I own nothing—its all Stephanie's.
—
The girl I used to be is still inside, somewhere, but she'd grown and matured. Evolved into something better- like a caterpillar to a butterfly, I metamorphosed into what I hoped shined with peace and inner-beauty.
For so long, I was ugly- black as the pitch of a moonless night in my heart. I sought only self-gratification, leaving carnage in the wake of my own pleasure and desires.
I finally saw the beast laying coiled in my soul, ready to strike out and harm any and all that dared to draw close to me. Somehow, after months- possibly years- of battling with the demon, I managed to extricate it. Fire and flames licked at the remnants until I was sure it was burned away- unwilling to have it claim me again.
I lost so many things. Things I had intended to keep.
Things like you.
I didn't have you anymore. But I had my memories...
Our life together began in a flurry of kisses and touches. Heat and want. Desire dripping from each meeting of our lips as our limbs tangled together. Pushing and pulling, fabric ripping, tousled hair and panting breath, begging for more. You took me in the backseat of your TransAm, with whiskey-flavoring every brush of your tongue against mine. Heady and tantalizing, your kisses sent me spiraling out of control, crashing into the blinding waves of ecstasy we both sought.
Meeting you in such an unconventional way... it would have sent our parents in a tailspin of the worst kind, setting them ablaze as they re-entered the atmosphere- if they knew the truth.
How many relationships begin as a one-night stand?
And even though I pushed you away, your inability to let me go somehow won me over.
We were young- so young...
But so in love.
Once I finally admitted to myself that I loved you, I couldn't wait to make a commitment.
And you were as impatient as I was.
A whirlwind romance that spun faster when we found out that Bella was going to make an appearance. The newness of family- our family- baby, and living together filled me with indescribable wonder.
I don't know when, but things changed. The joy of responsibility flipped like a switch so that it was burdensome, boxing me in, trapping me until the oxygen was squeezed from my lungs and I felt like I was going to suffocate.
Someone pulled the pin from the grenade I clutched in my hand, leaving me a ticking time bomb. I was going to explode and I didn't want to blast you with the shrapnel. You were wonderful- didn't deserve to be a casualty of my maelstrom.
The pieces of our broken life together struck hard, like cutting shards of glass leaving our hearts bleeding inside. They struck you harder than me, and I let them, doing nothing to shield you from the inevitable pain.
Knowing you loved me also meant knowing you would fight for me, and I couldn't let you do that.
Resentment for such a short-lived youth burned around the edges of my mind, telling me to get out. To run and do what I wanted to. To try all new things.
Things I'd never experienced... but wanted to.
So I left, and I took Bella with me.
I wasted years with you, Charlie, when I should have found the strength buried within and been the wife I vowed to be.
Realizing I let go of the things that mattered most, let them scatter like leaves on the wind, you were carried away by my own mercurial storm. I never thought of the consequences, and that was my own stupidity at play.
Thinking it was too late to change my mind- that you would hate me if I returned- I married the wrong man and Bella moved back with you.
Phil was good to me, and I tried to be better for him than I was for you. But he was never what I wanted. He wasn't home. That place was held by one man- the man I'd foolishly run from. Every touch from his hand, every kiss of his lips sent me into a panic- breath quickening and heart sputtering because it wasn't the touch or kiss I wanted or needed.
I was an awful mother.
Letting my daughter mother me, instead of being what she needed me to be.
And then you married Sue...
I was glad that you were happy, Charlie.
I tried to convince myself of that because you deserved happiness.
But then Phil died in the plane crash, with most of his team and even though I didn't love him the way I should have, I did miss him.
Two years later, Bella told me that Sue was dying of breast cancer, and damn my hateful self, but a part of me wondered what if…because I still loved you.
Even though I didn't deserve you.
And I knew that.
I truly did.
Then, she actually passed away and I cried for you, and my stupid idiotic wishes. I wasn't a nice person and I couldn't fathom that you could ever trust me again...
But I moved back to Forks and I stayed, regardless of my brain screaming at me to stay away from you.
