- participants."
"Well, you sure can't feel what they're taking. I almost died of a panic attack. I thought I was dying. I couldn't feel my whole body, couldn't feel myself breathing or my heart beating! It was horrible. Way worse than biting."
"I'm sorry you had trouble, dear. And I'm so sorry you have to be- you're enduring- hrm- bites. How is Spike? Is he badly hurt as well?"
"He never hurts me," Buffy replied automatically. She sat on her bed, wrapped in a towel, wer hair pulled back. The two bites were in the same place. Her neck was swollen and tender. And she couldn't leave the skin of it alone. Couldn't leave other places alone, either. Bad hand! She guiltily fastened it to her knee to prevent it wandering under her towel while she was on the phone with Giles. The thought of those two things occuring at once caused another near death experience, this time from embarrassment.
"How is he-"
"Gentle. He's so... he cares about me now. You know? Like he has to take care of me because he marked me."
Giles gave the phone an alarmed look. Her voice was all soft and dreamy. "Buffy… you do know that this is not real."
"What, he doesn't care about me?"
Now the voice was angry, accusing. "I mean, yes, it's real, but it's because you two are connected. You must be connected very well indeed, to profess care for each other."
"I didn't say I cared about him."
"Well, quite. I imagine-"
"But I do."
"You do?"
"Yeah. I know it's weird. But when you have to let someone help you, you see how they'd treat you when you're down. Spike treats me like I want to be treated. He never thinks I'm helpless. He hates when people underestimate me. He doesn't do that anymore. He learned his lesson pretty quickly." She let out a sleepy laugh. "I like that about him."
"Ah. Yes. Respect. Worthy adversary. Do you think the hold is broken?"
"No. I didn't do the second thing. Where I drink from him. I did it once, have to do it twice. Then it should be, if the theory of two-for-one specials holds up."
Giles shuddered. "You're being so brave."
No. I'm really not. Buffy paused. "Giles? You know how Dracula said I had darkness and I wanted to learn about my own power and stuff like that?"
"Yes?"
"He never helped me at all."
"I know, Buffy. It was trickery, and thousands of older, wiser heads have been deluded into -"
"Spike helps me. I get something that I didn't get before."
"What?"
"Myself. Dracula's bite made me weaker. Spike's make me stronger. I like that. I don't really get how- exactly. They just do."
Giles blinked. Damn. Eyes were moist. But something in her triggered it in him, had so many times. Confidence in her voice. Happy, sure, resolute confidence. He hadn't heard it often, and not in so long. It was absent, or tinged with heartbreak, anger, or pain. This simply… existed. "I am delighted, Buffy. Thank him for me."
"Any news on the spell-creation front? Word from Watcher Land?"
"Ah."
"Oh no."
"Well, no spells directly related to this issue. Let me come back to that. The Council said they may be able to help us. They were- actually quite impressed. No other Slayer has fought him and gotten him two out of the three times required to properly end him. Also, the three methods cannot be the same, and again, this is all lore and speculation, since the bastard is still alive."
Buffy tsked in annoyance."Of course, just plain staking is too good for him, he has to want some decapitation thrown in. Jerk. That's so much more work."
"Er. Yes. Quite. Now, a truly horrid thought did arise. That the Council has trained vampires, well, not trained, per se. Rather, they have some captive. If they foolishly thought they could convince one of the ones held for the Cruciamentum-"
"Stop. No, just no. I could not bond with anything like that. Those things are supposed to kill me, they don't want to cuddle!"
"Agreed. Did you say cuddle?"
"Not bond-y, okay?"
"We cannot let them attempt such a heinous idea. But as Xander pointed out, they are full of heinous ideas, the Cruciamentum being one of them. And, you will not believe what Xander then suggested."
"Angel?"
"No. Spike. You and Spike rekindle your spellbound romance long enough to free you from Dracula's hold. As an engaged couple, you'd have some intimate and serious bond, you'd kiss, and... yes. All the pieces would just fall into place."
