The ghosts did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Ghosts characters. Just more madness from my tiny brain.

The Ghost Of Conversation

"Isaac we've been over this," Sasappis rolled his eyes. "You're being ridiculous!"

"I am not being ridiculous!" Isaac snapped. "Will someone back me up here?"

Alberta, Hetty and Thorfinn were also in the kitchen with Isaac. "Sorry Isaac you're on your own here," Alberta sighed.

"What's going on?" Sam asked as she walked in the kitchen.

"Okay let's let Samantha be the judge of this!" Isaac told the others.

"She's just going to nod and pretend to agree while thinking you're crazy," Alberta remarked. "The same face she puts on whenever Jay is talking about his action figure collection."

"This is a little more important than those plastic dolls," Isaac told her.

"No, it isn't," Sasappis sighed.

"And that's saying something," Hetty sighed.

"Samantha there is a threat to all of us," Isaac told her. "Both living and ghosts alike."

"That's a little melodramatic," Thorfinn groaned.

Isaac ignored him. "I'm talking about the menace known as squirrels!"

"Squirrels?" Sam kept her poker face on. "Squirrels are a menace?"

"Told you she's keeping her poker face on," Alberta remarked.

"I am telling you squirrels can see us!" Isaac snapped. "I've heard them mocking me!"

"Not again," Sasappis groaned. "Isaac, we've told you. Only deer can see us! Not squirrels!"

"Don't be so sure about that!" Isaac told him.

"Hang on," Sam spoke up. "Deer can see ghosts?"

"Yes," Hetty bristled. "Loathsome creatures!"

"You hate deer?" Sam did a double take. "Why?"

"Besides the fact that they attack ghosts every chance they get?" Sasappis remarked. "And it's just as painful as when livings walk through ghosts!"

Sam did a double take. "Deer attack ghosts?"

"Yes," Thorfinn nodded. "Deer want revenge for being hunted."

"They used to hunt us when this was all forest!" Sasappis shuddered. "It was not pleasant."

"Horrid creatures," Hetty winced. "Fortunately, the last deer attack was decades ago!"

"The one good thing about your husband was that he and his male relatives murdered all the deer they could find around here," Isaac grumbled. "That's why there's so few of them around Woodstone."

"Serves the bastards right," Sasappis nodded.

"Last deer seen around here was when your Uncle David hit one with his car," Alberta told Sam.

"My several times great grandson was a louse," Hetty sighed. "But he did have some redeeming features. Well one redeeming feature. Perhaps redeeming is too strong a word…"

"THE HOT UPS DRIVER IS BACK!" Trevor was heard screaming. "THE HOT UPS DRIVER IS BACK!"

"The one with the big…?" Sasappis blinked. "Excuse me." He left the room in a hurry.

"Wait for Thor!" Thorfinn ran after him.

"Oh, for the love of…" Hetty rolled her eyes.

"There they go," Alberta scoffed.

"They're like dogs barking for the mail man," Isaac groaned.

"Oh God," Sam groaned as she got up. "Jay did we order anything online?"

"You bought some shoes, remember?" Jay called from the other room.

"Oh right," Sam sighed as she went towards the door.

"Here we go," Alberta sighed as the rest of the ghosts followed.

The majority of the bachelor ghosts were standing at the door. "She's coming! She's coming!" Trevor jumped up and down excitedly.

"Calm down Trevor," Hetty groaned. "If you had drool, it would be all over the floor by now."

"I can't believe you are all acting like this over a UPS driver," Sam grumbled.

"In case you haven't noticed Sam," Sasappis looked at her. "We have very little going on around here."

Alberta shrugged. "We're here to watch the men make idiots of themselves."

"The pretty UPS lady is here!" Flower twirled around. "The pretty UPS lady is here!"

Alberta added. "And Flower."

"This is so exciting!" Pete grinned.

"You too Pete?" Sam looked at him.

"My wife cheated on me with my best friend!" Pete snapped. "I deserve this!"

"You tell 'em Pete!" Trevor whooped. He stuck his head through the door and back. "She's not wearing a bra! She's not wearing a bra!"

"Okay you guys need to stop acting like horny teenagers and grow up!" Sam snapped at them. "Behave and not a word!"

Sam opened the door and saw a very voluptuous young woman in a UPS uniform. Her uniform was rather tight on top and even Sam had to struggle to not stare.

"Package for Samantha Arondekar," The UPS Woman said.

