Itachi ushered me over to the table like I couldn't be trusted not to wander if he didn't watch me sit down.
"Hey there, kiddo," Kisame greeted with a sharp smile. "Feelin' better this morning? Not so in the mood to open up the pits of hell?"
"Mhm." I tried to smile.
Be cool, Izumi.
I must have looked like I was struggling with indigestion based on the questioning raise of Kisame's brow. "Well look at you, getting it out of your system," he said suspiciously, still eyeing me.
Itachi had been right to worry about the whole wandering thing.
I felt myself getting smaller as I stared at the chair across from him, noting it had nothing but an easily crushable table between.
Mildly unappealing.
The seat may as well have had rusty nails pounded up into it, just waiting to be warmed by an unsuspecting butt. My butt was not unsuspecting, however. It was all of the suspecting–irrationally so.
As if Kisame would just revert into a rabid shark-person unprompted? Like his coffee might spill and that'd be enough to send him spiraling into a wild snap of teeth?
No. I knew better on a logical level, but still… I swallowed, just staring and feeling Itachi's hand on my back pushing me to sit.
"Go on. Have a seat," he coaxed at my severe lack of seat-having. "I can take care of things in the kitchen, Izumi. I promise."
Kisame glanced up from his crossword, a wry grin forming. "C'mon kiddo. I don't bite."
He was being playful like usual. This was the Kisame I knew and loved, the one I'd usually engage with in a weird battle of wits–for lack of a better term–because just then I wanted to call him out, ask him 'oh yeah? Then how do you eat?'.
It'd be a stupid question and he'd laugh at just how dumb it was. Then I'd laugh. Itachi would pretend to be unamused, but it'd be an ill-played farce and life would go on.
But no, instead I just chewed at my lip, actively resisting Itachi's push and looking back up at him. "Can't I come help you?"
He gave a quizzical tilt of his head, looking from me to the chair, then Kisame, and the two exchanged an odd look.
"I'd really prefer it if you'd sit and relax, Izumi," he said, not pushing this time, instead opting for a reassuring rub of my back, and that type of affection coming from him was as jarring as ever.
I cast it from my mind, focused on getting out of this, attesting that I could simply sit on the counter.
Itachi hummed. "You really don't trust me with breakfast, do you?"
"No–no, it 's not that!" I blustered, shaking my head.
"Oh? What, then?"
My eyes betrayed me, flitting over to Kisame who was staring at me a little too intently, so I took to inspecting the floor instead. "I–um. Well–I mean, nothing really, just–"
"–Hey! If it isn't the legend herself!" Deidara's voice had never sounded so sweet. I whipped around to see him grinning, lazily scuffing in with his hands linked behind his head, and I was so grateful that I practically flung myself at him.
Somewhere behind me Itachi was sighing in defeat, muttering how he wished I'd just sit down.
"Dei!" I breathed his name with all the relief of not having to sit alone with Kisame, squeezing tight and crushing my forehead into his shoulder. He shook with a chuckle as his arms wrapped around me.
"Ah c'mon, Iz. Don't tell me you missed me already, not after our sweet hang out session yesterday. What's all this for?" he asked, a hand sweeping along my spine.
Face smushed, I mumbled, "For putting up with me. For taking care of me even though it wasted your whole night. I'm so sorry, Dei, I know you have better things to do." The apologetic squeeze I gave him was met with a snort and ruffling of my hair.
Deidara pushed my shoulders back and looked down at me, thoroughly amused. "The hell are you goin' on about? Me putting up with you? Try you putting up with all of us shitheads, She Who Cracks The Earth." He deepened his voice for the moniker like I was some fear-inducing, otherworldly being that split open chasms of hellfire with each awkward, unsure step.
"Oh my God! Don't call me that, it was a total accident!" I groaned with a playful push that did precisely nothing.
He grinned, squeezing me tighter. "It was freaking metal, is what it was."
"Nooo!"
"Yesssss!" he mocked, his voice hopping up an octave with a pinched whine.
A surprisingly good impression.
False–or at least I hoped it was.
"Deidara," Kakuzu warned, rounding the corner into the kitchen with Lucky at his heels. "Do not encourage her."
"Yeah, Dei," I said, pulling back to poke at him. "Don't encourage me. I'll get all sorts of ideas and you know those are bad for my health."
Deidara laughed, snatching up my wrist to prevent any further pokage.
Hah. Silly man.
As if I didn't have a free hand and a flimsy sense of self-preservation. Though what I had in sheer gall, I lacked in dexterity and sneakiness. Before I could even get another poke in, I found both my hands captured by a very smug Deidara.
"You know what else is bad for your health?" he asked, his visible eye narrowing with a playful glint as he leaned in close. "Jabbing an S-rank missing nin in the ribs."
I cracked a smile, a small laugh puffing from my nose before humming thoughtfully as I looked him over. "Mm, I'm not convinced… he doesn't seem so dangerous to me."
"No?" He raised a brow.
"Hmm, no. Sorry. His hair is far too pretty."
Still smiling with a prideful push of his jaw, he held my arms apart and closed the space between us down to inches, voice pitching low into something more dangerous. "Listen here little bean, pretty hair or not, I'm what they call an FoS."
"Pffft, oh yeah?" I laughed. "What's that mean? Full of shi–"
"Flee on sight!" he huffed the instant Kisame began chuckling under his breath at him, dropping my wrists to throw his arms up. "Geez, Iz. Give me some credit here. Be intimidated or something!"
"Aw. Okay dear, you're very scary," I consoled sweetly, patting his chest.
He deadpanned, sulking over to the table and plopping down across from Kisame, muttering, "Why do I get the feeling she doesn't actually think I'm scary…"
Little known fact: Once you've lived with someone long enough to know what they sing in the shower, the scare-factor kinda takes a dive.