But you know me... when did I ever listen to my brain? To stop and think about what I was doing before running headlong down that path?
I never had before.
I thought with my heart.
Following it blindly down any path it led me and if it felt overwhelmed, my fight or flight mechanism kicked in...
Who am I kidding though? The only mechanism I had was flight.
But that changed.
I remember the day I realized that I could stay in one place forever, and even wanted to—for you.
I'd gotten an email from Bella, and the attachments were all beautiful photos of her family with Jacob… and you. You were so handsome, the way your eyes scrunched in the sunlight while you played airplane with the grandkids in the sand. I could hear the laughter echoing in their sweet smiles.
It made my heart sing with happiness at knowing you were all content.
But it also made me sad. I didn't want to watch all of these things from a computer screen after it was over.
No, I wanted so much more than that.
I wanted those kinds of memories with them, but I wanted them with you, too.
With that realization came the determination to stay around and fight for what my heart had been foolish enough to run from so many years before. My young age and stupidity was just an excuse. I played that fiddle until the strings were worn so thin they snapped and there wasn't a valid excuse anymore. Not that there ever had been.
Eventually you came around, and asked me what I was doing there.
I was speechless. I floundered for an excuse, because what could I say to answer that?
I didn't want you to hate me, so I lied. I told you I wanted to be closer to Bella and Jake.
And you believed me. I saw your eyes light up and the way you looked at me with respect. "Finally got tired of being away, Renee?" Your smile encompassed your face and scrunched your eyes up, making the lines there more prominent.
It was all I could do not to spill my guts then, but I pressed my lips together in what I hoped was some semblance of a smile and nodded.
My heart screamed, I love you!
But my lips remained in a tight smile.
You stared at me curiously, but then just nodded. "Okay, then. If you need anything, you know where I am."
"Thanks Charlie," I said, finally finding my voice. As you walked away, I grew bold. "Hey Charlie?"
You turned on your booted heel, flannel shirt fluttering, and smiled again. "Yeah?"
"How about dinner Thursday?" My heart hammered in my chest as I waited for your answer. My breath was so rapid I thought I might have a panic attack.
Finally you answered, "Um... I guess so. As long as Seth and Leah or Bella don't need me. I'm the only dad those kids have, ya know?"
My heart flip-flopped and I felt a slight bit of the panic loosen its hold. "Sure. How's seven?"
Turns out, the kids were fine on their own that night.
We drew lots of stares in the diner and I knew the Forks gossip mill would be working overtime to spread the word clear to Seattle. Chief Swan and his ex... who would have thought that would ever happen?
When you dropped me off at my house and walked me to the door... ever the gentleman... you couldn't contain your curiosity any longer. "What is all this really about Renee? I have a feeling it's not just about being closer to Bella."
Instincts that had made you a fantastic policeman were too good for me to pull anything over on you. I should have known better than to try to play coy and nonchalant. You always could see right through me. To where my true intentions were hidden. And I was afraid that you would see the hope of a future with you I secretly harbored. I hadn't told anyone about it. Barely even admitting it all to myself. I may have been older, but I was still pretty stupid. Even then.
"Charlie... I... I..." my heart threatened to burst from my chest and scream the answers to you.
How could I tell you what I'd hidden for so long, even from myself. And then in acts of rebellion against my heart... our vows... our child... and you, I ran and kept running. Never slowing down until your wife- the wife that loved you like I couldn't... like you deserved to be loved- died. How could I tell you those things?
"I don't know what to say. I... I don't know if I can..." I stammered for words, unwilling to let the truth spill from my lips. I wasn't strong enough to handle rejection. I wasn't strong at all. I never had been. You cocked your eyebrow in disbelief and I saw the anger and disappointment in your eyes. I wanted you to believe and see that I had changed but in that moment, I was being the same immature girl that ran away the first time. Finding courage somewhere deep inside, I pulled it out and let loose. "Damn it, Charlie, I came back for you." The words tumbled from my mouth in the worst way a confession could be made.
