Lily Evans hurried through the corridors wanting nothing more than to get away from everyone, from Potter, Black and the rest of his immature gang of bullying friends and to get away from Severus Snape who she had thought in spite of everything had still been her friend and yet had still managed to hurt her so much with one spiteful venom filled comment.
She had to face the facts her best friend was changing and not for the better, he was hanging around with and company, sadists who made no secret of their ambition to join the Death Eaters and Severus was too blind, naive or stubborn as to see what was wrong with that. It was getting harder and harder to recognise the boy who had introduced her to the magical world with such excitement.
She was suddenly stopped in her tracks as she heard a breathless voice from behind her, "Lily wait!" she whirled around still angry and her face softened marginally as she saw who it was who had called her name.
"Lupin" she replied curtly wondering what he wanted. Of all the Marauders Remus was the one out of them whose company she could actually tolerate. True he was not good-looking like Potter and Black but on the other hand he also wasn't obsessed with preening himself like a peacock, like they did and unlike the others, he wasn't cocky or full of himself nor was he spineless toady like Pettigrew although she did wish that he had the backbone to stand up to his friends. Remus was intelligent but modest, he was an interesting person to chat to and he made a decent study partner when separated from the other three.
"What do you want?" she asked harshly.
"I was worried, I could see you were upset about Severus, I thought you may want to talk about it with someone" he explained.
With those simple words, she felt all her defences break and she allowed herself to crumble into his embrace as he led her off to a more private corridor.
He pulled her into an empty classroom and checked they were alone before approaching her with concern "are you alright Lily?"
"I don't know, I guess. I'm just confused. I've known him for years and now it feels like he's drifting apart. It's like I don't even know him. It feels as though I'm losing him to those creeps and their cult, I can't believe he'd call me that horrible word, I know he's used it in the past but it really hurt that he might think little enough of me to call me that. Remus, you don't think he'd actually join the Death Eaters do you?" She asked, her voice filled with concern.
He stared at her in shock for a moment before stopping to think about it. He paced back and forth deep in thought for a moment as she watched him worriedly "you want to know what I think? Well, I've known him for a long time even though we've never exactly been friends. I've observed him. He's a strange one alright, a loner tends to keep himself to himself in fact I reckon I'd probably pass him by without a thought if James and Sirius didn't go out of the way to attack him"
"I know people think the worst of him because he's a Slytherin and immerses himself in the dark arts, but I think he only uses those spells when provoked. He never looks entirely at ease when Avery and Mulciber are hexing people and he doesn't strike me as the sort to join a group like that. I don't think he knows what they're truly about, if he ever did join the Death Eaters it'd be because of peer pressure or the fact that James and Sirius pushed him too far one of these days with one of their stupid pranks"
"You do?" she asked anxiously not wishing to get her hopes up.
"Ye" he sighed he had a complicated history with Severus they were hardly on good terms but given everything his friends had pulled on him and how She'd almost killed him courtesy of Sirius's ill-thought-out and reckless prank that was understandable he'd had a hard enough time forgiving Sirus so he could only imagine how Severus must have taken it particularly after being sworn to secrecy to protect him.
"Look, I don't much like the guy but I don't think he's evil, that being said I think he's on a knife edge right now and one little thing could tip him too far. I fear one of these days James or Sirius might just push him too far. He was clearly upset about something earlier"
"He was? I didn't notice I thought he was just embarrassed about that spell Potter cast on him" she hadn't even noticed then again she had been sitting with her friends and Remus always was the observant one.
"Yes, I noticed he was in a good mood when we were going outside but he was reading something earlier, he looked pale when James ambushed him. You know what he's like when he's cornered, he fights back like a wild animal sometimes but today it was like he was distracted like he wasn't even trying to fight back"
"Oh, you think something happened?"
"I do" he suddenly turned and gripped her firmly by the shoulders "I know what he said hurt you" she tried to protest but he stopped her "listen I'm not saying what he said was acceptable nor do I condone his use of that awful word. Look, I don't know why I'm defending him, I'm not even saying that you should forgive him far from it but I don't know perhaps it was a slip of the tongue. Look, I wouldn't just forgive him too easily but I wouldn't give up on him yet, at least give him a chance to explain before you condone him"
She thought about it before nodding "thank you Remus" she hugged him "you always were the wise one, I just hope you're right, I'd hate to lose him to those creeps."
Meanwhile ...
He did not know how long he lay there on the grass after everyone left him, it could have been minutes or hours he did not know, he did not care as his mind went through the events of the last few hours and he tried to decide how to proceed.
One thing was clear to him he no longer wanted to be a Death Eater, not now that he could see their true purpose, and certainly not if it meant serving the man who claimed to be his father and who had lied to him his whole life and expected total servitude from him. But how, how could he get out of this?