For the record, Deidara was into a surprising amount of pop.
"Izumi." Kakuzu's eyes shifted to regard me with a squint and I could tell I was in for scolding of some sort. He was nothing if not consistent.
"Yes?" I blinked up at him.
"I thought I told you to be this thing's keeper. It was outside my door this morning."
"What thing?" I asked innocently, like I didn't know for a fact he was talking about Lucky.
Say his name, you coward.
He gestured towards the ground where Lucky sat, big hollow eyes staring up at Kakuzu, butt wiggling upon noticing the attention. Kakuzu's eyes narrowed further. "You know what I'm talking about."
"I'm not certain I do," I mused, "You're pointing to the floor… oh! Did you want me to sweep? Is the floor's cleanliness not to your liking, sire?"
His eye twitched, the vein in his forehead pulsing. "Do you think this is cute?"
"What, you mean Lucky?" I questioned, squatting down to pet him. "Of course I do! He's the cutest little lump ever."
As soon as my fingers grazed his tushy he whipped around and flopped over to me, clambering to get into my arms. I hefted him up, giggling as he nuzzled into my neck, and I greeted him properly as I was certain Kakuzu had not. "Hello little buddy, are you being so cute today? Are you having a good morning? Are you being the cutest, most handsomest boy ever?"
"Sure am, thanks for noticing," I vaguely heard Kisame answer from behind me and I almost laughed. He needed to stop being funny while I was feeling all squiggly about him.
"Izumi…" Kakuzu growled, probably annoyed at my attention span.
He should be used to it by now.
Honestly though.
I paused the scritches, snapping to look up at him as I hugged Lucky to my chest, resting my chin on his head. "Kakuzu?"
He stared at me for a long moment looking like I'd physically pained him, and his question came out low and muttered. "...Why are you like this?"
Ah, a question I'd asked myself many times. "Do you actually want me to answer that? Because I can, but it'll take me a whi–"
"No," he barked, pulling a hand down his face. "Just… sit down and shut up."
"Yes, please sit down," I could hear Itachi grumble from across the room, exasperated as he stirred at something in a pan.
I laughed, giving Lucky one more hug and a kiss to his forehead before setting him back down. "Okay, okay. But only because you asked so nicely."
Approaching the table, Deidara and Kisame seemed to be in a conversation about all the things Deidara could do to be scarier.
"I can't just make myself taller, dude," Deidara huffed.
Kisame shrugged. "Why not? I did it."
"You did not! You just are tall, it's not like you fucking decided on it!"
"Pft, you don't know that."
Deidara silently seethed at Kisame who grinned, eating it right up.
"Look, Blondie–"
"And names like that don't help!"
Kisame rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine. Look, Kerplowwy Bang Bang Pottery Bird Guy or whatever."
"What the hell?"
"I'm just sayin'! Your hobbies aren't exactly intimidating, what kind of nickname do you expect? At least Blondie rolls off the tongue easier."
"Okay, first of all," Deidara's visible eye narrowed on Kisame, "my 'hobbies' can bury a whole village, you dickhole. And secondly, what kind of fearsome shinobi goes by 'Blondie', yeah?"
"One with pretty blonde hair?" I offered innocently, wanting to cut the tension as I stood behind him fanning a section over his shoulder. Yes, it was as soft as it looked.
"Izumi, don't touch that, you don't know where it's been," Kakuzu muttered from behind, pulling my hand away.
"Hey screw you, gramps! You know my haircare product budget."
"Obnoxiously high."
"Yeah! So don't act like I don't wash up," Deidara scoffed. "And why the hell does this all keep coming back to my hair?!"
"That's a good point," Kisame noted. "Maybe that's what you should do–just shave it off. Then you can be scary, bald explosion guy."
Deidara gaped like he'd just suggested removing his head entirely. "Abso-fucking-lutely not," he chuffed, flipping his ponytail like he was auditioning for a shampoo commercial. "I have the best hair in this whole damn group, no way am I giving that up."
"What?!" Kisame snorted with a laugh. "You seriously think you have the best hair in the Akatsuki?"
"Of course I do, it's not even a question!"
Oh no. These egomaniacs arguing over best hair? This was so not a line of discourse that would end well…
Kisame burst out laughing, waving a dismissive hand. "You're delusional, kid."
"I'm the delusional one?" Deidara questioned with an incredulous shrug. "Who do you think has better?!"
Kisame hummed, looking up in thought and ticking off his fingers. "Well there's Itachi of course. It's fine, but well kept. Rich, has a real nice natural gloss–"
"Okay, biased much? I don't need a damn dissertation about it, yeah?" Deidara interrupted, crossing his arms and slouching into his seat. Over by the range was Itachi shaking his head, quietly murmuring that his hair was nothing special and I stifled a laugh.
Kisame ignored all of this and continued his list. "Kakuzu is a volume King."
Notice how Kakuzu doesn't deny it.
Yeah, he looked weirdly smug even through his mask.
"The hell does that even mean!?" Deidara exclaimed. "I have volume! I have a shit ton of volume!"
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so then there's me. It might not be long, but honestly? The world probably couldn't handle me if it was." He sniffed. "It's very thick, very fun to play with–open offer to anyone, by the way. Uh, let's see here… oh! Sasori's corpse."
"What the fuck!"
"Ah ah ah, calm down, I'm not done. Then Konan–gorgeous coloring, especially in the light–aaand Pain, I guess. Why not."
"You just listed everyone but Tobi and Hidan!" Deidara shouted.
"Oh shit, I forgot about Tobi! Yeah, him too then. It looks fluffy. I should try petting it sometime, though I'm worried he'd like it a bit too much, y'know?"
"You have got to be shitting me," Deidara muttered, glaring at Kisame.
"Is no one going to mention Zetsu?" I asked.