Your eyes widened and you stared at me. The confusion on your face hurt. You'd always been so sure of yourself. So decisive. And when you found your voice, it was what I expected, but not what I wanted you to say.
Did I really get to hope for more, though? It wasn't a realistic dream in the first place, but I had to try.
"I don't understand, Renee. You ran away from here with our daughter as fast as you could. And as far as it seemed to me, you never looked back." Your hand pushed through your hair, fisting it close to the scalp. "You gotta know how crazy this all sounds. I mean, hell, you married some other guy. Even though I was still in love with you. That was a pretty big door to slam shut." Your hand fell from your locks and fisted at your side. "You never once in all the years we've been apart indicated that you wanted to come back home to me. Not once. I don't know if I can believe you now."
"I understand." My whisper was soft, almost carried away unheard in the breeze. "But whether you believe it or not Charlie, it's the truth." My hands fidgeted at my sides for something to do. "I don't know what imbalance I had before, but I was selfish. A selfish bitch, really. I should have told you before." Blinking back tears, I tried to choke back the sob that threatened to burst forth. "I don't know what to say, except that I am so very sorry. I was a horrible person that didn't care about anyone else. I learned that lesson, but it was too long in coming, I'm sure. I just..." My voice trailed away and I looked at the ground.
Sucking in a fortifying breath, I met your eyes, "I just needed you to know the truth. Even though I married Phil, I didn't love him. Not the way he deserved to be loved. I only loved myself. I didn't even love my own daughter the way I should have. I was too selfish to think of anyone else. And with you Charlie, I wanted to. I wanted to put you first and that scared me to death. I never gave a thought to your feelings." My hands fisted in my pockets and I tried to continue on. You needed to hear the whole of it. After all, it'd been too long coming. "The wedding and even the pregnancy up until Bella was born was all about me. You worshipped me. Then, I was too stupid to grow up and change. Too immature to be a mom and wife. So I made sure to keep everything about me and I ran away with Bella. You had to call me for visitations and men felt so bad for me being a single mother." I sank down onto the porch step and looked up at you.
"I'm a horrible person.
"And I can only hope that someday you'll forgive me. Because Charlie, this time it won't be just about me... It will be about you and Bella. Jake, too. And Leah and Justin, and Seth and Olivia. And all their kids. I'd like to be there for them all. I want to prove that I've changed.
"I need to prove that I've changed."
You didn't say a word. Just turned around and walked to the truck. You sat inside it for a minute, silent and contemplative. The roar of the engine when you turned the key startled me and I watched you drive away.
I was terrified I'd lost any chance.
But the fact that you'd listened, that was more than I'd thought possible. More than I deserved.
Weekly meetings with my therapist reassured me I'd done the right thing in being honest with you.
It was a long road. I'd been visiting Bella and Jake regularly, spending time with Avery, Sarah, and Ephraim- our grandchildren. I'd even had Leah and Seth with their spouses over for dinner with Jake and Bella a few times.
Leah had wasted no time confronting me with my crappy past behavior. "And don't think you'll ever take my mother's place." She'd adamantly declared with a fierce gleam in her eyes.
"I would never try to take her place, Leah. I know I never could. She was a special lady."
She'd left with tears in her eyes and a threat lingering in the air, "You better be good to Charlie. Because I swear to you Renee, if you hurt him again, I'll rip you apart. And it won't be fast or pleasant.
There was nothing I could say to that, so I just nodded in understanding. I'd expected something like that to come from one of them.
Bella, with her forgiving nature, agreed to change the Thanksgiving tradition, and let me host. I was shocked when she told me you'd be joining us. I worked all week long to prepare for it; pre-cooking rolls and desserts, freezing them to reheat. I'd wanted everything to be perfect.
I'd awakened early the morning of the holiday, and put the turkey in to cook, and started on stuffing and all the trimmings. The house smelled good, and everyone was ready to eat when we set the table.
Agreeing to carve the bird, you followed me into the kitchen so that I could arrange the meat on a platter. Putting the knife to it, you pushed down, but couldn't break the surface.
