Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. I am only putting my spin on Stephenie Meyer's already created world of the supernatural.
Warnings: Violence/Gore, mentions/attempt of suicide and character deaths
"Mom! Mom, it's Leah!" Seth screamed from a few miles off.
Rosalie and I got back to Seattle right before the sun started setting. She'd offered to give me a ride home and return my van for me later but I decided to drive myself. Not for no reason, either.
Rosalie had told me everything she knew on the plane ride home. Everything, with no breaks, and at top speed. She told me about how Edward schemed, how Alice had helped him. Rosalie was cut out of whatever their secret conversations held but she was happy to guess the most vicious, unsympathetic things possible in a rapid-fire fashion. I got so nauseous from the cruel conjecture that I had to tune her out after a while. And that's why I politely rejected her ride offer.
"What? Are you sure?" Bedsheets and blankets rumpled. It was night now and a miracle she was even home. I'd half-expected her to be at work when I got back. "Sam said—"
"I know it's her! It's her van!"
"Honey...that could be Sam bringing it back. He said he would."
"It's her, Mom! Get up!"
I'd gotten onto the reservation relatively undetected. Pack members were patrolling but they hadn't run to the van. Maybe they'd thought I was Sam, too.
I was halfway down the trail to the house when I saw them come out to the porch past the brights of my van. I slammed on my brakes, parking where I was so I could get out and run.
Seth broke into a sprint to meet me as Mom squinted, her heart beginning to race. I crashed into Seth, hugging him tight enough to stop his breathing. "Leah," he wheezed, holding me back almost as tight.
I couldn't speak. I couldn't believe I'd actually made it back.
"You're alive!" He cried into my shoulder, keeping me locked in his arms as our mom ran out to us.
When she reached us, she was let into the embrace that softened to keep her safe. She sobbed, gripping onto the back of my tank top. If the pack hadn't heard me before, they were hearing all this now. More dread piled on top of the preexisting heap.
"What happened?" Mom asked as she pulled away, keeping a hand on my arm. It was so warm and soft. I was almost startled by it, having been around vampires for so long.
There was no way I'd ever tell her. I would never subject her to the horror, it was bad enough Seth would find out. "I love you, Mom," I said, keeping my voice calm and steady. "And no matter what happens, I'm going to protect you. Both of you" — I grabbed Seth by the back of his neck — "always."
Her shoulders slumped. "I'm supposed to be the one protecting you both." I didn't know what to say to that. She didn't even give me a chance to respond before she said, "Let's get you inside."
They led me into the house and up the stairs. Familiar smells and sights were hard to take in, distant even when they were right in front of me. I ambled into my room like the last week of my life hadn't happened. My plants were all healthy and watered, my bed was made. I doubted, just for a second, that any of last month was real.
Then, I saw my bromeliad, a bright red reminder of the truth.
"Are you ok?" Mom stroked my bangs back from my face, looking up at me. "Where's your suitcase, baby?"
I'd completely forgotten about helping Jacob. Somehow, it'd become the least eventful part of the last week. "I gave it to Jake," I told her, walking over to a poster with a fallen corner. I smoothed its strip of tape back onto the wall, knowing the corner would fall again when I closed the door. "I should wash up."
I strolled to the bathroom, the two following me to the door's threshold. When they lingered there, identical looks of concern on their faces, I tried to smile. It was worth trying to fool them for now, to try and make them think I was alright.
"I'll call if I need anything." I closed the door gently, locking it for my own sanity.
I switched on the faucet in the tub, pouring in the same brand of bubble bath my family had used since I was a kid. Seth paced in his room as my mom sat on her bed with an anxious, bouncing leg. Listening to their antsy fidgeting kept my mind from wandering too far while the tub filled.
As I got undressed, the poem fell out of my bra where I'd tucked it away. I couldn't look at it, my chin trembling before I clenched my jaw.
"Mom!" She came running and I wrapped a towel around myself so I could open the door. "Can you put this stuff away for me?"
She grabbed my clothes and the poem, just as I'd hoped, before scrambling back out. I dropped my towel after closing the door back and curled up into a tight ball in the bathtub. Bubbles sighed out of existence and I could pick out the sound of every individual pop, the usually soft sounds as startling as explosions to my sensitive senses.
I used my meditative breathing to try and relax. Eventually, my legs and arms loosened enough to where I could lay against the back slant of the tub. Exhaustion coaxed my eyes shut.
Strange lights wavered behind my eyelids in what'd been a quiet, peaceful dark.
In the next instant, I was running through trees, trees I knew belonged to my land. Santiago stalked me effortlessly through them, never slowing or tiring. My escape came in the form of wolf-Jacob flying at me out of nowhere, claws out as he lunged. We fell through the mossy ground, Jacob hurtling past me through a golden sky. I came out of the other side of the sky, landing in an old, cedarwood pew. I looked back over my shoulder and Emily was walking down the church's aisle, blood smearing the side of her face untouched by scars. The altar had Caius standing as the priest with a bloody bible in his hands, no groom in front of him. A pounding started at the church doors. As I turned to look at them, everything around me changed. I was back in the Volturi's turret and it was their hidden door that was being knocked off its hinges. I was freezing, shaking, caught in Aro's hands. The door finally gave. Red fire burst in, filling the place up, filling up my lungs—
"Leah, are you ok?" Seth's voice was muffled. But it was real.
And so were my burning lungs.
I pushed up out of the tub, coughing out lungfuls of soapy water. "Fine!" I hacked out through my coughing fit.
"You should get out of your bath." He must've heard me drowning from his room.
"On it," I responded weakly, clearing my throat.
I pulled the plug out of the drain, getting up as the water swirled away. After wrapping up with a towel, I shambled to my room, ignoring Seth's stare. I closed my door and collapsed onto my bed, soaking everything through. I was gone the second my head hit my pillow.
Instantly, "Leah."
I jarred awake, still wet. My blanket was twisted around my body, my hands balled into fists. "Yeah?"
A soft knock sounded at my door. "It's Sam. Can I come in?"