Sam was well aware of the ghosts silently grinning like idiots as they stood behind her. "Well thank you very much…" Sam tried to be polite as possible. "Have a good day!" She closed the door behind her and glared at the ghosts.

"We didn't say a word," Trevor smiled.

"Can you order something else online?" Sasappis asked.

"What is wrong with you people?" Sam shouted as she put the package down on a nearby chair.

Isaac quipped. "Do you want the whole list or just the top ten reasons?"

"Oh, if I was alive again," Trevor sighed dreamily. "I would so hit that…"

"Trevor!" Sam snapped.

"What?" Trevor asked innocently. "She has an interesting job! I'm sure she's a great conversationalist!"

"Would you like to be objectified like that?" Sam scolded Trevor.

"YES!" Trevor said proudly. "I'd love to be objectified! As long as I get attention!"

"You forgot who you were talking to didn't you?" Sasappis smirked.

"Okay this question is for everyone except Trevor!" Sam gave Trevor a look before continuing. "How would you feel if your mothers or sisters were objectified like that? Or Hetty? Flower and Alberta?"

"Honestly I don't have a problem with it," Alberta struck a pose. "I know I'm damn sexy."

"It's a curse we all bear," Hetty shrugged. "Men wooed me constantly. All over the state I was known for my comely ankles and most pleasing nape. And lack of a mustache."

"I look at the guys so…" Flower admitted.

"Let me try put this another way," Sam groaned. "Do you think it's right to stare at a woman even thought she obviously deliberately flaunts her…assets for all to see?"

"Excuse me Sam," Sasappis folded his arms. "Are you body shaming a woman who chooses to go without a bra?"

"Not very enlightened," Trevor shook his head.

"Her body, her choice," Flower spoke up.

"What she said," Trevor pointed.

"Thor agrees," Thor said at the same time.

"Can't argue with that," Pete added.

"I miss the squirrel conversation," Sam groaned.

"Are we back on the squirrel thing?" Alberta groaned.

"Not this again," Thorfinn groaned.

"Yes again and again until you people see sense!" Isaac snapped.

Pete said. "Isaac squirrels can't see us! Just deer!"

"Yeah, they can," Trevor told him. "I've heard those little bastards laughing at us when they think we're not looking!"

"See?" Isaac pointed. "He knows!"

"Crash tells me every time his head falls off in the woods," Trevor added. "The squirrels taunt him and I believe it!"

"Where is Crash?" Sasappis realized. "I haven't seen him in months. Well, the top half of him."

"We really should look for his head," Pete remembered. "When was the last time anyone saw it?"

"The living room I think," Hetty remarked. "But I haven't seen it there."

"Well, he has to be somewhere," Pete said.

"Crash can be two places at once, remember?" Alberta said.

"Hey, I found his head the last two times," Trevor spoke up. "Somebody else take a turn."

"The second time doesn't count because you picked it up right after Crash dropped it," Hetty said.

"Well, none of you picked it up!" Trevor snapped. "So yeah, it does count!"

"I think I saw Crash's body on the south part of the property," Flower suggested.

"Is that the part with the daisies?" Pete asked.

"The south part of the property doesn't have daisies," Hetty said. "You mean crocuses."

"They're called feverfews," Sasappis told them. "And they are daisies Hetty. You're thinking on the eastern part of the property. Feverfews are in the south part."

"You know what I really miss seeing?" Isaac spoke up. "Those pretty purple and pink flowers that used to grow where the driveway is now."

"Well, they're extinct," Sasappis told him. "So, you're not going to see them again."

"Aww," Isaac sighed.

"To be fair they died out before Woodstone Mansion was built," Sasappis shrugged. "Some kind of gopher or something was eating them. I'm not sure. I admit I wasn't paying attention that decade. I was really into birds and fish then."

"I love watching birds and fish," Pete said cheerfully. "All kinds of nature actually. We should have nature hikes! And bird viewing parties!"

"Oh god no," Trevor groaned.

"I'm with Trevor," Isaac groaned. "I've seen enough feathered fowl to last an afterlife! Especially those decades before Woodstone Mansion was built."

Thorfinn snickered. "Remember that duck that always used to chase Isaac?"

"Oh yeah," Sasappis snickered. "That was funny."

"No, it wasn't," Isaac groaned.

"Duck?" Pete asked.

"There was this one mallard for some reason could see ghosts," Sasappis explained. "And it always went straight towards Isaac."

