Kindred

By Sweetprincipale

Set in early Season Five. When Dracula called Buffy 'kindred'' he was doing a bit more than just saying they had a lot in common. Hungry for knowledge of herself and her power, Buffy didn't realize what kind of connection he had forged with her until he left town, and the damage was done. Hoping to break his hold over her, Buffy requests help from Spike. However, the way you break the hold of one vampire is to let another one possess you more fully. But, it'll only be temporary, right? Simple business, that's all…

Dedicated to: stuff'n'nonsense, kyanaM, sjwheelhan, pgoodrichboggs, jbu1810, Slayerette16, Pentastic, Jackiemack916,The Three March Hares, omslagspapper, Brokenblackrose89, and the kind guest reviewers. Also, thank you to the kind readers who are continuing to buy my original fiction on Amazon. All the wordy hugs ;)

Part X

"I need a glamor. Can you teach me? Also, hi. Giles' line is busy, I think he's doing Watcher stuff."

"Buffy?"

"Hm?"

"It's seven thirty."

"I know. Oh! I'm so sorry! Did I wake you? Or Tara?" Buffy now whispered apologetically.

"No, she's in the shower already, but- you're not a morning person. I mean, by default, you're up all night slaying evil."

"Oh, Mom left for the airport at seven. She's going to a friend's showing in Florida. I got up to see her off and then I figured I'd better do the girlfriend thing and check in with Riley and -um- a glamor would be helpful."

"I can try to teach you, or do one for you. Did you talk to Giles?"

"Yes! I mean, last night I did, his line was busy this morning. He told me about the charm and the fruit basket. That's really sweet. And completely weird. The fruit, not the charm."

"But it was thoughtful."

"Mucho thoughtful. Can you come over?"

"Twenty minutes? Oh, wait, I told Xander we'd meet at the Espresso Pump before he went to the site. I'll be there right after. Or- you could come over. We could pop into the ladies' room and have you 'glamorous' in seconds."

"I want to. But- so, I'm about to do a really rotten thing."

Willow blanched. "What?" All sorts of vampiric stuff collided in her mind and just came up with the word "BAD" in flashing letters.

"Ask you talk behind his back- which is totally what split us up before, we thought."

"You don't want Xander to know about the hickey with fangs?"

"That's one thing. Also, the other night when you researched and Riley was there, he told me that Giles had to defend me. And I assumed it might be Anya, 'cause you know, the lack of tact."

"Right. You two sort of mentioned that at lunch yesterday. Only it was more like- not mentioning," Willow pointed out tentatively.

"So, was it Xander or Anya?"

"Was what Xander or Anya?"

"Was it Xander or Anya who said something and Giles had to go into defense mode?"

"Oh no! Riley's the one who lost it and shattered Giles' mom's mirror and - oh. I'm guessing by that really horrified gasp you hadn't heard that part?" Willow bit her lip.

"No! Why?"

"We were joking and he lost it and said we were passing you from vamp to vamp, and Giles said it was okay to be angry at Dracula but not at you- only Riley was kind of angry at you. Then Giles took him aside, and I couldn't hear all of it, but I got the impression he also told Riley that it was okay to be mad at himself, like because he couldn't make this better, or because he didn't stop it in the first place. But all of us were on your side. I think Riley is too, he's just- you know- hating this."

Silence.

"Buffy?"

"Mad? At me? For what?"

"Getting bitten and Dracula suping up your system."

"He gets that it's Dracula, right? Mr. Hollywood of vampires. And I wasn't the only one affected! Xander locked Anya in a closet and told me he was taking me to Dracula in exchange for being made immortal! Xander was willing to get turned! Not that I'm pointing fingers, Dracula has that kind of power! I was willing to get bitten because- because I thought I was getting something I wanted."

"Wanted what?"

She closed her eyes. "Will- being a slayer is hard. And I don't understand it. Like, okay, there's only one of us in the whole world who has these evil-killing mega powers. But why? How? What is the source of this power?" Is it honestly good? Was it some kind of evil? He said I had darkness to rival his own… "Dracula said he knew and he could show me. Then I would understand. I wouldn't feel so… desperate."

"Oh, Buffy. I'm sorry. I didn't realize how- I mean, you never wondered before, you just rolled with it."

"After years of rolling with it and living with this power inside you- you get curious." You get tired. You get weak. You get… dark. Hard. Empty. I can't keep going like this... Focus.

"I knew he would be mad at me. He told me he wasn't. He lied. But I'm lying to him, so I guess it's even. We started out lying to each other, hiding from each other. So did Angel and I. He never told me he was a vampire or that he was supposed to help me, and Parker lied, too. I'm looking for a guy who starts things off with complete and utter honesty."

"Nice work, Luv."