"One sec," I mumbled. He'd wasted no time in coming over.
I threw on whatever I could find and then opened the door. Sam ducked through my doorway, causing me to back up. He took in the sight of me, eyebrows lowering, lips pressing together.
"Here to judge me or to say somethin'?"
Sam shut the door behind himself. "How are you?"
"You shouldn't've believed our teachers when they told us there's no such thing as stupid questions," I retorted, rubbing my eyes. "Did you tell Emily I'm back yet?"
"I did before she left for work."
Work? I surveyed my surroundings for the first time, taken aback when I realize the sun was rising. I forgot it was actually dark by the time I got back yesterday. I'd slept all night. "Whoa."
"Are you ok?"
"No." I wiped what I now knew was actually a cold sweat from off my forehead. "Are they both still here?"
"They took a walk per my recommendation." He reached up, awkwardly tapping the edge of my cluttered dresser. "I know everything up to Santiago from a long call with Jake. I'd like to know the details thereafter."
The details; to even think about them was torturous. "I can't talk about this, Sam. Not yet."
"It's fine, we don't have to talk about this yet." Yet. "Just tell me if I have something to prepare for."
I thought about my answer, wanting to make sure it was accurate as possible. "The Volturi are several levels beyond what our ancestors could've ever imagined."
Sam took in stride. "Ok."
"But as much as one of the heads wants to enslave us and the other wants to slaughter us, they won't. My connection to Edward's too valuable. They'll take time to try and recruit us."
"And when they find out that's not gonna happen? Leah, do we have to prepare for war?"
It was an ugly thing to wish for a war but I found myself wanting to if it saved me from telling the truth. "Technically, not if I get romantically involved with Edward."
"Isn't he still with Bella?" Before I could say anything, he dismissed his own question. "Later. We'll talk about this later."
Some unpleasant things couldn't wait. I just had to know. "What'd you tell Charlie?"
His whole demeanor changed then and he didn't seem half as tall. "What could we tell him? Bella was in Europe, you managed to track both her and Jake down. Unfortunately, they outmaneuvered you by splitting up. You couldn't keep track of either."
"How'd he take it?" I asked, liquid heat brewing behind my eyes.
"He was going to go to Europe, to places he knew Bella had always wanted to go. Sue barely managed to stop him from abandoning his job and home in search of a daughter that no longer exists."
Another father and daughter separated. I was on the roll of a friggin' lifetime. "I see."
"Leah—"
"What, are you gonna comfort me? Don't bother."
For some reason, what I said upset Sam. "Why do you have to be that way?"
"What way?"
"We're gonna be family soon, Leah. Can't you let me try and be there for you?"
I looked around my lightening room, spying all the wedding things I'd left behind. Emily hadn't even found the time to get around to them yet. "I forgot you were getting married."
"You've had a lot going on."
There was a brief silence between us. "You got busy, too. What happened with Peter while I was in Finland?"
"Right." Sam closed his eyes a moment, brow dimpling before he opened them again. "A few nights ago, a shockwave only the pack felt spread throughout the reservation. It came from Billy's so I ran over only to find him unconscious, with a head wound, and several feet away from his chair."
"Did he tell you what happened?"
Sam sighed, leaning back against my door. The top of his head brushed the slanted ceiling of my bedroom. "No, he has no memory and Peter just up and disappeared. The house looked like a tornado had combed through everywhere except for Rebecca's room. If that's a clue, I'm not sure how."
So, there was more to Peter than met the eye, officially. "Man, would've been nice if he'd been normal," I said as I rubbed my eyes with clammy hands.
"He seemed so normal. Even seconds before that happened, he was just grading papers."
A chill went through my chest. "What?"
"You know, for class. He was mumbling to himself like usual—"
"Under the bed," I whispered, walking back until my legs hit the side of my bed frame.
"Yeah, that's what he said right before the shockwave." His expression darkened. "How'd you know?"
No. It was ridiculous to even think it. How could I have possibly been in Washington when my body was in Finland? That would've meant that I was my spirit self—no, even more. It would've meant that in over seven hundred years, I was the first shapeshifter to enter back into the spirit world.
"Leah, how?"
If I told him, he'd tell Billy. He'd tell Old Quil. It was a lifetime sentence to the pack, to this part of life I despised. "Lucky guess."
"Ok." Sam wore his face blank as my own. I could only hope he couldn't read past my poker face as well as I could read past his. "Then, I'll just let you get some more rest. We can talk more in depth about this later."
The suspicion was palpable. There was a chance he'd report them back. "Can we wait on telling council members anything? There's a lot I'm not sure about and a lot you don't know. So, let's shore up some stuff, be really sure, and then we include them."
He opened the door without looking back at it, leveling a long stare at me. "Ok. Get some rest." He turned and left, closing my door again for me.
I crawled back into bed, waiting until he was far away. When I was sure he was gone, I let myself drift back to sleep.
Time passed with no significance, leaving no mark on me. I slept and slept, blinking in and out of life and its bleary details. Someone came to my door, offering food. I rolled over and sank back down into the calming nothingness of unconsciousness. Sometimes, in place of dreams, I'd get flashes of memory. It would feel so real, I'd believe that I was back in those better times.
My mom's shouts brought me out of the safety of my dad's arms as he was lowering me into his canoe for a fishing trip. "Get the hell off of our property! Now, Billy! And take his sorry sack of bones with you!"
"Sue, I just want to know what happened. I'd also like to thank her for saving my son's life—though I'd be more grateful if she'd actually brought him home."
"Billy, you and I both know you won't just come inside to say thanks and then go. Be honest with yourself!"
I sat up, rubbing my eyes with sluggish arms. It was night again. "Seth?"
"Old Quil tried to send an official summons to a vote on whether you got to stay or not. Mom said no, so, they both came here." Seth gave me the rundown from his bedroom where I imagined he was poised and listening.
"What Jacob said was worrying enough. We must know what took place after his escape," Old Quil's thin, stern voice asserted
"What you must know is your curiosity doesn't trample my rights. You're trespassing and I could call the cops. I will, if you don't leave in two minutes."
