Sorry once again for the late update. I had planned this chapter to be longer but I actually prefer to cut it in half. So good news, there will be at least one more chapter \o/


He knew it. Deep down, he had known it the whole time. And he couldn't understand why he hadn't realized it sooner. Everything in Rick's behavior indicated the terrible loss: his self-destructive then provocative attitude for example. And he knew that first hand. He had been in the other man's shoes after all. Then there was also Carl missing from Alexandria or even the outburst of - what was his name again - Aaron? when he had mentioned the kid's name.

Negan took a quick look at the passenger seat. Rick was looking out the window and seemed lost in his thoughts. Everybody was mourning differently so he understood if he only needed quiet right now. They had started their journey almost one hour before and they had went through it in the utmost silence.

There was so much question he wanted to ask about Carl, about the circumstances. But there was also another one creeping in his mind. One more urgent. The answer would not change this road trip. He was mainly doing this for Carl, after all, not for Rick. Or at least that's what he was trying to convince himself. But the answer would for sure determined what would happen next. And despite him wanting to respect the other man's wish for silence, he couldn't wait.

-"Was it intentional?

-What was?"

Negan bit his bottom lip. Rick couldn't be serious. He hoped he was only trying to buy himself some time to think about his answer cause he would answer, that he liked it or not.

-"Don't play dumb with me by making me explain. You know exactly what I meant. Or you know what, I'll bite. You're a sheriff, right? So I'm gonna use terms you will understand. Would it have been first or second degree murder?

-If I tell you second, I don't see how that makes it okay.

-You're right, it doesn't. And I'm glad we can finally agree on something. But I saw your reaction when I pushed you away from Gracie. Like you had just refocused on reality once again. I hoped it wasn't just an act."

Negan stayed silence for a bit, enjoying the relief he was feeling from Rick's honest answer. But he could see Rick had tensed at his interrogation and it was only fair he would return him the favor.

-"Also, I'd say you had some…mitigating circumstances. Pain can make you do crazy things. Even out of character shit like that. Trust me, I know. So I don't support your reaction, as you would have guessed. But I understand. Though, I can promise you that if you ever try this shit again, I'll be happy to oblige on you death wish."

Negan knew this was a pretty violent statement but he wouldn't let Gracie be in danger once again because of any blinders he had related to Rick. And this dash of red he could see at the border of his vision from his fit of anger made him go back on memory's lane.

His wife is still inside the house that is now burning from the ground up. And he can still hear her grunt. And it is taking everything he has for him not to jump inside and save her. Because even though he knows she is beyond saving, his brain cannot comprehend what's going on in front of him. Only a few months ago, she was fine. Only a few weeks ago, she was still alive.

But then Laura and Franklin appears on his mind. Even though he came back too late, they still gave him the precious drugs in the first place. And he cannot just leave them to their fate. Taking the bat Laura gave him in his hand, he can see barbwire circling it in his mind. Craven and his men are gonna regret having crossed his path. He's gonna kill them all, if it's the last thing he ever does.

-"Why didn't you tell me about Gracie?"

Negan's eyes blinked once then twice. Rick's voice seemed so far away just now, when he was siting just beside him. It took him a minute to anchor himself back in the present and shake his thoughts back in order.

-"I don't know. Maybe the same reason you didn't tell me about Carl? And, to be fair, was there even a good time or a good reason to tell you? I asked you point blank why you felt like shit and you never answered. Why would I tell my archnemesis who happens to have suicidal thoughts - so literally nothing to lose - that I have a daughter? And your reaction when you found out about her explains my point exactly.

-He's dead because of me." Rick let out, not mentioning Carl's name but it was so obvious he knew he didn't have to. "I know you think the same. I didn't want you to twist the knife.

Negan let some time passed to fully grasp the other man's confession.

-"Well first, you're wrong. You can't just assume you know what I would think. Especially about Carl. And second, you were already doing a fine enough job at rubbing salt in your wound on your own.

-You don't understand. He wanted all this to stop. If I had only listened to him and not just heard what he had to say with only one ear, maybe he would still be among us.

-Well… It's never too late, Rick."

Negan thought that statement would ease Rick somehow but his eyes had only widened. As if the words were ringing a bell in a corner of his mind. And for a moment, it seemed like he was miles away. But then out of nowhere, he just shook his head and asked:

-"There's no mixtape in this car?

Negan found the question strange but he wasn't going to try to follow Rick's train of thoughts.

-There is, actually. But the radio cassette player died last month and we couldn't find anyone to fix it. If you need noise, we can keep talking. The other day, you couldn't stop asking questions, remember? You can say anything you want. I'll even let you insult me if you want."

Beside him, Negan saw Rick pouting. It didn't seem this opportunity was as tempting to the other man as he had thought. He just looked tired and a bit annoyed.

-"Why do you need me to guide you anyway? You already went there once too."

The leader of the savior furrowed his brows. One second he wanted music and the next, he was complaining about showing him the way? But then it twigged. Rick would have preferred to bury the pain in a mindless sleep than to have to stay awake and be reminded of what had happened to Carl. Even more so now that Negan knew about it.

-"I wasn't the one driving. I didn't pay attention to where we stopped or where we started back from. Didn't know I actually would need to go back there." He hesitated a bit, not wanting to feel too presumptuous, but then added: "But you know, you'll have to face those feelings eventually. You can't run away from them eternally. It wouldn't be healthy.

-Yeah." Negan heard Rick muttered. "Healthy, that's me." And he felt his stomach twitch instantly. He was sure he wasn't supposed to hear that. So he tried to wear his neutral face once again. Rick wasn't looking his way anyway.

-"How come you were there in the first place?"

Okay, Negan thought. Small talk it is.

-"A tire went flat.

-No way."

Rick's reaction seemed so out of character that Negan couldn't help a grin from appearing on his face.

-"Yeah, hard to believe to such a coincidence right? So as my men were arguing about the best way to change it, I went into the forest to stretch my legs a bit. That's when I heard a gunshot."

At the mention of the detonation, Rick's face had turned pale and he looked taken aback, his gaze clearly indicating surprise mixed with a bit of fear. Negan hadn't expected this reaction. He wanted to add a bit of casualness to their exchange and it seemed he had failed miserably.

-"Rick? What's wrong?" Negan pressed Rick to answer. He didn't want for the leader of Alexandria to shut down once again without him knowing why.

-"You heard it?"

First, the response unsettled Negan who was failing to see why the other man was so upset. But then, it hit like a truck. And the realization was so painful he almost applied the brakes all the way down as a reflex.

-"Shit, Rick. I hadn't realized."

Panicked, he tried to find Rick's gaze as to show him he really didn't mean to hurt him even more. But he was looking away, hiding his face.

-" I'm so sorry Rick.

- So you keep saying…"

His voice was trembling so much that it had just break on the last word.

- "And I will keep saying it until you actually believe me." Negan knew he had screwed up big time. Maybe his old self would have enjoyed this shift in the situation. But right now, he just felt awful.

After that, only silence could be heard inside of the car. And Negan couldn't blame Rick. Even unrelated talks seemed to always lead back to Carl. If only he could have remembered the route to that damn clearing.


Comments and/or reactions are always appreciated! Thanks for reading!