I had ruined Thanksgiving.
My eyes were wide and I blinked them fast, trying to keep the tears inside. My breath shuddered out and I finally met your eyes.
Your shoulders were shaking, and I could see the sparkle in your eyes.
You were laughing!
"Well, it's nice to see that some things stay the same... You still can't cook," you deadpanned.
The shock of your words stopped me in my tracks and I sat down hard on a barstool at the island in the kitchen. My mouth dropped open and I stared at you, dumbfounded that you would laugh about me ruining the holiday for everyone.
"You better close your mouth, Renee. A bug just might fly in there." Your laughter finally poured forth, shaking your frame with the loud chuckles.
"But... but... I ruined dinner. I ruined Thanksgiving... and you're laughing?" Confusion clouded my mind. Shouldn't you have been angry with my inability to cook a simple turkey?
The kitchen door opened and six pairs of eyes blinked at us. Leah was the first to speak, "What's going on in here?"
"Renee... she can't really cook. I can't cut the turkey. The funniest part is, it's not even burned on the outside. It's just rock-solid."
Jake, Seth and Justin joined you with loud peals of laughter while Olivia came over and patted my shoulder. Bella and Leah exchanged glances, not sure what to make of the situation.
I apologized all day long for ruining the turkey, but everyone waved it off. You'd found a roll of hamburger in the fridge and decided to grill burgers.
It was definitely a memorable holiday experience... The grandkids still talk about it.
Christmas was a holiday that I didn't even ask about. Bella and the kids were excited about spending Christmas Eve with you. I had planned on visiting them all the day after Christmas and surprising them with their gifts.
But you surprised me.
The knock on my door the afternoon of Christmas Eve caught me off guard. I'd been scrubbing the kitchen counter and answered the door with my yellow, rubber cleaning gloves still encompassing my hands. When the door swung open, the greeting on my tongue died away.
"Renee..."
The sound of my name on your lips sent my heart into overdrive. It pounded away, sending blood rushing through my body, and I couldn't find a reply.
You stood on the porch awkwardly, your hands shoved deep in your pockets.
I shook my head a little, trying to clear away the fog. "Charlie?"
"Listen, I know it's last minute, but it didn't seem right, you not seeing the kids on Christmas. So, I thought maybe you could come to my house and celebrate with us tonight."
It was more words than I'd heard from you in a while. And it was so pleasant to see you standing on my doorstep as unsure of yourself as I'd been of myself since coming back. Your mustache was quirked in a smirk as you waited for my answer.
"I... I'd love to." I turned to go inside, but turned back quickly, needing to reassure myself this was what you'd wanted. "If you're sure... I don't... don't wanna intrude on your time, Charlie."
"Just get your coat, Renee. You know me well enough to know that I don't do anything I don't want to. In all the years apart, that's never changed."
Nodding, I went to retrieve the box of gifts I'd carefully wrapped the night before. Placing it on the ground, I pulled my coat from the hook by the door and pulled it on, zipping it closed. You'd picked up the box and carried it to your truck before I could utter a protest.
That was the beginning of what I'd hoped would be a second chance for us. Sundays became family day, alternating between lunch at my house or yours. The kids were suspicious and watched us like hawks. I could see the belligerence in Leah's eyes and the hope in Bella's. Seth and Jake were just curious.
Whatever happened, I was here to stay.
We danced around our issues. Neither one of us were ready to put words to our emotions. We skirted them and walked on eggshells, afraid to move too suddenly for fear of spooking each other.
It was wearisome, constantly being on guard.
And then, it happened.
The kids' stood us up for a Sunday dinner and you broke first.
"Are we ever going to talk about the rest of this," your hands flailed between us, but I knew what you meant, "this mess?"
"Charlie..." My whisper was soft, and seemed to calm you a little. "I don't know what else you want me to say. I told you I was a selfish bitch more concerned with myself than anyone else before. I... I'm at a loss here. I told you why I was here... You're going to have to tell me what you want to know. Unfortunately, I'm not a mindreader." My arms folded across my chest defensively.