"We don't talk about him," Kisame dismissed, clicking his tongue upon noticing the little heart beast sitting nearby. "Oh, but Lucky!"
"Lucky doesn't even have hair!" Deidara yelled.
"Oh yeah?" Kisame reached down to where Lucky was patiently begging for food, jostled him onto his back, stuffed his fingers into the threads of his belly, and pulled out a small, dirty tangle of random hairs that had gotten caught in him throughout his travels. "Then what's this?"
"That's disgusting is what that is!" Deidara's face twisted with disgust as he scraped back in his chair.
"Still nicer though," Kisame said with a grin, continuing to hold the nasty clump out to Deidara.
"You fuckin'..." he let out a snarl, slapping it away and snapping to look at me. "Izumi! End this now! Who has the best hair in the Akatsuki?!"
Uh oh. This was not a question I ever thought I'd be confronted with, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't already given it a lot of thought.
"Oh no," I said, waving my hands and shaking my head. "No, I am not getting involved in this."
It's Kakuzu.
Yes.
"What?! Why not?!"
"Because she needs to sit down," Itachi said as he milled about, tossing me a stern but pleading look as he pulled out some dishes from the cabinet. "Also, Kisame, please wash your hands…"
I gave him a small smile and continued to stand, sighing big and shrugging. "I'm sorry, but I can't choose. I think everyone has perfectly lovely hair. How about that?"
"That's lame! What're you, practicing to be a politician or something?!"
I snorted and shook my head. "I haven't played with everyone's hair, Dei! How could I possibly come to a fair conclusion?"
Deidara huffed, crossing his arms. "Fine."
"Dei," I said, angling a fond look at him, though he was too busy pouting to notice.
"Yeah?" he muttered without a glance.
"Dei," I repeated, pausing to see if he'd look at me. Still nothing. "Dei, please don't shave your head." I reached out and gathered a section of loose hair which finally garnered his attention.
The look on his face was so caught off guard that I had to fight between playing with his hair and pinching his adorable pink cheeks. I gave him a smile, gently pulling along the soft sheet of blonde before laying it smooth against his shoulder. "I love your hair, okay?"
Finally he seemed to lighten a bit, a begrudging little smile replacing his scowl. "Okay… fine. But I still gotta find a way to be more intimidating."
"Alright," I laughed lightly, "maybe if you're not too busy we can brainstorm later."
"Yeah!"
"Have you thought about sharpening your teeth," Kisame suggested thoughtfully, at which Deidara scoffed.
"Pft, if I wanted to be like you I'd just throw Izumi to the ground and snap at her."
Oh god. I froze in place, a noticeable cringe on my face. This was nothing I wanted to talk about, especially not in a public forum.
The room went quiet and Kisame reared his head back in offense. "The hell are you talkin' about? You hit your head or somethin', Blondie?"
"What?" Deidara barked through a laugh. "My head?! Do you seriously not remember shoving her yesterday? I saw the whole fuckin' thing!"
"What are you–no, of course not because I wouldn't fucking do that," Kisame defended, his usual humor gone before looking to me. Like I was his defense. "Right, Iz?"
Oh, big gulp.
The look on his face told me he genuinely didn't remember the heat of the moment and somehow I felt bad for him even in the mix of my own feelings.
I scrambled for the right words. "Well, um–I mean–"
"Iz?" he prodded, his expression dropping further. "Did I… I didn't do that, right?"
I shifted uncomfortably, taking a step back–closer to Kakuzu who suddenly looked like a giant security blanket to me.
"It wasn't a big deal," I said as confidently as I could with a flippant wave of my hand which didn't feel convincing enough. "It was nothing, really. I'm totally, completely fine about it. Really."
Hey, throw in a 'definitely' and it'll be reeeally convincing.
Kisame's brows pinched, his eyes deep set and unwavering from mine. I couldn't maintain it. My gaze shifted to the wall, to Deidara, then over to Itachi all within a frantic second.
Itachi was locked on me, paused mid-motion reaching for something on the counter like he was buffering and torn between coming over or staying put.
Deidara wasn't even looking at me to realize how much I just wanted to move past it. He was too busy enjoying actually having something to lord over the great and almighty Kisame. "Hey man, I know it was like, a whole twelve hours ago, so don't hurt yourself. Just take my word for it, it was pretty harsh. Poor Izumi."
If Kisame heard him, he was ignoring it. I could still sense his honed gaze and it was startling to suddenly feel Kakuzu behind me.
Unsure of whether I stepped back or he stepped forward, I was just grateful to lean against him. Never mind that it made me feel like a little kid, finding comfort in the weight of his hand on my shoulder as I clutched at his cloak.
The moment I did–fingers twisting into fabric, the feel of a large, sturdy man at my back steadying me against him–something in my mind pulled tight and snapped in an instant. A bursting ache, nothing lasting by any means, but with it came a disjointed jot down messed up memory lane.
Suddenly it was not Kisame before me, but Orochimaru.
His gaze settled on me–unwavering, unnerving.
I was so small blinking up at him, held against someone behind me–large and familiar.
They kept me there, a protective hand splayed against my collar. Their voice was deep and warning, it growled at Orochimaru. "Leave. You're not welcome, not after what you've done."
Things were getting fuzzy. I clung to the still discernible snippets, feeling like a wave was carrying me off too soon.
Orochimaru smiled. His voice tinny and distant. "Now, now… I'm only here to collect what is mine. How very rude of her though… trying to hide such a thing from me…"
Then he was saying… my name? It wasn't right though.
It had this undertone of concern that was so odd coming from those quirked lips. They kept moving and I strained to hear before it all washed away like a sand castle taken by the tide, my allotment of memory apparently at its limit.
Well how fun. So these flashbacks are just a whenever thing now, huh?
"Izumi?" It was my name again, that same voice as before.
