Blog Sixteen: Wish You Weren't Here

Greetings,

I come to you this week from a small island in the middle of Sevii. That's right, I've come back after all these years, and it's exactly how I remember: sparkling blue oceans, beautiful sandy beaches, thick black smoke spewing out from the ruins of a school. Just like you see in the movies!

I kid, of course, loyal readers. Yes, if you saw the news yesterday and thought 'Gee, I wonder if Alaska's involved in that?', well, ding-ding-ding, you're a winner! You can take the girl out of Viridian, but you can't take the unintended widespread property damage out of the girl, can you?

I really shouldn't be joking about all this. It hasn't exactly been an easy few days. But that's what humour is for, right? Taking our mind off of things, lightening the mood. Everyone needs to joke, even those who have found themselves thrust into the middle of a war!

The biggest joke in all this is that I've finally ended up back at the Arcethian Academy. Here's a little glimpse at a pre-war Alaska, but for years, I longed to go to that school. For the few minutes I actually spent there before the destruction started, I imagined for the first time in a while what my life would have been like here. It was one my dream, even more than doing the league challenge. This was always my second choice (or so I thought – you know, the giant rock, remember that?)

I know very few of you have ever seen me in person, but can you imagine me as a school student? Sleeping in dorm rooms, eating in some giant hall, wandering through dusty old halls to go to classes. Before you say it, I wasn't a pyromaniac city-leveller before I started this journey, so no, I would not have set the school on fire, thank you very much. I mean, I kind of have now, but, different circumstances, eh?

It's hard to picture, but for a few years, that's what I always wanted. Looking back, I'm not really sure why. My detractors might say it was because they got a Totodile and Chespin as part of their scholarship, and that may have influenced things later, but my desire came before all that. Even before we visited the school, I remember seeing the pamphlets my parents had been sent and instantly falling in love with the notion of this school.

It looked like something out of a fairy tale. Before the fireworks yesterday, it still did. The crimson bricks, the wide fields, the beach and the stadium and the ancient library. I had been through that school a thousand times in my storybooks, and here it was, a real place I could actually visit and walk through and escape to.

Escape. That's probably the keyword here. You see, it was on that trip that the earthquake happened. There we were, trotting carefree off to Sevii, excited for everything we'd discover, assuming everything would stay exactly the way it was while we were away. You wouldn't think any differently, would you? Why would you? Naturally occurring disasters are rare in Kanto. They're just as fantastical as the schools I read about. Well, they were.

Coming home and finding my city, my house, my bedroom, everything in ruins like that, no wonder I wanted to run away. But it was my siblings who got to run (literally – why didn't I get the excellent athleticism genetics?). They only had to suffer through the clean-up for a few weeks before term started. I can still remember seeing them off and how angry and hurt and betrayed I felt that they got to go to that magical school and I had to stay behind in a bedroom that had nearly split in two. I'd be lying if I said I don't still think about that.

But, I suppose it was never meant to be. My destiny was decided long before I set foot on the school grounds, and I guess the same can be said for the twins as well. We were on the same path for the first eight years of my life, and then we split off – them going one way, me another.

Fast forward five years and here we are on the same path again. I mean, I couldn't leave them behind at the school, not after it burnt down like that. Can't let them suffer for my mistake, can I? Though joining this shitshow is probably more of a punishment, now that I think about it…

But even though they are only a few metres from me now, it still feels like we are miles apart. You can tell our journeys have been different. I've arguably been through more than them, but I feel as alienated by them as they do by me. For the last five years, I've only really thought of them as those same teenagers that abandoned me in that town. They've obviously changed in their own ways, but it's hard to put the two images next to each other and pretend they are the same thing.

I can't lie and say we all got along as kids; they were twins, a natural unit that I would never be able to penetrate. Trying to get over those childhood wounds is nearly impossible – my mum and her sister still fight about things that happened forty years ago. And my dad… well, the least said there the better.

Still, I wish it wasn't like this. This war is only going to get worse from here on out, that's the only thing I'm certain of right now. We need support from all those around us if we are going to get through. I shudder when I think of how I've alienated and ignored my family just so I prove, for whatever inane reason, that I can manage this on my own. Clearly, I can't, and I need them more than ever.

Maybe that's the role they have to play in all this. Supporting me, keeping me sane, I don't know. All I do these days is question people's fates. Everyone I meet, I wonder how this interaction is meant to shape us. I'd like to think my family is there to guide me, but that connection has been far darker later. Is being related to me going to get them killed? Is falling on me in a forest going to destroy their life?

To lose someone that close to you, and all the hurt and grief it can cause, that's a pain I can't possibly imagine, though I've come close. Yesterday, I thought my sister was going to die in that fire, and it made me sick to think it would all come back to me. Both twins have lived in bliss far from all of this, and I wish I could have kept them out of it.

But we're all here now, I've got my family with me again, and I hope I never have to see them hurt again. My family are the people I care about the most, and I've already have had to witness them suffer enough because of me. To them, I'm sorry. That word feels meaningless, especially after yesterday, but I am sorry, and I hope that one day you can forgive me.

To everyone else, don't worry about all this. I want you all to have a laugh. It may not seem like the time for it, but who knows what fate has in store for us. Find those you care about, have a laugh, and treasure those moments. Our roles in this means we're suffering so you don't have to. I don't care about me, but for everyone else, don't make their sacrifice worthless. Alright?

Alaska.