—The Past—

Cambridge, Massachusetts


..

I didn't have a smooth transition out of foster care, not that I was complaining. One moment I was sitting in the middle of the living room while my foster parents yelled at me about not doing my fair share, and the next I was on a plane to spend the remainder of my high school years with Hanbin.

He hugged me tightly when he saw me at the airport, apologized for "taking so long," but I told him that was unnecessary. He'd kept his promise, and that was all that mattered.

Within weeks, he enrolled me in high school and helped me shop for all the things I needed for my new life in Cambridge. Done with Harvard, he was creating a new computer with his former professor, and Lisa had moved in with him as well.

We didn't talk as much as we once did, since she and my brother were always holed up in the living room—working all hours of the night, but I still considered her to be my friend.

"I need your help." I paced her bedroom floor as she stared at her computer screen. "It's an emergency."

I waited for her to look up at me, but she never did. She continued staring at the codes on the screen, not paying me any attention.

"Lisa," I said, my voice firm. "I said it's an emergency."

"It better be." She spun around in her chair and glared at me. "What is it?"

"I got invited to the senior prom. I'm probably one of the only sophomores that'll be there."

She gave me a blank stare.

"Senior prom. Me. This is serious."

"Could you kindly pick up that dictionary to your right and look up the word, emergency?" She rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you interrupted my coding session for that."

"What if he expects a kiss from me at the end of the night?

Another blank stare. Then a long sigh.

"He probably will expect a kiss, Jendeuk," she said. "So, surprise. You'll just kiss him."

"I don't know how." The words rushed out of my mouth before I could think them through.

"What do you mean?" She crossed her arms.

"Kissing," I said. "I've never kissed anyone, so I'll probably make a fool out of myself."

"Probably, but everyone has to learn some way or another." She shrugged. "Is that all? Or do you need me to help you pick out a dress, too?"

"You know," I said, shaking my head, "I'm well aware that you're busy trying to hack systems and get into all types of super important stuff, but could you pretend to be my friend for like five minutes? I promise I'll leave you alone after that and I won't bother you for the rest of the month."

"No, don't." She turned off her computer, and her expression shifted from annoyed to concerned. "You're not bothering me. Congratulations on your first real date."

"Thank you." I stopped pacing the floor. "Do you think I'll make a fool out of myself?"

"Not at all. Kissing is easy, and I'm sure he might be just as nervous as you."

"How? He's a senior."

"He's also on the chess team." She smiled. "I doubt he has that much more experience than you."

I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. "Okay, okay, fine. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion."

"Just a bit." She smiled again. "Did you tell Hanbin about the prom yet?"

I gave her a "You've got to be shitting me" look, and she laughed.

"Stupid question." She held up her hands in a playful surrender. "You'll be fine, though. Trust me."

"Can you show me how?"

"What?"

"You heard me." I looked right into her eyes. "Can you show me how to kiss?"

"Absolutely not. Han would have me murdered."

"Han isn't here right now." I walked over to her door and locked it, watching her eyes widen as I stepped closer to her. "You said I could always ask you for anything, no matter what. You promised."

"I should've added fine print." She stood up from her chair and started to walk away from me, but then she sighed. "Okay, fine, but this never happened. Are we clear?"

I nodded.

She remained silent for a little while longer, and then she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

"The first thing you're supposed to do is shut your eyes."

"If I shut my eyes, you'll leave the room."

"I honestly wish I'd thought of that first." She smiled. "I won't, though. Close your eyes, Jen."

I squinted, not trusting her.

"All the way," she said, waiting for me to oblige.

"Okay." She placed her hands on my waist and pressed her forehead against mine. "He'll probably pull you close like this. And then he'll try to position your head, so it lines up with his."

I felt her tilting my chin up with her fingertips.

"Then he'll press his lips against yours, and depending on how good of a kisser he is..." Her voice trailed off and the next thing I knew, her mouth was pressed against mine, and she was kissing me.

And I didn't want her to stop.

She tightened her grip on my waist and slid her tongue against mine, silently directing me to follow her lead. I wasn't sure why my heart was racing uncontrollably, but I kept my eyes shut as she kissed me even harder.

Just when I thought I was getting the hang of it, there was a knock at the door.

"Lisa? Jennie?" It was Hanbin.

We immediately tore away from each other.

"Yeah?" Lisa walked over to the door and opened it. "What's up?"

"The door was locked," Han said, holding up a fork. "I ordered Chinese. Want any?"

"Be right there."

"Jennie?" he looked over at me. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I smiled, immediately changing the subject. "Did you get Chinese for me, too?"

"You don't like Chinese, so I got you a salad." He smiled back. "Are you sure you're okay? Your cheeks are red as hell."

"I'm more than okay. I promise."

..

..

A few weeks later, I stood on my doorstep and kissed Kai, wishing like hell we'd just ended this night after the dance. It was the rotten cherry on top of a sour night, and the last thing I wanted to do was kiss him, but I stood there under the moonlight, keeping my eyes shut as his mouth moved lazily over mine.

"Are you going to invite me inside?" he whispered.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"This is my brother's place..." And you've been an asshole to me tonight.

"So?" He smiled. "We can be quiet."

"I don't think so." I forced a smile. "Thank you for a good night. I had a good time."

"Well, how about we make it a great night, and you come back to my place?"

I tried not to roll my eyes. "No, that's okay."

"Ugh. Really?" He stepped back. "What a waste of time. I should've known better than to take a sophomore to prom."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I expected something in return for allowing you to go the prom before your time." He had the audacity to look like he was hurt. "You should at least suck my cock to show you're grateful."

I didn't bother responding to that. I walked into the house and slammed the door, heading straight to my suite, halfway hoping Hanbin had broken his promise not to wait up for me.

He didn't.

He never knocked on my door.

I collapsed onto my bed, still in my bright purple dress, wiping away tears every few seconds.

I should've known. Why didn't I see this before?

Rolling over on my side, I pulled out my phone and noticed Kai had sent me two texts.

Kai: Was that a no to showing me you're grateful?

Kai: How much longer do I need to sit in the limo and wait for you?

I sighed and started to type a response, but a text from Lisa appeared on my screen.

Lisa: How was your date?

I saved my "You're such an asshole" text to Kai as a draft and texted Lisa instead.

Me: Awful.

Lisa: I don't believe that. Tell me the truth.

Me: It. Was. Awful. (That's the honest truth.)

Lisa: What went wrong?

Me: Everything...Too much to text.

Lisa: Then open your door.

I stared at the words on my screen for a few seconds before letting them register in my mind. Then I slid out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror before cracking open the door.

Lisa was standing in the hallway with a cupcake in her hand, holding it out for me. "Han told me to wait up for you since you made him promise not to. He's downtown waiting for me to tell him you made it home okay."

"You can tell him I'm okay." I opened the door, and she came in, taking a seat at my desk.

She took out her phone and sent Hanbin a short text. Then she looked up at me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No..." I wiped a few stray tears away as I climbed into bed again. "Not really."

"Okay. We won't talk about it."

She started to ask me about other things, and before I knew it I was laughing, and she ended up in bed next to me. I thought she was going to kiss me again, but she pulled the covers over me and told me goodnight.

Still, her kiss from weeks before had already stamped itself into my memories for years to come. I'd promised myself I would hold her a little tighter, kiss her lips a little harder, if she ever wanted to kiss me again, but she never let herself get that close to me after that.

..

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