"Izumi, are you alright?" It was Itachi's voice, I realized with a start.
I could feel the firm press of fingertips against me, two hands at my waist and another two heavy on my shoulders still. After a bout of stupefied blinking, I saw that Itachi was kneeling before me.
He looked up with a tight-lipped expression that softened only slightly when I swallowed, nodding.
Tipping my head back, Kakuzu was still behind, staring down with all his usual severity as I leaned against him. I unfisted his robes from my sweaty grip, muttering a quick apology as I suddenly became hyper-aware that all eyes were on me.
Kisame was looking at me from the table full of concern and poised to rush over. He was asking if he'd done something wrong–apologizing profusely for whatever it was.
Itachi glanced back at him and motioned for him to stay put before returning his attention to me. "Izumi," Itachi said again, refocusing me. I blinked, meeting his gaze.
"Hi. Yeah, sorry," I breathed, shaking the daze off, still processing. "I'm fine. I… I think it's like you said, I just need to sit," I offered with a shaky smile.
"You're sure?" he asked with an almost imperceptible squeeze of my waist, thumbs pressing into the divots above my knobby hip bones, something meant to be light and comforting if I had to guess, but it was more just… confusing.
"I've got her," Kakuzu gruffed before I could answer, pulling me away from Itachi and toward the table. "You get her something to eat."
My feet hardly kept up as I was practically dragged over and shoved into a seat, wavering for a moment.
"Sit up straight," Kakuzu ordered, staring down at me with his arms folded over his chest.
"Hey man, ease up on her," Deidara interjected with a sharp look to Kakuzu, reaching over and giving my shoulder a squeeze. "You could at least check on her, damn dude. You okay, Iz? Kinda spaced out there for a second."
"She already said she's fine," Kakuzu defended, jaw clenching beneath the cowl.
Deidara pulled a face. "Izumi could be bleeding out and she'd say she's fine!"
"I am!" I blurted, blinking and seeing Orochimaru's face in the flickers of my lids. "I-I definitely am that–fine."
"Then show me. Sit up straight. Stop swaying," Kakuzu said again, shooting Deidara a look that dared him to question his methods.
It was fine. I knew he'd only be this mean because he cared, not that I'd call him out.
"You uh, you need a lap to sit in, Iz?" Kisame asked sheepishly, patting his thighs and giving me this heartbreaking smile that was so forced and full of anxious energy, like he was trying so hard to fix whatever he'd done. "I got a uh, a nice cushy one right here for ya."
"I'm okay, really!" I assured quickly, running my hands through my hair and breathing deep. I sat pin straight to prove it. Kisame frowned. "See?" I looked to Kakuzu expectantly, shimmying my shoulders a bit to draw attention to the rigid line of my spine.
He sighed. "Yes. Good."
"Good enough for a head pat?"
He pulled a face, annoyance mixed with disgust, and grabbed the paper in front of him.
Taking that as a 'maybe later'.
"TOBI CAN GIVE IZUMI HEAD PATS!"
So, Tobi was awake.
He came screaming into the room and I did all I could just to stay in my chair as he proceeded to give me the most enthusiastic, verging on painful head pats I'd ever received.
"Ah! Tobi, that's plenty! That's good! Thank you! Ah! Ok–"
"Knock it off, moron!" Deidara snapped, yanking him away by the back of his cloak, effectively tossing him to the floor where Lucky eyed him warily, hissing low with raised hackles. "She's not feeling good, yeah?"
Tobi grabbed a hold of his mask, frantically scooting away from Lucky who slowly stalked after him.
"What do you mean, she's not feeling good?" Hidan questioned, appearing showered but shirtless in the entryway before waltzing over to me. Looming over and looking down as he played with the ends of my hair, he asked, "Someone botherin' you? Who do I need to deck in the face today, sweetheart?"
"No one!" I attested quickly, following up with a hiss beneath my breath, "And too soon!"
"Tobi," Deidara corrected blandly.
Hidan raised a brow at Tobi who scrambled to his feet and over to Itachi to use as a human shield. Itachi sighed, stepping away from him. "If you're going to be over here, then bring this food to Izumi." He gestured to a plate of white rice and grilled fish.
"Oh yes! Tobi can do that!"
Mm. I'll believe it when I see it.
Tobi grabbed the plate and whirled around only to smack into Hidan who was suddenly right behind him, almost dropping the food to the floor. With a massively overwrought, "PHEW!" Tobi pulled his wrist across his masked forehead. "Hidan! You almost made Tobi drop thi—"
"Hey Tobi," Hidan cut in, and without warning, slapped the plate of food up into his face. "Do me a favor and don't fuck with Izumi, alright? Next time I'll kill you."
"Hidan…" I groaned, watching helplessly from the table.
"Ahhhh! WHYYY?! But Tobi only gave Izumi head pats!" he cried with all the dramatics of having been doused in acid rather than rice.
I pulled my hands down my face, simply watching between my fingers as Tobi freaked out, trying to dig rice out of the hole in his mask with a leather-gloved finger. Lucky was going bonkers on the floor, fiendishly swallowing up all the fish before beginning to hoover the rice.
"Don't let him eat that!" Kakuzu bellowed, looking over with what I could only call angry despair.
"Why not?" Hidan asked, nudging Lucky with his foot but otherwise making no real effort to stop him. "He allergic or somethin'?"
"No, you fucking…" he broke off into a growl. "Do you honestly believe he has a functioning digestive system?! That food is just going to sit in him and rot."
"Oooooh!" Hidan said in understanding, watching as Lucky devoured the last grain. "Welp. Too late now," he laughed.
Deidara was also losing his beans. "We'll just shake him out later, yeah?"
"Like a rug! And we can give him a bath!" I added, thinking that would be pretty darn cute. Lucky all covered in suds, all soapy and such.