"But- but I don't think we need that. We're getting along great!"
They are? Good heavens. What in the world is happening? She actually sounds… pleased? More than pleased. "That's not the point. The point is, they were all supportive of you're asking Spike, but worried that Riley would hurt him for his role in freeing you."
Buffy paused. Her hand lingered on her neck again. She felt… safe when she touched that spot. Connected. I've been losing all the connections, fighting hard to rebuild all the things I broke over the course of Freshman year. My heart was broken. Disconnected. I let Riley in- but it was all based on misinformation and lies, and then the Faith thing and- so many things. "Giles? Does what you said sound wrong to you? Doesn't that sound like…" her voice wavered, "doesn't that sound bad? I'm- I can't live as a vampire. If I ever get- you have to-" She had trouble swallowing. "Promise me you won't let me stay like that for long?"
"Buffy, please. Don't torture yourself. We will find a way." He unscrewed his bottle of Scotch again. He ignored the glass.
"I need to be freed, and for once in my whole life, I cannot get myself out of this mess, not for sure. I need help."
"You have it."
"But Riley would kill the man setting me free from a life as a demon. Life with someone else, someone I don't even love, stuck in my own body without my own soul. It's my worst nightmare. I can't." She clamped her hand harder to the small, deep holes on her neck. Spike's washing him out of me. Snapping little pieces of chains that would tie me to that life. Life where I can't even control my body, my brain. Being thralled and subdued- it's the opposite of knowing about myself. It's Dracula manipulating me, to have me how he wants me. "I can't exist like that," she whispered desperately.
"You won't!"
"I believe that- as long as Riley doesn't interfere. Giles, I think I'm falling out of love with him. If I ever was before. And it's not because I kissed Spike or he bit me. It's because I weigh my freedom against his wishes- and I'm second." Like Dracula? His wishes above my freedom? "I give and I give, but I can't give that much. Riley can't have Spike. He can't take him from me." And he can't take me from me. There's still more to know. I don't know it all, but I don't feel- hey. I don't feel that urgent, going-to-explode hunger anymore. It's like I've been given something to snack on, little pieces of me.
He gives me the little pieces until I'm whole, and darkness isn't scary, and light isn't everything. "I need him, Giles."
Oh dear. Oh- and this is very inadequate- dear. He kept his tone brisk. "Your friends agreed Spike is the next best, safest option. Willow wants to make him a protection charm. Xander wanted to buy him a fruit basket."
"Pardon? Fruit?" That jolted her back to reality. Reality sounded equally odd, though.
"I know, I know. It's his way of saying he gives tacit approval. He loves you enough to see you free, whatever the cost- provided you're amenable to it. But all I told them was that I would approach Spike. I didn't say this was already underway. I did make them promise to avoid Riley and to keep this secret. I trust they will."
"Spike really thinks Riley would kill him."
"I know."
"Do you think he would? He knows Spike can't fight back."
Silence.
"Spike stopped hurting people."
"Yes."
"He helps me."
"Yes."
"If you kill a defenseless being, a walking, talking, thinking, loving being who is trying to save someone's life- are you a murderer?"
Silence.
"Giles?"
"Spike has murdered hundreds. Thousands."
"He isn't going to die unless someone kills him. What if he saves thousands? He already helped me save the world, and stopped Adam. I mean, in the end. Let's just stick to the Acathla thing. That's - let's split it with everyone who helped and say that he gets a small share- a half billion? He saved a half-billion."
"Buffy, you're trying to justify affection you feel for him during this peculiar circumstance."
"No. I know that's the bonding thing. I'm not justifying. I'm wondering. Why would Riley kill him? Now? I would understand if he wanted to earlier, pre-chip."
"Buffy, you know the answer to that."
"Because he bit me? He didn't kill me. He didn't take a life. He did it without causing pain or even trying to kill me. Trying to help me."