"Mom!" I yelled. "Stop it! I'll be down in a second!"
I was done avoiding them. Besides, they didn't scare me anymore. It took so much more now to frighten me.
A short walk downstairs and I spied Billy and Old Quil from over the top of my mom's frame. "Hey, come in."
"Seriously?" Mom asked, still standing in their way.
"Yeah. I've got this, Mom. Please, just go upstairs." She stepped aside and the two came in. "You two, dining room," I said, walking into the dining room first to switch on the light.
The two old men followed, taking their places. I'd moved one of the chairs so Billy could wheel into its place. We sat across from each other, all our seats even. I was still taller.
"I'm so glad you've returned but you don't look well," Billy said, drawing my attention to him. He had on a huge bandage across his forehead, unintentionally supporting Sam's story. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," I replied, meeting his droopy, tired eyes. He hadn't been getting good sleep either. "You?"
"My sixteen-year-old son is freewheeling in Europe and my other two children never visit. I'm not in good health."
"Jake'll be back, he's just working some stuff out," I reassured Billy. It didn't seem to work by the weary look on his face.
"Leah." Old Quil leaned his cane against the table, cutting into the fairly polite conversation. "What are we to do with you?"
I snarked, "You could try leaving me alone."
"We expect answers. We have many questions," He looked even older than when I'd last seen him, his hands shaking as he adjusted his old, worn pajama shirt.
"Ask away."
Old Quil grumbled out, "Did you truly project your spirit self into the spirit world?"
My blood froze in my veins. "Gee, let's see," I said in a dull tone, keeping up a bored demeanor. "Did I do something no one's done in over seven hundred years? No."
"What happened the night of Peter's disappearance?" Old Quil questioned me, studying me close now.
"I wasn't here. You tell me."
Old Quil hypothesized, "After Jacob wounded you, you touched upon death for a third time. The first time, you met your father's spirit. The second, you revived with the ability to conjure flames. This third time, you were able to throw your spirit from your body once more, only you didn't make it out to your father. For, you had not truly died."
"You can't prove any of that. I have a very good imagination."
"And you tend to take pleasure in fooling the pack mind. But your gambits last a few minutes, at best. Your mind will eventually remember the truth."
I saw where this was going. "I'm not phasing."
"Because it would prove you are a liar and you are a spirit warrior. The first spirit warrior in over seven hundred years. I'm uncertain of our ancestors intentions in having it be a woman who imprinted on a cold one." It was a long-winded way of saying how unworthy he thought I was.
"What about you, Billy? What do you believe?" My mom was on my side. If Billy was, too, then it didn't matter what Old Quil thought. Three against one.
"You are special, that I know. Why else would a woman phase? This may be the answer we've been searching for. You can harness the magic of our ancestors."
Two against two. There was no one to tiebreak for them, no one else in the tribal council knew about shapeshifters. "So, my mom obviously won't believe this. Sam doesn't—"
"Who else told us about this?" Old Quil was amused then. "Sam's on our side, Leah. He always has been."
I wasn't sure why I hadn't put it together earlier. Was it that I was just so tired? So traumatized? Heartbroken? Grief-stricken? Terrified of the looming next decision of the Volturi? Probably all of it together was what made me so distracted. So foolish. I should've never said those three words out loud.
But there was no way back, I had to look forward. I asked them, "Now what?"
"Our goal is to train you so you're not left vulnerable. No one wants to hurt you. We all want to see you succeed," Billy said, proving to be more naive than I thought.
"Will I still be second?"
"We wouldn't want Jared in the role of second again. He's too ambitious. You'll remain second," Old Quil said.
"You could always use Embry." I said it just to upset Old Quil, to get that easy reaction out of him.
I wasn't kept waiting long. "We've discussed Embry," Old Quil said sharply. "He's not an option."
"And why not?" I challenged. "Because you consider him lesser? It can't be due to his characteristics because I was asked to step up as second."
"He's too young."
"You'd allow Jacob to be alpha," I argued past the pretense.
Billy held up a calm hand. "That's another thing entirely and not what we're here to discuss."
"Honestly, I'm not even sure why you're still here. Say what you want and go."
Billy didn't get to speak again before Old Quil went on another tear. "Though you saved Jacob's life, you were the reason it was endangered in the first place. If you'd never agitated things, Isabella would have snuck off successfully as she'd been doing before you showed up. She would've become one of them and left us out of it."
"Our job is to save people," I replied, not even surprised the blame's been turned around on me somehow.
"Your job is to save our people!" Old Quil cried, grabbing his cane to slam it hard into the floor. "Our people! If some girl is suicidal in Europe, what on earth does that have to do with our people? Why should so much be risked for so little gain?"
His words were the perfect thing to make me abandon all hope of a civil, short talk. "She's Charlie's daughter! She's more than some girl in Europe!"
Billy looked like he'd be sick. Old Quil didn't falter. "It stands that you endangered us even further by getting involved!"
"Then, what? What? Pass your judgment already, old man! I'm sick of these games!
Old Quil bellowed in his thin voice with a red face, "Were it up to me, I'd banish you from these lands! You and your whole family for allowing your behavior—it was your mother who allowed you to become this!"
I surpassed anger then, something evil rising up out of me. "I know you didn't just say that to me." I stood up slowly, touching the tips of my fingers to the table. "I know you haven't insulted another descendant of the last great spirit chief Taha Aki and the spirit warrior of the tribe. Because I just don't what will happen if you did."
The mood of the room had abruptly shifted. The loose skin under Old Quil's chin wobbled as he asked, "Is that a threat?"
"Wanna hear a threat? Disrespect my mom like that again and I'll make you regret it in spirit and body. Don't you ever bring my family into this."
I could see it on his face. Old Quil had just grasped the fact that with all these new, fancy things I could do, I couldn't be controlled anymore. Fear overwrote reason the way I'd hoped it would. Because, if he was thinking clearly, he'd realize I couldn't do anything crazy unless I was dead or about to be.
