"Dad, you sh-sh-shoulda seen Bella!" Tony had the prettiest smile on his face while he reenacted what happened over dinner, in his own words; I was a white knight and Jordana was a fire-breathing dragon, leaving his grandmother to play the role of a fair queen. It was actually very cute hearing him spin the tale, his face often morphing with several emotions at one time. Edward locked eyes with me halfway through the story, our three bodies close in the backseat of his Escalade. Somehow, his fingers found my limp hand in a warming gesture- my eyes widened when he locked his long, rough fingers inside of my own. Sure, it was just holding hands but in some weird way it felt like we were doing so much more. It was as if we were connecting in some freakish bond, wherein nothing and no one could come in between. It felt… so nice. Our interlocked hands caught Tony's attention almost immediately, and he wasn't a subtle kind of child. "You're being lovebirds!" And he didn't say it in a gross, you're-being-lovebirds way that children often regarded adults. Tony said it as if he was hoping, dreaming, wanting us to be lovebirds.
The thought that I was somehow giving him false hopes made me visibly frown- I didn't mind playing mother to him because it came so easily. But playing girlfriend to Edward was a completely different matter! I could never escape a man like him, he was all-consuming. I knew that I was not, and possibly would never be, ready for a man like him. Slowly, I pulled my hand away from his and scooted closer to the cold, snow-laced window and away from the father-son duo I was growing too attached to already. "I think… I must be heading home." Edward had mentioned an ice cream parlor that was especially open tonight late into the evening, and before I felt what I just felt, I was up for the frozen treat. But now, I was feeling different. Part of me was disgusted and perturbed by the way I allowed myself to fall into some lucid dream where I was good enough to be Edward's girlfriend and perfect enough to be Tony's mom.
To be perfectly honest, I sucked.
Not just as a mother or girlfriend, but also as a person. I drank too much, cursed too much, slept in too much, cared too little, had a horrible diet, and a boring childhood… why, for even a second, did I consider myself worthy of the Cullens? Suddenly, I felt so claustrophobic and absolutely sick to my stomach. "St-stop the car! Edward, make them pull over!" I nearly screeched, feeling my inner panic surface so crudely. I saw it in Tony's eyes- I was scaring him, yes, but I was so scared myself. For a moment, I didn't think of myself as his guardian or a wannabe Lady begging for Edward's approval; I was a frightened little girl trapped by two perfect, beautiful people that I was too lucky to keep. Within the next moment, the car pulled to the side and I thrust myself onto the empty street. I was flooded with the orange street lights glistening against the snow-covered sidewalks, seeing as everyone was tucked into their family-ridden houses this late at night and so close to Christmas Eve. Edward and Tony should have been back at Alice's Christmas party, enjoying her lavish food and gifts and sophisticated conversations. Instead, we were pulled over on Visby Avenue and I was at the corner of the street in a skimpy cocktail dress.
Perhaps the residents of my hometown knew I would end up like this- maybe that's why they never took a liking to me? They could see my mother written all over my face, and they knew I would grow to be lonely and confused just as she was. "Bella, what's wrong with you? It's below freezing out here. Get back in the car." Edward brought his expensive overcoat tighter around him and walked towards me in a peaceful manner.
"No!" I called out, shivering in my pea coat and tall heels. "I just wanna be left alone, alright?" My voice was on the verge of tears, but I would be damned if he saw me in such a weak state. I took a look at the closed doors of his black Escalade- I felt like such an asshole for causing a stir in the evening. Green Eyes didn't deserve to see me like this. I was failing him, once again, and it was entirely my fault this time. "I just- I'll walk home, okay? I need to think." I sucked in the snot threatening to roll down my face, but these Chicago winds were playing against me. If God was good, it wouldn't snow on me and I wouldn't freeze my ass off. But either way, I was going to walk myself home no matter how good a warm car sounded.
"That's not happening." Edward said in a weirdly haunch tone. "Now get in the car, Isabella." The frustration and hurt in his voice made me want to do just as he said.