"Who are you?"

"You'll find out on Saturday."

"What happens on Saturday?"

"I kill you."

"Spike embraced brutal honesty the first time we met."

"But not a lot after that."

"No, he did, he would be right in your face with stuff. Not with the Initiative thing. I almost understand that. He believed Adam could fix him. He didn't want to be helpless. He wanted to get something that was forced into him out of him. I get that. I have a hold forced onto me by someone who trapped me, just with words and a thrall, not a cage and a chip. I want to get it gone. I'm lying to do it."

"Are you saying Spike is the one who-"

"No! I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, that out of the recent male interactions I've had- and Spike counts because we were engaged- he's the only one who started off a relationship honestly. He said I did good work. And he was going to kill me on Saturday. I don't count the fact that he didn't kill me as lying, because he tried. Give him credit."

"Give him- credit?" Willow asked faintly. She gave the phone a concerned look. "Buffy, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm feeling better. Hyper. But better. My internal mocha count is at a twenty instead of a hundred. I'll see you at the Espresso Pump at- when?"

"I told Xander eight. Can you be there that soon?"

"Oh yeah. If I run," Buffy gave herself a wink in the mirror.

"Maybe you should have something decaffeinated?" Willow suggested.

"Maybe," Buffy had to laugh as she hung up.

She raced to her closet. I'm buying new shirts. Shirts with collars, shirts with full-throat coverage. And scarves. Turtlenecks. This will be a cinch to hide in the winter.

Wait. This is probably going to be done in a few days. Maybe weeks. Once it's broken, we don't have to keep biting. This will fade, she touched her neck. No new wardrobe required.

She pulled a high-necked lavender shirt out. It had ruffles around the throat and no sleeves, soft and stretchy, almost sheer.

I'd have to take this off completely for him to bite me.

Not really a problem.

Does it have to be the throat? What about- other places? Places near arteries?

Doesn't need to be near an artery. Soon he won't need to bite at all.

Into capris. Into sandals. Into upbeat ponytail, diamond studs and tiny silver hoops in her ears.

Purse, wallet, housekeys.

Why shouldn't it be an artery? He should get something out of it. Slayer blood is the best.

Oh stop. Stop thinking like that! You should not feed-

-your partner.

Partner?

Kindred. Other half.

It's just the bond. And it's good that it's so strong. Dracula's losing his power over me. He must be pissed.

Spike would love that. Can't wait to tell him.

She bit her lip as she easily trotted to the Espresso Pump. Silly thought.

Should we have dinner tonight?

Should tonight be romantic?

I have a boyfriend.

No, I don't.

What if it's just the hold running interference, making you think you love Spike?

Oh man. Erase, backspace, delete, undo!

My brain does not respond to those kind of commands.

Spike doesn't love you for real. All the "claiming" stuff, just a necessary-strangely awesome-evil.

So. I have a boyfriend.

No, I don't.

Buffy slowed down once she realized she was outpacing the residential traffic, not a normal sight.

Just interference in reality.

No. Buffy paused as a delivery truck blocked an intersection for a minute.

Interference in reality is what made me ask him, are you going to help me get better? And he had to think about it.

Tell him, something happened to me. And he blamed me.

Need my friends. And he got jealous.

Find an option. And he ignored it.

Find a helper. And he'll kill him.

I had a boyfriend.


"I think I have to break up with Riley."

"Did he use the one that goes 'Aphrodite, Branwen, Isis, Artemis by your- what did you say?" Willow squeezed into the larger of the two stalls in the small restroom.

"I think so. It ended with 'cover', that's all I can remember."

"Back to the other thing. Why?"

"I think I want my darkness to be a different flavor. Less controlling, outwardly sweet, inwardly angrily jealous."

"Buffy, stop. This is not something he's ever had to deal with before. He's only had a few days to adjust to this idea. Couldn't you let him- I don't know, work through it?"

"I could. I'm not sure if I want to."

"But- but couldn't this be Dracula tweaking your emotions and your brain? Confusing you and making you question your feelings?"

"It could." But it's not. It's Spike. No, it's - me. "I think I know my own mind about this one, Will."

"I bet you do. Only, if you don't and you tell him you want to break up, and then you're cured and you realize it was a mistake…" she shrugged helplessly. "That's a big thing to fix. You two already had enough things to fix. M-Maybe tell him you need a break for a few days? Not because of him, because of worrying about being confused."

"That's smarter, isn't it?" Buffy bit her lip, mind dividing sharply on this issue.

"I'm not sure about smarter. I just think it has less propensity to lead to irreparable relationship damage."

"Smaller words," Buffy pleaded as she struggled to pull the shirt's high neckline down and expose the wound..

Willow paraphrased, "Less chance of heart go boom."