"Speaking of your pet, Kakuzu," Itachi said, glancing over his shoulder as he plated more meals. "I think he requires some housetraining."
"It's not my pet," Kakuzu growled, ignoring the rest and returning his attention to the business section of the paper.
"That's right, he's family," Deidara reprimanded with a snarky smile.
Itachi sighed like none of this was the point he was getting at. "Well, whatever he is, he left a mess in the hall."
"Where?" Kisame asked.
"Right in front of my door…" Itachi muttered, grimacing and scuffing his foot against the ground at the memory.
He totally stepped in it.
Yep.
Kakuzu, to anyone not paying very close attention, seemed to dismiss this without reaction. But I was looking, and I was certain I did not imagine the slight, amused quirk of his lips. He cleared his throat and it left as quickly as it came.
"You could try cleaning it up," Kakuzu suggested dryly, not even looking away from the paper.
Itachi stared at him with a certain mounting intensity. Things were typically civil between Kakuzu and Itachi, but right now the tension was palpable and I just wanted to squash it down.
"It's my fault!" I broke in quickly. "I was supposed to watch him! I'm sorry, I just kinda didn't know he could open doors?"
Kakuzu let out a heavy sigh, licking his finger and flipping the page. "Yes. That's a new development."
"Aw, that just means he's getting so smart," I cooed down at him by my feet. Kakuzu chuffed, shaking his head.
Hidan came over with a plate of food and set it in front of me.
"Oh thank you! This looks really go–ahh!" Hidan was suddenly lifting me out of my seat like a ragdoll so he could sit beneath me.
"Heard something about you needing a warm lap," he murmured low in my ear as he situated me back on him, placing a kiss to the crook of my jaw. "I volunteer as tribute."
I smiled, turning toward him as everyone got up to get their food, making sure to keep my voice very low. "I see you've sorted out your, um… problem," I said with a little butt wiggle.
"Oh, you noticed that, huh?"
"I'm extremely perceptive. I notice things like my human chair not having a massive lump in it."
"Mm, massive. I like that. Keep up this squirming and I'll have another massive problem real soon."
"Hidan…" I snorted, facing forward again, my face dusted with pink. I hadn't meant to stroke his ego, yet there I was practically jerking it off.
And here I was thinking we were past that portion of our morning.
"You liked it too, if I recall correctly," Hidan said casually in his normal speaking voice as people started sitting back down. "Like, a lot."
"What's Izumi like a lot?" Deidara asked, settling in beside us.
I was positive Hidan would shout something truthful and gross like 'my COCK' if given the chance, so I answered quickly. "Itachi's cooking!" I exclaimed, shoveling down a huge mouthful of rice.
It earned me a very disgruntled noise from Hidan.
Itachi looked over blankly upon hearing his name. I gave him a full-cheeked smile as politely as I could and gestured happily to the food in thanks. He looked like he wanted to say something, but a quirk of his lips and a nod was all the acknowledgement I got before he turned away.
Situating myself to look back at Hidan, I gave him a pointed look, nodding discretely toward Itachi who was now by himself cleaning up.
He pulled a face, leaning down to whisper, "You got a post-fuck twitch or somethin'? Not gonna lie, that's kinda cute."
"Hidan!" I hissed, cheeks flushing hot again and praying no one else heard that.
Deidara snorted out a laugh.
Welp, he heard it.
Ugh.
"I know you know that's not it!" I scolded. He smirked and I gave him a no-nonsense look, silently declaring it a no smirk zone.
Sighing, he muttered, "Okay, fine. What?"
"Now's your chance."
He hummed. "Nah, I'm not hungry. Especially not if fuckboy made it."
"Oh my God… I don't mean for you to get food!" I whined. "I mean for you to apologize, remember?"
"Ehh, I'm remembering other parts better, give me a second," he said with a stupid look on his face, clearly remembering the other parts in vivid detail. "You sure I really agreed to that?"
"Positive."
"Damn," he blew out a big gust of breath, "I must really love you or somethin'."
And that cracked me. Goodbye serious, stern Izumi–she tried so hard–hello trying not to smile and failing miserably Izumi.
"Then prove it," I goaded, chewing on my lip expectantly. "Apologize."
He laughed low and breathy, shaking his head as he looked me over. "Evil," he said, "but fine. A promise is a promise. One apology comin' up, sweetheart."
"Thank you," I whispered, equal parts exasperated and adoring. I made to move off him so he could get up, but he held me firmly in place.
"Hey, Uchiha!" Hidan called over to Itachi who met him with a blank stare.
Wait… What is he… is he just… doing this from across the room?
"Hey, so, Izumi wanted me to apologize so, uh, sorry you made me punch you."
"Hidan!" I balked, whirling around and smacking him in the chest.
"What?!" he shrugged violently.
"That was the worst apology I've ever heard!"
"Oh c'mon, don't tell me that doesn't count! That was fuckin' hard to say!"
Kisame was dying laughing. "That was honestly way better than I expected."
"Tobi next, Tobi next!" Tobi chanted gleefully, banging his hands on the table like getting a quarter-assed apology from Hidan was some sought after prize. It was Deidara who shut him up this time, grabbing the back of his head and forcing it down into his plate.
"It's really fine, Izumi," Itachi said over the muffled Tobi noises, hanging up a rag and grabbing a plate of his own. "We're shinobi, not school children. I don't require an apology."
"I just… He could have been nicer…" I grumbled, giving Hidan a stern look. Super angry eyebrows.
"You want me to be nicer? Here, try this–" based on the mischievous look in his eye, nothing good was about to come out of him, "–Hey Uchiha, purple looks great on you, man." He loosely gestured to his face about where Itachi's bruising was. "I really think it's your color."
"Oh my god…" I groaned. Itachi sighed and began eating, ignoring him entirely.