Old Quil stood up with the help of his cane and a chesty grunt. "This talk is unhelpful. We'll call it a three week suspension from phasing and all pack matters." He hobbled out of the dining room.
His ego couldn't handle letting me walk completely free. "Fine." I didn't care, I just wanted him out of the house.
"I wish we could get along better," Billy said, getting up, too.
"I bet you do." Now that I had power. Importance.
Old Quil glared back at me. "We must, for the future of our people. It seems to be shifting into your hands more and more each day. I can only hope this is all according to the incredible foresight of our ancestors." He hobbled out of the house then, Billy slow to follow him.
I traced them to the door. I was about to slam it shut when Billy wheeled around, looking up at me like he wanted to speak. I did still have the option to slam the door in his face. It just seemed like the wrong time for it.
"Leah, why didn't you come to me? I know we're not on the best terms but in times so severe, you didn't even consult me."
"I didn't see why I would. We had one good phone call where you didn't even acknowledge my imprinting."
Old Quil scoffed and kept walking. Quil woke up when the cane rapped against the door and got out of the car. I ignored him to focus on whatever the hell Billy was up to.
"Jacob is my son, I would have liked to know you were trying to save him. And you did save him, a fact which I'll never be able to thank you enough for."
"It's fine. I didn't—"
"You have to know that we…mourned you, Leah. In one day, I learned my son was alive because of you and that you, my best friend's only daughter, would die because of it. It was unthinkable." Billy sniffled, wiping his nose as a gleam came to his eyes. "He'd've hated how we'd treated you up into your death and I felt his judgement. You would have died, not feeling cared for when that couldn't be farther from the truth."
I bit the inside of my cheek, slowly nodding. Talking was too risky with my emotions so high.
"After this trivial suspension, please, can things be different? Please, Leah. I'm so sick with myself when I think of—" He cut off, dragging his hand down his face in a sharp gesture. "I just want things to be different from now on."
"Ok," I muttered, feeling childish again under his grieved gaze. "I mean, as long as we try, they will be."
He reached out, taking my hand in both of his. "Thank you. I promise to do more on your behalf from now on. I really owe you everything."
It was a touching sentiment but I wondered how long that attitude would stick. "Try to get some sleep, Billy." I pulled my hand from his.
He didn't answer me, wheeling down the porch's ramp instead. Quil helped him into the car, packing up his chair. I went back inside before they'd driven off.
"Sam's on his way," Seth said, his voice creaky from not speaking for a while.
"Ok," I whispered, leaning against the wall in wait.
Sam didn't just show up, he busted through the front door without knocking. "Are you ok?"
"You couldn't even wait a full day to tell 'em?" He recoiled at my rhetorical question, doing a good job of looking guilty. "Forget it, just go home. I'll figure this mess out, too."
"I didn't know for sure, I just floated the idea," he mumbled, taking a step back.
"You were so unsure that you immediately ran off to tell them about it? Yeah, that's totally believable," I barked sarcastically at him, pushing off from the wall "I'm too tired to do this with you. I'm too tired to even be mad at you, Sam. It's not worth it." I turned my back to him, heading for the stairs.
"Leah, I'm sorry."
I was so fatigued that I expected to knock out the second I hit my bed. But I didn't. I stayed awake long after Sam had left, long after my mom went back to work.
Days passed.
I didn't sleep. In times when I should've been sleeping, I just got lost in my thoughts.
As things went on, pack members avoided me, following Old Quil's unseen, unheard, and deeply felt orders. Either way, it still didn't grant me the alone time I needed. Rosalie was constantly taking me out to places, purposefully keeping off the reservation. I didn't have the energy to fight her. I was barely there even as she dragged me around. She also bought me a new phone during one of our shopping trips. Now, she texted me all the time. I tried to respond but I kept zoning out in the middle of typing messages.
Finally, on Friday, when I was deep in my thoughts and fresh off a terrible phone call with Rosalie, my mom came into my room.
She'd been leaving me alone. Sometimes, when she thought I was asleep, she'd peek into my room to watch me but that was it. She'd known I needed space. Time.
It was too bad she'd run out of patience before I'd gotten enough of either. "No more. This is silly."
"Sorry I'm so silly," I muttered.
"You need time away to heal. How can you recover if you stay here, near all the people who hurt you? You're using your ticket and you're going to San Bernardino."
I rolled over in my bed, squinting at her. "What's going to California gonna change? My problems will still be here when I get back."
"Why do people take vacations? Their jobs will still be here when they get back. See how ridiculous that sounds?" She walked in, revealing she was holding Seth's duffel bag. "You need a break. We're packing and you're leaving tomorrow morning."
"Just me, right?"
"Yes. I was serious when I said we weren't moving. At least, not until Seth feels ready," she said, going to my dresser. She pulled open a drawer, stuffing away all my new clothes. "Seth's been struggling at his program. Stress is interfering with his homework."
"So, I'm leaving because Seth needs to study stress-free," I guessed bleakly.
"You're leaving because of the reasons I stated. I don't say things for you to read between the lines." She opened up another drawer, hesitating when she saw the poem.
I'd wrestled with the page a few times since returning to the reservation. I'd even torn it half and thrown it away once. I taped it back together minutes later, thus its presence back in my drawer. Great story, I know.
"You're not taking this with you."
"I want to."
She whipped around, her messy ponytail bouncing with her exasperation. "What's the point of torturing yourself? If you don't want to be with him, don't keep reminders. If you want to be with him, go to him. End this. Let this, whatever it is, be a learning experience and build a stronger relationship for it."
"God, why is everyone thinking I want Edward today? It's so annoying!" I shouted, my mom completely unimpressed by my outburst.
Rosalie was bashing Edward during our phone call, per usual. The only difference was that I—according to her—"stuck up" for Edward by saying he wasn't responsible for how Bella turned. She hadn't liked that. She'd hated it so much, in fact, that she told me to call her when I was ready to stop being Edward's little bitch.
She'd called me seventeen times since I'd hung up on her... Eighteen now, actually. I turned off my buzzing phone.