But I was steadfast. "No, I'm not getting in the car. You don't understand, Edward! I'm walking home." I said with gritted teeth and began making my way to Thirty Second Street. Edward was quick on his feet and stood in front of me- holding his long arms out as to block me from my voyage. I made an angry noise and brought my hands out from their spot in my jacket pockets. "Move! Please just get out of my way!" I gestured with my hands.
"I don't get what the fuck happened to make you act this way? Where is the bullshit coming from? Are you drunk?" Edward asked in desperation, a stern expression encompassing his usually blank face.
"I am not drunk- you fuckin' idiot, you think I would be drunk around our-" Did I almost just say "our son"? I shook my head against the creeping humiliation and pushed at him physically instead. Sadly, he didn't even budge. "You're harassing me now, Edward! I want to be left alone! Just fucking move already!"
"You think I'm the fuckin idiot here? You threw your ass out of the car and into below zero weather! Look," Edward let his arms fall to his sides and looked away from me as he spoke. "Please get back in the car with Tony. He's scared out of his fucking mind with you out here. Whatever issue you have with me because I wanted to hold you anyway I could… I'm sorry for that. That shit won't happen again." It broke whatever small piece of my heart that I had left to hear him say that. Of course I wanted him to hold me! I wanted to be with him, near him, around him all of the time! "I'll tell my drivers to take you home and I can wait for another car here." I bit my lip at his new proposal. What other man would offer a girl like me, especially one that just freaked out over nothing, a deal like that?
He worked above and beyond for me, so why did I get so touchy when it came to him? "I got scared." I admitted softly, letting one tear fall after the other. "You were acting so nice and Tony was looking at me like I was the most perfect person in the world… and it's just so God damn scary! You don't understand- you never could! Everything is so easy and figured out in your life, you have no clue what it's like-"All of my fears and doubts came tumbling out one after another so fast that I couldn't control the velocity of my tears or the tone of my voice.
It wasn't until Edward got in my face and started flinging his hands about in a scary manner that I became aware. "What and you think it's a fuckin' walk in the park raising a son by myself? I got my parents breathing down my neck, my sister wanting more and more out of me every time I see her, family members constantly trying to set me up with other "single parents", a full time, high stress company to run… you don't think I'd like to just walk away from it all?" I had never seen Edward as maniacal as I did now; it was both horrifying and animalisticly attractive. "And then Tony meets you, and he needs me that much less." Edward's green eyes softened drastically when he mentioned his son's name. "You are perfect, at least to him and me- and if that's not enough for you, then I apologize again. We talk about you day and night; what you do, what you say, how special and perfect you make us feel- and I deal with every single question he has. And do you know what he most often asks of me?"
When I said nothing he moved closer to me, if that was possible, and grabbed my face to bring it nearer to him. "He asks why I chose Elizabeth to be his mother and not you." My heart did a weird pitter-patter, causing me to shut my eyes tight against the onslaught of a horrid emotional rollercoaster. I wanted to stay in his grasp, I wanted to run away, I wanted to be back in the car with little Tony… I wanted to do all three at the same time.
"Aro's brother was saying such horrible things… he said I was only after your money and that I was just like your wife- and maybe he was right in the sense that I'm no match for you guys. I have a stupid job, I live in a rundown neighborhood, I don't have this huge, highly dysfunctional family to invite to dinner parties, and I don't ever think I'll be qualified enough to raise Antonio the way a real mother could." There it was, all of my worst insecurities splayed out on the table for him to see, all the while my eyes were closed and my head down. I imagined this Elizabeth chick to be tall and beautiful, with bright eyes and a perfect body. I imagined her holding Tony as an infant and Edward in the background with dazzling smiles. They were perfect and I was no match for that.