I knew we were going to have to have this conversation, but I wasn't sure how quickly it would come, or if you would ever decide you needed to talk about it.
"Yeah, you told me all of that. But you never apologized for it Renee, or told me where exactly you want this to go." Your brow drew low over your eyes and I could see the anger there.
I understood anger.
I'd been angry for a long time. Angry with myself and the choices I'd made. I was furious at fate for a long time, blaming all my life's troubles on her. And I was mad at time, for passing so swiftly, leaving me old before I was ready.
I hated being angry.
"I'm sorry, Charlie. Somewhere along the road, I thought that I had, but I see that you're right. I'm sorry.
"I'm sorry I was the worst wife ever. I'm sorrier still for being a worthless mother. I'm sorry that I didn't come back home, even though I knew I needed to, hell, I even wanted to. I apologize for lying to myself and to you and Bella for years and years." Uncrossing my arms, I jammed a hand into my hair and pulled a little, the pain reminding me that I was finally doing something right.
Maybe.
"I'm sorry for being a selfish hag more concerned with myself and my happiness than the well-being of our family." My hands covered my face and I slid down the wall to the floor, my voice choked by sobs. "I'm so sorry."
I felt your heat beside me when you sat on the floor, too. It was comforting, but it wasn't what I wanted in that moment.
I wanted you to scream at me.
I needed you to blast me with your bottled up spite and hate.
It was exactly what I'd earned in our relationship.
But your arm went around my shoulders and pulled my head over to give my tears a final resting place in plaid flannel.
"Renee..."
Smooth skin changed with the sound of your voice as chill bumps appeared. With a finger under my chin, you pulled my head up to meet my eyes with yours. "Thank you. That's what I've been waiting for."
Tears drying in salty tracks on my face, I stared at you, bewildered. "What?"
I didn't expect forgiveness to come so soon or so easily from you. I'd been working to prove myself, to earn your trust back, even though it seemed an impossible task.
As I studied your eyes, I saw a light I hadn't seen there in too long rekindle itself as you looked back at me. I'd expected such a different reaction.
I'd expected your words to wash away the rest of my heart, like the tide erases drawings in the sand.
Never had I once imagined that you would instead heal my brokenness.
I shouldn't have doubted your kindness... it was one of the traits you'd passed on to Bella. I shouldn't have assumed you'd be anything but benevolent.
But I did assume too much from your acceptance of my apology.
As our eyes held, I leaned forward, my breath hitching, and placed my lips on yours. Pulling back quickly, you startled. "Renee, I can't... I'm not... I'm not ready for that. I think we can continue to be friends, maybe better friends, but I don't think that I... I... I'm sorry." You pulled even farther back and stood up, reaching a hand down to help me up.
Once I had my balance, you dropped my hand like you'd been burned.
"Charlie, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"
You shook your head, and cut off my words, "Don't apologize. You did know what you were doing... And you shouldn't apologize for that. I just... I'm not ready for any of that. I don't know if I ever will be." Shrugging your shoulders, you turned away and walked outside.
Not one to leave things like that anymore, I followed you. "Charlie? I understand. You miss Sue. You did love her, and that's okay. I understand. Just... if you ever decide you want to try again... just know that I'm here, and I would like that very much." My fingers twirled in my hair nervously.
Looking at your boots, a tentative smile creased your cheeks. When you looked back up at me, relief was written on your features. "Thanks for understanding, Renee." Spinning on your heel, I watched you leave.
It used to be that I was the one always leaving.
Then, it was you.
Having no right to make demands of you, no right at all, I bided my time, waiting and hoping that you would decide that you needed more, wanted more out of our relationship than friendship. I wasn't going to rock the boat anymore than I had.
You invited me fishing because Billy couldn't make it, so I went, happy to spend time with you. Seth caught the flu from his kids and couldn't go hunting, so I sat in a hunting blind and watched you.
It was a beginning... but it wasn't enough.