"See, that I totally understood."

"Buffy- this looks really deep. And not healing."

"It's fine."

"It's swollen."

"I know."

"You have slayer healing."

"He has vampire strength."

"Is he hurting you?"

"No! He's not hurting me at all."

"But-"

Her mind raced. Private thoughts. Not sharing them. But, best friend. Reassuring her. "I hate being bitten. But when he does it- I don't even know it's happening. Never hurts. And when I'm with him, I laugh. I relax. I learn stuff. It's only swollen because it's been a couple nights in a row." And he's so strong, and he digs into me, enjoys me, and I enjoy him, feel him feeding his own hunger when he's feeding mine. "It'll be all faded by night." If I stop playing with it. I need a little stress ball or a rubber band or something to fixate on instead. "Why are you staring at me?"

"I never heard you talk that way. About anyone. Even Angel. Like… you're just comfortable. Relaxed. I associate a lot of words with Buffy and love, but relaxed ain't one of 'em." Willow gave her friend a brief smile before she shook out her hands and closed her eyes as she called up her power.

Buffy let Willow finish the simple incantation and when her friend sighed in satisfaction she knew it was done. Xander, Anya, and Tara would be halfway through their coffees at this rate. "Sorry this two minute fix is taking so long, Will."

"I'm glad you talk to me. About the spell stuff, and the other stuff.."

They slid out of the restroom. Buffy hesitated, and then asked, "Even with Riley? Not comfy?"

"Oh, with Riley, you sounded super happy." For a few weeks. Then other stuff happened. Like Buffy's life and Riley's goon squad.

"And Angel?"

"Drama, sadness, mythic, fated love stuff. I'm not sure what the tone was. It varied. A lot. Not usually good."

"I'm messed up. You're right. I'll just tell Riley we need to put things on hold for a little while. Trial separation?"

"Buffster! Looking forward to getting you a de-engagement gift." Xander handed her a decaf latte. "Sans caffeine, per the wicca's orders. My treat."

"De-engaged?"

"From your Transylvanian Mail Order Groom?"

Tara snorted foam and Willow passed her a napkin. "I - I actually liked that one."

"Xander had a really good idea, that Riley would never let you carry out, but it would totally work," Anya greeted her with a bright smile.

"Ahn!"

"If he lets me, huh?" Buffy tilted her head. "Sounds like we're still dealing with Agent Finn. If he keeps this up, he's about to be dishonorably discharged." Buffy stabbed her drink viciously with a coffee-stirrer.

The four friends exchanged glances.

In no way did it look like Buffy had just staked her coffee, right? Certainly not while thinking about her boyfriend?

"Slightly vicious?" Buffy blushed.

"Tad bit." Xander looked at her curiously.

"Giles told me about your idea. With a little less engagement and little more bribery, it's a good one. Whether Riley 'lets me' or not."

Xander glared at Anya. She rolled her eyes. "What? It's true! He's likely to object! He hates Spike, and Buffy being engaged to someone other than him would be unacceptable in his mind, even if he knows it's not real and it's to help her in a way that he can't."

"I already said there would be no engagement, and Giles said he told you that part of it was out." Buffy drained her cup and looked longingly at the bagel and muffin case. "Muffins? I'm getting a half dozen. That's just for me though, so if you want me to get you anything while I'm up, speak now or get your own." At their stunned glances, she smiled. "Joking. Slayer metabolism has gone through the roof, but I'm not that hungry. Seriously, share my muffins, ease my inner turmoil?"

"Surprise me," Willow said. "Oh, but not carrot cake. I can't have vegetables in my breakfast time slot."

The others joined Willow's preference to be surprised and Buffy left the table.

"She just blew past the Spike thing, didn't she?" Xander hissed.

"She said no engagement. That doesn't mean she won't ask him for help. It's a good idea." Willow folded and refolded her napkin on repeat.

Xander stared at her. "Training for the lucrative position as the gal who makes origami swan napkins at fancy restaurants, Will?"

"No. Why? Oh," she said in realization and dropped the creased napkin.

"What's wrong? Did Giles ask you to do the spell?"

"No."

"You have that guilty look like when you-"

"Lemon poppies and chocolate chip. Either way, they should serve these with a side of floss." Buffy returned and sat down a tray. "I call chocolate."

"So… Buffy? What's the plan?"

"Giles asks Spike to help. We don't tell Riley. Riley would probably freak out. In fact, I'm sure that he would, and that would lead to dusty Spike, which I'm against."

"Right, he's helpless, harmless. It would be like kicking a toothless puppy."

"That makes it worse," Buffy muttered as the image of Riley kicking tiny puppies assailed her. "Riley would never do that."

"He totally would!" Anya protested. "Oh. You meant the dogs. No, he wouldn't do that."