"You have to learn to work through tough times. Do you think it was easy when we had you? I was in my last year of nursing school and your father was flat broke but we'd decided we would get through it together. We made that decision back in high school the night he told me he loved me. To the end," she said, her voice quavering, "we were together."
"Oh, Mom," I whispered, moving to get up.
"No, it's fine. It's fine, I love talking about him. I love him." She hunched her shoulders, clearing her throat with her back still to me. "Relationships take work, that's all I'm saying."
"He chose me over Bella—in front of Bella." She put down the skirt and came over to the edge of my bed, sitting down. "Yeah, but it's complicated. Secrets came out, crap went down—"
"But, in the end, he chose you." She placed her hand over mine. "Talk to him. The worst that could happen is you walk away feeling the same way you do now."
It sounded so simple when she said it like that. I wished it was that simple. "You don't know the whole story, Mom."
"It's your choice. I've only given advice, not an order." She got up and kept packing. I let her. Out of all the things she'd said, a vacation away made the most sense.
I packed with her.
Two weeks. I'd be gone two weeks and then come back a few days before my suspension was over. That'd be in time for the bachelorette parties, too. I loved Emily, despite everything with Sam. I wanted to be there for her at least one last time.
"There, all done." She tied the duffel bag closed. "Just remember to pack all your skincare stuff after you use it tonight."
"And tomorrow morning," I reminded her. With Rosalie's funds, I was able to build a morning and night routine of amazing products. So, I was miserable but I was glowing. "Should I really go?"
"What're you doing here that's so fantastic? There's no reason why you shouldn't." She stroked a hand over my hair before going to my open door. "Do what you want, Leah. It's your life and you're the only one who has to live it."
I scoffed, swiping my bangs back down into my eyes as I muttered, "If only I could push this all off on someone else."
"Enjoy your trip." She left my room then, going downstairs. I guessed her shift was about to start.
While she drove off to work, Seth crept out of his room and into the doorway of mine. "So…California?"
"Apparently."
Seth smiled, always so admirably happy. "I'm so jealous. Finland and now California in just a year!"
"Not counting Italy?"
Seth fiddled with some wood splintering off my doorframe. "It's not like you got to stay or see anything there. But California?"
Warm weather, boardwalks, and surfing. "It'll definitely be a change of pace."
"You've gotta take your camera so you can take pictures!"
I scrunched my nose up. "The only thing I can picture, Seth, is how little I'll remember to use a camera. Who remembers to take pictures when they're having a good time?"
"Literally thousands of people."
"Well, maybe it's a spirit warrior thing."
He snorted, crossing his arms. For a second, I saw a striking resemblance between us. "Yeah, right. Real funny, Leah."
I grinned at him. "It is, actually. You probably don't find it funny, though, 'cause you're not a spirit warrior."
"Please, don't make this a running joke."
"I gotta have fun any way I can. Some people skydive, others party, I like annoying you."
"Ugh."
I waved him off, smiling. "Anyway, what time is it?"
"Late four. Why?"
I was debating on whether I should nap this late or not. My schedule was already shot, though. "No reason. Wanna go get pizza?"
"Ooh, yeah! I'm starving."
"You just ate a whole pack of cookies."
"It really whet my appetite."
I laughed genuinely for the first time all week. "Yeah? We'll get two large pizzas then. One for you, one for me."
"Awesome!"
I did everything in my power to relax and reassure Seth. We ate pizza, I bought him a few comics, and we went to an arcade. After that, we had a talk about good memories we had with Dad over late-night ice cream and then raced each other on our old childhood bicycles when we got back home. He swore he could beat me.
"Ah!" His bike broke to pieces under him while he did a wheelie. We both laughed hysterically over it for a few minutes before he sulkily said, "I would've won."
I walked over, offering him a hand up. "I don't doubt it."
We walked back inside together and I went to wash my face. We kept up conversation throughout my routine and I reassured him I'd talk to Mom about easing up on his grade average. He seemed to feel a lot better after tonight and I was glad I wasn't a completely useless sister.
Music drifted faintly to me from far away as I tried to sleep in my bed. I focused and, in seconds, I knew it was coming from Emily's place. She was humming to the love song playing, hers and someone else's footsteps in harmony.
She was slow dancing with Sam. He twirled her and she giggled, rewarding him with a kiss. "I can't wait to marry you," she said, her words muffled.
"My life can only be complete the day you become my wife and partner in all things. I love you, Emily Young."
"I love you, Sam Uley. To be Mrs. Uley is the greatest honor I will ever have."
I tuned them out then, getting up. With my new, shiny phone from Rosalie, I dialed an unforgettable number. She'd kill me for it when she inevitably found out.
I only got one ring in before— "Hello?" A soft, silky voice greeted me all too soon, piano trilling away in the background. "Edward Cullen, speaking." He didn't know it was me.
I hung up, curling into a tight ball.
"Just go see him," Seth said, yawning in his bed. "He'll be off his guard then and you'll feel better that way."
"Stop poking your nose into my business or I'll pinch it off your face."
Shortly after my threatening, I walked downstairs, putting on my running shoes. Rosalie had also bought them for me, back in Finland. I was grateful for their durability, I didn't have to step lightly while running at full speed. My trip was almost halved by wearing shoes that actually fit.
I skidded to a stop when I saw the right landmarks. A few steps more and Edward would hear my mind. I broke my record in getting to Cullen territory just to struggle so much now.
Screw it, right? I had nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. There was nothing to stop me from getting answers.
I started running again, a renewed rage in my every step. I was kicking open the Cullens' front door in no time.
"Where's Edward?" I'd thought the whole way to the house for him not to run out to me. Still, I'd expected him to at least be by the door.
Everyone besides him seemed to be in the living room besides him—except for Rosalie, thank God. Esme ran to receive me, taking brief stock of her broken door before saying, "He's out hunting. It's nice to see you, Leah."
So much for him waiting for me...
We stood awkwardly opposite each other. I crossed my arms, standing as tall as I could when her honeyed eyes met mine. She frowned like she'd cry, looking down at her hands which she'd clasped in front of herself.
"Would you like to come in and wait for him? It looks like it will rain soon."