Kisame smiled sharply from across the table, leaning back and taking a thoughtful moment to chew before responding. "Bet it'd look better on you, Hidan. Really bring out your eyes. Want me to help with that?"
Hidan somehow managed to flash an equally sharp grin despite his blun teeth. "Oh honey, I know I look good in purple. You forget who my partner is? I wear it all the time."
"Leave me out of this," Kakuzu grumbled. I'd nearly forgotten he was at the table he'd been so quietly engrossed in his reading.
Kisame let out a belly laugh and it was a weird reminder of how usually good-natured he was–despite the subject at hand being beating Hidan into a bruised pulp.
Even though the apology was less than stellar, the result was about as good as I could have hoped for. The air of tension was mostly gone, and no one endeavored to destroy each other throughout the rest of breakfast.
The worst that happened was Kisame getting in some trouble for feeding more fish to Lucky under the table thinking Kakuzu might not notice–he did. At least we had to clean him anyway.
So I sat there contently looking around as everyone finished eating. It wasn't perfect. Things were uncomfortable with Kisame. The lingering tension between Itachi and Hidan. Lucky and Tobi were both different brands of chaos that needed constant supervision.
But despite all this, my heart felt as stupidly full as my stomach.
Hidan was beneath me, his chin on my shoulder, hands idly rubbing my thighs, nose occasionally nudging against my jaw. He'd follow up with a kiss and a combination of sweet and perverted nothings.
Him and Deidara were getting along really well, cackling throughout most of the meal which made it hard for me to hear the quiet conversation going on between Itachi and Kisame across the table.
Even so, Itachi caught my gaze a few times and met me with something close to a smile for one of them.
Kakuzu even indulged me with some conversation when I asked what he was reading. There were going to be tax hikes soon, so he told me all about his plan to evade them and I listened with a blank smile and many nods, fiercely pretending to understand.
Small problems aside, things were good. I was alive and awake and home.
"Why are you doing that with your face?" Kakuzu muttered upon noticing my doofy stare.
"You mean smiling?" I asked with a laugh. "Is it bothering you that much?"
He merely grumbled in response.
"To be fair, Iz, it is kinda creepy when you're smiling at nothing, yeah?" Deidara said.
Hidan agreed, "Yeah little known fact: Izumi is actually super creepy."
I gaped, shifting to look at him as Deidara started cracking up. "What the heck! Who's side are you on?!"
"Hey now, you're the one always staring at me when I'm sleeping and shit. You're like, totally obsessed with me or somethin'," he said, looking wayyy too amused for his own good.
"I'm not creepy and I wasn't smiling at nothing!" I defended. "I was smiling at breakfast!"
"At breakfast," Deidara laughed.
"Yes. Breakfast. In case you forgot, I wasn't attending them for a while," I huffed, jabbing at what was left of my food. "This is the first time I've gotten to eat with you guys in a few months so excuse my joy, please."
"Oh shit… you're right." Deidara blinked, realization dawning on him as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Aw man, now I'm just an asshole. Sorry, Iz."
With a tilt of my head I gave him a smile. He was cute, that much I could concede, and lucky for him it made up for some of the things that came out of his mouth. "It's fine, Dei, I know you're not just an asshole."
"Yeah, you're also a dick!" Hidan jeered, elbowing him in the side.
"And a jackoff douchebag," Kisame added. Hidan laughed, clearly excited by this new game of how many insults can I sling at my friend, and I could see the gears turning as he mentally scrambled for some more.
"Ohh and a very smart and handsome senpai!" Tobi jumped in, clearly not understanding the rules.
"I agree with Tobi!" I said, hoping against logic that our positivity would be enough to stop the onslaught of Deidara denigration.
Hidan scoffed, "Pffft, more like a dildo fucknut!"
What the heck is a dildo fucknut?
A question for later.
"Oh yeah?" Deidara said, seeming amused. "Well, I'd rather be a dildo fucknut than a neutered little bitch boy."
Kisame barked out a laugh and things quickly devolved from there–three grown men all slinging insults at each other and one Tobi, trying his hardest to be a good boy.
I just sighed, glancing at Kakuzu who was ignoring them with professional prowess, then over to Itachi who was quietly monitoring the situation as he ate. He was already looking in my direction, so catching his gaze was easy enough.
A shrug and an exasperated sigh was all I could give him as the insults became more frequent and even louder, something about a 'greasy taint monster' was shouted by my ear, and I couldn't help but laugh.
The corners of his mouth perked at this and he gave me a head-shaking gesture as if to say, "You're the one that said you missed this."
I really did.
"Okay boys," I eventually interjected, wanting to be authoritative, but my laughing probably ruined that. "That's plenty, I think. I'm very sorry my happiness was so disturbing and I'm even more sorry it somehow created this." I gestured to whatever the heck was happening. "I promise I'll try to keep it in check."
"Tobi forgives Izumi! Tobi doesn't mind that Izumi's creepy!"
I snorted. "Thanks Tobi. You missed the point but…" I sighed, "you are a good boy."
He squealed at the simple praise–I had to admit, there was a lot to unpack with him and I wasn't so sure I wanted to. Best not to question the jacked man-child in a criminal organization.
At Itachi's insistence, I ate another small serving before Tobi was made to clean everyone's dishes. In an obvious display of caretaking one-uppery, Hidan was adamant that he carry me back to bed for more rest. It did not matter that I wasn't tired in the least.
I called for Lucky and he flopped behind us happily.
Hidan was sweet in setting me up in bed with a nest of pillows and blankets, making sure I had a good book and some water on the nightstand. Lucky scrambled up, flouncing over to the little valley between my legs where he spun around a few times and settled down with a content plop.
"You guys are cute," Hidan said, giving me a peck on the cheek. "I'm gonna go, okay sweetheart? Just wanna get training out of the way early so you can get some rest. I want you feelin' alright for our date tonight."