"Riley's n-not handling this well, not that it's his fault!" Tara said quickly.

"It's not his fault, but he's totally not helping with the handling. I think I'm … I'm going to ask him to give me a couple weeks off."

Anya's head tilted. "Like he's a job?"

"You have to work at love. But it shouldn't be a job," Tara whispered. "Oh. Oh, no, I-I was thinking in general. N-not about you two."

Buffy smiled sadly. "Yeah, well, I think Riley might have me confused with a job right now, too. I'm Operation Save Buffy. His new mission."

Five people at one table exchanged glances.

It's not working out.

The sad smile passed like a torch, spreading to all faces. Willow reached out first, hand on Buffy's as it rested on the table, Tara's joining hers, then Xander's, and at last, Anya's.

"Thanks, guys," Buffy said thickly.


"Thanks for all your help, Graham. Sorry I don't have any better leads to give you a starting point. We miss you in Sunnydale. It's still jumpin'. You oughta come down for the weekend. Plenty of vamps."

"I can't, Ry. Surgery this weekend, then home for four weeks' post-op leave, then Belize."

Meeting Graham, his new unit, seeing some of his old Initiative buddies, and meeting Graham's new C.O. had been oddly fun. Familiar. Peaceful. Sure, they were talking about facing imminent death and trying to figure out if there were any surveillance points that had a bead on Dracula, but it was more relaxing than being in Sunnydale, the heart of all that is bad- minus one beautiful, breathtaking girl.

And at no time during this blissful overnight stay had Graham mentioned any injury or condition that would need surgery. "Graham, man, what happened? I thought you made it out of the battle with just some taser burns and cracked ribs?"

Graham looked at him in confusion. "All of us have it, Riley. Anyone in Walsh's command. We had prolonged exposure to corticosteroids and God knows what else. You got more than anyone, you even had a bona fide 'chip' in you. All of us have hyperadrenal overload. Severe tachycardia? Racing heart, feel like you could run forever, not aware of pain?"

Riley blinked. "That's crazy talk, I don't have any-"

"Check your pulse lately? Maybe you're not even aware of it. You're around super chick so much, you think a feeling of permanent adrenaline rush is normal."

Riley paused, then put his hand to his neck, feeling the pulse jump. He counted. Easily over 120. He was sitting down, reclining, soda in hand. That should be a quick jog. "I've been worked up."

"That's not all that's worked up. You can't live without adrenal glands man, not unless you want injections and pills for the rest of your life. Plus, the heart. Our hearts can't take it. I'm on suppression meds now, and the surgery to repair the damage is gonna let me live a normal life, the kind where I don't need a wheelchair by the time I'm thirty. I know you're out, but you got this while serving. They should have let you know."

"Yeah, well, I don't trust anyone anymore. I don't trust the government anymore," he corrected himself.

"Trust your heartbeat, Finn. It's not lying. Something has been done to you. We have the best doctors, one's who are greenlighted to move fast. Maybe you should see one before you go."

It wouldn't hurt to check. Maybe with a civilian doctor, though. "Well, I- no. There's a situation, Buffy's involved. I need to tell her what I found."

"You found nothing. We don't know anything about Dracula. Until you came, we thought he was a storybook character. And what situation could Buffy have that she couldn't handle without you? She's a one-man, sorry, one-woman unit."

"She needs me."

"Yeah, I get that. She loves you and everything, but if she loves you, she'll let you get better, even if it means trusting someone she hates, like the old Initiative doctors."

If she loves me, she'll let me get better- even if it means trusting someone she hates. Riley looked confused, jaw flexing.

"It's Dr. Overheiser. He was an Initiative consultant, but he was reassigned, just like me, Goodman, and Brown. Regular army. He'll be working at Walter Reed before you know it. Get on his list now. Start the meds today. I can talk to my C.O., get you a fast-track clearance to-"

"I can't just leave her."

"You're gonna leave her for a place in Arlington if you don't take care of this. Look, I don't claim to be best friends with the girl, and I know her head might be a little spacey, but her heart is in the right place. She'd want you healed. She's- she's one of the good ones. They put others first."

Hammer blows against his conscience. "Dracula is after her, Graham. I know that sounds like the title of a bad Saturday morning cartoon, but it's the truth. The Slayer would be his ultimate conquest."

"And what are you going to do? Have a heart attack at him? Distract him with adrenal burnout while she kicks his ass and calls you an ambulance?"

Riley threw the punch and found himself flat on his back under the hands of Graham, Brown, and another guy he didn't know. "Calm down, Finn!"

"I don't take orders from you!"