"No. Just tell him I was here."
"Leah, wait!" Esme begged, grabbing ahold of my hand. The wispy hems of her white, sheer sleeves ticked over my wrist. "Please, can't we talk about this? Aro twisted things. All isn't as it seems and we—we miss you. So much. We've been so worried—"
"Esme, I didn't come here for this. Honestly, I'm not even close to ready to have this talk with any of you. I shouldn't have even come here." Her hands fell off of mine, allowing my arm to rest back at my side. "I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have come."
Carlisle flitted over. "Don't apologize, Leah. We're the ones who should be apologizing."
"Look, it's late. This was a mistake. I'm just gonna go so I don't miss my flight."
"You're leaving?" Carlisle asked me, his brow furrowing as he gathered a weepy-faced Esme into his arms. "Now?"
I shook my head. "In a bit. San Bernardino seems like a nice change and my mom insisted on it, so…yeah." I backed away, off of the porch.
Carlisle whispered with sad eyes, "We'll do our best to watch over the tribe in your absence—from afar, of course."
"That's not neces—"
"Please, Leah, it's the least we can do."
Carlisle was so insistent, I didn't see a point in going out of my way to shut him down. I just wanted to leave. "Sure, fine, whatever. Bye."
"Goodbye, Leah. It was a great pleasure to have you in our lives."
I ran off without returning his sentiment. It felt too final to reply back when I hadn't even sorted out all my feelings yet. For now, I'd just leave it open-ended.
Esme turned out to be right, though. It did rain. It started maybe a minute after I'd fled away.
Even the sound of rain reminded me of him, of the song he'd played for. I could almost hear his footsteps, lighter than a sprinkle, racing toward me.
…Wait, those were his actual footsteps.
I skidded to a stop, spinning around just in time to see him emerge from the thicket I'd passed to get to the highway.
Edward's hair was wet and tousled, hanging and spilling rivulets down his forehead. The short-sleeved, white button-down he was wearing clung to his every curve and divot, soaked through as I was. Grey, checkered slacks hung heavily off his hips, completely saturated with rainwater.
So pale that he glowed, it was like I was glimpsing a phantom. For a split second, my mind imagined him warm and alive with color, but it forgot the image as my eyes met his. They held more life, more spirit in them than most people had in their entire bodies. And, in an instant, they were a few inches from mine.
I flinched back, unprepared for the speed.
"Leah." The rain dampened the sweetness of his word, adding a shine to his lips. "I can't—"
He lifted his hand, hovering it over my cheek. It glided down the curve of my jaw, the turn of my neck into my shoulder. His eyes followed the path of his hand, burning with something I couldn't understand. Finally, his hand was over mine, the tips of his fingers making first contact with mine in a gentle brush.
Edward met my eyes again. "Please. Please, don't go."
"Go where?" I asked dumbly.
"To San Bernardino. Don't move."
I laughed, pulling my hands up to cover my face. He sighed and I was sure I knew him well enough to know its meaning. "I'm only going for two weeks!"
"I see that now."
I put my hands back down, still laughing. "God, seven days was all it took for me to underestimate how dramatic you are!"
He didn't answer me. Instead, he wrapped his pinky around mine. It was the feeblest hold he could've managed but it felt like iron. "What was that?"
"What?"
"There's something behind—… You're being greatly disturbed by something, something not pertaining to me."
As well as I thought I knew him, he knew me even better. "It's nothing."
"Let me see," he pleaded, taking a step closer. "It's bothering you so badly. I must do anything I can to help. That's why you came."
"That's not why I came."
"Leah, even if you lie to yourself, I can hear the truth." His eyes were clear, his speech natural instead of rehearsed.
I tugged my pinky from his. "I'd be an idiot to rely on you again."
His eyes bore into mine. The weight of his gaze pressed my stomach low, threatening to push it down to my feet. I expected payback, some retort which would cut me to the quick with ease. That, or that he'd run without saying anything.
But he did neither. He stood there and told me, "I am still your friend and I'm here for you if you should ever need someone outside of the tribe. Always."
The walls that'd been so tall, so sure, crumbled down then like ash. I really had been fooling myself. I did want answers but I hadn't come for them. I'd come for him, for the way I knew he'd always make me feel, despite the terrible crap that happened.
"You don't have to say any—"
I threw my arms around his neck and his went around my waist instantaneously. He let out a breath, inhaling well for the first time since he'd shown up. His hold tightened any slack it had as he breathed in my scent.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his breath frigid against my tangled, wet hair. "I'm so sorry."
For the first time since I'd gotten back from Europe, I let myself cry. It felt private enough to, safe enough to. Strange as it was to cry over the person holding you, I did. I cried about Edward, about the horrors I'd seen, about how unfair it all was back at the reservation.
No matter how loud I wailed or how hard I shook, Edward didn't scare. He never feared for a phase, even when I did and tried to push him off. He just held me.
It'd been silent for a long while, his arms the only thing keeping me up when he asked, "Would you like to come back to mine for some coffee? I chased them all away when I returned, so we'll have privacy."
"Sure, I guess. I'm not sleeping tonight anyway." I let him go, standing on my own. He hesitated before releasing me.
He offered me a hand before quickly putting it back down by his side. I wasn't sure what I'd thought to make him second-guess the action so fast but neither of us lingered on it. "I'll get you dry clothes."
We ran back to the house together. I was left by the broken door as he dashed upstairs. It didn't take long for him to find me clothes and a clean towel. I changed in the guest bathroom, into clothes I knew didn't belong to Rosalie—or any woman. They were Edward's clothes, the smell was too incriminating.
Begrudgingly, I slid on his shirt and the adjustable gym shorts that I tied tight to my hips. When I walked back out, he was on the couch, holding a mug of steaming coffee. I took a seat a measured space away from him and then took the mug.
I took a large gulp of the hot, dark roast, the burns on my tongue and mouth healing almost as soon as I got them. "Thanks."
"Don't hurt yourself," he whispered, his hand ghosting over one of mine as I held my mug in my lap.