Time was slipping by, so quickly, weeks turned to months turned to two more years, and I was desperate.
Desperate for any sign that you were ready for more.
I let the tension build until I thought I was going to explode from it.
Leah's husband, Justin, was catholic. When their son, Harrison, was born, you needed a new suit for his christening. It was me you asked to help you find one.
The evening after our shopping trip found us at a little bar in Port Angeles. We laughed and joked and had a great time. We also learned that your fifty-four year old body couldn't hold your liquor like a twenty-four year old.
Your slurred confessions on the way home split my heart wide open.
"Ya know, Nee-nee, I alwaysh did love ya." I stared, speechless until your next words. "Ya know, I really needed a woman around when Bells lived with me. It was sho awkward talkin' to 'er about sex."
I had to laugh a little at that one, surely he knew that by the time Bella went to stay with him, she and I had long since had the sex-talk. Then again, as her father, he had every right to talk with her about things like that.
A heavy sigh slipped between your lips, "I miss Sue. She woulda told me whether or not I should love you again. Thing is I'm not sure I ever stopped, I just pushed it to the back so I could love Sue the best I knew how."
Breathing became nonexistent for me in that moment. Pondering your words, I knew that I could never confront you with any of this information and the chance of you remembering it was slim to none.
Once I'd helped you into your house, you thrust a shot glass of jack into my hands. With all the confessions you'd made, a fortifying drink was almost a necessity if I was going to make it the rest of the night.
But it didn't stop with one shot...
And then it didn't stop with just one kiss.
The memory of what exactly did happen is still lost in an alcohol-hazy daze from that night. I still get glimpses, but that's all.
The next morning was awkward. When my eyes finally cracked open, and the light hit them, I wanted to die. I hadn't had a hangover in years- hadn't been crazy enough to get that drunk in years.
A glass of water and a bottle of aspirin filled my vision when I chanced opening my eyes again. Meeting your eyes, I sat up slowly, flushing red when the sheet fell away. Quickly righting my covering, I thanked you for the offering. After I'd taken the recommended dosage, you left, going back down the stairs.
Neither one of us could look at the other for the rest of the morning. When I left, I bid you a quiet goodbye.
My engine had just turned over when there was a knock on my window. Glancing up, I caught your gaze and watched as your mustache twitched. "About last night..." you began.
I couldn't stand the thought of hearing you apologize for something I'd wanted for years. Instead of letting you finish your thought, I covered your lips with mine.
This time, you kissed me back.
I had to wonder if it meant as much to you as it did to me. I was pathetic- begging for any scrap you threw me. But I was afraid to try something different, for fear of missing even the tiniest crumb.
You invited me over for movies and dinner a few times and I watched, waiting for you to give any indication of being ready to take our relationship further.
Any sign you gave me was lost in translation; you seemed content with the way things were.
Just a few nights of what the kids called "extra benefits" seemed to satisfy you.
But it left me craving more.
During one of our movie nights, I took a chance and sat as close to you on the couch as I could. You had opted not to sit in the recliner, so I took my chance.
Reaching across your lap, I laced my fingers through yours. Tilting my head, I looked up through lowered lashes, and caught the quirk of your lips as you sighed. I hoped in satisfaction, but I wasn't completely sure.
When you didn't pull away this time, I slouched into your side, and let the frail bud of hope bloom inside my soul.
Your arm came around my shoulders as you held me closer to your side. I fidgeted with your fingers, drawing circles across your skin with my thumb and relishing the feel of your warmth.
When you whispered into the quiet room, "Renee?" My body tensed, ready for another rejection that I wasn't sure I could recover from this time.
But I lifted my eyes to yours, sure the fear of letting go of you this time was written in the depths of my eyes. My tongue darted out to wet my lips, and I pulled myself up straight, waiting for you to continue.
Your voice was steady in the dim light of the living room, "Renee, I have to say—"
But I cut you off. I was so afraid of what you were going to say. "Charlie, I'm sorry. I know I'm not Sue. I know I'm still erratic and have crazy ideas, but I'm still here. I really am trying. Please tell me that you at least see that?" I fought to blink back tears, feeling one cascade down my cheek anyway.