"No, you don't. You're not a soldier anymore. And if you ever want to be one again, you'd better get your system fixed, and get back to active-duty status." Rubbing his jaw with one hand, he pulled Riley up with the other. "Ellis could use a guy like you. He's heading the mission to Belize. Real deal, regular army, saving people, helping the local government, putting down carnage-causing demons, not bringing them back to use like big, talking lab rats."

"Buffy-"

"Would wait for you. Or are you happy in Sunnydale?"

"I'm happy with her! That's worth more to me!" Riley spat. Only right now, I'm angry. But that's temporary.

"Well… then get your damned heart fixed so you can use it for longer and keep her in it, you idiot. I'm making the call. Go pack a bag and talk to her. You know I'm right."

"I'm not even showing any symptoms," Riley grumbled. "She needs my help first, this could await a couple weeks."

Graham was tempted to smack his former field leader. "Oh, yeah, 'cause chicks dig guys who have non-functioning hearts."

Riley stormed off, muttering under his breath, "You'd be surprised what turns her on."


"Spike! This is a- not entirely unwelcome surprise. What are you doing here?"

"Uh… thanking you. For the blood. An' the orders for blood. Yeah," Spike said nonchalantly, pushing his way past a disheveled looking Giles. "Good stuff, too, fresher than I usually get at the butcher's. Guess it would be, collected right as the beasts bleed out. Nice."

The quarter bottle of spirits Giles had imbibed in last night sloshed warningly in his delicate stomach. "You're welcome. It was our way to thank you. You didn't need to come over."

"Yes, I did."

"What's wrong?"

Spike paced. Turned, jabbed a finger in Rupert's face. "What the bloody hell kind of spell was that last night? An' you lied to me! You said it wouldn't affect the internal organs, it was just the skin! She couldn't feel her heart beatin', she could hardly talk, couldn't make a decent fist, couldn't breathe! Well, she didn't think she could breathe. I thought she was gonna pass out!"

Giles watched him in amusement, alarmed amusement, however. "So you came to berate me for scaring the woman who has faced down more denizens of hell than you've had years on this planet?"

Spike struck a match, inches from some precious knick knack of the Watchers, making him jump and grab for it protectively. "You scared her," he growled.

"I - I didn't know I would! I've never used the spell!"

"She was terrified I was gonna hurt her since she couldn't feel pain and it wouldn't set my chip off. That's not how it works, anyway. Takin' a swing at her would completely registered as plannin' to harm her, and cause me pain whether or not she felt it. Look, I think she's finally trustin' me, and you are not to mess about with that stuff anymore."

Giles regarded the angry vampire coolly. "Are you threatening me?"

"No! I'm- don't you want her to get through this without pain? Or fear?" Spike pled for her.

Giles blinked owlishly. Am I still drunk? Is this an illusion? His face seems so- tortured on her behalf. The enemy warns her guardian to protect her? I must have coffee. "Would you like to sit down?"

"No, I'm not stoppin' long. Just couldn't sleep. Been buzzed for hours. I didn't take much! She's just that strong," he said with a touch of reverence.

"You sound very concerned for her."

"Of course I am! We're all 'bound up' now. She called me- she said it back." Spike sat down heavily after all. "She can't put any sort of hold on me, you know. She's just human."

"Mhm." Or perhaps there's something a bit more in Slayers.

"But the fact that she said it back means a lot to me. This is a piss-poor situation and she an' I are no sort of friends, so the fact that she did it…" He ran his hands distractedly through his hair. "You gonna laugh at me now? Look at the pathetic vampire, all in knots from playin' nice."

"No. I don't find this funny," Giles stared at him with an unreadable expression. "I'm making coffee. I need it. You can have some if you want."

"I don't think I can take it. I'm 'bout to blow my bloody stack already. I just need to get this done with so I can have some peace again!"

"You're eager for this to be done?"

Spike watched him enter the kitchen. He was out of eyeshot now. He face crumbled before he stiffened it back up to a brutal snarl. "Of course I am!"

"Buffy isn't," Giles called. "Ooof! Spike, honestly!" He turned and reached for the tap only to find a cloud of black leather and wide blue eyes between him and it.

"What'd she say? She doesn't hate it? Is she sad? Did she say anything about me?"

"Oh, God in heaven, no! No, no, you can't!" Giles slammed a mug down hard enough to lose the handle.

"Just tell me she's all right? She tells me she is, but I worry that later… that later she's just put on a brave face and inside she's hurting. Even if she-" Even if she tells me she wants it, wants me- later, does she loathe herself? Beat herself up?

Think this thing we feel is a curse, part of a sick cure for a worse disease?

"Spike, it's just temporary. But-" he felt surprised at how crestfallen the other being instantly looked, and how moved he felt when seeing that expression. "But Buffy tells me that you are- good to her. You care for her. What's more, she tells me she cares for you. I know right now you feel very close to her. Perhaps when this is done, you'll remain-" he groped for a suitable word. None came. "Involved?"