"Okay," I agreed with a resigned smile. He was… a little less sweet after that, but I was positive good intentions were there.
"I am gonna fuck you so good later, baby girl," he promised, fluffing the pillow behind my head and running a hand through my hair, "So rest up now, don't want you passing out before I get to come all over your cute little ass. Been thinkin' about you non-stop, baby girl."
"O-okay," I choked, at a loss for words at his brashness as always. He grinned, gave me another smooch, and was on his way.
An Aside: Hidan and Kakuzu, Deidara and Tobi
"Sooo after training I need today off. Maybe tomorrow too, I don't know yet," Hidan declared as he sauntered back into the kitchen to find Tobi finishing up at the sink, Deidara getting up to leave, and Kakuzu still engrossed in his morning reading. Kisame and Itachi were already gone.
Kakuzu spared him a glance over the top of the paper, grumbling, "Do I even want to ask why…"
"Oh, can I have today off too?" Deidara joined in.
"Who do you think I am?" Kakuzu questioned, incredulous at the sheer idiocy. "You're not my partner and I don't give out the work orders anyway."
"I don't know, you're old?" Deidara shrugged. "I mean, you definitely act like you're in charge sometimes."
"No," Kakuzu said.
"Wha? Who are you saying no to?" Hidan asked.
"Everyone."
"Even me?" Deidara questioned. "Because you definitely are old, I don't think you can really deny–"
Hidan shoved himself between Deidara and Kakuzu, leaning on the table and looking down his nose at Kakuzu with a pleading, sort of annoyed look. "Come on, Kakuzu. You know we don't have shit to do. We just got back. Just a day, that's it!"
Kakuzu shot Hidan an impatient glare. "What on earth do you need time off for, Hidan?"
"Well, I sorta told Izumi I'd take her out. Just like, on a date! Nothing dangerous!"
"Ohhh a date!" Tobi squealed, running over covered in soapy sink water to wrap himself around Deidara's shoulders, rocking him back and forth in the tight embrace. "Senpai could bring Tobi and we could make it a DOUBLE DATE!"
"We're not going on a fucking double date, Tobi, now get off me!" Deidara ground out, worming out of his arms and shoving him to the ground for the second time that morning.
"Do you mind?" Hidan turned back to ask. "Tryin' to have a conversation here."
"Uh, yah, I know, and I'm trying to listen to it!"
Hidan sighed, turning back to Kakuzu. "C'mon, man. I already told her I would do this."
With a tired shake of his head, Kakuzu just muttered, "It's not my fault you lied to her."
"I didn't fuckin' lie! I just need the time!"
Kakuzu slammed the paper down, clearly realizing he would not be reading it while Hidan was present. "It's not about the time, Hidan. As always, you have not thought anything through."
"What's that supposed to mean!? You're just jealous I got plans without you for once!"
"Redirect your petulant anger, boy," Kakuzu growled. "As if I care what you get up to in your down time. Pain will never approve her being taken off premise for recreational purposes."
"I ain't looking for fuckin' approval," Hidan sneered, looking like the suggestion alone was a smelly one. "And in case you didn't notice, he ain't exactly around a whole lot! Just cover for me, man. What's the big deal?"
"I'll cover for you guys!" Deidara piped up. "Tobi will too if I tell him to."
"Tobi would rather go on the double date…" he pouted, now resigned to stay on the floor like giant starfish. It didn't help that Deidara's foot was on his stomach.
"It's not about that either. Pain will know when you leave," Kakuzu said, raising his right hand, middle finger at attention.
"Okay fuck you too!" Hidan snapped, making a motion to grab that finger but Deidara pulled him back by the shoulder.
"Dude, no. He's talking about the rings," he realized aloud.
"Huh?" Hidan's face dropped into something stupid. He stared at the ring on Kakuzu's right middle finger, then his own, worn on his left index. It occurred to him that he was directed to wear it at all times, but never really questioned why. "What about the fucking rings?"
"They're like trackers or something, yeah?" Deidara said, splaying his hand out, inspecting his own.
"No shit?" Hidan mused, gears turning. "I guess Pain does talk to us through them sometimes… Well in that case, I'll just leave it here."
"It's not that simple. He can tell if you take it off, Hidan." Hidan stared down at the silver band, idly twisting it like he was deep in thought. "Now let's go," Kakuzu gruffed, pushing him along by his shoulder. "We can get some sparring matches in."
"Yeah… sure," he agreed, scuffing along, mind elsewhere. "Wait… you wanna spar with me?! You always wanna do solo stuff!"
Kauzu raised a brow. "Are you going to make me regret it?"
"No!" Hidan blurted quickly with a sudden pep in his step, catching up to his partner.
Kakuzu couldn't help but feel like maybe he ought to give Hidan a little more attention every now and then. It seemed to make him excited. Too excited. It was… irritating, or something. Perhaps normalizing these little acknowledgments would be best for both of them.
Deidara yelled at Tobi to get up, that they should do the same, and Tobi got excited all over again at the idea of a double spar. Deidara had to explain several times on their way out that double-sparring was not the same as double-dating. Also that they would be doing neither of those things.
It was after a lot of thinking throughout his morning activities, a shower, and checking in on Izumi that Hidan finally felt he had a pretty good date plan formulated. He could be clever when he wanted to be, and damn did he want to be.
Izumi was getting that fucking date. It would be awesome. He refused to fuck this up.
Luckily Deidara said he'd wear Hidan's ring for him while he was out. They agreed, no flying around and being places Hidan wouldn't normally be and all that. He promised to hang out and watch Lucky in Izumi's room for the evening.
In exchange, Hidan agreed to wear a turtleneck for a week, which Izumi wasn't particularly thrilled with, but it was a small price to pay in his eyes. Hidan felt confident their plan would work.