He would need help clearly and loath as he was to admit it there was only one person he knew who could help him, well assuming of course that he didn't immediately haul him off to Azkaban or St Mungo's he thought bitterly that would probably be about right given the way he had ignored and punished him over the past five years while letting his golden Gryffindor boys go virtually unpunished when they turned on a contrite face whilst claiming innocence.
Still, it was hardly as though he had many options he thought as he wearily pushed himself up so he would just have to suck it up, swallow his pride and hope for the best.
There was one thing he had to do first, though he decided to turn determinedly towards Gryffindor Tower. He had faced an internal struggle between his head which told him to let her go for her own safety and his heart which told him that he couldn't just leave it after hurting his best friend without at least trying to make amends. Normally in these instances, his head won by virtue of the fact that he could trust the cold logic of his mind over the unstable and often traitorous emotions of his heart but this time he decided that he had to follow his heart.
He spent some time arguing with one of Lily's friends and threatened to sleep outside the tower before she finally relented and agreed sullenly to fetch Lily for him. He breathed a sigh of relief, much as he did not want to put her at risk by having her hanging around him. He felt so bad about what he had said earlier that he felt he at least owed her some sort of apology.
He was roused from his thoughts by the portrait hole opening and a very angry-looking Lily stepping through and looking around until her eyes fixed on him. There was sadness there for just a moment before they turned to anger, which she quickly hid with a mask of cold indifference "oh it's you, what do you want?"
"I … I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what I said earlier, I didn't mean it, it just slipped out" he pleaded realising as he said it how pathetic it sounded even to his own ears.
"Oh, so does that mean you're not going to become a Death Eater then?" She asked, looking unimpressed.
His head snapped up and he stood there with his mouth open, not sure how to explain "I don't want to, it's just …" he trailed off unsure how he could explain.
"Just what Severus?" she said impatiently.
"I don't want to but I don't exactly have a choice" he tried to explain, how could he possibly tell her without revealing everything, she'd surely hate him if she knew the truth about him.
"What do you mean you don't have a choice? You always have a choice, what is it then are your housemates putting pressure on you to join them? Is it those creeps Mulciber and Avery? You know what I've told you, you should tell those creeps to shove off they're not a good influence on you Sev" she said angrily before turning away from him with her arms crossed.
It was an argument they'd had many times over and he knew now that she was right but it was also not that easy particularly when he had very few friends in Slytherin, Mulciber and Avery weren't exactly stimulating company but they at least tolerated him enough to let him hang out with them and that was worth something even if they were only putting up with him for his skills in potions class and impressive knowledge of the dark arts or at least that was what he'd suspected besides there was safety in numbers and few people messed with them.
"It's not them, it's just it's complicated, I can't explain" he paced back and forth just about resisting tearing his hair out "he's threatened me, I don't have a choice in this, look I don't think we can be friends anymore"
"What, this is how you try to make things up to me? Why can't we be friends all of a sudden? And don't you dare say it's because you're a Slytherin and I'm a Gryffindor, that's not ever stopped us before now, is it because I'm a muggle? Am I not good enough for you all of a sudden?" She said sounding put out.
"No!" he protested "I don't think that, I've never thought that, that word today was a mistake a huge, stupid mistake. It's just" he struggled for a minute to give voice to his thoughts "I don't want you to get hurt" he turned pleading with her desperately, "I'm sorry I don't want to do this but I don't have a choice."
"I don't have time for this, it's late and I'm tired and you're not making any sense" she said exasperatedly before turning away, she paused just before the portrait and turned to look at him angrily "you really hurt me earlier you know? I have known you since we were nine, I defended you every time people bullied you and said you were going dark, even though I was secretly worried about you because I thought you had a good heart. I insisted they were wrong and then you go and pull a stunt like that, you've no idea how much that hurts that you of all people would call me that. You need to decide what's most important to you Severus" she said clearly close to tears.
"I know, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry that's all" she shook her head despairingly as she disappeared into the portrait hole "I'm going to miss you Lily" he whispered to where she'd been standing a moment ago feeling like giving her up was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do but he'd do anything to keep her safe.
Author's Notes:
So not one of my favourite chapters, I'm not entirely happy with the conversations, particularly between Remus and Lily, but conversations have never been my strong point and it does the job (I hope) and sets things up for what's to come, certainly, it gives Lily something to think about as well. I think of all of them Remus might be the one who is a bit more sensitive and observant and might pick up the clues that something's not right (he's not the one who was observing Severus in the previous chapter).
Reviews:
Baixiaochung2910:
Thank you, hope you continue to enjoy