Spike's face twisted. "She cares for me? She told you that?"

"Yes. Now, mind you, she's under this same sort of emotional link that you feel, everything is very heightened and - where are you going?"

"Waiting for the soddin' coffee, unless you're tossin' me out."

"No, I'm not." This is bizarre. Utterly bewildering and bizarre. "Uh- but why?"

"Can't sleep. Not hungry. Bored. Waiting for nine so we can finish this thing. Tonight's the trick, Watcher. Two for one. We've done what Drac's done, just missing one more turn. Then she wins?"

"We hope so."

"We're not gonna end it until she's good and sure it's broken on his end."

"Wise."

"You callin' me wise? That's a turn up for the books, init?"

"It is indeed." Giles hesitated. "I'm about to ask you something. Please don't give me any details."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Don't your sort live for details? Record 'em in Latin an' Ancient Whatsis and bind 'em in your sacred Watchers' Library?"

"This will not be described in detail by me-or by you, unless you'd like a rapid exit into a sunny carpark."

"Fair enough."

"Some act of intimacy? You didn't forget that?"

His finger in her mouth. Her sucking wet, white drops off of it while his other hand stroked a thumb over her swollen, kiss-bruised nipple. Two fingers working inside of her to help her release. Soft, tight grip around him to help him let go. "It's sorted," Spike said in a perfectly flat voice.

"You didn't take advantage of how desperate she is to end this to coerce her into-" Giles stopped. Face like a thundercloud. He'd never seen it before. His gran used to say it often. She'd never met Spike. Lightning fairly crackled across ice white skin and blazing blue eyes. "Silly question?"

"Never. She could snap me in half if I put a foot wrong. I do what she likes me to do." A sneaking, unwanted smile peeped out before he could shove it down. "And I bloody love what she does to me."

Giles decided to make this an Irish coffee. "She seems to feel better each day. Thank you for exercising such care with her. Shocked as I am to voice this- we made a good choice in seeking your help. Maybe you'd remain interested in helping her on a more regular basis?"

"If she'll have me, I'm hers. Yours. Your lots. Where the hell's the coffee, Rupert, are you hand-pickin' the beans?"

"Insufferable," Giles added a generous shot of alcohol to the second mug as well.


"Suffering from what? Adrenal what?" Buffy perched in Riley's lap in his room. She placed her hand over his chest and frowned. "Riley! Your heart is racing."

"So is yours." He looked at her sadly. "I'm sorry they couldn't find anything. He knows how to keep off the radar."

"Giles is getting help from the Council. It'll be okay. Look, this hold is weakening the longer he stays away. But your heart? Is it getting worse? This stuff she forced into you, it won't just wear off? I mean, it's been months. Why isn't it out of your system?"

"Oh, it is. It's the damage it did to my organs already. Your adrenal glands are two tiny little things on top of your kidneys. And if they don't work right- you die."

Buffy hugged him hard, impulsively. "Don't die. Can't they do something?"

"There's a doctor, but he's ex-Initiative."

Buffy stiffened. "No! No, they could use this as an excuse to knock you out and then- bad things. Very bad, conspiracy theory things could happen to you!"

"Graham's having his surgery this weekend. He's trying to get me to go back there and get the same surgery. I'd have to go start the prep meds right away, get examined by this guy, Overhesier. In other words, turn around and head back in about an hour."

"I'll come with you. I'll watch your back. You know they can't take me."

"I know." No one can take her. Look at Finn and his pint-sized protector.

I'm a lucky man.

"Let me call Giles and tell him what's going on. Shoot, Xander's still at work. Oh- I have to- argh! I have to- um- go finish something tonight. I could meet you in the morning? They won't start the operation today, will they? I have to patrol. I haven't patrolled in two nights because of the - cleansing ritual. If I'm going out of town I really need to-"

"Stop. I thought you'd never go for this."

"Are you kidding? Of course I'll 'go for this', what choice do I have? I hate them, I don't trust them, but if you do- do you?"

"I trust Graham. His Commanding Officer, Ellis, he's good people. I think I trust them enough."

"Your life or my fear? Your life, every time. I know I should go with you now, but I still have to-"

"I know. The guys. The gang. The vamps." His face shifted.

One vampire. I can't leave with this thing almost done. Or at least, a lot of the way done. I was going to tell him we needed a break. I can't do that to a guy who might have a heart attack! "Riley, I have to-"

"Take care of people. I know, sweetie." He kissed her. She kissed back swiftly, without heat and quickly rose from his lap.

"I'll help you pack. Um. How long will you be gone? Wait, where is the surgery? Where do I stay? Giles or Xander would drive me down tomorrow morning. Or Willow and Tara."