Sure, so Pain could tell when the ring came off, but there was no way he could tell who was wearing it, right? Deidara and Hidan pressed the tips of their fingers together and carefully slid the ring off one and onto the other–a seamless transition.
They high fived when nothing of note happened over the next ten seconds, taking it as undeniable proof of their success. There was no way this wasn't going to work.
"Hidan," Pain greeted with crossed arms, standing outside as Hidan opened the door to leave with Izumi in tow. "May I ask what you think you're doing."
Wrong.
"You gotta be fuckin' kidding me," he muttered, glaring at the only thing standing between him and making Izumi happy. Some edgy ginger fuck.
"I'm not kidding, no. I'm actually very curious to know why Deidara is wearing your ring right now."
"How the fuck–wait, are you spying on us with these things you creep?!" Hidan yelled, tugging Izumi to get behind him. "Because I definitely didn't see this shit in the contract!"
"Hidan, you never signed any contract…" Pain sighed, exasperated already and pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Well maybe you should… I don't know, consider them! Like what kinda fucking organization are you running here?!"
"An illegal one," he deadpanned.
"Well then I got no reason to play by the fucking rules, do I?" Hidan challenged.
"Hidan," Pain said flatly. "Where were you going with her?"
"I'm just taking her out for a sec!" he shouted, huffing angrily. "It's one village over. It's not even that big and it's only like an hour away. Just for dinner. Look, I fucking promise I can take care of her."
"Okay. That's what I thought," Pain said, holding out his hand in a halting gesture. "Change in plans then–you will not be doing that. Go back inside and bring her with you."
"Or what? You gonna kill me?" Hidan laughed, stepping forward and tipping his chin up.
Pain stood with his palm still out like it was more a threat than a signal to stop. "Not exactly," he said. "But how would you feel if I put a lock on her door, Hidan? One that only I could open?"
Hidan paused, a deep scowl forming. Yeah. That was a threat he didn't like.
"What if…" Pain mused, seeing this was definitely the road he needed to go down, "I put her in a metal-lined room, one she couldn't escape from, and made my eyes the only key to open it. Hm… that would be reckless though, wouldn't it? I can be indisposed for long periods of time. Perhaps I could have it open for the rinnegan and sharingan. Yes, I think that would work, don't you?"
Jaw clenching several times, Hidan did not answer immediately. He leaned in, not fully advancing but definitely not backing down, and spat on the ground by Pain's feet. "Do that and I'll rip your stupid swirly ass eyes out of your fucking skull and make a cute little keychain out of them."
Pain's lips quirked up just slightly in a rare show of emotion, and Izumi, looking on absolutely mortified from behind Hidan, did not like it one bit. She tugged at him, quietly urging suggestions to go back inside. "It's okay, Hidan, maybe we should just–"
"Is that you talking, Hidan?" Pain asked without a blink. "Or them?"
Hidan's eyes narrowed, nerve struck. His head angled down with a glower, gaze sharply focused on Pain from beneath deeply angled brows. "Does it really matter?" he finally asked, voice so rough it was nearly a growl.
Pain seemed to consider this, though he also seemed to dismiss it after only a moment. "You seem to forget that she is Akatsuki property, first and foremost," he said with an ominous tilt of his head, eyes flickering to Izumi and back to Hidan. "And I have been more than lenient in her handling, allowing you all to treat her like a pet… But I don't need to be."
"Fuck. You," Hidan seethed, squeezing hard at Izumi's wrist.
"Hidan, please," Izumi begged in a whisper. Hidan's nostrils flared, his chest puffed. He only stopped seeing red at the small, pained noise squeaking out of Izumi as she pried at his fingers, his grip on her so tight.
"Shit, sorry baby!" he whispered in a rush, bending down and grabbing her wrist to inspect it, frowning at the red crescents his digging nails left behind. She rubbed it, assuring him it was okay and pleading to just go back inside.
At odds with himself, he looked back to Pain and straightened up. Pain met him with a raised brow. "Case in point. Now go back inside, Hidan. I won't say it again."
After a tense moment of the two simply staring at each other, Hidan shook his head and scoffed. He turned on his heel, snatching Izumi up and effortlessly hoisting her into his arms, yelling back over his shoulder, "I'm gonna kick her door off it's fucking hinges before you can even think about putting a dumbass lock on it, asshole."
"Um, please don't do that," Izumi said. He laughed, letting her know he couldn't make any promises.
They made their way back through the common area where Kakuzu was sitting. "Bad date?" he asked, and there was literally zero attempt to hide the thick undertones of I told you so.
"Shut the fuck up, Kakuzu," Hidan sneered, stamping past him, down the hall and practically kicking Izumi's door down like he'd said.
"Whoa, what the hell?!" Deidara shouted, rearing his head back. He was sitting on Izumi's bed donning a half-dried mud mask, paused in the middle of painting his toenails. "What happened?!"
Hidan set Izumi down and looked at Deidara, shaking his head. He sucked at his teeth with a long, drawn out breath, hands on his hips, and said, "Welp, Plan B it is."
Deidara paused for a second before grinning, the mud mask cracking at the cheeks. "Yeah? For real?"
Despite his seething rage only moments ago, a wolfish grin spread across Hidan's face. "For fucking real. You still in?"
"Oh, I'm in."
Izumi stared at them helplessly, not a shred of a clue as to what that meant. But if they were both this excited over it, it couldn't be good.
A/N: HOW ARE YOU ALL DOING? I know it's been forever T_T Based on recent news, things do not look good for the longevity of ffn, so I am dropping a reminder here that my handle on AO3 is the same (fireflylitsky), though the story on there is called 'Oh Honey, There Goes Your Bastard' (It's also a more edited version and includes art sometimes)
Thanks for reading dears 3
Question for the audience though, who ACTUALLY has the best hair in the Akatsuki?