"Maybe it didn't see Isaac as much as smelled him?" Thorfinn suggested. "Maybe he liked how Isaac smelled for some reason?"

"Whatever the reason every spring until fall for almost ten years it would follow Isaac around and try to peck at his feet," Sasappis snickered.

"It wasn't funny!" Isaac snapped. "It was very annoying! And sometimes painful!"

"Remember what we used to call duck?" Thorfinn said to Sasappis.

"Quacky Hamilton!" Thorfinn and Sasappis said at the same time and laughed.

"I hated that stupid bird," Isaac grumbled. "One of the best days of my afterlife was when a fox finally got that dumb duck!"

"Fox didn't kill Quacky," Thorfinn told him. "Duck died of natural causes. Fox just ate his corpse."

"Can you at least give me that?" Isaac snapped. "Come on!"

"I'm passing on the nature hike too Pete," Alberta said. "The only fox I want to see is Jamie Foxx! Whoo!"

"I'd like any fox in a bikini and carrying a briefcase," Trevor grinned. "What? I find businesswomen sexy!"

"You find anything female with a pulse sexy," Hetty rolled her eyes.

"Oh, that reminds me," Sasappis realized. "Trevor, I saw a movie with that actress Tara Reid in it! You're right! She's hot!"

"Thank you!" Trevor threw up his hands.

"I'll thank you to keep your hands down," Isaac groaned. Trevor did so. "One rule you have to follow Trevor! One rule!"

"Two," Hetty remarked. "That and what not to do on the front lawn."

"That reminds me," Flower spoke up. "Did anybody else notice all those mushrooms on the front lawn?"

"Yeah, you gotta do something about that Sam," Sasappis spoke up. "Those things can get out of control. And they're poisonous so…"

"We used to have a wonderful gardener for that," Hetty sighed. "Then he died from drinking too much wood grain alcohol."

"Hamish," Thorfinn spoke up. "His name was Hamish. He was ghost for brief time remember?"

"He was a fun guy," Sasappis said. "He really hated you Hetty."

"You don't want to know the things he did in the dining room," Isaac sighed.

"I do," Trevor blinked.

"Speaking of which," Alberta asked. "When's the next dinner party?"

"Just don't invite the Farnsbys," Hetty added. "Especially Mrs. Farnsby. That woman is a drunkard."

"And not the fun kind," Trevor nodded.

"Her husband is even worse," Isaac remarked. "Pete's lecture on knots was more interesting."

"Hang on…" Pete looked at Isaac. "You said you were interested. You said you wanted to learn about them."

"No," Isaac corrected. "What I said was: Oh Good. Knots. Tell me all about them."

"Tone of voice very important," Thorfinn added. "Wait. What were we talking about?"

"I can't remember," Isaac remarked. "Samantha what were we discussing?"

"Never mind," Sam sighed.

"LANDSHIP!" Thorfinn heard something. "LANDSHIP!"

"Babe," Jay shouted from the other room. "I forgot to tell you, the plumber is coming to install a new faucet in the guest bathroom. And clean out the old pipes."

"Which one?" Hetty asked. "The Irishman? Or the handsome Italian?"

Pete stuck his head through the door. "The van says DiMartino Plumbing."

"Ooh! The hot plumber is back!" Alberta jumped up and down. "The hot plumber is back!"

"The one with the broad shoulders and the uh…?" Isaac coughed.

"YAYY!" Flower clapped her hands.

"Oh boy…" Sam sighed as she got the door.

It revealed a very handsome muscular man with dark hair wearing a very well-fitting blue T-shirt and tight jeans. "Hi! I'm Andy DiMartino," The Plumber said. "You needed some pipes cleaned?"

"He can clean my pipes any day of the week," Alberta grinned.

"Yes and the uh faucet," Sam coughed. "Upstairs and to the right."

"Okay," The plumber went inside. The ghosts moved out of his way.

"I know what I'm going to do today!" Alberta grinned as she followed the plumber.

"Me too!" Flower twittered as she followed Alberta.

"Well, I suppose I must go and supervise," Isaac coughed. "WAIT FOR ME!" He ran after the two women.

"It couldn't hurt to have an extra pair of eyes," Hetty smirked as she followed the others.

Leaving Sam alone with the guys.

"Notice Sam isn't saying anything about that?" Sasappis said to the guys.

"So they can leer at a guy all they want but we can't just look at another woman?" Pete asked.

"That's sexist, Sam," Trevor smirked.

"How did this become my life?" Sam shook her head.