"I haven't told them for sure that I'll do it."

"What?" Buffy screeched. "Riley, it's your heart! You can't live without it! What are you waiting for?"

"I thought you might need me to help with your problem."

She grimaced. "I can handle my own problems. Mine doesn't require surgery. It requires-" she stopped.

He stood. "Vampires. Getting bit. That's still the only option for you, huh?" His hands curled into fists wihout his consent.

"That we know of. But Giles is working with Council. They might have something for us soon."

"I'm so glad you don't mind waiting. You really don't mind waiting, right?" Riley asked, hands relaxing slightly. He saw her stiffen, her sweet face shift into something beautiful but blank..

"I'll wait," Buffy answered softly.

"That's not what I asked."

"Maybe that's not what you should be asking." Buffy didn't want to do this. Told herself not to.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. It's nothing. Let me help you pack."

"No, it wasn't nothing, it was something. You do this to me, you know? You have some big thing, some Slayer thing, and you shut me out so you can deal with it with the 'gang.' And Giles!" Rile's voice fairly slithered over the last word, earning an angry, disgusted look from Buffy.

"One, where the hell did that come from? And two- why is Giles' getting extra suspicion from you? He's like my dad!"

"Yeah, he's real dad-like the way you guys call each other in the small hours and talk on the phone late at night while you're in your bed, the way he used to meet you alone after you snuck out of your house, and the way he still rushes over to 'cleanse' you. What kind of magic is this exactly, and why doesn't he tell anyone the details?"

Buffy pivoted slowly, face white with anger, drawn so tight her mouth could barely move. "Take. It. Back."

He had a feeling he couldn't place. Couldn't place before, but he'd felt it. When the steroids stopped the first time. Withdrawal. Angry. So Angry. It was flaring up more often. Feeling tense all the time. Fight the feeling. It's your system overloaded, toxic levels of adrenaline in your blood, making you do rash things.

He shook himself, startled and sickened by the vitriol that had come from his mouth. "I'm sorry. I - I'm completely out of line. I'm sorry."

"Is it 'cause he's 'in charge'? The Watcher, the Alpha Male, and you want that spot?" Buffy challenged.

"Buffy-"

"Riley, I think that we both have something attacking our better nature at this moment. Stress. Sickness. Dracula. Initiative. We have a lot in common."

"We do," he rubbed her back as he crossed to her side. Why they belonged together.

"But none of it meshes. You know I want you to get better, and I know you want me to get better. Maybe we should take a few weeks to concentrate on that." Was that too vague? I have to be vague. I need the break, but I don't want to literally break him! I don't want to start something with him that ends up putting him in the hospital.

"You're right. I'll let you know the plan after I have the initial examination and start the meds. Maybe they can do the surgery in Sunnydale, or maybe I can transfer back to recuperate. If not, you'll visit and I'll be out in a few days."

Buffy nodded, sharing a brief, one-armed hug with him. And waited.

He saw her expectant look. He bent to kiss her, but her head seemed to weave just as he connected. "Be careful," she whispered as his lips brushed lightly against her cheek.


She kissed him goodbye quickly, but with a lingering hug full of worry and regret. Emotions which were replaced instantly by anger and disbelief once he was gone.

"Do you mind waiting?"

No, the real question is, do you care that I'm waiting? Do you worry what will happen as I'm waiting? How long would you let me suffer before you tell me it's okay to take care of myself?

I shouldn't need his permission to take care of myself!

Is everything fine as long as you don't have to think about it?

I can't stop thinking about it!

She kicked a stop sign. It fell, metal pole cracked in half. "Sorry!" she hissed to the deserted street and hastily picked it up and jammed it back into the ground, the stop sign now much lower to the ground.

"And he made Giles sound creepy!"

She wanted to cry. This wasn't how she wanted to feel. He didn't even get it. And she felt guilty for him not getting it, and guilty for not being there when he was ill and injured, and worried that something conspiracy-theory-ish would happen to him and she'd never see him again, and never know what happened to him.

And in a few hours, Spike would be over to see her and she wouldn't even care.

Guilt. Have guilt.

Where's the guilt about Spike? He-eere guilt, guilt, guilt… She called for it in her brain.

Comfort. Strength. Power.

Guilt wasn't even one of the words she associated with seeing Spike while Riley was sick.

I told him we needed to take a break and focus on our own problems. Spike is part of fixing my problem. So- in a way, this isn't behind his back.

No. No matter how much rationalization I throw at this- it still ought to make me feel terrible. But I'm too busy being mad to feel guilty for long.

She marched off to Giles' flat.


"Hello, Buffy. I wasn't-"

"I want to punch him, but I can't." Buffy flew past Giles and landed on his couch in a moody ball.