I stared into the dark pool within my mug, almost able to see my reflection in its depths "It's been a really tough week for me."
"I'm sorry that I played any part in that."
"Me too." I took another, more careful sip. Even if the burns didn't bother me, I didn't want to hurt Edward. "I don't even know what to say."
"Anything you like, anything you need. I'm here to listen or to give any answers you should want."
His eyes were unguarded, his body language open and welcoming as he kept his body fully turned toward me. I bit the inside of my cheek, considering him as he fully listened to my string of thoughts.
"Well…I agreed to be second because I wanted to be helpful. I wanted people to see I wasn't the person they hated anymore. I never really was, I was just going through a lot. I thought taking this job would help with that. How could I hate a pack I trained and supported through their trauma? Y'know, like, how could I hate my cousin if I was helping her plan a wedding? And it all felt like—until now, it felt like it was the least I could do for everyone."
"You've never owed them anything and you certainly don't now. Your time is a gift, your presence is a blessing, and your efforts are awe-inspiring. I could never do what you've done for Sam and Emily's wedding were I in your position."
The praise put a lump in my throat. But a doubt sewed into the back of my mind. Was he just saying what I wanted?
"You've always wished for me to be better than I am. Admitting that I'm not isn't what you want."
Fair enough. I went back to the topic at hand. "It's not like they never thanked me. They've thanked me. They aren't terrible to me anymore, either."
He sat forward toward me, upping the intensity of his gaze. "Leah, you still owe them nothing."
"But how selfish would I be to back out now? It's not just about me and what I want anymore."
"Says who?"
"Says my morals, Edward."
"But do you really think no one else can defend them save for you? I would protect every soul in the Quileute tribe with my life if that's what it takes. I want you to have the life you deserve, not one you feel obligated to."
It became even more impossible then. "No, I have to be with them."
"You don't."
"They're my people, they're my responsibility!"
"Why are you being so irrational?"
"If I get what I want, then I die someday! Is that what you want?"
He sat up straighter. "Of course, it's not." His eyes pierced through me, straight through to my flow of consciousness. "But I want you to happy more than I'd like to be selfish."
"How could I be happy if I—" I cut off, staving off a tremor at my unfinished thought. "We'll never see each other again, you know. If I die, that's it. I know where I'm going, I'll be with my father somewhere. Someday, I'll be with my whole family. But I'll never be with you again because you won't die."
"I didn't know you wanted to be with me." There was an edge to his voice, something cautious there.
"Why do you think I'm here? It's not that easy to stop loving someone. Not for me, at least."
His hand crept toward my lap again. "But you know I'm not who you thought I was. I'm not the saint, not the great man you'd hoped for. Yet, you still desire me."
"You know what I desire? An honest man. Screw everything else, just be straight with me—that's what's important."
"I'll tell you anything. Everything."
I tapped my fingernails against the sturdy glass mug, careful not to break it. "I want every reason why you didn't tell me about Chelsea."
"In the beginning, I was heeding Carlisle's warnings that telling you and taking you to them would be selling you into slavery—or worse, perhaps. Then, I thought you too impulsive, too reckless to even carry such knowledge without acting on it. You and Bella were willing to die for my happiness. It terrified me that one wrong word could end a life. Then, I suppose, shortly after that it became a selfish thing."
I remembered Carlisle's face after my encounter with Santiago. And it was also true we'd both been willing to die for Edward, as well as his happiness. "Ok, I can believe all that. But what d'you mean 'selfish'?"
"Early on, Alice urged to me to make a choice quickly before it became complicated. Her visions were still fairly steady back then but she knew it would get worse the longer you stayed."
"Ok," I said in my impatience, prodding him with two skeptical syllables.
"So, to avoid what seemed an ominous unknown, she attempted to force my hand. Time and again, she warned me to make a decision early since she couldn't know what awaited us if I did not. I didn't listen."
I strained not to let any assumptions form in my mind, asking quickly, "Why?"
"Though I knew it was wrong, I did lean upon you. I did use you to survive Bella leaving me. And then…well, even when I think about it I'm not sure exactly when but I knew I couldn't let you go."
"I—"
"Wait, that's not true. I'm sorry. I wouldn't let you go. But I also knew Bella couldn't be with me if I was with you in any capacity. My solution was to buy more time, to refuse any choice until I could be more sure of what Bella wanted, whom I owed a life, despite what I wanted. Alice told me it was a horrible idea and she didn't need her sight to see that."
"You were too conflicted to hear her."
"I was. It was like balancing on a tightrope until I saw Bella again. She was turning and she stopped screaming the moment she heard me. It was a profound effect I had, an obvious answer to the question I'd had all month. Did she still love me? But it was also an answer to a question I didn't know I had."
I was scared to ask, "And what was that question?"
"Was I still in love? And I was, technically." He paused, face remaining thoughtful. It held none of the weight I felt in the pit of my stomach. "It's best put this way, I think. The man who fell in love with Bella doesn't exist anymore but I remembered him so well that it felt like he was still there. To be honest, I don't think she would have even loved me as who I am now."
"You're insane. She would've loved you no matter what."
"It doesn't matter anymore."
I was immediately ready to argue with him then, to tell him how wrong he was. But he wasn't. Bella's feelings, as much as I cared about them, didn't concern Edward anymore. They hadn't since the moment Chelsea broke his bond with her.
"It's alright." His fingertips brushed against my knuckles. "I only felt strange for a moment. Then, it was over with a sort of tingling weightlessness. I knew I was lighter, that I had just lost something very heavy, but I did not grieve it. I didn't even have the urge to. Instead, I welcomed you into myself."
"Welcomed me?"
"Yes. You dwell in me now, constantly, and when I close my eyes, I see yours." He pried my hand from the mug, intertwining our fingers. I shivered at the smooth, pleasant way they slid together. "But I knew you were the choice I wouldn't regret even before I'd decided. No matter how long it takes to earn your trust back, to earn you back, you're the best decision I've ever made."
I was swept up by him and his words, all the world fading away. "You can't say things like that to me. It'll destroy me if you hurt me again after saying that."
