Blog Thirteen: I Should Be So Lucky

Greetings

It is 11:56 PM on August the 28th 2013. There is a gentle breeze coming in from the ocean, but despite the hour, I don't feel cold. There is a crescent moon out, a tiny sliver of light floating across the night, like the sky is winking at me while I write this. Our fire is on its last embers, so only glow of my laptop is the only thing illuminating the clearing. I can't see beyond the circle of trees that are enclosing us. Anyone could be out there, waiting in the bushes to come and get me as I sleep, but I'm not afraid. I'm tired of being afraid.

I should be asleep, but I can't shut my eyes for more than a few seconds without feeling overwhelmed. I need to type, to empty my brain a little more before I even can even think about sleep. Sandy's in our tent right now, snoring softly, muttering in her sleep. I hope she is dreaming about something nice. She suffers enough during the day; she doesn't deserve to endure the same while she sleeps.

Why can't I sleep but she can? Well, something happened to me today, something I am still trying to process. Sandy was shaken by it as well, but not in the same way I was. It is simply impossible for her to feel the same as me in this case. She has not had her entire life, all her actions and decisions over the past few months, lain bare before her. She has not had her mind and soul ripped apart in a matter of minutes. She has not had to stare every bad decision she has ever made in the eye and admit to herself how wrong she has been.

I have.

It was hard. For a moment, it was horrible, gut wrenching, torturous. But I survived. And once I had accepted the pain, and accepted why it hurt, things finally made sense. You may think I am struggling to sleep because the horrors of my past choices have returned to me, haunting me in the night. But I am not upset or angry anymore. I am relieved: I cannot sleep because I am basking in the knowledge that the path that lies ahead is the clearest it has been so far in this journey, and I couldn't be happier.

Back when I was first in Celadon City, I made a huge mistake. I thought I had made big decisions and had found all the solutions to my problems. Instead, I simply let myself get overwhelmed, turned a rash decision into a quick fix and then ignored everything that came after that. Every bit of advice, every clue and hint at my fate, everything that happened between then and today I refused to accept, thinking I had made the right decision. Even reading the blog I wrote at the end of the week, there was a hint of me there questioning my choices, wondering what I had done: if I had only realised things sooner, I could have saved myself a world of suffering.

Over the past few days, I have been forced to accept my decision was wrong. To sum it all up, I faced Sabrina and was forced to realise that winning in the wrong way is not a win at all. I faced some familiar faces and was learnt some hard facts, but refused to accept them at the time. I tried to leave Sandy, but she made me realise the truth about our friendship. All of these things weighed down on me, making me question everyone and everything, but it was today that things made sense. Today, I saw my mistakes personified, and realised what I have done and what I need to do now.

What does that mean I will change for the future? Well, not a lot really.

You see, over this past week, I have realised a few truths about myself. Namely, the world, and particularly the situation I have been forced into, is not as black and white as I have been viewing it. There are reasons for everything people have said or done to me in their mission to guide and change me, whether I have appreciated them for it or not. I can see now that everyone has different layers and reasons for doing things, and that the advice they have tried to impart on me probably has been with the best intentions.

However, I have also decided that this is my journey, and ultimately, what I want to do goes. People have tried to help me, yes, but they have done a terrible job of it: I have been badly injured multiple times, Sandy was shot, and if it wasn't a few convenient, you-can't-make-this-stuff-up deus ex machina's, I'd have died about ten times by now.

At the time I couldn't see it, but now I know why Sabrina wanted me to win the battle on her terms. I can see that I need to train harder, better, I need to plot and plan and work my hardest instead of hoping and guessing and setting up. However, I can still plot and train in my own way: it has worked for me so far, so why give it all up now?

Someone told me I need to take control of my own destiny, rather than letting everyone decide it for me. So far, I have been doing that even when I thought I wasn't, being guided and controlled and manipulated from afar, walking into traps and being used as a pawn in some bigger game. Not anymore. People can give me advice and guide me, but only if they are prepared for me to make my own choices.

I saw the cost of my mistakes today. I saw what happens when I let my anger consume me, when I force myself down a path my heart believes is right but my brain does not. If I keep down this path, fighting back against anyone who upsets or wrongs me, I am never going to be able to face my real enemies whenever that day comes.

And now that I know who my friends and allies are, I hope that day happens on my terms. This situation I am in… it's so complicated and strange and violent and weird I still can't get my head around it. Yet I have been running from it and towards it at the same time: I have blinded myself to the world around me, too busy trying to reach the end of this war while also avoiding thinking about it at all cost. Yet you never know who you will run into next – and just because there isn't a robotic army behind someone, doesn't mean they are a good person. There seems to be no avoiding this anymore, but if there is going to be war, I am going to be ready. I need to take control, and I need to prepare myself for whatever happens next. Even if that means doing things someone else's way, but I don't care about all that anymore though. Dying was so last week: all I want now is to live, frankly.

It is 12:11 AM, August 29th 2013. The skies are clear. The wind is gentle. My eyelids feel heavy. It is officially a new day. I have basically been rolling in cheese all day, but I don't care – this is the perfect place to end this. I am ready to face what comes next, but first, I'm ready for bed. (Look, I've been very busy lately; I haven't had time for jokes. Maybe next time.)

Yours reflectively,

Alaska

P.S. Whoever is stalking me on Trainers. net, fuck off. I may be in a soul-searching, moon-dancing, finger-painting mood right now, but I will still kick the ass of the next person I come across wanting to put my face online.