"-expecting you. Do come in," Giles muttered and turned to his charge. "What happened, and which person is the object of your wrath?"

"Two times in a row Riley has made these little dirty comments about you and me. His jealousy is getting out of hand."

Giles put his glasses into his pocket very slowly. "Enlighten me."

"Oh. No, Giles, not like-"

"Please." His glacial tone left no room for argument.

"He got uptight that you were in my bedroom. He got uptight that I call you all hours of the night and that you- you wanted to 'cleanse' me. And that you used to sneak out at night with me."

"If I were not your Watcher, bound by sacred, ancient law, maybe I would see some truth to those things. But he knows better. He knows me! He's seen me! And you, together, nearly a year now! I don't have any children of my own, you're my- you're my family, Buffy. I have literally have no one else left in this world, parents, or grandparents, or wife and children- I gave that up for this path, and it led me to you, and so- I'm satisfied. I'm so proud of all you do, all you've overcome." Giles suddenly picked up a nearby paperweight, a beautiful work of glassblowing inside glass, and slowly, gently put it back down instead of hurling it at the phantom of Finn in his mind. "You've been treated to enough childish anger. But I am beyond angry right now."

Buffy left the couch and stood beside him. She ran her hand over his arm and pulled him into a hug. "I love you, too, Giles. He did apologize instantly. I told Riley- I told him I think we need a break to focus on our own issues. I didn't want to do anything permanent, not while I could be influenced by post-vampire thrall and stuff. And that's not even with the bombshell he dropped on me… "


Giles was silent when she was done telling him. "Your situations are actually quite similar. Both of you, through your work in preventing evil from winning its ongoing battle, got exposed to something that threatens your life. You are unable to save yourselves without assistance. One cure is medical, scientific. One cure is ancient, primordial, the laws of blood and possession. You want him to get better. He wants you to get better."

"I thought that, too. Which really, really pissed me off because I cared and wanted to like- be encouraging, and he just wanted to make sure I wouldn't see my ex."

"We must consider that he's not himself. Adrenal overload and high levels of chemicals- they may be altering his brain chemistry. He's seemed more volatile. We assumed it was simple jealousy, but it could be something he can't help."

"Yeah," Buffy said quietly.

"And then I want you to remember something, dear. Even when we have something we can't 'help', we have the power to choose how we treat others. Your 'condition' hasn't changed you except to make you very energetic. You're still the same caring person, simply at high speeds."

"And Spike. He has a chip. And a demon."

"Spike?" Giles asked carefully.

"That's stuff he can't help. But he still- he helps me. That's all. Sorry, I'm just bummed about Riley."

"I imagine." That's actually not what I imagined. I imagined she would cling to him. Or he'd break her heart, she'd be a wreck. Now, she just seems grim and sad. "Buffy, would you like to stay here while your mother is out of town? I know you have to take care of some business with Spike, but if you want to come by after, I'll make up the couch for you."

"No thanks, Watcher-mine. I'm looking forward to just getting home and crawling into bed. I'll call you before I call it a night, though, okay? It'll be late, I told Spike I wouldn't see him until around nine. Going to patrol as soon as it gets dark, just a quick sweep."

"Well, I shan't wait up then, but I'll keep the phone right by my pillow. Call when things are settled."

"I will. I think I'll go home. Eat chocolate. Mope."

He hated to send her home to an empty house, to go out and do heaven knows what in an uncomfortable, increasingly conflicting situation with Spike, and add in worrying about Finn as well. What would cheer her up? "Buffy," he paused with her at the door, playing a very uncertain hunch, "Spike came to see me. He was worried about you. He told me the spell I gave you went badly- which I already knew from your account last night, but he made a point of telling me that I was never to do such a thing again. He felt- and I'm paraphrasing, that you had enough to deal with without my mucking things up. And he was also worried that you were only suffering along with him, hiding any discomfort or sadness until later. He certainly seems to care for you, Buffy. I think that says a great deal, since as you pointed out, he has several things he can't help, one of them being a demon."

"It's just the connection thingy we have for now." She shrugged, trying to tone down the sparkle in her eyes.

"Yes, I thought that. Until he very nearly combusted with joy when I said, considering how well you two were getting on, that maybe you'd still have some connection once this was all over."

She pecked his cheek impulsively. "You wouldn't think that was a bad idea?"

"Not as things stand between you now, no. I wouldn't." She looked suddenly ten years less careworn, endlessly less tired. Hunch well played. "Have a good night, Buffy." He almost added, "with Spike."

"I'll try."

He closed the door and she trotted down the sidewalk, steps suddenly light. Have a good night. I'll try. No, I will. Spike will be there. So everything- everything will be fine.

To be continued...