You leaned forward, and I closed my eyes, afraid of what I might find written in yours. But I never expected to feel your lips kissing away that tear. My breath caught in my throat and my eyes flew open. I dared not move a muscle, not wanting to ruin this moment.
Your lips moved to shower gentle kisses across my cheeks, nose and forehead before lowering your head to capture my lips in a chaste kiss.
You pulled back and waited for me to meet your eyes.
It took a few breaths for me to gather my courage and do just that, but when I did, the darkening of your eyes and the flush on your cheeks drew me in. I wanted to launch myself at you, but I waited,needing to hear the words.
"I do see you trying. I was gonna say that you surprised me." You looked down and pulled my hands into your bigger, calloused ones. When your eyes met mine again, you continued, "I can't say that any of this'll be easy. What with learnin' to trust each other all over again… but you've shown me that it might be worth it to try again."
When you paused, I waited, my heart suspended in my chest beat frantically, afraid to hope and afraid not to hope. Daring to believe that this wasn't just a dream, but that you were really saying the words I'd longed to hear for so long.
"Listen, Renee, we both know this won't be easy, but I'm willing to try—"
I felt myself lunge towards you and I crashed my lips to yours, propelling us back on the couch. Moving my lips with yours, I opened when you sought entrance, savoring the taste of you as our tongues moved sensuously against each other.
When I couldn't hold out any longer, I pulled back gasping for breath, but you tangled your hand in my hair and pulled me back down, letting your free hand trail over my back and up my sides. I shivered at the warmth of your hand spreading through me. Even through clothes, your touch still set me on fire.
With a maneuver I thought we were too old for, you flipped us over on the couch so you were hovering over me. I couldn't contain a squeal of delight and you chuckled in response, your mustache tickling my cheek.
You nuzzled down into my neck and placed light kisses there. I ran my short nails through your hair and grazed your scalp the way you used to love when we were young. You groaned, and I canted my head trying to get a glimpse of your face.
Raising up on your elbows, you gazed into my eyes and caressed my cheek with the back of your hand.
"Is it possible that you are even more beautiful with age?" Your voice was rough as you tried to maintain the moment.
"I don't know about all that, but I know that I've never found you sexier than when your eyes scrunch when you smile and those little crows feet dance at the corners of your eyes. I've never found you more tempting than watching you smile and interact with all of the kids and grandkids. The love that you have inside for all of them…it inspires me. It makes me want to be a better person, Charlie. It makes me want to try harder than I ever have before."
"Sexy, huh?" Your mustache twitched in amusement and I leaned up to close the distance between us, wrapping my arms around your shoulders and pulling you back down to me. I kissed your lips, your cheeks, and down the column of your throat, pausing to nibble your earlobe.
"You feel like home to me, Charlie."
You pulled back again and looked in my eyes, then whispered into the stillness, "I know what you mean."
When you pulled back and sat up, I was afraid you were thinking about the past, but you surprised me again when you stood and pulled me to my feet. Your eyes darkened as you pulled me to you, our bodies flush against each other and kissed me deeply yet again.
You led me quietly upstairs to the room we shared all those years ago. We spent the night wrapped in each other's arms and bodies, seeking warmth, comfort and love.
When your breathing evened out and I thought you were sleeping, I couldn't help but to trace a finger across your bottom lip and whisper quietly, "I love you Charlie."
Your eyes blinked up at me sleepily, but a smile graced your face as you whispered into the night, "Love you, too, Renee."
Finally at peace, I nestled into your side, my head on your shoulder and slept, dreaming of a future with you.
While I could wish I'd made different choices in the past, I was content at that moment to rest in your arms and trust you with my tomorrows. Finally, I realized that was the time for us.
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This was just something I had in my head after listening to the sad channel on my pandora stations, lol. inspiration comes in many forms. I hope you enjoyed my one shot!