"Open your eyes- fuck, Bella, just look at me!" I snapped my eyes up to his and fiercely waited for him to spit his reply out. Was he going to agree with me? Did he now realize exactly why I wasn't the person for the job? "What can I do to prove to you that you're absolutely perfect? I want you in our lives; in any form you're capable of coming in." That sent off warning bells in my head- what exactly did he mean by that? Was he trying to say that I could ever be more to him than just Tony's pretend mommy?
And then he did it- right there in the middle of the street with just the beginning of falling snow and the midnight Chicago wind to see, he kissed my glossed lips hard and whole-heartedly. He wasn't the first man I had ever kissed, but he was the first man to make it feel so spectacular. "Edward." His name fell from my lips without even meaning to. He was amazing, in short. Everything he did, everywhere he was- Edward Cullen was a man that knew how to please, and he definitely could manipulate a situation to meet his every need. But it didn't stop there- he pressed for another kiss and then another, each time more bruising than the last; his hands wondered over my heavy coat and then down to my exposed legs and lastly my bum. When we parted, I licked my lips subconsciously and locked into his eyes. We just stood there, completely lost in each other's magnetic pull- I knew my cheeks were rosy with life and my body was completely frozen, but it felt so right to lean against him and just be.
"Let's go home." He murmured against my lips before giving me one last chaste kiss, grabbing my hand to lead me back into the car. Edward stood by my door and waited for me to buckle up and settle in, as if expecting me to bolt away any second. When he got in, he barked a few orders at his driver before sitting back in his seat once more. Tony was silent for the next few minutes; his child-like gaze was directed straightforward, as if I no longer even existed to him. When I collected my wits fully, I turned to him with an open expression and tried to gain his attention. But he was steady in ignoring my existence and kept his green orbs locked on the leather seat in front of him. "Antonio! Do not treat Bella in such a disrespectful way!" Edward bit harshly at the young boy between us and grabbed him by the collar of his dress suit, causing me to slap his rough hands away.
"What's got into you? Don't do that to Tony!" I chastised his father. I was the real bad guy here but I refused to let Edward take his anger out on the wrong person. If he was still mad at me for earlier, fine! But it was not okay for him to treat Tony ill because of it.
"You're s-s-still my mommy?" Tony looked at me with sad, round eyes fresh with tears. I made him cry? It sent another knife twisting into my gut, but I had to get my shit together. I could make it right.
"Of course, Tony." Though I never once agreed to being his "mommy" before, that little fact was long forgotten as he escaped from his safety belt and choked me with one of those I'll-never-let-you-go hugs that you only receive once every hundred years.
"I was s-s-s-scared when you r-r-r-ran away, I thought y-y-y-you were never com-com-coming back! I was so so so so s-s-scared, Mommy. Me and my daddy w-w-w-would be so sad w-w-w-without you." He dug his skinny body closer to me, trying to become one with my vessel. I smiled in earnest when Edward sent me one of those grim looks- it was his own admission to Tony's comment. "P-p-p-please never leave u-u-us again." Together with his sobs and speech impediment, it made it very difficult to understand him clearly. But the things he said made perspiration come to my eyes once more. This kid liked me for some odd reason, and furthermore he wanted me to be around him forever. I jutted my chin on his tiny shoulder and looped my arms and his tiny torso.
"I'll never leave you again, I promise." I said it more to myself than I did to Tony. Running away or walking off was out of the question now- I was here for the long haul, however long that ended up being.
He picked his small head up and eyed me rigorously. "Will y-y-you come home w-w-with me and Daddy?"
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. I was going to have to let him know that I couldn't go home with him; I would have to cancel our plans for Christmas Day and… I'd have to explain that little scene I just made out in the street. "Tony, you see- I can't do that. You and your daddy live in one house and I live in another." It was laughable that I could even call my mediocre dwelling a "house" but for the sake of the conversation, I had to. "Your daddy needs his privacy and it would be wrong of me to invade his space like that." I tried to put it in the simplest of terms, hoping beyond hope that he would absorb this and carry on. I refused to look up at Edward in fear that he would see right through my excuse and crack up at me. But then his father leaned into Tony's ear and whispered something so low I couldn't hear it. Tony nodded, albeit a bit sadly before quirking his lips at me. "What's that look for?" I couldn't help but smile back. These two Cullens were thick as thieves when they needed to be, completely setting me out of the loop.