"I'm not going to hurt you."
"You can't help it."
He quieted, casting his eyes down as he gathered himself. "I want to be different. You make me feel—…like if I work hard enough, if I really try, I can be a man who deserves everything he's been given."
"Despite it all, Edward, I do think you deserve what you have. Bella just didn't deserve what she got." He expelled a remorseful and sweet sigh, nodding in agreement. "Anyway, I have a burning question that's been on my mind for a while. What the hell was the deal with the therapies?"
He rolled his eyes, breaking the tension between us. "Alice and her machinations."
"Wasn't there some other way for me to gain the tolerance?"
"If there was, she didn't know of it. Actually, the therapies were a test in and of themselves. The other therapies she left for you would've had no affect or next to none."
"So, it was a test?" I wished it was possible to choke a vampire.
"You passed every test each family member gave you. But—"
"Pause," I said, taking my hand out of his to hold it up in a ceasing gesture. "When was your family testing me?"
"It wasn't very often at all for most of them but Alice was constantly testing you. Almost every conversation was her measuring you, making sure you were worthy. Without her visions, she felt helpless, and that was her way of coping."
I tucked my hand back into his now that I'd heard him out. "So, like every other sister in the world, she had to get to know the woman interested in her brother."
He grinned, rapping his fingers lightly against the back of my hand. "The horror."
"Does Alice actually even like me?"
"She took my decision hard, though she fully believed it was the decision I was bound to make since the night I didn't propose to Bella. To answer your question, she does like you but she loved Bella."
"I see. Well, when did you know you'd choose me over Bella? When she was turning?"
"Actually, it was when she woke up. Her first words were 'I'm sorry'." He didn't seem too upset about it as he called up the memory. "I was, before the bond was severed. But that was when I knew the relationship was only stifling us both. Neither of us would've been happy together. Even though I was convinced I would still choose her out of guilt, I couldn't. It was never going to happen."
The next question was an obvious one. "Why should I believe anything you say, Edward?"
He was very prepared for it. "I have shown you the worst side of myself this past month. I'd like a chance, as you did with the pack, to prove I can be better."
"Hm."
"Speechless?"
I shrugged and continued to drink my coffee in silence. He watched me but I didn't mind it the way I did with others. His gaze was like sunlight, golden and warm. I was the flower who'd bend in any way to keep in its glow. To keep in his gaze.
He leaned toward me, using his other hand to trace the curve of my cheek. It slowly slid onto the side of my neck like melting ice. My pulse thundered under his palm, a hot rush against his freezing fingers.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do about the pack or phasing or you."
"You don't have to decide now. Whenever you do, I'll support you and I'll respect your choices."
Maybe I did just need time. I'd feel better after my stay in San Bernardino, clearer on everything.
"What time is it?"
"We have a little more time before you should go back for your van. If I may, I'd like to use that time to show you something."
Why not? "Sure." I might as well have all the cards laid out in front of me before I left.
I brought my mug back up to my lips, chugging the rest of my coffee.
The trip was relatively short, wherever he was taking me. We came to a stop seemingly in the middle of nowhere. "We're at the right place, right?"
"Yes." He pushed aside broken branches to the left of us for me to step through their leafy curtain. I really had no idea what to expect.
I charged through, coming to a creek so clear you could see all the way to its bottom.
"This is—"
"Yes."
I walked to the edge, crouching down to swirl my fingers in the water. The disturbance of the moon's perfect reflection caused crystalline ripples to roll out from my hand. This was the place I came the day after my dad's funeral, where I'd stayed the entire day, and he found it for me. In the endless forests and mountain ranges of the Olympic Peninsula, he'd found my place.
"I thought about it literally once around you."
"It made it difficult to find. Not impossible."
I stood up, turning around. He was still by the trees I'd passed to get in. "Damn you!"
He flinched at my cursing him but I had to do it, I had to say it so I knew I could. I had free will. And, with my freedom—and absolutely no self-control—I ran over, hugging him tightly.
"Are you angry or happy? I can't tell."
"Both."
He drew a frail breath, uneven and cold against my shoulder. "I can't promise never to anger you. I can't promise to never disappoint you again. All I can promise is that I will never stop trying to make you happy."
"Edward—"
"Just think about it. Please. Before you cast me away as I so rightfully deserve, consider what we could be now one last time."
Did he think it would be easy? Starting again without the girlfriend, without the expectations, would be easier but it still wouldn't be easy. It wouldn't be overnight, it would be hard. We'd have to rebuild everything, even trust, between us. Did he really want that?
"I want you and whatever comes with you for as long as I'm allowed to have it." He pulled back out of my arms, his hands resting on my waist.
"How can you know that? I'm a mess. My life's a mess, Edward. And I just don't know—"
"I have faith in us. I don't know, either, but I believe in us more than I believe the grass on the ground or the stars in the sky. Leah, if we tried, if we actually gave us a shot, we could build something so special together. All I need is one more chance to prove it to you. Just one."
Who was to say it'd work out even if I did give him this chance? Sometimes, even hard work couldn't do the job. We could do our best together and it could still fail.
"All relationships start with a little faith. If you can't find any for me, I understand. You're right not to trust me based on what you've seen. But I'm asking you to believe one more time that something can be so much more than its worst moments. We can be so much more than this past month."
My heart was in my throat "I —"
"Just think about it. All I want is for you to say you'll consider it."
My eyes lowered to the damp, grassy ground, my mind and heart racing to see which was faster. I rested my hands atop his cool forearms, taking a deep breath.
A/N: Yo yo! New chapter! Last chapter, actually. This is the end of the first arc of this story. The second arc, which will begin with chapter 18 will be taking us away from familiar ground and into more AU territory! So, if you like, you can actually consider this a completed story now as it is with an ambiguous but hopeful ending. Orrrr you can keep reading! There will be two more arcs and I'm not separating them into their own works. Those who have stayed this long, thank you, eternally. It was a good run. Those who are staying, I'll see you soon!
Forgive my mistakes and spelling errors, please! I hope it's not too bad lol