"Riley simply-"
"Take Riley out. Take Spike out. Answer this. If a man with a weapon disables another man, takes his weapon, and kills him, is it a fair fight?"
"I can't see it being one."
"Is it murder?"
"Yes. I think it would be. But now you have to put things into perspective. Spike is a vampire without a soul and is only behaving due to the chip."
"But he is behaving. And he couldn't possibly fight back without getting hurt. If he had his chip taken away and he went on a rampage, I'd stake him." Her heart cringed inside. Don't worry. He won't. It's okay. It's safe with him. She soothed herself, hand on her neck, mimicking his fingers, tracing throat, finding scars.
"You know the answer."
"It's murder. In my eyes."
"Your eyes are the only ones that matter. You must choose whom you love."
"I don't love Spike."
"Nor did I think that. You still have to choose whom you love, even if the choice isn't between two people."
But it kind of is. I'm choosing between two men who could become murderers, just given the right circumstances.
I have seriously sucky dating skills. This isn't dating.
Oh no, I always make out or plan to for three nights in a row with guys I'm not dating. Argh. "Brain is owchie."
"I think you need to sleep," Giles instructed softly.
"Mom is leaving in the morning, really early. I need to be up to say goodbye to her. Giles? Do you think I'm a bad girlfriend? I know I asked before, but I- I keep having to ask myself, and I'm not feeling too reliable right now, so I'm asking you. You're like the most reliable, boring person I know- oh. I meant that in a positive way." She winced. "More brain pain."
He laughed, a soft sighing laugh. "I think you are a wonderful Slayer, wonderful friend and daughter- and yes, an excellent girlfriend,… but you need the right sort of man."
"I seem to do better with monsters."
He'd felt himself quite a monster during his youthful indiscretions with demon possession and worship. And he'd literally experienced the feeling of being a demon when turned into one by Ethan Rayne. "Every human has something that can become quite monstrous."
"Hmm. Deep, Watcher-Mine. You know what I'm starting to wonder?"
"Tell me?"
"If certain monsters have something in them that can become quite human."
They exchanged one last goodnight. She curled up to sleep, still in her towel.
He put down the bottle. Something in the monster- that can become quite human.
If anyone could develop such feelings in a vampire- it's her.
Bloody hell. I wish this were all over already and I knew what the outcome would be. He headed up the stairs and turned back. He decided he ought to take the bottle with him.
The blue mist curled around her subconscious. Weak. Pulsing and angry.
"Oi! Sod off! You, hop it back to your castles and your box of dirt."
It snarled. He snarled back, much louder, letting the roar ring, turning his neck to show a scrape, a bare human scratch, on his neck. "I got the keys to this place, not you."
The mist growled low, fading, backing off like an animal confronted by a much bigger predator.
"Spike? What are you doing in here?" Buffy left her bed, which promptly faded away. Yep, definitely a dream.
"This is my dream. What's Wonder Vamp doin' in my head?"
"This is not your head. He's in mine."
"Well, not anymore he isn't. The only one inside you is me."
Two figures, blurry, become more solid, more defined. He wore jeans, unzipped, belt still in the loops but undone, shirtless, how he'd fallen asleep. She was in a towel.
"Are you really in here?" Buffy squinted.
"Huh. I don't know. I- seem solid. But I don't recognize this place."
Buffy turned around. Her bed had gone. Part of the place was shadow, part was dimly lit, but brighter.
"Say something cryptic."
"Why?"
"My dreams are all symbolic and stuff."
"Uh… the duck flies at midnight. Hop a train to Bora-Bora."
"You are not helping. Hm. Must be you."
"Well, why am I visitin' your head? Why are you in my dream? I'm asleep, finally!"
"So am I! And this isn't just my head, maybe. Maybe we're in a- a shared space."
"Do you mean I have to see you wakin' and sleepin'? That's a bit much."
"Oh. Well… help me wake up, then. Or maybe there's a door in this brain?" Buffy turned away, looking hurt.