"D-don't worry ab-b-bout Daddy, he-he-he says he-he will do whatev-ev-ever you want him to do." I blushed a horrible tomato red at Tony's statement, causing me to turn away towards the window to hide it. What was Edward thinking, giving his son a message like that? I wanted to slap and kiss him at the very same time. "Oh, p-please? P-please, Mommy! I'll b-b-be good, I pr-promise!" I bit my lip in contemplation at all of the things that happened thus far; I was already putting myself in impossible situations wherein we all ended up hurt and worse off than before. Tony was now officially referring to me as his mother- how would I explain that to my friends and family? I didn't have anything closely resembling a relationship with his father, and to add to the fact that I had a real, solid relationship with another man just confused everything.
Yes, Andy was going to kill me when he found out that I gained a son and a crazy, rich baby daddy in a matter of two weeks. Andy… I hadn't even whispered that name since I met little Green Eyes. I had a long-standing off again, on again relationship with Andy Dwyer, a man I met while he was staying at VLH months ago. Though nothing had transpired save for a few excellent make out sessions and expensive dinners, I enjoyed my time with him immensely. While in Chicago, he was available and willing to do whatever romantic thing I could dream up. But as soon as he flew back to California things would change drastically- he returned very few calls, almost never messaged me back, and refused to talk anytime past five o clock central time (when I assumed he was off of work). After awhile, I just pushed him to the back of my mind and lived in the moment when he was around.
And so I didn't see much use in telling Edward about Andy's presence in my life and vice versa. It wasn't like Edward was spilling the beans about every girl he was seeing! We all have secrets,but some are better kept than others. And in any sense, Edward didn't deserve to know such private information. "Well, if I promise to stay the night you will have to do something in return for me." I propositioned Tony, whom nodded eagerly. That was the thing about children- all you had to do was start the sentence out with what they wanted to hear and they would agree to a hanging by the end of the ordeal. "I was called into work last minute on Christmas, so we will not be able to spend it together." The happiness in his demeanor dropped within an instant, but I was fast in reacting. "But if I stay the night, I will be able to spend all of Christmas Eve with you. No distractions, just playing with toys and watching cartoons. All day." I pressed further. "And Christmas Eve is just as awesome as the actual day- if not better." I said with a roll of my eyes, as if to say "obviously".
I wanted badly to reveal to Edward that Alice had foiled my thoughtful plans for us to celebrate together, but I thought better of it and shut my mouth. The last thing I needed was to owe him a favor! I figured I had a pretty good picture of him, but people surprised you, you know? You could go around thinking someone is one way your entire life and then they pull a fast one before your very eyes. It wasn't wise to owe unreadable, mysterious people like Edward favors. And plus, working on a holiday meant more money in my pocket and bigger gifts for Tony next time.
Tony puckered his lips in thought and looked from me to his father. "W-what do you t-t-think of that, Daddy?"
Edward regarded me with cool eyes, much cooler than I was use to. "I believe your Aunt Ali runs a tight ship when things don't go her way." So that's what pissed him off? I let it roll off my shoulders like water on a duck's back- worse things could befall me. I was spending the greatest hours of my life with two of the most interesting men I had ever met… things could definitely be worse. "But Mommy has made an excellent point, Antonio. She agrees to spend all day and all night with us. What's better than that?" My heart skipped a beat when he referred to me as "Mommy" not just because it was only the third time someone had ever called me that, but because it was him that said it.
In what way would he and I had ever known one another if I hadn't met Tony? Edward came off as an arrogant jerk at first sight; I would never dare speak more than two words to him and I was so plain and broke- I had nothing to truly offer a mega-man like him. The only thing we had in common was Tony, and it was enough. For now, at least.