He came up to her. "Don't leave."
His nearness and the muted sadness in his eyes erased her intention. "I won't."
"I gotta bluster a bit. So it won't be such a big deal when this is all over. I wasn't really complaining about seeing you in my dreams. I've been seeing you there for days."
"I see you in there, too. But- this is different."
"Definitely."
"Right."
She tried to look composed. "Right."
"What do you think we're doing in here together?"
"Maybe looking for answers?"
"To what?"
"I don't know…" she sighed and looked for something to sit down on. "These dreams are not well-furnished. I swear I left a bed over there."
The bed popped back, larger than life, looming, a thing of pillars and canopies, more like some sort of altar than mere bedroom furniture.
"Hmm. Your headspace is more cooperative than your wakin' self."
"Really not. This is a change. And that is so not my bed. Although, it's pretty awesome. Maybe it's trying to show off for you," she giggled at him.
He smirked at her. Their dreamscape shifted, blocking out empty space, bringing them toward the bed. "I had a thought." He waited for the jibe. She didn't make one. "I wonder if we're here to do something we can't do on the outside."
"Like what?"
Shifted again. Onto the bed. Knee to knee. Towel to denim. Bare chest to cotton and exposed shoulders
Her eyes widened. She touched her neck and he could hear- even in this dream, her heartbeat slowing back to steady. "Sweetheart." He ran his hands up and down her arms, slowly.
"It's not real."
"But we're real enough." He reached for her hand. "In here, it doesn't count, then. Whatever you wanted to do. I'm yours, remember?"
"But won't you remember it in the morning?"
"I sure hope so."
Kissed her.
Clothes weren't on. Falling backward, landing in cushiony softness, piles of softness, but he was hard, all over hard, muscles, arms, jutting erection. She was soft, but her eyes were not. Wouldn't relax. "Shhh, shhh," he soothed.
"Spike…"
"Give me a taste, Baby?"
She turned her head automatically. Not even afraid anymore. It's just something we do, it never hurts.
"No. The other drink I want." His hand hovered over her. Hand came down. Touched the inside of her knee and she swallowed hard. His touch hesitated, began to reach for the soft opening he had briefly sheathed his fingers in earlier, pleasuring her while he drank, removing any trace of pain. Giving so much pleasure."One little taste- not enough."
"But… I want to feel it for real." She realized it was true. "Can you wait until tonight?"
She sat up, eyes flying open. Oh my God. Was that...? Did I...? "What was that?"
He fell from the chair where he had dozed, tailbone on concrete nowhere near the shock of her question. "What the hell was that?"
Time passed. He ached so much he suddenly couldn't sit, couldn't dream of going back to sleep. Even if she'd meet him there.
I want my girl. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, I love her and she's mine and I'm gonna lose her.
I'm so stupid.
She can't be for me. I said the words 'cause I had to. She's not really my match.
Don't lie to yourself. Even she said it. She said it first.
Her words, her happy near-squeal and her joyous figure launching into his arm replayed in slow motion. "You are the dark. You have the light. Spike, we match! We're the set! We're the- we're kindred! Like, for real!"
Want my girl.
Buffy hugged her pillow tightly. It was just a weird dream. No big. Nope.
He's gonna give me away. I have to let him go.
I still have Riley.
I don't want Riley! Riley would hurt him for saving me and I can't love a monster like that.
I love my own kind of monster. My sweet, beautiful, bad-outside, okay-inside monster. He holds my darkness for me when I want to put it down. I let him borrow my light. We're good together.
Why does together have to end?
Everything hurt. Inside her tight pink walls, the pain was intense. Inside her neck, she throbbed and couldn't swallow. Want him. Fever. Sick.
Cure.
She felt a sudden blast of blinding rage. It wasn't hers. Or Spike's.
Dracula's.
He knows he's losing control.
"Suck it, Cape Boy," Buffy told the silence around her.
To be continued...
